I’ve been struggling a lot with depression lately. It took 2.5 years before we finally filed for divorce, but just a day to get approved by the judge. I feel a sense of relief, especially because my ex has been very irresponsible financially for the past few years; taking up loans, giving all his money away, and not even paying his huge amount of taxes for last year. But now that it’s over, I’m finally starting to mourn for all that is lost.
There are so many things I need to take care of now, from getting certified copies of my divorce decree and judgment, to getting a new social security card with my name changed, before I can do anything else. I find myself in a frozen state whenever I try to do something as simple as filling out a name change form. I feel like I’m walking through mud, and everything is happening in slow motion, or sometimes, not happening at all.
I bought a Mother’s Day card for my Mom, and I wrote a heartfelt message to her in Chinese:
“Dearest Mama,
You are the strongest person in the world. Your courage gives me the strength to carry on.
You are the best mother in the world.
I miss you all very much, and I look forward to being with you all again soon.
Happy Mother’s Day!“
In the past, I’d write on one side, and my ex would write on the other of the greeting cards. Now, it’s just me.
I wanted to send my sister a card as well but couldn’t, because she’d then ask why my ex didn’t write to her? She doesn’t know that I’m divorced. No one does, except for my Mom.
When I tried to fill out the envelope, I couldn’t. I finally forced myself to write my maiden name in the “From” section. As if that wasn’t sad enough, I’m struggling to fill out the “To” section. Whenever I mailed anything to my family, I always addressed it to my Dad, as a form of respect. But now, I can no longer address it to him…
Everything has changed in my life. My Dad is gone. My sister is institutionalized. I am divorced, and my name has changed. I have to find my self-identity all over again.
I still can’t write the “From” section. If I do, then it’s true that my Dad is gone. I just told someone not long ago that sometimes I’m still in a state of denial, as I still can’t believe that I will never see my Dad again. Maybe I’ll try again tomorrow.
It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday…
It’s So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday
~ Boyz II Men
… How do I say goodbye to what we had?
The good times that made us laugh
Outweigh the bad
… I thought we’d get to see forever
But forever’s gone away
It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday
… I don’t know where this road
Is going to lead
All I know is where we’ve been
And what we’ve been through
… And if we get to see tomorrow
I hope it’s worth all the wait
It’s hard to say goodbye to yesterday
… And I’ll take with me the memories
To be my sunshine after the rain
It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday
… And I’ll take with me the memories
To be my sunshine after the rain
It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday