- 1. Building an Internal Guidance System:
- P. 139
- A. Alone time:
- B. Building self-awareness:
- a. Daily journaling:
- b. Self-awareness:
- C. Listening to your body:
- 2. Getting to Know Yourself:
- A. Knowing what you feel:
- a. Building your emotional vocabulary:
- b. Honoring your feelings:
- c. Allowing your feelings:
- B. Identifying your needs:
- First, you have to find out what you need and want. This is an essential step in recovery, usually not addressed in Twelve Step programs.
- It’s important to have your needs satisfied because you feel emotional pain when they’re not.
- Many codependents isolate rather than reach out.
- When your needs are met, you feel happy, grateful, safe, loved, playful, alert and calm. When they’re not, you are sad, fearful, angry, tired and lonely.
- Table 9-3 ~ Categories of Needs: P. 149.
Table 9-3 ~ Categories of Needs:
| Mental | Emo-tional | Physical | Spiri-tual | Self-worth | Auto-nomy | Social |
| Information | Intimacy | Rest | Contem-plation | Authen-ticity | Purpose | Family |
| Awareness | Accept-ance | Shelter | Medi-tation | Honesty | Self-Growth | Reci-procity |
| Reflection | Being Under-stood | Food | Reverance | Self-Respect | Goals | Co-operation |
| Clarity | Love | Water | Order | Con-fidence | Creati-vity | Justice |
| Discern-ment | Affect-ion | Air | Grati-tude | Friend-ship | Indepen-dence | Re-liability |
| Compre-hension | Support | Sensual Pleasure | Hope | Apprecia-tion | Empower-ment | Companion-ship |
| Mental Stimulation | Caring | Health | Faith | Meaning | Freedom | Communi-cation |
| Learning | Enthu-siasm | Medical Check-ups | Beauty | Integrity | Self-expression | Connect-ion |
| Grieving | Move-ment | Inspi-ration | Respect from Others | Solitude | Generosity | |
| Nur-turing | Safety / Security | Peace | Community | |||
| Passion | Play | |||||
| Humor | Trust |
- C. Identifying your wants:
- Your wants are expressions of your uniqueness. If they weren’t mirrored in childhood, then you may have stopped wanting.
- Rather than be shamed or disappointed, codependents shut down their desires.
- Complete this sentence: “I really want to…”
- One of your wants may become a goal.
- Make a Want List of things you can do or get.
- Start with the easiest and make it a goal to do each thing on your list.
- How much of your life is driven by what you think you have to do.
- Be aware that some obligations reflect deeper wants, e.g. “I have to go to the doctor”, actually reflects a deeper desire to be healthy.
- D. Trusting yourself:
- If you look to others for answers, then you give up living your own life.
- Listening to yourself and honoring your feelings are the beginnings of trusting, loving and protecting yourself.
- Listen for that small voice you may have ignored in the past. Wait for it before making decisions. Notice what you think you “should” do, versus what you “want” to do.
- Also, be aware that your impressions and feelings change over time as you get to know someone.
- In making decisions, ask yourself, “What would be the most loving thing to do?”
- Listening to yourself is also the gateway to uncovering your passions.
- If a decision you made had an adverse effect, consider it a “learning experience”.
- E. Identifying your values:
- You give more time and attention to the things you value the most.
- Being whole includes knowing what you stand for. This is part of your journey of self-discovery.
- Integrity means integration of your values, beliefs, and behavior – that you “walk your talk”.
- freedom
- wealth,
- creativity
- true love
- family
- pleasure
- health
- truth
- respect
- compassion
- 3. Being Your Authentic Self:
- Authenticity means being honest and genuine.
- Learn to know yourself and gradually risk bringing the real you into the world by expressing and acting on what you know. This is a major part of overcoming codependency.
- Facing and accepting the truth is the beginning of change.
- The ongoing process of self-discovery challenges you to discover who you really are.