I’ve been struggling a lot with depression lately. It took 2.5 years before we finally filed for divorce, but just a day to get approved by the judge. I feel a sense of relief, especially because my ex has been very irresponsible financially for the past few years; taking up loans, giving all his money away, and not even paying his huge amount of taxes for last year. But now that it’s over, I’m finally starting to mourn for all that is lost.
It’s So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday ~ Boyz II Men
There are so many things I need to take care of now, from getting certified copies of my divorce decree and judgment, to getting a new social security card with my name changed, before I can do anything else. I find myself in a frozen state whenever I try to do something as simple as filling out a name change form. I feel like I’m walking through mud, and everything is happening in slow motion, or sometimes, not happening at all.
I bought a Mother’s Day card for my Mom, and I wrote a heartfelt message to her in Chinese:
“Dearest Mama,
You are the strongest person in the world. Your courage gives me the strength to carry on.
You are the best mother in the world.
I miss you all very much, and I look forward to being with you all again soon.
Happy Mother’s Day!“
In the past, I’d write on one side, and my ex would write on the other of the greeting cards. Now, it’s just me.
I wanted to send my sister a card as well but couldn’t, because she’d then ask why my ex didn’t write to her? She doesn’t know that I’m divorced. No one does, except for my Mom.
When I tried to fill out the envelope, I couldn’t. I finally forced myself to write my maiden name in the “From” section. As if that wasn’t sad enough, I’m struggling to fill out the “To” section. Whenever I mailed anything to my family, I always addressed it to my Dad, as a form of respect. But now, I can no longer address it to him…
Everything has changed in my life. My Dad is gone. My sister is institutionalized. I am divorced, and my name has changed. I have to find my self-identity all over again.
I still can’t write the “From” section. If I do, then it’s true that my Dad is gone. I just told someone not long ago that sometimes I’m still in a state of denial, as I still can’t believe that I will never see my Dad again. Maybe I’ll try again tomorrow.
It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday…
It’s So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday
~ Boyz II Men
… How do I say goodbye to what we had? The good times that made us laugh Outweigh the bad
… I thought we’d get to see forever But forever’s gone away It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday
… I don’t know where this road Is going to lead All I know is where we’ve been And what we’ve been through
… And if we get to see tomorrow I hope it’s worth all the wait It’s hard to say goodbye to yesterday
… And I’ll take with me the memories To be my sunshine after the rain It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday
… And I’ll take with me the memories To be my sunshine after the rain It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday
My Microsoft Onedrive emails a collection of photos “On this day.” Today’s email shows photos from the morning after my ex proposed to me on 04/18/08. He took me to a fancy restaurant in downtown LA, and booked the iconic Beverly Hilton hotel, where many famous people have stayed in the past.
Dancing With Your Ghost ~ Sasha Alex Sloan
My ex told the staff in advance that he was proposing to me that night, and the staff kindly upgraded us to the Presidential Suite, which had been remodeled a few years ago and looked a lot different then. They also prepared champagne and chocolate-dipped strawberries for us. He went down on one knee and proposed to me. It was like a fairy tale come true.
Our divorce dragged on for 2.5 years. Yet, the judge signed the papers in less than a day. The court officially entered it in the records the next day, on my birthday.
It had to be done, but I’m still in shock. I still reminisce. I still mourn.
Every night, I’m dancing with your ghost…
Dancing With Your Ghost
~ Sasha Alex Sloan
Yelling at the sky Screaming at the world Baby, why’d you go away? I’m still your girl Holding on too tight Head up in the clouds Heaven only knows where you are now
How do I love, how do I love again? How do I trust, how do I trust again?
I stay up all night, tell myself I’m alright Baby, you’re just harder to see than most I put the record on, wait ’til I hear our song Every night, I’m dancing with your ghost Every night, I’m dancing with your ghost
Never got the chance To say a last goodbye I gotta move on But it hurts to try
How do I love, how do I love again? How do I trust, how do I trust again?
I stay up all night, tell myself I’m alright Baby, you’re just harder to see than most I put the record on, wait ’til I hear our song Every night, I’m dancing with your ghost Every night, I’m dancing with your ghost
How do I love, how do I love again? How do I trust, how do I trust again?
I stay up all night, tell myself I’m alright Baby, you’re just harder to see than most I put the record on, wait ’til I hear our song Every night, I’m dancing with your ghost Every night, I’m dancing with your ghost Every night, I’m dancing with your ghost
I am officially divorced as of my birthday this year. We would have been married for 16 years in mid-June. This has been a long emotional journey since my ex-husband asked for a divorce on 12/05/21.
It took so long for various reasons, mostly because of him. Looking back, I don’t think I was emotionally ready either, so I unconsciously just allowed him to drag this on for 2.5 years.
Always Remember Us This Way ~ Lady Gaga
Always Remember Us This Way is a song from the 2018 movie “A Star Is Born,” which shows the battles of seasoned musician Jackson Maine with his internal demons and alcohol addiction, and his love story with struggling artist Ally.
This movie struck deep down in my soul, as I had been battling with my codependency when it came to my ex-husband’s alcohol addiction and emotional issues, and I still do up to this day.
Due to his avoidant attachment style, he has avoided me since moving out on 10/01/22. Was it because he didn’t want to face the inevitable painful truth that we would finally be divorced? Or was it because he just didn’t care?
I finally had it on 03/29/24 and drove to his workplace spur-of-the-moment, praying that he’d be there, to ask him what his intentions were for continuously avoiding my texts and emails to meet up and sign the divorce papers. Thankfully, he was there, and their office entrance door was unlocked.
I walked into his office, closed the door, and calmly asked him why he had not responded to any of my texts or emails to meet up and sign the divorce papers? I told him it had been so long that even the version had changed. I had to print the new version out and fill everything out all over again.
I was shocked when I saw him because his face had grown larger. He was sitting down, so I couldn’t tell, but he said he had gained much weight due to all the stress. I think he looks fine, as he has always been on the underweight side. However, he never gained weight in the past due to stress. If anything, he wouldn’t have the appetite to eat and would lose weight under stress. I think it also had to do with me always making sure he had healthy food available at all times. He had probably been eating many takeout junk foods since he moved out.
My birthday was coming up soon, and somehow, I felt this intense drive not to allow any more time of my life to be left in limbo, where I was neither single nor married. He used to not be so worried when I was still arguing and fighting with him. However, when I became calm and collected with few words, he would get very worried. That was when he knew the matter was serious, and I was ready to let go.
My personality is such that it may take me a very long time to process something and let go. However, when that happens, which may seem sudden, I will be determined to make things happen. It then happens like a flip of the switch, that even I’m not consciously aware of myself. And when I’ve made my final decision, there is no turning back. As much pain as I may be in, I will make it happen. Then afterward, I can curl up in a corner and cry.
I did my duty up to the end. All these years, he’ll be the one giving me a command on what to do, and I will take care of the rest. All he will have to do is show up, or sign the paperwork, etc.
I packed everything for him when he told me in mid-September 2022 that he had found a place and would be moving out on 10/01/22. For some reason, whenever we move to a new place, he will always slip and fall on the first night when showering. It was so serious when we stayed at an Airbnb place in Taiwan that he had to go see the doctor and make sure he didn’t have any serious brain damage from hitting his head when falling. Since then, I have been on high alert and would always place the anti-slip mats in the bathtub before he takes a shower, then remove them afterward so that it doesn’t accumulate mold and mildew underneath.
I knew I would cry seeing him walking away for good on 10/01/22, so I intentionally left the house until late in the evening, when I was certain he had already moved out. I told him a few times before then that he was still welcome to stay, but since his decision was firm, I had no choice but to accept it and help him in any way I could.
I left a note on his suitcase telling him the most important thing to do once he arrives at his new place is to place the anti-slip mats in his bathtub. I even texted him that and asked him to text me back once he had done that.
Even after he moved out, I still asked him to text me all the groceries he wanted for the week. I bought them for him, asked him to let me know when he’d come over to pick them up, and made sure I was not home when he did so. I didn’t want to be there because it was too painful to say goodbye. This continued for over six months before he finally said he didn’t want that anymore and thanked me for it.
I handled all the paperwork and everything else required for our divorce filing. All he had to do was sign, just like all the other times in our marriage. I guess, in a way, that was a good way to end our marriage as the cycle has finally been completed.
I remember all the good times we’ve had, starting from the first time we met, which was supposed to just be a short meetup for afternoon tea, but ended up with us leaving the movie theatre in the wee hours the next day. He called me a few hours later and said he wanted us to be in a serious and committed relationship. He also said he wanted to pay for everything as that’s how he felt he would be taking care of me. This, I can say, is the one promise he has kept all this time.
Despite all the shitty things he has done, especially for the past 2.5 years, I know that he cares about me and does not wish me harm, especially regarding the final terms of our divorce agreement.
Thank you for our 16-year marriage. I have learned so many life lessons from being with you. We’ve had many happy times and many rough times. We may not be romantic partners for life, but I will always love you and care for you as a friend and family member. Thank you for loving me and caring for me as well.
I’ll always remember us this way…
Always Remember Us This Way
~ Lady Gaga
That Arizona sky burnin’ in your eyes You look at me and, babe, I wanna catch on fire It’s buried in my soul like California gold You found the light in me that I couldn’t find
So when I’m all choked up And I can’t find the words Every time we say goodbye Baby, it hurts When the sun goes down And the band won’t play I’ll always remember us this way
Lovers in the night Poets tryin’ to write We don’t know how to rhyme But, damn, we try But all I really know You’re where I wanna go The part of me that’s you will never die
So when I’m all choked up And I can’t find the words Every time we say goodbye Baby, it hurts When the sun goes down And the band won’t play I’ll always remember us this way
Oh, yeah I don’t wanna be just a memory, baby, yeah Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo
So when I’m all choked up And I can’t find the words Every time we say goodbye Baby, it hurts When the sun goes down And the band won’t play I’ll always remember us this way, way, yeah When you look at me And the whole world fades I’ll always remember us this way
