I feel that this song “Already Gone” by Kelly Clarkson may reflect how my ex-husband feels and decided to act towards our relationship. Even though he has hurt me tremendously especially with the way he handled it, but I feel that he still had some good intentions behind it. π
When he asked for the divorce on 12/04/21, he said something that stuck with me. He asked me, “You’ll never ask for a divorce, right?”. I told him “Yes”. I think he realized at some point that he had to be the “bad” person to initiate the divorce, in order for us to end our unhappy marriage. He also told me that he has finally resolved his feelings towards our relationship. I wasn’t even aware that he was upset of our almost “non-existent” relationship, until he said that…
He became less and less emotional towards me as the years passed by. However, there were moments when he still showed that he loved and cared for me a lot…
In 2010 in California, after coming home from a delicious seafood dinner, we laid in bed next to each other watching some funny reality tv show together. I started getting bad stomach pains and felt sick. My ex-husband turned on the lights and saw that my face was swollen like Will Smith in the movie “Hitch”. I started to have some difficulty in breathing as my throat was starting to swell up. He was panicking and frantically drove me to the closest ER. I was praying and hoping that we won’t get into a car accident, because he was driving so fast, and thus delay my treatment, as I was going into anaphylaxis from severe allergic reaction to the seafood that I ate. Thankfully, we arrived in one piece. π
There was a long waiting line at the ER but as soon as the staff at check-in saw my completely swollen face, he told me to go inside immediately. That’s how bad the condition I was in…
There was a long waiting line inside the ER room as well, and they had to just put me on a stretcher, start an IV line, and inject epinephrine into my system as that is the first line of treatment for anaphylaxis. My face turned red right away and I started to breathe with even greater difficulty. My ex started to panic again and started to yell at the hospital staff, asking why they’re not seeing me right away? Once again, I’m thinking to myself that it’s probably not the best idea to be yelling at people who have the power to decide whether I shall live or die??? π€ Nonetheless, I understood that he did it out of grave concern for my life and appreciated him for his effort.
I was having constant abdominal pain in 2015. I believe now that I was suffering from chronic appendicitis. My ex was going to attend a Medical Device Convention in San Diego in November and decided to take a week off so that we can also spend some leisure time there as well.
I once again had pretty bad abdominal pain on 10/26/15, less than two weeks prior to our departure. I called him to let him know and he asked me to go and see a doctor right away. I called my health clinic to schedule a same day appointment and they transferred me to a triage nurse to determine how serious my condition was. The triage nurse told me that I have to go to the urgent care clinic immediately, so my ex-husband came home and took me to the urgent care clinic in Plymouth. They determined that I had to go to the ER unit instead, which was thankfully, in the same building. The ER physician suspected that I had acute appendicitis and wanted me to have an abdominal CT scan to rule it out. Just my luck, their CT scan machine broke down so they had to arrange for me to go to the ER in Maple Grove instead. The CT scan showed that I had acute appendicitis and they told me that I had to go into surgery immediately.
When I came to in the recovery room, I saw that my ex had already bought me an adorable stuffed animal. I also found out that he sat outside my operating room the entire time I was having surgery. He informed his workplace that he will be taking time off and slept on the sofa couch in my recovery room for the night. He bought me a cane and helped me with my recovery by taking me out every day after work, since I wasn’t well enough to drive and he knew that I was not the kind of person that could stay at home for the entire day. We also had to cancel the trip to San Diego as I was still experiencing a lot of pain from the operation and was not feeling well enough to fly.
We stayed at a beautiful lakefront home in Orono, Minnesota back in 2017. I just checked my previous Facebook profile that got hacked (and I still can’t gain access back to it) now. This was what I posted on that Facebook profile back on March 12th, 2017:
We had a major blizzard around the same time last year, on the day that I was scheduled to go do our taxes. If I remember correctly, there were probably 11 inches of snow and I ended up driving over a traffic island since everything was just completely covered in snow. The next morning, hubby called me and basically told me that I am banned from leaving the house. I got so upset I eventually hung up on him. He called me again at noon and said “Hey, it’s warmer now since the sun is out”. I asked him “Does that mean I am no longer banned from leaving the house?”. He said “Yes!”, hehehe 
So it’s like Groundhog Day again since we’re going to see our tax preparer this afternoon and there’s a blizzard from 1pm CT to Monday afternoon at 4pm CT. While driving this afternoon, I reminded hubby of what happened last year when I went to see our tax preparer. He decided to take a pre-emptive strike this time and told me before the blizzard even started that I am banned from leaving the house tomorrow. I asked hubby, do you remember what happened last year? Are we really gonna have to go through this again? Where I’m going to get upset and and then you’ll call me during lunch time tomorrow and tell me that the sun is out so my ban has been lifted? He said, “That’s right!”
Then he decided to get clever and told me that he’s going to splash water all over my car doors so that they will get frozen shut (since it’s 19F) and I won’t be able to drive anywhere. hahaha! Gotta say, hubby’s really creative! 
Hahaha, reading that post now just brings a smile back to my face! π
On 01/13/22, I experienced excruciating stomach pains, passed out, had a concussion, and vomited all over. Thankfully, my ex-husband was there and quickly turned my head to the side. Otherwise, I would have choked on my own vomit and died.
When I slowly regained consciousness, I realized that he had already put me on the bed and was acting so distraught. He was so tender and loving towards me, which was something I had not experienced for a very very long time. I asked him what happened to me? When he realized that I’ve regained my consciousness and could talk again, he went back to his usual self and coldly told me that I passed out. He said that I vomited all over and asked what I ate for dinner? He was back to his usual old self again. However, I will always treasure those few seconds of experiencing his tenderness and loving care towards me before he realized that I had regained my consciousness fully. I don’t think he knows that I was aware of how tender and loving he was towards me for those few seconds before I asked him what happened to me.
He took me to the ER in the morning and then to my neurologist (it just so happened that I was scheduled to see my neurologist on that same day because I passed out a few weeks ago at my chiropractor’s office). He tried to convince my neurologist to legally stop me from driving until they find out what caused me to lose consciousness (which could take months), and got upset when she told him that she’s unable to do that (whereas in CA, they could). He knows that I am a law-abiding citizen, so if I’m legally banned from driving, then I will have no choice but to obey it. However, if he requested it, then I might comply with him now and then, but not all the time. I do appreciate his efforts especially since we’re already getting divorced, and he’s well aware that he will have to drive me around every day if I’m not allowed to drive.
We both have strong personalities and have had constant power struggles throughout our marriage. He told me a few years ago that we are both intelligent people, and he believes that there must be a way for us to make this marriage work.
However, too many stressful events happened one after another in the past few years, which I think finally broke down both of our will and strength to fight for anything anymore. I think the most significant one for him was the demise of the company that he worked for since 2006 and was so close to having their stocks go public, our road to riches. The most significant one for me was my sister’s suicidal attempts, which finally led to the heartbreaking decision of placing her in a psychiatric institution for life…
A friend asked me a few days ago if I still wanted to have children since I don’t have any. I told him that I don’t. The main reason being that I want to dedicate my time to taking care of sister, for my parents’ sake, and for my own sake, because I love her so much. The other reason being that if my child falls ill, like my sister does, then I don’t know if I will have the strength of my mother to take care of my sick child for the rest of his/her life, or if I will just have a complete breakdown myself?
They say that you can create your own reality. But sometimes, circumstances are so tough, that I’m not even sure about that anymore… I have so many mixed emotions, I don’t know how to feel anymore…
Already Gone
~ Songwriters: Kelly Brianne Clarkson / Ryan B Tedder
Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they’re haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even without fists held high
It never would’ve worked out right
We were never meant for do or die
I didn’t want us to burn out
I, I didn’t come here to hurt you now
I can’t stop
I want you to know
That it doesn’t matter
Where we take this road
But someone’s gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn’t have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I’m already gone
Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you’ll find another
That doesn’t always make you wanna cry
It started with a perfect kiss
Then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn’t keep this love alive
You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go
I want you to know
That it doesn’t matter
Where we take this road
But someone’s gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn’t have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I’m already gone
So I’m already gone
Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they’re haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
I want you to know
That it doesn’t matter
Where we take this road
But someone’s gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn’t have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I’m already gone
I’m already gone
Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they’re haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye