🌺 Journal

I feel that this song “Already Gone” by Kelly Clarkson may reflect how my ex-husband feels and decided to act towards our relationship. Even though he has hurt me tremendously especially with the way he handled it, but I feel that he still had some good intentions behind it. 🙏

When he asked for the divorce on 12/04/21, he said something that stuck with me. He asked me, “You’ll never ask for a divorce, right?”. I told him “Yes”. I think he realized at some point that he had to be the “bad” person to initiate the divorce, in order for us to end our unhappy marriage. He also told me that he has finally resolved his feelings towards our relationship. I wasn’t even aware that he was upset of our almost “non-existent” relationship, until he said that…

He became less and less emotional towards me as the years passed by. However, there were moments when he still showed that he loved and cared for me a lot…

In 2010 in California, after coming home from a delicious seafood dinner, we laid in bed next to each other watching some funny reality tv show together. I started getting bad stomach pains and felt sick. My ex-husband turned on the lights and saw that my face was swollen like Will Smith in the movie “Hitch”. I started to have some difficulty in breathing as my throat was starting to swell up. He was panicking and frantically drove me to the closest ER. I was praying and hoping that we won’t get into a car accident, because he was driving so fast, and thus delay my treatment, as I was going into anaphylaxis from severe allergic reaction to the seafood that I ate. Thankfully, we arrived in one piece. 🙏

There was a long waiting line at the ER but as soon as the staff at check-in saw my completely swollen face, he told me to go inside immediately. That’s how bad the condition I was in…

There was a long waiting line inside the ER room as well, and they had to just put me on a stretcher, start an IV line, and inject epinephrine into my system as that is the first line of treatment for anaphylaxis. My face turned red right away and I started to breathe with even greater difficulty. My ex started to panic again and started to yell at the hospital staff, asking why they’re not seeing me right away? Once again, I’m thinking to myself that it’s probably not the best idea to be yelling at people who have the power to decide whether I shall live or die??? 🤔 Nonetheless, I understood that he did it out of grave concern for my life and appreciated him for his effort.

I was having constant abdominal pain in 2015. I believe now that I was suffering from chronic appendicitis. My ex was going to attend a Medical Device Convention in San Diego in November and decided to take a week off so that we can also spend some leisure time there as well.

I once again had pretty bad abdominal pain on 10/26/15, less than two weeks prior to our departure. I called him to let him know and he asked me to go and see a doctor right away. I called my health clinic to schedule a same day appointment and they transferred me to a triage nurse to determine how serious my condition was. The triage nurse told me that I have to go to the urgent care clinic immediately, so my ex-husband came home and took me to the urgent care clinic in Plymouth. They determined that I had to go to the ER unit instead, which was thankfully, in the same building. The ER physician suspected that I had acute appendicitis and wanted me to have an abdominal CT scan to rule it out. Just my luck, their CT scan machine broke down so they had to arrange for me to go to the ER in Maple Grove instead. The CT scan showed that I had acute appendicitis and they told me that I had to go into surgery immediately.

When I came to in the recovery room, I saw that my ex had already bought me an adorable stuffed animal. I also found out that he sat outside my operating room the entire time I was having surgery. He informed his workplace that he will be taking time off and slept on the sofa couch in my recovery room for the night. He bought me a cane and helped me with my recovery by taking me out every day after work, since I wasn’t well enough to drive and he knew that I was not the kind of person that could stay at home for the entire day. We also had to cancel the trip to San Diego as I was still experiencing a lot of pain from the operation and was not feeling well enough to fly.

We stayed at a beautiful lakefront home in Orono, Minnesota back in 2017. I just checked my previous Facebook profile that got hacked (and I still can’t gain access back to it) now. This was what I posted on that Facebook profile back on March 12th, 2017:

We had a major blizzard around the same time last year, on the day that I was scheduled to go do our taxes. If I remember correctly, there were probably 11 inches of snow and I ended up driving over a traffic island since everything was just completely covered in snow. The next morning, hubby called me and basically told me that I am banned from leaving the house. I got so upset I eventually hung up on him. He called me again at noon and said “Hey, it’s warmer now since the sun is out”. I asked him “Does that mean I am no longer banned from leaving the house?”. He said “Yes!”, hehehe

So it’s like Groundhog Day again since we’re going to see our tax preparer this afternoon and there’s a blizzard from 1pm CT to Monday afternoon at 4pm CT. While driving this afternoon, I reminded hubby of what happened last year when I went to see our tax preparer. He decided to take a pre-emptive strike this time and told me before the blizzard even started that I am banned from leaving the house tomorrow. I asked hubby, do you remember what happened last year? Are we really gonna have to go through this again? Where I’m going to get upset and and then you’ll call me during lunch time tomorrow and tell me that the sun is out so my ban has been lifted? He said, “That’s right!”

Then he decided to get clever and told me that he’s going to splash water all over my car doors so that they will get frozen shut (since it’s 19F) and I won’t be able to drive anywhere. hahaha! Gotta say, hubby’s really creative!

Hahaha, reading that post now just brings a smile back to my face! 😄

On 01/13/22, I experienced excruciating stomach pains, passed out, had a concussion, and vomited all over. Thankfully, my ex-husband was there and quickly turned my head to the side. Otherwise, I would have choked on my own vomit and died.

When I slowly regained consciousness, I realized that he had already put me on the bed and was acting so distraught. He was so tender and loving towards me, which was something I had not experienced for a very very long time. I asked him what happened to me? When he realized that I’ve regained my consciousness and could talk again, he went back to his usual self and coldly told me that I passed out. He said that I vomited all over and asked what I ate for dinner? He was back to his usual old self again. However, I will always treasure those few seconds of experiencing his tenderness and loving care towards me before he realized that I had regained my consciousness fully. I don’t think he knows that I was aware of how tender and loving he was towards me for those few seconds before I asked him what happened to me.

He took me to the ER in the morning and then to my neurologist (it just so happened that I was scheduled to see my neurologist on that same day because I passed out a few weeks ago at my chiropractor’s office). He tried to convince my neurologist to legally stop me from driving until they find out what caused me to lose consciousness (which could take months), and got upset when she told him that she’s unable to do that (whereas in CA, they could). He knows that I am a law-abiding citizen, so if I’m legally banned from driving, then I will have no choice but to obey it. However, if he requested it, then I might comply with him now and then, but not all the time. I do appreciate his efforts especially since we’re already getting divorced, and he’s well aware that he will have to drive me around every day if I’m not allowed to drive.

We both have strong personalities and have had constant power struggles throughout our marriage. He told me a few years ago that we are both intelligent people, and he believes that there must be a way for us to make this marriage work.

However, too many stressful events happened one after another in the past few years, which I think finally broke down both of our will and strength to fight for anything anymore. I think the most significant one for him was the demise of the company that he worked for since 2006 and was so close to having their stocks go public, our road to riches. The most significant one for me was my sister’s suicidal attempts, which finally led to the heartbreaking decision of placing her in a psychiatric institution for life…

A friend asked me a few days ago if I still wanted to have children since I don’t have any. I told him that I don’t. The main reason being that I want to dedicate my time to taking care of sister, for my parents’ sake, and for my own sake, because I love her so much. The other reason being that if my child falls ill, like my sister does, then I don’t know if I will have the strength of my mother to take care of my sick child for the rest of his/her life, or if I will just have a complete breakdown myself?

They say that you can create your own reality. But sometimes, circumstances are so tough, that I’m not even sure about that anymore… I have so many mixed emotions, I don’t know how to feel anymore…

Already Gone

~ Songwriters: Kelly Brianne Clarkson / Ryan B Tedder

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they’re haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even without fists held high
It never would’ve worked out right
We were never meant for do or die

I didn’t want us to burn out
I, I didn’t come here to hurt you now
I can’t stop

I want you to know
That it doesn’t matter
Where we take this road
But someone’s gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn’t have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I’m already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you’ll find another
That doesn’t always make you wanna cry
It started with a perfect kiss
Then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn’t keep this love alive

You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know
That it doesn’t matter
Where we take this road
But someone’s gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn’t have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I’m already gone

So I’m already gone

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they’re haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

I want you to know
That it doesn’t matter
Where we take this road
But someone’s gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn’t have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I’m already gone

I’m already gone

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they’re haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

Lately, I’ve been noticing a shift in my mindset regarding my divorce. I have been feeling like a bird trapped inside a cage for many years now. After my ex-husband asked for a divorce in December last year, I slowly started to feel that the lock to my cage door has finally been removed. However, even though I feel miserable being trapped, but I also feel a sense of familiarity inside my little cage. It’s my Home, after all…

For the past few months, I’ve been opening the cage door and going outside to play for a while. But then before the sun sets, I’ll fly back into my cage and close the door behind me again… Lately, I’ve been treading farther and farther to other places to play, but I still come back to my cage before the end of each day and close the door behind me. This is what I have been familiar with, for the past 14 years. As trapped as it makes me feel, at the same time, I feel safe…

However, I’ve been starting to have a paradigm shift recently. Yes, it’s a wild world out there, filled with a lot of dangers, but at the same time, a lot of fun adventures. Maybe I’ll be ok on my own out there? It’s nice to have companionship. However, if it’s not with the right person, and we’re not compatible, then it’s actually better to just be on my own.

When he asked for the divorce, after getting caught for secretly drinking again for the past year (I wasn’t aware of the other woman, and the monies that he secretly withdrew from our bank accounts until later on), he also mentioned that it’s because we’re too different. He doesn’t think that we’ll be able to change for one another and he doesn’t want us to continue being unhappy for the rest of our lives. We both tried, but I think after 14 years, it is reasonable to say that what he has said is true. ..

My ex-husband has done many hurtful things to me, especially in the past year. However, thankfully, he still cared enough to make sure that I will be taken care of once our divorce is final so that I’ll be okay on my own. It’s a wild world and there are a lot of bad out there, but I am slowly starting to feel that I will be okay being on my own. Perhaps, I can make a lot of nice friends out there? 🌹

It’s a Wild World

~ Cat Stevens

La la la
La la la
La la la

Now that I’ve lost everything to you
You say you want to start something new
And it’s breaking my heart you’re leaving
Baby I’m greaving

But if you want to leave take good care
Hope you have a lot of nice things to wear
But then a lot of nice things turn bad out there

Oh baby baby it’s a wild world
It’s hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh baby baby it’s a wild world
I’ll always remember you like a child girl

You know I’ve seen a lot of what the world can do
And it’s breaking my heart in two
‘Cause I never want to see you sad girl
Don’t be a bad girl

But if you want leave take good care
Hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there’s a lot of bad everywhere

Oh baby baby it’s a wild world
It’s hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh baby baby it’s a wild world
And I’ll always remember you like a child girl yeah

La la la
La la la
Baby I love you, but if you want to leave take good care
Hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there’s a lot of bad everywhere

Oh baby baby it’s a wild world
It’s hard to get by just just upon a smile
Yeah yeah yeah
Oh baby baby it’s a wild world
And I’ll always remember you like a child girl oh yeah

Oh baby baby it’s a wild world
It’s hard to get by just upon a smile
Yeah
Oh baby baby it’s a wild world
And I’ll always remember you like a child girl

I had my Court Zoom meeting yesterday afternoon. I’m glad my ex-husband showed up early, even earlier than I did.

We both got checked in online into another Zoom meeting room and waited a few minutes for the prosecutor to arrive. This is one instance that reminds me of certain similarities that my ex and I share. Since the meeting is being recorded, both of us knew not to say anything. When it comes to the legal system, the less you disclose, the better. Do not speak unless you are being asked to answer, as anything you say may be used against you. We did not speak one word to each other while waiting for the prosecutor to arrive. I did text him to let him know that we are still waiting for the prosecutor to arrive, and was glad that both of us also knew to put our phones on silent mode.

The prosecutor for that city, Mr. A, arrived shortly and asked me to state my name. He confirmed that I was requesting for this court meeting because I was not the one who was talking on the cellphone while driving. He then asked my ex-husband to state his name. We also knew not to complicate things by telling Mr. A that we are in the process of getting divorced, since that really has nothing to do with the case. So, I still referred to my ex-husband as my husband.

I would say ever since the beginning of last year, I have not closely looked at my ex. I’ll ‘look’ but I don’t ‘see’. While we were waiting for the prosecutor to arrive, I suddenly ‘saw’ my ex. Even after all these years, he still has this boyish charm on his face. He also looks like a kind person as well. I think this is another reason why even though he has violated the traffic laws so many times in his life, he didn’t get pulled over that often. He actually has a pleasant demeanor, unless you’re his close family, or a subordinate that he has a beef with.

I really think I ended up marrying someone like my dad. To the outside world, my dad is this handsome, friendly, intelligent, kind person. No one knows of his violent rages except for my mom and us kids. But I do believe that my dad is a kind person, just as I believe that my ex-husband is a kind person as well. I guess they’ve learned to deal with adversities in a cold, harsh way because of the traumas they’ve experienced, especially at a very young age. However, deep down to the core, they are still kind people.

Mr. A asked my ex if it was indeed him who was talking on the cellphone while driving, and my ex admitted to it sincerely, and without any hesitation. Sometimes, my ex will be rude to someone that has a connection to me, just to spite me, or annoy me. However, I could feel his sincerity this time and was pretty touched by it actually. I could feel that he just wanted to admit guilt and get me out of this mess that he (and the issuing officer) created in the first place.

I guess Mr. A was also impressed by his honesty and sincerity as well. Mr. A said that he will dismiss my citation and will probably have to contact the issuing officer to reissue the citation to my ex instead. I had already warned my ex beforehand that the prosecutor may do that. So my ex and I did not speak a word, or show any signs of discontent on our faces.

The prosecutor then started to say that he is thinking of not going by that route, but he has to try to find a way to make this whole thing seem fair. Mr. A asked my ex if he was willing to meet him half-way? My ex quickly said “Yes!”. Mr. A then asked my ex to take a MN “Distracted Driving” course online, and I immediately started searching on Google for that website. However, before I even found the link to that course, Mr. A changed his mind and said that it wouldn’t be fair to me (to keep my case open until my ex has finished the course, since it has nothing to do with me), but that it also wouldn’t be fair to the issuing officer to just drop this case as is.

I then decided to plead on my ex-husband’s behalf and asked Mr. A if it would be possible to just give my ex a verbal warning for this first time offense? Mr. A kindly agreed to it and basically gave both my ex and I a talk about the seriousness of being distracted while driving, which I totally agree with.

I also took this opportunity to clarify whether it is legal or not to look at our cellphones while waiting at a red light? Mr. A said that it is Not. He said that in the past, the police officers will pull people over and just give them a verbal warning but because of the increase in fatalities due to distracted driving, they are now issuing citations for that as well. Mr. A said that even though you are stopped at a red light, but your engine is still running. Therefore, you are still considered to be in a moving vehicle. So, that is definitely good to know! Mr. A said that it’s best to just not touch your cellphone until you reach your destination, which I totally agree with as well.

Mr. A said that he will be the prosecutor for that city for a long time so he is trusting that my ex will not be touching his cellphone while driving again. He then said that he will dismiss my citation and wished the both of us a great weekend. We wished him the same as well.

I am so happy that my ex showed up on time, that he sincerely admitted guilt without any hesitation, and that Mr. A showed kindness and compassion by letting my ex off with just a verbal warning for this first time offense. I truly do hope that my ex has learned his lesson and will not ever touch his cellphone again while driving. That’s what I’m going to do as well from now on. 😛

If we can all show love 💗 and compassion towards one another, then this world will be such a better place. All You Need Is Love! 🥰

🥰 All You Need Is Love 💗!

~ The Beatles

Love, love, love
Love, love, love
Love, love, love

There’s nothin’ you can do that can’t be done
Nothin’ you can sing that can’t be sung
Nothin’ you can say, but you can learn how to play the game
It’s easy
Nothin’ you can make that can’t be made
No one you can save that can’t be saved
Nothin’ you can do, but you can learn how to be you in time
It’s easy

All you need is love
All you need is love
All you need is love, love
Love is all you need

All you need is love
All you need is love
All you need is love, love
Love is all you need

There’s nothin’ you can know that isn’t known
Nothin’ you can see that isn’t shown
There’s nowhere you can be that isn’t where you’re meant to be
It’s easy

All you need is love
All you need is love
All you need is love, love
Love is all you need
All you need is love (all together now)
All you need is love (everybody)
All you need is love, love
Love is all you need

Love is all you need (love is all you need)
Love is all you need (love is all you need)
Love is all you need (love is all you need)
Love is all you need (love is all you need)
Love is all you need (love is all you need)
Love is all you need (love is all you need)
Love is all you need (love is all you need)
Love is all you need (love is all you need)
Love is all you need (love is all you need)
Love is all you need (love is all you need)
Love is all you need (love is all you need)
Yee-hay (love is all you need)
(Love is all you need)
(Love is all you need)
Yesterday
(Love is all you need)
Oh
Love is all you need
Love is all you need (oh yeah)
Love is all you need
(She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah)
(She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah)
(Love is all you need)
(Love is all you need)
(Love is all you need)
(Love is all you need)
(Love is all you need)
(Love is all you need)

I like Paul Walker a lot. Not only is he handsome and talented, but he also has a kind heart. He founded a charity organization in 2010 to help survivors of natural disasters. This is the kind of person that deserves to be wealthy. This is the kind of person that deserves to live a long and happy life. Sadly, he passed away in a car accident in 2013 at the young age of 40.

I often feel a stone in my heart when I watch the ending scene at 3:16 mins where Paul Walker and Vin Diezel look at each other for the last time before driving off into the sunset onto separate roads.

It’s kind of a sad irony that Paul Walker died while enjoying what he loved the most ~ riding in a fast car, but was tragically burned to death. RIP Paul Walker…

This song, and the splitting of the roads reminds me of my family. How I was basically separated from them ever since my dad got transferred back to Taiwan, when I was still in dental school in South Africa.

I went back to visit them for a month each year until I got married 14 years ago. My ex-husband and I started to visit them again a few years ago; also for a month each year, until the company he worked for went under in 2019. I was going to go visit them on my own in 2020 but then Covid struck, and it’s still bad in Taiwan, and many other countries in Asia right now. I’d still have to stay in a quarantine hotel first if I were to go and visit them now.

I’m planning on visiting them sometime next year. Hopefully, Covid will be stabilized over there by then. I miss my family and I miss my sister very much. I want to start planning it so that I can go and see her at her psychiatric institution when I go back to Taiwan and visit them.

The split in the road in the video reminds me of my sister and I. When we were back in high school, we both agreed that we will both become dentists and open a clinic together, then buy a mansion in Hawaii for all of us to live together.

She did get accepted into dental school, and I even finished dental school, but look where we are now? She’s in a psychiatric institution, and I’m still trying to figure out what to do with my life after my divorce.

We are no longer together. We are so far apart. Not just by distance, but by communication as well. My sister used to tell me that she gets worried that we’ll become distant because she’s in Taiwan and I’m in the US. However, every time I come back to see them, I just click with her immediately as if we were never apart. She feels so happy that we’re still so close with each other.

Now I feel worried if we’ll still be the same when we meet. I can’t call her at her institution and she can only call my parents in Taiwan. I’ve sent presents and greeting cards to her each year but we haven’t spoken for years now.

When I was putting together the care package for my family this year, I asked my ex-husband to still write the greeting cards for my parents and my sister as if he was still their son-in-law and her brother-in-law. I told my ex-husband that my dad has memory loss and there’s no point in telling him that we are getting divorced, since he’ll forget about it right afterwards. I also don’t want my sister to get worried about us so I told mom not to tell my sister as well. The only person in my family who knows that I’m getting divorced is my mom. She’s been my rock and my sounding board throughout this entire time. I don’t know what I would have done without her.

Will my sister and I still be able to click instantly again just like the good old times? I miss you so much my dear Pooky baby. I can’t wait to see you again… 💕

See You Again

~ Charlie Puth / Dj Frank E

It’s been a long day without you, my friend
And I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again
We’ve come a long way from where we began
Oh, I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again
When I see you again

Damn, who knew?
All the planes we flew, good things we been through
That I’d be standing right here talking to you
‘Bout another path, I know we loved to hit the road and laugh
But something told me that it wouldn’t last
Had to switch up, look at things different, see the bigger picture
Those were the days, hard work forever pays
Now I see you in a better place (see you in a better place)
Uh

How can we not talk about family when family’s all that we got?
Everything I went through, you were standing there by my side
And now you gon’ be with me for the last ride

It’s been a long day without you, my friend
And I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again (I’ll see you again)
We’ve come a long way (yeah, we came a long way)
From where we began (you know we started)
Oh, I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again (I’ll tell you)
When I see you again

First, you both go out your way and the vibe is feeling strong
And what’s small turned to a friendship, a friendship turned to a bond
And that bond will never be broken, the love will never get lost
(The love will never get lost)
And when brotherhood come first, then the line will never be crossed
Established it on our own when that line had to be drawn
And that line is what we reached, so remember me when I’m gone
(Remember me when I’m gone)

How can we not talk about family when family’s all that we got?
Everything I went through you were standing there by my side
And now you gon’ be with me for the last ride

So let the light guide your way, yeah
Hold every memory as you go
And every road you take
Will always lead you home, home

It’s been a long day without you, my friend
And I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again
We’ve come a long way from where we began
Oh, I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again
When I see you again

When I see you again (yeah, uh)
See you again (yeah, yeah, yeah)

When I see you again

• Theme for the Month:
• 😃 Joy & Happiness! 🌷
• Affirmations for the Month:
• 💐 My choice to be happy keeps me in perfect health.
• 💐 I am constantly creating everything my heart desires!
• 💐 All the good in my life comes to me as result of my willingness to find happiness in each moment.
• Saturday (07/09/22):
• I am suffering from “Analysis Paralysis”. I’ve spent the whole week designing my website helenreviews.com, just to wipe it off completely again. Now I’m back to square one, sigh…..
• Friday (07/15/22):
• I am so FRUSTRATED! I’ve been spending all of my time and energy on learning to build my new product review affiliate website. My eyes are hurting and my head is hurting, but I have nothing to show for it yet.
• Just to make my life even more complicated, my ex-husband texted me now to tell me that he received a traffic citation yesterday for using the cellphone while driving. AND the officer made a mistake. The citation is issued for me! Because it was my car so the title is under my name.
• However, the officer ticked me as the owner of the vehicle and the driver! His details are nowhere to be found, not even his name is on the citation! I asked my ex why he didn’t correct the officer when signing the citation? He said that he didn’t have to sign anything. The officer just handed it to him and drove away????!!!!
• My ex said that he will receive a notice in 2 weeks and that he will correct it.
• Just great! Here I am, minding my own business, working on my new website, and all of a sudden, I got a traffic citation! ARGGGHHHHHH!!!!!! 😡
• Saturday (07/17/22):
• I am learning more and more factors that impact the success of a website for monetization. It actually starts with what topic I want to choose. It’s not just to make money, but also, can I continue doing this for long term without getting sick of it and burning out?
• Back to the drawing board. More lessons to learn. More analysis to do now.
• I’ll get there!
• Monday (07/18/22):
• I called and scheduled a court hearing for next week. This is pretty serious. It’s considered a Criminal/Traffic ~ Petty Misdemeanor in MN, which will stay on record for two years. The fine is $128 for the first offense and will raise our car insurance premium.
• I texted my ex-husband to let him know that I will kindly go on my own for the court hearing. However, he may have to come later on if they want proof that I wasn’t the one using the cellphone while driving.
• However way it goes, it will raise our car insurance premium if the court finds him to be guilty instead.
• This is so annoying. But, to be honest, “let he who is without sin cast the first stone”. Can we all in honesty say that we have never ever taken a call (not hands-free), or typed something on our cellphone while driving, or waiting in traffic?
• Although, I must say, my ex-husband has been doing it a lot since the beginning. I just reminded him a few months ago not to do that, when we had to go to the junk yard to pick up stuff from his vehicle that has been totaled.
• Let this be a lesson to us all. Do NOT touch your cellphone while driving, or waiting in traffic. Not just for safety reasons, but for legal implications as well.
• Wish me luck! 🙏
• Saturday (07/23/22):
• I have been stuck on the training session to creating the site structure for my new website at mindbodylist.com so that it will be SEO friendly. I’ve been reading up on it and getting different opinions from various SEO specialists out there. This is a crucial part of setting up a website from the beginning and once it’s done, it’ll difficult to change the entire structure at a later date. Therefore, I have to get right from the beginning.
• I connected with someone from one of my FB groups who specializes in SEO optimization. He wanted us to exchange services; for me to write posts for his health blog (since I am educated and passionate about the health and self-help fields), and in exchange, he will provide SEO services for my new website. However, I would rather spend all that time and effort in writing health-related articles for my own website instead, since both of our websites are in the health field.
• I saw my website at chinese-medicine-doc.com and I guess he was impressed with my educational background.
• I told him that I may be able to write guest posts for his website at a much later date once mine is up and running smoothly. He kindly said that I don’t have to agree to it, and that he will still help me with my website, which I appreciate a lot.
• He asked me to come up with my website structure and he’ll let me know whether that is SEO-friendly or not. I was kinda feeling lazy and wanted to just set up the basics of my website and start writing articles but now that I have someone I need to be accountable for, I’ll have to do it the proper way instead. 😛
• I’ve been thinking so much about developing my website these days, I honestly don’t know how many brain cells I have left now? 🤔
• Sunday (07/24/22):
• I woke up super early again this morning. I’ve been thinking about the structure of my new website. I plan on writing articles for a long time for this website. I’m actually not 100% sure right now of all the topics I’ll want to talk about, since it will be covering all resources to do with the Mind, Body and Spirit. I think I’ll let the FB friend know that I won’t be having a set structure right now for my website.
• I’m also following this other program of posting reviews for various products to do with the Mind, Body and Spirit. I’m trying to integrate what I’m learning from both programs into my new website.
• I think my phone is still being hacked. There has been a few times where my ex-husband has sent me text messages but I never received them. He even showed me screenshots to prove that he did send them.
• Just a few days ago, a friend sent me a text, and I could it see faintly appearing on my screen, but then it just disappeared into thin air????
• A friend just texted me now and asked where I’ve been? He said that he has been sending me text messages but I didn’t reply to any of them. I didn’t receive any of them?
• I wonder how many text messages were sent to me that never reached me, or texts that I’ve sent to others that got intercepted, and just disappeared into thin air?
• Tuesday (07/26/22):
• I have been neglecting my health lately because I’ve been focusing too much on my online business.
• I have committed myself to the 5 Day Release Anxiety EFT Tapping Challenge with The Tapping Solution, which started yesterday. I will see by the end of Friday as to how and feel and if I should start a new Tapping Challenge series after that.
• Instead of just the 15 minutes of meditation in the morning, I am also adding the 15 minutes of EFT tapping after that in the morning, or I may do that in the evening before bed.
• Saturday (07/30/22):
• I finished my 5 Day Release Anxiety EFT Tapping Challenge yesterday.
• I have committed myself to start the 8 Day You Are Enough EFT Tapping Challenge as of today.
• I will start writing articles for my new website mindbodylist.com as that is the only way to start driving traffic organically. I will also continue to update its site structure.
• Sunday (07/31/22):

For some reason, this song came into my mind as soon as I woke up early this morning.

There have been various interpretations to the meaning behind the lyrics of this song. Some say it’s about the Vietnam war, and that the word “rain” is actually referring to bombs falling from the sky. Some say it’s talking about the idealists of the 60’s that were being abandoned by society. The hippie-spirit born at the end of the decade was being extinguished, and the people behind it were being integrated back into mainstream society.

John Fogerty, the writer of the lyrics, explained that this song was actually written about the band’s internal conflict following their massive success, and the rift that was forming between himself and the rest of the band. It describes the feeling of being down and out even when life’s circumstances should have you feeling happy and upbeat.

I tend to resonate more with the second and third interpretations of this song.

I often feel being misunderstood. There seems to be an incongruency between how I feel and how I express it outwardly. I personally think that astrology has something to do with it as well. Being an Aries sun, I tend to be open, honest and direct when communicating my thoughts. However, since my moon sign is in Scorpio, which is mysterious, secretive and hidden, there are thoughts and feelings that I will only keep to myself and not express to anyone else. These are like two polar opposites, and oftentimes, I’m uncertain myself as to how I’m really feeling about something or someone.

And then, when it comes to my soon-to-be-over marriage; things seemed to have been okay on the surface, especially since I’ve learned over the years to just keep my feelings & thoughts to myself, and to accept that my ex-husband does not want to display affection or talk about our feelings. However, when he decided to end the marriage, he exited it in the most dramatic way possible.

Events started to unfold one after the other within the period of a few days. On 12/04/21, he knocked on my bedroom door at around 4am to tell me that his car got rear ended and ended up in the ditch in an undriveable condition. Then, I found out that he had started drinking again since a year ago, and then, he asked for a divorce.

A few days later, I found out that he had been secretly withdrawing large amounts of money from our bank accounts. He also went back on his word regarding our divorce settlement, so I told him that I will not sign the divorce papers unless he honors his promise. At the beginning of this year, I came home one night and saw his cold email with all the divorce forms filled out, and informing me that if I do not file the divorce jointly with him, then he will take me to court. We already agreed from the beginning that we do not want lawyers or the court involved in our divorce.

I started getting stomach pains after the lipoma surgical removal on my back towards the end of December last year. The lipoma was a lot deeper than what the surgeon had thought and he had to re-anesthetize me during the surgery, and it took a lot longer than how long he had anticipated it would take.

A few days after my ex-husband threatened to take me to court, I experienced excruciating stomach pain, passed out, had a concussion and vomited all over. I have often had stomach pains in the past because I have a lot of food allergies. However, I have never experienced such bad stomach pain before. I am grateful that it happened in front of him, because he quickly turned my head to the side when I started vomiting. Otherwise, I would have choked on my own vomit and died.

He took me to the ER and thankfully, they did not see a brain bleed on my Head CT scan. He also took me to see my neurologist and she said that me passing out could have been caused by the extreme stomach pain that I was experiencing, since neurological and psychological factors may also cause someone to lose consciousness. That was when he told my neurologist that he had just asked for a divorce and since he was the one initiating it, he was already mentally prepared, but I probably was still in shock (and I was, especially with the way he did it). My neurologist agreed that it could have played a factor as well.

In fact, ever since my lipoma surgery, I have been experiencing stomach pains frequently. It was so bad another time that I was worried I might pass out again, and quickly lied down for a few hours. It’s been better since then, but I still experience it on a pretty constant basis.

After my concussion, my ex-husband finally decided to stop pushing me so hard. I told him that I need time to recover from all of this and thankfully, he agreed to it. He also agreed to keep his word regarding our divorce settlement. That was also when he decided to get more money and applied for a huge loan, and then gave the entire amount to this other woman. It was already too late when I finally found out about it.

Ever since then, I’ve been learning to adjust my emotions; to try and forgive him, mainly for the sake of my own health and wellbeing, and to focus on getting my health back on track again.

I’m much better now, in terms of finding my balance again (thanks to physical therapy and occupational therapy) after this second concussion. I had one back in 2019 after I slipped and fell on ice, and hit the back of my head in a parking lot. I still experience stomach pains but not as frequently as before. I can finally start focusing for about 45 minutes at a time, which is why I’m slowly starting to build my online business now. It’s going so slowly though, since there’s so much to learn and so many factors to take into account.

Bad things happen to all of us, and then we finally get better and pick ourselves back up again. Then, another bad thing happens, and we eventually recover. So, the cycle just repeats itself over and over again.

Such is life…

Have You Ever Seen the Rain?

~ John Fogerty

Someone told me long ago
There’s a calm before the storm
I know, it’s been coming for some time
When it’s over, so they say
It’ll rain a sunny day
I know, shining down like water

I wanna know, have you ever seen the rain?
I wanna know, have you ever seen the rain?
Coming down on a sunny day

Yesterday, and days before
Sun is cold and rain is hard
I know, been that way for all my time
‘Til forever, on it goes
Through the circle, fast and slow
I know, it can’t stop, I wonder

I wanna know, have you ever seen the rain?
I wanna know, have you ever seen the rain?
Coming down on a sunny day

Yeah!

I wanna know, have you ever seen the rain?
I wanna know, have you ever seen the rain?
Coming down on a sunny day

Source(s):

• ExtraChill.com ~ The Meaning of Creedence Clearwater Revival’s “Have You Ever Seen The Rain?”
• Musicaroo.com ~ “Have You Ever Seen The Rain” Lyrics & Meaning

1. Mind

😃 Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART) Indices (11/18/22)

🎵 Cool Songs Indices 😃

Mind-Related Resources Indices

Trauma Super Conference Index

The Trauma and Awakening Program

🌻 Overcome Trauma Responses Indices

PTSD Workbook Index

🌈 Recovery from Codependency Indices

💕 Relationship Indices

🌺 Trauma-Related Resources Indices (02/04/23)

2. Body

😃 My Post Lipoma Surgery Physical Therapy Exercises 🌷 (03/04/22)

🌻 10 Day Joy Challenge Index – Donna Eden – Activate Your Radiant Circuits!

🌻 35 Day Eden Energy Medicine Exercises Index – Donna Eden

Body-Related Resources Indices

Daily Energy Routine Index – Donna Eden

😃 EFT Tapping Indices

😃 Manifesting Your Greatest Self Indices

Stretches and Exercises Index

15 Day Hormone Reset Index

Hashimoto’s Self-Management Program Index

🌈 Chakra Healing Indices 💖

😃 My New Life Indices 🌺

3. Spirit

IAMEmbrace Indices

💗 Love or Above Indices

Mantras and Prayers Indices

Meditation Indices

Meditations

My Songs Indices

Spirit-Related Resources Indices

4. Financial

🌺 8 Weeks of Self-Care to Feeling Healthier and Happier! Indices 🌷

😃 AMBSDR Indices 🌷

🌻 Financial Planning Indices (11/09/22)

🌻 My Finances Template (Password Protected) (11/15/22)

🌻 My New Life Indices (10/31/22)

💰 S-Corp Indices (11/08/22)

🤑 Small Account Indices 🌹

🌷 TASS Indices

5. Resources

Resources Indices

6. Info

Daily Indices

🤓 My Life Indices 💐

7. My Journal

📔 My Journal Indices

8. My Programs

My Programs Indices

2024

🌺 It’s So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday (04/23/24)

🌹 Dancing With Your Ghost (04/19/24)

🌹 Always Remember Us This Way (04/14/24)

2023

I Miss You More Than Life ❤️ (09/05/23)

Everyday Life 💐 (08/27/23)

I Wish It Would Rain Down 🌧️ (08/10/23)

Daddy’s Don’t Leave 💕 (08/08/23)

I’ll Be Missing You ❤️ (08/01/23)

Breakaway 🔗‍💥 (08/01/23)

Wildflowers💐 (07/27/23)

🌃 Dancing in the Sky ❤️ (07/13/23)

2022

🌺 Auld Lang Syne 🎆 (12/18/22)

🌹 Never Looking Back (12/14/22)

💗 Vulnerable? (12/02/22)

🌦️ Through The Rain ☀️ (11/22/22)

🌹 Beautiful Girl 😛 (11/10/22)

🌺 The Ancient Moon Shines Upon the Present Ashes (古月照今塵) (11/03/22)

💭 Thoughts for November 2022 🌺 (11/02/22)

🌬️ Colors of the Wind (10/25/22)

💗 All My Life 💐 (10/15/22)

🌨️ Seasons Change (10/13/22)

💭 Thoughts for October 2022 🌺 (10/05/22)

🌹 No Matter What 👐 (09/25/22)

💐 Battle Belongs (09/18/22)

💐 Hero (09/16/22)

🤗 Friends Forever 🌺 (09/11/22)

😘 Beautiful Girls 💃 (08/23/22)

🌃 Up All Night (08/11/22)

🙏 Already Gone… 💗 (08/10/22)

🌹 It’s a Wild World (08/09/22)

💖 All You Need Is Love! 🥰 (08/06/22)

🌹 See You Again 💕 (08/01/22)

🌦️ Have You Ever Seen The Rain? 🌹 (07/23/22)

💗 I Love California 🏖️ (07/17/22)

🤗 Count On Me 💐 (07/17/22)

🌄 Amazing Grace ~ My Chains are Gone 🌹 (06/14/22)

🐝 Honeybee 🌷 (05/18/22)

😃 Viva La Vida ~ Long Live Life! 💐 (05/01/22)

😃 I Will Come Through! 💐 (04/28/22)

💗 Memories 🌷 (04/25/22)

💖 Tomorrow Will Be Even Better! (04/21/22)

🕊️ Seabird ~ Fly Home! 🌺

😃 My New Life Indices 🌺 (04/16/22)

😭 I’m Sorry (03/29/22)

🌹 Nothing New 💐 (03/23/22)

🤬 I Hate You So Much Right Now!!!! 😡 (03/14/22)

😇 Scars in Heaven 💐 (02/05/22)

💗 My Divorce Healing Journey Indices 💗

💔 💔 💔 Over You!!! 💔💔💔 (02/04/22)

🌹 Cora Rose ~ What an Inspiration! 🐩 🥊 Forgive, but DO NOT FORGET!!! 🥊 (02/03/22)

💭 Thoughts for February 2022! 🌺 (02/01/22)

🔥 Fire and Rain 🌧️ (01/10/22)

🥰 I’m Still Here ~ 還有我 💖 (01/02/22)

😛 Happy New Year! 🌹 (01/01/22)

💭 Thoughts for January 2022! 🌺 (01/01/22)

2021

🌃 The Moonlight in the City 💖 (12/29/21)

🙏 My Prayer 🌷 (12/25/21)

I’m Cold! 🥶 (12/20/21)

🥊 My Lipoma Surgery, My Fight Song! 💐 (12/19/21)

🌻 Starts with Goodbye 🌹 (12/17/21)

💃🏻 I Hope You Dance 🌹

💭 Thoughts for December 2021 🌹

Like Jesus Does (11/29/21)

I Only Want to Be with You! (11/12/21)

Thoughts for November 2021

Thoughts for October 2021

Actions and Thoughts for the Week (09/26/21 – 10/02/21)

I Hope (09/19/21)

Actions and Thoughts for the Week (09/19/21 – 09/25/21)

When the Sun Shines in the Valley (09/12/21)

Actions and Thoughts for the Week (09/12/21 – 09/18/21)

Inside of My Guitar (09/05/21)

Thoughts for the Week (09/05/21 – 09/11/21)

Morning Has Broken (09/04/21)

A Game, A Dream (09/03/21)

If You Like Piña Coladas (09/01/21)

The Passing Years Are Like the Flowing Water (08/28/21)

Thoughts for the Week (08/29/21 – 09/04/21)

Somebody That I Used to Know (08/26/21)

Red Bean (08/25/21)

Listen to the Rhythm of the Falling Rain (08/24/21)

Better in Time (08/22/21)

Can’t Help Falling in Love with You (08/21/21)

Thoughts for the Week (08/22/21 – 08/28/21)

Thank You! (08/15/21)

The Guitar Man (08/14/21)

Thoughts for the Week (08/15/21 – 08/21/21)

Thoughts for the Week (08/08/21 – 08/14/21)

You’re Gonna Miss Me When I’m Gone (08/06/21)

You’re Gonna Hear Me Roar! (08/03/21)

Sweat (A La La La La Long) (08/02/21)

Thoughts for the Week (08/01/21 – 08/07/21)

I’ll Be There (07/31/21)

Good Karma Points (07/26/21)

I Miss You (07/22/21)

In the Neighborhood (07/18/21)

When Love Became the Past (07/13/21)

Let Bygones Be Bygones (07/04/21)

Let Go of What Does Not Serve You! (06/30/21)

Song of Sunset (06/29/21)

Cherish Tonight! (06/28/21)

Try? (06/23/21)

Karma Chameleon (06/13/21)

Why Should It Matter Who I Am? (06/11/21)

Is Love Like a Bubble? (06/10/21)

Will My Day Ever Come? (06/06/21)

Hand in Hand – We’re in this Together! (06/05/21)

Thank you my Dear body! (06/02/21)

Tomorrow Will Be Even Better! (06/01/21)

Shallow (05/28/21)

I Wanna Dance with Somebody! (05/25/21)

What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger! (05/23/21)

We Are The World! (05/22/21)

Ebony and Ivory (05/22/21)

We are Rising in Love! (05/15/21)

I Feel It All! (05/14/21)

Yes and More Please! (05/13/21)

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun! (05/13/21)

Three Little Birds! (05/07/21)

What a Wonderful World! (05/05/21)

Race You Back Home (04/25/21)

Seasons in the Sun (04/17/21)

Let Her Go… (04/02/21)

A Walk in the Park (04/01/21)

You’re Still The One…. (03/27/21)

Photograph (03/19/21)

Ball and Chain (03/15/21)

Servant of Peace (03/10/21)

Candle in the Wind (03/07/21)

Feeling Happy Today! 😀 (03/02/21)

We Will Be Together Again! (02/28/21)

I Feel So Grateful! (02/26/21)

Trauma (02/16/21)

Be Myself, Honor Myself, Love Myself (01/31/21)

Where Have All the Flowers Gone? (01/26/21)

Jack of All Trades, Master of None (01/21/21)

Feeling So Blocked and Stuck… (01/20/21)

Back to Reality, Back to Earth (01/19/21)

Where Did all the Good Times Go? (01/07/21)

Blowin’ in the Wind… (01/06/21)

Let It Be (01/03/21)

Imagine – Release all of my Constraints (01/03/21)

Stop and smell the roses (01/03/21)

You Manifest What You Believe (01/03/21)

I Appreciate You! (01/02/21)

The Twelfth of Never (01/01/21)

Ode to my Inner Child – I Never Meant to Hurt You (01/01/21)

Rhythm of the Rain (01/01/21)

Forever Love (01/01/21)

I Love You! (01/01/21)

2020

There’s no place like Home (12/31/20)

Love-Fear Relationship (12/31/20)

Bird on a Wire (12/30/20)

Tone done on my emotions? (12/29/20)

The emotional energy behind the pain (12/29/20)

Standing in my power (12/28/20)

Look Within (12/27/20)

July 17th, 2022 (Sunday):

I recently noticed that one of the YouTube songs in my post was no longer available, so I decided to update it. I also just felt like revisiting this post to listen to the songs regarding California.

Listening to the songs and watching the photos brings me back to fond memories of living in SoCal again. Gosh! I miss California so much!

At the same time, I feel this sense of sadness for my ex-husband… After the company he worked for went under towards the end of 2019, he started working a third-shift job while at the same time trying to find clients as a medical device engineer. It’s tough starting your own business and he worked very hard to at least have some form of stability now in his independent contracting business.

He was struggling with both his third-shift job & his own business in 2020, and in mid-2020 he told me to plan our relocation back to CA. Things turned around at the last minute and he managed to find a high-paying client for his medical device engineering business so we continued to stay in MN.

Then, he started doing shady things behind my back in 2021; seeing another woman, secretly withdrawing money from our joint bank account, and then taking up a huge loan when I found out about it and put a stop to him withdrawing money from our bank account. Finally, he gave all that money to the other women, and that was when he stopped pushing for the divorce to be finalized immediately, since he already got the money. We’re still getting divorced, but at least, in the meantime, he still has a housekeeper, a bookkeeper, and an executive assistant doing all the work for him, so he’s not pushing for it as hard as he did before.

I’m still trying to decide whether I should stay in MN, move back to CA, or move back to Taiwan after our divorce is finalized. This is why I’m learning to start my own online business, so that I am not restricted by where I am, and by the time zone.

Even when I was working from home as a Covid case investigator and contact tracer for both MN and ND, I had to be a MN resident, due to tax purposes. If I left MN, then I could no longer work for both of those jobs. The pay was good and I had a lot of freedom in setting my own hours, but I have always wanted to live a minimalist laptop lifestyle, where I can travel around the world and go where ever I want to, whenever I want to. I’m still struggling to find the best way to do this, but I know that I will get there eventually.

I feel sorry for my ex-husband because MN is the medical device hub. It’s his best chance of excelling in his field. If I decide to move back to CA, then he will be alone in MN all by himself. We hardly even see each other or speak with each other even though we’re still living under the same roof. But at least, we can still help each other out if need be. He’s a private and reserved person. I just hope that if I do end up leaving MN after our divorce is final, that he will have friends here to help him in his time of need. I hope he will find good friends that will lead him back to having a healthy lifestyle, instead of choosing to drink alcohol.

Even though he did all these shady, hurtful things to me, I am still grateful that he’s not rushing to have our divorce finalized right away, at my request, so that I have more time to continue my treatments for my concussion, my PTSD, and to work on my online business. I am getting a lot better now, but it’s still an ongoing journey.

We made a pact when relocating from CA to MN that once his company goes public and we become multi-millionaires, then we will drive back to CA and visit Hearst Castle again. Somehow, for me, Hearst Castle symbolizes a dream come true. When his company’s product was going to be mass-produced for the surgeons, and they were going to set up training sites throughout the entire US to train them, we started fantasizing of what we’ll do with all the money. We agreed to starting a non-profit organization and train the homeless so that they can become employable. Those were good times back then… Where did all the good times go???

I pray that I can become successful with my online business within the next 2 years. Then, I can prove to my ex-husband that it works, and convince him to start his own as well, so that he doesn’t have to work so hard. I pray that he can find someone to take care of him once we’re no longer together.

December 3rd, 2021 (Friday):

I Miss California… I had flashbacks of my time in California last night and this morning upon waking. I’m starting to feel anxious about my upcoming lipoma surgery that is scheduled for 12/22/21 (Wednesday), so decided to start and do my EFT Tapping again on a regular basis.

Will I feel pain before (during the local anesthesia), during and after the surgery? If so, then for how long, and how intense will it be? Will there be post-op complications, e.g. incomplete healing, scar formation, secondary infections, and edema, etc.? The surgeon has already told me that there will eventually be a faint visible scar, but I know that I need to take great care to make sure that the edges of the scar heals properly and that there’s complete healing beneath the scar, where they will be removing the lipoma.

I have slight scoliosis of my back. My chiropractor in Plymouth said that if 10 was the most severe form scoliosis, then he would say that mine is a 2 (just by looking at it through my t-shirt and not doing a comprehensive examination).

I sometimes feel uncomfortable with my bra on because of the slight scoliosis. I feel a slight push more towards one side. I think it’s also because of my lipoma as well, so I’m hoping that it’ll feel better after my lipoma has been removed.

I’ve decided not to wear a bra for at least a month after my lipoma surgery, as I don’t want the uneven pressure to cause my scar line to heal unevenly. Thank goodness I have perky breasts 😛, and this is with me only wearing a bra when I’m outside of my house for almost my entire life. So, I think I’ll be okay with not wearing a bra at all for two months, fingers crossed! 🤞

I’ll just have to make sure that I use a scarf to cover my breasts over my t-shirt when I go for my chiropractic adjustments and my physical therapy. My massage therapist(s) are all females, so I think I should be okay not to wear a scarf when getting massages, if I do decide to get one during those two months of healing from my lipoma surgery. I’m optimistically anticipating that I will be completely healed by the end of February 2022, assuming that there’s no complications occurring after the surgery. 🙏

After doing my EFT tapping yesterday afternoon, I started having flashbacks of Carpinteria before going to bed last night. That’s where my husband’s company was based before they relocated to Maple Grove, Minnesota in 2014 ~ the reason we moved from California to Minnesota in September 2014. I imagined myself walking on the beach as I used to do so every single afternoon when we were living there.

I also had flashbacks of San Diego this morning upon waking. It was as if I was back there again at the Balboa Park in San Diego. I could see and feel all of my emotions that I felt when I was there all over again…

I think the EMDR sessions are definitely helping me to reawaken my senses. EFT Tapping does the same as well, and that’s why I’m starting to be able to get more in touch with all of my senses now.

I really miss California, despite the overall deteriorating conditions they’re now experiencing. There’s homeless encampments all over the state, druggies driving on the road (due to the legalization of pot), and overcrowding & traffic congestion in some cities. Luckily, Ventura County, where we used to live, is not so bad though. We lived in various cities in Ventura County throughout the years. The one I love and miss the most is Westlake Village. It is so beautiful and in a convenient location ~ whether it’s to travel South to Los Angeles, North to Santa Barbara, or West to Malibu (a very short scenic drive).

I Still Love California! I’ll Always Love California! It’s My Home! I Love California! I Miss California! I miss the ocean so much! 💖

April 5th, 2021 (Monday):

I love California. I came to California when I was three years old, due to my dad being a diplomat for Taiwan. Our family traveled to many other places afterwards, but my heart always belongs to California. It’s my Home…

My husband and I took a two week road trip when we relocated from California to Minnesota back in September of 2014. We drove from Channel Islands Harbor in Ventura County, CA all the way North to Seattle, Washington, then turned South-East towards Minnesota. We could have just driven East to North Dakota, and then South to Minnesota. But my husband said that we had to visit Mount Rushmore. I guess it’s more memorable to visit Mount Rushmore than Fargo? He also wanted us to visit the Yellowstone National Park but we decided to do that at another time so that we don’t have to feel too rushed during this road trip. We took the scenic Pacific Coast Highway route when we drove up North towards Seattle. We drove past Big Sur’s Bixby Bridge and stayed around the area for the night. Our last stop in California was near Mt. Shasta, California.

When asked of what I miss the most about California, the first and only thing that came to mind was ‘I miss the ocean!’. I almost cried when I said that. I miss the ocean so much. I feel like a fish out of water, literally… I love going to the beach and listening to the sound of the waves. It is so calming and relaxing. Looking at the vast ocean with endless boundaries also reminds me that I am just a pebble in the sand, a drop in the ocean. It humbles me and makes me once again connect with the Universe, with True Source…

I was just asked last week if I’d ever go back to California? I had put all my memories aside of California because I feel that there’s no use pining over something that you can’t have. But ever since then, I’ve been missing California more and more each day. I miss the ocean so much. The weather in Minnesota is nice now so it’s not so much the weather that I miss in California. It’s the ocean….. I miss the ocean so much, and just the fact that, it’s my Home. California may not be my Home by birth, but it’s my Home by heart… But, I feel that I have to go back to Taiwan to take care of my sister and my mom one day…

We went back to Ventura County, California a few months after we arrived in Minnesota to take care of some affairs. When we were driving our rental car to LAX from Ventura County to fly back to Minnesota, I started to bawl my eyes out, knowing that we’re saying Goodbye to Ventura this time, for good… After that incident, my husband has been hesitant for us to go back and visit California. Even when we do stop by there for a few days, after visiting my family in Taiwan, he’ll intentionally act all bored and upset while we’re in California. I think he’s doing that to psychologically bring me bad memories when I think of California, so that I won’t miss California so much. I definitely do not appreciate that! I don’t think he can deal with my emotions, or just emotions in general. Therefore, he just decides to suppress my emotions and his own emotions altogether.

My husband used to tell me that I live in a bubble. Sometimes, I wish I could just be a hippie, and live a carefree, stress-free life. Is that Okay???

I’ve been feeling so tired lately…. It all started when I had a bad bout of sinus allergy towards the end of May. I went to see the doctor and he found that I had a sinus infection, so he prescribed me antibiotics.

I got so sick taking the antibiotics, having digestive upsets and loose stools (TMI ~ Too Much Information 😛) daily to the point where I started to get worried if I was having a serious complication from the antibiotic, which is Pseudomembranous colitis.

I went back to see another doctor two weeks later, and she said that my sinus infection has cleared up, so she told me to stop taking the antibiotics immediately. She prescribed me a nasal spray instead for my sinus allergies.

I am very sensitive, not just emotionally, but physically as well. The sinus spray contains cortico-steroids and I immediately started having adverse reactions towards it, and am still suffering from some of the side effects as of now.

Then, there’s the problem with my sleep. I’ve not been sleeping well lately. I try to go to bed early, like around 10.30pm because I tend to wake up early, like around 4.30am every morning, regardless of what time I go to bed.

In the past, I’d started thinking about things, or ponder about life, but nowadays, even while I’m still half sleep, I start thinking of ideas for my new website. What niche I should choose? What domain name can I get? What topics can I write about?

After listening to my brainwave entrainment meditation for 15 minutes, I just decide to get up and start watching the online business training videos and do more research online. However, this leads to me having sore eyes and sore arms (especially on the right side because I’m using the mouse too much), especially if I don’t take breaks in between and don’t stretch enough.

At least I make it a point to go the gym and walk on the treadmill, then stretch for 20 minutes afterwards whenever I can, even when I’m tired and don’t feel like it.

And now I got this issue at the back of my mind as to how to deal with this traffic citation that was mistakenly issued to me (I wasn’t even there at the time!) instead of my ex-husband. He basically got off scot-free, not that I wish him any ill. In fact, I always pray for his safety and the safety of my family and my loved ones daily. However, I now need to go to court and tell the judge that the police officer made a mistake of naming me (instead of my ex-husband) as the driver who was talking on the cellphone while driving, as I was not even in the car at the time. This sounds so ridiculous and unreal. I honestly don’t even know if I should be laughing or crying about it?

And there comes a time, especially when I’m feeling exhausted, or feeling down, when I wish I had that special someone with me. The someone that I can always count on to be there for me in the good times, and the bad. The someone that can hold me, comfort me in his arms and tell me that everything will be alright, and I for him as well. The someone that is my best friend, my lover, and my soulmate… 💕

Count On Me

~ Bruno Mars

Oh-oh

If you ever find yourself stuck in the middle of the sea
I’ll sail the world to find you
If you ever find yourself lost in the dark and you can’t see
I’ll be the light to guide you

We’ll find out what we’re made of
When we are called to help our friends in need

You can count on me like one, two, three
I’ll be there
And I know when I need it, I can count on you like four, three, two
And you’ll be there
‘Cause that’s what friends are supposed to do, oh, yeah
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh, yeah, yeah

If you tossin’ and you’re turnin’ and you just can’t fall asleep
I’ll sing a song beside you
And if you ever forget how much you really mean to me
Every day I will remind you, oh

We’ll find out what we’re made of
When we are called to help our friends in need

You can count on me like one, two, three
I’ll be there
And I know when I need it, I can count on you like four, three, two
And you’ll be there
‘Cause that’s what friends are supposed to do, oh, yeah
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh, yeah, yeah

You’ll always have my shoulder when you cry
I’ll never let go, never say goodbye
You know

You can count on me like one, two, three
I’ll be there
And I know when I need it I can count on you like four, three, two
And you’ll be there
‘Cause that’s what friends are supposed to do, oh, yeah
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh

You can count on me ’cause I can count on you