The 7 Stages of Grief are Shock, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance & Hope, and Processing Grief. I find myself fluctuating between the different stages. Some days I feel normal, and then some days I feel very sad.
Sometimes I even ask myself what right do I have to mourn for my Dad? I wasn’t a good daughter, I was hardly by his side. I feel extreme sadness when I think about my Mom. I wonder how she is able to process through her grief? After Mom told me that Dad passed away, I made a commitment to talk to her every day, except when my brother goes over to see her twice a week in the evenings.
Mom and I have a lot to talk about, so we usually end up talking for an hour or longer. Since I call her in my mornings, which are her evenings, I find myself feeling stressed about having to wake up early so that she won’t have to wait for my call before going to bed. Every morning, as soon as I wake up, the first thing I say in my mind is, “I have to call my Mom”. I used to call her once or twice a week, so it took some getting used to talking to her for at least an hour a day, especially if there was something I needed to take care of in the mornings.
I have a group meeting on Friday mornings so when I call my Mom, I let her know that we’ll have to end the call at a certain time, and I feel bad when I have to do that. I told the group that my Dad passed away and my Mom is all alone now, so I have to call her every morning. I asked if they could move the meeting back by 30 minutes so that I wouldn’t have to cut her short. Thankfully, they kindly agreed to it. I told my Mom the next day at the end of our call that we wouldn’t have to feel rushed during our call on Fridays anymore. I thought I heard Mom sobbing softly but then held back. I guess it reminded her of my Dad’s passing and her being all alone now. I guess she also felt like she had become a burden to me. I felt so sad, but I didn’t have the courage to ask her if she was sobbing because I didn’t know how to comfort her at that moment.
It took some getting used to calling her every day for an hour or longer, and I’ve been trying to calm myself to not be in an anxious mode of having to call her right away as soon as I wake up every morning. I told myself that I made a commitment to do so, and I reminded myself how she and Dad took such great care of me my entire life. There were times when I was going through a very rough patch with my ex, and I would call my family every single morning to vent. They always listened to me and never made me feel like I was a burden to them. I don’t want Mom to ever feel like she’s a burden to me again. A few days ago, I suddenly had a realization that I enjoy talking to my Mom every day. It was just like the good ‘ol days when I was young, and every day after I came home from school, Mom would ask how my day went, and I would tell her all about it.
Now Mom calls me when she wakes up, which are my evenings. She said that way I won’t have to worry about having to wake up early, especially if I didn’t sleep well the night before. And if she doesn’t call me in the evening, then I’ll call her the next morning. I’ve also noticed that Mom has started opening up to me more and telling me about her worries, especially regarding my sister. I can’t quite grasp the difference from before, since we have always been talking about how my sister is doing in the institution. However, I think in the past, Mom has always tried to act very strong, but now I can start to feel that she’s more willing to be vulnerable to me when it comes to her feelings.
In the past, Mom would let me vent and try to comfort me. However, lately, I’ve also noticed that she will start to correct me if she feels that I’m at fault. I could sense that with Dad’s passing, Mom has realized that she may also pass away at any time, we all could. I think she feels a sense of responsibility to try and help me become a better person so that I won’t have to suffer from the consequences of my own wrongdoings. I’ve always told Mom that I’m an Aries, so I speak before I think, and when I’m very angry, verbal diarrhea comes foaming out of my mouth. However, once I’m able to say how I feel, then I can become normal again. Unfortunately, it could take the person on the receiving end of the stick a long time before they can regain their composure. This is mainly with people I’m close with, as I feel more at ease to let them know how I truly feel. I couldn’t for the longest time understand why when my ex and I got into an argument, once I was done with saying what I wanted to say, I could then switch back to being normal fairly quickly. However, it may take him hours, or even days, before he could feel normal again.
I tried to defend myself by telling Mom that I’m not a violent person and I don’t break stuff when I’m angry. Therefore, it takes me having to say a lot of things (some of which may be hurtful) in order to let all of my anger out. Mom has been reminding me that sometimes words can make someone feel so devastated that they’ll want to kill themself. I thought about cyberbullying in the news, and many teenagers end up killing themselves because of the horrible things that were said about them on social media. So, this is what I’m working on now to improve myself. When I see red, I will first tell myself to Stop. Stop thinking, stop speaking, stop doing anything, and just take deep breaths. Once I feel more calm, I can then try to process what happened, and voice my thoughts in a more civilized way.
I’m happy now waiting for Mom to call me every day so that I can call her back. Mom said she really thought Dad was going to make it. Dad’s passing made her realize how any of us can just be gone so easily. Life is precious and life is fragile. We have to appreciate life and make the best of it every day. With the way Mom handled Dad’s passing, I know there’s a possibility she may tell my brother not to let me know if she passes away, until at least after 24 hours have passed.
It’s very hard for me to open up to my deepest emotions. However, I no longer want to live a life with regrets, as I have with Dad. I understand and forgive my Mom for not letting me know of my Dad’s illness, and even of his passing away. I also forgive myself for not being there with Dad when he was suffering and not being able to say goodbye to him one last time. I’ve been reminding myself every day to be more emotionally vulnerable when I speak with Mom, and let her know how I truly feel. I also make sure she knows how much I appreciate and love her every single time we speak on the phone.
Everyone hurts and Everyone cries. Hold tight for everyday life…
Everyday Life
~ Coldplay
What in the world are we going to do?
Look at what everybody’s going through
What kind of world do you want it to be?
Am I the future or the history?
‘Cause everyone hurts
Everyone cries
Everyone tells each other all kinds of lies
Everyone falls
Everybody dreams and doubts
Got to keep dancing when the lights go out
How in the world I am going to see?
You as my brother
Not my enemy?
‘Cause everyone hurts
Everyone cries
Everyone sees the color in each other’s eyes
Everyone loves
Everybody gets their hearts ripped out
Got to keep dancing when the lights go out
Gonna keep dancing when the lights go out
Hold tight for everyday life
Hold tight for everyday life
At first light
Throw my arms out open wide
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelu-halle-hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelu-halle-hallelujah
Yes