I’m starting to feel a bit better now about my longing for my sister… My sister has always wanted the best for me. I know that she wants me to live my best life; to be healthy, happy and well-loved.
Can you Comethru ~ Jeremy Zucker
Before taking off, the flight attendant will show you where the oxygen masks are and tell you that if needed, then you have to first put the oxygen mask on yourself, before helping others, including your own family. If you can not even help yourself, if you do not have the strength and health to be productive, then how can you possibly help others?
I’ve realized that the best and only way for me to help my sister is for me to get better myself first ~ to be healthy, happy and have financial stability. Only then will I have the resources required in order to support her.
Just like the lyrics in this song which says that, “I’m trying to realize. It’s alright to not be fine on your own…”, It’s alright that I’m not feeling 100% fine. None of us ever are. We all have to learn the lessons in life, and most importantly, how to manage our emotions as our life circumstances change. Learn how to go with the flow….
I will come through! It will take time and patience, but in the end, I will come through! 😃
Comethru
~ Jeremy Zucker
I might lose my mind Waking when the sun’s down Riding all these highs Waiting for the comedown Walk these streets with me I’m doing decently Just glad that I can breathe, yeah
I’m trying to realize It’s alright to not be fine on your own
Now I’m shaking, drinking all this coffee These last few weeks have been exhausting I’m lost in my imagination And there’s one thing that I need from you Can you come through, through? Through, yeah And there’s one thing that I need from you Can you come through?
Ain’t got much to do Too old for my hometown Went to bed at noon Couldn’t put my phone down Scrolling patiently It’s all the same to me Just faces on a screen, yeah
I’m trying to realize It’s alright to not be fine on your own
Now I’m shaking, drinking all this coffee These last few weeks have been exhausting I’m lost in my imagination And there’s one thing that I need from you Can you come through, through? Through, yeah And there’s one thing that I need from you
Can you come Through, through Through, yeah And there’s one thing that I need from you Can you come through?
I heard this song playing at my chiropractor’s office this afternoon. On “Memories” by “Maroon 5”, Adam Levine is addressing a close friend whom he has been separated from for some time that he misses very much. He has been devoid of the company of this loved one for so long and is now forced to rely on ‘memories’ of the two of them being together.
Memories ~ Maroon 5
It has brought back so many memories of my past ~ of my loved ones, my pets, and most of all… my sister. I miss my sister so much, it tears my heart into pieces. I’m so scared to think of my sister, because I’ve had such wonderful memories with her and we have such a close bond, but that bond is no longer there anymore. It’s not because we no longer love each other, but because my sister’s mind is not what it used to be. It’s been like this for so long now…
Sometimes, my brain tells me that I no longer feel that deep connection with her, but my heart tells me otherwise. My heart tells me that our love for each other is so deep that nothing will ever tear us apart. She is my soulmate, my best friend. She loves me unconditionally and accepts me exactly as I am. She sees the beauty within me that I don’t even see myself.
When I came back to Taiwan from the UK, after deciding to stop being a dentist, I had a severe allergic reaction to a facial cream and my entire face had breakouts all over, which lasted for months. I felt so embarrassed that I didn’t want to get out of the house during the day. I only went out at night, hoping that people won’t notice me in the dark. My parents jokingly said that I’ve now become an owl. My sister told me that when she looks at me, she does not see the hundreds of breakouts on my face, she only sees that sweet, loving, dear me. I was so touched, I will never forget what she said to me that day.
She does not belong in this world, she is too good for this world. She is so loving, kind, generous, sweet, compassionate and trusting. And yet, she now has to stay in a psychiatric institution for life. My heart breaks when I think about that, so I dare not think. I dare not miss her. I dare not remember all our times together, and all the sweet memories we’ve shared since childhood.
I’m so scared to think of my sister. I’m so scared to miss her. We’ve shared such wonderful memories together, just thinking of them makes me long to be with her again. And yet, most of the time, she lives in this fantasy world where she talks to her fairies and thinks that she runs the psychiatric institution. She stands up for the other patients and oftentimes she ends up getting punished for doing that. e.g. if a patient gets tied up for doing something bad, she’ll go and untie the patient, and then she ends up getting tied up herself. She can’t stand injustice. I also can’t stand injustice. However, I don’t have the kind of courage that she has. If it was me, I wouldn’t dare go and untie the patient, knowing that I will get punished for doing that. I respect her for her courage so much, but then I also feel so mad at her for not knowing how to protect her own interests first. And all this for what? That patient still gets tied up again, and now so has she!
I just realized now that my love and longing for my sister may be a major reason I’ve always ended up in either abusive relationships or relationships where I feel that I need to ‘rescue’ the other person, e.g. with his addiction. Since I love my sister so much, but she has this lifelong psychiatric illness that started when she was 18, I think in my mind, I just associated true love with pain & suffering. And of course, I can’t help but to subconsciously feel being abandoned by my sister since she hardly has any lucid moments anymore, so I can not even have a heart-to-heart conversation with her, like we used to. This has also triggered my sense of abandonment. That the one person that I love so much and who loves me equally so, will just end up abandoning me for good.
I love my sister so much, and that’s why it hurts so bad. I miss her so much. Why was I gifted with my best friend since I was a child, just to have her mind taken away by this psychiatric illness? Why is life so unfair? Why did this have to happen to her? Why doesn’t bad things happen to bad people? Why does bad things happen to kind, loving people like my sister? Why?!!!!!
She was also accepted into dental school, and she was also accepted into architecture school. She is so intelligent, creative, and artistic. She drew post-impressionism paintings just like van Gogh. I feel that she’s just like van Gogh ~ an artistic genius tormented by too many creative thoughts in her mind. Sigh…..
Thinking back, my dissociation started around two years ago, when my parents finally made the painful decision to place her in a psychiatric institution for life after her second failed suicide attempt. I think this huge blow to my heart also played an enormous role to me dissociating again. I cried every single day for months and finally, I just wanted to numb myself. I guess the dissociation in a way freezes my thoughts to help me numb my feelings. However, numbing them is only a temporary relief because whenever something reminds me of my sister, I start crying a lot.
Memories… what do I do with all these precious, loving and happy memories I have with my sister? What do I do with them? They cause me so much pain because they remind me of what I will never be able to experience with her again.
I miss you so much. I wish we never had to grow up. I wish you never got ill. I wish I could experience all those happy moments with you again. I’m so scared to face you. I feel so guilty that you are in a psychiatric institution for life and yet I am unable to help you. I want to take care of you but I don’t know how. I want to accept you as who you are now, but I can’t. I miss the old you so much. Please forgive me that I still can not accept you as who you are now. I am trying, please be patient with me. I love you so much, this hurts so much. I miss you so much…
Memories
~ Maroon 5
Here’s to the ones that we got Cheers to the wish you were here, but you’re not ‘Cause the drinks bring back all the memories Of everything we’ve been through Toast to the ones here today Toast to the ones that we lost on the way ‘Cause the drinks bring back all the memories And the memories bring back, memories bring back you
There’s a time that I remember, when I did not know no pain When I believed in forever, and everything would stay the same Now my heart feel like December when somebody say your name ‘Cause I can’t reach out to call you, but I know I will one day, yeah
Everybody hurts sometimes Everybody hurts someday, ayy ayy But everything gon’ be alright Go and raise a glass and say, ayy
Here’s to the ones that we got Cheers to the wish you were here, but you’re not ‘Cause the drinks bring back all the memories Of everything we’ve been through Toast to the ones here today Toast to the ones that we lost on the way ‘Cause the drinks bring back all the memories And the memories bring back, memories bring back you
There’s a time that I remember when I never felt so lost When I felt all of the hatred was too powerful to stop (ooh, yeah) Now my heart feel like an ember and it’s lighting up the dark I’ll carry these torches for ya that you know I’ll never drop, yeah
Everybody hurts sometimes Everybody hurts someday, ayy ayy But everything gon’ be alright Go and raise a glass and say, ayy
Here’s to the ones that we got (oh) Cheers to the wish you were here, but you’re not ‘Cause the drinks bring back all the memories Of everything we’ve been through (no, no) Toast to the ones here today (ayy) Toast to the ones that we lost on the way ‘Cause the drinks bring back all the memories (ayy) And the memories bring back, memories bring back you
The 2022 just came out now to support countries that are still suffering from the Covid pandemic. I first journaled on this topic on June 1st, 2021. I’m journaling on this topic almost a year later.
2022 ~ 明天會更好
So much have changed since then… I’m getting divorced. I had a concussion in January. I’m getting my neuro-psychological testing in 2 hours. I had my first one done after my concussion back in 2019, and that was when it was discovered that I had PTSD.
I was looking back at the 2019 neuro-psychological testing report just now. I’m still struggling with the same issues. I had started counseling for my PTSD in 2019 after finding out that I had untreated PTSD, but then stopped after a month because the company that my husband worked for for 13 years went under.
I started getting counseling again in September of 2021, and thankfully, I’m still going to my weekly sessions for over 6 months now. My dissociation symptoms are so much better now. I’m still struggling a lot especially with this new concussion and my divorce.
However, I have faith that Tomorrow Will Be Better!
June 1st, 2021:
The Taiwanese version of ‘We are the World’! 😊 This is a very stressful week for me. I just pray that Today Will Be Great! and that Tomorrow Will Be Even Better! 🌼
明天會更好 Tomorrow Will Be Better!
明天會更好 Tomorrow Will Be Even Better!
作詞：羅大佑、張大春、許乃勝、李壽全、邱復生、張艾嘉、詹宏志
作曲：羅大佑
編曲：陳志遠
輕輕敲醒沉睡的心靈 慢慢張開你的眼睛 qīng qīng qiāo xǐng chénshuì de xīnlíng màn man zhāng kāi nǐ de yǎnjīng
Lightly awake your soul awake from its sleep
Slowly, open your eyes
看那忙碌的世界是否依然孤獨地轉個不停 kàn nà mánglù de shìjiè shìfǒu yīrán gūdú dì zhuàn gè bù tíng
and watch whether the very busy earth
is still continuing to solitarily revolve without stopping
I have the attention span of a sparrow. There’s always creative juices flowing within and I’m always coming up with fun ideas to do. I’ve always been like this since I was a child. I’m smart, there’s no doubt about it and I have three educational degrees & various certificates to prove that. The downside of this is that it’s hard for me to follow through with what I’ve started…
Seabird ~ Babeheaven
It doesn’t help either that I’ve had two concussions within the past 3 years, the most recent one being in January of this year. The one I had in January 2019 happened outside the parking lot of a hotel. I slipped and fell on ice and hit the back of my head on the rock-hard ice! I dissociated and what I recall happened does not make sense as to what I think really happened anatomically. There’s no way for me to know for sure since no one was there to witness it when it happened.
At least my head hit the carpet for the one that just happened two months ago. My soon-to-be ex-husband was helping me apply the bandage dressing to my lipoma surgical wound (I had the lipoma removal surgery done towards the end of December 2021) and he said that I started to walk towards the door to leave before he could apply the surgical tape onto the bandage dressing. He said that after my head hit the carpet, I started to vomit and thank goodness he quickly turned my head to the side. Otherwise, I may have just choked on my own vomit and died of suffocation. Once again, what I thought happened was completely different from what he said happened to me, including the direction I fell and even the location that I fell backwards.
I went to a clinic specializing in people who have had concussions and did a series of tests for the past two months. I finally had my call with the physician this week to tell me about my test results and the treatment plan.
My main issues, besides having headaches and neck pain, is that I have balance issues and eye-brain coordination incongruency. This is why I can not read for long, I start to get really tired and have headaches not long after I start to read. I also can not focus for long, whereas in the past, if I’m really focused on doing something, I can go for hours non-stop.
Ever since my first concussion back in 2019, I have felt that I just can not function properly, nowhere near where I was before. The physician said it seems like I had already suffered from chronic post-concussion symptoms since my first fall 3 years ago, and the one I just had 2 months ago are now making things a lot worse for me.
I’ll be going for physical therapy for balance issues, and occupational therapy mainly to help my eye and brain to communicate properly again. The physician suggested that I go for PT and OT once a week but knowing how I get overwhelmed so easily, I plan on alternating them instead.
I’m doing a lot of work regarding my mind, body and spirit and I have been committing myself to learn a bit about stock trading each and every day. That’s my long term goal; to manage my investment portfolios wisely.
Bit by bit, and day by day, I will get there! 😃
Seabird
~ Billy Alessi, Bobby Alessi
There’s a road I know I must go Even though I tell myself that road is closed Listen lonely seabird You’ve been away from land too long Oh far too long
I don’t listen to the news no more Like an unwound clock You just don’t seem to care This world isn’t big enough To keep me away from you Ah, far from you Tell the seabird
Seabird, Seabird, fly home Seabird, Seabird, fly home Like a lonely seabird You’ve been away from land too long Oh far too long
Suddenly you’re with me I turn and you’re gone Like a ghost, you haunt me You find warmth in a 1-night bed Tell the seabird
Seabird, Seabird fly home Seabird, Seabird fly home
Seabird, Seabird fly home Seabird, Seabird fly home
I have structured this program for you to start on a Sunday and continue for 8 weeks. You are free to start at any day of the week. However, if you’d like to follow the program outline below, then I suggest that you start on a Sunday as well.
Below is an outline of the program:
Mind: mindset, practice non-judgment, practice acceptance, remove negative thoughts, install positive thoughts, heal your trauma, be gentle with yourself.
take action – as soon as you think of doing something, do it right away
just for today
discernment
if you want to eliminate a habit, reduce it bit by bit – bite-sized reductions – easier to swallow and digest!
take the first step
it doesn’t have to be perfect
stop comparing
don’t cry over spilled milk.
you may have had a wonderful experience with one person that you miss, but just remember, you can have many other wonderful experiences in different forms with other people as well, which may be even better!
Body: diet, exercise, sleep, stretching, tapping, energy meridians.
While this is not a nutrition-based course, there are still many simple steps that you can do to help improve your body function. (Disclaimer regarding seeking medical advice from licensed medical practitioners).
drink at least 8 glasses of clean water every day, clean filtered air. Eliminate toxins from your body. Test for your allergies and eliminate them. Test your blood sugar levels and make sure that they are stable and within normal values.
If you keep on waking up at a certain time at night and find it very difficult to fall asleep again, it may be due to imbalanced blood sugar levels causing your cortisol levels to increase, and thus making it very difficult to fall back asleep again. Sleep apnea, GERD.
Relax TMJ, relax 7th chakra (Yin Tang point as well in Oriental Medicine).
Stand a little taller, sit a little taller. Your physical actions affect your emotions and vice versa. Stand a little taller and your emotions will become a little stronger as well.
Spirit: meditation, setting healthy boundaries, energy clearing, asking for help from your higher power, affirmations, mirror work.
This week, we will start with some simple self-care daily practices for your mind, body and spirit.
We will start adding more slowly week by week and you can start to pick and choose the ones you like, and decide whether you would like to practice them daily, weekly or even monthly.
By the end of the 8th week (the Integration week), you would have compiled your own self-care mind, body and spirit toolkit.
However, it is recommended that you practice all of the mind, body and spirit tools in this first week every single day as this will set you up for success in becoming healthier and happier each and every day!
💐 Week 1 – Mindset:
This is the most important tool to have in your mind, body and spirit self-care toolkit – having a healthy mindset.
When you have a healthy mindset and are able to see yourself becoming more healthy and happy, then it will be a lot easier for you to perform the essential daily self-care practices.
🧠 Mind: Be gentle with yourself
Affirmation: I AM ENOUGH!
Wearing a “Happy Bracelet!”
You are exactly where you are supposed to be right now in your healing journey.
Most too often, we beat ourselves up for not being good enough, successful enough, or rich enough, etc. This brings on a lot of feelings of guilt, shame and anxiety for not being where we think we are supposed to be in our lives. Let that all go. You are enough! You are beautiful, you are handsome, you are kind, you are generous, and you are exactly where you are supposed to be in life and in your healing journey in this moment. Release all of your negative thoughts.
Be kind to yourself and love yourself.
👨👩👧👦 Body: Gentle stretching exercises
Practice gentle stretching exercises daily. When you move your body, you open up your energy channels, which is called “Qi”, or “Chi”, in Oriental Medicine. When your Qi is flowing properly throughout your body, then it relieves blockages (i.e. pain) throughout your body.
😇 Spirit: Gratitude upon awakening
Many people have reported great benefits just by incorporating gratitude into their daily lives.
When you wake up each morning, think of 3 things that you are grateful for.
Start the sentence with, “I am so grateful and thankful that…”
e.g. I am so grateful and thankful that I slept well last night.
I am so grateful and thankful for my bed.
The key is to think of different things that you are grateful for each time. This brings your awareness to surface level. You can be grateful for the delicious cup of herbal tea you had last night. You can be grateful that a stranger opened a door for you yesterday. You can be grateful that you are alive.
When you start practicing gratitude, you will start to find so many things for you to be grateful for in life, and you will naturally start to be happier.
💐 Week 2 – Take Action!: Excellence Does Not Require Perfection!
🧠 Mind: Healing Your Trauma
Modern society has us to believe that being sensitive is a sign of weakness.
We want to think that we do not have any emotional issues. However, recent studies have found that Little T’s may affect us as much as Big T’s.
👨👩👧👦 Body: Prevention is Better than Cure! – A Healthy Diet
😇 Spirit: Meditate – Quieting Your Monkey Mind. Meditate daily. Meditation is getting in touch with your inner self, it has nothing to do with your religion.
💐 Week 3 – Perseverance:
🧠 Mind: Eliminate Negative Thinking
Affirmation: I AM Consistent in the Things that I Say and Do.
Action: Be Who You Want to Be, and Feel How You Want to Feel. Be Congruent with Your Thoughts and Actions.
You are What You Project into this World!
Just as You are What You Eat, Your Thoughts also Create Your Reality!
If you are happy for the rich, then you will also become rich yourself. If you are happy seeing people being in love with each other, then the Universe will also bring love into your life.
Starting from today, be and feel who you want to be, and how you want to feel.
👨👩👧👦 Body: Eating Mindfully
😇 Spirit:
💐 Week 4 – Forming New Healthy Habits:
🧠 Mind: Instill Positive Thinking
There are things in life that may make you feel happy. However, choosing to be Happy is an intentional act. Starting from today, intentionally choose to feel Happy!
Mirror work (Quote Louise Hay) – Smile in front of the mirror every day and say to yourself, “I AM Enough!”. Love yourself and accept yourself exactly as you are.
