March 2022 - Lotus Soul

😭 I’m Sorry

March 29, 2022March 29, 2022 by Helen

I have always felt some kind of tiny grudge towards my ex (my soulmate) for the way things ended between us. Even though I tell myself that I don’t hold any grudges towards him, but the way I’ve been acting towards him makes me feel that I do still hold some kind of grudge against him, especially now that I’m free to do whatever I want, because I’m getting divorced.

Last Time I Say Sorry ~ Kane Brown, John Legend

I’ve been telling him of people that I’m talking with and meeting up with, and fun things that I’m doing with my life, now that I’ve finally been set free. I omit telling him the times when I feel totally alone and isolated, and just want to let him think that I am so happy now with my new found freedom in life.

I told him and showed him photos of the new car that I got since my ex-husband kindly said that he’ll just take my car (since his car got totaled in December 2021), and that I can get another one. I took a selfie on the spur of the moment while I was at a Target dressing room with no makeup and no camera touch ups, but looking absolutely cute and young, almost like a teenager, and texted that to him. I asked him if I looked very young, and he agreed, and said it with sincerity.

Thinking back now, I don’t think that I’m doing it intentionally. At least, not on the conscious level. However, I think that I may be doing it on a subconscious level…

I miss him a lot. I miss all the fun times that we’ve had together. We truly connected so deeply in the mind, body, spirit and intimately. I was his first love, so I know that he will always love me and will never forget me, ever. Even though he wasn’t my first love, but I will also never forget him, ever. I will always love my ex-husband as my family member since we’ve been together for over 14 years now, but the love I have towards my ex, is truly like the union of two souls. It’s so deep, I just can’t explain it in words…

We’ve been talking for at least once a week for the past few months and I could sense some longingness and sadness in him when I tell him about my new life and the new friends that I’m making these days. I also feel this tiny little sense of satisfaction when showing him what he had, and what he could have had for all these years.

Until just now…

I was clearing old emails from an email address that I used when I was in South Africa, it my very first email address in my entire life. I saw a folder that I created back then with his nickname on it, and saw that I saved some email correspondences we had during our breakup period over 17 years ago.

In one email, he was so angry at me and cursed at me for the way that I’ve hurt him in the past. He told me how I was being inconsiderate of his feelings and how he had already apologized for his wrongdoings but I still wasn’t willing to let it go, and kept on picking on that wound over and over again….

Our breakup was from so long ago, I only remembered how hurt and how betrayed I felt, I forgot how hurt and how betrayed he felt as well…

I’m so sorry. I forgive you for all the wrongdoings that you have done to me. I don’t know if I can at this moment, forgive you completely, for sexually and physically assaulting me, but I know that I will eventually. Please forgive me too, for all the wrongdoings that I have done to you. I love you with all my heart, although I’m not sure what kind of love it is anymore. I have always seen you as my family member as well. I am happy that you are still married (as to how happily married you are, I’m not so sure?), and I wish you all the best in life!

I’m sorry, please forgive me. Thank you for loving me, and for continuing to keep me in your thoughts, and in your life…

Last Time I Say Sorry

~ Kane Brown, John Legend

I won’t say I’m sorry over and over
Can’t just say I’m sorry, I’ve gotta show you
I won’t do it again, I’ll prove my love is true
I hope the last time I said sorry
Is the last time I’ll say sorry to you

The first time I slept on the couch, was our first New Year’s Eve
I heard words come out my mouth, that I still can’t believe
Broken hearts and shattered champagne
We both don’t wanna feel that again
The second I apologized you said, “Boy, I don’t know”
I said it ’cause I meant it, but you still wouldn’t let it go
So I swallow my pride, see it from your side
I promise I’ll do the best I can do

No, oh, oh-oh (Oh)
No, oh, oh-oh
To you
No, oh, oh-oh
No, oh, oh-oh
The last time I said sorry
Is the last time I’ll say sorry

If I could build a perfect world I’d only make you smile
I’d hang the stars, the sun and moon outside this room but I’ll
I’ll never be perfect, though I’m gonna try
Oh, I’m gonna do better I swear that I

No, oh, oh-oh (Oh)
No, oh, oh-oh
To you
No, oh, oh-oh
No, oh, oh-oh
The last time I said sorry
Is the last time I’ll say sorry to you
No, oh, oh-oh (Oh)
No, oh, oh-oh
To you
No, oh, oh-oh (Oh)
No, oh, oh-oh

I hope the last time I said sorry
Is the last time I’ll say sorry, to you

🌹 Nothing New 💐

October 28, 2022March 23, 2022 by Helen

I think I am going through an identity crisis right now… I think it may also be because my birthday is coming up soon.

Nothing New ~ Taylor Swift

Taylor Swift’s “Nothing New” reflects her feelings of growing older. She describes the “Red” album as resembling a “heartbroken person.” In her announcement of the re-release on Twitter, she wrote: “It was all over the place, a fractured mosaic of feelings that somehow all fit together in the end. Happy, free, confused, lonely, devastated, euphoric, wild, and tortured by memories past.”

I’ve been married for so long, who will I become once my divorce is finalized? Do I change my surname back to my maiden name? I have three educational degrees, and various licenses & certificates. It took me a long time to change those names to my married surname, and now I gotta do that all over again and change them back to my maiden name?????

This may seem like a small detail in the process of getting divorced, but somehow, that is triggering an identity crisis within me now.

Who was I before I got married? Who was I during my marriage, and Who will I become after I’m divorced? Who Am I? Which one is the real me???

Nothing New

~ Taylor Swift

They tell you while you’re young
“Girls, go out and have your fun”
Then they hunt and slay the ones who actually do it
Criticize the way you fly when you’re soarin’ through the sky
Shoots you down and then they sigh, and say
“She looks like she’s been through it”

Lord, what will become of me
Once I’ve lost my novelty? I’ve had too much to drink tonight
And I know it’s sad, but this is what I think about
And I wake up in the middle of the night
It’s like I can feel time moving
How can a person know everything at 18 but nothing at 22?
And will you still want me when I’m nothing new?

How long will it be cute
All this crying in my room
Whеn you can’t blame it on my youth
And roll your eyes with affеction? And my cheeks are growing tired
From turning red and faking smiles
Are we only biding time ’til I lose your attention?
And someone else lights up the room?
People love an ingénue

I’ve had (I’ve had) too much to drink tonight
How did I go from growing up to breaking down?
And I wake up (wake up) in the middle of the night
It’s like I can feel time moving
How can a person know everything at 18 but nothing at 22?
Will you still want me when I’m nothing new?

I know someday I’m gonna meet her, it’s a fever dream
The kind of radiance you only have at 17
She’ll know the way, and then she’ll say she got the map from me
I’ll say I’m happy for her, then I’ll cry myself to sleep
Oh, whoa, whoa
Oh, whoa, whoa, oh, whoa, oh

I’ve had (I’ve had) too much to drink tonight
But I wonder if they’ll miss me once they drive me out
I wake up (wake up) in the middle of the night
And I can feel time moving
How can a person know everything at 18 but nothing at 22? And will you still want me
Will you still want me
Will you still want me
When I’m nothing new?

Source(s): The Real Meaning Behind Taylor Swift’s Nothing New Featuring Phoebe Bridgers

🌺 Chapter 10 – Establishing a Healthy Daily Structure

March 23, 2022 by Helen

Theme / Agenda for the Chapter:
😴 Establishing a Healthy Daily Structure
Affirmations / Quotes for the Chapter:
💗 Eat Well. Move Daily. Hydrate Often. Sleep More. Love Your Body! 😛
Introduction:
A daily and weekly structure, with a balanced distribution of work, activity and leisure, is of great importance for everyone.
Structure helps people keep track of time and of what they are doing, so they can be more attentive and able to concentrate, and less worried or confused about what comes next.
Structure may help reduce the risk of intrusion of, or switching among, parts of the personality; it may also help reduce the risk of prolonged flashbacks or sinking into depression.

1. Problems with Daily Structure for People with a Complex Dissociative Disorder:
You may start and stop a number of different tasks without finishing anything. This “start-stop” behavior, often due to the interference of parts, leaves all parts of you burdened by yet more unfinished business, depleting your energy further.
Without inner communication and cooperation, the activities and plans of some parts may overlap and interfere with those of other parts of yourself.
2. Reflections on Developing a Healthy Daily Structure:
Would you be willing to push just a little to do one or two activities each day?
If you decide to develop a new structure or routine, do not criticize yourself or other parts if you are not able to keep it all the time. Just try again! You do not have to be perfect to be successful. For most people, it takes several months (and sometimes even more) to make a new routine become a more automatic habit.
3. Additional Tips:
Try to go outside every day and get 15 – 20 minutes of sun.
Try to have contact with other people at least several times a week, especially if you live alone.
4. Keeping Track of Time:
5. Developing Healthy Work Habits:
People often have particular dissociative parts that deal with work, while other parts may be unaware of work. Some parts may sabotage or interfere with work or projects, or prefer to play instead of work. And parts living in trauma-time may become triggered by various situations at work, such as an angry or irritated boss.
6. Reflections on Developing a New Healthy Daily Structure:
Consider which activities give you energy or drain you of energy. Try to cooperate with all parts of yourself to set a realistic daily pace, given your energy level and the amount of energy your activities give or demand of you.
7. Homework:
a. Your Current Daily Structure:
Describe your current daily structure and routines so you assess what is working well for you and what might need to be different. Include the approximate amount of time you spend in each of the four categories listed below. You do not have to go into detail.
i. Work / tasks / chores / appointments / meals
ii. Leisure and social time, for instance, hobbies, being with friends
or family
iii. Personal time for yourself, including inner reflection and
communication with parts
iv. Do nothing; that is, watch mindless TV, surf the Internet, play
video games, stare at the wall, sleep, and so on.
b. Developing a Realistic and Healthy Daily Structure and Routine:
Now describe a realistic and healthy structure and routine that you would like to develop in the next few months. Before you begin, you may want to refer back to the earlier section on reflections for helping you develop your new structure and routine. Remember to change only one thing at a time so you will not become overwhelmed or discouraged
Thoughts:
Miscellaneous:

💗 The 14th Annual Tapping World Summit ~ Please help the people of Ukraine!

March 16, 2022 by Helen

Dear Friends,

I have been feeling really down and worried about the Ukraine crisis that is getting worse by the day, and wishing that I could help in some way.

I have been following “The Tapping Solution” organization for years, and doing EFT tapping (which taps on meridian points to help relieve stress, pain and various ailments). They just finished the “2022 14th Annual Tapping World Summit” which was for free. However, if you would like to gain lifetime access to the entire summit, then you can purchase either their Gold or Platinum upgrades.

I just received an email from them this morning saying that all purchases made today will be donated 100% to the “Supporting Baranova 27” organization, which provides humanitarian aid to the people of Ukraine. Baranova27 was recently started by Maksim & Val Chmerkovskiy, who are professional dancers best known from Dancing With the Stars, and their father Sasha, all of whom are from Ukraine.

Please check out the link below. There’s a video on that page from the mayor of Fort Lee, Mark Sokolich showing the volunteers from Baranova27 helping to pack the aids to be shipped to Ukraine. I’ve just purchased the Platinum upgrade now. Not only is that money going 100% to help the people of Ukraine, but I also get to help myself by going through the entire summit whenever I want to.

I know that my contribution is only a drop in the ocean. However, if we all unite together and donate whatever you can to help the people of Ukraine, then we can make a significant difference to help Ukraine in rebuilding their free nation again. Please join me on this humanitarian effort to help the people of Ukraine. Thank you! Namaste!

https://www.thetappingsolution.com/2022tws/event-upgrade-ukraine.php

Protected: Hypnosis Live

March 14, 2022 by Helen

🤬 I Hate You So Much Right Now!!!! 😡

March 14, 2022 by Helen

🤬 Liar! Cheat! Thief! Addict! Keep on Doing So Many Shady Things Behind My Back!

I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!

I Hate You So Much Right Now! ~ Kelis

[Intro]
Yo, this song, yo
This song is for all the women out there
That have been lied to by their men
And I know y’all been lied to over and over again
This is for y’all, yo, maybe you didn’t break
The way you should’ve broke, yo
But I break, you know I’m sayin’?
So this is how it goes yo
Psst… damn
Yo

[Verse 1]
Last year, Valentine’s Day, you would just warmly say
“Babe I love you, love you, babe I swear” (Yo, he’s lying)
Held you when you were sick, even…
The whole time I’d think to myself, this isn’t fair

[Pre-Chorus]
What is this I see? You don’t come home to me (No! Oh no!)
When you don’t come home to me, can’t deal, can’t bear (Man)
You keep tellin’ me lies, but to your surprise
Look, I found her red coat and you’re caught out there

[Verse 2]
So sick of your games, I’ll set your truck to flames
And watch it blow up, blow up – tell me, how you gonna see her now?
So far from sincere, fabrications in my ear (I love you)
Drive me so far up the wall, I come slidin’ down

[Pre-Chorus]
What is this I see? You don’t come home to me (I don’t believe this!)
When you don’t come home to me, I can’t deal, can’t bear (I won’t)
You keep tellin’ me lies, but to your surprise
Look, I hope you’re happy since you’re caught out there

[Interlude]
Yeah, you’ve been caught
Yo, come on
Come on

[Verse 3]
She’s so raunchy, so vulgar; not me, why the hell her?
Look, she dresses a mess, what do you see? (Look at her! I don’t know)
It’s not all about cash, nor how much you flash (Hell no)
How I dress is a reflection of me

[Pre-Chorus]
What is this I see? You don’t come home to me (Uh-uh)
When you don’t come home to me, can’t deal, can’t bear (Told you I won’t)
You keep tellin’ me lies, but to your surprise
Look I got something for y’all since you’re caught out there

[Chorus]
I hate you so much right now! I hate you so much right now!
Aaaaaaaaaaaah! I hate you so much right now!
I hate you so much right now! I hate you so much right now!
Aaaaaaaaaaaah! I hate you so much right now!
I hate you so much right now! I hate you so much right now!
Aaaaaaaaaaaah! I hate you so much right now!
I hate you so much right now! I hate you so much right now!
Aaaaaaaaaaaah! I hate you so much right now!

Inner Success

March 13, 2022 by Helen

Inner Success Introduction

Inner Success ~ The Quick Pulse Technique – change any area that you don’t like in your life, most versatile.

Inner Success ~ Rolodex – clears any items under a general topic, e.g. relationship, motivation, procrastination, worry, anger, fear of …, headaches, etc.

Inner Success ~ Primary Triad – completes the energy bond that was supposed to be received from your parents. Recreate your views from childhood.

Inner Success ~ Entwined Energy Field Release – great to improve your relationships. Releases the unhealthy bonds with another person and restores healthy functioning. Use it for any relationship that you wish to improve.

Inner Success ~ Energy Clearing and Balancing – to clear, balance and repair the energy centers of your body.

BrainEv 1

March 13, 2022 by Helen

BrainEv 1

🌺 Chapter 9 – Improving Sleep

March 10, 2022March 9, 2022 by Helen

Theme / Agenda for the Chapter:
😴 Improving Sleep
Affirmations / Quotes for the Chapter:
💗 I Sleep Soundly Like a Baby👶 Each and Every Night! 😛
Introduction:
People with complex dissociative disorders almost always suffer from periods of disturbed sleep for a variety of reasons. Some of these may be physiological; others are related to the activity of various dissociative parts.
1. Types of Sleep Problems:
The one that bothers me the most is “Very early morning waking”. I often wake up at 3 – 4am every morning for some unknown reason.
I also have a feeling that I have not slept deeply or well, and then feel tired throughout the day.
2. Factors that Contribute to Sleep Problems:
a. Traumatization:
b. Struggle for Time Among Dissociative Parts:
Sometimes dissociative parts may be more active at night, when the main part of the personality is more fatigued and less “on guard.”
Sometimes parts stay busy because they dread going to sleep or are afraid to close their eyes. They may fear losing control or having nightmares.
c. Other Emotional Problems:
Sleep disturbances are common in those who experience moderate to severe anxiety or depression. Many traumatized individuals experience both.
d. Excessive Stimulation:
e. Lack of Stimulation:
3. Improving the Quality of Sleep:
a. Making Your Bedroom a Pleasant Place for Sleep:
Ensure that all parts of yourself have anchors that are helpful to them.
b. Preparing All Parts of Yourself for Sleep:
It is essential that internal agreements are made about a regular time for you (and all parts of you) to sleep each night.
Remember, that parts can be stuck in the past and experience themselves as young, and your job as an adult is to help those parts of you feel secure and safe in the present.
c. Establishing Sleep Routines:
Make sure that you, in your own way, communicate with all parts of yourself to remind yourself that you are safe and it is OK to go to sleep.
Once nice meditation is to reflect on three or four things for which you are especially grateful for in your life.
4. Tips for Dealing with Specific Sleep Problems:
a. If You Cannot Slow Down Your Thoughts:
i. Check with all parts inside:
Ask whether some part of you needs to communicate inside. If so, ask that part whether it can wait until the next day. It is important to be able to temporarily delay worry and thoughts that interfere with much needed sleep. Find out whether parts of you need something to be different in order to get to sleep. Be attentive to and respectful of all parts of yourself.
ii. Distract Yourself:
Imagine a big STOP sign each time you start thinking about something. After you see the stop sign, refocus your attention on breathing slowly in and out. Breathe in to the count of three, hold for a count of three, and breathe out to a count of three. Repeat several times, just focusing on your breathing.
Imagine putting your problems in a safe container (computer file, bank vault, box, etc.) for the night. You can return to them at the right time the following day.
Imagine a warm, white light that envelops you such that you feel utterly relaxed and safe.
b. If You Cannot Sleep After a Reasonable Amount of Time:
i. Turn the clock away so that you cannot keep checking the time.
ii. Remind yourself that there will be times when you cannot sleep.
iii. Stop trying to make yourself go to sleep.
c. If You Wake Up After a Nightmare:
i. The first step is to always get your bearings in the present.
ii. Do some gentle stretching exercises to help your body reorient to the present.
iii. You might try “changing” your nightmare. Add a supportive or strong person to the dream, invent a way out of the situation, or give yourself special powers to overcome any sense of powerlessness or fear in the dream.
d. Using Sleep Medication Appropriately:
5. Therapy Homework:
a. Look out for “Dad residue” thoughts.
b. When I want to do something kind for my ex, think of something kind to do for myself instead (since he does not want me to go above and beyond to do things for him; probably because he doesn’t want to feel guilty that I still care about him a lot).
c. If I wake up in the middle of the night, ask myself, “Is there a part of me that is being activated? If I become aware of a part that’s activated, then look deeper to see what has been activated?
d. After that, do some grounding and soothing breathing to fall back asleep again.
6. Homework:
a. Sleep Record:
b. Making Your Bedroom a Pleasant Place for Sleep:
Remind yourself that “All is Well, Here and NOW”.
c. Developing a Sleep Kit:
d. Developing a Bedtime Routine:
Thoughts:
I am getting better and better each and every day! I am starting to feel better and happier.
I am feeling off the layers of onions of my limiting thoughts, and beginning to find areas (physically, emotionally and spiritually) to improve upon.
Miscellaneous:
I told Anna that I have been sleeping better and feeling happier in general and that our sessions play a major role in this drastic improvement.
I also told her that I no longer dissociate and am able to remind myself to find anchors at the moment to keep myself grounded and remain in the present moment, especially when I have chiropractic treatments. Yay! 😃