I have been experiencing an array of emotions lately, swinging from one end of the spectrum to the other. I think the main reason is that July 30th was the 49th day of my Dad’s passing, so now I can finally start to mourn for him like how a normal person would mourn for the loss of a loved one. A lot of other things happened at around the same time as well and the main theme all involved the grieving of a loss.
Lately, most of the time, I just feel annoyed. I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel. Honestly speaking, I’m upset that my Mom hid the whole thing about my Dad’s illness from me, and was even planning on telling me about it only a few days after he had passed away. I didn’t get to see my Dad for one last time. I didn’t even get to speak to him on the phone for one last time. I didn’t get to say my final goodbye to my Dad!!!
Mom said that when Dad was in the ICU, he kept on trying to pull the tube out of his nose and he kept on yelling and saying that he wants to go home. Mom said that when Dad finally came home and laid down on their bed, he never opened his eyes or spoke again. Mom tried to feed him liquid nutrients but he could hardly take anything in. Mom even tried to forcefully feed him the nutrients at times, because she truly believed that Dad would recover and he needed the nutrients in order to become stronger. Everything happened so fast. Dad was taken to the hospital on June 2nd and he passed away on June 12th. Mom saw that Dad was sleeping so she wanted to quickly go and get some groceries. She only left for about 20 minutes but when she came home, Dad was gone.
Mom has been through so much suffering in her life; from being given away as a toddler, being abused by her stepmother, the passing away of her birth mother in Taiwan while my Dad was stationed in the US, my sister becoming ill at such a young age, the passing away of her stepmother, sending my sister away to the psychiatric institution, the passing away of their cat (that my Dad and she saw as their fourth child), and now the passing away of my Dad whom she has been with for over sixty years. My sister’s illness changed Mom’s life completely. She said that the only reason she didn’t have a nervous breakdown was because she knew that if she did, then our family would fall apart for good. My Dad buried himself in his work, my brother started arguing with my parents all the time (blaming them for my sister’s illness), and I started experiencing pain and illnesses all over my body. Mom was born a Buddhist and my sister’s illness caused her to decide to go to Pure Land Nirvana so that she will never have to reincarnate and suffer again.
She has been telling me all these years how important it is during the first 24 hours after someone has passed away to not touch their body, cry, or do anything that may stir up their emotions, which may in turn prevent them from following Buddha to Pure Land Nirvana. My brother has also become a devout Pure Land Buddhist over the years so he also wanted to make sure that they follow those practices rigidly after my Dad passed away. Mom said that when she told my brother on video chat that my Dad had just passed away, my brother’s eyes were moist, but he held back his tears. Mom also became very calm and did not allow herself to cry. She did not touch Dad’s body for 24 hours and only called the Buddhist funeral service after that to collect his body. Dad’s spirit may still linger around for 49 days after his passing, and that’s why we should still try our best not to cry.
I asked Mom why she didn’t tell me that Dad was ill and she said it was because she truly thought that Dad would recover fully. I believe what she said, but I know it’s also because she’s scared that I may then fly back to Taiwan to see my Dad, and if he doesn’t make it, then I’ll end up crying non-stop, which may cause Dad to want to reincarnate again and not go to Pure Land Nirvana. I think I believe that Mom did the right thing. However, I also feel sad that I wasn’t even given a chance to decide for myself whether I wanted to fly back to see Dad or not, and I never got to say my final goodbye to Dad.
Sometimes, I can’t help but wonder when lying in bed and unable to speak or open his eyes, if Dad was hoping that he could see me and my sister one last time, or at least be able to hear our voices on the phone one last time? Was Dad hoping for that? Was Dad waiting for us?
Dad became very ill the day after he got to see my sister on video chat. This was the first time my sister and my Dad saw each other after 3 years. I think that maybe after seeing that my sister is being taken care of, Dad finally felt that he can stop fighting the virus so hard, and just allow himself to rest and collapse. I also think that when Dad knew that he wasn’t going to make it, he wanted to wait for Mom to leave the house before departing from this earth because it would be too painful for Mom to see him dying right in front of her eyes.
I totally understand why my Mom didn’t tell me that Dad was ill, or that he had passed away. However, I also feel profound sadness that I didn’t get to talk to my Dad one last time. I didn’t tell Dad that I love him so much. I didn’t apologize to Dad for letting him down. He was so proud that I became a dentist, but I totally let him down. When I came back from England to Taiwan, I shipped all of my dental books and notes back with me. I left them all at my parent’s home when I came to the US. I told my parents a long time ago to throw them all away as I will never practice dentistry again. However, Dad told Mom to keep everything, just in case I change my mind one day.
I’m so sorry Dad, I wasted all of your money all these years, getting three degrees, but then not putting them to use. I’m so sorry I let you down. Can you please forgive me, Dad? I’m so sorry I never said to you “I love you” except for one time on the phone not long before you passed away. I’m not even sure you heard me say it. Mom said that you did, but did you, Dad? Did you hear me say “I love you”? Did you know how much I love you? I’m so sorry I did not hug you enough. I’m so sorry I did not come back to Taiwan to visit you after Covid struck. You always told me that you’re so proud of me, but I feel that I have let you down so much. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you when you were suffering. I’m so sorry I didn’t say goodbye to you one last time.
I Wish It Would Rain Down
~ Phil Collins
You know I never meant to see you again
But I only passed by as a friend, yeah
All this time I stayed out of sight
I started wondering why
Now I, ooh, now I wish it would rain down, down on me
Ooh, yes, I wish it would rain, rain down on me now
Ooh, yes, I wish it would rain down, down on me
Ooh, yes, I wish it would rain on me
You said you didn’t need me in your life
Oh, I guess you were right, yeah
Ooh, I never meant to cause you no pain
But it looks like I did it again, yeah
Now I, now I know I wish it would rain down, down on me
Ooh, yes, I wish it would rain, rain down on me now
Ooh, girl, I wish it would rain down, down on me
Ooh, yes, I wish it would rain on me
Though your hurt is gone
Mines hanging on inside
And I know, it’s eating me through
It’s eating me through every night and day
I’m just waiting on your sign
‘Cause I know, I know I never meant to cause you no pain
And I realize I let you down, oh yeah
But I know in my heart of hearts
I know I’m never gonna hold you again, no, no
And now I, now I know I wish it would rain down, down on me
Oh, you know I wish it would rain, rain down on me now
Ooh, yes, I wish it would rain down, rain down on me
Yes, you know I wish it would rain down, rain down over me
Just rain down over me
Just let it rain down, let it rain down
Let it rain down, oh yeah
Let it rain down, rain down over me
Just let it rain down, just let it rain down
Let it rain down
Just let it rain