🌺 Journal

I called the cops last Saturday morning, and no, it’s not because of the neighbor that we’re having issues with. The reason may sound silly, but I’m allowed to do so, because I’m a woman 😛.

There was a wasp in our laundry room upstairs. When I went to throw the washed clothes into the dryer, I heard and saw the wasp flying around the lamp on the ceiling. Without finishing putting the washed clothes into the dryer, I quickly left the laundry room and closed the door behind me.

I texted my husband and asked him to come home from work to try and remove the wasp without having to kill it. My husband texted back to say that he’s in the middle of mixing chemicals and will leave in around 30-45 minutes time.

I then called mom and told her that there’s a wasp in our laundry room upstairs, and now what should I do? 🙁 Mom suggested that I leave the laundry door closed until the wasp naturally dies. I started doing an online search while talking with mom and saw that a wasp can survive indoors from 2 days to a few weeks, depending on how much air, food, and water supply there is. Well, I got a bunch of wet clothes waiting to be dried. I told my mom that the wasp could live there for weeks, and we need fresh clothes!

I then told mom that I’ve asked my husband to come home and try to take the wasp outdoors without having to kill it. But as we got talking more, I started to realize that this could be dangerous for my husband as wasps can attack fiercely. Also, the fact that there’s a wasp flying in our upstairs laundry room may indicate that there’s an unsealed opening somewhere for it to come through (We always keep our windows and doors closed due to my allergies). What if other wasps start attacking my husband while he’s trying to carefully capture this one?

I told mom that I will call the cops and see if they can come over and remove the wasp instead. I read on the news a few months ago of firefighters helping a family rescue their cat that went through a hole in their wall and was hiding somewhere in between the walls. I decided to try my luck and see if they’ll send an officer or a firefighter over to help me remove the wasp as well.

I told mom about my plan and we ended the call so that I can call for help. Obviously, I’m not going to call 911 and occupy their phone lines for a non-emergency issue, so I found a non-emergency number to call for our local police station. A dispatcher lady picked up my call and was hesitant in taking down my information. However, she finally kindly took down my info and said that an officer will call me back. An officer called me back a few minutes later and told me that they don’t handle this type of issue and that I’ll have to call an exterminator, or take care of it myself. I asked the officer if he had any suggestions as to how I can remove the wasp inside my home? He said that if it was him, he would just swat it with a newspaper. I thanked the officer and we ended the call.

I then texted my owner to let him know about the situation and asked if I could call an exterminator to come and take care of the wasp, and see if there’s an unsealed opening somewhere? The owner did not respond (he finally did in the afternoon and told us to go ahead if this happens again), so while I was waiting for my husband to come home and for the owner to respond back to my text, I did more online searches and called an exterminator company for a free quote. I asked the customer service representative how much it would cost to send an exterminator over to remove the wasp and check for any unsealed openings?

The customer service representative was kind enough to tell me that it would not be worth my money for them to come over just to remove one wasp. 🤪 He also said that one wasp in our laundry room does not mean that there may be an unsealed opening inside the house. That wasp could have just flew in through our front door and made its way up to our laundry room. He also said that they’ve been getting calls for the past week of wasps everywhere due to the heat and dry conditions that we’re experiencing right now in Minnesota. He said that if this happens again, or if we’re outside our house and notice a wasp nest, then we should call back to get an exterminator to come and have a look. I asked him if he had any suggestions as to how I can remove this wasp in our laundry room. He said the same thing that the officer said, to swat it with a newspaper, or spray it with some insecticide. I started thinking in my mind that I would like to use an insecticide as a last resort, because the smell will last for a long time and I don’t want to end up poisoning ourselves.

While I was talking to the exterminator, my husband texted me to say that he’s on his way home. I started thinking more and felt that it was too great a risk to ask my husband to try and remove the wasp without killing it. I don’t want to kill life, and that even goes for insects. Exceptions may be mosquitoes and cockroaches sometimes though…. Even with insects, if there’s some way I can get it out of the house without having to kill it, then that’s the route I’ll go with. But, my husband’s life (or any human’s life, for that matter) is much more important. What if the wasp goes crazy and starts attacking him viciously, while he tries his best not to harm it (especially because I asked him not to)? What if he gets stung all over and needs to go to the ER, or even worse, ends up with an anaphylactic shock right there and then? You never know about these things. There have been kids who became severely allergic to bee stings and ended up with an anaphylactic shock and died. Just like in the movie “My Girl”, Macaulay Culkin died of multiple bee stings. OK, I’m aware that we’re talking about just one wasp here, but still, you can never be too careful about these things, right?

I decided that my husband’s life is more important than the wasp’s. I will pray for the wasp and ask my husband to make sure that it’s completely dead, so that it doesn’t suffer a slow painful death. I called my husband and told him that I think it’s too risky for him to try and capture the wasp, and it’s better to just kill it instead. I asked him if he wanted to go and buy a fly swatter before coming home. He said that it’s not necessary.

My husband arrived a few minutes later with a red plastic drinking cup. I was shocked! 😲 Like, seriously? This was his only weapon against the wasp???? I asked him if he wanted a larger container but he said no. So we went upstairs and he opened the laundry room door then closed it behind him. I felt scared for him when he closed the door behind him. I was imagining the worst scenarios possible. What if the wasp is flying around angrily and ready to attack him fiercely? He was silent after he closed the laundry room door, which I guessed was a good thing. Then he shouted “I don’t see it!”. I told him that the wasp was flying above the ceiling light when I shut the laundry room door, but he kept on saying that he doesn’t see the wasp. In the past, I would have had no choice but to believe him. However, throughout the years, I’ve slowly learned to trust myself and to become more assertive. I told him again that the wasp must be there as I saw it flying around the ceiling light as I was closing the door to the laundry room (unless there truly is an unsealed opening somewhere). I heard some thumping sounds, then he shouted for me to get a piece of paper. That seemed to mean that he has managed to trap the wasp inside his red drinking cup so I quickly opened the laundry room door and he told me once again to get a piece of paper. I quickly rushed downstairs and found a thick paper folder and brought it back to him.

So, yay! My husband managed to capture the wasp without having to kill it or getting himself hurt! I was really proud of him as I was already emotionally prepared for him to kill the wasp. I told him that he has accumulated 100 “Good Karma Points” and I’m really appreciative for what he did! It truly was very brave of him! 😃. He took the wasp inside the plastic cup with the folder covering the cup’s opening, and went back to work. I reminded him to be careful when releasing the wasp so as not to get stung by it.

I called mom after my husband left to let her know that my husband has removed the wasp so that mom won’t worry about us and can go to sleep. Just like my ex, my mom also enjoys listening to me talk. I went into details about the entire encounter, and I also told her my own opinion as to what the wasp may have been thinking. I told mom that a fly also flew inside a few days ago and that I was patient enough to wait 2 days before I was able to also capture it inside a cup, and then release it outdoors. I told my mom what the fly must have been thinking, and how these insects are communicating with each other about which homes to go to, and the fact that it’s so hot now, so they’re just lurking around, waiting for a chance to fly inside and enjoy our air-conditioned house, with free food and free water.

Mom was so sweet. 😝 After hearing what I had to say, she told me that I should write children’s books, starting from how I first called the cops, then called the exterminator, and then my husband caught the wasp, and how the insects are talking with each other, etc. etc. It’s true, I have a very active imagination, and I can often sense what animals (and people) are saying or thinking. I was so happy to hear mom say that because she always sees the best in me, even with little silly things that I say or do. 😁

My mom is my best cheerleader, and my best friend. She always has a lot of faith and belief in what I think or do. Whatever self-worth I have learned growing up, I learned it because of my mom. My mom always makes me feel like I can accomplish anything I want in life. Sometimes, to the extent where I think that my mom is being a little unrealistic, but I still appreciate her completely. I love my mom so much, not just for being such a kind, and caring person, but for seeing the best in me, especially when I can’t see it myself. Thank you mom!

Oh, and thank you hubby, for being willing to risk your safety to try and capture the wasp instead of killing it! You definitely accumulated 100 or more “Good Karma Points” for doing that! 😝

That’s What Friends Are For

And I never thought I’d feel this way
And as far as I’m concerned
I’m glad I got the chance to say
That I do believe, I love you

And if I should ever go away
Well, then close your eyes and try
To feel the way we do today
And then if you can remember

Keep smiling, keep shining
Knowing you can always count on me, for sure
That’s what friends are for
For good times and bad times
I’ll be on your side forever more
That’s what friends are for

Well, you came in loving me
And now there’s so much more I see
And so by the way
I thank you

Oh and then for the times when we’re apart
Well, then close your eyes and know
The words are coming from my heart
And then if you can remember

Keep smiling and keep shining
Knowing you can always count on me, for sure
That’s what friends are for
In good times and bad times
I’ll be on your side forever more
That’s what friends are for

Keep smiling, keep shining
Knowing you can always count on me, for sure
That’s what friends are for
For good times and bad times
I’ll be on your side forever more
That’s what friends are for

Keep smiling, keep shining
Knowing you can always count on me, for sure
Cause I tell you, that’s what friends are for
Whoa, good times and the bad times
I’ll be on your side forever more
That’s what friends are for

I haven’t spoken with my ex on the phone for a few weeks now, and we had a nice conversation this afternoon.

I told him about my verbal altercation with my neighbor last weekend. I was describing to my ex the entire story from the beginning to the end. After being married to my husband for 13 years, I’ve learned to make summaries of what I want to say, since my husband will make it obvious after I speak a few sentences that he is losing interest in what I have to say.

My husband is not just like that with me though, he’s like that with everyone. He will summarize something that takes 10 sentences to describe fully into one sentence. However, because of that, specific details often get omitted, or he will come across as being uncaring or insincere.

I guess I’m supposed to not take it personally since my husband is like that with everyone. He often makes it known that he’s not just being short and unemotional towards me, so I shouldn’t be upset about it. Therefore, I’m being treated the same by him just like with anyone else. I guess there’s nothing special about me being his wife, and I shouldn’t be expecting any special treatments from him either.

Not only does my husband not speak much to me, but he also doesn’t want me to speak much to him either. I guess I reluctantly got used to it. When I was telling my ex about my verbal altercation with my neighbor, I started getting self-conscious after about 5 sentences into the conversation. I couldn’t believe that I was still talking about the same topic, and my ex was still listening attentively, with no interruptions, or showing signs that he’s losing interest in what I have to say.

My ex doesn’t talk that much himself either. However, he enjoys listening to what I have to say. In fact, he’ll encourage me to speak. I remember when we’re both in the car (which was very often, since we were always doing things together), and if I didn’t say anything after 5 minutes, he’ll ask me if there’s something that’s bothering me? I remember sometimes I would feel a little stressed out because I felt like I had to constantly come up with some kind of conversation with him. Otherwise, he’ll think that there’s either something wrong with me, or that I’m upset. Man, what a huge difference that is now with my husband!

I got hurt really deeply by my husband last year. I was working three jobs and losing my voice because I had to constantly talk non-stop with the 2 contact tracing jobs. But even so, I still felt that it was important to have daily conversations with my husband and I often had to wrack my brain to think of something to say, since we don’t have much in common to begin with. One day, after he came home, I was talking with him about something, I can’t remember what now, it was probably just small talk. I was already exhausted from my contact tracing job in the morning, and still had my bilingual customer service rep job in the evening, but I still made the effort to speak with him. I barely said three sentences and then he said me, “I guess you’re not THAT tired from your jobs”.

Knowing now that he’s a narcissist, he was able to say it with a smile and a seemingly joking tone, but I could feel it like a dagger piercing through my heart. I could feel him actually wanting to say to me “Stop talking! This is not important! I don’t care to hear about it!”. That was what he really wanted to say to me. It hurt me so deeply, I will never forget it! I think it was after that incidence, that I started to slowly shut down and stopped putting in the effort to communicate with him, unless it’s necessary.

I still miss my ex even though it’s been over 15 years now, and he has physically and sexually hurt me in the past. We don’t ever speak of those incidences in our conversations though. He still keeps all of my belongings, some of which I’m not even aware of that he has. Sometimes, he’ll send me a photo he found saved in his computer of us. Sometimes, he’ll call me just to reminisce of the past. I always try to keep it cool with him over the phone. But the fact of the matter is, I still reminisce of our past as well.

I don’t know why, but my ex is the only person (besides my dad, my mom, and my sister) that I will end up crying when leaving. My ex and I used to always stick together, but there was a very rare occasion where I had to go back to Taiwan first, so he took me to the airport and we hung out at the airport together until it was time for me to board. I remember I kept on looking back, like an abandoned child, and I kept on crying, and he didn’t leave either. He just stood there for the entire time until I finally passed through the immigration gates and could no longer see him. Then one time, he had to go back to Taiwan on his own, and he asked our landlord (who is also our friend) to drive him to the airport because for one, he knows that I have no sense of direction, and I will not for the life of me be able to drive myself out of LAX to go home. I probably won’t even know how to walk back to my car. Secondly, he doesn’t want me to cry my eyes out when he boards.

Even though my ex is three years younger than me, he acts like he’s older than me. It’s probably also because he’s the eldest in the family and I’m the youngest, and I tend to be more child-like. He has said before that he never feels like I’m older than him when we’re together. Thinking back, he’s actually pretty bossy, and controlling of me….. sometimes to the extent where I just get upset and feel like rebelling…..

When I told my ex that we were leaving for Minnesota in 2014, my ex wanted to have dinner with us. I told him it’s not necessary. I didn’t tell him it’s because I know that I’m going to cry my eyes out, and that wouldn’t go well with my husband (I think my ex’s wife was back in Taiwan visiting her father at that time).

When we were on day 2 of our relocation road trip to Minnesota, my ex texted me to tell me that he sat at the Carpinteria beach for the entire day. We used to live in Carpinteria, which was also where my husband’s company was based. I guess my ex was still trying to feel whatever aura I had left behind me in Carpinteria. I was so touched, I wanted to cry, but instead, I just played it cool, like what I’ve been doing all these years, whenever my ex got emotional about our past….

I don’t think that my husband completely does not love me. I mean, he must have some love for me, right? He doesn’t expect me to work or to earn money. He feels that this is his responsibility, his duty. Unfortunately, like many other Asian men who were brought up by their parents from the old culture, my husband just feels that as long as he brings home the bread, it’s enough. He doesn’t have to do anything else. He doesn’t have to care about his wife’s emotional wellbeing or anything else. My husband was an attentive, loving boyfriend, and yet, as soon as we got married, it was like, his whole mentality changed. It was like he had this Book of Life that told him, this is how you treat your girlfriend, and this is how you treat your wife.

When my ex and I first started dating, we made love to each other every single day for over a year. I remember when it went down to three times a week, I told my ex that I was worried about us, that we weren’t making love every single day like before. With my husband, it wasn’t often from the beginning. There were always reasons, when we were dating, he’d travel over three hours (thanks to SoCal’s lousy traffic) back and fro to come and see me, then he started drinking again….

Life is so complicated. Relationships are so complicated. I feel lost in this world…

I suddenly miss SoCal so much now, it physically hurts. My Microsoft OneDrive emails me of photos that were taken on this day throughout the years. There’s one of me with my ex from a long time ago taken at the Hearst Castle in San Luis Obispo, California. There’s another one of me, also taken years ago (on this day) by my husband.

This just brings back waves of memories of my past. The past that I just want to let go, so that I can move on with my life.

I got into a verbal altercation with my neighbor next door yesterday over his noise issues and his visitors’ cars parking onto our side of the driveway. It ended with him saying that he will play loud music just for us every morning, and with me telling him that I will call his agent and call the cops.

After saying that, I stormed back into my townhouse and slammed the door. I called his agent and left a voicemail asking her to intervene before this situation escalates further. I also texted my agent and she said that she will call our association on Monday to see what actions can be taken against my neighbor.

I ended up with a huge headache and had to put acupuncture needles on my head, and practice deep breathing.

I texted my agent just now to tell her that we’ll wait for a while longer to see if the situation improves, before escalating it with the association. We would like to give our neighbor the benefit of the doubt that he just said those mean words in the heat of the moment and doesn’t really want to make the situation worse.

I’ll also start looking for another place for rent. It’s difficult though, with it being the seller’s market. Most homeowners are choosing to sell their homes, instead of renting it out. The Covid situation last year also didn’t help, with homeowners being forced to let non-paying tenants continue to stay rent-free.

I’ll also start packing, purging and donating things that we don’t need to lighten up our load.

I just miss the ocean so much. I wish I could drive down to the ocean right now. We’ve lived on beachfront property in Ventura County previously and I would just go for a walk every afternoon and feel rejuvenated afterwards. Even after we moved to the hilltop, it was still just a 15 minute drive to the ocean. Now, I’m not even remotely close to any ocean, never mind the Pacific ocean, that I love so much …..

In the Neighborhood

~ Vonda Shepard

Here’s a photo I’ve been looking for
It’s a picture of thee boy next door
And I loved him more than words could say
Never knew it ’til he moved away

Faded pictures in my scrapbook
Just thought I’d take one more look
And recall when we were all
In the neighborhood

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Here’s a photo of the neighborhood
Here’s the corner where we stood
Here’s a snapshot of dad’s old car

Never got us very far
Faded pictures in my scrapbook
Just thought I’d take one more look
And recall when we were all

In the neighborhood
And all those friends
Where did they go, I don’t know
All those friends we used to know
In the neighborhood

I just found out from my husband now that his highest paying client has cut his work drastically, and thus lowering his monthly income by three quarters.

We were still struggling financially in 2020, after the medical device company that my husband has worked for since 2006 went under towards the end of 2019. My husband was exhausted from his third-shift supervisor job and it wasn’t bringing home much income either.

Last year around the same time as now, my husband said to me one day, “Let’s go, let’s go now”. I asked him “Go where”? He said “Anywhere, you choose”. I thought he was kidding, especially with the pandemic still being very bad around the same time this year. Then one night, about 2 weeks later, after he arrived at the start of his third-shift job, he texted me to let me know that he has arrived safely, and he also said that he’s done with working in Minnesota. He’s going to give one month’s notice to terminate his third-shift supervisor’s job and he wants me to start planning as to where we will live in California and to start packing accordingly. It’s not like there’s a job waiting for him in California but he’s just done with working in Minnesota.

I had actually just looked at a single family home for rent and was seriously considering taking it, as our current townhouse is way overpriced, main reason being that we are on a short-term lease.

I started sorting our stuff into three categories: to sell, to donate, and to throw away. My snow tires were about 4 years old and we sold them for $100. My husband just got brand new snow tires for winter, and we sold them for $200. We donated so many things. We had this fancy fiber-glass snow shovel that was hardly ever used, among many other expensive, hardly used things, that we just all donated away. We donated all of our winter clothes as we’ll never need them again in California.

I started planning our route to ship one car back to California and drive mine back ourselves. Even with the pandemic, traveling in summer can get very expensive especially with regards to lodging. I finally convinced my husband to let us leave after the Labor Day long weekend as that’s when all the kids are back to school and the hotel rates are no longer so expensive. My husband grudgingly agreed to it as he just can not stand working for that third-shift job anymore. It was taking a great toll on his health, so I can totally understand where he’s coming from. I told my supervisor for my work-from-home job and she said that it’s fine, I’ll just be working the same shift from a different time zone (from Central Time to Pacific Time after we move back to California). The money I make from my work-from-home job is minimal, especially compared to what my husband used to make as a medical device engineer, so I have no say to our move. It’s not like I can tell him that I will now put bread on our table while he slowly tries to find another suitable job in Minnesota.

About 3 weeks before we were going to leave Minnesota, it was as if by miracle, this client contacted my husband and basically told him that they’ll be working with investors that are constantly looking to start a new company, so my husband will always have work to do, and thus a consistent income.

That’s great news, except that we got rid of almost everything now…. We had to re-purchase all of our winter clothes. I had to buy new snow tires. My husband said that he doesn’t need snow tires so we didn’t buy new snow tires for him this time round. We’re still struggling to find stuff from our storage unit; not remembering whether it’s lying around somewhere in our storage unit, or if we’ve donated it, sold it, or trashed it away?

Things were finally beginning to become more stable towards Feb/March of 2021 so I decided to start looking for a single family house for rent again. But then my husband told me that we may be leaving again. This entire ordeal has put me into a constant state of fight or flight and I’m always on guard, not knowing when we’ll be leaving again. I got so fed up with him and asked him to please just stay put, especially because he’s wanting to leave not because his client doesn’t have any work for him, but because my husband is unhappy with the client now.

Well, here we are again, a few months later, and I just by chance found out (since my husband and I have hardly been speaking with each other this entire year) that his client dropped his workload by three quarters. And since this client promised my husband endless streams of investors, my husband has basically put all his eggs into this one basket. Good thing another client asked him to start some work just over a month ago, but that client is still trying to find investors to invest in his new start-up company, so we don’t even know if that client has the money to pay my husband for the work that my husband has done for him for the past two months?

I asked my husband just now to please let me know way in advance if we’ll have to leave Minnesota again, especially since I was just starting to look for another single family house for rent again! My husband told me to just start planning as if we’ll be leaving as with his current situation, there’s no guarantee as to how long it will last.

I don’t even know what to do anymore. And there I was, just a few days ago, complaining about that person who had been playing with my feelings for over a year now. Well, I guess if my husband and I end up leaving Minnesota, then that emotional situation will just end naturally. I won’t even have to try my best to get over this player, the circumstances will just do it for me.

I guess it’s time to just let bygones be bygones?

How do you let go of someone that you were never in a relationship with? He’s probably the worst partner you’ve ever had if you two had been in a relationship. However, because of his intentional secrecy, because he has never disclosed any of his personal life to you, you end up thinking of this possible fairy-tale relationship with him through rose-colored lenses. Because of the way he acts physically towards you when see him, you think that he is also this strong and powerful person in bed, in real life.

For all you know, he could be impotent, or he could have premature ejaculation and be poorly endowed. You know nothing about him, and that’s why you give him the benefit of the doubt and think that he’s the greatest lover in the world. Meanwhile, he’s not tall, he’s immature, financially unstable and loves playing mind games. He’s like this immature child that you had been putting up with for almost a year now, and for what? Just for him to play even more stupid mind games with you?

Forget it! You know your self-worth. You deserve someone much better! He does not deserve you! All he ever does is try to suck up your energy and get your attention to feed his ego, because he has low self-esteem. He can’t even compare to what you already have, so why would you want to settle for less? Why would you lower your standards for someone who has done nothing for you? Exactly what on earth was it that you saw in him? What does he have to offer? He can’t even hold a conversation. Now that you’ve finally taken off your rose-colored lenses, you wonder to yourself, what did you ever see in him????? He probably cast a spell on you and that’s why you became blind and became attracted to him? Instead of wasting his brain cells on playing mind games, why doesn’t he just use that to further his own education instead?

He has physically hurt you in the past, and if you two were to get together, then he will most likely physically hurt you again in the future. He is a narcissist, to dare hurt you under those circumstances and not even be afraid of getting caught! For all you know, he’s probably an alcoholic and a sex addict, with anger issues and jealousy issues. That’s why someone else of the same age as him, with similar educational background, is already married with two children. And yet, this player is probably still frequenting night clubs and sleeping around with various high school dropout floozies (because those are the only kind that will be stupid enough to be fooled by him). I wouldn’t be surprised if he has STD’s as well. Thank goodness we were never in a relationship! If he dares to pull another stupid stunt and hurt you, then report him! Let him reap what he sows!

崇拜

作詞/Lyricist：陳沒
作曲/Composer：彭學斌

你的姿態 你的青睞 我存在在你的存在 (Chorus starts)
ni de zi tai  ni de qing lai  wo cun zai ni de cun zai
Your attitude, your good graces, I existed in your existence.
你以為愛 就是被愛 你揮霍了我的崇拜 (Chorus ends)
ni yi wei ai  jiu shi bei ai  ni hui huo le wo de chong bai
You thought that love meant you being loved. You squandered away all of my adoration for you.

我活了 我愛了 我都不管了
wo huo le  wo ai le  wo dou bu guan le
I’ve lived, I’ve loved, but now I don’t care
心愛到瘋了 恨到酸了就好了
xin ai dao feng le  hen dao suan le  jiu hao le
Loving til your heart’s gone crazy and hating til your heart’s gone sour, that’s enough
可能的 可以的 真的可惜了
ke neng de  ke yi de  zhen de ke xi le
Possibilities, opportunities – It’s sad that they no longer exist
幸福好不容易 怎麼你卻不敢了呢？
xing fu hao bu rong yi  zen me ni que bu gan le ne
It’s really not easy to attain happiness, but still, why don’t you have the courage to try?

我還以為我們能 不同於別人
wo hai yi wei wo men neng  bu tong yu bie ren
I even thought that we could be different from other people
我還以為不可能的 不會不可能
wo hai yi wei bu ke neng de  bu hui bu ke neng
I even thought that the impossible could not be impossible (i.e. that the impossible was possible)

Chorus

風箏有風 海豚有海
feng zheng you geng  hai dun you hai
Kites have the wind, dolphins have the sea
我存在在我的存在
wo cun zai zai wo de cun zai
I exist for myself
所以明白 所以離開
suo yi ming bai  suo yi li kai
so I can understand, so I can leave (you)
所以不再為愛而愛
Suo yi bu zai wei ai er ai
so I no longer love because of love

我己存在 在你之外
Zi ji cun zai  zai ni zi wai
I’ll live alone, apart from you

Another classic Cantonese love song, sung by the late Anita Mui. R.I.P. 梅艷芳! 🌷 She is an international superstar. However, she never got married, and died in 2003 after battling with cervical cancer.

She wore a wedding gown while singing this last song in her last concert. She spoke of the regret of not having to wear her wedding gown and of not having children. A sad ending for an amazing women who just wanted to experience the normal life experiences….

A beautiful love song sung by Danny Chan. He suffered from mental illnesses and took his own life. R.I.P. 陳百強 ! 🌺

Why should it matter who I am? Let me experience love once again… 💗

不必在乎我是誰

詞曲 李宗盛

我覺得有點累　我生活缺少安慰

wo jiao de you dian lei 　wo sheng huo que shao an wei

I feel a little tired. I don’t have comfort in my life.

我的生活如此乏味　生命像花一樣枯萎

wo de sheng huo ru ci fa wei 　sheng ming xiang hua yi yang ku wei

My life is so tedious, it is like a flower withering away.

我整夜不能睡　可能是因為煙和咖啡

wo zheng ye bu neng shui 　ke neng shi yin wei yan he ka fei

I can’t sleep all night, probably because of all the smoke and coffee.

如果是因為沒有人陪　我願意敞開心扉

ru guo shi yin wei mei you ren pei 　wo yuan yi chang kai xin fei

If it’s because I’m not with anyone, then I’m willing to open up my heart.

幾次真的想讓自己醉 (Chorus starts)

ji ci zhen de xiang rang zi ji zui

A few times I really wanted to get drunk.

讓自己遠離那許多恩怨是非

rang zi ji yuan li na xu duo en yuan shi fei

Keep myself away from the many grudges and wrongs.

讓隱藏已久的渴望隨風飛　喔～忘了我是誰

rang yin cang yi jiu de ke wang sui feng fei 　wo ～wang le wo shi shui

Let the long-hidden desires fly away with the wind. Oh ~ just forget who I am.

女人若沒人愛多可悲

nu ren ruo mei ren ai duo ke bei

How sad for a woman is if she’s unloved.

就算是有人聽我的歌會流淚

jiu suan shi you ren ting wo de ge hui liu lei

Even if my song touches someone’s heart and makes them cry

我還是真的期待有人追　何必在乎我是誰 (Chorus ends)

wo hai shi zhen de qi dai you ren zhui 　he bi zai hu wo shi shui

I really still wish for someone to pursue me. Why should it matter who I am?

我想你說的對　寂寞使人憔悴

wo xiang ni shuo de dui 　ji mo shi ren qiao cui

I think you’re right. Loneliness wears one out.

是寂寞使人心碎　戀愛中的女人纔美

shi ji mo shi ren xin sui 　lian ai zhong de nu ren shan mei

It’s loneliness that breaks ones heart. A woman is most beautiful when she is in love.

我想我做的對　我想我不會後悔

wo xiang wo zuo de dui 　wo xiang wo bu hui hou hui

I think I made the right decision. I don’t think I’ll regret it.

不管春風怎樣吹　讓我先好好愛一回

bu guan chun feng zen yang chui 　rang wo xian hao hao ai yi hui

No matter how the spring breeze blows, let me experience love first.

Chorus

我想我做的對　我想我不會後悔

wo xiang wo zuo de dui 　wo xiang wo bu hui hou hui

I think I made the right decision. I don’t think I’ll regret it.

不管春風怎樣吹　讓我先好好愛一回

bu guan chun feng zen yang chui 　rang wo xian hao hao ai yi hui

No matter how the spring breeze blows, let me experience love first. 💗

Is love like a bubble? Is it so fragile that it bursts with the slightest touch? 💕

Bubbles ~ 泡沫

~ G.E.M. – 鄧紫棋

陽光下的泡沫　是彩色的

yang guang xia de pao mo 　shi cai se de

The bubbles under the sun are filled with rainbow colors

就像被騙的我　是幸福的

jiu xiang bei pian de wo 　shi xing fu de

Just like me who is being deceived, yet still feel happy

追究什麼對錯　你的謊言　基於你還愛我

zhui jiu shi me dui cuo 　ni de huang yan 　ji yu ni hai ai wo

Who’s to decide what’s right or wrong? Your lies are based on the fact that you still love me

美麗的泡沫　雖然一剎花火

mei li de pao mo 　sui ran yi cha hua huo

Beautiful bubbles are like a flash of fireworks

你所有承諾　雖然都太脆弱

ni suo you cheng nuo 　sui ran dou tai cui ruo

All of your promises though, are too fragile,

但愛像泡沫　如果能夠看破　有什麼難過

dan ai xiang pao mo 　ru guo neng gou kan po 　you shi me nan guo

But love is like a bubble. What’s to be sad if you can see through it?

早該知道泡沫　一觸就破

zao gai zhi dao pao mo 　yi chu jiu po

I should have known that bubbles break at the slightest touch

就像已傷的心　不勝折磨

jiu xiang yi shang de xin 　bu sheng she mo

Just like a broken heart that is being tormented

也不是誰的錯　謊言再多　基於你還愛我

ye bu shi shui de cuo 　huang yan zai duo 　ji yu ni hai ai wo

Who is to decide who’s fault it is? All of your lies on based on the fact that you still love me.

美麗的泡沫　雖然一剎花火

mei li de pao mo 　sui ran yi cha hua huo

Beautiful bubbles are like a flash of fireworks

你所有承諾　雖然都太脆弱

ni suo you cheng nuo 　sui ran dou tai cui ruo

All of your promises though, are too fragile

愛本是泡沫　如果能夠看破　有什麼難過

ai ben shi pao mo 　ru guo neng gou kan po 　you shi me nan guo

Love is just like a bubble. What’s to be sad if you can see through it?

再美的花朵　盛開過就凋落

zai mei de hua duo 　sheng kai guo jiu diao luo

Even after the most beautiful flower blooms, it will then wilt

再亮眼的星　一閃過就墮落

zai liang yan de xing 　yi shan guo jiu duo luo

Even after the brightest star flashes, it will then fall

愛本是泡沫　如果能夠看破　有什麼難過

ai ben shi pao mo 　ru guo neng gou kan po 　you shi me nan guo

Love is just like a bubble. What’s to be sad if you can see through it?

為什麼難過　有什麼難過　為什麼難過

wei shi me nan guo 　you shi me nan guo 　wei shi me nan guo

Why feel sad? What’s to be sad of ? Why feel sad?

全都是泡沫　只一剎的花火

quan dou shi pao mo 　zhi yi cha de hua huo

They’re all just bubbles, just a flash of fireworks.

你所有承諾　全部都太脆弱

ni suo you cheng nuo 　quan bu dou tai cui ruo

All of your promises are too fragile.

而你的輪廓　怪我沒有看破　才如此難過

er ni de lun kuo 　guai wo mei you kan po 　cai ru ci nan guo

And the true you, it’s my fault for not seeing through it. That’s why I’m now so sad…

相愛的把握　要如何再搜索

xiang ai de ba wo 　yao ru he zai sou suo

The delicate balance in Love, how do we find that again?

相擁著寂寞　難道就不寂寞

xiang yong zhe ji mo 　nan dao jiu bu ji mo

Even when we’re holding each other, we still feel lonely. Isn’t that also being alone itself?

愛本是泡沫　怪我沒有看破　才如此難過

ai ben shi pao mo 　guai wo mei you kan po 　cai ru ci nan guo

Love is just like a bubble. Strange that I did not see through it, and that’s why I’m so sad now..

在雨下的泡沫　一觸就破

zai yu xia de pao mo 　yi chu jiu po

The bubble in the rain breaks at the slightest touch

當初熾熱的心　早已沉沒

dang chu chi re de xin 　zao yi chen mei

The initial burning flames of love have already been extinguished.

說什麼你愛我　如果騙我　我寧願你沉默

shuo shi me ni ai wo 　ru guo pian wo 　wo ning yuan ni chen mo

You still tell me that you love me. But if you’re lying to me, then I’d rather you say nothing.

I am married to a functional alcoholic that is devoid of emotions. I have strong feelings towards someone that is also non-communicative, non-expressive of his feelings, and seems to enjoy inflicting pain upon me. I started having deeper conversations with someone else, but just found out that he enjoys having pain being inflicted upon him; which is not what I enjoy, so we’ll just have to remain friends.

I never need to show my ID, except for my initial doctor’s appointment. Last night, I was emptying my husband’s pockets to wash his jacket, and I found his ID in his pocket. Why would he need to show his ID? He hasn’t seen a doctor for a very long time now and I would know if he had a doctor’s appointment, since I set them up for him. The only time one would need to show their ID in the US is to buy cigarettes, alcohol, or to enter a club.

I just washed his jacket last weekend, so I know that he used his ID card some time this week. I asked him why did he have to use his ID? I was secretly hoping that he would give me a reasonable answer. Even if it was just a half-reasonable answer, I would probably just accept it and let it go. However, he became very defensive and started yelling at me and insulting me. He started complaining of being married to me. I asked him if he wanted to separate? Perhaps, we still live under the same roof but separate, since we’ve already been doing that for over a year now anyway?

I told him to stop yelling. I refuse to be gaslighted by him any longer. All this time, in order to keep peace, I just let him gaslight me, even though I know that he is bullshitting me. This is why I get depressed, because I need to suppress the truth, in order to keep peace. I told him that I know there’s no good reason for him having to show his ID. He leaves work every day late at night, I even suspect that he may be seeing someone. But how would I know? We’ve been sleeping in separate rooms and lately, I’ve decided to stop waiting up for him so I’m in bed before he comes home. I’m not even sure what time he’s back home or if he drank?

And then there’s this person that I had developed strong feelings for quite a while now. However, we hardly see each other or speak with each other. He’s flighty. One day he’ll act like he cares about me, but the next time I see him, he’s flirting with someone else, or just acting cold towards me. I’m beginning to realize that there’s probably just physical attraction between us, and nothing more. Besides, we’re so different in so many ways… And he seems to enjoy inflicting pain upon others. He has hurt me in the past…

I started having some light-hearted enjoyable conversations with another person, but just found out that he enjoys having pain being inflicted upon him. I thought about it. I’m not that kind of person. I don’t enjoy having pain being inflicted upon me, and neither do I enjoy inflicting pain upon others as well. Even if it ultimately brings them pleasure. And will I ever be able to find a man that does not enjoy drinking alcohol?

At this point, I don’t think I’ll ever find the right person for me, sigh…. I think I can only rely on myself. Love myself, honor my own needs and wants. Perhaps this is my life lesson, my life journey…

Vincent (Starry, Starry Night)

~ Don McLean

Starry, starry night
Paint your palette blue and gray
Look out on a summer’s day
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul

Shadows on the hills
Sketch the trees and the daffodils
Catch the breeze and the winter chills
In colors on the snowy, linen land

Now, I understand what you tried to say to me
And how you suffered for your sanity
And how you tried to set them free
They would not listen, they did not know how
Perhaps they’ll listen now

Starry, starry night
Flaming flowers that brightly blaze
Swirling clouds in violet haze
Reflect in Vincent’s eyes of china blue

Colors changing hue
Morning fields of amber grain
Weathered faces lined in pain
Are soothed beneath the artist’s loving hand

Now, I understand, what you tried to say to me
How you suffered for your sanity
How you tried to set them free
They would not listen, they did not know how
Perhaps they’ll listen now

For they could not love you
But still your love was true
And when no hope was left inside
On that starry, starry night

You took your life as lovers often do
But I could have told you, Vincent
This world was never meant for one
As beautiful as you

Starry, starry night
Portraits hung in empty halls
Frameless heads on nameless walls
With eyes that watch the world and can’t forget

Like the strangers that you’ve met
The ragged men in ragged clothes
The silver thorn of bloody rose
Lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow

Now, I think I know what you tried to say to me
How you suffered for your sanity
How you tried to set them free
They would not listen, they’re not listening still
Perhaps they never will…