🌺 Journal

My father passed away from Covid complications on June 12th. I’ve been unable to fully process this since I’m following the Buddhist tradition of praying for him for 49 days to assist his spirit in going to the Pure Land, and am not able to mourn for him by letting out my emotions and crying…

I call my mom at least once a week, and sometimes my dad and I will also talk to each other for a while. It became less often, mainly because of my dad’s dementia. In the past few months, there were times when I wondered if my dad had forgotten who I was.

For some reason, I felt the urge to call home on June 12th but then did not. I called on June 13th and spoke to Mom for a long time. I can’t remember exactly what it was regarding, but I think I was complaining that my soon-to-be ex-husband was ignoring my text messages and not answering my calls. Mom listened to me patiently, and I did not suspect a thing until I asked her how Dad was doing. She went silent and said she was unsure if she should tell me. My heart sank, and I started to feel light-headed. I said to her, “Tell me.”

I started imagining the worst, but there was still a small piece of me hoping she’d tell me that Dad got ill and was in the hospital, or something like that. Instead, Mom said to me that “Dad passed away yesterday.” I was shocked because she didn’t call me yesterday to tell me that. She said she was actually contemplating waiting for a few more days before telling me about it.

I had a video meeting with my sister in April, and mom and I decided to try and see if we could have a 3-way video meeting with my mom joining us on May 31st (Taiwan time) in the morning. To my pleasant surprise, Dad woke up early that morning, and Mom asked him to join us as well. This was my sister’s first time seeing my dad since she was sent to the psychiatric institution in January 2020. We spoke for an hour, and for some reason, I decided to record our video meeting even though I wasn’t sure if that was actually allowed by the psychiatric institution. I am so grateful now that I did that, so I can always go back and see that video when I think of him.

Mom told me that the very next night after our video meeting, Dad became very ill, and she had to call an ambulance. It was found that my Dad contracted Covid. He was 92 years old, and we decided not to get him immunized, especially because he had a thyroid tumor. He also refused to get immunized when my mom asked him to. Dad was released a few days later as the doctor told my Mom that he was no longer positive for Covid, and they had already done everything they could for him. It’s now up to Dad’s own body to recover from this.

I was in shock again after finding out that Dad had been ill since June 1st, as I had been calling my mom once or twice a week during that time, and we always had long conversations. I think I even asked her during those two weeks how Dad was doing, and she didn’t show any trace of him being sick. So, I wasn’t even sure how I was supposed to feel when she told me that Dad passed away yesterday, and that she was even considering telling me about it only a few more days later.

I know that Mom did not tell me about Dad’s passing because she is a devout Pure Land Buddhist, and she wants my dad to go to the Pure Land and not have to suffer from reincarnating again.

In the Pure Land Buddhism tradition, it is very important, especially for the first 24 hours, not to cry after someone passes away as that may cause their spirit to remain attached to earthly desires and not want to go to Pure Land, where there will be no more suffering, no more attachments, and no more reincarnations. I’ve been a crybaby my whole life since I’m so emotional, and Mom has reminded me throughout the years not to cry when she passes away so that she can peacefully go to the Pure Land Nirvana without having to feel sad for leaving me behind.

Mom said that Dad’s cremation ceremony will be held on June 30th, and she and my brother felt it’s best I don’t go back to attend it. The main reason being that Covid was still very bad in Taiwan, and I have auto-immune issues and no health insurance in Taiwan. If I were to end up contracting Covid and become ill, then I guess Mom would feel very guilty about it, and wouldn’t know how to answer to my Dad’s spirit. I also felt scared that I would just burst out crying when I saw Dad’s body, knowing that I was not supposed to.

I’ve been following the Buddhist tradition of praying for my Dad and not eating meat for 49 days after his passing. I’ve also been donating in his name every week.

I told my therapist that she and I had been spending the past few years working on my “Daddy” issues, and I feel now that it is finally time for me to let go; to forgive him for all the inadvertent pain he has caused me, and to ask for his forgiveness for any inadvertent pain I have caused him throughout the years.

I miss you, Daddy. I will always be your little girl. I love you so much. Thank you for loving me and for being in my life. I pray you’re in Pure Land now, without pain or suffering. I hope you will always be happy and healthy. How is it up there, Daddy? I hope you’re dancing in the sky.

Dancing in the Sky

~ Dani and Lizzy

Tell me, what does it look like in heaven?
Is it peaceful? Is it free like they say?
Does the sun shine bright forever?
Have your fears and your pain gone away?

‘Cause here on Earth it feels like everything
Good is missing since you left
And here on Earth, everything’s different
There’s an emptiness

Oh-oh, I
I hope you’re dancing in the sky
And I hope you’re singing in the angel’s choir
And I hope the angels know what they have
I’ll bet it’s so nice up in Heaven since you arrived

So tell me, what do you do up in Heaven?
Are your days filled with love and light?
Is there music? Is there art and adventure?
Tell me are you happy? Are you more alive?

‘Cause here on Earth it feels like everything
Good is missing since you left
And here on Earth everything’s different
There’s an emptiness

Oh-oh, I
I hope you’re dancing in the sky
And I hope you’re singing in the angel’s choir
And I hope the angels know what they have
I’ll bet it’s so nice up in Heaven since you arrived
Since you arrived

Oh, oh
(What does it look like in heaven?) Yeah, yeah
Oh, oh, oh-oh
Oh-oh, oh

Oh, oh, I
I hope you’re dancing in the sky
And I hope you’re singing in the angel’s choir
And I hope the angels know what they have
I’ll bet it’s so nice up in Heaven since you arrived
Since you arrived

It’s hard to believe that 2022 will be over in two weeks. This has been a year mixed with lots of joy, laughter, hurt, and tears. This is my first year toward independence after 14 years of marriage, learning to let go of the past, and keeping an open mind about my future. I’ve had to learn to let go of what does not serve me over and over again, as much as I may want to cling to it and as painful as that may be.

I am grateful to my soon-to-be ex-husband for the “Dark Night of the Soul” he has brought upon me for the past two years. I have shed so many tears, had my heart pierced by a hundred arrows, and my soul dripping blood continuously. I’m being forced to be thrown back into society, to start interacting with strangers; to form meaningful connections with some, to be lied to and feel that I am undeserving and unloved by others, and then having to pick up the pieces and slowly put myself back together again ~ piece by piece.

I’ve started learning stories of people similar to my situation, whether they’re considering going through a divorce, are in the middle of one, or are still trying to heal from one. I attended the 13-week Divorce Care support group twice this year, and the same story keeps coming into play in the divorce ~ Addictions.

I still have such a long journey to go. I need to unlearn all the unhealthy patterns I was taught since childhood. I need to let go of all my codependent tendencies after being married to someone with an addictive personality for so long. I still worry about my ex, worried that he’ll be drinking and driving and end up in an accident or worse… I still worry about others and attend to their needs more than for myself.

I will allow myself to mourn for my past for the rest of 2022, the good and the bad, and then I will pick myself back up again.

🌹 Auld Lang Syne…

Auld Lang Syne

~ Robert Burns

Should old acquaintance be forgot
And never brought to mind
Should old acquaintance be forgot
And auld lang syne
For auld lang syne, my dear
For auld lang syne
We’ll take a cup of kindness yet
For auld lang syne

We two have paddled in the brook
From morning sun till dine
But seas between us broad have roared
Since auld lang syne
For auld lang syne, my dear
For auld lang syne
We’ll take a cup of kindness yet
For auld lang syne

And here’s a hand my trusty friend
And give a hand o’ thine
We’ll take a cup of kindness yet
For auld lang syne
For auld lang syne, my dear
For auld lang syne
We’ll take a cup of kindness yet
For auld lang syne

I’m slowly trying to heal from all of my past hurts, betrayals and heartbreaks. Some days are tougher than others, but I’m finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve been in two shorter-term relationships in the past where after we broke up, they asked me to go back to them and marry them. Incidentally, they’re both of the Scorpio Sun sign.

I am a firm believer in giving all my best in a relationship, and sometimes it may take months, or even years before I finally decide to let go. They may have even taken a piece of my heart with them and left me bleeding raw for a very long time. However, once I’m finally able to let it go, I never look back because I know that there was nothing more I could have done to save the relationship, and I can leave with no regrets. I also know that if I take that person back, then he may fall back into his old ways and we’ll just be forever entangled in this drama/trauma type of relationship. If we weren’t able to work things out while we were together, then it just wasn’t meant to be.

I may still love him for the rest of my life. However, the love has been transformed into a familial type of love, where I just wish him all the best and pray that he will always be happy, healthy, safe, and well-loved. If we had connected on a very deep level while we were together, then I’m even able to be good friends with them for the rest of our lives. However, I draw very clear lines between friendship and a romantic relationship, and I make sure we don’t ever cross that line, like with my ex-boyfriend, for instance. I hope that I will be able to maintain a good friendship with my soon-to-be ex-husband as well, as I will always care for him as a family member.

I’ve learned to start loving myself more as well. I deserve the best in life, just as everyone else does. If you truly love someone that you’re unable to work things out with, then set them free to be with their perfect mate. There is a brighter future ahead for all of us.

🌹 Love With No Regrets ~ Never Looking Back… 🌹

Never Looking Back

~ Elizabeth South

Sometimes I look back and
Hold on to regrets
When all the signs say time to move on
Sometimes the steps I take
And all decisions I make
Unravel and just come undone

Sometimes the troubles I face
And all I can’t erase
But at the end I have to move on
Sometimes the way I feel is
Stronger than what is real
And all I want to do is run
But I am not alone
And I will find my way home

Chorus:
Never gonna let my heart break
Open up a world that I make on my own
Gonna feel the wind in my face
Gonna start to live again
And I will be strong
I’m never looking back

Sometimes I look back at
Mistakes and I’ve lost track
And I don’t know how to let go
Sometimes I can’t hide
From all the doubting inside
I’m so afraid to let me show
The one I think I see
Is the one who has been set free

As time moves on
I’ll live in the moment of this song
As the rain falls round
I’ll let the walls come tumbling down
Fall down, Oh down

A friend recommended that I watch a YouTube video called “The Power of Vulnerability” by Brené Brown, which talks about having an open heart and being willing to be vulnerable in all of your relationships in order to experience true love and happiness. After watching the video, thinking of my past betrayals, and exploring the possibility of being willing to be vulnerable again in my relationships, I experienced a panic attack with anxiety, heart palpitations, and shortness of breath.

I have been doing so much emotional work this year to try and heal from all the heartbreaks, betrayals, deceptions, and broken promises that I have experienced, and I have finally started to feel better about myself and my life. However, after watching that video and having an emotional breakdown, I’ve just realized that there is still so much healing that I need to do.

It still hurts so bad! How can it still hurt so bad!?? I thought I had already forgiven everyone that has hurt me and betrayed me so badly in the past. I’ve been working so hard on forgiving and letting go, which is like sweeping the trash out of my home (my heart). And this concept of being vulnerable is like once again leaving my front door open so that anyone can come into my home (my heart) and destroy it all over again… This is the analogy that comes to mind for me at this phase in my life when I think of being vulnerable again in my relationships.

I don’t think I’m there yet. I’ve just started to finish my stage of forgiveness and letting go of the hurt that others have done to me. I’m now entering the phase of forgiving myself for allowing others to abuse me, whether it’s emotionally or physically. The next phase of my healing journey will be to become self-empowered and learn to set healthy boundaries.

Once I’m able to set healthy boundaries, then I can become vulnerable again, knowing deep inside that even if I get hurt again, I will be okay. It will still be painful, it will still hurt like hell. However, I will know when to draw the line, and I will heal fully.

If I gave the opportunity to you, then would you blow it?

If I was the greatest thing that happened to you, would you know it?

If my love was like a flower, would you plant it, would you grow it?

Vulnerable

~ Selena Gomez

If I gave you every piece of me, I know that you could drop it
Give you the chance, I know that you could take advantage once you got it
If I open up my heart to you, I know that you could lock it
Throw away the key and keep it there forever in your pocket

If I gave the opportunity to you, then would you blow it?
If I was the greatest thing that happened to you, would you know it?
If my love was like a flower, would you plant it, would you grow it?
I might give you all my body, are you strong enough to hold it?

If I show you all my demons
And we dive into the deep end
Would we crash and burn like every time before?
I would tell you all my secrets
Wrap your arms around my weakness
If the only other option’s letting go

I’ll stay vulnerable, yeah
I’ll stay vulnerable, yeah
I’ll stay vulnerable

If I hand you my emotions, would you even want to take it?
(Would you even want to take it? Yeah)
If I give you all my trust, then would you fumble it and break it?
(Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm)
If I let you cross my finish line, then would you wanna make it?
(Would you wanna make it? Would you wanna make it?)
I think I’m ready, won’t you come and flip the switch and activate it?
(Ooh)

If I show you all my demons
And we dive into the deep end
Would we crash and burn like every time before?
I would tell you all my secrets
Wrap your arms around my weakness
If the only other option’s letting go

I’ll stay vulnerable, yeah
I’ll stay vulnerable, yeah
I’ll stay vulnerable

If I show you all my demons
And we dive into the deep end
Would we crash and burn like every time before?
I would tell you all my secrets
Wrap your arms around my weakness
If the only other option’s letting go

I’ll stay vulnerable, yeah (yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’ll stay vulnerable, yeah (oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)

If I show you all my demons
And we dive into the deep end
Would we crash and burn like every time before? (I’ll stay vulnerable)
I would tell you all my secrets
Wrap your arms around my weakness
If the only other option’s letting go

I’ll stay vulnerable

I’m starting to train myself to become self-empowered. I’ve lived my entire life being a people-pleaser, always asking what others want. How to make them happy? How to meet their needs? How to act so that they will like me? To the extent that I’ve completely lost myself. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I need. I don’t know what to do in order to be happy?

After a string of unfortunate events, meeting bad people one after another, and getting burned inch-by-inch, I’ve finally put my foot down and said, “That’s Enough!”. No more people-pleasing, no more putting up with bad behaviors and no exceptions! I’ve started to have this newfound freedom and realization that I really Do Not want to have any kind of drama in my life. That means, no drama-kings, no drama-queens, no mind games, no players, no liars, no cheaters, and no anything that does not serve my highest good. After setting that intention, I’ve slowly been able to get in touch with my true self and ask myself, “What do I want?”, “What are the qualities of a person that I’m looking for?”, “Can this person add more value to my life, or will this person drain my energy?”.

I’m also starting to slowly discover what makes ME happy, instead of everyone else? For one, I’ve realized that I am really a traditional person in many ways. My one and only favorite sex position is the missionary position (I consider myself on top to be part of it as well). When I was with my ex-boyfriend and we had sex every single day for the first year we were together, it was always in the missionary position. Once in a while, he’ll want to try out the doggie position, or 69, and I’m all for experimenting once in a while. But that’s where it stays, once in a while…

When I had sex with a man 10 years younger than me (a long time ago), and he even had a threesome before, he said that I was the best sex ever, and this was in the missionary position, and with me on top as well.

I’m really not into any kind of fetish whatsoever. If the guy wants to have oral, that’s fine. However, he better have had flossed his teeth, brushed his teeth, rinsed his mouth thoroughly, and not contaminate himself throughout the process. I have autoimmune issues, and the last thing I need is to catch an infection because the guy is not being germ-aware of what he’s doing to me down there.

Call me boring, call me vanilla, call me being too careful if you’d like. But you know what? This is my body. This is my life. I did not go through the entire dental education just to be with someone that is unable to respect not contaminating people with germs. Just because you can not see them, does not mean they don’t exist, and it does not mean that they can not create havoc and even long-term detrimental effects to your life.

I also know that “Baby Pink” is my favorite color, and I like having short hair. I don’t know why I meet so many men who are attracted to me when I have short hair. Yet, they expect me to now grow my hair long for them. If you like women with long hair, then Don’t even bother talking to women with short hair, OK? If you like women who wear high heels and fancy dresses, then I am definitely not for you as I wear t-shirts and yoga pants every single day. If you like women who put on tons of makeup and perfume, then I am definitely not for you as I have multiple chemical sensitivities. And, even if I didn’t have multiple chemical sensitivities, I still will not wear makeup and perfume because I do not like having anything that is Fake in my life. I like to be the best version of myself 24/7 whether I’m out and about, or have just woken up. WYSIWYG (What You See Is What You Get) is my motto in life. I don’t like anything or anyone that is Fake or Disingenuous.

If I see you doing shit, then I will call you out. I will not act dumb and play along with your idiotic ways of thoughts and behaviors. If you want to keep secrets and lies, then take them with you to your grave and stay away from me!

THIS IS ME, TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT!

I’ve not just been “Through The Rain”, I’ve been “Through The Tornado”. I almost died at the beginning of this year and by the grace of God, I survived. I will not ever live my life in a disingenuous way, either to myself or others, ever again. I am certain now that I will be Just FINE, being ON MY OWN!

Through The Rain

When you get caught in the rain
With nowhere to run
When you’re distraught and in pain
Without anyone
When you keep crying out to be saved
But nobody comes
And you feel so far away
That you just can’t find your way home
You can get there alone
It’s okay, once you say

I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I’m strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I make it through the rain

And if you keep falling down
Don’t you dare give in
You will arise safe and sound
So keep pressing on steadfastly
And you’ll find what you need to prevail
Once you say

I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I’m strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I make it through the rain

And when the wind blows
As shadows grow close
Don’t be afraid
There’s nothing you can’t face
And should they tell you
You’ll never pull through
Don’t hesitate
Stand tall and say

I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I’m strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I’ll make it through the rain

I can make it through the rain
And stand up once again
And I live one more day, and I
I can make it through the rain
Oh yes, you can
You’re gonna make it through the rain

Growing up, we were taught that in order to be considered a “Beautiful Girl”, you had to grow your hair long, put on tons of makeup, wear a nice perfume, act sexually alluring, and be submissive to your man.

That doesn’t work for me, even if I wanted it to. I have multiple chemical sensitivities, so I can forget about putting on perfume or makeup. I wash my hair every single night and I like having short hair. I do listen to my man, growing up with a father who is a male chauvinist (I still love you dearly, Dad). However, I was raised in Western countries, where women are also allowed to have a voice, so I’m kinda mixed in that sense.

I was also raised in a culture where “Saving Face” is very important to a man. Therefore, I will let my man have his say when we’re out and about. However, once we’re home, I’m the Queen. My ex actually kind of understands that and respects that unspoken rule we have, which is pretty cool.

As I grow older, I start to contemplate what truly makes a “Beautiful Girl”? I believe now that it is someone who lives an authentic life, and honors their truth. Being an empath, I am constantly aware of what is expected of me to say and do, even if it’s against what I believe in. Now, I’m reminding myself each and every day to live my authentic self and to honor my truth. How can I expect others to respect me and love me if I can’t even respect and love myself? How can I truly respect and love others, if I can’t even do that for myself?

Here’s to a Beautiful Girl! 🌹

Beautiful Girl

~ Pete Droge & the Sinners

I woke up near rittenhouse square
There was noise in the hall; snow was flowing in the air
And I could see just then the flashing spark
Of the match to my first smoke

Some houses are built to last
It’s the couple inside that change too fast
I can see their faces looking through the glass
They’re not where they belong

I want to stay with you, babe.
Won’t you let me stay?
You’re a beautiful girl.
I’m right where I belong, babe.
I’m here with you.
You’re a beautiful girl.

I see your feet at the edge of the bed
While an old love song is creeping into your head
And as your eyes just closed I could only guess
If you were dreaming of me again

Stained glass casts a flickering light
With the curtains closed I can’t tell if it’s night
But I know for sure that this sure feels right
With you here between my arms

I want to stay with you, babe.
Won’t you let me stay?
You’re a beautiful girl.
I’m right where I belong, babe.
I’m here with you.
You’re a beautiful girl.

And I hope that you can take me
When I’m going out of my head.
And I hope that you will keep me
Keep me warm in your bed.

This Mandarin Taiwanese Song, translated as “The Ancient Moon Shines Upon the Present Ashes” speaks of the fall of the Republic of China (that retreated to Taiwan in 1949), and how we will rebuild our country again. It makes me think of my marriage and my life in general…

This song speaks that every night, we look at the moon that has been around since ancient times, shining down on the ashes of the earth, yet not realizing how much history lies within these ashes. How many dynasties and empires have risen and fallen in these ashes? Does anyone know? Does anyone care?

I gave it my all for this marriage. I put in my blood, sweat, tears, commitment, and love into this marriage for 15 years. My empire has fallen. It has now been burned to the ground and all that is left are ashes of this earth. Does anyone know? Does anyone care?

I CARE!!! I AM REBUILDING MY EMPIRE AGAIN, ON MY OWN!!! Only someone that is worthy of me will ever be accepted into my empire again! If not, then so be it!

古月照今塵

The Ancient Moon Shines Upon the Present Ashes

~ 文章

一部春秋史　千年孤臣淚

A history of Spring and Autumn, the millennial tears of lone courtier.

成敗難長久　興亡在轉瞬間

Victory and failure are scarcely permanent, the vicissitude changes fleetly.

總在茶餘後　供於後人說

Always chatted about, by posterity after tea;

多少辛酸　　話因果

So much misery tells the cause and effect.

百戰舊河山　古來功難全

In the hundreds of wars of the country in olden days, honor was hard to be achieved since ancient times.

江山幾局殘　荒城重拾何年

However many times has the land been separated? Whatever year can be rediscovered in the ruined town?

文章寫不盡　幽幽滄桑史

No articles can record the whole vicissitude.

悲歡歲月　　盡無情

The days of sorrow and joy, are all ruthless.

長江長千里　黃河水不停

Thousand-mile long the Yangtze River, unceasingly running the Yellow River.

江山依舊人事已非

Country as before, but the people not,

只剩古月照今塵

Only the ancient moon shines upon the present ashes.

莫負古聖賢　效歷朝英雄

Don’t disappoint the past sages, and emulate the heroes of each era.

再造一個輝煌的漢疆和唐土

Rebuild a country as mighty as Han and Tang Dynasty.

再造一個輝煌的漢疆和唐土

Rebuild a country as mighty as Han and Tang Dynasty.

Source(s):

Lyrics Translate: Link

Colors of the Wind in the Disney movie “Pochahontas” talks about loving our precious planet and accepting people for who they are. There’s someone who has been harassing me since the beginning of this year and I’ve finally had it!

I’ve had many chiropractor classmates at my acupuncture school and they would provide me with chiropractic adjustments back then. I had a very bad neck adjustment performed by someone who was not trained to do so and two major car accidents previously, so I’ve always had a lot of neck tension and neck pain. DS was one of the chiropractors who took some acupuncture classes with me at my acupuncture school back then.

I had a study buddy SM and we got along well and often did fun things together outside of school as well. One year, we decided to attend a popular Halloween costume party together (along with his fiancee, and my boyfriend at the time) and he took me to JoAnn to buy my “Snow White” costume materials and even helped me sew the entire costume himself.

I guess DS already liked me from that time and when we were in class together, he started telling me bad things that SM has said about me. SM and I went through a period where we started becoming more and more distant from each other. However, I valued our friendship a lot and decided to confront him about the bad things he had said to DS about me. That was when SM told me that DS had also been telling him that I’d been saying bad things about SM. I couldn’t believe that DS would be such a pathological liar and psychopath, to actually make up this sick plan of trying to break up the friendship between SM and myself! After that incident, SM and I decided that if DS ever tells us again that we’ve been saying bad things about each other, to then ask each other if that’s true or if DS made that up again.

That was the horrible impression of the kind of person DS left in my mind during the short period of time that we had classes together.

After obtaining my California Acupuncture license, I moved to Orange County because of my work. One day, out of the blue, DS contacted me and asked to meet up. Being the forgiving person that I am, I decided to let go of the past and did not even confront DS about the shady things he did to SM and me while we were attending acupuncture school together. DS and I met up a few times and then once again, he disappeared from my life. Since I never had any romantic inclinations towards him or even liked him that much as a friend (especially because he likes to play mind games and cause drama in people’s lives), I didn’t think much of it and just carried on with my life as usual. That was the last time I heard from him, which was over 15 years ago.

DS contacted me at the beginning of January 2022, using my contact form on my professional website https://chinese-medicine-doc.com saying that he incidentally came across my website and asked how I was doing. I found out later on that it was definitely not by chance that he came across my professional website. In fact, he had been spying on me and reading all of my journal entries on this personal website, “Lotus Soul” for a very long time already.

What defines a psychopath? Someone who thinks he’s invincible and can get away with lies, however stupid they may be. They are also opportunists who will prey on someone that they think is weaker than them. DS emailed me back and forth with a whole bunch of lies. He told me I said things back then, which I knew for certain were lies. He preyed upon my having PTSD with dissociation and the fact that we spoke over 15 years ago (so may not remember everything precisely) to make up anything he felt like saying. Well, you’ve underestimated me, DS, you dumb ass idiot!

He told me things that made me suspect that he actually knows about this personal website of mine, which I do not advertise on my social media since I am journaling about private things in my life, and do not want my friends to know about them. When I emailed DS with my suspicion, he flat-out denied knowing about this website, until I provided him with proof, and then he started apologizing for lying about it. One of the worst lies he told me was that I told him over 15 years ago that I am going to move back to Taiwan and take care of my sister. That was the ultimate give away that he knows about “Lotus Soul” and is making up stuff about what I said to him over 15 years ago. My sister was in a very stable condition 15 years ago. In fact, her mental condition only started to deteriorate about 3 years ago when my father started having dementia. It was only in the recent years that I started considering moving back to Taiwan to take care of my sister. Otherwise, I love living in the US and had never thought about leaving the US or moving back to Taiwan. The only reason I will be moving back to Taiwan now is to take care of my ill sister, who is now institutionalized for life.

After confronting DS about his lies, I told him with kindness that I am Not interested in him romantically, but that we can be Just friends. He turned even more psycho on me after that, and in one of his emails, he made it seem as if we were dating back then over 15 years ago, and that one day, I just left him and married my soon-to-be ex-husband. That was when I realized that he really needs psychiatric help as he seems to be suffering from delusions as well if he truly believes what he’s saying.

DS was actually born in Bloomington MN, and then moved to CA with his parents later on in life. He told me in his email correspondences that he used to be a member of some sick S&M club in California, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s also a member of some sick online forums and connecting with people back in MN as well.

I journaled about attending the Divorce Care group on “Lotus Soul” and DS knows which city I’m in, so he can easily do a search to find out what time the group meeting is. One time, a woman started telling us that she suffers from PTSD with dissociation. Firstly, this is a Divorce Care group, not a PTSD group. No one will go around and tell people that they have PTSD, and to be so specific in saying that she has dissociation, really made me wonder if this was planned. She also never came back again after that one session. I also shared during that session about becoming more interested in understanding Christianity but was totally taken aback when I read bible scriptures stating that divorce is a sin. I cried so much during that Divorce Care session.

It was strange enough to have that woman show up for that one and only time telling everyone that she has PTSD with dissociation, but what made me realize that this was most likely some sick friend that DS sent over to mess with my brain (knowing that I’m already suffering from PTSD with dissociation) was that the very next morning (03/23/22), DS emailed me and specifically spoke about my dissociation, and he also said this below, out of the blue, which was never discussed in any of our email correspondences:

MEMORY LANE
When I was going to the University of Minnesota, 1979 – 1981, we always looked forward to the “Devil Destroyers” visiting our campus. They were a group of evangelist Christians that tried to get people to accept Jesus Christ as their personal savior. They came on the main campus, usually on a Sunday, and we would form a circle around them. The main speaker sat on a round board that turned. He would point his finger to the crowd, as the board slowly spun, and yell out, “SINNERS! SINNERS! SINNERS! YOU ARE ALL SINNERS!” And then he would give us a lecture. I only remember one of the lectures. He yelled out to the crowd and asked, “Do you know what the number one hit of all time is? The hit from the devil that has penetrated all of your sinner minds?” Some people responded, “CALL ME, by Blondie” or “Another Brick In The Wall, by Pink Floyd.” He yelled out, “NO! It’s ‘All You Need Is Love, by The Beatles.” He told us the song isn’t true. All you need is to accept Jesus into your life. That’s all I remember. Back in those days, school spirit was huge. I remember when the Cheerleaders set up a bonfire at night and gave cheers to the football team.

DS also asked me in that same email about my chiropractor in Maple Grove. In fact, he has asked me a few times about him because he read from my previous journal entries how my chiropractor in Maple Grove was taking advantage of my PTSD with dissociation in trying to make me develop romantic feelings towards him. So, I guess DS saw my chiropractor as a competitor and will probably want his sick friends in MN to do something to him as well. I’ve never disclosed anything about my chiropractor in Maple Grove to DS since I know how sick DS is, and I’ve decided to forgive my chiropractor for all the harm he has caused me in the past.

Whenever I confront DS about his lies, he’ll either send me emails apologizing profusely (but then start up with some other mind games later on), not reply back, or send me an email from another email address talking about an entirely new topic and pretending as if my previous email never existed. I even wonder if DS has multiple personalities as well?

Even after I’ve told DS respectfully multiple times to stop emailing me, he’ll think of another lie/excuse to email me again. The last one was about 2 months ago when he said that he’s been donating to a charity organization (which I found out was discontinued for over 15 years now) and would like to give a portion of that money to me instead. Knowing that I always do my due diligence and will reply back to tell him that I know he’s lying, he then used that as an excuse to start communicating with me again. He even sent me emails of gifting me one of his houses and providing me with $2000/month just to be with him. He also sent me an email of explicit disgusting details of the sexual acts he will perform on me if we were together. I told him (08/24/22) that he’d have to at least give me $1M upfront, knowing that that will very unlikely happen, and then he stopped corresponding for a while.

He started emailing me again later on with some random topics and I decided to just email him back every 2 to 3 weeks, seeing that we were classmates from over 15 years ago and he’s all alone and suffering from health ailments. However, that did not go well with him, so he first resend the same email and then texted me a few days later saying he was worried that I did not receive his email. I texted back to say that I did and that I plan on replying back to his emails every 2-3 weeks, so then he decided to just start texting me to hear back from me right away.

I keep on believing that people can change for the better and that we all deserve a second chance (and in his case, the tenth chance), so I texted him back. He was texting me again last Friday and our conversation went okay. However, a friend of mine and I had dinner together on Friday (10/21/22) and I posted the photos on this website Friday night. I guess DS saw it and was livid that I was having dinner with someone so he sent me an email on Saturday titled “Humor Video”. He didn’t say anything in the email except that, “I don’t know how to do this with my cell phone.”, It was the most racist, vile, disgusting video I have ever seen in my life. It was making fun of this Asian woman with people constantly telling her that she is a fucking piece of shit. I just knew then that this was what DS wanted to tell me, that I am a fucking piece of shit for having dinner with someone else the night before. That was also when I realized that he is obsessed to the point of being pathological and that he is a psychopath who will never change.

I replied back saying that it was disturbing that he was sending me this racist video, that’s once again making fun of Asians. Then, later on, he texts me asking if I received his email of his “Humor Video” since it’s showing on his end that it wasn’t sent. This guy is not capable of speaking the truth, he can only lie through his ass. I wonder if that’s how he’s been getting by his entire life? I even replied back to his email and here he is, texting me with this lie, hoping that I will once again communicate with him, but now through texts instead. He then started bombarding me with a whole bunch of texts apologizing and pretending that he didn’t know it was unacceptable to send me this horrible racist video. I just texted him back three sentences, telling him to stop trying my patience, and then decided to stop replying to his texts.

The next morning, he emailed me another email titled “Do These Videos Put A Smile On Your Face?”. I forwarded that email with the two attached videos to my friend and asked him to check and see if those are sick racist videos again since I don’t want to be traumatized by DS emotionally and psychologically again. My friend said they are just some dog videos and warned me that these attachments are how hackers gain access to your accounts. I was wondering first off, where did he get these videos from? Most people just watch videos on YouTube, and if they want to share them, they just share the link. I decided to not ever open any attachments that DS sends me again since it is very likely that he will try to hack my accounts and devices, especially now that I am not responding back to him.

This guy has some money, and plenty of spare time to screw with people’s lives. I told someone previously that if I disappear one day, to notify the police that DS has most likely abducted me back to San Bernardino County, CA, which is where he currently lives.

These are the kinds of people I’ve experienced my entire life. Losers, whom when I kindly tell them that I am not interested in them romantically, will then turn nasty and vindictive towards me. I’m done with putting up with this kind of bullshit! DS is the worst psycho I’ve ever met in my life, but there are others as well, just not to such a sick degree. Another acupuncture classmate of mine, CC, which I also rejected back then has since then been throwing shade at me on social media (and at school back then) whenever he sees an opportunity to do so. These morons think that just because I look so cute and innocent, and am so sweet and kind, that they can treat me however badly they want to since I don’t want to be with them romantically. Well, you are wrong! I have so much resiliency and inner strength that Nothing and No One will ever break me down! You may be able to kick me to the ground once or twice, but I will always get up and I become stronger after each fall! I have not yet kicked your ass, only because I am a kind person, but don’t try my patience!

So, here we are, DS. I have dedicated this long journal entry to exposing the kind of sick psychopath you truly are since you love causing drama in my life and continue to spy on me and read my journal entries, even though I explicitly emailed you in writing to stop looking at anything to do with me on 03/25/22. And I want to stress this, WE HAVE NEVER EVEN HELD HANDS! I HAVE ZERO ROMANTIC INTEREST IN YOU WHATSOEVER! I have provided a friend with your details if anything should ever happen to me, God Forbid!

LEAVE ME ALONE DS, OR I WILL FILE A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST YOU, YOU SICK RACIST BASTARD!!! You Need to Get Psychiatric Help!

Colors of the Wind

~ Lea Salonga

You think I’m an ignorant savage
And you’ve been so many places
I guess it must be so
But still I cannot see
If the savage one is me
How can there be so much that you don’t know?
You don’t know …

You think you own whatever land you land on
The Earth is just a dead thing you can claim
But I know every rock and tree and creature
Has a life, has a spirit, has a name

You think the only people who are people
Are the people who look and think like you
But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger
You’ll learn things you never knew you never knew

Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon
Or asked the grinning bobcat why he grinned?
Can you sing with all the voices of the mountains?
Can you paint with all the colors of the wind?
Can you paint with all the colors of the wind?

Come run the hidden pine trails of the forest
Come taste the sunsweet berries of the Earth
Come roll in all the riches all around you
And for once, never wonder what they’re worth

The rainstorm and the river are my brothers
The heron and the otter are my friends
And we are all connected to each other
In a circle, in a hoop that never ends

How high will the sycamore grow?
If you cut it down, then you’ll never know
And you’ll never hear the wolf cry to the blue corn moon

For whether we are white or copper skinned
We need to sing with all the voices of the mountains
We need to paint with all the colors of the wind

You can own the Earth and still
All you’ll own is Earth until
You can paint with all the colors of the wind

I’ve been going through the EFT Tapping book called “Manifesting Your Greatest Self” and following along with their daily tapping meditations. I haven’t been going through it thoroughly, but I decided to at least commit myself to doing the tapping meditations daily.

Today’s topic is on being at peace with who you are, what you feel, and where you are in life right now.

I have always been very tough on myself. Nothing I do is ever good enough. I’m not smart enough, pretty enough, rich enough, successful enough, etc., etc., etc… ENOUGH of that! I’ve had enough!!!

All my life, I’ve been searching for love, to be loved, and to be accepted as who I am. Yet, failing to recognize that in order to be loved, and to love others, I need to first love myself. This greatest love in my life which I’ve been searching for my entire life starts with loving myself first.

I am going to accept my current circumstances and work through them. You can not resolve problems by avoiding them. The only way to resolve problems is by going through them, accepting them, resolving them, and then letting go.

I am going to stop beating myself up over every little thing I do that is not good enough, that is not perfect. I am going to accept that I am flawed, that I am messed up right now. I am going to allow my emotions to heal and allow my body to heal.

This greatest love that I have been searching for all my life, starts with loving myself and accepting myself, flaws and all…

All My Life

~ K-Ci & JoJo

Baby, baby, baby, baby

Ooooooh

I’m so glad

I will never find another lover
Sweeter than you
Sweeter than you

And I will never find another lover
More precious than you
More precious than you

Girl you are
Close to me you’re like my mother
Close to me you’re like my father
Close to me you’re like my sister
Close to me you’re like my brother

And you are the only one, my everything
And for you this song I sing

All my life
I prayed for someone like you
And I thank God
That I
That I finally found you

All my life
I prayed for someone like you
And I hope that you feel the same way too
Yes, I pray that you do love me too

I’d so thankful that I’m thinking of
Baby
Said I promise to never fall in love
With a stranger
You’re all I’m thinking of
I praise the Lord above
For sending me your love
I cherish every hug
I really love you

All my life (ohhhh, baby, baby)
I prayed for someone like you
And I thank God
That I
That I finally found you
All my life
I prayed for someone like you
And I hope that you feel the same way too
Yes, I pray that you do love me too

You’re all that I’ve ever know
When you smile all my face always seems to glow
You turned my life around
You picked me up when I was down

You’re all that I’ve ever known
When you smile my face glows
You picked me up when I was down
Say, you’re all that I’ve ever known
When you smile my face glows

You picked me up when I was down
And I hope that you
Feel the same way too
Yes, I pray that you do love me too

All my life
I prayed for someone like you
And I thank God
That I
That I finally found you

All my life
I prayed for someone like you
Yes, I pray that you do love me too

All my life
I prayed for someone like you
And I thank God
That I
That I Finally Found You

All my life
I prayed for someone like you
Yes, I pray that you do love me too
All my life
I prayed for someone like you
And I thank God
That I
That I Finally Found You