Day: June 6, 2021

Will My Day Ever Come?

by

I am married to a functional alcoholic that is devoid of emotions. I have strong feelings towards someone that is also non-communicative, non-expressive of his feelings, and seems to enjoy inflicting pain upon me. I started having deeper conversations with someone else, but just found out that he enjoys having pain being inflicted upon him; which is not what I enjoy, so we’ll just have to remain friends.

Vincent (Starry, Starry Night) ~ Don McLean

I never need to show my ID, except for my initial doctor’s appointment. Last night, I was emptying my husband’s pockets to wash his jacket, and I found his ID in his pocket. Why would he need to show his ID? He hasn’t seen a doctor for a very long time now and I would know if he had a doctor’s appointment, since I set them up for him. The only time one would need to show their ID in the US is to buy cigarettes, alcohol, or to enter a club.

I just washed his jacket last weekend, so I know that he used his ID card some time this week. I asked him why did he have to use his ID? I was secretly hoping that he would give me a reasonable answer. Even if it was just a half-reasonable answer, I would probably just accept it and let it go. However, he became very defensive and started yelling at me and insulting me. He started complaining of being married to me. I asked him if he wanted to separate? Perhaps, we still live under the same roof but separate, since we’ve already been doing that for over a year now anyway?

I told him to stop yelling. I refuse to be gaslighted by him any longer. All this time, in order to keep peace, I just let him gaslight me, even though I know that he is bullshitting me. This is why I get depressed, because I need to suppress the truth, in order to keep peace. I told him that I know there’s no good reason for him having to show his ID. He leaves work every day late at night, I even suspect that he may be seeing someone. But how would I know? We’ve been sleeping in separate rooms and lately, I’ve decided to stop waiting up for him so I’m in bed before he comes home. I’m not even sure what time he’s back home or if he drank?

And then there’s this person that I had developed strong feelings for quite a while now. However, we hardly see each other or speak with each other. He’s flighty. One day he’ll act like he cares about me, but the next time I see him, he’s flirting with someone else, or just acting cold towards me. I’m beginning to realize that there’s probably just physical attraction between us, and nothing more. Besides, we’re so different in so many ways… And he seems to enjoy inflicting pain upon others. He has hurt me in the past…

I started having some light-hearted enjoyable conversations with another person, but just found out that he enjoys having pain being inflicted upon him. I thought about it. I’m not that kind of person. I don’t enjoy having pain being inflicted upon me, and neither do I enjoy inflicting pain upon others as well. Even if it ultimately brings them pleasure. And will I ever be able to find a man that does not enjoy drinking alcohol?

At this point, I don’t think I’ll ever find the right person for me, sigh…. I think I can only rely on myself. Love myself, honor my own needs and wants. Perhaps this is my life lesson, my life journey…

Vincent (Starry, Starry Night)

~ Don McLean

Starry, starry night
Paint your palette blue and gray
Look out on a summer’s day
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul

Shadows on the hills
Sketch the trees and the daffodils
Catch the breeze and the winter chills
In colors on the snowy, linen land

Now, I understand what you tried to say to me
And how you suffered for your sanity
And how you tried to set them free
They would not listen, they did not know how
Perhaps they’ll listen now

Starry, starry night
Flaming flowers that brightly blaze
Swirling clouds in violet haze
Reflect in Vincent’s eyes of china blue

Colors changing hue
Morning fields of amber grain
Weathered faces lined in pain
Are soothed beneath the artist’s loving hand

Now, I understand, what you tried to say to me
How you suffered for your sanity
How you tried to set them free
They would not listen, they did not know how
Perhaps they’ll listen now

For they could not love you
But still your love was true
And when no hope was left inside
On that starry, starry night

You took your life as lovers often do
But I could have told you, Vincent
This world was never meant for one
As beautiful as you

Starry, starry night
Portraits hung in empty halls
Frameless heads on nameless walls
With eyes that watch the world and can’t forget

Like the strangers that you’ve met
The ragged men in ragged clothes
The silver thorn of bloody rose
Lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow

Now, I think I know what you tried to say to me
How you suffered for your sanity
How you tried to set them free
They would not listen, they’re not listening still
Perhaps they never will…

Chapter 3 – Break the Tyranny of Negative Thoughts – PTSD Workbook

by
  • PTSD is full of recurring, disturbing and intrusive thoughts, many of which become negative self-beliefs, beliefs you have about yourself.
  • The I-System captures certain thoughts and gets stuck on them. This keeps the I-System “on” and the true self “off”.
  • Because the true self is in charge of healing, you can’t heal while this is happening, leaving you feeling discouraged and damaged.
  • Mind-body bridging practices quiet the I-System, letting your ability to heal yourself resume on its own.
  • What do we do about those recurring, disturbing and intrusive negative thoughts? You already know that pushing them away only gives them more energy.
  • The mind works with both positive and negative thoughts. The only time we will get rid of our negative thoughts is when we’re brain-dead.
  • Our naturally functioning true-self creates harmony and balance with both sides of opposite thoughts. e.g. being sick and being well are both conditions of the mind-body. Your true self deals appropriately with each.
  • But the I-System has a totally different approach. The I-System has a part (subsystem) called the “depressor”. The depressor works by taking your negative thoughts and self-talk (things you say to yourself), and creating body tension and mind clutter. It takes a negative thought like “I’m a loser. I can’t do it. I’ll never be the same. I’m no good, or I’m damaged”, and weaves a story about that thought; embedding the negativity into every cell of your body. You are left seeing yourself as incomplete, damaged or broken and you have a story to prove it! This state is known as the “damaged self”.
  • The original question, “What do I do about my negative thought?” now becomes “What do I do about my depressor?”. That’s what this chapter is all about.
  • Day 1:
  • 05/31/21 (Monday)
  • The “depressor” is the doom and gloom of your I-System, using negative self-talk to reinforce the damaged self. Today, you’ll begin to recognize your negative self-talk.
  • Throughout the day, notice and log your negative self-talk. Note the nature (such as sharp, cramping, painful, heavy, or tense), location, and intensity of any body tension that comes with it.
  • Negative Self-Talk and Body Tension
  • Do a “Depressor” map. Around the word “Depressor”, scatter your negative self-talk and any thoughts you have when you’re bummed out. List your Body Tension at the bottom of the map.
  • What’s your behavior like when your depressor is active?
  • The thoughts on your map are natural thoughts that happen to be negative. The depressor works by grabbing a negative thought and embedding the negativity in your body. The resulting distress you feel starts the vicious cycle as more negative thoughts follow. This creates a heavy burden that affects how you live your life. Seeing how this depressor works breaks this vicious cycle.
  • Let’s see how your “depressor” works. From the map you made, take the thought that creates a lot of body tension and disturbs you the most (e.g. I can’t do anything right) and write it in the center of your map – “Troubling Thought From My Depressor Map”. Now, scatter around the oval any thoughts that come to mind. Use phrases or complete sentences like “I was fine before”. List your body tensions at the bottom of the map.
  • The map you just did holds the key to controlling your depressor. All the thoughts on your map are spun into stories (true or not) by your I-System. Just think about the stories that come to mind about your negative thoughts. These are called “storylines”. It’s very important to recognize and become aware of their power.
  • Storylines are the link between any negative thought that pops into your mind and the mind-body distress you experienced on the last two maps.
  • The I-System’s spinning storyline takes a natural negative thought and embeds the negativity into every cell of your body, thereby making a mind-body connection.
  • Storylines keep the I-System going, taking you away from the present moment and keeping you from living your life at its best.
  • Without the depressor’s storylines, negative thoughts can not cause any distress.
  • Be aware of your storylines. Tell yourself “I am having the thought of…” and then become aware of your surroundings and your senses.
  • This powerful tools is called “Storyline Awareness“ – you don’t need to push the story away; you just need to be aware of it. Your awareness melts the storyline.
  • Do this exercise: Start mulling over one of your most powerful storylines and try to keep it going. Now, be aware of the background sounds and observe how your storyline unfolds. Is it running out of gas? Do you see how powerful your AWARENESS is? What do you notice?
  • Look back at the items on your Depressor map and consider each one. See if you can find additional storylines. When spun by your I-System, storylines are just stories; they have a direct physical effect on your body and try to create your reality.
  • By using your storyline awareness tool (just being aware of the storyline) during the day, you’ll see how much of your day storylines swallow up.
  • Day 2:
  • 06/06/21 (Sun)
  • A. Throughout the day, notice when your depressor gets you down.
  • Observe your body tension, storylines, and behaviors. Note how your depressor interferes with your natural functioning, making you see yourself as damaged.
  • a. How do you recognize when your depressor is overactive?
  • e.g. heavy body, tight feeling in stomach, thoughts that I’m no good.
  • b. What’s your behavior like?
  • e.g. become irritable, want to get away from people, eat too much.
  • c. How does it interfere with your natural functioning?
  • e.g. don’t make good decisions, am a lousy parents, etc.
  • d. Do you experience yourself as damaged?
  • If Yes, how so?
  • e. What were today’s storylines?
  • e.g. The thought – My life is too hard. The storyline – I can’t get things done. I’m not the person I need to be. Why did this happen to me? I’m too tired to get through the day…
  • f. If what ways are these thoughts and storylines creating who you are?
  • g. What are your requirements?
  • e.g. My life should be easier. I should get things done. I should be the person I used to be. This shouldn’t have happened to me. I shouldn’t be worn out.
  • B. Do a Depressor map, scattering your negative self-talk around the paper. Write as much as you can for a couple of minutes. Describe your body tension at the body of the map.
  • a. Body Tension:
  • b. Did you have thoughts like “I’m a loser”? Remember, labeling your thoughts lets you see that a thought is just a thought, which keeps your from identifying with the content of that thought. Instead of thinking, “I’m a loser”, say to yourself, “I’m having the thought that ~ I’m a loser”.
  • Can you see that the problem is not the content of your thoughts, but rather the depressor capturing that thought, spinning a storyline, and embedding the negativity in your mind and body?
  • When your awareness prevents the depressor from embedding the negativity of your thoughts into your body, we call it “befriending your depressor”.
  • Observations:
  • Day 3:
  • Day 4:
  • Day 5:
  • Day 6:
  • Day 7:

Source(s): Mind-Body Workbook for PTSD. A 10-Week Program for Healing After Trauma. By Stanley H. Block, MD, & Carolyn Bryant Block