I am officially divorced as of my birthday this year. We would have been married for 16 years in mid-June. This has been a long emotional journey since my ex-husband asked for a divorce on 12/05/21.
It took so long for various reasons, mostly because of him. Looking back, I don’t think I was emotionally ready either, so I unconsciously just allowed him to drag this on for 2.5 years.
Always Remember Us This Way is a song from the 2018 movie “A Star Is Born,” which shows the battles of seasoned musician Jackson Maine with his internal demons and alcohol addiction, and his love story with struggling artist Ally.
This movie struck deep down in my soul, as I had been battling with my codependency when it came to my ex-husband’s alcohol addiction and emotional issues, and I still do up to this day.
Due to his avoidant attachment style, he has avoided me since moving out on 10/01/22. Was it because he didn’t want to face the inevitable painful truth that we would finally be divorced? Or was it because he just didn’t care?
I finally had it on 03/29/24 and drove to his workplace spur-of-the-moment, praying that he’d be there, to ask him what his intentions were for continuously avoiding my texts and emails to meet up and sign the divorce papers. Thankfully, he was there, and their office entrance door was unlocked.
I walked into his office, closed the door, and calmly asked him why he had not responded to any of my texts or emails to meet up and sign the divorce papers? I told him it had been so long that even the version had changed. I had to print the new version out and fill everything out all over again.
I was shocked when I saw him because his face had grown larger. He was sitting down, so I couldn’t tell, but he said he had gained much weight due to all the stress. I think he looks fine, as he has always been on the underweight side. However, he never gained weight in the past due to stress. If anything, he wouldn’t have the appetite to eat and would lose weight under stress. I think it also had to do with me always making sure he had healthy food available at all times. He had probably been eating many takeout junk foods since he moved out.
My birthday was coming up soon, and somehow, I felt this intense drive not to allow any more time of my life to be left in limbo, where I was neither single nor married. He used to not be so worried when I was still arguing and fighting with him. However, when I became calm and collected with few words, he would get very worried. That was when he knew the matter was serious, and I was ready to let go.
My personality is such that it may take me a very long time to process something and let go. However, when that happens, which may seem sudden, I will be determined to make things happen. It then happens like a flip of the switch, that even I’m not consciously aware of myself. And when I’ve made my final decision, there is no turning back. As much pain as I may be in, I will make it happen. Then afterward, I can curl up in a corner and cry.
I did my duty up to the end. All these years, he’ll be the one giving me a command on what to do, and I will take care of the rest. All he will have to do is show up, or sign the paperwork, etc.
I packed everything for him when he told me in mid-September 2022 that he had found a place and would be moving out on 10/01/22. For some reason, whenever we move to a new place, he will always slip and fall on the first night when showering. It was so serious when we stayed at an Airbnb place in Taiwan that he had to go see the doctor and make sure he didn’t have any serious brain damage from hitting his head when falling. Since then, I have been on high alert and would always place the anti-slip mats in the bathtub before he takes a shower, then remove them afterward so that it doesn’t accumulate mold and mildew underneath.
I knew I would cry seeing him walking away for good on 10/01/22, so I intentionally left the house until late in the evening, when I was certain he had already moved out. I told him a few times before then that he was still welcome to stay, but since his decision was firm, I had no choice but to accept it and help him in any way I could.
I left a note on his suitcase telling him the most important thing to do once he arrives at his new place is to place the anti-slip mats in his bathtub. I even texted him that and asked him to text me back once he had done that.
Even after he moved out, I still asked him to text me all the groceries he wanted for the week. I bought them for him, asked him to let me know when he’d come over to pick them up, and made sure I was not home when he did so. I didn’t want to be there because it was too painful to say goodbye. This continued for over six months before he finally said he didn’t want that anymore and thanked me for it.
I handled all the paperwork and everything else required for our divorce filing. All he had to do was sign, just like all the other times in our marriage. I guess, in a way, that was a good way to end our marriage as the cycle has finally been completed.
I remember all the good times we’ve had, starting from the first time we met, which was supposed to just be a short meetup for afternoon tea, but ended up with us leaving the movie theatre in the wee hours the next day. He called me a few hours later and said he wanted us to be in a serious and committed relationship. He also said he wanted to pay for everything as that’s how he felt he would be taking care of me. This, I can say, is the one promise he has kept all this time.
Despite all the shitty things he has done, especially for the past 2.5 years, I know that he cares about me and does not wish me harm, especially regarding the final terms of our divorce agreement.
Thank you for our 16-year marriage. I have learned so many life lessons from being with you. We’ve had many happy times and many rough times. We may not be romantic partners for life, but I will always love you and care for you as a friend and family member. Thank you for loving me and caring for me as well.
I’ll always remember us this way…
Always Remember Us This Way
~ Lady Gaga
That Arizona sky burnin’ in your eyes
You look at me and, babe, I wanna catch on fire
It’s buried in my soul like California gold
You found the light in me that I couldn’t find
So when I’m all choked up
And I can’t find the words
Every time we say goodbye
Baby, it hurts
When the sun goes down
And the band won’t play
I’ll always remember us this way
Lovers in the night
Poets tryin’ to write
We don’t know how to rhyme
But, damn, we try
But all I really know
You’re where I wanna go
The part of me that’s you will never die
So when I’m all choked up
And I can’t find the words
Every time we say goodbye
Baby, it hurts
When the sun goes down
And the band won’t play
I’ll always remember us this way
Oh, yeah
I don’t wanna be just a memory, baby, yeah
Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo
Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo
Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo
So when I’m all choked up
And I can’t find the words
Every time we say goodbye
Baby, it hurts
When the sun goes down
And the band won’t play
I’ll always remember us this way, way, yeah
When you look at me
And the whole world fades
I’ll always remember us this way