🌺 Journal

• Theme for the Week:
• 🌺 Radical Acceptance ~ Accepting Reality for What Is!
• Affirmations for the Week:
• 🌺 I accept that manho lied to, manipulated, and used me.
• 🌺 I let go of what he has done to me, and trust that the Universe will bring Justice to this situation!
• 🌺 “Radical” means all the way, complete and total.
• 🌺 It is accepting in your mind, your heart, and your body.
• 🌺 It’s when you stop fighting reality, stop throwing tantrums because reality is not the way you want it, and let go of bitterness.
• 🌺 Resentment is like swallowing poison and waiting for the other person to die.
• 🌺 My best revenge is to live my best life ~ filled with health, wealth, love, joy and happiness!
• Sunday (08/29/21):
• 😃 I’m going with my friend to the Minnesota State Fair next week.
• 😃 I’ve been on a gluten-free, dairy-free, soy-free, egg-free, and “whatever else free that you can think of” diet for my health; to the point where I’m starting to wonder what the point is of eating? I’m getting so bored with “eating” these days.
• 😃 I have decided to take my allergy meds, bring my lactase (the enzyme to digest dairy products) tablets, and make sure that I have my EpiPen (in case of severe allergies leading to anaphylactic shock) on me that day, for I am going to eat everything under the sun! 🌞
• 😃 I am well aware of the possible consequences of my actions; i.e. I may become sick and suffer from pain for the next few days afterwards, and I am willing to accept the consequences.
• 😃 I will enjoy everything I eat on that day, get sick and feel pain (hopefully not though, fingers crossed…) for the next few days, and go back to my gluten-free, dairy-free, soy-free, egg-free and “whatever else free that you can think of” healthy diet the very next day.
• 😃 I can hardly wait! 😜
• Monday (08/30/21):
• 🥝 I have a headache, having issues with dad’s stuff in South Africa again. Once again, I don’t want to open my emails. 😢
• 🥝 I just had a realization now, that this is not going to end. It’s like the wildfires every year in summer. If there’s trees and grasses, then you can expect to have a wildfire.
• 🥝 I’m really glad that I’ve started to learn DBT now. It’s a skill set I wish I had since a long time ago.
• 🥝 If I allow these issues to affect me every single time something happens, then I’ll get affected all the time.
• 🥝 I really can’t do anything about things that just happen. I need to accept them as what is, and just work through the issues one day at a time…
• 🤔 I just noticed this afternoon that the colleague that manho is sleeping with has gone huge! I wonder if she’s just gotten fat, or if she’s actually pregnant now???
• 🤔 And she’s always coughing, I wonder if she has Covid? 🤔
• Tuesday (08/31/21):
• 🍓 Second (Sacral) Chakra ~ I AM a Mentor, Not a Rescuer
• 🍓 I avoid continually sacrificing my own happiness for others by rescuing and enabling them, as doing this may hinder personal growth for both of us.
• 🍓 I do not assume that everyone wants my opinions and solutions to their life challenges, and if I am in doubt, I will ask them!
• 🍓 I take responsibility for my own happiness!
• Wednesday (09/01/21):
• 🌴 Third (Solar Plexus) Chakra ~ Inner Harmony
• 🌴 I trust my innate wisdom and respond accordingly.
• 🌴 I am at peace with myself and those around me and I do not harbor unrealistic expectations of myself or of others. I release the need to control others.
• 🌴 The foundation of all my thoughts and actions is trust in myself.
• Thursday (09/02/21):
• ❤️ Fourth (Heart) Chakra ~ Generosity
• ❤️ Speaking from the heart will let those around me know how I feel about them. My generosity will touch another person’s heart and replenish their spirit.
• ❤️ Through love, I have a positive, spontaneous and lasting influence on the healing and transformation of both myself and others.
• Friday (09/03/21):
• 🌻 Yesterday was my dearest sister’s birthday. Mom said that she’s not doing too well.
• 🌻 Mom and I had a long, heart-felt conversation. We also recited the “Serenity Prayer” together for a few times over the phone.
• 🌻 Happy Birthday My Dearest Pooky Baby! I pray that you get better and better each and every day! I love you so much!!! 💕💕💕
• Saturday (09/04/21):
• 💐 I had a nap yesterday afternoon and woke up with a sprain on the right side of my neck.
• 💐 I slept relatively well last night, but ended up sleeping on my left side, and after I woke up, I ended up with pain on the left side of my neck and my left scapula.
• 💐 What is going on with me? It seems like I have an imbalance on the left and right sides of my body?

I went with my friend to the Minnesota State Fair yesterday. He used to serve in the military and yesterday was “Military Appreciation Day” at the state fair. I told him that I appreciate him for serving our country! I have the utmost respect for our men in uniforms, especially our military personnel, probably because my father used to serve in the Army as well. I’m also turned on by men in uniforms, especially in the white Navy uniform, like this photo of Richard Gere in “An Officer and a Gentleman“. The combination of the ocean, the battleship, and the trumpet & saxophone that the Navy Band plays is so tantalizing…

I saw on their website that they have a new food this year called The “Kerala Fried Chicken Kati Roll”, and it looked so yummy! My friend and I were looking all over for it. We decided to visit the “Haunted House” first so that I won’t throw up my food afterwards. The “Haunted House” was so much fun! I held onto my friend’s arm so tightly throughout the entire time. I was screaming, shrieking, jumping up & down, and grabbing tightly onto his arm for the entire time! He showed me a photo this morning of the purple bruises on his biceps. He said that I have the strength of the Hulk that I am unaware of. Incidentally, my husband also said that I am usually the sweetest person on Earth, but when I get angry, then I turn into the Hulk. I guess that goes with when I’m scared as well. I told my friend that I am so sorry, but he was pretty cool about it, especially since he’s the one that enjoys having pain inflicted upon him. He told me to “feel free to bruise me anytime”, hehehe! 😝

I like setting up tough challenges for him, especially since he used to serve in the army. I previously challenged him to work up to holding a plank for an hour a day, but we eventually stopped at the 20-minute mark. He bought a bucket of cookies yesterday, and I challenged him to get the “$2 all you can drink milk”, and drink 9 cups of milk with two cookies for each cup. That comes up to a total of 18 cookies and 9 cups of milk, and this is already after him having a full breakfast, full lunch and a large glass of Caribbean smoothie. I ordered a glass of Paradise Colada for myself, which is a non-alcoholic version of the Piña Colada. It tasted so delicious, oh my gosh!!! 🤤

We had to stop after he had 4 and 1/2 cups of milk, and 6 cookies, as he could no longer hold it in, and wanted to throw up. He told me that my challenges are impossible to meet and that only Superman can do it. I told him that since he was unable to complete this challenge, that I will have to think of a new challenge for him now. 😆

I wanted to visit their cute llamas 🦙, but the “Horse section” was closed when we got there, probably because some of the animals got agitated, so they had to shut down the exhibition for the rest of the day. I also bought myself a cute little lucky bamboo shoot 🎋 to place on my desk and bring me good luck.

We went to the “Health Fair” exhibition and got our Blood Tying done. He is the universal donor, and I am the universal recipient. I told him that I now know who to call if I ever need blood. I had so much fun yesterday, can’t wait to do it again next year!

I love the Paradise Colada drink. Bacardi used to be one of my favorite alcohol drinks back in dental school. Do you like Piña Colada’s? If you do, then I’m the love that you’ve looked for. Write to me and escape! 😍

Escape ~ The Piña Colada Song

~ Rupert Holmes

I was tired of my lady
We’d been together too long
Like a worn out recording
Of a favorite song

So while she lay there sleepin’
I read the paper in bed
And in the personal columns
There was this letter I read

If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
If you’re not into yoga
If you have half a brain
If you like makin’ love at midnight
In the dunes on the cape
Then I’m the love that you’ve looked for
Write to me and escape

I didn’t think about my lady
I know that sounds kinda mean
But me and my old lady
Had fallen into the same old dull routine

So I wrote to the paper
Took out a personal ad
And though I’m nobody’s poet
I thought it wasn’t half bad

Yes, I like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
I’m not much into health food
I am into champagne
I’ve got to meet you by tomorrow noon
And cut through all this red tape
At a bar called O’Malley’s
Where we’ll plan our escape

So I waited with high hopes
And she walked in the place
I knew her smile in an instant
I knew the curve of her face

It was my own lovely lady
And she said, “Oh, it’s you”
Then we laughed for a moment
And I said, “I never knew”

“That you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
And the feel of the ocean
And the taste of champagne
If you like making love at midnight
In the dunes on the cape
You’re the lady I’ve looked for
Come with me and escape”

If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
If you’re not into yoga
If you have half a brain
If you like making love at midnight
In the dunes on the cape
I’m the love that you’ve looked for
Write to me and escape

Yes, I like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
I’m not much into health food
I am into champagne
I’ve got to meet you by tomorrow noon
And cut through all this red tape
At a bar called O’Malley’s
Where we’ll plan our escape

Once again feeling nostalgic… It was a strange experience. He is ten years younger than me, although he initially thought that I was younger than him. He’s a karate black belt Dan and instructor. He is strong, powerful and very sexual. He’s had threesomes in the past. His best friend’s ex-fiancé wanted to experience a threesome with the both of them. I guess things got complicated afterwards and they broke up.

When we had sex, he told me that I was the best sex he has ever had. I didn’t know that he had a girlfriend when we first slept together. Right after we had sex, he told me that he has a girlfriend, and that he’s leaving her.

We had tender, loving and gentle sex the first time we were together. It seemed like he thought I was a virgin. He stared at my naked body and my face with no make up on (I don’t usually put on any make up, sometimes just a light foundation powder for sunscreen protection) and told me that he can’t believe that I am 10 years older than him.

We hooked up for quite a bit afterwards, and he also stayed over at my apartment and I gave him acupuncture treatments. We had sensual, kinky and erotic sex all combined into one. I sat in him and told him to choke me while we had sex, and I told him to “fuck me like a whore” ~ I guess to help me get in touch with the pain that I felt deep down inside of me…

I like intense pressure and force, but not pain though….

I told him to punch towards my face with a closed fist, and to stop at the very last second, because I trusted that he would be able to. He was very nervous about that, but he managed to pull it through! I wanted to see if I would be able to not wince. I did not wince, but I did scream though. It was so exhilarating!

However, the more we hung out together, the more I realized how immature he was. The videos that he watched, the movies that he told me about, the music that he listened to (There was one song that I really liked though ~ “Father and Son” by Cat Stevens. I think he had experienced some “Father Wounding” while growing up… If I remember correctly, his parents got divorced when he was young.), and the things that he was interested in… We drifted further and further apart….

I think this would have been what my encounter would have been like with manho, had we ever gotten together; as he seems like a very immature person, especially regarding the way he handled us. You can be younger, yet mature, like someone else I know of, who is of the exact same age as manho.

The sex with manho (if we had ever gotten together) ~ maybe not too bad; but the communication would have been dreadful! He already can’t hold a short 5-minute conversation together, how are we supposed to have a conversation for 30 minutes or longer??? Communication is of utmost importance in any kind of relationship, and that unfortunately, is the skill that manho lacks.

My husband is not a bad man. He’s just not the man who can fulfill my deepest desires and wishes, I guess… in my mind, body, spirit, and soul…

When I have sex, I let go of all of my inhibitions and end up screaming and writhing a lot. One time, when my husband and I had sex, he told me that when we make love, that it doesn’t have to always be like what is done in the porn movies. I was so taken aback by what he said. So now I can’t even let go of my inhibitions during sex with him??? I guess he would like to imagine himself fucking a virgin, instead of a temptress, when having sex. From that point onwards, it started to affect how I felt, and how I acted whenever we had sex. I will never forget that moment…

I guess, I need to be with a man who appreciates, and enjoys me being totally uninhibited (and he himself as well) when we have sex. Someone who is willing to be vulnerable and open to our raw, intense emotions, feelings, and sensations.

I have to admit though, that I used to prefer having gentle, tender and loving sex. It was after being raped by my ex that I started to develop this tendency at times to want to experience rough sex ~ perhaps as a way to heal my pain, and the sense of guilt and shame that I felt while being raped by him?

These two beautiful superstars (they both are actors and singers) in this music video passed away too soon. Anita Mui died of cervical cancer at the age of 40. Leslie Cheung committed suicide at the age of 46. Rest in Peace my sweet angels.

I am grateful for life, and I am grateful for what I have in life… 🌷

似水流年 (The Passing Years Are Like the Flowing Water)

wàng zhe hǎi yí piàn 
望著海一片
Gazing at the endless sea
mǎn huái juàn   wú lèi yě wú yán 
滿懷倦    無淚也無言
I run out of tears and words
wàng zhe tiān yí piàn 
望著天一片 
Looking at the endless sky
zhǐ gǎn dào qíng huái luàn 
只感到情懷亂   
I’m dazed and confused
wǒ de xīn yòu sì xiǎo mù chuán 
我的心又似小木船  
My heart is like a small wooden boat
yuán jǐng bú jiàn 
遠景不見
Though I can not see the future
dàn réng xiàng zhe qián 
但仍向著前   
But I still move forward
shuí zài mìng lǐ zhú zǎi wǒ 
誰在命裡主牢我
Who is in control of my life?
měi tiān zhēng zhá rén hái lǐ miàn 
每天掙扎 人海裡面
Struggling every day among the crowds
xīn zhōng gǎn tàn sì shuǐ liú nián 
心中感嘆 似水流年   
My heart mourns. The passing years are like the flowing water…
bù ké yǐ liú zhù zuó tiān 
不可以留住昨天   
You can’t hold on to yesterday

liú xià zhí yǒu sī niàn  (Chorus starts)
留下只有思念 
What is left are only memories
yí chuàn chuàn yóng yuǎn chán 
一串串永遠纏 
In bits and pieces that I will forever treasure
hào hàn yān bō lǐ 
浩瀚煙波裡 
Amidst the immense mist-covered sea
wǒ huái niàn   huái niàn wǎng nián 
我懷念     懷念往年  
I cherish the memories of the passing years
wài mào zǎo gǎi biàn 
外貌早改變   
The appearances have already changed
chǔ jìng dōu biàn 
處境都變   
The situation has changed too
qíng huái wèi biàn 
情懷未變   
But the feelings never will… (Chorus ends)

• Theme for the Week:
• 🌷 Letting Go!
• Affirmations for the Week:
• 🌷 I fight my battles wisely.
• 🌷 I let go of the need to control others, and of the outcome.
• 🌷 By not letting other people’s actions affect me, I free myself from fear, anger, anxiety and sadness.
• 🌷 I let go for the sake of my own health and wellbeing!
• 🌷 Let Go and Let God!
• My Healing Plan
• Sunday (08/22/21):
• 🌺 Crown (7th) Chakra ~ Meditation and Silence
• 🌺 I sit still in meditation regularly. I know there is power in silence.
• 🌺 In the silence, I am open to receive without asking and without expectation. In the silence, I will hear and see the truth!
• 🍋 My husband just came home now. Once again, he decided to not do what I asked of him, same as last week when I got mad at him. I decided to just let it go. I remind myself how he acted kindly towards me last Sunday when I thought that I had lost my cellphone while shopping. I tell myself that this is not that big of a deal.
• 🍋 I also remind myself the reality, that oftentimes, he’ll intentionally do the opposite of what I ask of him.
• 🍋 At the same time, I also remind myself that I should also put myself in his shoes. If he keeps on asking me of things that I don’t think is such a big deal, then I’ll get annoyed with him as well. I might also intentionally do the opposite of what he has asked me to do (or not to do) since I’ll feel that either way is acceptable.
• 🍋 I also remind myself that I should let go of control issues. The more I care about fine details, the more it affects me. By letting go of issues that are not of great concern, I am actually freeing myself from a lot of fear, anger and anxiety. If anything, I’ll let it go for my own health and wellbeing. With that being said, I’m letting it go!
• 🍋 There was definitely a reason for my husband and I to meet each other and to be together. Our very difficult relationship forces me to change my behavior and thought patterns. It forces me to learn many difficult lessons in life, such as letting go of the need to control others, letting go of perfectionism, and learning to look at things from another perspective.
• Monday (08/23/21):
• 🌻 Happy Monday!
• 🌻 I did not sleep well last night, got a lot of things on my mind. I also tried out the CES (Cranial Electrotherapy Stimulation) device I ordered to help with my sleep issues & for pain management. It actually gave me a headache, but I’m hoping that’s because I’m just getting used to it.
• 🌻 I’m feeling pretty happy though, because I just joined a 7 Week Tarot Masterclass to teach me how to do tarot readings for myself and for others. I’ve been wanting to learn how to read Tarot cards for a long time now! It starts on September 7th, I can’t wait! 😃
• 🌻 I also just found out that there will be another 15-day Hormone Reset starting on Sept 20. I first joined back in May and once you join this program, you’re in for life. They start a new reset every 4 months. I felt a lot of positivity when I joined the program back in May and can’t wait to start it again in September! They taught last time that one of the ways to maintain a healthy hormonal balance is to have an orgasm every day! Woohoo! 🥰
• 🌻 I have my second Functional Medicine appointment this afternoon to go through the rest of my test results. Dr. P already told me last time that I have mold issues in my body, so hopefully he’ll provide me with more details on how to do a mold detox. Our townhouse had serious water damage and mold issues last year. I guess I must have inhaled a lot of mold spores that remained trapped in my body ever since then.
• 🌻 I am getting healthier and happier each day in my Mind, Body and Spirit! Woohoo! 😃
• Tuesday (08/24/21):
• 🌈 I have finally decided to use Google voice typing instead to help me relieved my right shoulder and arm pain. This is a learning progress but I think it is definitely beneficial for me in the long run.
• 🌈 I am a fast thinker, especially being an Aries sun and Gemini rising, I have many thoughts going through my head all at once constantly. This voice recognition typing is actually a lot slower than my thought speed, but I guess it will help me to slow down my mind.
• 🌈 I’ll still have to do a lot of editing, but this will help to eliminate at least 70% of my typing.
• 🌈 This way, I can continue to journal and express my thoughts, to help heal myself; without causing repetitive motion injuries to myself. Why didn’t I think of this much sooner? 🤔
• 💗 I feel so much love coming from so many people in my life. I feel that all of my healthcare practitioners truly care for my health and wellbeing ~ my chiropractor, my physical therapist, my functional medicine & functional neurology doctor, and my DBT therapist. Thank you all so much! I am so blessed! 😃
• Wednesday (08/25/21):
• 🏵️ Thank goodness I finished my DBT intake sessions yesterday afternoon and could start having phone coaching support 24/7, i.e. there is a support number that I can call whenever I feel that I need some emotional support. I called the phone coaching line last night when I was feeling overwhelmed with having to move back to Taiwan for my sister, and the resentful feelings I have towards that situation.
• 🏵️ While waiting for a therapist to call me back, I started journaling “Red Bean”. A therapist called me back and walked me through the steps of “Radical Acceptance”.
• 🏵️ Acceptance is not saying what happened is okay, and acceptance is not giving up or giving in. Acceptance is acknowledging reality so you can marshal your psychological and emotional resources to move forward and heal. Learning to accept reality, and then using your skills to be as effective as possible, is the path forward and the way to end suffering. Source(s): The DBT Deck for Clients and Therapists: 101 Mindful Practices to Manage Distress, Regulate Emotions & Build Better Relationships
• 🏵️ After we ended the call, I finished journaling “Red Bean”, did some EFT tapping and finally was able to fall asleep for a few short hours. I still feel pretty tired right now, but just am glad that I was finally able to fall asleep last night.
• 🏵️ I had been thinking, that for the past two nights, my brain has been on overdrive. My sister didn’t just get ill last weekend. It’s also not the first time that they had to transfer her back to the critical care unit since she has been placed in long term care at the beginning of 2020. So I did some more digging to see for any other possibilities that’s causing me all this excess anxious energy for the past two nights.
• 🏵️ I remembered that I’ve started two new activities for the past two days: a. CES therapy (30 minutes) just before bed, and b. taking a whole lot more of supplements (prescribed by Dr. P) after interpreting my Functional Medicine lab test results on Monday. I think it has overloaded my body. I’m already experiencing abdominal pain from the large dosages of supplements being prescribed to me by Dr. P, e.g. 5000mg of Vit C (I’ve only increased it to 2000mg in the past 2 weeks, but am already experiencing digestive symptoms).
• 🏵️ I’m supposed to go back for my first follow up appointment in a month’s time but I called this morning to move it to two month’s time instead. I want to very gently increase my supplements and their dosages so that I don’t overwhelm my body. I’ll also just do one 15-min CES treatment per day (not just before bed) for now and see if my body can start to calm down again.
• 🏵️ I was feeling so tired yesterday that I almost crashed into the car in front of me while I was driving to my DBT appointment. I stepped on the brakes so hard and thank goodness was able to avoid a disaster at the very last minute. I need to make sure that I take care of my sleep, energy level, and focus for now.
• 🏵️ Whenever my sister is not doing well, I get triggered so badly. It would be easier if someone just stabbed my heart with a dagger, then pulled out the dagger so that I can quickly bleed to death. In my sister’s case, it’s as if someone stabbed my heart with a dagger and then just pulled it out a little bit, so that I can’t die from it, I can only bleed drops of blood and feel the pain constantly. I fear that this is how I will have to live for the rest of my life ~ bleeding drops of blood and feeling the pain constantly…
• Thursday (08/26/21):
• 😃 Yay, it’s time!!! Congratulations to them and I pray that it goes smoothly!
• Friday (08/27/21):
• 💐 I am still feeling very angry and hurt as to how that player toyed with my emotions and feelings for over a year, and is still continuing to do so.
• 💐 However, resentment is like taking poison, and waiting for the other person to die. While I’m here still unable to get over how badly he has treated me, he’s there physically screwing high school drop out floozies while at work, and elsewhere!
• 💐 And for someone to be screwing their colleague at work, that already tells you how little integrity this person has!
• 💐 I believe in Karma and I believe in Justice. He will get what he deserves in due time.
• 💐 The best revenge you can have is to live a healthy, happy and wonderful life for yourself!
• 💐 I now see you exactly as you are ~ a Player, an immature boy who is trapped by his ego, fears and addictions. I hope you will be able to grow up one day, accept responsibility for all the harm that you have caused me, and make amendments for them.
• 💐 However, I am not holding my breath. Even if you never ever see the error of your ways, I will continue to live a joyful and fulfilling life!
• 💐 I don’t know what has happened to you in your life, but you’re really messed up badly! I hope you’ll be able to heal whatever has caused you to become a manipulative and conniving devil that use people to get what you want, at all costs!
• 💐 If it becomes too difficult to continue having to see you, then I have my backup plan as well.
• 💐 When I watch the way you treat some of them; I can’t quite put my finger on it yet, but something does not feel right. I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels this way. If you don’t stop what you’re doing, then you will end up losing your license and destroying your entire future!
• 💐 Ironically, I was treated previously by someone with the same first name as you. His license was revoked and he went to prison for sexual misconduct. He blatantly violated me once, and I found out later on that it was just before he lost his license and went to prison. I guess he figured that he might as well do whatever he wants before it happens. He never learned his lesson. I hope that same fate does not happen to you as well!
• 💐 You are NOT my Twin Flame! You are just the DEVIL! Even the shadow side of me would not have had the heart to do all of the manipulative and hurtful things that you’ve done to me. We are not of the same kind!
• 💐 All is Well. I AM Doing Just Fine!
• Saturday (08/28/21):
• Sixth (Third Eye) Chakra ~ Acknowledge Spirit
• I trust in a higher source and I acknowledge my direct connection with it.

Yep, those two are sleeping with each other! There’s no good explanation for the two of them to be behind closed doors in that small room; especially when they know that it’s not a busy time, and that there’s no one else around. 

I had suspected this all along, especially because she will always walk back to check on what he’s doing to me when we’re together. The way she talks to him sometimes, is also not the appropriate way for colleagues to speak with one another.

He doesn’t seem to have that much taste in women.  It would make sense though, since he’s just looking for an ego boost to help with his low self-esteem. Therefore, the easiest & fastest way to achieve that, is by choosing quantity over quality. 

When he asked me last year who was I’m moving into the hotel with (during our townhouse’s mold demolition and restoration phase), I told him that it was with my husband. I then asked about his relationship status ~ whether he’s married, and whether he has any kids? He only replied two words, “Just me“.

Since then, I’ll admit that we both had been acting weird around each other, but he also tried his damnedest best to make me dissociate and brainwash me, and often played carefully picked songs in the background, as if he was speaking to me through the lyrics.

After I dissociated, there were things he said to me or did to me that I was unable to process at the time. But all the memories came back to me afterwards. I know what you did to me, and what you said to me, when you thought that I had dissociated and wouldn’t be able to process them or remember them afterwards!

I don’t know if he had ever developed any genuine feelings towards me, but what I do know is that he is sexually attracted to me and wants to sleep with me.

He got very upset when he found out that not only was I working 3 jobs at the time, but I was also taking care of everything else, and the only thing my husband did was work, my husband didn’t help out with anything.

So this player said to me, “It’s time to put that husband of yours to work!“. I realized later on that this was his justification for seducing me. I didn’t even feel like he treated me as a human being with feelings. I felt like he objectified me. That’s why he was able to just hurt me physically when he felt jealous (e.g., because I thought that the pronunciation of someone’s surname sounded cute), or got upset with me (e.g., for being concerned that the person in front of me may be contagious with Covid, or when I got upset that he thought that I just had a haircut, but I actually had it the week prior and I saw him just a day or two after I had the haircut). I am NOT a toy! I AM a real person, with real feelings, that you messed with so badly, for so long!!!!!!

My friend got concerned as to why I keep on getting hurt by him? Sometimes, I wonder if he intentionally causes me an injury, just so that I have to see him more often? My body was just starting to feel stronger recently, and then he “accidentally” caused me an injury again.

What was really unfair and immoral of his behavior was that he seduced me after making me dissociate ~ in my most vulnerable state of mind. He didn’t even care that I had to drive afterwards and may get involved in a car accident because I was still dissociating. He basically wanted to brainwash me, and get me to make the first move, so that he can ease his own conscience and say that it was I who hit on him first, which I never did.

What was also very hurtful was that even if he was being honest with me when he said “Just me”, he never bothered to tell me otherwise, after he had found someone else. He just decided to leave me hanging forever as this “Option”, for him to turn to at any time in the future, should things not go well in his relationship with someone else. He never ever thought of just being honest with me and treating me as a friend. I treated him as a close friend, and have always been genuinely concerned about his health and wellbeing. I learned a new slang from him. “Doing the dishes” meant to be “Doing (Having sex with) someone” – another lie he told me!

He completely destroyed the already fragile relationship I had with my husband, to the point where I think that it can no longer be repaired. Yet, there he is, still screwing people left and right, with me left completely alone to pick up the shattered pieces of my marriage and of my life, all thanks to him!

Thank you Universe for letting me witness this myself yesterday, and for finally providing me with the closure that he has never had the audacity and respect to provide me with.

I would have never developed any romantic feelings towards him, had I known that he was with another person. I wonder how many other people he has played?

If he was a woman, then he would be labeled a “whore”! That’s what I’m going to call him from now on, “manho”. That’s also the first thing that will come to my mind when I see him. He can go and sleep around with his ugly ho’s and catch STD’s, if he has not already have. Ho’s of a feather flock together!

Karma is a Bitch! He lied to me, manipulated me in my most vulnerable state, and played with my feelings for a very very long time. What goes around comes around. This player will get what he deserves one day. Justice will be served!

Somebody That I Used to Know

~ Gotye

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it’s an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I’ll admit that I was glad it was over

But you didn’t have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don’t even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No, you didn’t have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don’t need that though
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I’d done
But I don’t wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn’t catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know

But you didn’t have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don’t even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No, you didn’t have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don’t need that though
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know
Somebody (I used to know)
(Somebody) Now you’re just somebody that I used to know
Somebody (I used to know)
(Somebody) Now you’re just somebody that I used to know
I used to know, that I used to know, I used to know somebody

The red bean symbolizes love and faithfulness. In some parts of Asia, such as in Taiwan, men will often present red beans to their lover to show their commitment for a relationship. The red bean also symbolizes happiness. When a bride wears jewelry made from red beans on her wrist or neck, it means that she will lead a happy life. It is also a cultural belief and practice that if married couples put six red beans underneath each of their pillows, then their love will remain till eternity…

The red bean is also a symbol of ‘remembrance’ or ‘memorable’, because the wife keeps on remembering the husband and waits for him to return everyday…

Once again, I’m unable to fall asleep. I’ve not been able to stop thinking about my sister since mom told me last weekend that my sister got transferred back to the critical care unit. I feel really sad for my sister, and I feel that I need to go back to Taiwan in the near future to be there for her.

However, at the same time, I also feel sad for myself. Ever since I told Mom last year that I will go back to Taiwan to take care of my sister, I’ve been feeling this huge weight on my shoulders.

I left Taiwan when I was 3 years old. Dad got transferred back to Taiwan (from the US) when I was 9 years old, and then he got transferred to South Africa when I was 14 years old.  I also stayed in Taiwan for a year in 2009, so I’ve spent a total of 9 years of my life in Taiwan.

I can’t stand the weather in Taiwan, especially in summer. It is too hot and too humid. Taiwan is also very congested. If you like living in the city, then you’ll like living in Taiwan. However, I prefer living in the countryside, and having lots of space between myself and my neighbors. I also prefer to live in a quiet environment.

Even though I feel sad for my sister, and I love her very much but at the same time, I also feel resentful towards her for making me have to uproot my life completely to live somewhere that I do not want to be.  And then I feel guilty and shameful for feeling resentful towards her because she can’t help it, it’s not her fault. All of these mixed emotions torment me so much. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel. I don’t feel that I am allowed to honor how I feel, i.e. feeling resentful towards her.

I can still hold myself together during the day.  But at night, I can’t stop thinking about these things.

Is it You who is my Twin Flame? Why do I feel such a magnetic pull towards you, even though you can be cruel at times???

I will miss you…

Source(s): http://iamjewelgirl.blogspot.com/2012/04/red-bean.html

紅豆 (Red Bean)

~ 王菲 (Faye Wong)

還沒好好的感受　雪花綻放的氣候

hai mei hao hao de gan shou 　xue hua zhan fang de qi hou

I haven’t properly felt the atmosphere in which snowflakes blosssom

我們一起顫抖　會更明白　甚麼是溫柔

wo men yi qi chan dou 　hui geng ming bai 　shen me shi wen rou

When we shiver together, we will further understand what tenderness is

還沒跟你牽著手　走過荒蕪的沙丘

hai mei gen ni qian zhe shou 　zou guo huang wu de sha qiu

I haven’t held hands with you and walked past untended sand dunes

可能從此以後　學會珍惜　天長和地久

ke neng cong ci yi hou 　xue hui zhen xi 　tian zhang he di jiu

Maybe from now on until later, we will learn to appreciate eternity

有時候　有時候 (Chorus starts)

you shi hou 　you shi hou

Sometimes, there are times,

我會相信一切有盡頭

wo hui xiang xin yi qie you jin tou

when I believe that everything has an end

相聚離開　都有時候

xiang ju li kai 　dou you shi hou

There are times for gatherings and partings;

沒有甚麼會永垂不朽

mei you shen me hui yong chui bu xiu

Nothing lasts forever

可是我　有時候

ke shi wo 　you shi hou

But sometimes I …

寧願選擇留戀不放手

ning yuan xuan ze liu lian bu fang shou

I’d rather be nostalgic than let go.

等到風景都看透

deng dao feng jing dou kan tou

Until I have seen through all the scenery;

也許你會陪我　看細水長流 (Chorus ends)

ye xu ni hui pei wo 　kan xi shui zhang liu

Perhaps you will accompany me to watch the flowing stream…

還沒為你把紅豆　熬成纏綿的傷口

hai mei wei ni ba hong dou 　ao cheng chan mian de shang kou

I haven’t simmered the red bean for you, into wounds that linger

然後一起分享　會更明白　相思的哀愁

ran hou yi qi fen xiang 　hui geng ming bai 　xiang si de ai chou

Then when we share it with each other, we will further understand the sorrow of missing each other!

還沒好好的感受　醒著親吻的溫柔

hai mei hao hao de gan shou 　xing zhe qin wen de wen rou

I haven’t properly felt the tenderness of kissing while awake

可能在我左右　你才追求　孤獨的自由

ke neng zai wo zuo you 　ni cai zhui qiu 　gu du de zi you

Maybe it’s with me that you’re pursuing lonely freedom.

I cried myself to sleep last night thinking of my sister, and missing her dearly. Sometimes, I’m afraid to think about my sister, because once I do, I can’t stop crying.

I woke up this morning hearing the sounds of thunder and rain. I have two air purifiers in my bedroom to help with my allergies and to act as white noise. When I heard the thunderstorm and rain this morning, I turned both of my air purifiers off, because I love listening to the rhythm of the falling rain. ⛈️

Rhythm of the Rain

~ The Cascades

Listen to the rhythm of the falling rain
Telling me just what a fool I’ve been
I wish that it would go and let me cry in vain
And let me be alone again

The only girl I care about has gone away
Looking for a brand new start
But little does she know that when she left that day
Along with her she took my heart

Rain please tell me now does that seem fair
For her to steal my heart away when she don’t care?
I can’t love another when my heart’s somewhere far away

The only girl I care about has gone away
Looking for a brand new start
But little does she know that when she left that day
Along with her she took my heart

Rain won’t you tell her that I love her so
Please ask the sun to set her heart aglow
Rain in her heart and let the love we knew start to grow

Listen to the rhythm of the falling rain
Telling me just what a fool I’ve been
I wish that it would go and let me cry in vain
And let me be alone again

Oh, listen to the falling rain
Pitter patter, pitter patter
Oh, oh, oh, listen to the falling rain
Pitter patter, pitter patter

I am really worried about my dental school friend (and classmate) in the UK with his Covid-related complications. His heart has stopped beating on three occasions in the past few months, and I’m worried that it will happen again.

He messaged me on Thursday to ask how I’m doing and to let me know that he’s doing ok, and is trying his best. I messaged him earlier on today to ask how he’s doing, but haven’t received a reply yet. I pray that he’s getting stronger and healthier each and every day.

If I had continued to practice dentistry in the UK, I wonder if I would have ended up catching Covid last year from my patient as well, and with my auto-immune issues, would I have survived?

When I went to the UK to work as a dentist not long after graduating from dental school, I sustained a needle-stick injury from my patient. I notified my employer (who is also a dentist) and he didn’t really care much about it on my behalf. I went to the hospital to get tested for any bloodborne diseases and had to continue to get tested for a long time afterwards, even after I went back to Taiwan. Thank goodness I’m ok, but the emotional scar stays with me for always…

That was the last straw. I didn’t want to end up dying from AIDS, or any other bloodborne diseases from an occupation that I never enjoyed doing in the first place. Going through dental school was already tortuous, I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life working in misery and fear.

Ever since then, I’ve been on a personal journey on finding my true self. What is my purpose in life? Why am I here on this earth?

My ego still struggles to this day on letting go from being a dentist… However, it has gotten better in time…

Die doing what you love? Perhaps, depending upon the circumstances. But die doing what you don’t enjoy doing? Definitely not worth it!

I told my husband a few years ago that I wish I had never studied dentistry, that it had wasted so many years of my life. My husband told me that he’s very happy that I did, because if I had chosen a different path, then we might not have met. I was so touched to hear that. That was very sweet and loving of him…

My chiropractor asked me yesterday why not apply for my Minnesota acupuncture license and start treating patients again? It’s just a matter of me filling out the paperwork and paying the fees. It really got me thinking. However, I am torn. I’m supposed to be going back to Taiwan to help take care of my sister, and mom just told me yesterday that my sister had a relapse and had to be transferred from long term care back to critical care again. 😭

I don’t know what to do? Is my purpose in life just to take care of my husband and my sister, sigh? What is my purpose in life? What am I supposed to do on this earth? I am still searching…

Better in Time

~ Leona Lewis

It’s been the longest winter without you
I didn’t know where to turn to
See somehow I can’t forget you
After all that we’ve been through

Going coming thought I heard a knock
Who’s there no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realize that I really didn’t know
If you didn’t notice you mean everything
Quickly I’m learning to love again
All I know is I’m gonna be OK

Thought I couldn’t live without you
It’s gonna hurt when it heals too
It’ll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I’m gonna smile cause I deserve to
It’ll all get better in time

I couldn’t turn on the TV
Without something there to remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings

If I’m dreaming don’t wanna laugh
Hurt my feelings but that’s the path
I believe in
And I know that time will heal it
If you didn’t notice boy you meant everything
Quickly I’m learning to love again
All I know is I’m gonna be OK

Thought I couldn’t live without you
It’s gonna hurt when it heals too
It’ll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I’m gonna smile cause I deserve to
It’ll all get better in time

Since there’s no more you and me
It’s time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I’ll be fine without you
Yes I will

Thought I couldn’t live without you
It’s gonna hurt when it heals too
It’ll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I’m gonna smile cause I deserve to
It’ll all get better in time

Thought I couldn’t live without you
It’s gonna hurt when it heals too
It’ll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I’m gonna smile cause I deserve to
It’ll all get better in time

I love the UB40 version of this song a lot. UB40 came out with the reggae/pop version of this song back in the early 90’s. This song was also used as the soundtrack to Sharon Stone’s controversial movie “Sliver”. I went with my dental friends to UB40’s concert in South Africa back then as well. It was a lot of fun. This song brings back a lot of fun memories. 😃

Can’t Help Falling in Love

~ UB40

Wise men say, only fools rush in
But I can’t help falling in love with you.

Wise men say, only fools rush in
But I can’t help falling in love with you
Shall I stay? Would it be a sin?
I can’t help falling in love with you.

As the river flows gently to the sea
Darling, so it goes
Some things are meant to be.

Take my hand
Take my whole life too
I can’t help falling in love with you.

As the river flows gently to the sea
Darling, so we go
Some things are meant to be.

Take my hand
Take my whole life, too
‘Cause I can’t help falling in love with you.

I can’t help falling in love with you
I can’t help falling in love with you
I can’t help falling in love with you.

• Theme for the Week:
• Stay Grounded, Be Present
• Affirmations for the Week:
• I AM Centered. I AM Grounded.
• I easily adapt to any situation.
• I breathe deeply and allow my breath to anchor me to the present moment.
• Sunday (08/15/21):
• 🌺 I must have changed over 20 pillows since my concussion in Jan 2019. I still can not seem to find the right pillow to support my neck and shoulders.
• 🌺 I started having constant right shoulder pain after I took on a third (contact tracing) job last year. My condition deteriorated really fast. My right arm was constantly in pain with numbness and tingling sensations. My ongoing neck pain also started to get worse.
• 🌺 He has hurt me in the past ~ both intentionally and inadvertently, and I’m worried that he has anger issues and jealously issues. However, he has also helped me in ways that he probably doesn’t even realize himself.
• 🌺 When I told him about the fast deteriorating condition of my right arm (and neck pain), he told me that I need to look out for myself. He also did something which created a complete “Tower” moment for me and broke me down completely. It was painful, hurtful and devastating. It was also a huge turning point in my life, when I slowly started to realize that I do need to take care of myself and look out for my own best interests as well.
• 🌺 It still took me a while to turn around, and I’m still slowly trying to recover from all of my issues – both physically and psychologically. I do thank him for that. I wish he could have been more gentle in his approach towards me though. I wish it could have been a gentle nudge, bit by bit, instead of me feeling like I was being slapped in the face and stomped on the ground…
• 🌺 My right shoulder has been bothering me more again this week and got really bad yesterday. It felt a bit better after my adjustment yesterday. I think it could have been due to poor posture, some pain from the previous adjustment (I felt some pain in my right acromioclavicular joint right after the shoulder adjustment last time), and from my 20th (or is it the 21st now?) pillow.
• 🌺 I’m going to be more aware of my posture, do my neck retraction exercises more often, and I guess I’m gonna have to try out another pillow now…
• Monday (08/16/21):
• I had really bad right shoulder pain for the entire night last night. I feel like I have a nerve impingement. Gonna have to sort it out today.
• Tuesday (08/17/21):
• 🍀 I found my cellphone yesterday evening! It fell onto the other side of my car. I am so blessed! Thank you Universe! Woohoo! 😆
• 🍀 My entire right arm is still in pain, but a bit better now after my chiropractic adjustment yesterday. We agreed that if it doesn’t get better after 3 weeks, then I’ll have to make an appointment to see an orthopedic surgeon for further evaluation. 😰
• 🍀I’m seeing my PT this afternoon, gonna ask him to please work on that region. I better start watching my posture even more carefully now, and beware of anything that’s causing it pain.
• 🍀 I asked my husband to please help me get my executive chair from our storage unit, as the chairs that came furnished for our townhouse are not of a comfortable height for the table. I’m thinking that this may be a main reason for my right arm pain. I also just remembered last night that I switched to a new pillow on Sunday night, which may be another reason that I had really bad pain in my right arm for the entire night on Sunday.
• Wednesday (08/18/21):
• 🍁 My right shoulder feels better now after my PT session yesterday. My PT worked on my pectoralis m., my scalene m., some muscles on my scapular region and a really tight knot on the right side of my neck (it was so tight it actually felt like a piece of bone).
• 🍁 My PT showed me the “Doorway pectoral stretch” and said that I can do that instead of the corner stretch if that’s hurting my right shoulder too much right now. He said to hold for 30 seconds, and I asked him how many times a day do I have to do this? He said “three”. I was shocked! I actually asked him, “Really”? I was expecting some gruesome schedule and was so happy when he said “Yes”. 😃
• 🍁 My husband kindly brought home my executive chair yesterday from our storage unit. It’s better now that I can adjust the height so that I’m not pressing against my wrist & forearms when typing, but I still can’t seem to find the “perfect” height. I’m going to continue to adjust accordingly and see if it helps with my right shoulder & arm pain.
• 🍁 I gotta remember to look out for anything that’s causing me pain in my right shoulder and arm, and adjust accordingly right away. Also gotta remember to do my “Cervical retraction (while sitting or standing) stretch”
• 🍁 I’ll get there! 😃
• Thursday (08/19/21):
• I did not sleep well last night. 🥱 I woke up early this morning and then my neighbor was being noisy again. I suddenly realized that I have not been tapping for a few weeks now so did some tapping. I’m going to start tapping every day again now. I think it was helpful to help calm my nerves.
• Friday (08/20/21):
• 🌺 Throat (5th) Chakra ~ Communication
• 🌺 I communicate openly and honestly to express my thoughts and feelings clearly.
• 🌺 I share my inner knowledge freely with integrity and without fear.
• Saturday (08/21/21):
• I’m going to start placing my focus on how I’m feeling.
• Are you hungry? Ok, let’s eat something healthy and delicious.
• Are you full? Ok, let’s stop eating now.
• Are you tired? Ok, let’s rest for a while.
• Are you feeling antsy? Ok, let’s move around a bit.
• Are you feeling sad? Why? What are you feeling sad about?
• Are you feeling angry? Why? What are you feeling angry about?
• Are you in pain? Where are you feeling the pain? Can you remember when it started? Can you remember what caused it? Can you associate it with an emotional event?