🌺 Journal

I’ve been struggling a lot with depression lately. It took 2.5 years before we finally filed for divorce, but just a day to get approved by the judge. I feel a sense of relief, especially because my ex has been very irresponsible financially for the past few years; taking up loans, giving all his money away, and not even paying his huge amount of taxes for last year. But now that it’s over, I’m finally starting to mourn for all that is lost.

There are so many things I need to take care of now, from getting certified copies of my divorce decree and judgment, to getting a new social security card with my name changed, before I can do anything else. I find myself in a frozen state whenever I try to do something as simple as filling out a name change form. I feel like I’m walking through mud, and everything is happening in slow motion, or sometimes, not happening at all.

I bought a Mother’s Day card for my Mom, and I wrote a heartfelt message to her in Chinese:

“Dearest Mama,

You are the strongest person in the world. Your courage gives me the strength to carry on.

You are the best mother in the world.

I miss you all very much, and I look forward to being with you all again soon.

Happy Mother’s Day!“

In the past, I’d write on one side, and my ex would write on the other of the greeting cards. Now, it’s just me.

I wanted to send my sister a card as well but couldn’t, because she’d then ask why my ex didn’t write to her? She doesn’t know that I’m divorced. No one does, except for my Mom.

When I tried to fill out the envelope, I couldn’t. I finally forced myself to write my maiden name in the “From” section. As if that wasn’t sad enough, I’m struggling to fill out the “To” section. Whenever I mailed anything to my family, I always addressed it to my Dad, as a form of respect. But now, I can no longer address it to him…

Everything has changed in my life. My Dad is gone. My sister is institutionalized. I am divorced, and my name has changed. I have to find my self-identity all over again.

I still can’t write the “From” section. If I do, then it’s true that my Dad is gone. I just told someone not long ago that sometimes I’m still in a state of denial, as I still can’t believe that I will never see my Dad again. Maybe I’ll try again tomorrow.

It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday…

It’s So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday

~ Boyz II Men

… How do I say goodbye to what we had?
The good times that made us laugh
Outweigh the bad

… I thought we’d get to see forever
But forever’s gone away
It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday

… I don’t know where this road
Is going to lead
All I know is where we’ve been
And what we’ve been through

… And if we get to see tomorrow
I hope it’s worth all the wait
It’s hard to say goodbye to yesterday

… And I’ll take with me the memories
To be my sunshine after the rain
It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday

… And I’ll take with me the memories
To be my sunshine after the rain
It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday

My Microsoft Onedrive emails a collection of photos “On this day.” Today’s email shows photos from the morning after my ex proposed to me on 04/18/08. He took me to a fancy restaurant in downtown LA, and booked the iconic Beverly Hilton hotel, where many famous people have stayed in the past.

My ex told the staff in advance that he was proposing to me that night, and the staff kindly upgraded us to the Presidential Suite, which had been remodeled a few years ago and looked a lot different then. They also prepared champagne and chocolate-dipped strawberries for us. He went down on one knee and proposed to me. It was like a fairy tale come true.

Our divorce dragged on for 2.5 years. Yet, the judge signed the papers in less than a day. The court officially entered it in the records the next day, on my birthday.

It had to be done, but I’m still in shock. I still reminisce. I still mourn.

Every night, I’m dancing with your ghost…

Dancing With Your Ghost

~ Sasha Alex Sloan

Yelling at the sky
Screaming at the world
Baby, why’d you go away?
I’m still your girl
Holding on too tight
Head up in the clouds
Heaven only knows where you are now

How do I love, how do I love again?
How do I trust, how do I trust again?

I stay up all night, tell myself I’m alright
Baby, you’re just harder to see than most
I put the record on, wait ’til I hear our song
Every night, I’m dancing with your ghost
Every night, I’m dancing with your ghost

Never got the chance
To say a last goodbye
I gotta move on
But it hurts to try

How do I love, how do I love again?
How do I trust, how do I trust again?

I stay up all night, tell myself I’m alright
Baby, you’re just harder to see than most
I put the record on, wait ’til I hear our song
Every night, I’m dancing with your ghost
Every night, I’m dancing with your ghost

How do I love, how do I love again?
How do I trust, how do I trust again?

I stay up all night, tell myself I’m alright
Baby, you’re just harder to see than most
I put the record on, wait ’til I hear our song
Every night, I’m dancing with your ghost
Every night, I’m dancing with your ghost
Every night, I’m dancing with your ghost

I am officially divorced as of my birthday this year. We would have been married for 16 years in mid-June. This has been a long emotional journey since my ex-husband asked for a divorce on 12/05/21.

It took so long for various reasons, mostly because of him. Looking back, I don’t think I was emotionally ready either, so I unconsciously just allowed him to drag this on for 2.5 years.

Always Remember Us This Way is a song from the 2018 movie “A Star Is Born,” which shows the battles of seasoned musician Jackson Maine with his internal demons and alcohol addiction, and his love story with struggling artist Ally.

This movie struck deep down in my soul, as I had been battling with my codependency when it came to my ex-husband’s alcohol addiction and emotional issues, and I still do up to this day.

Due to his avoidant attachment style, he has avoided me since moving out on 10/01/22. Was it because he didn’t want to face the inevitable painful truth that we would finally be divorced? Or was it because he just didn’t care?

I finally had it on 03/29/24 and drove to his workplace spur-of-the-moment, praying that he’d be there, to ask him what his intentions were for continuously avoiding my texts and emails to meet up and sign the divorce papers. Thankfully, he was there, and their office entrance door was unlocked.

I walked into his office, closed the door, and calmly asked him why he had not responded to any of my texts or emails to meet up and sign the divorce papers? I told him it had been so long that even the version had changed. I had to print the new version out and fill everything out all over again.

I was shocked when I saw him because his face had grown larger. He was sitting down, so I couldn’t tell, but he said he had gained much weight due to all the stress. I think he looks fine, as he has always been on the underweight side. However, he never gained weight in the past due to stress. If anything, he wouldn’t have the appetite to eat and would lose weight under stress. I think it also had to do with me always making sure he had healthy food available at all times. He had probably been eating many takeout junk foods since he moved out.

My birthday was coming up soon, and somehow, I felt this intense drive not to allow any more time of my life to be left in limbo, where I was neither single nor married. He used to not be so worried when I was still arguing and fighting with him. However, when I became calm and collected with few words, he would get very worried. That was when he knew the matter was serious, and I was ready to let go.

My personality is such that it may take me a very long time to process something and let go. However, when that happens, which may seem sudden, I will be determined to make things happen. It then happens like a flip of the switch, that even I’m not consciously aware of myself. And when I’ve made my final decision, there is no turning back. As much pain as I may be in, I will make it happen. Then afterward, I can curl up in a corner and cry.

I did my duty up to the end. All these years, he’ll be the one giving me a command on what to do, and I will take care of the rest. All he will have to do is show up, or sign the paperwork, etc.

I packed everything for him when he told me in mid-September 2022 that he had found a place and would be moving out on 10/01/22. For some reason, whenever we move to a new place, he will always slip and fall on the first night when showering. It was so serious when we stayed at an Airbnb place in Taiwan that he had to go see the doctor and make sure he didn’t have any serious brain damage from hitting his head when falling. Since then, I have been on high alert and would always place the anti-slip mats in the bathtub before he takes a shower, then remove them afterward so that it doesn’t accumulate mold and mildew underneath.

I knew I would cry seeing him walking away for good on 10/01/22, so I intentionally left the house until late in the evening, when I was certain he had already moved out. I told him a few times before then that he was still welcome to stay, but since his decision was firm, I had no choice but to accept it and help him in any way I could.

I left a note on his suitcase telling him the most important thing to do once he arrives at his new place is to place the anti-slip mats in his bathtub. I even texted him that and asked him to text me back once he had done that.

Even after he moved out, I still asked him to text me all the groceries he wanted for the week. I bought them for him, asked him to let me know when he’d come over to pick them up, and made sure I was not home when he did so. I didn’t want to be there because it was too painful to say goodbye. This continued for over six months before he finally said he didn’t want that anymore and thanked me for it.

I handled all the paperwork and everything else required for our divorce filing. All he had to do was sign, just like all the other times in our marriage. I guess, in a way, that was a good way to end our marriage as the cycle has finally been completed.

I remember all the good times we’ve had, starting from the first time we met, which was supposed to just be a short meetup for afternoon tea, but ended up with us leaving the movie theatre in the wee hours the next day. He called me a few hours later and said he wanted us to be in a serious and committed relationship. He also said he wanted to pay for everything as that’s how he felt he would be taking care of me. This, I can say, is the one promise he has kept all this time.

Despite all the shitty things he has done, especially for the past 2.5 years, I know that he cares about me and does not wish me harm, especially regarding the final terms of our divorce agreement.

Thank you for our 16-year marriage. I have learned so many life lessons from being with you. We’ve had many happy times and many rough times. We may not be romantic partners for life, but I will always love you and care for you as a friend and family member. Thank you for loving me and caring for me as well.

I’ll always remember us this way…

Always Remember Us This Way

~ Lady Gaga

That Arizona sky burnin’ in your eyes
You look at me and, babe, I wanna catch on fire
It’s buried in my soul like California gold
You found the light in me that I couldn’t find

So when I’m all choked up
And I can’t find the words
Every time we say goodbye
Baby, it hurts
When the sun goes down
And the band won’t play
I’ll always remember us this way

Lovers in the night
Poets tryin’ to write
We don’t know how to rhyme
But, damn, we try
But all I really know
You’re where I wanna go
The part of me that’s you will never die

So when I’m all choked up
And I can’t find the words
Every time we say goodbye
Baby, it hurts
When the sun goes down
And the band won’t play
I’ll always remember us this way

Oh, yeah
I don’t wanna be just a memory, baby, yeah
Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo
Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo
Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo

So when I’m all choked up
And I can’t find the words
Every time we say goodbye
Baby, it hurts
When the sun goes down
And the band won’t play
I’ll always remember us this way, way, yeah
When you look at me
And the whole world fades
I’ll always remember us this way

Today’s my Dad’s birthday. 🎂 He would have turned 92 years old today.

Dad told Mom a long time ago that he’ll be content with living until 88 years old. I think he chose that age because the number 8 is considered to be a very lucky number in our culture. Ever since Dad started having memory loss a few years ago, we always wished him a Happy 88th Birthday on his birthday.

Mom said that the power of words is very strong. If Dad thinks he’s over 88 years old, then psychologically, it might lessen his will to live past that age. And since Dad likes the age 88 so much, we decided to always wish him a Happy 88th Birthday.

Dad, Mom, and my sister’s birthdays are all just a few days apart. My sister loves celebrating special occasions. She used to plan ahead for them months in advance, so I can imagine how these special occasions can affect her emotions strongly, now that she’s stuck in the institution and can no longer celebrate them.

The staff at the institution told my Mom recently that my sister has been emotionally unstable lately, and is constantly getting into arguments with other patients. They have to keep the institution in order and are considering transferring my sister back to the acute care unit where she will be heavily medicated once again. I told Mom to call them and let them know that my sister is emotionally unstable right now because of their birthdays coming up, and asked them to please be patient with her. My sister still does not know that Dad has passed away. I can’t imagine how emotionally upset she will become if she finds out one day.

Mom told me a few days ago that she dreamed of Dad. I asked her at what age was Dad in her dream? She said that he was probably in his 40s as we were all still young. She felt so happy dreaming of Dad and our family being together.

Mom, bro, and I are all trying to get our lives back to normal. I know Dad would want that of us. Bro told my Mom to join some community classes, and I’m so glad she signed up for two classes and will be starting them soon. I try to remember the happy memories I have with Dad whenever I think of him.

Dearest Daddy, Happy 88th Birthday! 🍰 I love you so much! 💗 I miss you more than life … 💐

I Miss You More Than Life (Ghost)

~ Justin Bieber

Youngblood thinks there’s always tomorrow
I miss your touch on nights when I’m hollow
I know you crossed a bridge that I can’t follow

Since the love that you left is all that I get
I want you to know

That if I can’t be close to you
I’ll settle for the ghost of you
I miss you more than life (more than life)
And if you can’t be next to me
Your memory is ecstasy
I miss you more than life
I miss you more than life

Youngblood thinks there’s always tomorrow
I need more time but time can’t be borrowed
I’d leave it all behind if I could follow

Since the love that you left is all that I get
I want you to know

That if I can’t be close to you
I’ll settle for the ghost of you
I miss you more than life (yeah)
And if you can’t be next to me
Your memory is ecstasy (oh)
I miss you more than life
I miss you more than life

Whoa
Na, na-na
More than life
(Oh)

So if I can’t get close to you
I’ll settle for the ghost of you
But I miss you more than life
And if you can’t be next to me
Your memory is ecstasy
I miss you more than life
I miss you more than life

The 7 Stages of Grief are Shock, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance & Hope, and Processing Grief. I find myself fluctuating between the different stages. Some days I feel normal, and then some days I feel very sad.

Sometimes I even ask myself what right do I have to mourn for my Dad? I wasn’t a good daughter, I was hardly by his side. I feel extreme sadness when I think about my Mom. I wonder how she is able to process through her grief? After Mom told me that Dad passed away, I made a commitment to talk to her every day, except when my brother goes over to see her twice a week in the evenings.

Mom and I have a lot to talk about, so we usually end up talking for an hour or longer. Since I call her in my mornings, which are her evenings, I find myself feeling stressed about having to wake up early so that she won’t have to wait for my call before going to bed. Every morning, as soon as I wake up, the first thing I say in my mind is, “I have to call my Mom”. I used to call her once or twice a week, so it took some getting used to talking to her for at least an hour a day, especially if there was something I needed to take care of in the mornings.

I have a group meeting on Friday mornings so when I call my Mom, I let her know that we’ll have to end the call at a certain time, and I feel bad when I have to do that. I told the group that my Dad passed away and my Mom is all alone now, so I have to call her every morning. I asked if they could move the meeting back by 30 minutes so that I wouldn’t have to cut her short. Thankfully, they kindly agreed to it. I told my Mom the next day at the end of our call that we wouldn’t have to feel rushed during our call on Fridays anymore. I thought I heard Mom sobbing softly but then held back. I guess it reminded her of my Dad’s passing and her being all alone now. I guess she also felt like she had become a burden to me. I felt so sad, but I didn’t have the courage to ask her if she was sobbing because I didn’t know how to comfort her at that moment.

It took some getting used to calling her every day for an hour or longer, and I’ve been trying to calm myself to not be in an anxious mode of having to call her right away as soon as I wake up every morning. I told myself that I made a commitment to do so, and I reminded myself how she and Dad took such great care of me my entire life. There were times when I was going through a very rough patch with my ex, and I would call my family every single morning to vent. They always listened to me and never made me feel like I was a burden to them. I don’t want Mom to ever feel like she’s a burden to me again. A few days ago, I suddenly had a realization that I enjoy talking to my Mom every day. It was just like the good ‘ol days when I was young, and every day after I came home from school, Mom would ask how my day went, and I would tell her all about it.

Now Mom calls me when she wakes up, which are my evenings. She said that way I won’t have to worry about having to wake up early, especially if I didn’t sleep well the night before. And if she doesn’t call me in the evening, then I’ll call her the next morning. I’ve also noticed that Mom has started opening up to me more and telling me about her worries, especially regarding my sister. I can’t quite grasp the difference from before, since we have always been talking about how my sister is doing in the institution. However, I think in the past, Mom has always tried to act very strong, but now I can start to feel that she’s more willing to be vulnerable to me when it comes to her feelings.

In the past, Mom would let me vent and try to comfort me. However, lately, I’ve also noticed that she will start to correct me if she feels that I’m at fault. I could sense that with Dad’s passing, Mom has realized that she may also pass away at any time, we all could. I think she feels a sense of responsibility to try and help me become a better person so that I won’t have to suffer from the consequences of my own wrongdoings. I’ve always told Mom that I’m an Aries, so I speak before I think, and when I’m very angry, verbal diarrhea comes foaming out of my mouth. However, once I’m able to say how I feel, then I can become normal again. Unfortunately, it could take the person on the receiving end of the stick a long time before they can regain their composure. This is mainly with people I’m close with, as I feel more at ease to let them know how I truly feel. I couldn’t for the longest time understand why when my ex and I got into an argument, once I was done with saying what I wanted to say, I could then switch back to being normal fairly quickly. However, it may take him hours, or even days, before he could feel normal again.

I tried to defend myself by telling Mom that I’m not a violent person and I don’t break stuff when I’m angry. Therefore, it takes me having to say a lot of things (some of which may be hurtful) in order to let all of my anger out. Mom has been reminding me that sometimes words can make someone feel so devastated that they’ll want to kill themself. I thought about cyberbullying in the news, and many teenagers end up killing themselves because of the horrible things that were said about them on social media. So, this is what I’m working on now to improve myself. When I see red, I will first tell myself to Stop. Stop thinking, stop speaking, stop doing anything, and just take deep breaths. Once I feel more calm, I can then try to process what happened, and voice my thoughts in a more civilized way.

I’m happy now waiting for Mom to call me every day so that I can call her back. Mom said she really thought Dad was going to make it. Dad’s passing made her realize how any of us can just be gone so easily. Life is precious and life is fragile. We have to appreciate life and make the best of it every day. With the way Mom handled Dad’s passing, I know there’s a possibility she may tell my brother not to let me know if she passes away, until at least after 24 hours have passed.

It’s very hard for me to open up to my deepest emotions. However, I no longer want to live a life with regrets, as I have with Dad. I understand and forgive my Mom for not letting me know of my Dad’s illness, and even of his passing away. I also forgive myself for not being there with Dad when he was suffering and not being able to say goodbye to him one last time. I’ve been reminding myself every day to be more emotionally vulnerable when I speak with Mom, and let her know how I truly feel. I also make sure she knows how much I appreciate and love her every single time we speak on the phone.

Everyone hurts and Everyone cries. Hold tight for everyday life…

Everyday Life

~ Coldplay

What in the world are we going to do?
Look at what everybody’s going through
What kind of world do you want it to be?
Am I the future or the history?

‘Cause everyone hurts
Everyone cries
Everyone tells each other all kinds of lies
Everyone falls
Everybody dreams and doubts
Got to keep dancing when the lights go out

How in the world I am going to see?
You as my brother
Not my enemy?

‘Cause everyone hurts
Everyone cries
Everyone sees the color in each other’s eyes
Everyone loves
Everybody gets their hearts ripped out
Got to keep dancing when the lights go out
Gonna keep dancing when the lights go out
Hold tight for everyday life
Hold tight for everyday life

At first light
Throw my arms out open wide
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelu-halle-hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelu-halle-hallelujah
Yes

I have been experiencing an array of emotions lately, swinging from one end of the spectrum to the other. I think the main reason is that July 30th was the 49th day of my Dad’s passing, so now I can finally start to mourn for him like how a normal person would mourn for the loss of a loved one. A lot of other things happened at around the same time as well and the main theme all involved the grieving of a loss.

Lately, most of the time, I just feel annoyed. I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel. Honestly speaking, I’m upset that my Mom hid the whole thing about my Dad’s illness from me, and was even planning on telling me about it only a few days after he had passed away. I didn’t get to see my Dad for one last time. I didn’t even get to speak to him on the phone for one last time. I didn’t get to say my final goodbye to my Dad!!!

Mom said that when Dad was in the ICU, he kept on trying to pull the tube out of his nose and he kept on yelling and saying that he wants to go home. Mom said that when Dad finally came home and laid down on their bed, he never opened his eyes or spoke again. Mom tried to feed him liquid nutrients but he could hardly take anything in. Mom even tried to forcefully feed him the nutrients at times, because she truly believed that Dad would recover and he needed the nutrients in order to become stronger. Everything happened so fast. Dad was taken to the hospital on June 2nd and he passed away on June 12th. Mom saw that Dad was sleeping so she wanted to quickly go and get some groceries. She only left for about 20 minutes but when she came home, Dad was gone.

Mom has been through so much suffering in her life; from being given away as a toddler, being abused by her stepmother, the passing away of her birth mother in Taiwan while my Dad was stationed in the US, my sister becoming ill at such a young age, the passing away of her stepmother, sending my sister away to the psychiatric institution, the passing away of their cat (that my Dad and she saw as their fourth child), and now the passing away of my Dad whom she has been with for over sixty years. My sister’s illness changed Mom’s life completely. She said that the only reason she didn’t have a nervous breakdown was because she knew that if she did, then our family would fall apart for good. My Dad buried himself in his work, my brother started arguing with my parents all the time (blaming them for my sister’s illness), and I started experiencing pain and illnesses all over my body. Mom was born a Buddhist and my sister’s illness caused her to decide to go to Pure Land Nirvana so that she will never have to reincarnate and suffer again.

She has been telling me all these years how important it is during the first 24 hours after someone has passed away to not touch their body, cry, or do anything that may stir up their emotions, which may in turn prevent them from following Buddha to Pure Land Nirvana. My brother has also become a devout Pure Land Buddhist over the years so he also wanted to make sure that they follow those practices rigidly after my Dad passed away. Mom said that when she told my brother on video chat that my Dad had just passed away, my brother’s eyes were moist, but he held back his tears. Mom also became very calm and did not allow herself to cry. She did not touch Dad’s body for 24 hours and only called the Buddhist funeral service after that to collect his body. Dad’s spirit may still linger around for 49 days after his passing, and that’s why we should still try our best not to cry.

I asked Mom why she didn’t tell me that Dad was ill and she said it was because she truly thought that Dad would recover fully. I believe what she said, but I know it’s also because she’s scared that I may then fly back to Taiwan to see my Dad, and if he doesn’t make it, then I’ll end up crying non-stop, which may cause Dad to want to reincarnate again and not go to Pure Land Nirvana. I think I believe that Mom did the right thing. However, I also feel sad that I wasn’t even given a chance to decide for myself whether I wanted to fly back to see Dad or not, and I never got to say my final goodbye to Dad.

Sometimes, I can’t help but wonder when lying in bed and unable to speak or open his eyes, if Dad was hoping that he could see me and my sister one last time, or at least be able to hear our voices on the phone one last time? Was Dad hoping for that? Was Dad waiting for us?

Dad became very ill the day after he got to see my sister on video chat. This was the first time my sister and my Dad saw each other after 3 years. I think that maybe after seeing that my sister is being taken care of, Dad finally felt that he can stop fighting the virus so hard, and just allow himself to rest and collapse. I also think that when Dad knew that he wasn’t going to make it, he wanted to wait for Mom to leave the house before departing from this earth because it would be too painful for Mom to see him dying right in front of her eyes.

I totally understand why my Mom didn’t tell me that Dad was ill, or that he had passed away. However, I also feel profound sadness that I didn’t get to talk to my Dad one last time. I didn’t tell Dad that I love him so much. I didn’t apologize to Dad for letting him down. He was so proud that I became a dentist, but I totally let him down. When I came back from England to Taiwan, I shipped all of my dental books and notes back with me. I left them all at my parent’s home when I came to the US. I told my parents a long time ago to throw them all away as I will never practice dentistry again. However, Dad told Mom to keep everything, just in case I change my mind one day.

I’m so sorry Dad, I wasted all of your money all these years, getting three degrees, but then not putting them to use. I’m so sorry I let you down. Can you please forgive me, Dad? I’m so sorry I never said to you “I love you” except for one time on the phone not long before you passed away. I’m not even sure you heard me say it. Mom said that you did, but did you, Dad? Did you hear me say “I love you”? Did you know how much I love you? I’m so sorry I did not hug you enough. I’m so sorry I did not come back to Taiwan to visit you after Covid struck. You always told me that you’re so proud of me, but I feel that I have let you down so much. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you when you were suffering. I’m so sorry I didn’t say goodbye to you one last time.

I Wish It Would Rain Down

~ Phil Collins

You know I never meant to see you again
But I only passed by as a friend, yeah
All this time I stayed out of sight
I started wondering why

Now I, ooh, now I wish it would rain down, down on me
Ooh, yes, I wish it would rain, rain down on me now
Ooh, yes, I wish it would rain down, down on me
Ooh, yes, I wish it would rain on me

You said you didn’t need me in your life
Oh, I guess you were right, yeah
Ooh, I never meant to cause you no pain
But it looks like I did it again, yeah

Now I, now I know I wish it would rain down, down on me
Ooh, yes, I wish it would rain, rain down on me now
Ooh, girl, I wish it would rain down, down on me
Ooh, yes, I wish it would rain on me

Though your hurt is gone
Mines hanging on inside
And I know, it’s eating me through
It’s eating me through every night and day
I’m just waiting on your sign

‘Cause I know, I know I never meant to cause you no pain
And I realize I let you down, oh yeah
But I know in my heart of hearts
I know I’m never gonna hold you again, no, no

And now I, now I know I wish it would rain down, down on me
Oh, you know I wish it would rain, rain down on me now
Ooh, yes, I wish it would rain down, rain down on me
Yes, you know I wish it would rain down, rain down over me

Just rain down over me
Just let it rain down, let it rain down
Let it rain down, oh yeah
Let it rain down, rain down over me
Just let it rain down, just let it rain down
Let it rain down
Just let it rain

August 8th is Father’s Day in Taiwan. My brother still bought a cake to celebrate it with Mom. I always buy the Father’s Day card months ahead since it’s on the third Sunday in June in the US, and they stop selling the cards after that. Last year, I bought two beautiful Father’s Day cards to use for last year and this year.

I didn’t tell anyone besides my Mom that I’m getting divorced. Dad has memory loss so there’s no point in traumatizing him by telling him, just for him to forget about it again. I’m scared it’ll trigger my sister too much and cause her to become ill again, so I figured it’s best to just keep it to myself.

Last year, I asked my ex to still please write my Father’s Day card, Mother’s Day card, and my sister’s birthday card in advance, just as before. I asked him to please still say “Dear Dad”, and to draw a smiley face, as before. He was kind enough to oblige. This is my last Father’s Day card to my Dad. I’m so glad I kept a copy of it.

This year, I felt torn in asking him to write the cards again, as it just did not feel right anymore. I told Mom that I won’t send any more cards to them, and will just call them on the day since sooner or later, my ex will not be available (and willing) to continue writing out these cards. I gave the unused Father’s Day card I bought last year to a friend so that he can send it to his own father instead.

Dearest Daddy, I hope you’re really happy and healthy up there. I guess you probably know by now that I’m getting divorced, huh? Don’t worry, Dad, I am very resilient. I got that from you and Mom. I can take care of myself. I will be okay.

Mom misses you a lot. She forces herself to still go for a walk every day. She imagines that you’re still with her. She touches the flowers gently just as you always do. She talks to you a lot every single day. She imagines that you’re always by her side, playing checkers, reciting poems, etc. It must be really tough on her since you’ve been together for 55 years now. Bro comes to visit her twice a week and I call her every day when he doesn’t come over. Please protect her and make sure that she is just going through the normal stages of grief, and will not sink into clinical depression.

Pooky still doesn’t know that you’re gone. We don’t plan on telling her any time in the near future. If she ever asks for you, Mom will just tell her that you’re still sleeping. We’re afraid she won’t be able to handle this and will become ill again. We know that’s what you would want us to do as well, right?

Besides, we know you’ll never leave us. You are always by our side.

Happy Father’s Day! I love you, Daddy. I miss you so much. You’re always in my heart! ❤️

My Dad was always my go-to person. He took care of everything for us (perhaps, a bit too much though), and I valued his opinion a lot. He could also be very calm, composed, and analytical, and come up with great solutions.

I am so confused. My soon-to-be ex-husband has been lying to me so much for the past few years, I don’t even know what is true or untrue anymore.

My feelings oscillate between hating him, to feeling sorry for him, to forgiving him with compassion and kindness, and then back to wanting to scream at him for layers upon layers of lies that he has been telling me, even up till this afternoon.

I found out two weeks ago that he went to about 15 car dealerships within a few days because he had that many credit inquiries during that small amount of time. When I asked him, he said that it was because I told him a few days ago that I’m placing him on a credit freeze so that he can no longer take up loans, and he wanted to see if he was still able to get his credit pulled. However, could that be true? Could he honestly be that crazy just to make sure his credit can still be pulled? I then find evidence that suggests he’s actually wanting to buy a fancy sports car?

I feel like it’s divine intervention that keeps on letting me discover more and more pieces of information regarding what he’s been doing after he moved out on Oct 1st of last year. I’m also finding contradictory pieces of evidence about his financial health. On the one hand, he’s taking up loans and even pawning whatever little valuables he has. On the other hand, he’s submitting invoices of large amounts to his clients. What is going on????

I kept on calling Mom just now but I’m not sure if she’s still sleeping or if she’s praying but I couldn’t get ahold of her, and I feel so confused and lost. I think of my Dad and try to see what suggestions he may come up with? Do I call my ex out? Or do I just get my divorce over and done with, before even thinking of doing anything else?

I was always my Daddy’s little girl and I almost always listened to his advice, mostly because I think that they are very wise. However, after I got married, I started having a lot of confrontations with my dad over the phone. I noticed that his attitude has changed in that he believes that once a woman is married, she’s stuck with the man for life. Therefore, he almost always stood by my ex’s side, especially when it came to his drinking. He kept on trying to convince me that it was not that big of a deal, even after 3 DUIs! And DUIs are only after he got caught. Who knows how often he was drinking and driving before he finally got caught each time?

My father would have never stood by my side if I was the one wanting the divorce. However, my ex asked for it, and he did a whole lot of shady things behind my back. And he’s still dragging the divorce up to this day. I’m starting to understand why now though. I think it’s because he will have to disclose his financial health, which, from what I am slowly discovering, may not be as bad as he had been acting like it is. I’m even starting to wonder if that scammer told him to keep on taking up these loans to lower his financial health so that he will have a better outcome from the divorce? And in the meantime, keep on draining my financial resources to pay for my own expenses, our joint expenses, and even his loan?

I keep on going through alternating phases where at one stage, I still want to help him get out of this mess, but then later on, I find other pieces of evidence suggesting that he is doing it willingly and even with some kind of ill-intention that I am still uncertain of. I believe if my Dad was still alive right now, then he would finally be on my side, and be able to give me some sound advice on what to do.

What do I do Daddy? I want so badly to get that scammer put away in prison for life. Yet, all the legal authorities I’ve spoken to, keep on telling me that there is nothing they or I can do unless my ex files a police report himself. At first, I thought that maybe he’s just infatuated by the scammer so don’t want to rat her out, but now I’m starting to wonder if he’s also an accomplice himself in this web of lies that he keeps on telling me? Do I just let it go and walk away? Should I just let him face his own karma? I keep on feeling that even though we’re not suitable as partners, I’ll always see him as a family member and want to make sure that he’ll be okay. However, he’s doing everything he can to dodge me and lie to me. I am so mentally drained now I feel that I need to just look out for myself first, and if I can, then help him one day.

I think this is what my Dad would say to me, get the divorce over and done with, so I don’t carry the burden of his loans. But, I just wish I could hear you say it to me, Dad. I wish I could hear your voice again. Most days, I’m happy for you, that you’re no longer suffering and will always be happy and healthy now in Pure Land Nirvana. But some days, like today, I just miss you so much. I keep on remembering the wonderful times we had when we lived in Honolulu for 3 years and every weekend, we’d go swimming at the Waikiki beach. You and I would race to see who swam faster to our landmark. Some days, I wonder if I did not do enough, especially in the last few years. You had memory loss and just kept on repeating the same sentences every time we spoke on the phone. Could I have spent more time with you Dad? Could I have spoken longer to you on the phone each time?

I miss you, Daddy. You will forever be with me, in my heart and my soul. When I am in times of need, you are there with me. Please help me survive through this very difficult stage in my life. Please protect me and our family. Please help my ex stop whatever scheming he is doing to hurt himself and me, whether it’s intentionally, or inadvertently. Please help him wake up. Please help me wake up.

I’ll be missing you…

I’ll Be Missing You

~ Puff Daddy

Yeah, this right here (tell me why)
Goes out to everyone that has lost someone
That they truly loved (come on, check it out)

It seems like yesterday we used to rock the show
I laced the track, you locked the flow
So far from hangin’ on the block for dough
Notorious, they got to know that
Life ain’t always what it seem to be
Words can’t express what you mean to me
Even though you’re gone, we still a team
Through your family, I’ll fulfill your dream (that’s right)
In the future, can’t wait to see
If you open up the gates for me
Reminisce some time, the night they took my friend (uh-huh)
Try to black it out, but it plays again
When it’s real, feelings hard to conceal
Can’t imagine all the pain I feel
Give anything to hear half your breath (half your breath)
I know you still livin’ your life after death

Every step I take
Every move I make
Every single day, every time I pray
I’ll be missing you
Thinkin’ of the day
When you went away
What a life to take, what a bond to break
I’ll be missing you (I miss you, B.I.G.)

It’s kinda hard with you not around (yeah)
Know you in Heaven smilin’ down (ha)
Watchin’ us while we pray for you
Every day we pray for you
‘Til the day we meet again
In my heart is where I’ll keep you, friend
Memories give me the strength I need to proceed (uh-huh)
Strength I need to believe
My thoughts, B.I.G., I just can’t define (can’t define)
Wish I could turn back the hands of time
Us in the six, shop for new clothes and kicks
You and me taking flicks
Makin’ hits, stages they receive you on
Still can’t believe you’re gone (can’t believe you’re gone)
Give anything to hear half your breath (half your breath)
I know you still livin’ you’re life after death

Every step I take
Every move I make (I miss you)
Every single day, every time I pray
I’ll be missing you (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Thinkin’ of the day
When you went away
What a life to take, what a bond to break
I’ll be missing you (somebody tell me why)

One glad morning
When this life is over
I know I’ll see your face

Every night I pray, every step I take
Every move I make, every single day
Every night I pray, every step I take (every day that passes is a day that I get closer)
Every move I make, every single day (to seeing you again)
Every night I pray, every step I take (we miss you, B.I.G., and we won’t stop)
Every move I make, every single day (’cause we can’t stop, that’s right)
Every night I pray, every step I take
Every move I make, every single day (we miss you, B.I.G.)

Every step I take
Every move I make (I’ll miss you)
Every single day, every time I pray
I’ll be missing you (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Thinkin’ of the day
When you went away
What a life to take, what a bond to break
I’ll be missing you

Every step I take
Every move I make
Every single day, every time I pray
I’ll be missing you (I’ll be missing you)
Thinkin’ of the day (thinking of the day)
When you went away
What a life to take, what a bond to break
I’ll be missing you

Every step I take (one glad morning)
Every move I make (when this life is over)
Every single day, every time I pray (I know)
I’ll be missing you (I’ll see your face)
Thinkin’ of the day (one glad morning)
When you went away (when this life is over)
What a life to take

Sunday was Day 49 of my Dad’s memorial ceremony. I believe that he is now in Pure Land Nirvana, and will continue to chant Buddhist prayers for him and for myself daily.

Now, I’m back to reality, and I am going to breakaway from all of the trash in my life!

My sister got ill when I was still in high school. I remember one day picking up the phone and hearing her speaking incoherently, being extremely fearful that she may die soon. That day changed our family’s lives forever. From that day onwards, it was all about her illnesses and sufferings. Don’t get me wrong, I love her very much and feel great sorrow for her suffering. However, I also need to recognize and acknowledge the pain and suffering I have been through as well.

I started going to the movies by myself and doing everything by myself since my mother was too busy taking care of her. I remember all of the broken promises from my mother because of my sister’s constant episodes. I realized from that point onwards, that I will just have to be by myself. Both of my best friends; my sister and my mom can no longer be there by my side constantly, as before.

I remember after starting dental school, I wanted to go to the library in the evenings to study so that I can focus better. Mom took my sister out during the day and said that she’ll be back at a certain time to take me to the library. One night, I waited and waited and eventually had it. I decided to walk late at night to the library through an unsafe path by myself and wished that someone will just rape me and kill me so that I can finally end this life of loneliness and misery. Fortunately, I made it back home safely that night.

I have been through so much shit in the past few years, starting from my soon-to-be ex-husband’s addiction and “throwing money away like it’s candy” delirious acts, up to meeting people exhibiting the same self-centered, narcissistic traits as him. It’s just like what I’ve learned in the “Divorce Care” support group meetings; heal the traumas from your past relationships, or end up being with the same person all over again, but just with a different face.

Since my ex has been avoiding all of my emails, calls, and texts, I have been driving by his workplace at various times and finally found him there yesterday evening. I told him that I am done with his shit. I am done with paying for the loan he took up for the scammer whore, paying for our joint expenses, and not getting anything back from him. I asked him why is he not giving me the required information to file for our divorce? He said that he has been too busy working. Ya, right, too busy trying to apply for loan after loan, and for what, I have no freaking idea! I told him that since we are still legally married, I can, and am very close to admitting him to a mental institution. I told him that I am also very close to taking legal action against him and freezing all of his assets. Since I am using our joint account (which he is not putting money into) to pay for the loan he took up for that scammer whore, I told him that I am also considering closing that joint account and defaulting on his loan, so that he will never in his life be able to get approved for a loan again. I told him I regret so much for getting his credit from poor to excellent all these years. If I just let him continue with his shitty credit history, of not even being able to get approved for a credit card, then he would not have been able to take up all these loans for that scammer whore!

I am done with shit in my life. I told him to get our divorce done now!

I am breaking away from all of the trash in my life. Not just with him, but with every single self-centered, narcissistic person in my life.

I am starting my life all over again, on my own. Breakaway!!!

Breakaway

~ Kelly Clarkson

Da, da, da, da, da, da, da
Da, da, da, da, da, da
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da
Da, da, da, da, da, da
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da

Grew up in a small town and when the rain would fall down
I’d just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be and if I’d end up happy
I would pray (I would pray)

Trying hard to reach out but when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here but something felt so wrong here
So, I prayed I could break away

I’ll spread my wings and I’ll learn how to fly
I’ll do what it takes ’til I touch the sky
And I’ll make a wish, take a chance, make a change and breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won’t forget all the ones that I love
I’ll take a risk, take a chance, make a change and breakaway

Da, da, da, da, da, da, da
Da, da, da, da, da, da
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da

Wanna feel the warm breeze, sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train, travel on a jet plane, far away and breakaway (I will)

I’ll spread my wings and I’ll learn how to fly
I’ll do what it takes ’til I touch the sky
And I’ll make a wish, take a chance, make a change and breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won’t forget all the ones that I love
I’ll take a risk, take a chance, make a change and breakaway

Buildings with a hundred floors, swinging around revolving doors
Maybe I don’t know where they’ll take me but
Gotta keep moving on, moving on, fly away, breakaway

I’ll spread my wings and I’ll learn how to fly
Though it’s not easy to tell you goodbye
I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change and breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won’t forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change and breakaway

Breakaway, breakaway

I’ve been going through a lot of stress for the past two years after my soon-to-be-ex asked for a divorce in Dec 2021, and I found out about a lot of shady things he had been doing behind my back.

I found out during our tax appointment this year that he gave away another 6 digits to the other woman, and due to an early retirement account withdrawal, we ended up with a $10,000 tax penalty. I found out a month later that he took up another loan to give to that woman.

I don’t know what is going on with him. He told me back then that after he gave the first 6 digits to that woman that he was done with her. He told me recently that in the past 2 years, he has developed feelings for her and is hoping that one day she will want to be with him. Wanting a scammer to fall in love with you for falling for her scam???

I honestly don’t know if he’s going through some kind of psychosis. He has basically gone off the grid and I can hardly even get ahold of him. I’ve finally realized that there is nothing I can do to help him, especially because he doesn’t seem to think that he’s doing anything wrong, or that this woman is just scamming him.

I just want to get this divorce taken care of asap. It has been dragging on for too long and is wearing me out. I’ve been emailing and texting him a lot for the past few weeks asking him to get this done right away but nothing is getting done. He hardly even responds to my texts and emails.

How did I end up with this after 15 years of marriage? How can someone change so much to the point where he can no longer tell between right and wrong, or good and bad?

Like the wildflowers, I just want to be free. I belong somewhere I feel free…

Wildflowers

~ Tom Petty

You belong among the wildflowers
You belong in a boat out at sea
Sail away, kill off the hours
You belong somewhere you feel free

Run away, find you a lover
Go away somewhere all bright and new
I have seen no other
Who compares with you

You belong among the wildflowers
You belong in a boat out at sea
You belong with your love on your arm
You belong somewhere you feel free

Run away, go find a lover
Run away, let your heart be your guide
You deserve deepest of cover
You belong in that home by and by

You belong among the wildflowers
You belong somewhere close to me
Far away from your trouble and worry
You belong somewhere you feel free
You belong somewhere you feel free