I am married to a functional alcoholic that is devoid of emotions. I have strong feelings towards someone that is also non-communicative, non-expressive of his feelings, and seems to enjoy inflicting pain upon me. I started having deeper conversations with someone else, but just found out that he enjoys having pain being inflicted upon him; which is not what I enjoy, so we’ll just have to remain friends.
I never need to show my ID, except for my initial doctor’s appointment. Last night, I was emptying my husband’s pockets to wash his jacket, and I found his ID in his pocket. Why would he need to show his ID? He hasn’t seen a doctor for a very long time now and I would know if he had a doctor’s appointment, since I set them up for him. The only time one would need to show their ID in the US is to buy cigarettes, alcohol, or to enter a club.
I just washed his jacket last weekend, so I know that he used his ID card some time this week. I asked him why did he have to use his ID? I was secretly hoping that he would give me a reasonable answer. Even if it was just a half-reasonable answer, I would probably just accept it and let it go. However, he became very defensive and started yelling at me and insulting me. He started complaining of being married to me. I asked him if he wanted to separate? Perhaps, we still live under the same roof but separate, since we’ve already been doing that for over a year now anyway?
I told him to stop yelling. I refuse to be gaslighted by him any longer. All this time, in order to keep peace, I just let him gaslight me, even though I know that he is bullshitting me. This is why I get depressed, because I need to suppress the truth, in order to keep peace. I told him that I know there’s no good reason for him having to show his ID. He leaves work every day late at night, I even suspect that he may be seeing someone. But how would I know? We’ve been sleeping in separate rooms and lately, I’ve decided to stop waiting up for him so I’m in bed before he comes home. I’m not even sure what time he’s back home or if he drank?
And then there’s this person that I had developed strong feelings for quite a while now. However, we hardly see each other or speak with each other. He’s flighty. One day he’ll act like he cares about me, but the next time I see him, he’s flirting with someone else, or just acting cold towards me. I’m beginning to realize that there’s probably just physical attraction between us, and nothing more. Besides, we’re so different in so many ways… And he seems to enjoy inflicting pain upon others. He has hurt me in the past…
I started having some light-hearted enjoyable conversations with another person, but just found out that he enjoys having pain being inflicted upon him. I thought about it. I’m not that kind of person. I don’t enjoy having pain being inflicted upon me, and neither do I enjoy inflicting pain upon others as well. Even if it ultimately brings them pleasure. And will I ever be able to find a man that does not enjoy drinking alcohol?
At this point, I don’t think I’ll ever find the right person for me, sigh…. I think I can only rely on myself. Love myself, honor my own needs and wants. Perhaps this is my life lesson, my life journey…
Vincent (Starry, Starry Night)
~ Don McLean
Starry, starry night
Paint your palette blue and gray
Look out on a summer’s day
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul
Shadows on the hills
Sketch the trees and the daffodils
Catch the breeze and the winter chills
In colors on the snowy, linen land
Now, I understand what you tried to say to me
And how you suffered for your sanity
And how you tried to set them free
They would not listen, they did not know how
Perhaps they’ll listen now
Starry, starry night
Flaming flowers that brightly blaze
Swirling clouds in violet haze
Reflect in Vincent’s eyes of china blue
Colors changing hue
Morning fields of amber grain
Weathered faces lined in pain
Are soothed beneath the artist’s loving hand
Now, I understand, what you tried to say to me
How you suffered for your sanity
How you tried to set them free
They would not listen, they did not know how
Perhaps they’ll listen now
For they could not love you
But still your love was true
And when no hope was left inside
On that starry, starry night
You took your life as lovers often do
But I could have told you, Vincent
This world was never meant for one
As beautiful as you
Starry, starry night
Portraits hung in empty halls
Frameless heads on nameless walls
With eyes that watch the world and can’t forget
Like the strangers that you’ve met
The ragged men in ragged clothes
The silver thorn of bloody rose
Lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow
Now, I think I know what you tried to say to me
How you suffered for your sanity
How you tried to set them free
They would not listen, they’re not listening still
Perhaps they never will…