I haven’t spoken with my ex on the phone for a few weeks now, and we had a nice conversation this afternoon.
I told him about my verbal altercation with my neighbor last weekend. I was describing to my ex the entire story from the beginning to the end. After being married to my husband for 13 years, I’ve learned to make summaries of what I want to say, since my husband will make it obvious after I speak a few sentences that he is losing interest in what I have to say.
My husband is not just like that with me though, he’s like that with everyone. He will summarize something that takes 10 sentences to describe fully into one sentence. However, because of that, specific details often get omitted, or he will come across as being uncaring or insincere.
I guess I’m supposed to not take it personally since my husband is like that with everyone. He often makes it known that he’s not just being short and unemotional towards me, so I shouldn’t be upset about it. Therefore, I’m being treated the same by him just like with anyone else. I guess there’s nothing special about me being his wife, and I shouldn’t be expecting any special treatments from him either.
Not only does my husband not speak much to me, but he also doesn’t want me to speak much to him either. I guess I reluctantly got used to it. When I was telling my ex about my verbal altercation with my neighbor, I started getting self-conscious after about 5 sentences into the conversation. I couldn’t believe that I was still talking about the same topic, and my ex was still listening attentively, with no interruptions, or showing signs that he’s losing interest in what I have to say.
My ex doesn’t talk that much himself either. However, he enjoys listening to what I have to say. In fact, he’ll encourage me to speak. I remember when we’re both in the car (which was very often, since we were always doing things together), and if I didn’t say anything after 5 minutes, he’ll ask me if there’s something that’s bothering me? I remember sometimes I would feel a little stressed out because I felt like I had to constantly come up with some kind of conversation with him. Otherwise, he’ll think that there’s either something wrong with me, or that I’m upset. Man, what a huge difference that is now with my husband!
I got hurt really deeply by my husband last year. I was working three jobs and losing my voice because I had to constantly talk non-stop with the 2 contact tracing jobs. But even so, I still felt that it was important to have daily conversations with my husband and I often had to wrack my brain to think of something to say, since we don’t have much in common to begin with. One day, after he came home, I was talking with him about something, I can’t remember what now, it was probably just small talk. I was already exhausted from my contact tracing job in the morning, and still had my bilingual customer service rep job in the evening, but I still made the effort to speak with him. I barely said three sentences and then he said me, “I guess you’re not THAT tired from your jobs”.
Knowing now that he’s a narcissist, he was able to say it with a smile and a seemingly joking tone, but I could feel it like a dagger piercing through my heart. I could feel him actually wanting to say to me “Stop talking! This is not important! I don’t care to hear about it!”. That was what he really wanted to say to me. It hurt me so deeply, I will never forget it! I think it was after that incidence, that I started to slowly shut down and stopped putting in the effort to communicate with him, unless it’s necessary.
I still miss my ex even though it’s been over 15 years now, and he has physically and sexually hurt me in the past. We don’t ever speak of those incidences in our conversations though. He still keeps all of my belongings, some of which I’m not even aware of that he has. Sometimes, he’ll send me a photo he found saved in his computer of us. Sometimes, he’ll call me just to reminisce of the past. I always try to keep it cool with him over the phone. But the fact of the matter is, I still reminisce of our past as well.
I don’t know why, but my ex is the only person (besides my dad, my mom, and my sister) that I will end up crying when leaving. My ex and I used to always stick together, but there was a very rare occasion where I had to go back to Taiwan first, so he took me to the airport and we hung out at the airport together until it was time for me to board. I remember I kept on looking back, like an abandoned child, and I kept on crying, and he didn’t leave either. He just stood there for the entire time until I finally passed through the immigration gates and could no longer see him. Then one time, he had to go back to Taiwan on his own, and he asked our landlord (who is also our friend) to drive him to the airport because for one, he knows that I have no sense of direction, and I will not for the life of me be able to drive myself out of LAX to go home. I probably won’t even know how to walk back to my car. Secondly, he doesn’t want me to cry my eyes out when he boards.
Even though my ex is three years younger than me, he acts like he’s older than me. It’s probably also because he’s the eldest in the family and I’m the youngest, and I tend to be more child-like. He has said before that he never feels like I’m older than him when we’re together. Thinking back, he’s actually pretty bossy, and controlling of me….. sometimes to the extent where I just get upset and feel like rebelling…..
When I told my ex that we were leaving for Minnesota in 2014, my ex wanted to have dinner with us. I told him it’s not necessary. I didn’t tell him it’s because I know that I’m going to cry my eyes out, and that wouldn’t go well with my husband (I think my ex’s wife was back in Taiwan visiting her father at that time).
When we were on day 2 of our relocation road trip to Minnesota, my ex texted me to tell me that he sat at the Carpinteria beach for the entire day. We used to live in Carpinteria, which was also where my husband’s company was based. I guess my ex was still trying to feel whatever aura I had left behind me in Carpinteria. I was so touched, I wanted to cry, but instead, I just played it cool, like what I’ve been doing all these years, whenever my ex got emotional about our past….
I don’t think that my husband completely does not love me. I mean, he must have some love for me, right? He doesn’t expect me to work or to earn money. He feels that this is his responsibility, his duty. Unfortunately, like many other Asian men who were brought up by their parents from the old culture, my husband just feels that as long as he brings home the bread, it’s enough. He doesn’t have to do anything else. He doesn’t have to care about his wife’s emotional wellbeing or anything else. My husband was an attentive, loving boyfriend, and yet, as soon as we got married, it was like, his whole mentality changed. It was like he had this Book of Life that told him, this is how you treat your girlfriend, and this is how you treat your wife.
When my ex and I first started dating, we made love to each other every single day for over a year. I remember when it went down to three times a week, I told my ex that I was worried about us, that we weren’t making love every single day like before. With my husband, it wasn’t often from the beginning. There were always reasons, when we were dating, he’d travel over three hours (thanks to SoCal’s lousy traffic) back and fro to come and see me, then he started drinking again….
Life is so complicated. Relationships are so complicated. I feel lost in this world…