🌺 Journal

December 17th, 2021 (Friday) at 11:56am

I called and asked my soon-to-be ex-husband to tell me if there’s any other withdrawals he has made so that I don’t end up in shock with more surprises later on. He paused for a second and then told me that he withdrew all the money from our other joint checking accounts with another bank. I logged on and saw that he had been doing it bit by bit since the beginning of November. I really have been kept in the dark for a very long time. I’m just in shock….

December 17th, 2021 (Friday) at 10:24am

I was paying my husband’s 4th quarter estimated taxes for both the IRS and the state and wanted to make sure that there’s enough money in our bank account. I logged on and saw that there were two lump sums of money transferred out of our bank accounts. I proceeded to call our bank to report fraudulent withdrawals made from our bank account but then hung up and decided to call my husband first and make sure that he doesn’t have anything to do with it.

I told him that I don’t want to accuse him of anything, so want to ask him first. He said right away that it’s him. He made a huge withdrawal even before he told me that he wanted a divorce on December 4th, and another huge withdrawal days after.

I asked him if he ever planned on letting me know about this? He didn’t answer that. I guess he figured that I’ll find out sooner or later when I eventually log onto our account online.

He also told me that he had already called his parents before December 4th to tell them that he’s getting divorced and told them not to bother contacting him again. He hadn’t been in contact with them for years and I tried to repair our relationship with his parents a few years ago. His family have been texting me and then I’ll text them back on our behalf, and then forward our messages to my husband. I told him that I was planning on continuing to do that even after our divorce just so that his family will have a peace of mind, but he said that it’s no longer necessary.

I am honestly in shock. I am an open book, too honest of a person. I tell him everything that’s on my mind. I wasn’t expecting that he had already done all these things without telling me before, during, or even after the fact. I feel sick…

December 16th, 2021 (Thursday) at 7:06pm

My husband needed the car for the entire day so I stayed at home, journaled, did my stretches, and cleaned up the townhouse. He just got home now and I still as usual, took his stuff for him. I wipe his phone with alcohol every day when he comes home, clear his phone’s browsing history and put his phone into airplane mode. I also put my phone into airplane mode at night and have been very careful with leaving our wifi or bluetooth on ever since all of our devices and accounts got hacked a few years ago.

I normally just clear his browsing history but for some unknown reason, I decided today to look at his browsing history. I don’t know if it’s the Universe that wanted me to do this or what, but guess what I found? Him doing a whole bunch of Google searches on “promise ring princess-cut diamond”. Besides suspecting that he had been drinking (which he denied completely until I actually saw the beer cans in his backpack), I also have been suspecting that he is seeing someone else.

I told him just now that I know that we are getting a divorce, but I also deserve to know the truth. I told him that I don’t normally check his browsing history and just clear it, but for some reason, I looked at it today and saw that he was searching for “promise ring princess-cut diamond”. I asked him if he was seeing someone. He said “No”. I asked him why then would he be searching for this. He said that it’s for work, that they’re doing some kind of project, which I really find it hard to believe. To be THAT specific in typing “promise ring” under the search terms just did not make any sense whatsoever. I asked him when has he started seeing this person and he said that he’s not seeing anyone. So I said to him, “Ok, let me ask it this way. Are you seeing or have you been seeing anyone in the past two years?”, and he still said ‘No”.

Knowing the kind of gaslighting narcissist that he is, I really can not believe anything that he says. He has lied to me in the past regarding his drinking, with red shot eyes and alcohol breath coming out of his mouth.

I just chose to walk away. This just helps me to feel even better now knowing that we’re getting divorced.

I’m really starting to wonder now. He had not been home for even longer periods of time every day and yet he hardly brought home any income from his independent contracting jobs for the past few months. I wonder if he has opened a new bank account and just directed his clients to transfer most of the money into that secret bank account instead?

———————————————————————————————-

December 16th, 2021 (Thursday) at 12:04pm

My ex called me a few days ago and I told him about my husband’s car being totaled, that he had started drinking again since a year ago, and that he has asked for a divorce. I told my ex about my timeline; that I plan on focusing on taking care of my physical and emotional health while I still have health insurance under my husband, and then I plan on moving back to California sometime next year before the snow falls.

I asked my ex to start thinking of something for me to do there, like maybe joining him with his online business. My ex suggested that we open a health clinic together and I start treating patients again. My ex has actually been asking me to open an acupuncture clinic with him for quite a while now.

My ex said that it seems like being a healthcare practitioner is what suits me the best, which I think may be true as well. I was doing great as a contact tracer for both North Dakota and Minnesota. However, after my case died I fell into depression right away. I think the main reason is also because I already have PTSD myself, so being in the presence of death was just too much for me. I was afraid that if I continued to be a contact tracer and another case died on me, then I may fall into a permanent state of deep depression, and may even end up having thoughts of ending my own life. I guess I’ll have to thank my supervisor back then for strongly recommending that I get counseling, which I wasn’t prepared to do so at the time, but am finally doing now. 

This got me thinking about my relationship between my ex and my husband. My ex really knows me well. He knows of my strengths and my weaknesses, and what I really appreciate about him is that he’ll always be able to find a way to magnify my strengths. This is in contrast to my husband, whom I also think is aware of my strengths and my weaknesses, but would rather focus on my weaknesses, e.g. being easily fatigued, hard to follow through with what I’m doing, and can not handle stress well, etc.

My ex thinks that I am an innocent, kind-hearted, and trusting person, that often gets taken advantage of. On the other hand, my husband sees that as me being a gullible and weak person.

I am really thankful to my ex for bringing up this idea, as I believe that this may be a new direction that I can take in my life now. Ever since my sister got institutionalized 2 years ago, I’ve been having this constant internal struggle of feeling that I need to go back and live in Taiwan in order to take care of her and my mother, especially once my father passes on. However, I feel so stressed because I do not know how to adapt to the environment in Taiwan that is very crowded and noisy. Even in the US, I struggle constantly to find a quiet and peaceful sanctuary to live in, so how am I supposed to find a quiet place on a tiny island that is 3.9 times smaller than Florida, yet populated with 23.57 million occupants?

My ex’s suggestion has got me thinking that I may be able to live in both Taiwan and California. Before Covid, there were direct flights between Taiwan and California almost daily, and now they’re starting to pick back up again. My ex is also a licensed acupuncturist as well. In fact, he even went on and got his doctoral degree, which from hindsight, I probably should have gotten as well. However, I just thought to myself that I am already a dentist, have a MBA degree, and am a licensed acupuncturist, so do I really want to spend more time and money on getting another degree, or shouldn’t I just focus on doing something more productive instead, like earning a consistent income?

I have kept my California acupuncture license current all these years, and it’s just a matter of paperwork and paying the application fees to get my Minnesota acupuncture license as well. I needed to get the national (NCCAOM) certification in order to apply for my Minnesota license, which I obtained towards the end of 2019. 

In fact, I was planning on getting my Minnesota acupuncture license, and then starting to treat patients in retirement homes just before Covid struck in the beginning of 2020. My acupuncture technique is gentle and relaxing, especially because I am very sensitive myself, so I know how uncomfortable it feels with strong needling. Some acupuncturists believe in the “No Pain, No Gain” theory, so they needle the patients strongly. However, I believe that pain can cause your body to secrete stress hormones, which in turn, impedes your body’s natural healing process. I feel that it is much better to let your body be in a relaxed state so that it can function optimally in order for you to heal.

Our acupuncture school has three tracks: English, Chinese, and Korean. I specifically took the English track, so that I would know better how to communicate with English-speaking patients about Oriental medicine, acupuncture, Chinese herbs, and stress management, etc. I also read through the Chinese Oriental medicine books myself, so that I get the best of both worlds and can communicate well with both English-speaking, and Mandarin-speaking patients.

When I was working as an acupuncturist in Ventura County, I was able to attract many patients that loved me. Since I was just starting off, I decided to only take private patients, and was charging $120 for each one-hour session, or $100 for each one-hour session if they purchased a 10-session treatment package. I was doing well, given that I had just started not long ago, but then my husband got his third DUI.

Being a co-dependent, and being brought up believing that my marriage should be the most important thing in my life, I took upon the complete responsibility of driving my husband to work, driving back home, picking him up from work and then driving us back home again, which can take up to 4 hours a day, depending on the traffic. He did rent a room closer to his workplace for a while, but then after he got out of jail, we just decided that it’s easier for him to stay at home and I drive him every day, everywhere. This includes his mandatory DUI classes, and taking him to see the doctor for his health issues and his pituitary microadenoma, etc.

It took a complete tow on my health. I had stomach pains every day, was unable to sleep, and was constantly in pain. I stopped treating patients, and just went on a downward spiral, and still have not been able to recover fully up to this day. To be fair, it’s not entirely my husband’s fault regarding my work situation. My husband has not ever put pressure on me to earn an income, except when his company went under in 2019, where he was constantly telling me to go and get a job. I don’t blame him though, as he was very stressed out about our future. I did try different things, such as building an online business, and doing some stock trading, etc. However, I’ve come to realize that I do not cope with stress well. The stock swing trading also took a complete toll on my health as well. To be fair, if my husband didn’t work so hard to make sure we didn’t have to worry about getting bills paid, then I would have had to be more consistent in earning an income as well.

I spoke with Mom this morning and told her about my conversation with my ex. I told Mom that this may be the best of both worlds since I’ll still be able to spend a lot of time each year with her and my sister, and also live in California as well. My ex can cover my patients when I’m back in Taiwan, or even better, we can just employ an acupuncturist to come and work for us, if our business starts to pick up. I am well aware that most startup businesses fail within the first 5 years, but I think that it’s still worth a try, right? My ex has very good business sense, so I do believe that he will be able to set up a successful clinic for us. One of his colleagues is also doing well with treating acupuncture patients and he charges $60/session for cash-based patients, or gets reimbursed $40/session for insurance-based patients, which I think is pretty doable as well.

I told Mom that my husband may also be more happy without me. Before we got together, he had two boats, special-ordered ski’s from Europe, drove around in his fancy BMW, and enjoyed fine dining all the time. After being with me, he could no longer fish (since I am against killing life) or eat lobsters (unless they’re not boiled alive), and I’m always looking to save us money for a brighter future. My husband enjoys living the luxuries of life whereas I tend to focus on building financial security for our future. I told mom that I should also try and find a sense of balance in my life and try to enjoy life as well, within my means, of course. Mom also said that my husband may be happier if he can find a woman who can accept his drinking, and perhaps, even drink some with him as well. I told Mom, I guess so, as long as they do not drink and drive. If that’s the case, then I hope that they will have enough common sense to call a taxi after drinking.

My mom also thought that me going back to practice acupuncture seems like a good idea, which made me feel so happy! I’m most in my element when I’m treating patients. It comes easily and naturally to me, unlike with internet marketing, that I have been trying to do for quite a while now, which bores the heck out of me. I have taught as a professor at an acupuncture school previously, and also taught undergraduate students a health-related course as well. There is so much potential and hidden strengths within me that I need to bring back up to the surface again.

I definitely have to go through my oriental medicine notes, if I want to start treating patients again. I think the best route for me now is to still first and foremost focus on healing my physical and emotional issues, continue to learn about internet marketing so that I can earn a passive income, and to start reviewing my oriental medicine and acupuncture notes. Without Health, there can be no Wealth. Look at Steve Jobs, may he rest in peace. All the money in the world can not bring you health, unless you are willing to work on improving your health yourself as well.

I do find a new sense of hope now! However, my biggest focus right now, is to ensure that I go through with my lipoma surgery for next Wednesday, and take great care afterwards to make sure that are no complications. I pray that this will be so!

Just like what the last scene in this music video above says, that “Someday, someone is going to thank you for letting me go…” I thank you too for setting me free. I will find my true love, someone that I’m compatible with. I sincerely wish that you will too.

Starts with Goodbye

~ Carrie Underwood

I was sitting on my doorstep
I hung up the phone and it fell out of my hand
But I knew I had to do it
And he wouldn’t understand

So hard to see myself without him
I felt a piece of my heart break
But when you’re standing at a crossroad
There’s a choice you gotta make

I guess it’s gonna have to hurt
I guess I’m gonna have to cry
And let go of some things I’ve loved
To get to the other side

I guess it’s gonna break me down
Like fallin’ when you try to fly
Sad but sometimes
Moving on with the rest of your life
Starts with goodbye

I know there’s a blue horizon
Somewhere up ahead, just waiting for me
Getting there means leaving things behind
Sometimes life’s so bitter sweet

I guess it’s gonna have to hurt
I guess I’m gonna have to cry
And let go of some things I’ve loved
To get to the other side

I guess it’s gonna break me down
Like fallin’ when you try to fly
It’s sad but sometimes
Moving on with the rest of your life
Starts with goodbye

Time heals the wounds that you feel
Somehow, right now

I guess it’s gonna have to hurt
I guess I’m gonna have to cry
And let go of some things I’ve loved
To get to the other side

I guess it’s gonna break me down
Like fallin’ when you try to fly
It’s sad but sometimes
Moving on with the rest of your life
Starts with goodbye

I guess I’m gonna have to cry
And let go of some things I’ve loved
To get to the other side

Start to wave goodbye
Like fallin’ when you try to fly
It’s sad but sometimes
Moving on with the rest of your life
Starts with goodbye

Na na na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na, yeah

It has finally happened. My husband has asked me for a divorce.

I have been wanting to ask for a divorce for a long time now, but have been scared of doing so. A major reason being that I am scared that my family (especially my father) will turn against me. I am also scared of being judged by society as being a “divorced” woman. I don’t know what life will be like being all alone by myself after being married for so long, and I don’t feel financially secure to be on my own.

We have basically been living separate lives for a long time now. The Covid pandemic magnified how truly incompatible we are with each other, since we no longer went out to eat on the weekends or go anywhere that’s non-essential.

I see him for about a minute a day when he comes home from work to greet him, and then leave and go run errands on my own. He irons in the living room for about 20 minutes on Sundays while I sit in front of my desk in the dining room. Sometimes, I’m also gone running errands while he’s ironing. So, we see each other for about a minute a day, that’s 7 minutes a week, and 30 minutes a month. We are more distant than roommates are with each other.

How did we get to this place? I think it was around March of this year that I finally decided to do an experiment. I wanted to see what would happen if I stopped being the one taking the initiative to try and find conversations with him? Even when I had been doing so, he wasn’t appreciate of it and I struggled to even be able to speak to him for 5 minutes. So, I finally decided to find out about the truth with our marriage. If I stopped putting in all the effort to connect, will he be willing to put in some effort himself, or will it just be the end for us? I’ve been doing this for over 13 years now. I feel totally unappreciated and exhausted emotionally. I can’t continue to do this for another 40 or 50 years. I need to know that I’m not the only person who is putting in all the work to keep this marriage from falling apart completely.

I’m glad I did that experiment because I found out that he was not willing to do any work that is required to make this marriage work. It was as if the 13.5 years of me trying for us to find conversations to talk about and to connect was for nothing. In fact, I wonder now if he felt annoyed of all the time wasted talking to me for the past 13.5 years.

Yesterday was a complete “Tower” moment for the both of us. He knocked on my bedroom door at around 4am and woke me up. I was still half-sleep and unsure of what was going on. He said that he wanted to show me a photo. He showed me a photo on his phone of his car, all beaten up, in the ditch.

He was driving in between his workplaces and got hit from behind. He was on the slow lane on I-494, then a sedan drove at a high speed and hit him hard from behind. His car swerved all the way to the median divider between I-494-N and I-494-S, and then swerved all the way back to the slow lane, and then went down the ditch.

I was in shock and wasn’t sure what to make of it. But, at least I can see him standing right in front of me with all his limbs moving, seemingly normal, and talking in a normal manner, so I didn’t freak out too much.

He then said that he’s going to take a shower and go back to work. I told him to just take a shower and then lie down and get some rest but he said that he’s feeling too tense right now to sleep, so he just wants to go back to work. I realized that once again, he just numbs himself emotionally; not ever allowing himself to heal from a traumatic encounter, and just wants to shove all those unresolved emotions into a dark hole and plunge himself back to his work. I told him that this is not how to live life!

His car got totaled and towed away. So we only have my car left now. While he’s taking his shower, I went downstairs to make sure that he has my car key fob, since he’ll have to drive my car to work. His backpack is like a junk yard. I dread trying to find something in there as he doesn’t even bother to cover up sharp objects inside his backpack (like a pencil sticking upwards) and I’ve injured myself on occasion trying to find something from his backpack. But, I wanted to make sure that my spare key fob is in his backpack so I opened it, and to my horror, I saw a can of empty beer and three cans of unopened ones.

I had been suspecting that he has started drinking again but whenever I ask him, he gets upset at me and tells me that he has not. So, I can’t do anything about it unless I have proof that he’s drinking again.

The officer that handled his car accident kindly took him home and I now realize that the reason he wanted to go back to work right away is to consume his alcohol. After he finished showering, I told him that we have to talk. I guess he figured that since he already got caught red handed, he might as well just drink as much as he wants to now. So he said to me that he wants a divorce. He said that he has been thinking about it for a long time now. He had been checking online about getting a divorce and had wanted to print out the divorce application papers a few times, but stopped because work got in the way, or something else did. He said that the past year has been really bad between us and he doesn’t want this anymore.

They say that when you see life flashing before your eyes, you finally realize what is most important to you. I guess when his car went down the ditch, and he thought that he was going to die, he realized that the most important thing to him is to be freed from this unhappy marriage.

To his credit, I actually respect him for this, as we both do not want to be the “bad” person, the one asking for the divorce. I don’t know whether he finally did it because he could no longer take it anymore, or if he did it so that I can finally be set free, but regardless, I am thankful to him for doing this.

My parents, especially my dad, will not allow me to ask for a divorce, and if I force it, then I’m afraid my dad my judge me until the day he passes away. I think my mom will finally accept it, but she will also judge me nonetheless. My husband asking for it will spare me from being judged too harshly by my family, and by society. I will still be judged for not being the “good” wife, not being able to make him happy, to keep a marriage. But, at least, I won’t be judged as being a cold, heartless woman who decided to leave her husband.

He is a fair man. He has always been generous financial-wise towards me in our marriage, so I know that we’ll be able to work out the details regarding that. Knock on wood…

I asked him more details regarding his drinking. He said that he has started drinking again since a year ago. I only let him use credit cards and show me itemized receipts to see exactly what he has bought. But over the years, he still managed to find some cash here and there to buy alcohol. I asked him how did he do it this time? and for a year??? How the Universe likes to play cruel jokes on us! Turns out that the company he works for as an independent contractor has their fridge constantly stocked up with alcohol. His coworkers drink beers at work and think nothing of it.

This is honestly the first time in my life that I have heard of such a thing. I have never in my wildest dreams imagine that this could happen. I asked him why has he started drinking again? He said that it’s because he’s an alcoholic and the alcohol is freely available for him to consume all the time. Well, at least he’s finally admitting that he’s an alcoholic!

I asked him if he was drinking when he got hit but he said no. I told him people probably drink and drive 100 times before getting caught with a DUI. He’s lucky that he’s only had three, so far. Which means, that he had been drunk driving for at least 300 times in the past. And this was back in California in 2010. I don’t know how many times he has been drunk driving since then. I don’t know what the statistics are of being caught drunk driving either? Maybe it’s getting caught once in 1000 times instead, who knows?

I told him that if he wants a divorce because he wants to be happy, then doesn’t he also want to live a healthy life? He said that he doesn’t know what he wants, he just knows that he doesn’t want “This”, anymore.

I asked him if he has watched “Leaving Las Vegas”? He said that he has, for many times. I told him that he is a “functional” alcoholic, until he no longer is. I asked him if he wanted to end up like the character in “Leaving Las Vegas”? He didn’t say anything.

After his third DUI back in 2010, I completely broke down. I also found out at the time that he was seeing someone else. I wanted to leave him, but then he started to get ill, and we found out that he had a pituitary microadenoma. We were told many years later after doing two more brain MRI scans that he just had a developmental anomaly, that it’s not a tumor. However, back then, he had to go to jail, and his driver’s license was revoked once again. How could I possibly leave him in that state? What kind of person would I be to do so? So I stayed, and I got ill, not just emotionally, but physically as well. It was the final blow to my health that I’m still struggling with. I’m still struggling all these years to try and pick myself up again, and to find back my energy and stamina to lead a productive life.

I told him that if he truly wants to be freed from this marriage, then he has to stop drinking! Otherwise, if he gets his fourth DWI, and his driver’s license gets revoked again, then he will be crawling back to me, begging me to stay with him, so that I can drive him around again, and take care him. And I wouldn’t be able to say no to that because I am not a cold-hearted person. I told him that he needs to stop drinking and especially stop drinking and driving for good, in order for us to be freed from one another!

These are my thoughts so far… Maybe I’m still in some state of shock…

He hasn’t been able to bring in much income from his independent contracting work for a few months now, and now we need to buy him another car. Just another major expense we have to deal with.

However, I just remind myself that I am very thankful that he is alive, and seems to be okay, besides having some minor injuries. I pray that this is so…

Some of the things that has happened in my life are almost impossible for me to be imagine to be true. Did I really go through this for the past 13.5 years? Was I really in a physically abusive relationship for years? Was I really raped by my ex? It almost seems like this only happens in movies! Did all this really happen to me?

I Hope You Dance

Songwriters: Sanders Mark Daniel / Sillers Tia M

 I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger,
May you never take one single breath for granted,
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed,
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you’ll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance… I hope you dance…I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,
Never settle for the path of least resistance,
Livin’ might mean takin’ chances, but they’re worth takin’,
Lovin’ might be a mistake, but it’s worth makin’,
Don’t let some Hell bent heart leave you bitter,
When you come close to sellin’ out reconsider,
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance… I hope you dance.
I hope you dance… I hope you dance.
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,
Tell me who wants to look back on their years
And wonder where those years have gone.)I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you’ll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

Dance… I hope you dance.
I hope you dance… I hope you dance.
I hope you dance… I hope you dance.
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,
Tell me who wants to look back on their years
And wonder where those years have gone.)

Can I also find a man like my mother, who will love me unconditionally, and love me like Jesus does? 💕

You can hurt me, but you can not break me!

Like Jesus Does

~ Eric Church

I’m a long-gone Waylon song on vinyl
I’m a back row sinner at a tent revival
But she believes in me like she believes her Bible
And loves me like Jesus does

I’m a lead foot leaning on a souped-up Chevy
I’m a good old boy, drinking whiskey and rye on the levee
But she carries me when my sins make me heavy
And loves me like Jesus does

All the crazy in my dreams
Both my broken wings
Every single piece of everything I am
Yeah, she knows the man I ain’t
She forgives me when I can’t
The devil, man, no, he don’t stand a chance
‘Cause she loves me like Jesus does

I always thought she’d give up on me one day
Wash her hands of me, leave me staring down some runway
But I thank God each night, and twice on Sunday
That she loves me like Jesus does

All the crazy in my dreams
And both my broken wings
Every single piece of who I am
Yeah, she knows the man I ain’t
She forgives me when I can’t
And the devil, man, no, he don’t have a prayer
‘Cause she loves me like Jesus does

Yes, she knows the man I ain’t
She forgives me when I can’t
That devil, man, he don’t stand a chance
She loves me like Jesus does

I’m a long-gone Waylon song on vinyl

💗 I Only Want to Be with You!

I Only Want to Be With You!

~ Dusty Springfield

I don’t know what it is that makes me love you so
I only know I never want to let you go
‘Cause you started something, oh, can’t you see?
That ever since we met you’ve had a hold on me
It happens to be true, I only want to be with you

It doesn’t matter where you go or what you do
I want to spend each moment of the day with you
Well, look what has happened with just one kiss
I never knew that I could be in love like this
It’s crazy but it’s true, I only want to be with you

You stopped and smiled at me
Asked if I’d care to dance
I fell into your open arms
And I didn’t stand a chance

Now, listen, honey, I just want to be beside you everywhere
As long as we’re together, honey, I don’t care
‘Cause you started something, oh, can’t you see?
That ever since we met you’ve had a hold on me
No matter what you do, I only want to be with you

Oh, you stopped and you smiled at me
Asked if I’d care to dance
I fell into your open arms
I didn’t stand a chance

Now hear me darling, I just want to be beside you everywhere
As long as we’re together, honey, I don’t care
‘Cause you started something, oh, can’t you see?
That ever since we met you’ve had a hold on me
No matter what you do, I only want to be with you

I said, no matter, no matter what you do
I only want to be with you

	Sun	Mon	Tues	Wed	Thurs	Fri	Sat
Gra-titude Exer-cise	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰
White Light Protect-ion	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰
Angel Medi-tation	🥰	🥰	🥰				🥰
Chakra Balanc-ing	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰
Breathe thru Heart 💖	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰
Sere-nity Pray-er	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰
My Medi-tation	🥰				🥰		🥰
Bio-genics					🥰
My Mind Movie					🥰		🥰
My Ideal Part-ner	🥰
Mas-sage	🥰	🥰	🥰		🥰		🥰
Stretch-es	🥰	🥰	🥰		🥰		🥰
TENS Unit	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰
Call Family							🥰
Tarot Read-ing	Ace of Penta-cles	7 of Cups	3 of Penta-cles	4 of Swords (R)	Knight of Penta-cles	7 of Cups (R)	King of Swords
Pro-tein Shake
Supple-ments	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰		🥰
8 glass-es of water	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰
Vege Juice	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰
Watch my pos-ture	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰
Sit pro-perly	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰
NO ☕ after 2pm!	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰
Be aware of my Senses!	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰
I Am well-loved💗 !	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰
Pin-hole Glass-es	🥰	🥰	🥰				🥰
Warm compress	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰
Box Breath-ing	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰
Rest	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰
Stretch	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰
La-cross ball	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰
Pos-ture Pump	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰
Ba-lance Exer-cise		🥰
Walk	🥰	🥰		🥰		🥰	🥰
Epsom salt bath	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰	🥰
Bed-tim Affir-mations
Tap-ping	🥰

• 💐 Divine Source, Angels and My Spirit Guides ~ Please provide me with guidance on drawing the card that will help me make the most out of my day today (general or specific). Thank you! 💐
• 🌺 Theme for the Week:
• 🌷 KNOW WHAT YOU WANT AND DO NOT SETTLE!!!!
• 🌷 Anything that compromises my Health is JUST NOT WORTH IT!!!!
• 🌷 I AM Moving Towards Calmer Waters Each and Every Day!
• 🌷 Avoid people who like to create drama!!!
• 🌺 Affirmations for the Week:
• 🌼 My choice to be happy keeps me in perfect health!
• 🌼 My life is filled with joy, hope, abundance, love and happiness!
• 🌼 I create my happiness by accepting every part of myself with unconditional love!
• Sunday:
• 🏵️ I drew the “Ace of Pentacles” today, which indicates a new beginning in my life.
• Monday:
• 🌹 I started doing Angel meditations last night and this morning to connect with the Divine Source, Archangels, Angels and my spirit guides. I feel more peaceful and protected now, knowing that I AM being surrounded by divine beings.
• 🌹 I drew the “Seven of Cups” this morning which provided guidance to a question that I was thinking about last night. This card could be calling me to focus and to stop spreading myself too thin.
• 🌹 I enrolled in “The Certified Card Reader Online Course” as this is something that I really enjoy doing, and will be able to do once I’m back in Taiwan – whether in person, or online for clients all over the world.
• 🌹 I am especially drawn to one of the spiritual teachers Radleigh Valentine and his “Become a Magical Manifestor” course, which is at a discounted price right now. However, just the card reader online course is going to take me a long time to complete. I’m also going to start a course on creating and selling PLR’s online. I know that I won’t have the time or energy to do Radleigh’s course right now. The only reason I will be buying it now is because it’s at a time-limited discounted price right now.
• 🌹 However, I’ve done it in the past where I’ve purchased a program because it was on sale but never got to complete it. I’ve got until the end of today to decide whether I want to purchase it now or wait until after I’ve completed the card reader online course instead.
• 🌹 My thoughts right now though, are to stop spreading myself too thin, which will end up stressing me out…
• Tuesday (09/28/21):
• 🍀 My neighbor was being very loud again late at night last night. Instead of getting annoyed, I decided to just sleep in the room in the middle. The bed is a bit too soft, so not as comfortable as the one in the master bedroom, where I usually sleep in. However, I was able to sleep through the entire night, which is a great improvement! I am so happy and grateful about that! 😃
• 🍀 I did end up purchasing the “Become a Magical Manifestor” course. I checked just now and saw that they are still selling it at the discounted price. I guess it’s an evergreen course. I’m happy though with my purchase. I listened to his webinar and meditation last night as I fell asleep, which may be why I was able to sleep so soundly last night.
• 🍀 I drew the “Three of Pentacles” as the card of my day. It’s all about learning. I’m glad that I’m learning a lot each and every day! 😛
• Wednesday:
• 💐 I drew the “Four of Swords” reversed as my card of today, which is applicable in my case as I hardly slept at all last night. Was thinking of some stuff and feeling restlessness. I decided to just wake up early this morning and will try to catch up with a nap later on.
• 💐 Will be seeing a new therapist this afternoon for my EMDR initial consult, hope it goes well and hope that I can start the actual EMDR sessions to treat my past trauma soon, fingers crossed!
• Thursday (09/30/21):
• 🌸 I slept much better last night, woohoo! 😛
• 🌸 I had my first EMDR appointment with a new therapist yesterday. We managed to work out a time that suits both of us. She gave me some assignments to do in the meantime, e.g. how to ground myself when I’m dissociating. Looking forward to a new happy life! 😃
• 🌸 I found a course on how to create your own Tarot Reading YouTube channel. I’m thinking of going through that course later on, once I’m more familiar with all of the tarot cards.
• Friday:
• 🌻 Happy October! Happy Friday! 😃
• Saturday:
• 🌷 6th Chakra – Third Eye Chakra – Inner Knowing
• 🌷 I trust my inner knowing and I am at peace with myself.
• 🌷 I create more moments of stillness and silence and I listen for the truth.
• 🌷 I practice meditation, prayer and contemplation
• 🌹 Final thoughts for the week:
• 🌼 KNOW WHAT YOU WANT AND DO NOT SETTLE!!!

I believe it was destined for this player to come into my life. I must have made a soul contract with him in our past lives for him to come into my life and put me through the “Dark Night of the Soul” for a very, very long time. There was no escaping fate…

At that point, I had already been seeing my health care practitioner every week for months. One day, she told me that she’s moving with her boyfriend to Las Vegas, and that she’ll actually get paid more over there. This player, who just recently acquired his Minnesota license, was her replacement.

When we first arrived in Minnesota, we rented a single-family townhome in Maple Grove, and the company that my husband used to work for was also based in Maple Grove. So, we basically consider Maple Grove to be our home in Minnesota. Almost all of my activities, and all of the doctors I see are in Maple Grove. I only found out much later on that there’s actually a clinic branch that’s closer to my current townhome now.

He was inexperienced and had actually given me some pretty bad (especially neck) adjustments to the point where I dissociated, due to pain.   He got better as time went on, thank goodness, and I continued to see him weekly for adjustments, but then Covid struck. I mentioned to him that I’m worried about Covid and asked what he thought about people wearing masks? He didn’t seem much concerned about it, so I made the decision to stop going for weekly treatments and to only go if it’s absolutely necessary. I also contacted the regional sales director to let her know about my concerns regarding Covid, and asked whether the healthcare practitioners would consider wearing a mask when treating patients, especially since I still plan on going for adjustments on an as needed basis?

About six weeks later, I woke up one morning with extreme pain on my right rib. I went in to see him right away for an adjustment, and felt better afterwards. Thank goodness he was wearing a mask! I also felt that it was probably in my best interest to start having weekly adjustments again. Thus, fate brought us back together again.

Then came the issues with my husband’s third-shift job, and we decided to move back to California right after the Labor Day weekend. However, I guess Divine Source felt that I still haven’t learned the lessons that I’m supposed to learn (i.e. to love myself, to stand up for myself, and to take care of my own health and my own needs), so it was by miracle that at the very last moment, a high paying client approached my husband for business and we decided to continue to stay in Minnesota.

At this point, this player had already been messing with my mind with his seduction techniques, leading me on, making me dissociate, showing extreme interest in me, exhibiting jealousy behaviors, hurting me, treating me, and the sadistic cycle just went on and on, until I finally forced the truth out of him last Thursday (September 16, 2021), and found out that he had started to date someone else since the Spring / Summer of this year.

I guess he realized from his early bad adjustments causing me pain, that pain or too forceful of adjustments will cause me to dissociate, thus he knew exactly how to make me dissociate. I have been having chiropractic adjustments for a very long time and have experienced adjustments by many many chiropractors in my life. Never once have any of them caused me to dissociate, even when they performed a poor adjustment and caused me pain. That’s also why I wonder if it was fate that sent this Devil into my life?

And then recently, I started dissociating when my PT pressed too hard when doing myofascial release treatments on me. I wonder if all of the dissociation that manho had been causing me since last year has made my body weak now? I dissociated for a few years (especially when becoming intimate) after my ex raped me. However, it stopped completely afterwards. I have not dissociated (maybe occasional daydreaming sometimes, but definitely not to such a serious degree to where my mind ends up leaving my body for a while) for at least 14 years now. That is why I even forgot that I was diagnosed with untreated PTSD after my concussion back in January 2019 and only remembered it after I started to dissociate when getting treated by manho. I need to be very careful of my state of mind and my health now, and make sure that I don’t dissociate again with anyone, or at any place.

Same scenario with my PT. After manho ordered me to go and see a doctor for the numbness & tingling down my right arm, I made an appointment to see an orthopedic surgeon. I also made an appointment to see my previous PT. Turns out that she was on maternity leave, so I ended up seeing my current PT in the meantime. Then my current PT informed me not long thereafter that my previous PT has applied to be transferred to a different clinic location, so he became my permanent PT instead. My current PT is good though, and I like his treatment style & personality.

But it’s almost like the same scenario all over again with manho replacing my previous chiropractor who left for Las Vegas. And then I started dissociating at times when my PT pressed too forcefully with his myofascial release treatments. And they’re both of the exact same age and similar educational background as well! It’s almost as if the Universe is testing me again to make sure that I have truly learned my lesson?

Difference though, is that my current PT is very honest and straight forward with me. He has his wedding ring on, and told me on our first appointment that he’s married, and has a kid and a dog. He also asked me if I had any kids or pets, and I said “No” to both. He didn’t ask me if I was married, but I decided to tell him later on that I am married, because I want to have an honest friendship with him. I enjoy seeing him for my treatments and we’re also able to have good conversations, just like friends. I also told him just recently about my untreated PTSD with dissociation, especially when I’m in pain, and we both make sure that he doesn’t press too hard with his myofascial release treatments so that I don’t end up dissociating again.

Every cloud has a silver lining. I believe that Divine Source sent this Devil (manho) into my life to force me to re-examine my beliefs, and to learn to love myself. I don’t think I have ever been played this badly, and for such a long time in my life! I am slowly, but painfully, learning my lessons now.

This player also has a lot of lessons that he needs to learn in his own life; that his reckless and hurtful actions will have consequences, and whatever harm he has done to others, will come back to him in threefold.

I dedicate this song to this player and his newfound love, and to all of the relationships that he will ever have in his life.

Manho, I dedicate this song to you with all of my heart. It is called “I Hope”, by Gabby Barrett. I Hope you get what you deserve in life!

I Hope

~ Gabby Barrett

I, I hope she makes you smile
The way it made me smile
On the other end of a phone
In the middle of a highway driving alone

Oh baby I
I hope you hear a song
That makes you sing along and gets you thinking ’bout her
Then the last several miles turns into a blur, yeah

I hope you both feel the sparks by the end of the drive
I hope you know she’s the one by the end of the night
I hope you never ever felt more free
Tell your friends that you’re so happy
I hope she comes along and wrecks every one of your plans
I hope you spend your last dime to put a rock on her hand
I hope she’s wilder than your wildest dreams
She’s everything you’re ever gonna need
And then I hope she cheats
Like you did on me
And then I hope she cheats
Like you did on me

Yeah babe, I hope she
Shows up in a 2AM pic from her friend
Hanging on to a guy, and you just ain’t him
I hope you stay up all night all alone waiting by the phone
And then she calls
And baby I
I hope you work it out
Forgive and just about forget
And take her on a first date again
And when you lean in for a kiss

I hope you both feel the sparks by the end of the drive
I hope you know she’s the one by the end of the night
I hope you never ever felt more free
Tell your friends that you’re so happy
I hope she comes along and wrecks every one of your plans
I hope you spend your last dime to put a rock on her hand
I hope she’s wilder than your wildest dreams
She’s everything you’re ever gonna need
And then I hope she cheats
Like you did on me
And then I hope she cheats
Like you did on me

I hope it goes, comes all the way around
I hope she makes you feel the same way
About her that I feel about you right now

I hope you both feel the sparks by the end of the drive
I hope you know she’s the one by the end of the night
I hope you never ever felt more free
Tell your friends that you’re so happy
I hope she comes along and wrecks every one of your plans
I hope you spend your last dime to put a rock on her hand
I hope she’s wilder than your wildest dreams
She’s everything you’re ever gonna need
And then I hope she cheats
Like you did on me
And then I hope she cheats
Like you did on me
Like you did on me

I went to the Ma’ema’e Elementary School in Honolulu, Hawaii after Dad got transferred from Calexico, California, to Honolulu, Hawaii when I was 6 years old. Dad was made an honorary citizen of Calexico (and given an honorary key) before we departed for Hawaii. I have some very sweet memories of living in both Calexico and Honolulu.

This was during the era where people will just take your word for it and will not ask for proof of identification. Therefore, my Dear mother decided to send me off to school earlier than I was supposed to. She did it so that I can start learning from an earlier age, but I told mom that this has actually affected the behavior aspects of my life. I’m always the youngest in the class (and at home), and I’m always the most immature one in the class, because… I’m not supposed to be in the class yet! 😒 I’m an Aries, I was born a leader. But because of this, I end up becoming a follower in life…

My English name was actually “Mary”, and when mom decided to send me off to school earlier in Calexico, she changed my name to “Helen”, and reported my age older than my actual age. I actually think I prefer the name “Mary”, as “Helen” often gets mispronounced & misspelled as “Hellen”, “Ellen”, or “Halen”, etc. There was a phase when I got so annoyed about it, that when I went and ordered for food pickup, I’ll just give them a name that’s easy to pronounce and spell, such as “Susan”. I just had to remember that when they called “Susan”, that they’re actually calling me. If I had a choice though, I think I would prefer to be called “Cindy”, like the supermodel, “Cindy Crawford”. I just think that “Cindy” is a sweet name, and kind of suits my personality.

When we arrived in South Africa, it was early in the morning. My Dear father took my sister and I straight to our high school! 🙄 Since we started in the middle of the school year, I could be bumped up a year, or bumped down a year. They gave my sister and I some tests, e.g. Math test, to see where to place us. Guess what they chose for me? They bumped me up a year. Taiwan is about 2 years ahead of the US and other Western countries in terms of the Mathematics curriculum, and I remember the teacher was telling the entire class how good my Math is. So once again, I’m even more younger now than my classmates…

So, this is why I ended up starting dental school at the young age of 17, when my EQ was no where near the level of my IQ…

Ma’ema’e School Song

When the sun shines in the valley, O’er our school so cool and green,

underneath the shady monkeypod, happy children work and play.

In our hearts there’ll always be,

thoughts of dear old Ma’ema’e.

Picturesque you’ll always be,

a school so very dear to me.

Picturesque you’ll always be,

a school so very dear so me.

Loyal to our banner gay, green and yellow proudly wave.

Always forward, never backward, lead us each and every day.

In our hearts there’ll always be,

thoughts of dear old Ma’ema’e.

Picturesque you’ll always be,

a school so very dear to me.

Picturesque you’ll always be,

a school so very dear so me.

• Theme for the Week:
• 🌺 I AM Becoming Healthier and Happier Each and Every Day! 😃
• Affirmations for the Week:
• 🌺 I accept that Happiness is my true nature!
• 🌺 I create the life that I desire with my good feelings!
• 🌺 Everything is always working out well for me!
• Sunday (09/05/21):
• 🍰 Today is my Dearest Daddy’s Birthday!
• 🍰 I called my parents to wish him Happy Birthday! He received our birthday card a few days ago and was very happy to hear my voice! 😃
• 🍰 I also spoke with mom regarding my sister. It helps both my mom and myself when we talk about my sister; to resolve the torment and conflict within ourselves.
• 🍰 Happy Birthday My Dearest Daddy! I Love You So Much! 🥰
• Monday (09/06/21):
• 🍁 Sorting out more issues in South Africa now…
• 🍁 I’m glad that I’ve developed a mindset of accepting that there is a possibility of issues arising from Dad’s stuff in South Africa on a consistent basis.
• 🍁 So now, I’m able to just treat it as an “issue” that needs to be taken care of, instead of the “Oh My Gosh! The Sky is Falling again!” mentality.
• 🍁 I’m glad I stopped working the bilingual customer service job because that required me to stay up late, and then I don’t sleep well, and/or wake up late.
• 🍁 Now, I’m slowly getting my sleep back on track, and am able to feel more alert when I wake up in the morning.
• 🍁 South Africa is 7 hours ahead of Minnesota, so I’m able to still get some email correspondences done in real time when I’m up in the morning and in front of my computer.
• 🍑 I don’t know when I’ll be able to take the full recommended dosages for the supplements that Dr. P has prescribed for me. I’m supposed to be taking up to 5000mg of Vitamin C, and up to 5000mg of fish oil per day. Are you kidding me???
• 🍑 It’s been over 2 weeks since I last saw him, and I’m still stuck on taking 1000mg of each per day.
• 🍑 I’m also supposed to be drinking 2 tablespoons of olive oil per day. Good thing that I’ve now substituted salad dressing with organic extra virgin olive oil, apple cider vinegar and lime/lemon juice instead.
• Tuesday (09/07/21):
• 😝 My hubby is really funny! I place all of his online orders for him ~ personal and work-related, on Amazon. Whenever he wants to buy something for himself, sometimes, just to save me from asking why he wants to buy it, he’ll just ask me in his email to charge it to his company’s account (for tax deduction purposes).
• 😝 I think he knows very well that I always take the “rather safe than sorry” approach, so will just order it for him, but not include it as business-related expenses.
• 😝 My personality is such that I don’t guesstimate. I’ll calculate his daily mileages exactly to the T, which is so time consuming and boring. That’s actually one the biggest pains in my life ~ to calculate his daily mileages. I need to figure out what can be included as his business-related mileages, and what can not. Why can’t he just stay put? 🤔
• 😝 It’s just really funny of the things that he wants me to order for him, and “to charge to his company’s account”, knowing very well that I will not! 🤪
• Wednesday (09/08/21):
• 🔮 I had my first Tarot Masterclass yesterday afternoon. 😃
• 🔮 The Tarot is one of the most powerful life coaching tools.
• 🔮 Going through the video replay again now. I’m excited to learn how to do my own Tarot readings soon, and hopefully, can do reading for clients as well.
• 🔮 I also just joined Richard Knight’s “7 Week Psychic Development Masterclass” that’s starting next Thursday now. I’m already pretty intuitive and psychic, but I want to make them even stronger now! 😃
• 💐 I had a DBT individual session yesterday afternoon and we spoke about my sister. I felt so tired afterwards. It’s helpful though…
• Thursday (09/09/21):
• 🎂 Today is my Dearest Mommy’s Birthday! 😃 Gonna call her a bit later on to see how everyone’s doing, and to wish her Happy Birthday! 💐
• 🎂 Happy Birthday My Dearest Mommy! I Love You So So Much!!! 🥰
• 🧘‍♀️ I told my PT quite a while back that I’m wearing a posture corrector to help keep a good posture and asked him if that was a good idea?
• 🧘‍♀️He said in the short term. However, he doesn’t recommend it in the long run; as people tend to use it as a crutch, and the body stops maintaining good posture on its own without it after a while.
• 🧘‍♀️ I wear it every morning for at least an hour when I’m in front of my computer. However, I just noticed now that even with my posture corrector on, I’m still slouching slightly! 😲
• 🧘‍♀️ I guess my body has gotten so used to it now, and is just treating it as a decoration, instead of a reminder to maintain a good posture.
• 🧘‍♀️ I’m going to pay extra attention now to my posture for at least the next week, and not rely on my posture corrector to do so. I want to particularly be aware of what kind of bad posture my body has gotten used to.
• ⚜️ My ears should line up over my shoulder, which lines up over the hip. When I stand, those points should align over the ankle.
• ⚜️ Proper Posture
• 🌷 I called mom just now to wish her Happy Birthday and we were talking about my sister again. She’s writing a letter to my sister’s psychiatrist and was reading the letter to me over the phone.
• 🌷 I gave my mom some suggestions and she agreed with what I thought.
• 🌷 I kind of lost my patience with my mom for a while, and I feel bad about it, especially since it’s her birthday today. 😥 However, my mom is the complete opposite to my husband when it comes to answering questions.
• 🌷 My husband will give a one sentence answer with no explanation whatsoever. My mom, on the other hand, will start explaining a whole lot, and at the end, I’m still confused as to what the answer is? 😕
• 🌷 I got so frustrated eventually because I kept on asking my mom some simple Yes/No questions, but she just kept on giving a whole lot of explanations without giving me a final Yes or No answer.
• 🌷 A simple example, would be like for instance:
• Me: Mom, have you eaten breakfast yet?
• Mom: I didn’t sleep well last night. I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t fall back asleep again for hours. I was awake thinking about your sister all that time. Your father got up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, and he was able to fall back asleep right afterwards, blah, blah, blah…..
• Me, thinking in my head: So mom, did you eat your breakfast yet, or not?????
• And lately, I’ve noticed, she does that almost every time I ask her a question. It’s kind of driving my crazy….
• 🌷 I apologized to my mom for losing my patience but I asked her in the future to please first answer Yes, or No, to my question, and then give her lengthy explanation afterwards.
• Friday (09/10/21):
• 🌸 Fifth (Throat) Chakra ~ Creative Expression
• 🌸 I am committed to sharing and revealing my thoughts and feelings by being creative in my communication style and using expressive language.
• 🌸 I express myself through talking, singing, sighing, laughing and crying and through my creative talents.
• 🌸 I consciously use my senses to experience my world more fully.
• 🌸 I see, hear, smell and feel more, and I become more aware of my surroundings, such as the weather, aromas, people, nature, sounds and sights.
• Saturday (09/11/21):
• 🕊️ I spoke with Mom just now. She wrote another letter to my sister’s psychiatrist, and wanted to know what I think. I told Mom that she wrote it very well, as it came from her heart. But I did remind my mom not to write any more letters, because these doctors are really busy, having to see hundreds of patients a day in the institution.
• 🕊️ I got annoyed with Mom once again. We were ending the call on a very nice note. However, mom had to bring up my husband again. My parents have this very traditional, incorrect point of view towards marriage ~ that the woman has to do all the work, especially when it comes to maintaining the connection within the marriage. I told my mom once again, that relationships are a two-way street. Both people have to want to make it work, in order for it to work.
• 🕊️I have found throughout the years that relationships, unfortunately, is the one thing that you have to rely on the other person, in order to make it work. You can study hard, get good grades, and have an excellent career. However, even if you work very hard on your relationship, it still doesn’t always guarantee the results you want. Both people must want to make it work, in order for it to work.
• 🕊️ I asked Mom to please take care of herself, take care of my sister, and take care of Dad, and let me handle my relationship problems on my own. As no one else will be able help me with my relationship problems, except for my husband and myself. Sometimes, too many opinions from outsiders that know nothing about what happens behind closed doors, will end up causing even more damage to the relationship.
• 🕊️ I did try to be patient with mom this time. However, I’m still feeling slightly annoyed as it’s triggering a lot of unresolved issues between my husband and myself.
• 🕊️ I tell myself that she’s doing this out of love. It may not be the correct way to do it, and it may not be in her place to be interfering in my marriage, but her intentions are sincere, and that’s enough for me to let it go…
• 🕊️ Today is the 20th anniversary of 9/11. I pray that all the innocent souls whose lives were taken away, and the lives that were affected even up to this day, to be able to find some peace, forgiveness, and resolution to this tragic day…

I love singing! ❤️ Mom says that I have the voice of an angel 👼, which is something that I inherited from her, who used to be in the choir. I used to play the piano 🎹. I also used to play the acoustic guitar 🎸 and sing along. My parents bought me a fancy piano & a fancy acoustic guitar back in high school, and mom took me to my piano and guitar lessons every week.

I’ve been thinking lately of starting to play the guitar again. The problem with playing the guitar is that you end up with a lot of callouses on the finger pads of your left hand. My finger pads are back to being smooth now since I haven’t played the guitar for a long time. You also can’t grow the fingernails long on your left hand, which I am fine with, but then you’re supposed to grow them long on your right hand (or use a pick whenever you strum the guitar), which feels kind of weird…

I used to play the guitar with my family and we’d all sing along. After my dad got transferred back to Taiwan, we compiled a tape recording of many songs of me playing the guitar and us singing along. That tape is still back in Taiwan. I should get it converted into mp3 the next time I’m back in Taiwan.

I feel so happy when I sing. It turns out that singing also stimulates your vagus nerve, which activates your parasympathetic system and helps calm you down. So, that’s definitely a good thing for me.

When I sing, it brings up a lot of emotions deep inside of me, and helps me to express it outwards. A lot of my feelings, thoughts, emotions and deepest desires are inside of my guitar… 💗

Inside of My Guitar

~ The Bellamy Brothers

Now, there’s a place I want to show you
And don’t you know it’s not too far
And there’s a place I want to know you
Inside of my guitar

In my guitar there is a garden
Where rainbows bloom and shine like stars
If you say no, I beg you pardon
Come inside of my guitar

I’ll make you laugh
And make you sing
And we can play among the stars
And we’ll make love and dance beneath the strings
Inside of my guitar

Now, there’s a feeling that I’m after
So please don’t think my love’s bizarre
But I hear music, girl, and laughter
Inside of my guitar

I’ll make you laugh
And make you sing
And we can play among the stars
And we’ll make love and dance beneath the strings
Inside of my guitar

Come inside of my guitar…

I went to the Pretoria High School for Girls in South Africa.  It is a Catholic school and we attend mass and sing hymns every morning. We have a strict uniform code, and we must wear our beret and coat outside of school.  My sister and I got caught once by our school headmistress for not wearing our beret while out shopping.  Good thing my dad’s a diplomat so she let us off easy.  😛

Our headmistress, Miss Mullins was a very strict lady. Sometimes, she’ll tell all of us to lift our skirts up during mass, being that it’s an all girl’s school, to see if we’re all wearing our ugly green underwear uniform. I just did a Google search now and saw that she passed away in December 2006. Her fiancée died in the Angolan Bush War, and she never remarried. May her soul rest in peace, she has finally reunited with him in heaven. 🌄

“Morning Has Broken” by Cat Stevens was one of my favorite religious songs. I was born a Buddhist and sometimes got annoyed that I had to attend mass every single morning and attend Scripture classes. Good thing that we sang a lot of songs during our Scripture classes. I love singing! It’s how I best express my emotions, my creative juices, and my love!

I have since then become a lot more spiritual, rather than just religious. I accept that there is one True Source, that may come in the form of many different religions, e.g. Buddhism, Catholicism, and Christianity, etc.

This song is a praise to the “Most High“, to God’s Ultimate Creations ~ the beauty that we see all around us, and the beauty that is within all of us. The spirit of God is within all of us, we are all a part of God, whatever your interpretation of God may be…

I have been through a lot of difficult times in my life. However, I AM so thankful and grateful for all that I have in my life. Thank you Divine Source for filling my life with so much love, joy and laughter! 🌹

Morning Has Broken

~ Cat Stevens

Morning has broken like the first morning
Blackbird has spoken like the first bird
Praise for the singing, praise for the morning
Praise for them springing fresh from the world

Sweet the rains new fall, sunlit from Heaven
Like the first dewfall on the first grass
Praise for the sweetness of the wet garden
Sprung in completeness where His feet pass

Mine is the sunlight, mine is the morning
Born of the one light, Eden saw play
Praise with elation, praise every morning
God’s recreation of the new day

Morning has broken like the first morning
Blackbird has spoken like the first bird
Praise for the singing, praise for the morning
Praise for them springing fresh from the world