🌺 Journal

I feel so down. I lost my expensive smartphone that I’ve only had for a year now, and will have to continue to pay off the balance through my cellphone carrier. 😢

I went to Bed Bath and Beyond to get my Tempur-pedic pillow this afternoon, then to Kohl’s nearby to return some items I purchased from Amazon (they accept returns on behalf of Amazon), and then did some grocery shopping at Cub in the same plaza.

My right shoulder has been hurting a lot this afternoon and still is right now. I don’t know if the constant pain kind of put me in a mildly dissociated state this afternoon? After returning the Amazon items, I saw on the receipt that Kohl’s offered a free $5 rewards certificate for using their services to return Amazon items.

I really had nothing in mind to buy, and didn’t feel like wasting money just to use up the $5 free money. However, I decided to just walk around and see if there’s anything I can buy for around $5. I walked around the entire store and could not find anything to buy. I finally decided to stop wasting my time and went to Cub.

When I walked back to my car with the groceries I bought from Cub, I realized that I didn’t have my phone with me. I quickly went back to Cub, left my husband’s name and number with the customer service representative (in case someone turns in my phone), and walked around the entire store to check and see if my phone is lying around somewhere.

I then drove back to Kohl’s and repeated the entire process. I know that I either left my cellphone at Kohl’s or Cub, but not Bed Bath and Beyond (the first store I went to), since I had to show the QR code on my phone when I returned my Amazon purchases at Kohl’s, so I know for a fact that I still had my phone on me when entered Kohl’s.

Man, that $5 reward certificate (which I did not end up using anyway) was a complete waste of my time and money (my lost cellphone, which is almost 300 times more than that reward certificate). I walked back to my car, then decided to walk back again to Kohl’s to check for one more time, before I finally gave up.

I drove to my carrier store nearby to buy a new SIM card for my cellphone number and headed home. 😢

When I worked for my second contact tracing job last year, we had to use our own phones, so I used my iPhone for that, and then bought my husband and myself new Samsung 5G phones, and used the new Samsung phone as my primary phone. A main reason I decided to switch brands was because with iPhones, I would have to take off my mask (or punch in my passcode) in order to unlock it, but Samsung still offered fingerprint unlocking.

After I got home, I popped the new SIM card into my old iPhone and called my husband. I said to him, “I lost my phone”. He replied, “Do we have insurance on our phones?”, and I said “No”. He paused for a second, and then calmly said to me, “Then it’s time for you to get a new phone”. I was very touched and appreciative of what he did. He did not get mad at me for losing such an expensive phone, nor did he ask me to provide details as to how I managed to lose my phone while shopping either?

I thanked him for saying that I can buy a new phone and told him that I went to get a new SIM card from our carrier store, and thank goodness I still have my iPhone from when I did my second contact tracing job, so will be using that instead from now on.

We have not been on good terms this year. We used to say ‘Lubu’ when we end a call, but for the past few months, we hardly even talk on the phone. We just text each other. And his text after arriving at work used to end with, “Have a nice day, xoxo!”, but since our altercation a few months back when I asked him why he had to use his driver’s license (and hence, did he use it to buy alcohol?), his text in the morning just became “Leaving at 21.45”. Yup, he loves using military time, thank goodness Taiwan also uses military time. A lot of people in the US don’t know military time and sometimes he would laugh at them for not knowing how to convert military time into am/pm.

After such a long time of being cold towards each other, I wasn’t expecting him to say “Love you” at the end of our call so I just said, “Ok, bye”. Instead of just saying, “Bye” back to me, he said, “Love you”. I replied back, “love you”, and then we said bye to each other and ended the call. That was really sweet and supportive of him. And we just got into an argument last night over something really insignificant. I told him to stop gaslighting me, got so mad, swore at him, and slammed his bedroom door as I left. 😞

Unless it’s regarding alcohol, my husband and I only get into arguments over silly little things. When it comes to important decisions, we’re always on the same page, or will make sure that we get on the same page. But it’s these silly little things that we can not come into agreement with ~ power struggle over stupid insignificant things…

When he came home from work just now, I thanked him for his support and told him that I really appreciate it. It was the way he handled it that I appreciate a lot. He completely omitted the getting upset at me for losing the cellphone part, and just moved on to telling me to get a new one.

Come to think of it, my husband has always been very generous towards me financially. I can’t recall ever once paying when we went out together. And after we had joint accounts, I handled them, but he was always the major breadwinner. And mind you, it’s not like he’s filthy rich. He’s okay, being a medical device engineer, but we’re probably just classified as middle income or upper middle income class. And he is very money-smart as well, so it’s not like he’s being ignorant regarding finances. He’s truly being very generous towards me when it comes to money. Now, if only he could also be generous towards me emotionally & physically as well… 🤔

When we were dating, he took me out on fancy, expensive dates and boat excursions. I remember we went on a cruise tour in San Diego while we were dating, and once we boarded the boat and sat down, he handed me $100 cash and asked me to buy some snacks for us. Unless you buy a lot of alcohol, there’s really not much you can spend on a boat tour. They only sell cheap snacks and cheap alcohol on board. I don’t remember if I managed to buy us $100 worth of snacks, but that was really fun and sweet of him.

I think he also realizes that I don’t like to waste money and I always try to find the best deals and use coupons, etc. But if it comes to something that we’ll be using for a long time (such as our cellphones and laptops), then I do tend to buy the high-end products.

I just appreciate him a lot for the way he handled me losing my cellphone this afternoon. Thank you hubby for your support!

My right shoulder is still hurting a lot, I should stop typing now…

Thank you

~Dido

My tea’s gone cold
I’m wondering why I got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds up my window
And I can’t see at all

And even if I could, it’d all be grey
But your picture on my wall
It reminds me that it’s not so bad
It’s not so bad

I drank too much last night, got bills to pay
My head just feels in pain
I missed the bus and there’ll be hell today
I’m late for work again

And even if I’m there, they’ll all imply
That I might not last the day
And then you call me and it’s not so bad
It’s not so bad

And I want to thank you
For giving me the best day of my life
Oh, just to be with you
Is having the best day of my life

Push the door, I’m home at last
And I’m soaking through and through
And then you handed me a towel

And all I see is you
And even if my house falls down now
I wouldn’t have a clue
Because you’re near me

And I want to thank you
For giving me the best day of my life
Oh, just to be with you
Is having the best day of my life

And I want to thank you
For giving me the best day of my life
Oh, just to be with you
Is having the best day of my life

This was one of my favorite songs back in dental school. It has a melancholic tone to it, and reflects how I used to feel back then. Sometimes, I feel like I’m “the Guitar Man”. I keep on drifting miles and miles away, constantly searching for the songs to play…

Johannesburg (the city where my dental school is located) is about 6.5 hours away from the nearest ocean (the Indian ocean, in Durban). I have always loved the ocean since I was a child, so always long to go to the beach and watch the waves ebb and flow.

My father got transferred back to Taiwan after I started dental school, and then my entire family went back not long thereafter. I was the only one left in South Africa, all on my own. The university breaks were the hardest times for me since most of my friends live near Durban and they all went home during the spring and winter breaks.

One time (I can’t remember if we were on a spring break or winter break), three of my friends (and classmates) were going to carpool together and go back to Durban. They came to visit me at my flat to bid me goodbye. After we got talking for a while, they told me to come along with them. And I said “Yes”! 😃 So I quickly packed my bags and we took off together to Durban. I remember something funny that happened along the way. We passed by many farmlands and could smell the manure even with our windows closed. So someone accused someone else (can’t remember who accused who now) of farting! 😆

All four of us are good friends and study buddies. We each have a study partner and the 6 of us became good friends and formed our own study group, so we hung out together a lot. We did everything together; whether it’s studying together, or having fun.

My good friend (if I remember correctly, it was he who held me in his arms as I was passing out during our group meeting) invited me to stay with him at his parent’s home. He always took good care of me, and helped me with whatever I was struggling with at the time. We also studied together and just sat on the grass chatting and relaxing during breaktimes. I would actually lie on his lap (or on the grass next to him? I can’t remember now…) and just fall asleep for a while.

He’s very supportive of me, and I always felt this energy of unconditional love emanating from him; that even if we never got together romantically, he will always still be there for me. He’s a couple of years older than me, and I also felt like he’s my big brother.

We went to the beach at night when I stayed at his parent’s place in Durban. We stood on the pier and I told him that I just want to jump off the pier and end my life. The stress from dental school (that I did not enjoy to begin with), from being completely alone on my own, from my sister’s illness, and from my abusive relationship with my ex just took a complete toll on my health ~ physically and mentally. He held me tightly and comforted me.

Eventually, something happened between us physically, but I did not feel that we were compatible intimately, so I wanted us to stay as friends. He came to my flat to talk about it. Thinking back, when I was under extreme stress, my brain would shut down completely. It was a long conversation and after a while, my brain just shut down and I fell asleep. I woke up when I heard him storming out and slamming the door behind him. I quickly ran out and he yelled something very hurtful to me as he walked away…

His parents came to congratulate me on our graduation ceremony, but him and I never spoke again since that day he stormed out of my flat.

I had thought about him and about us over the years. When I first joined Facebook, I added all of my dental school friends and was so excited to be communicating with them once again, and in such a convenient way. I didn’t send a friend request to him back then as I wasn’t sure if I should.

I finally created a new Facebook profile this year after being dormant for many years, ever since all of my devices & accounts got hacked back in 2017. I quickly found all of my dental friends and we started communicating again! 😃 My study partner told me that she has formed a group on WhatsApp and invited me to join that group. She told me the members in that group, and it included him as well. I told her that I’m too overwhelmed with having to re-create and manage a whole bunch of social media accounts and just want to stick with Facebook for now. I told her that I will contact him on Facebook instead.

I messaged him on Facebook and sent him a friend request as well. He added me on as a Facebook friend and told me that he contracted Covid from a patient last year. He lost 22 kgs in 3 weeks and almost died, but that he is healed now. I told him that I am so happy that he is okay now and am glad that our friendship has stayed as strong as ever.

He messaged me on Facebook last Saturday to let me know that ever since our last conversation (which was a few months back), his heart has stopped beating three times, due to Covid complications. He said that he is feeling better now and wake up every day feeling so lucky to be alive.

I was so sad and worried to hear that. 😥 I thanked him for letting me know about this and asked for us to keep in touch more often. I told him that I’m really happy that we got to reconnect again; that he was a good friend, and we had some really good times together.

He replied back and said that I was the best friend to him and he appreciates it very much. He said that he is also very happy that we have finally reconnected.

I was so touched from what he said. 😭 I wish things were different, and that we were able to remain good friends for all these years… I’m so grateful that he has survived Covid, and is slowly feeling better now. I wish for us to rebuild our friendship again. I’ll message him more often and see how he’s doing…

I don’t know why, but whenever I hear this song, it brings me back to the memories I have of standing on the pier, and just wanting to jump into the ocean…

The Guitar Man

~ Bread

Who draws the crowd and plays so loud
Baby it’s the guitar man
Who’s gonna steal the show
You know, baby, it’s the guitar man

He can make you love
He can make you cry
He will bring you down
Then he’ll get you high
Somethin’ keeps him goin’
Miles and miles a day
To find another place to play

Night after night who treats you right
Baby, it’s the guitar man
Who’s on the radio
You go listen to the guitar man

Then he comes to town
And you see his face
And you think you might
Like to take his place
Somethin’ keeps him driftin’
Miles and miles away
Searchin’ for the songs to play

Then you listen to the music
And you like to sing along
You want to get the meaning
Out of each and every song
Then you find yourself a message
And some words to call your own
And take them home

He can make you love
He can get you high
He will bring you down
Then he’ll make you cry
Somethin’ keeps him movin’
But no one seems to know
What it is that makes him go

Then the lights begin to flicker
And the sound is getting dim
The voice begins to falter
And the crowds are getting thin
But he never seems to notice
He’s just got to find
Another place to play

Fade away
Got to play
Fade away
Got to play

• Theme for the Week:
• Functional Nutrition Test Results – Appointment 1
• One glass of vege juice per day
• Start taking Neuroptene every day
• Affirmations for the Week:
• Better and Better!
• I AM getting Happier & Healthier each and every day!
• I AM filled with Energy and Vitality!
• Sunday (08/08/21):
• 🌺 Today is Father’s day in Taiwan. It would have been easier if Taiwan just followed the rest of the world and celebrated Father’s day on the third Sunday in June each year. However, the number ‘8’ is pronounced ‘Ba’ in Mandarin, and so is the word ‘father’. This is why Taiwan celebrates Father’s day on the 8th of August each year. I just have to remember to buy the Father’s day card in June because they no longer sell it after Father’s day in the US.
• 🌺 I called my parents just now to wish my dad “Happy Father’s Day”. We actually sent my dad two Father’s day cards this year. Mom said that she keeps all of the greeting cards we send them and took out two from the previous years to read to my dad today.
• 🌺 Mom read the Father’s day cards that my husband and I sent to my dad in 2018 and 2019 to me over the phone just now. I love the one I wrote to dad in 2018. I wished dad great health, happiness, and love. I also wrote that I hope dad can live for another 30 or 40 years! 😃
• 🌺 I really hope my mom and dad can live for another 30, 40 years. I wanna be able to take care of them and repay back some of the love and support that they have provided me with my entire life. I will never be able to match all of the love and support that they provide me with, but wish to at least be able to repay some back to them.
• 🌺 Happy Father’s Day my Dearest Daddy! I love you so much! I will always be your little girl! I wish you great health, happiness, wealth, joy and love! I pray that you live for another 30, 40 years in great health. I look forward to our family being together again one day, soon! Love you lots, WaWa! 🥰
• Monday (08/09/21):
• 🎂 My dad, mom and sister’s birthdays are all at the beginning of September, just a few days apart from each other. Yup, three Virgo’s in our family of five! Sometimes, I’d get lazy and just send one birthday card for all three of them but one year, mom told me that my sister was feeling unhappy because she didn’t get a card of her own.
• 🎂 This year, I bought two beautiful birthday cards. One for my parents, and one for my sister. I forgot to ask mom for my sister’s address when I called them yesterday to wish my dad Happy Father’s day, so I called mom again just now to ask her. She was very happy to hear that my husband I are sending a birthday card to my sister. She said that she had thought of asking me to do that, but didn’t want to bother us too much.
• 💐 I’ll be going for my Functional Medicine test results this afternoon. I have not eaten bread for over 6 months now. When I went grocery shopping yesterday and got my husband his bread, I started craving for it so much! If my test results show that I’m actually not sensitive (intolerant) to gluten, then I’m gonna either make myself a humongous sandwich, or go and buy the largest burger I can find! 🤤
• 🌸 I’ve been dissociating more these days, especially when I’m in pain. It used to be when I got chiropractic adjustments, but now it’s also when I go for physical therapy and get myofascial release treatments. I’m going to tell my Functional Neurology doctor when I see him this afternoon about this. I may also have to let my physical therapist know about it, so that he doesn’t worry as to what’s going on with me these days?
• Tuesday (08/10/21):
• 🍑 I went for my first Functional Medicine follow-up appointment yesterday afternoon, and No, I did not go and get a Big Mac burger afterwards. ☹️ Reason being that my my saliva test results show that I do have the ‘Gluten Positive Genes’, which means that I have positive gluten sensitivity associated gene alleles. So, I am gluten-sensitive, in plain English. My body does not react well when I take in gluten; which is found in wheat, barley, pastas, noodles, bread, baked goods, cereal & granola, pancakes, and flour tortillas, etc. Basically, in most carbohydrates. 😢
• 🍑 I am also very deficient in Selenium, which is very important for thyroid health. TPO and Selenium are responsible for converting T4 into T3, which helps to maintain muscle control, brain function and development, heart and digestive functions.
• Wednesday (08/11/21):
• My eyes hurt. They’ve been hurting since last year. I just had my annual eye exam two weeks ago and the ophthalmologist said that my eyes are fine, just that I’m not secreting enough oil. He said that my eye pain is caused by my eye dryness. He told me to increase my Omega-3 intake. He also said that my Optic nerve is slightly enlarged, but that it seems to be age-related. I’m due to come back for an eye test in a few months time in order to establish a baseline for that.
• But if it’s just a simple issue of not secreting enough oil, then how can it hurt so much? and every day? Especially when I wake up in the middle of the night, I feel this pain (pressure) behind my eyes.
• My sister once again got hospitalized after she tried to take her own life again towards the end of 2019. After a few months, my parents made the painful decision of sending her to an institution for long term care. It was a grueling few weeks after they made that decision, before she got transferred as this is when doubts kick in and they keep on wondering if that is the right decision?
• She was transferred to the long-term care on January 9th, 2010 in an ambulance, in a sedated state. Otherwise, she would have never agreed to it.
• I cried every single day for months since the end of 2019. Every morning after waking up, I would go and lie on my yoga mat to stretch and start crying. This went on for weeks. Then winter came, so my SAD (seasonal affective depression) kicked in as well.
• I think this is why my eyes have been hurting ever since then. I probably damaged the eye glands somehow from all the crying. Then I took on three work-from-home jobs that required me to stare at the computer monitor constantly. I started noticing more eye issues after I took on the third job.
• I’ve since then slowly stopped all three. I stopped the last one in June. However, my eyes still hurt. I pray that I have not caused irreversible damage to my eyes.
• Thursday (08/12/21):
• 💐 I started DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) group therapy and individual sessions around the middle of 2019 to help with my PTSD symptoms. But then the medical device company that my husband had worked for for over 13 years had to shut down so we lost our health insurance. I stopped all of my medical and health treatments at the end of August 2019.
• 💐 Lately, I had been looking into finding a therapist that specializes in trauma since my dissociation has gotten worse now. Many of them are booked months in advance. I guess the pandemic has brought on more mental health issues now.
• 💐 Yesterday morning, I thought of checking back to see if my DBT therapist that I saw back in 2019 is still with the same clinic, and whether they still had the DBT group sessions. I emailed her and she replied back right away to say that they still are! 😃
• 💐 She had an opening at 2pm so I went and saw her for my initial consultation. I told her that I would like to focus on my “PTSD with dissociation and hypervigilance” for now. I saw that she is also trained in EMDR, which seems to help with dissociation, and asked if we could start from there instead? I told her that lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m just constantly in a mildly dissociated state, and am unable to live my life to its fullest.
• 💐 I still need to go through a couple of intake sessions before we can start the actual treatment. I’m looking forward to starting my EMDR session! 😄
• When I left, I pulled the door of my car and once again it would not open. Why? Because that silver car was not my car! 😝 This time, it wasn’t even a silver SUV, it was a silver sedan. Gosh, Helen, what am I gonna do with you? 🤪
• Friday (08/13/21):
• 😊 I told my physical therapist about my untreated PTSD with hypervigilance & dissociation yesterday afternoon. I told him that I’ve started my first counseling session on Tuesday and am so happy about that. He was very understanding and supportive of my condition. I appreciate that a lot!
• 😊 My therapist emailed to let me know that she’s currently unavailable for the EMDR sessions, but that I can start with the DBT sessions. They have a lot of rules and regulations and if I want to join their DBT group therapy, then I’m not allowed to have any outside therapy at the same. We’ve been going back and forth with our email communications and I just emailed her now to say that I will start with the individual DBT sessions, then add on the DBT group sessions, and later on add on the EMDR sessions as well. Good thing is that the DBT group session that’s starting at the end of September will be on “Distress Tolerance”, which I think will be very useful for me as well.
• 😊 I’m trying to always see the good side of things now, since every situation has a good and bad. So, even though I can’t start with the EMDR sessions right away, but the DBT group sessions on “Distress Tolerance” will be beneficial to me as well.
• 😊 I don’t know how long we’ll still have to stay in Minnesota (or the US), and I don’t know what Taiwan’s mental health system is like. So, I’m going to make the best out of whatever time I have left in Minnesota to learn all the tools I can, and heal as much as I can while I’m still here.
• Saturday (08/14/21):
• 6th Chakra – Third Eye Chakra – Imagination
• My thoughts create my reality at the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual levels.
• I use this power to create harmonious relationships between all these levels.
• I imagine the life I would like to have and I encourage my thoughts to be truthful, wise and discerning!

• Theme for the Week:
• Focus and Concentration
• Affirmations for the Week:
• I can direct my focus and concentration effortlessly towards anything I want.
• I focus on any task easily.
• I love being alert and present
• Sunday (08/01/21):
• I spoke with mom again this morning to check up on her email security settings, just to play it safe. I also asked her to record my cellphone number, my husband’s cellphone number and my ex’s cellphone number in an easy to find place, in case of emergencies.
• I accidentally gave mom my old cellphone number (My California number before I got hacked and eventually changed it to this present Minnesota number) as my ex’s cellphone number since we both have the same area code. In fact, my ex and I both got our cellphones (and thus cellphone numbers) at the same time.
• I miss my old cellphone number, it’s almost like a part of my self-identity, my previous life back in California. I can identify it a lot more than I can with this present Minnesota cellphone number. It was also the number I used for my acupuncture clinic back in California, which is also a past life that I no longer have here in Minnesota…
• I can easily get my Minnesota acupuncture license at any time. It’s just a matter of filling out the paperwork and paying the fees. However, what is the point, if I don’t feel safe treating patients with Covid still being an issue worldwide?
• I also don’t know how long I’ll be staying in Minnesota? I’ll have to go back to Taiwan to take care of my sister at some point. I don’t think it’s worth my time, my effort and my financial resources to start an acupuncture clinic just to end up closing it in a few years.
• I need to focus my attention on what’s really beneficial for my life path and my future. I need to focus on building my online business!
• I will, however, always keep my California acupuncture license, and my National certification active, so that I can keep my options open. This will also be very useful if I decide to open a health-related online business.
• I will start to jot down ideas related to starting a health-related, and/or, self-help related online business.
• C’mon Helen, get yourself out of this funk! This is your new life, your new identity. Make the best of out it! You can do it, I believe in you!!! 💗
• Monday (08/02/21):
• Happy Monday! Today is a brand new day. This week will be a wonderful week! 😃
• Tuesday (08/03/21):
• I woke up early again this morning but slept fairly well last night. This may become my new routine, of waking up at around 6am. Then I can spend some time practicing my gratitude exercise and meditating for a while. I can still go back to sleep for a while again if I still feel tired after my meditation.
• It definitely helped after waking up in the middle of the night last night to not start surfing the net or listening to YouTube videos. I’m going to do that from now on if I wake up in the middle of the night. To try and relax and fall back asleep again quickly, so as to improve my sleep efficiency score.
• Your Healthiest Self is Your BEST Self!
• Wednesday (08/04/21):
• I re-started watching the “Content Empire” videos, as I think it’s best for me to first learn how to monetize a blog the correct way, and then I’ll start posting content related to internet marketing courses that I’m learning for myself. This way, I’ll be able to “kill two birds with one stone” ~ learn internet marketing, and monetize it while doing so.
• I started with Week 1’s video. However, sometimes, I wonder if I have ADHD? I received any email regarding my health insurance so quickly did the appropriate research in order to reply to that email.
• Then, I remembered my annual eye exam visit from last Friday. The vision for my left eye is 20/20, and for my right eye is 20/25 (according to what the PA told me), which is basically perfect, considering my age, and how long it has been since I had my LASIK eye surgery (around 18 years ago). I seem to have started to develop some astigmatism since last year, which is what I have been suspecting myself as well. I think this is due to all the stress from last year, and from the three work-from-home jobs I took on last year, which required me to stare at the computer monitor constantly. Thank goodness I’ve stopped them now. I ordered some pinhole glasses which claim to help with various eye conditions and will start using them once they arrive.
• The ophthalmologist mentioned that my eyes are dry due to blocked oil glands, so he recommended that I do warm eye compresses twice a day, instead of just once a day. I need to remember that as I’ve only been doing it once a day. He also recommended that I increase my intake of Omega-3 fatty acids.
• He also mentioned that my optic nerve is slightly enlarged, but that it seems to be appropriate with my age. However, he has scheduled for me to come in for some tests in a few months time, in order to establish a baseline, so that we can see if it still enlarges in the future or not. I asked him what it means to have my optic nerve being enlarged? He said that I may be at risk for developing glaucoma in the future. So I quickly did some research now and ordered a natural supplement called “Neuroptene” from Amazon, which claims to help with lowering the eye pressure. I’m going to take it for the next few months before my eye exam and see if it makes a difference.
• My dad has glaucoma and a thyroid tumor. They both have a hereditary component. I have Hashimoto’s and am at risk of developing glaucoma as well. Thanks a lot, dad… 😐
• My mom had cataract laser surgery a few years ago. Cataracts also have a hereditary component. So, I guess I should be careful of developing cataracts as well. Thanks too mom… 😐
• I’ll slowly plow through my internet marketing course on how to create a blog that will monetize. I need to keep on reminding myself that my health is most important, and that definitely includes my eye health as well.
• I will get there, it may take longer than I had hoped for to create a monetizing website, because I keep on getting distracted with so many things, but I will get there.
• I also had an epiphany early this morning. I don’t know what the heck my neighbor does, but he leaves late at night and arrives early in the morning. I would think that a third-shift job would last for 8 hours, but his is only like for a few hours? Unless he’s working for a part-time third-shift job? 🤔
• Anyway, I got disturbed by his noise at around 3am this morning. Instead of getting annoyed, and worried about the noise and how to fall back asleep again, I changed my mentality and told myself that if he continues being noisy, then I’ll just switch rooms and sleep in the middle room instead. In fact, my husband is working for his third-shift job this week, so I have 3 rooms to choose from. Knowing that I have that option made me feel a lot better. I also did some tapping on ‘Falling Back Asleep Faster’, and that really helped. I was able to fall back asleep pretty soon after I did the tapping until 7am this morning. I’m really proud of myself for that! I’ve realized that changing how I view things definitely helps to lower my anxiety.
• From now on, I will welcome (okay, at least accept with an open mind) adversities in life, instead of becoming anxious when they occur. Good job, WaWa! 😃
• Thursday (08/05/21):
• Good Morning, Minnesota! 😃 I had some refreshing sleep again last night! In fact, I slept like a baby the whole night through, woohoo! 👼
• I had trouble finding my car in the parking lot yesterday afternoon. It has happened in the past in the middle of the freezing winter. I thought to myself, “Are you kidding me? Someone stole my car in the middle of the day, in the middle of winter! Now what the heck am I gonna do?”.
• Turns out that I was driving my husband’s car that day. 🤪 Both of our cars look the same, except for the color. Mine is silver, and his is black. I walked around the parking lot for at least 30 minutes on that cold freezing winter day before realizing that I should be looking for a black SUV instead of a silver one! 😛
• That was the longest time it took before I remembered that I was driving my husband’s car. Luckily it only took about a minute yesterday for me to realize that. 😊
• 🤣 I just remembered two other funny incidents that happened to me related to recognizing cars now. I know nothing about cars. I can only recognize whether it’s a sedan (smaller), or an SUV (larger), and by it’s color. Thank goodness I’m not color blind! I think….
• One happened in Taiwan a long time ago. My friend and I went to visit a museum and he parked his white Honda Civic (if I remember correctly) on the side of the road. When we came back from the outing, I walked towards a white BMW car and waited for him to unlock the door. His car was actually two cars away, hehehe. My friend was not amused, he thought that I did it on purpose. He said to me, “Are you trying to hint at something?”. I wasn’t, it really was an honest mistake. I mean, they’re both white sedans! 😛
• Another funny incident happened a few years ago when I went to the gas station to fill up my tank, and there was another silver SUV that pulled up behind me to fill up gas as well. We both went into the store after inserting the nozzle into the tank. I bought some lotto tickets, came back outside, removed the nozzle, and put the cap back on the tank. I then tried to open the door (my key fob automatically unlocks the door) but it wouldn’t open. That was when I realized that my car is actually the one in front! 🤣 I quickly recapped my tank and drove away before the driver behind me came back! 🤣🤣🤣
• You live and learn! 😃
• Friday (08/06/21):
• Throat Chakra – Willpower and Determination
• I set clear boundaries for my own behavior, and I cultivate a strong will by being true to myself.
• Saturday:
• Hubby just came home now from his third-shift job. He texted me on Friday to let me know that he has an additional shift (second-shift) this afternoon. So, basically, two shifts in one day, with less than 8 hours to rest in between (taking into account for his driving time).
• Hubby made it seem like he’s doing the company a favor by taking on an additional shift, but I wonder if it’s because his medical device projects (and thus, income) has been slashed by over 2/3rd’s?
• His June income wasn’t that bad, but July was pretty bad. So far, he has not submitted any invoices for July. He said that he’s finishing up an assignment and after that’s done, he can submit an invoice for July for around 30 hours, and we’re already past the first week of August now.
• This is not looking good. However, I keep on telling myself that we’ll be okay. The main thing is that we’re trying to save money for moving back to Taiwan, to take care of my sister.
• He seemed really tired just now, and he he has to wake up again in less than 5 hours to start his next (second-shift) shift. Thank you, hubby! 😢

You’re Gonna Miss Me When I’m Gone

When I’m Gone

~ Anna Kendrick

I got my ticket for the long way ’round
Two bottle o’ whiskey for the way
And I sure would like some sweet company
And I’m leavin’ tomorrow, what do you say?

When I’m gone
When I’m gone
You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone
You’re gonna miss me by my hair
You’re gonna miss me everywhere, oh
You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone
When I’m gone
When I’m gone
You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone
You’re gonna miss me by my walk
You’re gonna miss me by my talk, oh
You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone

I got my ticket for the long way ’round
The one with the prettiest of views
It’s got mountains, it’s got rivers
It’s got sights give you shivers
But it sure would be prettier with you

When I’m gone
When I’m gone
You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone
You’re gonna miss me by my walk
You’re gonna miss me by my talk, oh
You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone
When I’m gone
When I’m gone
You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone
You’re gonna miss me by my hair
You’re gonna miss me everywhere
Oh, you’re sure gonna miss me when I’m gone

When I’m gone
When I’m gone
You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone
You’re gonna miss me by my walk
You’re gonna miss me by my talk, oh
You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone

I keep on saying that I want to start my own online business but I’m still stuck on step 1. There’s two reasons for this: 1. Life keeps getting in the way, and 2. I’m not sure how to start?

So how does life keep getting in the way? Well, for one, besides working and buying water softener salt pellets every 2 weeks (because it’s too heavy for me to carry), hubby doesn’t have to do anything else. I take care of everything; from cleaning the townhouse, to scheduling our appointments, to paying bills, to recording his daily business-related mileage & expenses (for tax deduction purposes), and to paying his quarterly self-employed estimated taxes, etc. etc. And, our townhouse ain’t small; we have 3 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms, so there’s quite some cleaning that needs to be done regularly.

And that’s just a broad overview of what I do. Finer details include: making his bed every day, squeezing his toothpaste for him day & night, cleaning the bathroom after he’s done showering (he does clean a little after he’s done, but not all), and of course, washing his clothes, etc.. Okay, to be fair to him, there are two other things that he does on his own: iron his dress shirts & dress pants, and eating at work. Yes, he does actually put the food into his mouth and chew the food on his own…

Why squeeze his toothpaste for him? Because, instead of the dentist-recommended pea-sized toothpaste, he squeezes more like a kidney bean-sized, and he squeezes it smack dab in the middle. He leaves toothpaste all over the sink and doesn’t wash off the remaining toothpaste on his toothbrush properly. I also have to re-squeeze the toothpaste from the bottom after he’s finished using it every time, and it’s difficult especially when the toothpaste’s shell is hard. I had switched to one with a soft shell in the past, but eventually decided that it’s easier for me to just do it for him instead.

I’ve read stories of couples divorcing because of incompatible ways of living, and the last straw that broke the camel’s back was someone squeezing the toothpaste in the middle. Seriously, it drives me crazy, and this is just one of the few things my husband does that drives me crazy. So, being the kind of conflict-avoidant (although my husband may beg to differ, because if I ever say anything to him that does not sound like a praise, then he thinks that I’m trying to pick a fight with him) person that I am, I just end up doing everything myself so that we won’t get into an argument. I’ve found throughout the years that if I just do it for him, then it saves time for me to clean up the mess after he’s done it himself. But the problem is that I end up doing everything on my own now.

My husband is also the type of person where if I ask him to please go North, then he will intentionally go South. In fact, sometimes, just to get him to do what I want him to do, I’ll ask him to please do the opposite. 😛 But all jokes aside, sometimes, he really drives me nuts to the point where I just want to bang my head against the wall and pass out, so that I no longer have to deal with it for the time being…

There is a saying that, “It’s easy to fall in love, but it’s difficult to live together”. That is so true! A main reason that my ex and I got along well was because we were both neat freaks and germaphobes. In fact, I didn’t know that I was neat freak and a germaphobe until I met my husband, because not only is he not one, but he gets mad at me and tells me that I’m being OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder) about it.

We actually used to go out and eat lunch together every weekend, but since March of 2020, when the governor shut down all the businesses (I’m glad that he had the courage to do so, in order to save lives), we’ve stopped eating out. We also used to do grocery shopping together every weekend, but ever since my husband started his third-shift job, he said that he’s too tired, and no longer wanted to do it. Those two activities were the only ones that we did together, and after we stopped doing both, there were no longer anything to connect us together.

We also used to go to museums, parks, movies, etc., but they all stopped after my husband started his third-shift job. He no longer has to work third-shift (except on rare occasions, such as this week), but, I guess he just got used to staying at work for the entire day, except to come home and sleep.

This is why my brain is so fricking scattered. I need to take care of everything. Oh, and I forgot to mention that my husband used to pour the water softener salt pellets into the machine, but a couple of months ago, he got really “smart”, and brought home a kitty litter scoop for me. So, guess who has been scooping the water softener salt pellets bit by bit into the water softener machine since then?

My husband has not gotten a haircut since the beginning of last year due to Covid, and still refuses to do so. I have to use the lint remover all the time to pick up his hair that’s all over the place. I wish he would just shave his head and save us all the trouble. I grew up watching my handsome dad, who used to be in the army, with a military haircut and a clean-shaven face all the time. That, to me, is attractive & handsome. I’m really not used to seeing men with long hair. Thank goodness my husband at least still keeps a clean-shaven face.

I drove my husband’s car to run errands yesterday afternoon since he came home early to sleep, in order to get some rest before his third-shift job last night. His car was like a warzone. There were chips and soda stains everywhere! I filled up his tank and cleaned his car for him. I’ll be driving his car this week because he’s working the third-shift job this week and I don’t want to keep on having to move his car in order to get my car out of our garage. I’m not looking forward to it. I wonder what his car will look like today? 🤔

There are just so many little things that one needs to take care of in life. It pulls my mind in all directions. I also still have to take care of things in Taiwan and South Africa. I think my job title should be an “Executive Assistant”, and the “Maid”, sigh….. I’m also trying to take care of my own health, which takes up a lot of time each day.

Okay, enough venting for now. I seriously don’t know where to start with my online business. I think I have the “Shiny Object Syndrome”, to keep on learning of new ideas, and keep on jumping from one idea to another. Dad used to say that, “the rolling stone gathers no moss”. I gotta really find one idea that works, and stick with it.

One day, you’re gonna hear me roar! But, until then…

Roar!

~ Katy Perry

I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath
Scared to rock the boat and make a mess
So I sat quietly, agreed politely
I guess that I forgot I had a choice
I let you push me past the breaking point
I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

You held me down, but I got up (hey)
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder, gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up (hey)
Get ready ’cause I’ve had enough
I see it all, I see it now

I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter
Dancing through the fire
‘Cause I am a champion, and you’re gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
‘Cause I am a champion, and you’re gonna hear me roar

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
You’re gonna hear me roar

Now I’m floatin’ like a butterfly
Stinging like a bee, I earned my stripes
I went from zero, to my own hero

You held me down, but I got up (hey)
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder, gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up (hey)
Get ready ’cause I’ve had enough
I see it all, I see it now

I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter
Dancing through the fire
‘Cause I am a champion, and you’re gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
‘Cause I am a champion, and you’re gonna hear me roar

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
You’re gonna hear me roar

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh (you’ll hear me roar)
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
You’re gonna hear me roarRoar, roar, roar, roar, roar

I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter
Dancing through the fire
‘Cause I am a champion, and you’re gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
‘Cause I am a champion, and you’re gonna hear me roar

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh (yeah)
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
You’re gonna hear me roar

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh (you’ll hear me roar)
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
You’re gonna hear me roar

I slept pretty well last night and woke up early this morning. 😃 I started doing my daily routine of thinking of 3 things that I’m grateful for. Then I started listening to my brainwave entrainment meditation and all of a sudden, this song popped into my head…

This reminds me of the good o’l days back in dental school when us classmates used to go clubbing, get drunk, fool around, experiment with stuff, and just do crazy things that ‘normal’ teenagers do. 😛

South Africa used to be part of the British colony, so we follow the British educational system. Which means that I started my first year of dental school when I was 18 years old (I started school earlier than my peers, but, that’s another story to be told for another day), right after I graduated from high school. Actually, I was 17 years old when I started dental school, as we started in January, and I only turned 18 years old in April. I think most of my dental classmates were around 19 or 20 years old, but even so, we were all so emotionally immature. Smart IQ, yes, for sure! But smart EQ, that, I’m not so sure? 🤔

I am alcohol-intolerant. I think I inherited that from my dad ~ a diplomat who is alcohol-intolerant. Dad, you went into the wrong field! 😜 As soon as I drink alcohol, my entire body turns red and I easily pass out. But I was so young back then, and I didn’t know how to stand up for myself or take care of my own needs, so I succumbed to peer pressure.

I remember once when we had a couple of free hours in between our classes. So we all went drinking after our morning classes and when we came back for our late afternoon class, I passed out in the middle of the class meeting. We were all standing around our professor and all of a sudden, I just saw complete darkness and passed out…. Good thing we were all standing close together, so my friend just took me into his arms.

I also remember one evening when we all went to a friend’s house loaded with alcohol. They mixed a whole bunch of hard liquor together. I was already an expert at licking the salt off my hand, squeezing the lime juice into my mouth, and then downing shots of tequila, or drinking flaming Sambuca shots. My good friend (the person I considered to be my other soulmate – but we were never meant to be) also taught me how to roll up “grass”, and I was an expert at doing that as well. But I definitely overdid it that night (mixing different kinds of hard liquor) and ended up vomiting violently and then eventually passing out. 🤮

It’s kind of crazy when I think about it. A whole bunch of medical and dental students drinking alcohol, smoking pot and smoking cigarettes. That is like the complete opposite of being a healthcare practitioner. However, dental school was so stressful and competitive, it was also our way of destressing. Each year, they only allow a certain number of students to move onto the next level. So, even if you had okay grades, but if you’re at the bottom percentage, then you’re screwed. I sure hope that nowadays, they have changed that ridiculous rule, and have more resources in helping students to cope with encountering so much stress at such a young age.

After dental school, I became a lot more health-conscious, and a lot more aware of respecting my own needs. Thinking back, I don’t even know what was the point of drinking all that alcohol, just to end up getting ill and passing out?

But there sure were some good o’l wild days back then, and we sure had some good o’l fun times… 😄

Sweat ~ A La La La La Long

~ Bob Marley

I’ve been watching you
A lalalala long
A lalalala long long lee long long long, come on
A lalalala long
A lalalala long long lee long long long, hey-a

Standing across the room
I saw you smile
Said I wanna talk to you-hoo-woo
for a little while
but before I make my move
my emotions start running wi-hild
My tongue gets tied
and that’s no lie
I look in your eye-ye-ye-ye-eyes
I’m lookin’ in your big brown eye-yes, ooh ya
now got this to say to you, yeah

girl I want to make you sweat
sweat ’till you can’t sweat no more
and if you cry out
I’m gonna push it sum more-ore-ore
girl I want to make you sweat
sweat ’till you can’t sweat no more
and if you cry out
I’m gonna push it push it push it some more

A lalalala long
A lalalala long long lee long long long, come on
A lalalala long
A lalalala long long lee long long long, ooh

So I say to myself
If she loves me or not(ah-ah)
but the dread I know
that love if his together
i want to lick a bit o’ this
and I lick a bit o’ that
but the lyrics goes under your tat (ah-ah)
my tongue gets tied
and thats no lie

I’m lookin in your eye-ye-ye-ye-eyes
I’m lookin’ in your big brown eye-yes, ooh girl
now I got this to say to you, yeah

girl I want to make you sweat
sweat ’till you can’t sweat no more
and if you cry out
I’m gonna push it sum more-ore-ore
girl I want to make you sweat
sweat ’till you can’t sweat no more
and if you cry out
I’m gonna push it push it push it some more

A lalalala long
A lalalala long long lee long long long, ooh ya
A lalalala long
A lalalala long long lee long long long, one more time
A lalalala long
A lalalala long long lee long long long, sing it
A lalalala long
A lalalala long long lee long long long, yeah

woo woo woo woo wee, yeah-eah-eah-hey

eye-ye-ye-ye-eyes
I’m lookin’ in your big brown eye-yes, ooh ya
now I got this to say to you, yeah
girl I want to make you sweat
sweat ’till you can’t sweat no more
and if you cry out
I’m gonna push it sum more-ore-ore
girl I want to make you sweat
sweat ’till you can’t sweat no more
and if you cry out
I’m gonna push it push it push it some more

A lalalala long
A lalalala long long lee long long long, yeah
A lalalala long
A lalalala long long lee long long long
push it push it some more
A lalalala long
A lalalala long long lee long long long, all right
A lalalala long
A lalalala long long lee long long long
push it push it some more

I called mom just now to see how everyone has been doing for the past week. I told her that the Covid-19 Delta variant is becoming rampant now in the US, and the CDC is now encouraging everyone to wear a mask when indoors, whether they’ve been vaccinated or not. I told mom that it’s a little difficult in Minnesota since most people here have stopped wearing their masks after the mask mandate got lifted back in June.

I rejoined the gym back in June so that I can walk on the treadmill for a couple of times per week. The main reason is to encourage myself to leave the house every day, and get some sunlight & fresh air. I seem to be the only person that wears a mask at the gym. It’s a good thing that I’m just walking on the treadmill and stretching, so it’s easier to do that with my mask on, since I don’t run out of breath. But sometimes, people will still look at me funny. I’ve also started to attend a weekly meeting focusing on improving self-love, and I’m also the only person there that wears a mask. It takes a lot of courage to do this, and sometimes, I feel like just not wearing a mask so that I don’t stand out from the crowd (in a not so good way), but I then remind myself that my health is much more important than saving face.

Dad’s memory loss has worsened in the past few years. I started noticing it the last time my husband and I went back to Taiwan to visit my family at the end of 2018. We were going to visit them again at the end of 2019 but then my husband lost his job and started his third-shift job around that same time. I was considering going back myself at the beginning of 2020 to visit them, especially after my sister tried to commit suicide, but then Covid struck. We haven’t gone back to Taiwan to visit my family for 2.5 years now, and I miss them dearly.

For the past year, whenever I speak with dad on the phone, he still thinks that my husband is working for the same company that went under at the end of 2019. Being the honest person that I am, I once tried to tell my dad the truth, but the next time we spoke on the phone, he still asked if my husband is working for that same company? I think dad’s memory is stuck with around that time frame. Just like with the movie “50 First Dates” with Drew Barrymore & Adam Sandler, I figured that there’s no use traumatizing my dad just for him to forget the whole thing, and then having to get re-traumatized over and over again. So, whenever dad asks if my husband is still working for the same company these days, I just tell him “Yes”.

And for some odd reason, dad thinks that I’m an immigration officer (instead of the bilingual customer service representative job that I stopped working for two months ago). I’ve also stopped trying to explain to dad that I’m not, and just play along with it. 😛

I remember back in 2018, I asked dad and mom to write some words at the back of a photograph I took of our family, and mom had to tell dad what to write. Dad wrote the words “I will remember you forever”. It still brings tears to my eyes when I think about it, because of dad’s memory loss condition. It was as if subconsciously, he wants to let us know that even if he doesn’t remember us in the future, that deep down inside, he still does. I just miss my family a lot …

I’ll Be There

~ Mariah Carey

You and I must make a pact
We must bring salvation back
Where there is love, I’ll be there (I’ll be there)I’ll reach out my hand to you
I’ll have faith in all you do
Just call my name and I’ll be there (I’ll be there)I’ll be there to comfort you
Build my world of dreams around you
I’m so glad that I found you

I’ll be there with a love so strong
I’ll be your strength
You know I’ll keep holdin’ on

Let me fill your heart with joy and laughter
Togetherness, well it’s all I’m after
Just call my name, and I’ll be there (I’ll be there)I’ll be there to protect you (yeah baby)
With an unselfish love that respects you
Just call my name, and I’ll be there (I’ll be there)I’ll be there to comfort you
Build my world of dreams around you
You know I’m so glad that I found you baby (so glad baby)I’ll be there with a love so strong
I’ll be your strength, (Be your strength)
You know I’ll keep holdin’ on

If you should ever find someone new
I know she better be good to you
‘Cause if she doesn’t
Then I’ll be there (I’ll be there)Don’t you know baby, yeah I’ll be there
I’ll be there

Just call my name, and I’ll be there
Yeah, I’ll be there baby
You know I’ll be there
Just call my name and I’ll be there
Just look over your shoulder!
Just call my name and I’ll be there

I called the cops last Saturday morning, and no, it’s not because of the neighbor that we’re having issues with. The reason may sound silly, but I’m allowed to do so, because I’m a woman 😛.

There was a wasp in our laundry room upstairs. When I went to throw the washed clothes into the dryer, I heard and saw the wasp flying around the lamp on the ceiling. Without finishing putting the washed clothes into the dryer, I quickly left the laundry room and closed the door behind me.

I texted my husband and asked him to come home from work to try and remove the wasp without having to kill it. My husband texted back to say that he’s in the middle of mixing chemicals and will leave in around 30-45 minutes time.

I then called mom and told her that there’s a wasp in our laundry room upstairs, and now what should I do? 🙁 Mom suggested that I leave the laundry door closed until the wasp naturally dies. I started doing an online search while talking with mom and saw that a wasp can survive indoors from 2 days to a few weeks, depending on how much air, food, and water supply there is. Well, I got a bunch of wet clothes waiting to be dried. I told my mom that the wasp could live there for weeks, and we need fresh clothes!

I then told mom that I’ve asked my husband to come home and try to take the wasp outdoors without having to kill it. But as we got talking more, I started to realize that this could be dangerous for my husband as wasps can attack fiercely. Also, the fact that there’s a wasp flying in our upstairs laundry room may indicate that there’s an unsealed opening somewhere for it to come through (We always keep our windows and doors closed due to my allergies). What if other wasps start attacking my husband while he’s trying to carefully capture this one?

I told mom that I will call the cops and see if they can come over and remove the wasp instead. I read on the news a few months ago of firefighters helping a family rescue their cat that went through a hole in their wall and was hiding somewhere in between the walls. I decided to try my luck and see if they’ll send an officer or a firefighter over to help me remove the wasp as well.

I told mom about my plan and we ended the call so that I can call for help. Obviously, I’m not going to call 911 and occupy their phone lines for a non-emergency issue, so I found a non-emergency number to call for our local police station. A dispatcher lady picked up my call and was hesitant in taking down my information. However, she finally kindly took down my info and said that an officer will call me back. An officer called me back a few minutes later and told me that they don’t handle this type of issue and that I’ll have to call an exterminator, or take care of it myself. I asked the officer if he had any suggestions as to how I can remove the wasp inside my home? He said that if it was him, he would just swat it with a newspaper. I thanked the officer and we ended the call.

I then texted my owner to let him know about the situation and asked if I could call an exterminator to come and take care of the wasp, and see if there’s an unsealed opening somewhere? The owner did not respond (he finally did in the afternoon and told us to go ahead if this happens again), so while I was waiting for my husband to come home and for the owner to respond back to my text, I did more online searches and called an exterminator company for a free quote. I asked the customer service representative how much it would cost to send an exterminator over to remove the wasp and check for any unsealed openings?

The customer service representative was kind enough to tell me that it would not be worth my money for them to come over just to remove one wasp. 🤪 He also said that one wasp in our laundry room does not mean that there may be an unsealed opening inside the house. That wasp could have just flew in through our front door and made its way up to our laundry room. He also said that they’ve been getting calls for the past week of wasps everywhere due to the heat and dry conditions that we’re experiencing right now in Minnesota. He said that if this happens again, or if we’re outside our house and notice a wasp nest, then we should call back to get an exterminator to come and have a look. I asked him if he had any suggestions as to how I can remove this wasp in our laundry room. He said the same thing that the officer said, to swat it with a newspaper, or spray it with some insecticide. I started thinking in my mind that I would like to use an insecticide as a last resort, because the smell will last for a long time and I don’t want to end up poisoning ourselves.

While I was talking to the exterminator, my husband texted me to say that he’s on his way home. I started thinking more and felt that it was too great a risk to ask my husband to try and remove the wasp without killing it. I don’t want to kill life, and that even goes for insects. Exceptions may be mosquitoes and cockroaches sometimes though…. Even with insects, if there’s some way I can get it out of the house without having to kill it, then that’s the route I’ll go with. But, my husband’s life (or any human’s life, for that matter) is much more important. What if the wasp goes crazy and starts attacking him viciously, while he tries his best not to harm it (especially because I asked him not to)? What if he gets stung all over and needs to go to the ER, or even worse, ends up with an anaphylactic shock right there and then? You never know about these things. There have been kids who became severely allergic to bee stings and ended up with an anaphylactic shock and died. Just like in the movie “My Girl”, Macaulay Culkin died of multiple bee stings. OK, I’m aware that we’re talking about just one wasp here, but still, you can never be too careful about these things, right?

I decided that my husband’s life is more important than the wasp’s. I will pray for the wasp and ask my husband to make sure that it’s completely dead, so that it doesn’t suffer a slow painful death. I called my husband and told him that I think it’s too risky for him to try and capture the wasp, and it’s better to just kill it instead. I asked him if he wanted to go and buy a fly swatter before coming home. He said that it’s not necessary.

My husband arrived a few minutes later with a red plastic drinking cup. I was shocked! 😲 Like, seriously? This was his only weapon against the wasp???? I asked him if he wanted a larger container but he said no. So we went upstairs and he opened the laundry room door then closed it behind him. I felt scared for him when he closed the door behind him. I was imagining the worst scenarios possible. What if the wasp is flying around angrily and ready to attack him fiercely? He was silent after he closed the laundry room door, which I guessed was a good thing. Then he shouted “I don’t see it!”. I told him that the wasp was flying above the ceiling light when I shut the laundry room door, but he kept on saying that he doesn’t see the wasp. In the past, I would have had no choice but to believe him. However, throughout the years, I’ve slowly learned to trust myself and to become more assertive. I told him again that the wasp must be there as I saw it flying around the ceiling light as I was closing the door to the laundry room (unless there truly is an unsealed opening somewhere). I heard some thumping sounds, then he shouted for me to get a piece of paper. That seemed to mean that he has managed to trap the wasp inside his red drinking cup so I quickly opened the laundry room door and he told me once again to get a piece of paper. I quickly rushed downstairs and found a thick paper folder and brought it back to him.

So, yay! My husband managed to capture the wasp without having to kill it or getting himself hurt! I was really proud of him as I was already emotionally prepared for him to kill the wasp. I told him that he has accumulated 100 “Good Karma Points” and I’m really appreciative for what he did! It truly was very brave of him! 😃. He took the wasp inside the plastic cup with the folder covering the cup’s opening, and went back to work. I reminded him to be careful when releasing the wasp so as not to get stung by it.

I called mom after my husband left to let her know that my husband has removed the wasp so that mom won’t worry about us and can go to sleep. Just like my ex, my mom also enjoys listening to me talk. I went into details about the entire encounter, and I also told her my own opinion as to what the wasp may have been thinking. I told mom that a fly also flew inside a few days ago and that I was patient enough to wait 2 days before I was able to also capture it inside a cup, and then release it outdoors. I told my mom what the fly must have been thinking, and how these insects are communicating with each other about which homes to go to, and the fact that it’s so hot now, so they’re just lurking around, waiting for a chance to fly inside and enjoy our air-conditioned house, with free food and free water.

Mom was so sweet. 😝 After hearing what I had to say, she told me that I should write children’s books, starting from how I first called the cops, then called the exterminator, and then my husband caught the wasp, and how the insects are talking with each other, etc. etc. It’s true, I have a very active imagination, and I can often sense what animals (and people) are saying or thinking. I was so happy to hear mom say that because she always sees the best in me, even with little silly things that I say or do. 😁

My mom is my best cheerleader, and my best friend. She always has a lot of faith and belief in what I think or do. Whatever self-worth I have learned growing up, I learned it because of my mom. My mom always makes me feel like I can accomplish anything I want in life. Sometimes, to the extent where I think that my mom is being a little unrealistic, but I still appreciate her completely. I love my mom so much, not just for being such a kind, and caring person, but for seeing the best in me, especially when I can’t see it myself. Thank you mom!

Oh, and thank you hubby, for being willing to risk your safety to try and capture the wasp instead of killing it! You definitely accumulated 100 or more “Good Karma Points” for doing that! 😝

That’s What Friends Are For

And I never thought I’d feel this way
And as far as I’m concerned
I’m glad I got the chance to say
That I do believe, I love you

And if I should ever go away
Well, then close your eyes and try
To feel the way we do today
And then if you can remember

Keep smiling, keep shining
Knowing you can always count on me, for sure
That’s what friends are for
For good times and bad times
I’ll be on your side forever more
That’s what friends are for

Well, you came in loving me
And now there’s so much more I see
And so by the way
I thank you

Oh and then for the times when we’re apart
Well, then close your eyes and know
The words are coming from my heart
And then if you can remember

Keep smiling and keep shining
Knowing you can always count on me, for sure
That’s what friends are for
In good times and bad times
I’ll be on your side forever more
That’s what friends are for

Keep smiling, keep shining
Knowing you can always count on me, for sure
That’s what friends are for
For good times and bad times
I’ll be on your side forever more
That’s what friends are for

Keep smiling, keep shining
Knowing you can always count on me, for sure
Cause I tell you, that’s what friends are for
Whoa, good times and the bad times
I’ll be on your side forever more
That’s what friends are for

I haven’t spoken with my ex on the phone for a few weeks now, and we had a nice conversation this afternoon.

I told him about my verbal altercation with my neighbor last weekend. I was describing to my ex the entire story from the beginning to the end. After being married to my husband for 13 years, I’ve learned to make summaries of what I want to say, since my husband will make it obvious after I speak a few sentences that he is losing interest in what I have to say.

My husband is not just like that with me though, he’s like that with everyone. He will summarize something that takes 10 sentences to describe fully into one sentence. However, because of that, specific details often get omitted, or he will come across as being uncaring or insincere.

I guess I’m supposed to not take it personally since my husband is like that with everyone. He often makes it known that he’s not just being short and unemotional towards me, so I shouldn’t be upset about it. Therefore, I’m being treated the same by him just like with anyone else. I guess there’s nothing special about me being his wife, and I shouldn’t be expecting any special treatments from him either.

Not only does my husband not speak much to me, but he also doesn’t want me to speak much to him either. I guess I reluctantly got used to it. When I was telling my ex about my verbal altercation with my neighbor, I started getting self-conscious after about 5 sentences into the conversation. I couldn’t believe that I was still talking about the same topic, and my ex was still listening attentively, with no interruptions, or showing signs that he’s losing interest in what I have to say.

My ex doesn’t talk that much himself either. However, he enjoys listening to what I have to say. In fact, he’ll encourage me to speak. I remember when we’re both in the car (which was very often, since we were always doing things together), and if I didn’t say anything after 5 minutes, he’ll ask me if there’s something that’s bothering me? I remember sometimes I would feel a little stressed out because I felt like I had to constantly come up with some kind of conversation with him. Otherwise, he’ll think that there’s either something wrong with me, or that I’m upset. Man, what a huge difference that is now with my husband!

I got hurt really deeply by my husband last year. I was working three jobs and losing my voice because I had to constantly talk non-stop with the 2 contact tracing jobs. But even so, I still felt that it was important to have daily conversations with my husband and I often had to wrack my brain to think of something to say, since we don’t have much in common to begin with. One day, after he came home, I was talking with him about something, I can’t remember what now, it was probably just small talk. I was already exhausted from my contact tracing job in the morning, and still had my bilingual customer service rep job in the evening, but I still made the effort to speak with him. I barely said three sentences and then he said me, “I guess you’re not THAT tired from your jobs”.

Knowing now that he’s a narcissist, he was able to say it with a smile and a seemingly joking tone, but I could feel it like a dagger piercing through my heart. I could feel him actually wanting to say to me “Stop talking! This is not important! I don’t care to hear about it!”. That was what he really wanted to say to me. It hurt me so deeply, I will never forget it! I think it was after that incidence, that I started to slowly shut down and stopped putting in the effort to communicate with him, unless it’s necessary.

I still miss my ex even though it’s been over 15 years now, and he has physically and sexually hurt me in the past. We don’t ever speak of those incidences in our conversations though. He still keeps all of my belongings, some of which I’m not even aware of that he has. Sometimes, he’ll send me a photo he found saved in his computer of us. Sometimes, he’ll call me just to reminisce of the past. I always try to keep it cool with him over the phone. But the fact of the matter is, I still reminisce of our past as well.

I don’t know why, but my ex is the only person (besides my dad, my mom, and my sister) that I will end up crying when leaving. My ex and I used to always stick together, but there was a very rare occasion where I had to go back to Taiwan first, so he took me to the airport and we hung out at the airport together until it was time for me to board. I remember I kept on looking back, like an abandoned child, and I kept on crying, and he didn’t leave either. He just stood there for the entire time until I finally passed through the immigration gates and could no longer see him. Then one time, he had to go back to Taiwan on his own, and he asked our landlord (who is also our friend) to drive him to the airport because for one, he knows that I have no sense of direction, and I will not for the life of me be able to drive myself out of LAX to go home. I probably won’t even know how to walk back to my car. Secondly, he doesn’t want me to cry my eyes out when he boards.

Even though my ex is three years younger than me, he acts like he’s older than me. It’s probably also because he’s the eldest in the family and I’m the youngest, and I tend to be more child-like. He has said before that he never feels like I’m older than him when we’re together. Thinking back, he’s actually pretty bossy, and controlling of me….. sometimes to the extent where I just get upset and feel like rebelling…..

When I told my ex that we were leaving for Minnesota in 2014, my ex wanted to have dinner with us. I told him it’s not necessary. I didn’t tell him it’s because I know that I’m going to cry my eyes out, and that wouldn’t go well with my husband (I think my ex’s wife was back in Taiwan visiting her father at that time).

When we were on day 2 of our relocation road trip to Minnesota, my ex texted me to tell me that he sat at the Carpinteria beach for the entire day. We used to live in Carpinteria, which was also where my husband’s company was based. I guess my ex was still trying to feel whatever aura I had left behind me in Carpinteria. I was so touched, I wanted to cry, but instead, I just played it cool, like what I’ve been doing all these years, whenever my ex got emotional about our past….

I don’t think that my husband completely does not love me. I mean, he must have some love for me, right? He doesn’t expect me to work or to earn money. He feels that this is his responsibility, his duty. Unfortunately, like many other Asian men who were brought up by their parents from the old culture, my husband just feels that as long as he brings home the bread, it’s enough. He doesn’t have to do anything else. He doesn’t have to care about his wife’s emotional wellbeing or anything else. My husband was an attentive, loving boyfriend, and yet, as soon as we got married, it was like, his whole mentality changed. It was like he had this Book of Life that told him, this is how you treat your girlfriend, and this is how you treat your wife.

When my ex and I first started dating, we made love to each other every single day for over a year. I remember when it went down to three times a week, I told my ex that I was worried about us, that we weren’t making love every single day like before. With my husband, it wasn’t often from the beginning. There were always reasons, when we were dating, he’d travel over three hours (thanks to SoCal’s lousy traffic) back and fro to come and see me, then he started drinking again….

Life is so complicated. Relationships are so complicated. I feel lost in this world…