I’m starting to train myself to become self-empowered. I’ve lived my entire life being a people-pleaser, always asking what others want. How to make them happy? How to meet their needs? How to act so that they will like me? To the extent that I’ve completely lost myself. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I need. I don’t know what to do in order to be happy?
After a string of unfortunate events, meeting bad people one after another, and getting burned inch-by-inch, I’ve finally put my foot down and said, “That’s Enough!”. No more people-pleasing, no more putting up with bad behaviors and no exceptions! I’ve started to have this newfound freedom and realization that I really Do Not want to have any kind of drama in my life. That means, no drama-kings, no drama-queens, no mind games, no players, no liars, no cheaters, and no anything that does not serve my highest good. After setting that intention, I’ve slowly been able to get in touch with my true self and ask myself, “What do I want?”, “What are the qualities of a person that I’m looking for?”, “Can this person add more value to my life, or will this person drain my energy?”.
I’m also starting to slowly discover what makes ME happy, instead of everyone else? For one, I’ve realized that I am really a traditional person in many ways. My one and only favorite sex position is the missionary position (I consider myself on top to be part of it as well). When I was with my ex-boyfriend and we had sex every single day for the first year we were together, it was always in the missionary position. Once in a while, he’ll want to try out the doggie position, or 69, and I’m all for experimenting once in a while. But that’s where it stays, once in a while…
When I had sex with a man 10 years younger than me (a long time ago), and he even had a threesome before, he said that I was the best sex ever, and this was in the missionary position, and with me on top as well.
I’m really not into any kind of fetish whatsoever. If the guy wants to have oral, that’s fine. However, he better have had flossed his teeth, brushed his teeth, rinsed his mouth thoroughly, and not contaminate himself throughout the process. I have autoimmune issues, and the last thing I need is to catch an infection because the guy is not being germ-aware of what he’s doing to me down there.
Call me boring, call me vanilla, call me being too careful if you’d like. But you know what? This is my body. This is my life. I did not go through the entire dental education just to be with someone that is unable to respect not contaminating people with germs. Just because you can not see them, does not mean they don’t exist, and it does not mean that they can not create havoc and even long-term detrimental effects to your life.
I also know that “Baby Pink” is my favorite color, and I like having short hair. I don’t know why I meet so many men who are attracted to me when I have short hair. Yet, they expect me to now grow my hair long for them. If you like women with long hair, then Don’t even bother talking to women with short hair, OK? If you like women who wear high heels and fancy dresses, then I am definitely not for you as I wear t-shirts and yoga pants every single day. If you like women who put on tons of makeup and perfume, then I am definitely not for you as I have multiple chemical sensitivities. And, even if I didn’t have multiple chemical sensitivities, I still will not wear makeup and perfume because I do not like having anything that is Fake in my life. I like to be the best version of myself 24/7 whether I’m out and about, or have just woken up. WYSIWYG (What You See Is What You Get) is my motto in life. I don’t like anything or anyone that is Fake or Disingenuous.
If I see you doing shit, then I will call you out. I will not act dumb and play along with your idiotic ways of thoughts and behaviors. If you want to keep secrets and lies, then take them with you to your grave and stay away from me!
THIS IS ME, TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT!
I’ve not just been “Through The Rain”, I’ve been “Through The Tornado”. I almost died at the beginning of this year and by the grace of God, I survived. I will not ever live my life in a disingenuous way, either to myself or others, ever again. I am certain now that I will be Just FINE, being ON MY OWN!
Through The Rain
When you get caught in the rain
With nowhere to run
When you’re distraught and in pain
Without anyone
When you keep crying out to be saved
But nobody comes
And you feel so far away
That you just can’t find your way home
You can get there alone
It’s okay, once you say
I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I’m strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I make it through the rain
And if you keep falling down
Don’t you dare give in
You will arise safe and sound
So keep pressing on steadfastly
And you’ll find what you need to prevail
Once you say
I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I’m strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I make it through the rain
And when the wind blows
As shadows grow close
Don’t be afraid
There’s nothing you can’t face
And should they tell you
You’ll never pull through
Don’t hesitate
Stand tall and say
I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I’m strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I’ll make it through the rain
I can make it through the rain
And stand up once again
And I live one more day, and I
I can make it through the rain
Oh yes, you can
You’re gonna make it through the rain