Month: September 2022

My life has been going through a complete downward spiral ever since my soon-to-be ex-husband asked for a divorce on 12/04/21, and then I found out about all the shady things he had been doing behind my back not long afterwards.

I am going through the worst existential crisis I’ve ever been through in my life, especially because he has started drinking, and drinking and driving again. I sacrificed my health, my work, and my emotional stability all just to get him to stop drinking, and now I’m questioning if I’ve wasted over 14 years of my life for Nothing???

I just told him a few days ago that it’s the complete sense of betrayal from the shady things he’s done since last year that’s affecting me the most, and that’s what I’ve been working on this entire year. Some days, I think that I’m almost over it, but then other days, I get triggered (especially when it comes to his drinking and our finances) and feel like I’m back to Day 1 of discovering what he has done to me.

I joined a Divorce Care group at the beginning of this year, which is founded by church organizations, and started wanting to understand more about Christianity, so I joined a MeetUp group at a local church with a weekly meetup introducing people to Christianity as well.

The entire MeetUp group series is based on “Mark’s Gospel” and I actually had a great time during the first meetup group. However, I glanced at their workbook and saw that getting a divorce is committing a sin. That once again threw me into the worst state of mind as I now feel that I’m screwed and damned for eternity. I messaged the pastor and told him that I’m going through a very difficult divorce right now and am unable to continue attending the meetup group as it’s too triggering being told constantly that I will be committing a sin by doing so.

All of the people at the church Meetup group seemed so “proper”, and most of them came with their significant other. After glancing through the workbook and seeing the part on divorce being a sin, I started to feel smaller and smaller…. What will they think of me if they find out that I’m getting divorced? Will all the wives now think that I’m a dangerous predator to their husbands?

I managed to push myself through the entire 13 weeks of Divorce Care group meetings but unsubscribed from the Divorce Care daily inspirational emails.

Now that I’m near my agreed-upon divorce deadline, and being forced into facing reality, I’m once again going through this existential crisis on a deeper level. What on earth did I accomplish during my over 14 years of marriage when I placed my main focus on him, on his drinking, and on my marriage??? He placed his only importance throughout our marriage on his work and his drinking, so nothing much is changing in his life, besides not having someone to do all the non-work-related things for him anymore. I, on the other hand, placed the sole importance on our marriage and getting him to stop drinking, and now I will have nothing left to show for the past 14 years of my life. I placed all my eggs in one basket, and now they’re all shattered…

Even when he wasn’t drinking, he was still a “dry drunk” as he never sought any help in sorting out his emotional issues, which was the main reason that he was drinking, to self-medicate. He was unhappy and emotionally unavailable all the time and I just kept on telling myself that I’ll just have to accept it, as long as he’s not drinking. And what good did that do? I had to shut down my own emotions as well so that I won’t feel so neglected and hurt by his unavailability on all levels.

I’ve just resubscribed to the Divorce Care daily inspirational emails a few days ago and am once again being forced to remember how the church speaks of getting divorced being a sin.

I’ve been following the Embrace Church which speaks of following Jesus, and Not church organizations; even if you’re not a Christian, even if you’re a sinner, which we are all. This is what their latest series on “Deconstruct” talks about. I’m keeping an open mind to understand more about the real Christianity, even if I’m a sinner, which we all are.

Some days, I really feel like I’m in a complete state of panic. I don’t even know the meaning of life anymore. I’m still trying to figure out the meaning of life. Will I ever figure that out? I’m trying to go easy on myself and just take it one day at a time now…

Battle Belongs

~ Songwriters: Brian Mark Johnson / Philip David Wickham

When all I see is the battle, You see my victory
When all I see is the mountain, You see a mountain moved
And as I walk through the shadow, Your love surrounds me
There’s nothing to fear now for I am safe with You

So when I fight, I’ll fight on my knees
With my hands lifted high
Oh God, the battle belongs to You
And every fear I lay at Your feet
I’ll sing through the night
Oh God, the battle belongs to You

And if You are for me, who can be against me? Yeah
For Jesus, there’s nothing impossible for You
When all I see are the ashes, You see the beauty
Thank You God
When all I see is a cross, God, You see the empty tomb

So when I fight, I’ll fight on my knees
With my hands lifted high
Oh God, the battle belongs to You
And every fear I lay at Your feet
I’ll sing through the night
Oh God, the battle belongs to You

Almighty fortress, You go before us
Nothing can stand against the power of our God
You shine in the shadow, You win every battle
Nothing can stand against the power of our God

An almighty fortress, You go before us
Nothing can stand against the power of our God
You shine in the shadow, You win every battle
Nothing can stand against the power of our God

An almighty fortress, You go before us
Nothing can stand against the power of our God
You shine in the shadows, You win every battle
Nothing can stand against the power of our God

So when I fight, I’ll fight on my knees
With my hands lifted high
Oh God, the battle belongs to You
And every fear I lay at Your feet
I’ll sing through the night
Oh God, the battle belongs to You

Oh God, the battle belongs to You

I woke up in the middle of the night last night and saw a text from my soon-to-be ex-husband informing me that he has just been let go from his third-shift job, and HR will send him papers to fill out to continue with our current medical insurance on our own dime, which will be a lot more expensive than before.

I told him that this will be a good time for him to recuperate his health, and work on his emotional issues and his alcohol addiction. He then told me that he wants to move out and find a place of his own very soon.

We agreed to finalize our divorce towards the beginning of next year and then we’ll go our separate ways physically as well after that. We’ve been sleeping in separate rooms and living separate lives for over 3 years now, and I’ll always think of him as a family member, so I really don’t see the urgency for him to move out now, instead of after our divorce is final. I also reminded him that by doing so, he will be adding additional costs to staying at a different place, while his income will be decreasing substantially due to him losing this third-shift part-time job. It will be a double whammy.

He is clearly going through a mid-life crisis, which started a few years ago. When “normal” people go through a mid-life crisis and an existential crisis, such as myself, I go and dye my hair red, and sign up for community classes to go out and meet more people. Why couldn’t he just decide to shave his hair bald, and run another marathon (which he did after his ex-girlfriend of 9 years broke up with him before we met) instead of drinking and driving, and handing 6-digits to a total stranger, and getting himself into this huge debt for the next 5 years?

I told him that he has hurt me deeply by all the shady things he did behind my back last year and wished he could have just told me that he is miserable and wanted a divorce. I was feeling very unhappy and stuck in my marriage as well. If he just told me that he wanted a divorce, I would have agreed to it without any issues, and we would have just worked through the terms amicably. Why couldn’t he have just trusted me and shown me the respect to end our marriage the proper way? That’s what I have been working on this year, the extreme sense of betrayal I feel from the way he handled this entire process.

It’s like he just has to create complete chaos in his life because he’s trying to change how miserable he feels inside, yet failing to recognize that this chaos he’s creating is actually making him feel even more miserable in life. And the only way for him to start feeling better about his life is to work on his thoughts and emotions. They say that “You create your own reality”, and he is creating a reality that is heading towards even more misery while dragging me through the mud with him as collateral damage.

He also told me that I need to get the divorce process started. Since he already got what he wanted, the 6-digits to give to another woman, and we’ve already agreed on the divorce terms, things are back to “normal” ~ as in I do all the legwork and all he has to do is sign on the dotted line. That’s how things have been for the past 14 years, especially since he knows that I am a perfectionist and very trustworthy, so I always do all the legwork and all he has to do is sign. Most of the time, he doesn’t even look at the papers, and will just sign, but now and then, he’ll do an “audit” and actually look at my paperwork before he signs it. I guess I should be happy that he at least knows that I’m not going to do anything shady or harmful to him?

I told him to let’s set a deadline because it’s difficult to get things moving along without a deadline. Now that we have a deadline, I can start to plan accordingly. I just recently spoke to my therapist about this, that I haven’t been getting things going, and one of my “homework” is to look into the process of getting a divorce in MN and draw up a weekly to-do list for it.

I can feel that I have a mental block regarding this, and that’s why I’ve been placing it on the back burner all this time. I’ve been dedicating all of my time to writing articles for my online business and now I have to slow that down and start dedicating my time to filing our divorce papers, purging our stuff, cleaning out our storage unit, and finding places for the both of us once our divorce is final towards the beginning of next year. So, basically, everything is back, as usual, ~ he works, and I do everything else. But I figure, I’ve been doing that for over 14 years of our marriage now, so might as well just do the same towards the end and also use this opportunity to memorialize the good times that we’ve had together throughout our marriage.

I always like to end things on a good note. It consumes too much energy having to hold on to anger and resentment, so I would rather end our marriage knowing that everything has been taken care of on both ends. I have recognized though, that I am powerless when it comes to his drinking, and all I can do is pray that he will come to his senses and decide to do that on his own.

This song, “Hero” by Mariah Carey, empowers me to find the strength within me during this really difficult time in my life.

Hero

~ Songwriters: Mariah Carey / Walter Afanasieff

There’s a hero
If you look inside your heart
You don’t have to be afraid
Of what you are
There’s an answer
If you reach into your soul
And the sorrow that you know
Will melt away

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you’ll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

It’s a long road
When you face the world alone
No one reaches out a hand
For you to hold
You can find love
If you search within yourself
And that emptiness you felt
Will disappear

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you’ll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you, oh, oh

Lord knows
Dreams are hard to follow
But don’t let anyone
Tear them away, hey yeah
Hold on
There will be tomorrow
In time you’ll find the way

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you’ll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you
That a hero lies in you
Mmm, that a hero lies in you

My ex-boyfriend texted me yesterday with a photo of a fridge and asked if I remember about it? He’s the man I consider to be my soulmate, the one I was in a long-term committed relationship with before I met my soon-to-be ex-husband.

We both share a lot in common and always have so many things to talk about. He’s also very protective of me and always wants to make me laugh. We both met in school 22 years ago almost to this date. We clicked instantly as if we’ve known each other for many lifetimes. We were both staying at the dormitory and were together all the time.

I’m accident-prone and often bump into things. He’d get so angry at the objects I bumped into and swear at them and kick them. 😝 We made many friends at school and often hung out together. We never seemed to run out of fun things to do or talk about. One night, he told me to jump on his back and gave me a piggyback ride around campus. The security guards saw us and thought that we were an adorable couple. 🥰

Another time, I bumped my leg against the bedstand (which I still do, up to this day 🙄) and he got so mad at the bedstand and started kicking it and scolding it. He saw me laughing and decided to hit his forehead against the wall, which made me laugh even harder! 🤣

After a few months of dating, we decided to move into a place of our own and start our lives together. We made love at least once every single day since the beginning for the first year and when it went down to three to four times a week, I actually got worried that our relationship may not be as strong as it used to be. I consider lovemaking a very important aspect of a relationship, as it’s the ultimate union of two souls ~ in the mind, body, and spirit.

He couldn’t stand to be away from me and told me that whenever we’re not together, he misses me so much and can’t wait to come home and be with me.

You’ve probably heard about the joke asking how many lawyers (or blondes) it takes to change a lightbulb, right? Well, my ex told me from the beginning that he does not want me to change any lightbulbs because he’s afraid that I might fall when standing on a stool to change a lightbulb.

I also remember us getting into an argument once and I got so mad I drove off. I didn’t know how to fill up gas at a gas station because there were no self-service gas stations in South Africa back then. I actually had to ask someone who was pumping gas how to pop open my gas cap, and how to pump gas. My ex was relieved when I finally came home and when I told him that I filled up my own gas, he was so happy and grateful. He thanked me for learning how to pump my own gas so that he won’t have to worry that I might run out of gas while driving on my own one of these days. 😛

There was another time when I almost passed out while showering because I wasn’t feeling well. I told him about it after he came home. Ever since then, he would go and check on me if he felt that I was in the bathroom for too long.

He’s really very caring and protective towards me. The downside of this though is him being too possessive and controlling as well. He also gets angry easily and was not able to control his anger at times, which has hurt me deeply, up to this day…

He also has road rage and sometimes would scare the heck out of me because I have no idea that he’s decided to race really quickly to the car that cut him off and hit the brakes at the very last second. I just thought that he lost control and we were going to crash. This often triggered my fear response and sends me into a state of panic.

I think his anger issues and possessiveness were one of the main reasons that caused us to grow apart. He called me and texted me all the time every single day, which I appreciated since I loved talking to him. But there were phases when he was going a bit overboard like when I already told him that I’m having lunch with my friends and he’ll intentionally call me at that time and wanted me to have a long conversation with him so that everyone will know that I have a boyfriend.

There is a fine line between caring and overcaring, and sometimes it’s so hard to find that balance. I think that’s what we’re all striving for in our lives, to find the right balance in everything that we do.

We’ve been keeping in constant contact all this time, sometimes more often than others. He has kept everything of mine, most of which I don’t even remember, and he’ll text me a photo of something of mine, or of me, that he just saw and reminisce about the past.

After we decided to just be friends, he still wanted to be intimate with me but I didn’t give in to my desires, the main reason being that I wanted us to be friends forever. I knew that if we still had intimacy and crossed that line, then things will get confusing between us and we won’t be able to remain friends. It is so important for me to have him as my friend for the rest of our lives since there is such a strong bond between us.

We’ve been through some tough times and arguments throughout all this time, but we both know that we will always be there for each other in our times of need. I’d been telling him ever since my ex-husband’s company went under in Sept 2019 that we may be moving back to SoCal and he has been very supportive of our move all this time. He just asked me recently if I’m moving back to LA and I told him not yet.

I’m very appreciative and grateful that I still have him as a good friend in my life, who will always welcome me back with open arms if I decide to move back to SoCal after my divorce is finalized.

Friends Forever… 🤗

Friends Forever (Graduation)

~ Vitamin C

And so we talked all night about the rest of our lives
Where we’re gonna be when we turn 25
I keep thinking times will never change
Keep on thinking things will always be the same (Same)

But when we leave this year, we won’t be coming back
No more hanging out ’cause we’re on a different track
And if you got something that you need to say
You better say it right now
‘Cause you don’t have another day

‘Cause we’re moving on, and we can’t slow down
These memories are playing like a film without sound
And I keep thinking of that night in June
I didn’t know much of love, but it came too soon (Too soon)

And there was me and you, and then it got real blue
Stay at home talkin’ on the telephone
And we would get so excited, and we’d get so scared
Laughing at ourselves thinking life’s not fair
And this is how it feels

As we go on, we remember
All the times we had together
And as our lives change, come whatever
We will still be friends forever

So if we get the big jobs, and we make the big money
When we look back now, will that joke still be funny?
Will we still remember everything we learned in school?
Still be trying to break every single rule

Will little brainy Bobby be the stockbroker man?
Can Heather find a job that won’t interfere with her tan?
I keep, keep thinking that it’s not goodbye
Keep on thinking it’s a time to fly (Ooh ooh ooh)
And this is how it feels

As we go on, we remember
All the times we had together
And as our lives change, come whatever
We will still be friends forever

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
Yeah, yeah, yeah
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la (We will still be friends forever)

Will we think about tomorrow like we think about now?
Can we survive it out there? Can we make it somehow?
I guess I thought that this would never end
And suddenly it’s like we’re women and men

Will the past be a shadow that will follow us ’round?
Will these memories fade when I leave this town?
I keep, keep thinking that it’s not goodbye (It’s not goodbye)
Keep on thinking it’s a time to fly

As we go on, we remember (We remember)
All the times we had together
And as our lives change, come whatever (Come whatever)
We will still be friends forever (Always)

As we go on, we remember (As we go on)
All the times we had together (Yeah)
And as our lives change, come whatever (Come whatever)
We will still be, friends forever

As we go on, we remember (Oh, yes, we remember)
All the times we had together
And as our lives change, come whatever
We will still be friends forever (Always remember)

• Theme for the Month:
• Reflection
• Affirmations for the Month:
• I embrace my past and am thankful for the lessons I have learned.
• I let go of my fears, anxieties, and negative thoughts.
• I trust my gut and follow my heart and intuition.
• Saturday (09/03/22):
• It’s September now, can you believe that? In less than four months, 2022 will be over.
• I’ve been experiencing writer’s block lately, probably because I feel emotionally blocked as well.
• I’m still going through two long training programs to build my affiliate marketing website mindbodylist.com and because I got hasty and skipped many lessons, I just realized that I didn’t do a lot of things the “best” way. So now I have to redo them again, sigh…
• It’s important that I do everything correctly though, in terms of SEO optimization, and not violating Amazon’s terms of service. Otherwise, I’ll get banned from Amazon as being an affiliate and I definitely don’t want that.
• I also have to go back and watch a whole bunch of training videos that I skipped so that I don’t discover later on down the road that I did something wrong again. Haste makes waste! 😢
• I’m currently writing articles on crystals and am supposed to write 100 articles on them. Are you kidding me????? Every crystal I write about seems to all be the same now. I’m not even sure what I’m writing about anymore…
• I was halfway through a journal entry but decided not to continue writing that journal entry either…
• Sunday (09/04/22):
• I pushed through my mental blocks and published my 5th article just now on mindbodylist.com. Woohoo! 😃
• Wednesday (09/07/22):
• Yay! I got my very first commission sales from MindBodyList.com thanks to my dear friend, Mr. G! I have to get at least two more sales recorded before Amazon will officially accept my account’s validity permanently.
• I asked some of my friends on Sunday to please click on my product recommendations if they need to order anything from Amazon. Mr. G did it right away, even though he didn’t need to order anything from Amazon.
• Getting the first commission sales from Amazon within a limited time period is very important. Otherwise, my account will get closed, I’ll have to reapply and change every single link for my products to my new account. So far, I’ve only written 5 articles, but that’s already 165 links and it’s very time-consuming, not to mention, discouraging…
• Getting this first commission sale recognition from Amazon has now given me the strength and courage to continue writing more articles (which are kind of overtaxing on my brain right now) on my website.
• Thank you so much, Mr. G! You’re such a good friend! 😃