I was just beginning to enjoy my favorite season of the year, Fall. However, the weather forecast said that we may have some snow flurries today, and it’s 39F as I’m journaling right now. I guess our 2-week Fall season is over. This is kind of how I feel about my marriage. In fact, this is how I’m feeling now with my romantic relationships in general.
Seasons Change ~ Exposé
I always try to have a positive outlook towards life, and events that happen in my life. I always try to find the silver lining in every cloud. However, my life sucks right now! And this is after years and years of self-help that I’m adding the words ‘right now”, as in, it wasn’t always like this, and this will go away eventually. As to when that will happen? I have no idea.
I just feel like my world has been turned upside down, inside out. Most of the time, I don’t even know if I’m coming, or going. I pretend to the outside world that I’m happy and optimistic, and nothing can affect me for long. Truth is, I don’t sleep well, I’m constantly feeling tired. I have no idea where to go, or what to do after my divorce is final. In fact, I haven’t been working on my divorce process or sorting out my stuff at home and in my storage unit.
I’ve been living in denial all this time, finding things or people to distract me from what’s going on in my life, and at the same time, beating myself up for doing that. I’ve been following this 5-week series on healing from trauma and I’ve realized that being in denial is one of my learned survival responses to what’s going on in my life right now.
And the more I live in denial, the more shitty things happen to me to try and shake me back to reality. I’m so good at pretending to the outside world that I’m happy and got my shit together. I’m always happy when I talk with my mom on the phone because I don’t want her to worry about me. Then, there are times when I’m bawling my eyes out until I tell myself that I better stop or I’m going to end up with eye pain again constantly.
Fall is leaving and winter is arriving soon. Seasons change and our circumstances change constantly. My life sucks right now. My circumstances suck. I have no motivation or energy to go with the change that I can not change.
I have to start all over again. And with winter, comes seasonal affective depression that affects me as well. It’s becoming harder and harder for me to pretend these days that I’m okay. I’m not okay…
Seasons Change
~ Exposé
Some dreams are in the night time And some seem like yesterday But leaves turn brown and fade Ships sail away You long to say a thousand words But seasons change
It feels like it’s forever No reason for emptiness But time just runs away No more day by day You dream again it seems in vain When seasons change
I want you I want to feel you by my side I need you Don’t you know I need you baby
Seasons change feelings change It’s been so long since I found you Yet it seems like yesterday Seasons change people change I’ll sacrifice tomorrow Just to have you here today
Forever seems so far away There’s time for love and for play You dream about today Feeling slips away The winds that blow they go away And seasons change
I want you Don’t hide your feelings from inside I need you I’ve got to have your love now baby
Seasons change feelings change It’s been so long since I found you Yet it seems like yesterday Seasons change people change
I want you I want to feel you by my side I need you I’ve got to have your love now baby
Seasons change feelings change It’s been so long since I found you Yet it seems like yesterday Seasons change people change I’ll sacrifice tomorrow Just to have you here today Just to have you here today
Seasons change feelings change It’s been so long since I found you Yet it seems like yesterday Seasons change people change Change the season
I come from the loving space of my heart, and I know that love opens all doors.
I am willing to release the feeling of being unworthy. I am now becoming all that I am supposed to be.
Wednesday (10/05/22):
I am finding it more and more difficult to focus these days due to all the things that are going on in my life. I am also worried that I might start suffering from Seasonal Affective Depression again once the days get shorter and the nights longer.
I am giving myself permission to NOT push myself right now. My main focus is to get the divorce process going, clear out all my stuff, and figure out my next step in life once this is completed.
If I want to bawl my eyes out, it’s okay. If I want to swear and feel the anger & hurt while going through this divorce process, it’s okay. I don’t have to be perfect. I don’t have to always be the sweetest person on this earth. I am just human. I am imperfect. I can act out if I want to. I allow myself to feel all the emotions I am going through with this divorce process.
I Will Not Numb My Feelings, I Will Feel What I Feel And Slowly Process It Over Time, However Long It May Take.
Monday (10/24/22):
I started listening to a 7-Week program on Codependency Recovery and am learning a lot from it.
I no longer want to be a people pleaser or a perfectionist.
I want to just be myself and find someone that can accept me as I am, and I, the same for him. This is once we have both passed our dealbreakers criteria.
I am no longer going to work my ass off to seek approval or to be loved. I am lovable, just as I am.
If Someone Does Not Treat Me Right, Then Dump Them, And Block Them!
I accidentally sent out an email this morning with a grammar mistake. In the past, I’d be brooding over it for a long time. Now, I just figure, you what? My English is a lot better than at least 80% of people who were born in an English-speaking country. So, even if I make a mistake now and then, it’s still almost perfect!
This is my new life! I am accepting myself as I am. My life should be easy. My relationships should be easy. I will no longer accept relationships that suck my life force and drain my energy. If it’s too hard, then it’s not meant to be.
My Motto for this week is: My Life Is Easy. My Relationships Are Easy!
Thursday (10/27/22):
Powerball is at its second-highest payout in history now @ $800M. My friend and are each going to put in $50 to buy 50 tickets and split the winnings in half. Here’s to us winning the Jackpot! Woohoo! 😝🤞
In the song “No Matter What” by Calum Scott, he talks about his experience of coming out about his sexuality to his mom. This song has a very special meaning to me because of the struggles I am experiencing through my divorce process…
No Matter What ~ Calum Scott
I don’t know why but throughout my life, I’ve encountered people who are very critical of me.
When I was in dental school, there was a girl from Taiwan, Ms. M, that was also studying dentistry, a few years behind me. Their family always invited me over to their flat and she’ll often come over to my flat and chat with me as well. I’ve always wanted to have a younger sister since I’m the youngest in my family and I loved her as my baby sister.
After I decided to stop being a dentist, she told me one day that when she attended an alumni party and someone mentioned my quitting dentistry, she was too embarrassed to say that she knows me. I felt so hurt and betrayed when I heard that.
Firstly, why would her dental classmates even know about me? We never attended any classes together, and we’re not from the same school year. So, am I now famous in the entire dental school for quitting dentistry? How did people even know about that? I didn’t tell anyone except for my close friends.
When my professor at my acupuncture school found out that I used to be a dentist and am now studying to become an acupuncturist, he basically told me that I’m a “loser” for choosing to do so.
These harsh words have remained stuck with me for the rest of my life, and I often feel like no one has my back. I feel so embarrassed to tell people that I have three educational degrees but am not putting any one of them to good use. I often just end up telling people these days that I do nothing. I feel like “I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t”, since either way, they’ll still end up thinking that I’m a loser, so I might as well just declare myself a loser from the start and save everyone the trouble…
Even my poor dad, after all these years, still keeps all of my dental books, study notes, and anything related to my dental career at home. I’ve already told them a long time ago that I’m not going back and they can just throw everything away, but he still insists on keeping them, in case one day I change my mind.
It makes me feel so bad. I feel like I’ve let him down completely. Yet, he still tells me to this day that he is so proud of me and my achievements in life. What achievements? What do I have to show for besides a whole bunch of diplomas and certificates? And soon, I’ll have a new certificate, my divorce certificate…
I spoke with my mom this morning and she asked me how my online business is going. I told her that I’m writing articles, but it’s going so slowly. I intended on publishing one article at least every 3 days, but now I’m struggling to even publish one a week because I have to seriously start dealing with everything related to our divorce and physical separation now.
I was expecting some kind of encouragement from mom on how I can be more productive. Instead, she just said to me, “It’s Okay“. I was shocked to hear that. I’ve been so tough and unforgiving towards myself my entire life. I constantly criticize myself for not doing something perfectly as planned, and yet, here is my beloved mother just telling me that it’s okay. I told her last week that lately, I’ve been experiencing panic attacks when doing all the things required for my divorce. I guess she’s also trying to be as supportive as she can regarding my emotional struggles right now, and I appreciate that so much.
Once my divorce is final, it will just be another confirmation that I am a total failure in life. I am struggling so badly to come to terms with that. However, I am truly grateful to have such a loving family that will accept me exactly as I am, no matter what. My biggest obstacle right now is to accept myself exactly as I am, no matter what…
No Matter What
~ Songwriters: Toby Gad / Calum Scott
When I was a young boy I was scared of growing up I didn’t understand it but I was terrified of love Felt like I had to choose but it was outta my control I needed to be saved, I was going crazy on my own
It took me years to tell my mother, I expected the worst I gathered all the courage in the world
She said, “I love you no matter what I just want you to be happy and always be who you are” She wrapped her arms around me Said, “Don’t try to be what you’re not ‘Cause I love you no matter what” She loves me no matter what
I got a little older wishing all my time away Riding on the pavement, every sunny day was grey I trusted in my friends then all my world came crashing down I wish I never said a thing, ’cause to them I’m a stranger now
When I ran home I saw my mother, it was written on my face Felt like I had a heart of glass about to break
She said, “I love you no matter what I just want you to be happy and always be who you are” She wrapped her arms around me Said, “Don’t try to be what you’re not ‘Cause I love you no matter what” Yeah
Now I’m a man and I’m so much wiser I walk the earth with my head held higher I got the love that I need But I was still missing one special piece My father looked at me
He said, “I love you no matter what I just want you to be happy and always be who you are” He wrapped his arms around me Said, “Don’t try to be what you’re not ‘Cause I love you no matter what” He loves me no matter what And they love me no matter what
My life has been going through a complete downward spiral ever since my soon-to-be ex-husband asked for a divorce on 12/04/21, and then I found out about all the shady things he had been doing behind my back not long afterwards.
Battle Belongs ~ Phil Wickham
I am going through the worst existential crisis I’ve ever been through in my life, especially because he has started drinking, and drinking and driving again. I sacrificed my health, my work, and my emotional stability all just to get him to stop drinking, and now I’m questioning if I’ve wasted over 14 years of my life for Nothing???
I just told him a few days ago that it’s the complete sense of betrayal from the shady things he’s done since last year that’s affecting me the most, and that’s what I’ve been working on this entire year. Some days, I think that I’m almost over it, but then other days, I get triggered (especially when it comes to his drinking and our finances) and feel like I’m back to Day 1 of discovering what he has done to me.
I joined a Divorce Care group at the beginning of this year, which is founded by church organizations, and started wanting to understand more about Christianity, so I joined a MeetUp group at a local church with a weekly meetup introducing people to Christianity as well.
The entire MeetUp group series is based on “Mark’s Gospel” and I actually had a great time during the first meetup group. However, I glanced at their workbook and saw that getting a divorce is committing a sin. That once again threw me into the worst state of mind as I now feel that I’m screwed and damned for eternity. I messaged the pastor and told him that I’m going through a very difficult divorce right now and am unable to continue attending the meetup group as it’s too triggering being told constantly that I will be committing a sin by doing so.
All of the people at the church Meetup group seemed so “proper”, and most of them came with their significant other. After glancing through the workbook and seeing the part on divorce being a sin, I started to feel smaller and smaller…. What will they think of me if they find out that I’m getting divorced? Will all the wives now think that I’m a dangerous predator to their husbands?
I managed to push myself through the entire 13 weeks of Divorce Care group meetings but unsubscribed from the Divorce Care daily inspirational emails.
Now that I’m near my agreed-upon divorce deadline, and being forced into facing reality, I’m once again going through this existential crisis on a deeper level. What on earth did I accomplish during my over 14 years of marriage when I placed my main focus on him, on his drinking, and on my marriage??? He placed his only importance throughout our marriage on his work and his drinking, so nothing much is changing in his life, besides not having someone to do all the non-work-related things for him anymore. I, on the other hand, placed the sole importance on our marriage and getting him to stop drinking, and now I will have nothing left to show for the past 14 years of my life. I placed all my eggs in one basket, and now they’re all shattered…
Even when he wasn’t drinking, he was still a “dry drunk” as he never sought any help in sorting out his emotional issues, which was the main reason that he was drinking, to self-medicate. He was unhappy and emotionally unavailable all the time and I just kept on telling myself that I’ll just have to accept it, as long as he’s not drinking. And what good did that do? I had to shut down my own emotions as well so that I won’t feel so neglected and hurt by his unavailability on all levels.
I’ve just resubscribed to the Divorce Care daily inspirational emails a few days ago and am once again being forced to remember how the church speaks of getting divorced being a sin.
I’ve been following the Embrace Church which speaks of following Jesus, and Not church organizations; even if you’re not a Christian, even if you’re a sinner, which we are all. This is what their latest series on “Deconstruct” talks about. I’m keeping an open mind to understand more about the real Christianity, even if I’m a sinner, which we all are.
Some days, I really feel like I’m in a complete state of panic. I don’t even know the meaning of life anymore. I’m still trying to figure out the meaning of life. Will I ever figure that out? I’m trying to go easy on myself and just take it one day at a time now…
Battle Belongs
~ Songwriters: Brian Mark Johnson / Philip David Wickham
When all I see is the battle, You see my victory When all I see is the mountain, You see a mountain moved And as I walk through the shadow, Your love surrounds me There’s nothing to fear now for I am safe with You
So when I fight, I’ll fight on my knees With my hands lifted high Oh God, the battle belongs to You And every fear I lay at Your feet I’ll sing through the night Oh God, the battle belongs to You
And if You are for me, who can be against me? Yeah For Jesus, there’s nothing impossible for You When all I see are the ashes, You see the beauty Thank You God When all I see is a cross, God, You see the empty tomb
So when I fight, I’ll fight on my knees With my hands lifted high Oh God, the battle belongs to You And every fear I lay at Your feet I’ll sing through the night Oh God, the battle belongs to You
Almighty fortress, You go before us Nothing can stand against the power of our God You shine in the shadow, You win every battle Nothing can stand against the power of our God
An almighty fortress, You go before us Nothing can stand against the power of our God You shine in the shadow, You win every battle Nothing can stand against the power of our God
An almighty fortress, You go before us Nothing can stand against the power of our God You shine in the shadows, You win every battle Nothing can stand against the power of our God
So when I fight, I’ll fight on my knees With my hands lifted high Oh God, the battle belongs to You And every fear I lay at Your feet I’ll sing through the night Oh God, the battle belongs to You
I woke up in the middle of the night last night and saw a text from my soon-to-be ex-husband informing me that he has just been let go from his third-shift job, and HR will send him papers to fill out to continue with our current medical insurance on our own dime, which will be a lot more expensive than before.
Hero ~ Mariah Carey
I told him that this will be a good time for him to recuperate his health, and work on his emotional issues and his alcohol addiction. He then told me that he wants to move out and find a place of his own very soon.
We agreed to finalize our divorce towards the beginning of next year and then we’ll go our separate ways physically as well after that. We’ve been sleeping in separate rooms and living separate lives for over 3 years now, and I’ll always think of him as a family member, so I really don’t see the urgency for him to move out now, instead of after our divorce is final. I also reminded him that by doing so, he will be adding additional costs to staying at a different place, while his income will be decreasing substantially due to him losing this third-shift part-time job. It will be a double whammy.
He is clearly going through a mid-life crisis, which started a few years ago. When “normal” people go through a mid-life crisis and an existential crisis, such as myself, I go and dye my hair red, and sign up for community classes to go out and meet more people. Why couldn’t he just decide to shave his hair bald, and run another marathon (which he did after his ex-girlfriend of 9 years broke up with him before we met) instead of drinking and driving, and handing 6-digits to a total stranger, and getting himself into this huge debt for the next 5 years?
I told him that he has hurt me deeply by all the shady things he did behind my back last year and wished he could have just told me that he is miserable and wanted a divorce. I was feeling very unhappy and stuck in my marriage as well. If he just told me that he wanted a divorce, I would have agreed to it without any issues, and we would have just worked through the terms amicably. Why couldn’t he have just trusted me and shown me the respect to end our marriage the proper way? That’s what I have been working on this year, the extreme sense of betrayal I feel from the way he handled this entire process.
It’s like he just has to create complete chaos in his life because he’s trying to change how miserable he feels inside, yet failing to recognize that this chaos he’s creating is actually making him feel even more miserable in life. And the only way for him to start feeling better about his life is to work on his thoughts and emotions. They say that “You create your own reality”, and he is creating a reality that is heading towards even more misery while dragging me through the mud with him as collateral damage.
He also told me that I need to get the divorce process started. Since he already got what he wanted, the 6-digits to give to another woman, and we’ve already agreed on the divorce terms, things are back to “normal” ~ as in I do all the legwork and all he has to do is sign on the dotted line. That’s how things have been for the past 14 years, especially since he knows that I am a perfectionist and very trustworthy, so I always do all the legwork and all he has to do is sign. Most of the time, he doesn’t even look at the papers, and will just sign, but now and then, he’ll do an “audit” and actually look at my paperwork before he signs it. I guess I should be happy that he at least knows that I’m not going to do anything shady or harmful to him?
I told him to let’s set a deadline because it’s difficult to get things moving along without a deadline. Now that we have a deadline, I can start to plan accordingly. I just recently spoke to my therapist about this, that I haven’t been getting things going, and one of my “homework” is to look into the process of getting a divorce in MN and draw up a weekly to-do list for it.
I can feel that I have a mental block regarding this, and that’s why I’ve been placing it on the back burner all this time. I’ve been dedicating all of my time to writing articles for my online business and now I have to slow that down and start dedicating my time to filing our divorce papers, purging our stuff, cleaning out our storage unit, and finding places for the both of us once our divorce is final towards the beginning of next year. So, basically, everything is back, as usual, ~ he works, and I do everything else. But I figure, I’ve been doing that for over 14 years of our marriage now, so might as well just do the same towards the end and also use this opportunity to memorialize the good times that we’ve had together throughout our marriage.
I always like to end things on a good note. It consumes too much energy having to hold on to anger and resentment, so I would rather end our marriage knowing that everything has been taken care of on both ends. I have recognized though, that I am powerless when it comes to his drinking, and all I can do is pray that he will come to his senses and decide to do that on his own.
This song, “Hero” by Mariah Carey, empowers me to find the strength within me during this really difficult time in my life.
Hero
~ Songwriters: Mariah Carey / Walter Afanasieff
There’s a hero If you look inside your heart You don’t have to be afraid Of what you are There’s an answer If you reach into your soul And the sorrow that you know Will melt away
And then a hero comes along With the strength to carry on And you cast your fears aside And you know you can survive So when you feel like hope is gone Look inside you and be strong And you’ll finally see the truth That a hero lies in you
It’s a long road When you face the world alone No one reaches out a hand For you to hold You can find love If you search within yourself And that emptiness you felt Will disappear
And then a hero comes along With the strength to carry on And you cast your fears aside And you know you can survive So when you feel like hope is gone Look inside you and be strong And you’ll finally see the truth That a hero lies in you, oh, oh
Lord knows Dreams are hard to follow But don’t let anyone Tear them away, hey yeah Hold on There will be tomorrow In time you’ll find the way
And then a hero comes along With the strength to carry on And you cast your fears aside And you know you can survive So when you feel like hope is gone Look inside you and be strong And you’ll finally see the truth That a hero lies in you That a hero lies in you Mmm, that a hero lies in you
My ex-boyfriend texted me yesterday with a photo of a fridge and asked if I remember about it? He’s the man I consider to be my soulmate, the one I was in a long-term committed relationship with before I met my soon-to-be ex-husband.
Friends Forever (Graduation) ~ Vitamin C
We both share a lot in common and always have so many things to talk about. He’s also very protective of me and always wants to make me laugh. We both met in school 22 years ago almost to this date. We clicked instantly as if we’ve known each other for many lifetimes. We were both staying at the dormitory and were together all the time.
I’m accident-prone and often bump into things. He’d get so angry at the objects I bumped into and swear at them and kick them. 😝 We made many friends at school and often hung out together. We never seemed to run out of fun things to do or talk about. One night, he told me to jump on his back and gave me a piggyback ride around campus. The security guards saw us and thought that we were an adorable couple. 🥰
Another time, I bumped my leg against the bedstand (which I still do, up to this day 🙄) and he got so mad at the bedstand and started kicking it and scolding it. He saw me laughing and decided to hit his forehead against the wall, which made me laugh even harder! 🤣
After a few months of dating, we decided to move into a place of our own and start our lives together. We made love at least once every single day since the beginning for the first year and when it went down to three to four times a week, I actually got worried that our relationship may not be as strong as it used to be. I consider lovemaking a very important aspect of a relationship, as it’s the ultimate union of two souls ~ in the mind, body, and spirit.
He couldn’t stand to be away from me and told me that whenever we’re not together, he misses me so much and can’t wait to come home and be with me.
You’ve probably heard about the joke asking how many lawyers (or blondes) it takes to change a lightbulb, right? Well, my ex told me from the beginning that he does not want me to change any lightbulbs because he’s afraid that I might fall when standing on a stool to change a lightbulb.
I also remember us getting into an argument once and I got so mad I drove off. I didn’t know how to fill up gas at a gas station because there were no self-service gas stations in South Africa back then. I actually had to ask someone who was pumping gas how to pop open my gas cap, and how to pump gas. My ex was relieved when I finally came home and when I told him that I filled up my own gas, he was so happy and grateful. He thanked me for learning how to pump my own gas so that he won’t have to worry that I might run out of gas while driving on my own one of these days. 😛
There was another time when I almost passed out while showering because I wasn’t feeling well. I told him about it after he came home. Ever since then, he would go and check on me if he felt that I was in the bathroom for too long.
He’s really very caring and protective towards me. The downside of this though is him being too possessive and controlling as well. He also gets angry easily and was not able to control his anger at times, which has hurt me deeply, up to this day…
He also has road rage and sometimes would scare the heck out of me because I have no idea that he’s decided to race really quickly to the car that cut him off and hit the brakes at the very last second. I just thought that he lost control and we were going to crash. This often triggered my fear response and sends me into a state of panic.
I think his anger issues and possessiveness were one of the main reasons that caused us to grow apart. He called me and texted me all the time every single day, which I appreciated since I loved talking to him. But there were phases when he was going a bit overboard like when I already told him that I’m having lunch with my friends and he’ll intentionally call me at that time and wanted me to have a long conversation with him so that everyone will know that I have a boyfriend.
There is a fine line between caring and overcaring, and sometimes it’s so hard to find that balance. I think that’s what we’re all striving for in our lives, to find the right balance in everything that we do.
We’ve been keeping in constant contact all this time, sometimes more often than others. He has kept everything of mine, most of which I don’t even remember, and he’ll text me a photo of something of mine, or of me, that he just saw and reminisce about the past.
After we decided to just be friends, he still wanted to be intimate with me but I didn’t give in to my desires, the main reason being that I wanted us to be friends forever. I knew that if we still had intimacy and crossed that line, then things will get confusing between us and we won’t be able to remain friends. It is so important for me to have him as my friend for the rest of our lives since there is such a strong bond between us.
We’ve been through some tough times and arguments throughout all this time, but we both know that we will always be there for each other in our times of need. I’d been telling him ever since my ex-husband’s company went under in Sept 2019 that we may be moving back to SoCal and he has been very supportive of our move all this time. He just asked me recently if I’m moving back to LA and I told him not yet.
I’m very appreciative and grateful that I still have him as a good friend in my life, who will always welcome me back with open arms if I decide to move back to SoCal after my divorce is finalized.
Friends Forever… 🤗
Friends Forever (Graduation)
~ Vitamin C
And so we talked all night about the rest of our lives Where we’re gonna be when we turn 25 I keep thinking times will never change Keep on thinking things will always be the same (Same)
But when we leave this year, we won’t be coming back No more hanging out ’cause we’re on a different track And if you got something that you need to say You better say it right now ‘Cause you don’t have another day
‘Cause we’re moving on, and we can’t slow down These memories are playing like a film without sound And I keep thinking of that night in June I didn’t know much of love, but it came too soon (Too soon)
And there was me and you, and then it got real blue Stay at home talkin’ on the telephone And we would get so excited, and we’d get so scared Laughing at ourselves thinking life’s not fair And this is how it feels
As we go on, we remember All the times we had together And as our lives change, come whatever We will still be friends forever
So if we get the big jobs, and we make the big money When we look back now, will that joke still be funny? Will we still remember everything we learned in school? Still be trying to break every single rule
Will little brainy Bobby be the stockbroker man? Can Heather find a job that won’t interfere with her tan? I keep, keep thinking that it’s not goodbye Keep on thinking it’s a time to fly (Ooh ooh ooh) And this is how it feels
As we go on, we remember All the times we had together And as our lives change, come whatever We will still be friends forever
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Yeah, yeah, yeah La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la (We will still be friends forever)
Will we think about tomorrow like we think about now? Can we survive it out there? Can we make it somehow? I guess I thought that this would never end And suddenly it’s like we’re women and men
Will the past be a shadow that will follow us ’round? Will these memories fade when I leave this town? I keep, keep thinking that it’s not goodbye (It’s not goodbye) Keep on thinking it’s a time to fly
As we go on, we remember (We remember) All the times we had together And as our lives change, come whatever (Come whatever) We will still be friends forever (Always)
As we go on, we remember (As we go on) All the times we had together (Yeah) And as our lives change, come whatever (Come whatever) We will still be, friends forever
As we go on, we remember (Oh, yes, we remember) All the times we had together And as our lives change, come whatever We will still be friends forever (Always remember)
I embrace my past and am thankful for the lessons I have learned.
I let go of my fears, anxieties, and negative thoughts.
I trust my gut and follow my heart and intuition.
Saturday (09/03/22):
It’s September now, can you believe that? In less than four months, 2022 will be over.
I’ve been experiencing writer’s block lately, probably because I feel emotionally blocked as well.
I’m still going through two long training programs to build my affiliate marketing website mindbodylist.com and because I got hasty and skipped many lessons, I just realized that I didn’t do a lot of things the “best” way. So now I have to redo them again, sigh…
It’s important that I do everything correctly though, in terms of SEO optimization, and not violating Amazon’s terms of service. Otherwise, I’ll get banned from Amazon as being an affiliate and I definitely don’t want that.
I also have to go back and watch a whole bunch of training videos that I skipped so that I don’t discover later on down the road that I did something wrong again. Haste makes waste! 😢
I’m currently writing articles on crystals and am supposed to write 100 articles on them. Are you kidding me????? Every crystal I write about seems to all be the same now. I’m not even sure what I’m writing about anymore…
I was halfway through a journal entry but decided not to continue writing that journal entry either…
Sunday (09/04/22):
I pushed through my mental blocks and published my 5th article just now on mindbodylist.com. Woohoo! 😃
Wednesday (09/07/22):
Yay! I got my very first commission sales from MindBodyList.com thanks to my dear friend, Mr. G! I have to get at least two more sales recorded before Amazon will officially accept my account’s validity permanently.
I asked some of my friends on Sunday to please click on my product recommendations if they need to order anything from Amazon. Mr. G did it right away, even though he didn’t need to order anything from Amazon.
Getting the first commission sales from Amazon within a limited time period is very important. Otherwise, my account will get closed, I’ll have to reapply and change every single link for my products to my new account. So far, I’ve only written 5 articles, but that’s already 165 links and it’s very time-consuming, not to mention, discouraging…
Getting this first commission sale recognition from Amazon has now given me the strength and courage to continue writing more articles (which are kind of overtaxing on my brain right now) on my website.
Thank you so much, Mr. G! You’re such a good friend! 😃
I heard this song at the gym a few days ago. I love the beat to this song. 💓 I am finally getting a grip on publishing articles on MindBodySpirit.com. My goal is to publish at least 3 SEO-optimized articles per week and then increase it to 4 by the end of September 2022. Woohoo! 😃
Beautiful Girls ~ Sean Kingston
Beautiful Girls
~ Sean Kingston
You’re way too beautiful girl That’s why it’ll never work You’ll have me suicidal, suicidal When you say it’s over Damn all these beautiful girls They only wanna do you dirt They’ll have you suicidal, suicidal When they say it’s over
See it started at the park Used to chill after dark Oh when you took my heart That’s when we fell apart
‘Cause we both thought That love last forever (last forever) They say we too young To get ourselves sprung
Oh we didn’t care We made it very clear And they also said That we couldn’t last together (last together)
See it’s very defined You’re one of a kind But you mash up my mind You haffi get declined Oh Lord My baby is driving me crazy
You’re way too beautiful girl That’s why it’ll never work You’ll have me suicidal, suicidal When you say it’s over Damn all these beautiful girls They only wanna do you dirt They’ll have you suicidal, suicidal When they say it’s over
It was back in ’99 Watching movies all the time Oh when I went away For doing my first crime
And I never thought That we was gonna see each other (see each other) And then I came out Mommy moved me down South
Oh I’m with my girl Who I thought was my world It came out to be That she wasn’t the girl for me (girl for me)
See it’s very defined You’re one of a kind But you mash up my mind You haffi get declined Oh Lord My baby is driving me crazy
You’re way too beautiful girl That’s why it’ll never work You’ll have me suicidal, suicidal When you say it’s over Damn all these beautiful girls They only wanna do you dirt They’ll have you suicidal, suicidal When they say it’s over
Now we’re fussing And now we’re fighting Please tell me why I am feeling slighted And I don’t know How to make it better (make it better)
You’re dating other guys You’re telling me lies Oh I can’t believe What I’m seeing with my eyes I’m losing my mind And I don’t think it’s clever (think it’s clever)
You’re way too beautiful girl That’s why it’ll never work You’ll have me suicidal, suicidal When you say it’s over Damn all these beautiful girls They only wanna do you dirt They’ll have you suicidal, suicidal, suicidal, suicidal
I practice patience, understanding, and compassion with others as well as myself.
I believe everything works out for the best.
I aspire to live a life that has meaning to me.
I look forward to the future and my role in it.
I live in the moment while learning from the past and preparing for the future.
Wednesday (08/03/22):
My sinuses have been acting up again. Got brain fog, feel so tired, and can’t think straight. 😥
Friday (08/12/22):
After months of learning how to set up an SEO-optimized website that will appease “Google God”, and at the same time is human-readable, I’ve finally finished writing my very first article on mindbodylist.com.
If Google is not happy with my website and my content, then she’ll place my article on page 100 and beyond, which will never be read by anyone.
“Location, Location, Location”, just as the location of the actual store is so important for a business, so is the “location” on the internet. You have to get onto Google page 1 for any keyword search term, in order for readers to know that you even exist on the internet.
The name of the game is to get my article on Google page 1 when someone does research for the keyword that I’m targeting.
Then, to get the reader to click on one of my recommendations to Amazon and I will earn a commission for anything (the pricier the better) the reader buys on Amazon for the next 24 hours.
I followed what I learned (still a long way to go though) from 3 training programs for affiliate marketing authority websites to create a website that is fast and optimized for SEO (Search Engine Optimization).
It’s still far from being perfect, but I’m finally starting to overcome my fear of not being perfect. Not being perfect has stopped me from doing so many things in life.
Not being perfect is still 100% better than not starting because I’m afraid that it’s not perfect. I’ll continue to tweak it as I go.
I am still not 100% happy with the way the images look, especially since they are not uniform throughout the entire article. However, something is better than nothing. I’ll have to figure something out later on.
Now, I just need to continue to go through the training programs, and product SEO-optimized content articles (and images) and give it time for the seed to grow, as it will still take time before Google will even pick my website up on the radar.
Perseverance, and not perfection, is the key to success. I’m going to continue doing this, and I’m actually enjoying it along the way! 😃
Saturday (08/20/20):
I need to accrue 50 CEU’s (50 hours of Continuing Education Units) in order to renew my California Acupuncture License which expires on 04/30/23.
I’ve signed up for 8 CEU’s this morning and am watching the live webinar right now.
I don’t really have anyone to talk to regarding my issues with my ex-husband, besides my mom and my therapist. Most of the other people I talk to are men who are interested in me, so they’re not interested in hearing anything about the issues I have with my ex-husband. I also don’t feel like telling people in my daily life about my ex-husband either. I’ve learned in the past few months to just journal my thoughts and share them with whomever is out there that happens to land on my blog. That’s probably how I’ll be living for the rest of my life as well, speaking to myself, and journaling my happiness and sorrows on my blog…
Up All Night ~ Charlie Puth
After our first date, my ex-husband called me the very next day and told me that he wants me to be his girlfriend. We had a fun day together, which extended to the wee hours of the night as well. He emailed me, texted me, and called me every day. He celebrated our anniversary every month.
He asked me to go with him on his skiing trip to June mountain but I had already booked my flight to go back to Taiwan and visit my family for a month. He called me daily when I was in Taiwan and we had very good conversations.
He had been in a very good mood lately since the company he was working for was doing very well and he was receiving recognition for his success. He called me when he was driving back to Oak Park from his skiing trip in June mountain. He sounded almost grandiose on the phone. He was telling me intimate acts of what he’ll do to me and we were just having a sexy fun time on the phone.
But then, he told me that he has to hang up now because the police car behind him has signaled him to pull over. He said that he’ll call me back afterwards. I waited all night but he never did. He eventually called me back perhaps a day or two later. I can’t remember exactly now especially because of the time differences between California and Taiwan. He said that he got arrested for driving under the influence (DUI). I felt so guilty when I heard that. If only I was there with him, then it wouldn’t have happened, was what I thought to myself… This was the beginning of the demise of our relationship.
Before this incident, he was fun, joyful, and loving toward me. We had wonderful conversations on the phone every night. We were talking on the phone one night after I came back to California and he told me that he feels emotionally drained now and he would like for me to take charge some of the time, as in thinking of places where we can go and things that we can do, etc. We also started discussing what to do now regarding his (second) DUI. His driver’s license will be revoked for a year. He has to pay a huge fine and monthly probation fees. He also has to attend DUI classes in Santa Barbara.
My father has always taken care of us, to the point of being controlling. Regardless, I didn’t have to plan or worry about anything. I’m also the youngest child in the family, so I’m used to being pampered and taken care of. But now, my boyfriend is going through a huge crisis, and he has asked me to help him take care of matters. So, I decided to grow up, and place all the responsibilities on my shoulders, especially since I feel guilty for not going with him on his skiing trip, and thus not being able to prevent him from being arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol.
He texted me one night in 2010 to say that he was leaving work to come home. He always texts me when he leaves work so I’ll know when to expect him, even up to this day. He also started texting me his daily driving routes ever since he started working as an independent contractor so that I can calculate his daily mileage for tax deduction purposes. It usually takes less than an hour for him to arrive home, but he never did. I frantically waited and waited for hours and stayed up all night not knowing where he could be. I called my mom and told her I don’t know what has happened to him, and I don’t know what to do. I told mom that he has been drinking and driving a lot lately and I’m wondering if he got arrested again for driving under the influence.
I decided to try my luck and see if our county jail has booking records online and to call all the hospitals in Ventura County to see if he was in one of them. We were living in Westlake Village at the time, which is at the border of Los Angeles County and Ventura County, so I was worried that he might have been brought to a hospital in LA County instead if he got injured in an accident. I think it was around 1 am or 2 am when I searched the Ventura county jail inmate search and saw that he has just been booked in jail for driving under the influence.
Things were already bad between us and we were thinking of getting a divorce, but now how can I possibly leave him when he is once again in trouble, and this time in huge trouble, because it’s his third DUI? He has to go to jail besides all the other fines and probation and DUI classes, not to mention the drastic increase in our car insurance rates, especially since he is driving a fancy sports car. Then, he started to get ill, and the doctor found that he has a brain tumor (thank goodness we found out years later, at the Mayo Clinic in MN, that it was a developmental anomaly, and not a pituitary microadenoma), so that was the end of our talks about getting divorced. I decided that I will stay with him and help him through this even more difficult time in his life.
That was the only phase in my life where I, “Miss Goody Two Shoes” was inside a jail. I went to visit him whenever they had visiting hours and had to wait a long time before I could go inside. I spoke to him on the phone every day and encouraged him to just relax and take it easy while inside the jail. The charges for placing a reverse call inside a jail are ridiculously high, but I knew that was the only time he had any communication with the outside world, and I treasured being able to speak with him daily as well. I sent him greeting cards, coloring pencils, money, and whatever fun things I could think of to help him past the time in jail. He actually drew many beautiful drawings of me while he was in jail and showed them to me behind the glass window when I went to visit him.
I found out afterwards that he was drinking at his buddy’s place in Santa Barbara that night, and he calculated it so that the timing will be correct to text me when he said that he was leaving work. He also told me earlier that he was going to work until later that night. Addiction is such a horrid monster. This successful, intelligent, hard-working medical device engineer turns into a liar, cheater, and irresponsible person because he is unable to overcome his addiction to alcohol. And it’s not just the physiological component, it’s the psychological component that’s the worse. The games he plays, and the lies he tells, are all because of his addiction to alcohol.
When he’s in an active addictive phase, he turns into a completely different person. I remember there was a phase back in around 2012 when he was once again going through an active addiction phase. We were sleeping in separate rooms at the time due to constant arguments regarding his drinking. We got into a verbal altercation (regarding his drinking) which turned so bad that I actually feared for my life. I locked my bedroom door and put a kitchen knife under the pillow because I was scared that he might break down the door when I’m asleep and kill me. He went through a phase of threats of death, mostly of himself, but sometimes indirectly referring to me as well. I went through a few years of marriage just accepting it one day at a time and wondering if today will be my last day on earth. I can understand though why sometimes he gets so mad at me when it comes to his drinking. I once poured his over $1000 bottle of spirit down the drain because I felt that the damage outweighed the benefits for him to put that into his body.
I try to block these traumatic incidents from my mind, but they still come up to the surface at times.
He texted me at 5.14 pm this afternoon to say that he was heading home. It usually takes him around an hour to get home. He texted me at 5.41 pm to say that there was “Traffic on 694”. I got home at 6.42 pm and he still was not home.
Once again, I was worried if he was drinking and driving and either got pulled over, booked in jail, or is in the hospital, or worse, the morgue. My mind started racing frantically since he wasn’t answering any of my calls or my texts. I can understand that he’s being careful now after being pulled over for talking on the phone while driving, but he only eventually got home after 3.5 hours.
I asked him what happened and he just said that he was on the phone with a client. I asked him why didn’t he call me back or text me back. He just replied, “It doesn’t matter”. And this is not the first time something like this has happened this year, especially now that I’m aware that he’s drinking (and driving) again.
I’ve been in this constantly traumatized, hypervigilant, waiting for the other shoe to drop mode ever since he got arrested for driving under the influence while driving home from June mountain, which was over 14 years ago. He doesn’t even have the consideration and respect to text me back and let me know that he’s okay. I don’t want to go through another DUI with him again. This has taken a complete toll on my mind and my body and I’m still going through this fear and trauma daily.
I told him last night that if he’s going to act like “the boy who cried wolf”, then the next time he doesn’t come home, I won’t be looking for him.
I am done with uncaring, inconsiderate men who expect me to be there for them all the time but do not care for my feelings.
Up All Night
~ Songwriters: Bonnie Mckee / Charlie Puth / Giorgio Hesdey Tuinfort / Thomas Troelsen
Well I get the thrill run down my spine When I see you hitting me up Feeling so electrified With the heat of a million suns You know just one touch can keep me high And I think I’ll never come down ‘Til a couple days go by And you’re nowhere to be found
Up all night Up all night All the things that you said to me yesterday Playing over in my mind It’s a crime It’s a crime How you’re reeling me in with the games you play Then you hang me out to dry
So I try to shake you out my head Try to dance with somebody new But you got those lips so red And that smoking voice, you do So I know it’s pointless anyway ‘Cause there ain’t nobody else That could light me up so bright And break this crazy spell
Up all night Up all night All the things that you said to me yesterday Playing over in my mind It’s a crime It’s a crime How you’re reeling me in with the games you play Then you hang me out to dry
If I wait a little longer Then maybe you’ll come back around Wait a little longer Then maybe you’ll be ready now ‘Cause I would wait forever For you to fall back into my arms So come on
Up all night Up all night All the things that you said to me yesterday Playing over in my mind It’s a crime It’s a crime How you’re reeling me in with the games you play Then you hang me out to dry Up all night Up all night All the things that you said to me yesterday Playing over in my mind It’s a crime It’s a crime How you’re reeling me in with the games you play Then you hang me out to dry How you’re reeling me in with the games you play Then you hang me out to dry
