My father passed away from Covid complications on June 12th. I’ve been unable to fully process this since I’m following the Buddhist tradition of praying for him for 49 days to assist his spirit in going to the Pure Land, and am not able to mourn for him by letting out my emotions and crying…
I call my mom at least once a week, and sometimes my dad and I will also talk to each other for a while. It became less often, mainly because of my dad’s dementia. In the past few months, there were times when I wondered if my dad had forgotten who I was.
For some reason, I felt the urge to call home on June 12th but then did not. I called on June 13th and spoke to Mom for a long time. I can’t remember exactly what it was regarding, but I think I was complaining that my soon-to-be ex-husband was ignoring my text messages and not answering my calls. Mom listened to me patiently, and I did not suspect a thing until I asked her how Dad was doing. She went silent and said she was unsure if she should tell me. My heart sank, and I started to feel light-headed. I said to her, “Tell me.”
I started imagining the worst, but there was still a small piece of me hoping she’d tell me that Dad got ill and was in the hospital, or something like that. Instead, Mom said to me that “Dad passed away yesterday.” I was shocked because she didn’t call me yesterday to tell me that. She said she was actually contemplating waiting for a few more days before telling me about it.
I had a video meeting with my sister in April, and mom and I decided to try and see if we could have a 3-way video meeting with my mom joining us on May 31st (Taiwan time) in the morning. To my pleasant surprise, Dad woke up early that morning, and Mom asked him to join us as well. This was my sister’s first time seeing my dad since she was sent to the psychiatric institution in January 2020. We spoke for an hour, and for some reason, I decided to record our video meeting even though I wasn’t sure if that was actually allowed by the psychiatric institution. I am so grateful now that I did that, so I can always go back and see that video when I think of him.
Mom told me that the very next night after our video meeting, Dad became very ill, and she had to call an ambulance. It was found that my Dad contracted Covid. He was 92 years old, and we decided not to get him immunized, especially because he had a thyroid tumor. He also refused to get immunized when my mom asked him to. Dad was released a few days later as the doctor told my Mom that he was no longer positive for Covid, and they had already done everything they could for him. It’s now up to Dad’s own body to recover from this.
I was in shock again after finding out that Dad had been ill since June 1st, as I had been calling my mom once or twice a week during that time, and we always had long conversations. I think I even asked her during those two weeks how Dad was doing, and she didn’t show any trace of him being sick. So, I wasn’t even sure how I was supposed to feel when she told me that Dad passed away yesterday, and that she was even considering telling me about it only a few more days later.
I know that Mom did not tell me about Dad’s passing because she is a devout Pure Land Buddhist, and she wants my dad to go to the Pure Land and not have to suffer from reincarnating again.
In the Pure Land Buddhism tradition, it is very important, especially for the first 24 hours, not to cry after someone passes away as that may cause their spirit to remain attached to earthly desires and not want to go to Pure Land, where there will be no more suffering, no more attachments, and no more reincarnations. I’ve been a crybaby my whole life since I’m so emotional, and Mom has reminded me throughout the years not to cry when she passes away so that she can peacefully go to the Pure Land Nirvana without having to feel sad for leaving me behind.
Mom said that Dad’s cremation ceremony will be held on June 30th, and she and my brother felt it’s best I don’t go back to attend it. The main reason being that Covid was still very bad in Taiwan, and I have auto-immune issues and no health insurance in Taiwan. If I were to end up contracting Covid and become ill, then I guess Mom would feel very guilty about it, and wouldn’t know how to answer to my Dad’s spirit. I also felt scared that I would just burst out crying when I saw Dad’s body, knowing that I was not supposed to.
I’ve been following the Buddhist tradition of praying for my Dad and not eating meat for 49 days after his passing. I’ve also been donating in his name every week.
I told my therapist that she and I had been spending the past few years working on my “Daddy” issues, and I feel now that it is finally time for me to let go; to forgive him for all the inadvertent pain he has caused me, and to ask for his forgiveness for any inadvertent pain I have caused him throughout the years.
I miss you, Daddy. I will always be your little girl. I love you so much. Thank you for loving me and for being in my life. I pray you’re in Pure Land now, without pain or suffering. I hope you will always be happy and healthy. How is it up there, Daddy? I hope you’re dancing in the sky.
Dancing in the Sky
~ Dani and Lizzy
Tell me, what does it look like in heaven?
Is it peaceful? Is it free like they say?
Does the sun shine bright forever?
Have your fears and your pain gone away?
‘Cause here on Earth it feels like everything
Good is missing since you left
And here on Earth, everything’s different
There’s an emptiness
Oh-oh, I
I hope you’re dancing in the sky
And I hope you’re singing in the angel’s choir
And I hope the angels know what they have
I’ll bet it’s so nice up in Heaven since you arrived
So tell me, what do you do up in Heaven?
Are your days filled with love and light?
Is there music? Is there art and adventure?
Tell me are you happy? Are you more alive?
‘Cause here on Earth it feels like everything
Good is missing since you left
And here on Earth everything’s different
There’s an emptiness
Oh-oh, I
I hope you’re dancing in the sky
And I hope you’re singing in the angel’s choir
And I hope the angels know what they have
I’ll bet it’s so nice up in Heaven since you arrived
Since you arrived
Oh, oh
(What does it look like in heaven?) Yeah, yeah
Oh, oh, oh-oh
Oh-oh, oh
Oh, oh, I
I hope you’re dancing in the sky
And I hope you’re singing in the angel’s choir
And I hope the angels know what they have
I’ll bet it’s so nice up in Heaven since you arrived
Since you arrived