🌺 Journal

Sunday was Day 49 of my Dad’s memorial ceremony. I believe that he is now in Pure Land Nirvana, and will continue to chant Buddhist prayers for him and for myself daily.

Now, I’m back to reality, and I am going to breakaway from all of the trash in my life!

My sister got ill when I was still in high school. I remember one day picking up the phone and hearing her speaking incoherently, being extremely fearful that she may die soon. That day changed our family’s lives forever. From that day onwards, it was all about her illnesses and sufferings. Don’t get me wrong, I love her very much and feel great sorrow for her suffering. However, I also need to recognize and acknowledge the pain and suffering I have been through as well.

I started going to the movies by myself and doing everything by myself since my mother was too busy taking care of her. I remember all of the broken promises from my mother because of my sister’s constant episodes. I realized from that point onwards, that I will just have to be by myself. Both of my best friends; my sister and my mom can no longer be there by my side constantly, as before.

I remember after starting dental school, I wanted to go to the library in the evenings to study so that I can focus better. Mom took my sister out during the day and said that she’ll be back at a certain time to take me to the library. One night, I waited and waited and eventually had it. I decided to walk late at night to the library through an unsafe path by myself and wished that someone will just rape me and kill me so that I can finally end this life of loneliness and misery. Fortunately, I made it back home safely that night.

I have been through so much shit in the past few years, starting from my soon-to-be ex-husband’s addiction and “throwing money away like it’s candy” delirious acts, up to meeting people exhibiting the same self-centered, narcissistic traits as him. It’s just like what I’ve learned in the “Divorce Care” support group meetings; heal the traumas from your past relationships, or end up being with the same person all over again, but just with a different face.

Since my ex has been avoiding all of my emails, calls, and texts, I have been driving by his workplace at various times and finally found him there yesterday evening. I told him that I am done with his shit. I am done with paying for the loan he took up for the scammer whore, paying for our joint expenses, and not getting anything back from him. I asked him why is he not giving me the required information to file for our divorce? He said that he has been too busy working. Ya, right, too busy trying to apply for loan after loan, and for what, I have no freaking idea! I told him that since we are still legally married, I can, and am very close to admitting him to a mental institution. I told him that I am also very close to taking legal action against him and freezing all of his assets. Since I am using our joint account (which he is not putting money into) to pay for the loan he took up for that scammer whore, I told him that I am also considering closing that joint account and defaulting on his loan, so that he will never in his life be able to get approved for a loan again. I told him I regret so much for getting his credit from poor to excellent all these years. If I just let him continue with his shitty credit history, of not even being able to get approved for a credit card, then he would not have been able to take up all these loans for that scammer whore!

I am done with shit in my life. I told him to get our divorce done now!

I am breaking away from all of the trash in my life. Not just with him, but with every single self-centered, narcissistic person in my life.

I am starting my life all over again, on my own. Breakaway!!!

Breakaway

~ Kelly Clarkson

Da, da, da, da, da, da, da
Da, da, da, da, da, da
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da
Da, da, da, da, da, da
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da

Grew up in a small town and when the rain would fall down
I’d just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be and if I’d end up happy
I would pray (I would pray)

Trying hard to reach out but when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here but something felt so wrong here
So, I prayed I could break away

I’ll spread my wings and I’ll learn how to fly
I’ll do what it takes ’til I touch the sky
And I’ll make a wish, take a chance, make a change and breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won’t forget all the ones that I love
I’ll take a risk, take a chance, make a change and breakaway

Da, da, da, da, da, da, da
Da, da, da, da, da, da
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da

Wanna feel the warm breeze, sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train, travel on a jet plane, far away and breakaway (I will)

I’ll spread my wings and I’ll learn how to fly
I’ll do what it takes ’til I touch the sky
And I’ll make a wish, take a chance, make a change and breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won’t forget all the ones that I love
I’ll take a risk, take a chance, make a change and breakaway

Buildings with a hundred floors, swinging around revolving doors
Maybe I don’t know where they’ll take me but
Gotta keep moving on, moving on, fly away, breakaway

I’ll spread my wings and I’ll learn how to fly
Though it’s not easy to tell you goodbye
I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change and breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won’t forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change and breakaway

Breakaway, breakaway

I’ve been going through a lot of stress for the past two years after my soon-to-be-ex asked for a divorce in Dec 2021, and I found out about a lot of shady things he had been doing behind my back.

I found out during our tax appointment this year that he gave away another 6 digits to the other woman, and due to an early retirement account withdrawal, we ended up with a $10,000 tax penalty. I found out a month later that he took up another loan to give to that woman.

I don’t know what is going on with him. He told me back then that after he gave the first 6 digits to that woman that he was done with her. He told me recently that in the past 2 years, he has developed feelings for her and is hoping that one day she will want to be with him. Wanting a scammer to fall in love with you for falling for her scam???

I honestly don’t know if he’s going through some kind of psychosis. He has basically gone off the grid and I can hardly even get ahold of him. I’ve finally realized that there is nothing I can do to help him, especially because he doesn’t seem to think that he’s doing anything wrong, or that this woman is just scamming him.

I just want to get this divorce taken care of asap. It has been dragging on for too long and is wearing me out. I’ve been emailing and texting him a lot for the past few weeks asking him to get this done right away but nothing is getting done. He hardly even responds to my texts and emails.

How did I end up with this after 15 years of marriage? How can someone change so much to the point where he can no longer tell between right and wrong, or good and bad?

Like the wildflowers, I just want to be free. I belong somewhere I feel free…

Wildflowers

~ Tom Petty

You belong among the wildflowers
You belong in a boat out at sea
Sail away, kill off the hours
You belong somewhere you feel free

Run away, find you a lover
Go away somewhere all bright and new
I have seen no other
Who compares with you

You belong among the wildflowers
You belong in a boat out at sea
You belong with your love on your arm
You belong somewhere you feel free

Run away, go find a lover
Run away, let your heart be your guide
You deserve deepest of cover
You belong in that home by and by

You belong among the wildflowers
You belong somewhere close to me
Far away from your trouble and worry
You belong somewhere you feel free
You belong somewhere you feel free

My father passed away from Covid complications on June 12th. I’ve been unable to fully process this since I’m following the Buddhist tradition of praying for him for 49 days to assist his spirit in going to the Pure Land, and am not able to mourn for him by letting out my emotions and crying…

I call my mom at least once a week, and sometimes my dad and I will also talk to each other for a while. It became less often, mainly because of my dad’s dementia. In the past few months, there were times when I wondered if my dad had forgotten who I was.

For some reason, I felt the urge to call home on June 12th but then did not. I called on June 13th and spoke to Mom for a long time. I can’t remember exactly what it was regarding, but I think I was complaining that my soon-to-be ex-husband was ignoring my text messages and not answering my calls. Mom listened to me patiently, and I did not suspect a thing until I asked her how Dad was doing. She went silent and said she was unsure if she should tell me. My heart sank, and I started to feel light-headed. I said to her, “Tell me.”

I started imagining the worst, but there was still a small piece of me hoping she’d tell me that Dad got ill and was in the hospital, or something like that. Instead, Mom said to me that “Dad passed away yesterday.” I was shocked because she didn’t call me yesterday to tell me that. She said she was actually contemplating waiting for a few more days before telling me about it.

I had a video meeting with my sister in April, and mom and I decided to try and see if we could have a 3-way video meeting with my mom joining us on May 31st (Taiwan time) in the morning. To my pleasant surprise, Dad woke up early that morning, and Mom asked him to join us as well. This was my sister’s first time seeing my dad since she was sent to the psychiatric institution in January 2020. We spoke for an hour, and for some reason, I decided to record our video meeting even though I wasn’t sure if that was actually allowed by the psychiatric institution. I am so grateful now that I did that, so I can always go back and see that video when I think of him.

Mom told me that the very next night after our video meeting, Dad became very ill, and she had to call an ambulance. It was found that my Dad contracted Covid. He was 92 years old, and we decided not to get him immunized, especially because he had a thyroid tumor. He also refused to get immunized when my mom asked him to. Dad was released a few days later as the doctor told my Mom that he was no longer positive for Covid, and they had already done everything they could for him. It’s now up to Dad’s own body to recover from this.

I was in shock again after finding out that Dad had been ill since June 1st, as I had been calling my mom once or twice a week during that time, and we always had long conversations. I think I even asked her during those two weeks how Dad was doing, and she didn’t show any trace of him being sick. So, I wasn’t even sure how I was supposed to feel when she told me that Dad passed away yesterday, and that she was even considering telling me about it only a few more days later.

I know that Mom did not tell me about Dad’s passing because she is a devout Pure Land Buddhist, and she wants my dad to go to the Pure Land and not have to suffer from reincarnating again.

In the Pure Land Buddhism tradition, it is very important, especially for the first 24 hours, not to cry after someone passes away as that may cause their spirit to remain attached to earthly desires and not want to go to Pure Land, where there will be no more suffering, no more attachments, and no more reincarnations. I’ve been a crybaby my whole life since I’m so emotional, and Mom has reminded me throughout the years not to cry when she passes away so that she can peacefully go to the Pure Land Nirvana without having to feel sad for leaving me behind.

Mom said that Dad’s cremation ceremony will be held on June 30th, and she and my brother felt it’s best I don’t go back to attend it. The main reason being that Covid was still very bad in Taiwan, and I have auto-immune issues and no health insurance in Taiwan. If I were to end up contracting Covid and become ill, then I guess Mom would feel very guilty about it, and wouldn’t know how to answer to my Dad’s spirit. I also felt scared that I would just burst out crying when I saw Dad’s body, knowing that I was not supposed to.

I’ve been following the Buddhist tradition of praying for my Dad and not eating meat for 49 days after his passing. I’ve also been donating in his name every week.

I told my therapist that she and I had been spending the past few years working on my “Daddy” issues, and I feel now that it is finally time for me to let go; to forgive him for all the inadvertent pain he has caused me, and to ask for his forgiveness for any inadvertent pain I have caused him throughout the years.

I miss you, Daddy. I will always be your little girl. I love you so much. Thank you for loving me and for being in my life. I pray you’re in Pure Land now, without pain or suffering. I hope you will always be happy and healthy. How is it up there, Daddy? I hope you’re dancing in the sky.

Dancing in the Sky

~ Dani and Lizzy

Tell me, what does it look like in heaven?
Is it peaceful? Is it free like they say?
Does the sun shine bright forever?
Have your fears and your pain gone away?

‘Cause here on Earth it feels like everything
Good is missing since you left
And here on Earth, everything’s different
There’s an emptiness

Oh-oh, I
I hope you’re dancing in the sky
And I hope you’re singing in the angel’s choir
And I hope the angels know what they have
I’ll bet it’s so nice up in Heaven since you arrived

So tell me, what do you do up in Heaven?
Are your days filled with love and light?
Is there music? Is there art and adventure?
Tell me are you happy? Are you more alive?

‘Cause here on Earth it feels like everything
Good is missing since you left
And here on Earth everything’s different
There’s an emptiness

Oh-oh, I
I hope you’re dancing in the sky
And I hope you’re singing in the angel’s choir
And I hope the angels know what they have
I’ll bet it’s so nice up in Heaven since you arrived
Since you arrived

Oh, oh
(What does it look like in heaven?) Yeah, yeah
Oh, oh, oh-oh
Oh-oh, oh

Oh, oh, I
I hope you’re dancing in the sky
And I hope you’re singing in the angel’s choir
And I hope the angels know what they have
I’ll bet it’s so nice up in Heaven since you arrived
Since you arrived

It’s hard to believe that 2022 will be over in two weeks. This has been a year mixed with lots of joy, laughter, hurt, and tears. This is my first year toward independence after 14 years of marriage, learning to let go of the past, and keeping an open mind about my future. I’ve had to learn to let go of what does not serve me over and over again, as much as I may want to cling to it and as painful as that may be.

I am grateful to my soon-to-be ex-husband for the “Dark Night of the Soul” he has brought upon me for the past two years. I have shed so many tears, had my heart pierced by a hundred arrows, and my soul dripping blood continuously. I’m being forced to be thrown back into society, to start interacting with strangers; to form meaningful connections with some, to be lied to and feel that I am undeserving and unloved by others, and then having to pick up the pieces and slowly put myself back together again ~ piece by piece.

I’ve started learning stories of people similar to my situation, whether they’re considering going through a divorce, are in the middle of one, or are still trying to heal from one. I attended the 13-week Divorce Care support group twice this year, and the same story keeps coming into play in the divorce ~ Addictions.

I still have such a long journey to go. I need to unlearn all the unhealthy patterns I was taught since childhood. I need to let go of all my codependent tendencies after being married to someone with an addictive personality for so long. I still worry about my ex, worried that he’ll be drinking and driving and end up in an accident or worse… I still worry about others and attend to their needs more than for myself.

I will allow myself to mourn for my past for the rest of 2022, the good and the bad, and then I will pick myself back up again.

🌹 Auld Lang Syne…

Auld Lang Syne

~ Robert Burns

Should old acquaintance be forgot
And never brought to mind
Should old acquaintance be forgot
And auld lang syne
For auld lang syne, my dear
For auld lang syne
We’ll take a cup of kindness yet
For auld lang syne

We two have paddled in the brook
From morning sun till dine
But seas between us broad have roared
Since auld lang syne
For auld lang syne, my dear
For auld lang syne
We’ll take a cup of kindness yet
For auld lang syne

And here’s a hand my trusty friend
And give a hand o’ thine
We’ll take a cup of kindness yet
For auld lang syne
For auld lang syne, my dear
For auld lang syne
We’ll take a cup of kindness yet
For auld lang syne

I’m slowly trying to heal from all of my past hurts, betrayals and heartbreaks. Some days are tougher than others, but I’m finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve been in two shorter-term relationships in the past where after we broke up, they asked me to go back to them and marry them. Incidentally, they’re both of the Scorpio Sun sign.

I am a firm believer in giving all my best in a relationship, and sometimes it may take months, or even years before I finally decide to let go. They may have even taken a piece of my heart with them and left me bleeding raw for a very long time. However, once I’m finally able to let it go, I never look back because I know that there was nothing more I could have done to save the relationship, and I can leave with no regrets. I also know that if I take that person back, then he may fall back into his old ways and we’ll just be forever entangled in this drama/trauma type of relationship. If we weren’t able to work things out while we were together, then it just wasn’t meant to be.

I may still love him for the rest of my life. However, the love has been transformed into a familial type of love, where I just wish him all the best and pray that he will always be happy, healthy, safe, and well-loved. If we had connected on a very deep level while we were together, then I’m even able to be good friends with them for the rest of our lives. However, I draw very clear lines between friendship and a romantic relationship, and I make sure we don’t ever cross that line, like with my ex-boyfriend, for instance. I hope that I will be able to maintain a good friendship with my soon-to-be ex-husband as well, as I will always care for him as a family member.

I’ve learned to start loving myself more as well. I deserve the best in life, just as everyone else does. If you truly love someone that you’re unable to work things out with, then set them free to be with their perfect mate. There is a brighter future ahead for all of us.

🌹 Love With No Regrets ~ Never Looking Back… 🌹

Never Looking Back

~ Elizabeth South

Sometimes I look back and
Hold on to regrets
When all the signs say time to move on
Sometimes the steps I take
And all decisions I make
Unravel and just come undone

Sometimes the troubles I face
And all I can’t erase
But at the end I have to move on
Sometimes the way I feel is
Stronger than what is real
And all I want to do is run
But I am not alone
And I will find my way home

Chorus:
Never gonna let my heart break
Open up a world that I make on my own
Gonna feel the wind in my face
Gonna start to live again
And I will be strong
I’m never looking back

Sometimes I look back at
Mistakes and I’ve lost track
And I don’t know how to let go
Sometimes I can’t hide
From all the doubting inside
I’m so afraid to let me show
The one I think I see
Is the one who has been set free

As time moves on
I’ll live in the moment of this song
As the rain falls round
I’ll let the walls come tumbling down
Fall down, Oh down

A friend recommended that I watch a YouTube video called “The Power of Vulnerability” by Brené Brown, which talks about having an open heart and being willing to be vulnerable in all of your relationships in order to experience true love and happiness. After watching the video, thinking of my past betrayals, and exploring the possibility of being willing to be vulnerable again in my relationships, I experienced a panic attack with anxiety, heart palpitations, and shortness of breath.

I have been doing so much emotional work this year to try and heal from all the heartbreaks, betrayals, deceptions, and broken promises that I have experienced, and I have finally started to feel better about myself and my life. However, after watching that video and having an emotional breakdown, I’ve just realized that there is still so much healing that I need to do.

It still hurts so bad! How can it still hurt so bad!?? I thought I had already forgiven everyone that has hurt me and betrayed me so badly in the past. I’ve been working so hard on forgiving and letting go, which is like sweeping the trash out of my home (my heart). And this concept of being vulnerable is like once again leaving my front door open so that anyone can come into my home (my heart) and destroy it all over again… This is the analogy that comes to mind for me at this phase in my life when I think of being vulnerable again in my relationships.

I don’t think I’m there yet. I’ve just started to finish my stage of forgiveness and letting go of the hurt that others have done to me. I’m now entering the phase of forgiving myself for allowing others to abuse me, whether it’s emotionally or physically. The next phase of my healing journey will be to become self-empowered and learn to set healthy boundaries.

Once I’m able to set healthy boundaries, then I can become vulnerable again, knowing deep inside that even if I get hurt again, I will be okay. It will still be painful, it will still hurt like hell. However, I will know when to draw the line, and I will heal fully.

If I gave the opportunity to you, then would you blow it?

If I was the greatest thing that happened to you, would you know it?

If my love was like a flower, would you plant it, would you grow it?

Vulnerable

~ Selena Gomez

If I gave you every piece of me, I know that you could drop it
Give you the chance, I know that you could take advantage once you got it
If I open up my heart to you, I know that you could lock it
Throw away the key and keep it there forever in your pocket

If I gave the opportunity to you, then would you blow it?
If I was the greatest thing that happened to you, would you know it?
If my love was like a flower, would you plant it, would you grow it?
I might give you all my body, are you strong enough to hold it?

If I show you all my demons
And we dive into the deep end
Would we crash and burn like every time before?
I would tell you all my secrets
Wrap your arms around my weakness
If the only other option’s letting go

I’ll stay vulnerable, yeah
I’ll stay vulnerable, yeah
I’ll stay vulnerable

If I hand you my emotions, would you even want to take it?
(Would you even want to take it? Yeah)
If I give you all my trust, then would you fumble it and break it?
(Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm)
If I let you cross my finish line, then would you wanna make it?
(Would you wanna make it? Would you wanna make it?)
I think I’m ready, won’t you come and flip the switch and activate it?
(Ooh)

If I show you all my demons
And we dive into the deep end
Would we crash and burn like every time before?
I would tell you all my secrets
Wrap your arms around my weakness
If the only other option’s letting go

I’ll stay vulnerable, yeah
I’ll stay vulnerable, yeah
I’ll stay vulnerable

If I show you all my demons
And we dive into the deep end
Would we crash and burn like every time before?
I would tell you all my secrets
Wrap your arms around my weakness
If the only other option’s letting go

I’ll stay vulnerable, yeah (yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’ll stay vulnerable, yeah (oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)

If I show you all my demons
And we dive into the deep end
Would we crash and burn like every time before? (I’ll stay vulnerable)
I would tell you all my secrets
Wrap your arms around my weakness
If the only other option’s letting go

I’ll stay vulnerable

I’m starting to train myself to become self-empowered. I’ve lived my entire life being a people-pleaser, always asking what others want. How to make them happy? How to meet their needs? How to act so that they will like me? To the extent that I’ve completely lost myself. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I need. I don’t know what to do in order to be happy?

After a string of unfortunate events, meeting bad people one after another, and getting burned inch-by-inch, I’ve finally put my foot down and said, “That’s Enough!”. No more people-pleasing, no more putting up with bad behaviors and no exceptions! I’ve started to have this newfound freedom and realization that I really Do Not want to have any kind of drama in my life. That means, no drama-kings, no drama-queens, no mind games, no players, no liars, no cheaters, and no anything that does not serve my highest good. After setting that intention, I’ve slowly been able to get in touch with my true self and ask myself, “What do I want?”, “What are the qualities of a person that I’m looking for?”, “Can this person add more value to my life, or will this person drain my energy?”.

I’m also starting to slowly discover what makes ME happy, instead of everyone else? For one, I’ve realized that I am really a traditional person in many ways. My one and only favorite sex position is the missionary position (I consider myself on top to be part of it as well). When I was with my ex-boyfriend and we had sex every single day for the first year we were together, it was always in the missionary position. Once in a while, he’ll want to try out the doggie position, or 69, and I’m all for experimenting once in a while. But that’s where it stays, once in a while…

When I had sex with a man 10 years younger than me (a long time ago), and he even had a threesome before, he said that I was the best sex ever, and this was in the missionary position, and with me on top as well.

I’m really not into any kind of fetish whatsoever. If the guy wants to have oral, that’s fine. However, he better have had flossed his teeth, brushed his teeth, rinsed his mouth thoroughly, and not contaminate himself throughout the process. I have autoimmune issues, and the last thing I need is to catch an infection because the guy is not being germ-aware of what he’s doing to me down there.

Call me boring, call me vanilla, call me being too careful if you’d like. But you know what? This is my body. This is my life. I did not go through the entire dental education just to be with someone that is unable to respect not contaminating people with germs. Just because you can not see them, does not mean they don’t exist, and it does not mean that they can not create havoc and even long-term detrimental effects to your life.

I also know that “Baby Pink” is my favorite color, and I like having short hair. I don’t know why I meet so many men who are attracted to me when I have short hair. Yet, they expect me to now grow my hair long for them. If you like women with long hair, then Don’t even bother talking to women with short hair, OK? If you like women who wear high heels and fancy dresses, then I am definitely not for you as I wear t-shirts and yoga pants every single day. If you like women who put on tons of makeup and perfume, then I am definitely not for you as I have multiple chemical sensitivities. And, even if I didn’t have multiple chemical sensitivities, I still will not wear makeup and perfume because I do not like having anything that is Fake in my life. I like to be the best version of myself 24/7 whether I’m out and about, or have just woken up. WYSIWYG (What You See Is What You Get) is my motto in life. I don’t like anything or anyone that is Fake or Disingenuous.

If I see you doing shit, then I will call you out. I will not act dumb and play along with your idiotic ways of thoughts and behaviors. If you want to keep secrets and lies, then take them with you to your grave and stay away from me!

THIS IS ME, TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT!

I’ve not just been “Through The Rain”, I’ve been “Through The Tornado”. I almost died at the beginning of this year and by the grace of God, I survived. I will not ever live my life in a disingenuous way, either to myself or others, ever again. I am certain now that I will be Just FINE, being ON MY OWN!

Through The Rain

When you get caught in the rain
With nowhere to run
When you’re distraught and in pain
Without anyone
When you keep crying out to be saved
But nobody comes
And you feel so far away
That you just can’t find your way home
You can get there alone
It’s okay, once you say

I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I’m strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I make it through the rain

And if you keep falling down
Don’t you dare give in
You will arise safe and sound
So keep pressing on steadfastly
And you’ll find what you need to prevail
Once you say

I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I’m strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I make it through the rain

And when the wind blows
As shadows grow close
Don’t be afraid
There’s nothing you can’t face
And should they tell you
You’ll never pull through
Don’t hesitate
Stand tall and say

I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I’m strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I’ll make it through the rain

I can make it through the rain
And stand up once again
And I live one more day, and I
I can make it through the rain
Oh yes, you can
You’re gonna make it through the rain

Growing up, we were taught that in order to be considered a “Beautiful Girl”, you had to grow your hair long, put on tons of makeup, wear a nice perfume, act sexually alluring, and be submissive to your man.

That doesn’t work for me, even if I wanted it to. I have multiple chemical sensitivities, so I can forget about putting on perfume or makeup. I wash my hair every single night and I like having short hair. I do listen to my man, growing up with a father who is a male chauvinist (I still love you dearly, Dad). However, I was raised in Western countries, where women are also allowed to have a voice, so I’m kinda mixed in that sense.

I was also raised in a culture where “Saving Face” is very important to a man. Therefore, I will let my man have his say when we’re out and about. However, once we’re home, I’m the Queen. My ex actually kind of understands that and respects that unspoken rule we have, which is pretty cool.

As I grow older, I start to contemplate what truly makes a “Beautiful Girl”? I believe now that it is someone who lives an authentic life, and honors their truth. Being an empath, I am constantly aware of what is expected of me to say and do, even if it’s against what I believe in. Now, I’m reminding myself each and every day to live my authentic self and to honor my truth. How can I expect others to respect me and love me if I can’t even respect and love myself? How can I truly respect and love others, if I can’t even do that for myself?

Here’s to a Beautiful Girl! 🌹

Beautiful Girl

~ Pete Droge & the Sinners

I woke up near rittenhouse square
There was noise in the hall; snow was flowing in the air
And I could see just then the flashing spark
Of the match to my first smoke

Some houses are built to last
It’s the couple inside that change too fast
I can see their faces looking through the glass
They’re not where they belong

I want to stay with you, babe.
Won’t you let me stay?
You’re a beautiful girl.
I’m right where I belong, babe.
I’m here with you.
You’re a beautiful girl.

I see your feet at the edge of the bed
While an old love song is creeping into your head
And as your eyes just closed I could only guess
If you were dreaming of me again

Stained glass casts a flickering light
With the curtains closed I can’t tell if it’s night
But I know for sure that this sure feels right
With you here between my arms

I want to stay with you, babe.
Won’t you let me stay?
You’re a beautiful girl.
I’m right where I belong, babe.
I’m here with you.
You’re a beautiful girl.

And I hope that you can take me
When I’m going out of my head.
And I hope that you will keep me
Keep me warm in your bed.

This Mandarin Taiwanese Song, translated as “The Ancient Moon Shines Upon the Present Ashes” speaks of the fall of the Republic of China (that retreated to Taiwan in 1949), and how we will rebuild our country again. It makes me think of my marriage and my life in general…

This song speaks that every night, we look at the moon that has been around since ancient times, shining down on the ashes of the earth, yet not realizing how much history lies within these ashes. How many dynasties and empires have risen and fallen in these ashes? Does anyone know? Does anyone care?

I gave it my all for this marriage. I put in my blood, sweat, tears, commitment, and love into this marriage for 15 years. My empire has fallen. It has now been burned to the ground and all that is left are ashes of this earth. Does anyone know? Does anyone care?

I CARE!!! I AM REBUILDING MY EMPIRE AGAIN, ON MY OWN!!! Only someone that is worthy of me will ever be accepted into my empire again! If not, then so be it!

古月照今塵

The Ancient Moon Shines Upon the Present Ashes

~ 文章

一部春秋史　千年孤臣淚

A history of Spring and Autumn, the millennial tears of lone courtier.

成敗難長久　興亡在轉瞬間

Victory and failure are scarcely permanent, the vicissitude changes fleetly.

總在茶餘後　供於後人說

Always chatted about, by posterity after tea;

多少辛酸　　話因果

So much misery tells the cause and effect.

百戰舊河山　古來功難全

In the hundreds of wars of the country in olden days, honor was hard to be achieved since ancient times.

江山幾局殘　荒城重拾何年

However many times has the land been separated? Whatever year can be rediscovered in the ruined town?

文章寫不盡　幽幽滄桑史

No articles can record the whole vicissitude.

悲歡歲月　　盡無情

The days of sorrow and joy, are all ruthless.

長江長千里　黃河水不停

Thousand-mile long the Yangtze River, unceasingly running the Yellow River.

江山依舊人事已非

Country as before, but the people not,

只剩古月照今塵

Only the ancient moon shines upon the present ashes.

莫負古聖賢　效歷朝英雄

Don’t disappoint the past sages, and emulate the heroes of each era.

再造一個輝煌的漢疆和唐土

Rebuild a country as mighty as Han and Tang Dynasty.

再造一個輝煌的漢疆和唐土

Rebuild a country as mighty as Han and Tang Dynasty.

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