I was just beginning to enjoy my favorite season of the year, Fall. However, the weather forecast said that we may have some snow flurries today, and it’s 39F as I’m journaling right now. I guess our 2-week Fall season is over. This is kind of how I feel about my marriage. In fact, this is how I’m feeling now with my romantic relationships in general.
I always try to have a positive outlook towards life, and events that happen in my life. I always try to find the silver lining in every cloud. However, my life sucks right now! And this is after years and years of self-help that I’m adding the words ‘right now”, as in, it wasn’t always like this, and this will go away eventually. As to when that will happen? I have no idea.
I just feel like my world has been turned upside down, inside out. Most of the time, I don’t even know if I’m coming, or going. I pretend to the outside world that I’m happy and optimistic, and nothing can affect me for long. Truth is, I don’t sleep well, I’m constantly feeling tired. I have no idea where to go, or what to do after my divorce is final. In fact, I haven’t been working on my divorce process or sorting out my stuff at home and in my storage unit.
I’ve been living in denial all this time, finding things or people to distract me from what’s going on in my life, and at the same time, beating myself up for doing that. I’ve been following this 5-week series on healing from trauma and I’ve realized that being in denial is one of my learned survival responses to what’s going on in my life right now.
And the more I live in denial, the more shitty things happen to me to try and shake me back to reality. I’m so good at pretending to the outside world that I’m happy and got my shit together. I’m always happy when I talk with my mom on the phone because I don’t want her to worry about me. Then, there are times when I’m bawling my eyes out until I tell myself that I better stop or I’m going to end up with eye pain again constantly.
Fall is leaving and winter is arriving soon. Seasons change and our circumstances change constantly. My life sucks right now. My circumstances suck. I have no motivation or energy to go with the change that I can not change.
I have to start all over again. And with winter, comes seasonal affective depression that affects me as well. It’s becoming harder and harder for me to pretend these days that I’m okay. I’m not okay…
Seasons Change
~ ExposΓ©
Some dreams are in the night time
And some seem like yesterday
But leaves turn brown and fade
Ships sail away
You long to say a thousand words
But seasons change
It feels like it’s forever
No reason for emptiness
But time just runs away
No more day by day
You dream again it seems in vain
When seasons change
I want you
I want to feel you by my side
I need you
Don’t you know I need you baby
Seasons change feelings change
It’s been so long since I found you
Yet it seems like yesterday
Seasons change people change
I’ll sacrifice tomorrow
Just to have you here today
Forever seems so far away
There’s time for love and for play
You dream about today
Feeling slips away
The winds that blow they go away
And seasons change
I want you
Don’t hide your feelings from inside
I need you
I’ve got to have your love now baby
Seasons change feelings change
It’s been so long since I found you
Yet it seems like yesterday
Seasons change people change
I want you
I want to feel you by my side
I need you
I’ve got to have your love now baby
Seasons change feelings change
It’s been so long since I found you
Yet it seems like yesterday
Seasons change people change
I’ll sacrifice tomorrow
Just to have you here today
Just to have you here today
Seasons change feelings change
It’s been so long since I found you
Yet it seems like yesterday
Seasons change people change
Change the season