๐คฌ Liar! Cheat! Thief! Addict! Keep on Doing So Many Shady Things Behind My Back!
I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!
I Hate You So Much Right Now! ~ Kelis
[Intro] Yo, this song, yo This song is for all the women out there That have been lied to by their men And I know yโall been lied to over and over again This is for yโall, yo, maybe you didnโt break The way you shouldโve broke, yo But I break, you know Iโm sayinโ? So this is how it goes yo Psstโฆ damn Yo
[Verse 1] Last year, Valentineโs Day, you would just warmly say โBabe I love you, love you, babe I swearโ (Yo, heโs lying) Held you when you were sick, evenโฆ The whole time Iโd think to myself, this isnโt fair
[Pre-Chorus] What is this I see? You donโt come home to me (No! Oh no!) When you donโt come home to me, canโt deal, canโt bear (Man) You keep tellinโ me lies, but to your surprise Look, I found her red coat and youโre caught out there
[Chorus] I hate you so much right now! I hate you so much right now! Aaaaaaaaaaaah! I hate you so much right now! I hate you so much right now! I hate you so much right now! Aaaaaaaaaaaah! I hate you so much right now!
[Verse 2] So sick of your games, Iโll set your truck to flames And watch it blow up, blow up โ tell me, how you gonna see her now? So far from sincere, fabrications in my ear (I love you) Drive me so far up the wall, I come slidinโ down
[Pre-Chorus] What is this I see? You donโt come home to me (I donโt believe this!) When you donโt come home to me, I canโt deal, canโt bear (I wonโt) You keep tellinโ me lies, but to your surprise Look, I hope youโre happy since youโre caught out there
[Interlude] Yeah, youโve been caught Yo, come on Come on
[Chorus] I hate you so much right now! I hate you so much right now! Aaaaaaaaaaaah! I hate you so much right now! I hate you so much right now! I hate you so much right now! Aaaaaaaaaaaah! I hate you so much right now!
[Verse 3] Sheโs so raunchy, so vulgar; not me, why the hell her? Look, she dresses a mess, what do you see? (Look at her! I donโt know) Itโs not all about cash, nor how much you flash (Hell no) How I dress is a reflection of me
[Pre-Chorus] What is this I see? You donโt come home to me (Uh-uh) When you donโt come home to me, canโt deal, canโt bear (Told you I wonโt) You keep tellinโ me lies, but to your surprise Look I got something for yโall since youโre caught out there
[Chorus] I hate you so much right now! I hate you so much right now! Aaaaaaaaaaaah! I hate you so much right now! I hate you so much right now! I hate you so much right now! Aaaaaaaaaaaah! I hate you so much right now! I hate you so much right now! I hate you so much right now! Aaaaaaaaaaaah! I hate you so much right now! I hate you so much right now! I hate you so much right now! Aaaaaaaaaaaah! I hate you so much right now!
Thank you God, for healing my physical, emotional and spiritual wounds.
Scars in Heaven ~ Casting Crowns
Thank you for healing the physical, emotional, and spiritual wounds of my loved ones ~ past and the present. AMEN.
Scars in Heaven
~ Casting Crowns
If I had only known the last time would be the last time I would’ve put off all the things I had to do I would’ve stayed a little longer, held on a little tighter Now what I’d give for one more day with you ‘Cause there’s a wound here in my heart where something’s missing And they tell me that it’s gonna heal with time But I know you’re in a place where all your wounds have been erased And knowing yours are healed is healing mine
The only scars in Heaven, they won’t belong to me and you There’ll be no such thing as broken, and all the old will be made new And the thought that makes me smile now, even as the tears fall down Is that the only scars in Heaven are on the hands that hold you now
I know the road you walked was anything but easy You picked up your share of scars along the way Oh, but now you’re standing in the sun, you’ve fought your fight and your race is run The pain is all a million miles away
The only scars in Heaven, they won’t belong to me and you There’ll be no such thing as broken, and all the old will be made new And the thought that makes me smile now, even as the tears fall down Is that the only scars in Heaven, yeah, are on the hands that hold you now
Hallelujah, Hallelujah Hallelujah, for the hands that hold you now
There’s not a day goes by that I don’t see you You live on in all the better parts of me Until I’m standing with you in the sun, I’ll fight this fight and this race I’ll run Until I finally see what you can see, oh-oh
The only scars in Heaven, they won’t belong to me and you There’ll be no such thing as broken, and all the old will be made new And the thought that makes me smile now, even as the tears fall down Is that the only scars in Heaven are on the hands that hold you now
I AM Still Hurting! My Heart is Still Breaking! I did not think it would hurt this bad!
It has just been one betrayal after another! I just found out last Sunday (01/30/22) that my ex-husband not only stole money from our joint bank accounts, but he took up a huge loan and gave a 6-digit amount of money to a woman!!!!!
This sense of betrayal hurts so bad!!! I restored his poor credit score at the expense of mine to become excellent, and that was the only reason he was able to get a loan approved for such a large amount! I feel like a Fool! an Idiot! a Moron! What was I thinking?!!!
He has constantly lied to me, cheated on me and betrayed me for the past 13.5 years. Yet, I still forgave him, believed in him, loved him, cared for him, even up to this day. How can I be So Foolish!!!!!
We were no longer in love with each other since a long time ago, but I’ll always love him as a family member. But what he has done is an act of Ultimate Betrayal! I have been asking so many times for the past 2 months as to what loan he was applying for, and for what? But he was adamant to take that secret with him to his grave.
It was only until his mission was completed, by giving the entire amount to that woman, and by me threatening to speak with his boss, before he finally told me about it last Sunday. I have realized what a sick personality he has. There was no way to stop him from completing his mission. Once his mind is set on something, good or bad, he will get it done, one way or another. I still don’t even know if he was telling me the truth about where the money went. His story seems so unbelievable! Only an imbecile, and someone who was actively having a psychotic episode would do what he said he has done.
Even people who get scammed gets scammed that large amount of money after at least a year of being fooled. He got scammed in less than three months????? And what about the “Promise Ring Princess-Cut Diamond” that he was doing a Google search for not long ago? A few days later, he did a Google search for “Engagement Ring”. What was that all about?????? He is a Pathological liar! All I know for a fact is that all that money is gone! As to where it has gone to, I still do not know for a fact!
He just recently texted me, “You are irrelevant to me”. This is truly how he feels about me. He does not give a shit about me or how I feel. It has always been about him, and it always will.
He has no gratitude whatsoever for all that I have done for him for the past 13.5 years. All the sacrifices I’ve made for him, so that he is this high-earning medical device engineer that has been able to keep a good reputation in his field; despite being an alcoholic, who drinks and drives, cheats on his wife, and can not even get a credit card approved, because he does not take responsibility for anything outside of his work.
His debt collectors started contacting me after we got married, because he never answers the phone to them. I settled his debts! What did he tell me last Sunday? He said that he gave all that money away for a good purpose, now his life has a purpose, to pay off his loan. What an idiot!!!!! Why did I ever settle his debt on his behalf????? Obviously, his life needs to be in constant turmoil in order for him to feel alive! Why didn’t I just let him keep his lousy debts and poor credit score, so that he can never get another credit card or loan approved?????!!!!!! WHY?????!!!!!!!!
Not long after I moved in with him, our electricity got cut off one day due to his non-payment. I frantically called him to tell him that. He told me not to worry, that it has happened before!!!! It has happened before???!!!! I should have known back then what kind of irresponsible jerk I am dealing with!
After we started dating, he told me that I made him want to become a better person. Yeah, right! Of course! I settled his debts, got his credit score to excellent, drove him around like his chauffeur (when his driver’s license got revoked twice after we were together!) while being yelled at for having no sense of direction, took care of his health issues, and was treated only as his executive assistant and housekeeper. And all this for what? For him to screw me over again, and again, and again for the past 13.5 years!!!
He is Jekyll and Hyde. You’ll want to have him as your employee or independent contractor. But you WILL NOT want to have him in your personal life. He will destroy your sense of dignity, self-worth, and he will destroy your health and well-being. He will make you feel like you are insignificant, and not even worth existing on this earth!
This is the act of Ultimate Betrayal! To have total disregard for my future and my financial future, whatsoever! I don’t know how many coupons I’ve clipped throughout the past 13.5 years, just to save us a dollar here and there. Yet, this inconsiderate, cruel, cold-hearted moron threw away all that money in an instant, as if it was trash. Just like that! To a stranger that he claims he just met in November last year! He has betrayed me in every single way possible. He made sure of that!!!
This hurts so bad! My heart hurts so bad! This hurts so bad!!! ๐
๐ OVER YOU!!! ๐
~ Daughtry
Now that it’s all said and done I can’t believe you were the one To build me up then tear me down Like an old abandoned house What you said when you left Just left me cold and out of breath I fell too far, was in way too deep Guess I let you get the best of me
Well, I never saw it coming I should’ve started running A long, long time ago And I never thought I’d doubt you I’m better off without you More than you, more than you know I’m slowly getting closure I guess it’s really over I’m finally getting better And now I’m picking up the pieces And spending all of these years Putting my heart back together ‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through I got over you
You took a hammer to these walls Dragged the memories down the hall Packed your bags and walked away There was nothing I could say And when you slammed the front door shut A lot of others opened up So did my eyes, so I could see That you never were the best for me
Well, I never saw it coming I should’ve started running A long, long time ago And I never thought I’d doubt you I’m better off without you More than you, more than you know I’m slowly getting closure I guess it’s really over I’m finally getting better And now I’m picking up the pieces And spending all of these years Putting my heart back together ‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through I got over you
Well, I never saw it coming I should’ve started running A long, long time ago And I never thought I’d doubt you I’m better off without you More than you, more than you know
Well, I never saw it coming I should’ve started running A long, long time ago And I never thought I’d doubt you I’m better off without you More than you, more than you know I’m slowly getting closure I guess it’s really over I’m finally getting better And now I’m picking up the pieces And spending all of these years Putting my heart back together (Whoa-whoa-whoa) Well, now I’m putting my heart back together (Whoa-whoa-whoa) ‘Cause I got over you (Whoa-whoa-whoa) I got over you And I got over you ‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through I got over you
After many times of asking, literally begging, my ex-husband as to what is going on regarding our finances, I finally found out last Sunday (01/30/22) that not only did he withdraw the huge amounts of money from our joint bank accounts since the beginning of November 2021, but he also took out a huge loan in the past few months. He gave all that money to a woman!!!
When we got married 13.5 years ago, his credit was so poor, he could not even get a credit card approved. Even though he was making good money, but he never paid off his credit card debts. Due to that, 4-digit debts became 5-digits, thanks to compound interest and time. That’s how he is in life; hiding his head in the sand, until he goes through a manic phase, and then all of a sudden:
a. either get himself into another DUI, so that he will now have to pay lots of money each month to the state, for his DUI classes, and for his expensive car insurance rate
b. take up loan on money that he does not have, and give all that away, just like that, to a woman!
c. buy expensive, useless gadgets
I told him last Sunday that I went through 13.5 years of helping him with his issues: drinking addiction, DUI’s, cheating on me, debts, poor credit score, brain tumor (which was later found to be a congenital anomaly), without getting much money left in the proposed divorce settlement, especially compared to how much he gave to that woman in just less than 3 months! And here is this stranger that he interacted with since November 2021, that he ends up throwing all his money away, even money that he doesn’t have, without her having to ever lift a finger for him!!!!!!
I should have never sacrificed my own credit score (by opening multiple credit cards and adding him as an additional card holder) to make his credit score become excellent (and mine not as good since my credit score gets lowered each time my credit gets run, in order to apply for a credit card, or to start a utility service under my name, etc.). If I just left him with his poor credit score, where he could not even get approved for a credit card, then he would not have been able to get approved for a loan, especially for this huge amount!
I’ve realized that I have been enabling him all these years. He never had to suffer from the long term consequences for his actions (DUI’s, alcohol addiction, not paying off his debts, etc.) and I basically sacrificed my own health and well-being for nothing for the past 13.5 years, since he is still drinking and driving, and now have this huge loan debt!
What a joke! The joke is on me! You can not save someone that does not want to be saved! This is the biggest and most painful lesson I have learned in my life!
Update: 01/27/22 – Both of my Covid and Flu nasal swabs came back negative. Woohoo! ๐ค
Life Is Beautiful!!! ๐
01/26/22
I’ve been going through a tough two months since the beginning of December 2021.
First, my soon to be ex-husband’s car got totaled on December 4th, 2021. Right afterwards, I found 1 can of empty beer and 3 cans of unopened beers inside his backpack that he brought back from the accident. Then he told me that had been drinking again since a year ago, and then he asked me for a divorce.
A few days later, I found out that he had been secretly withdrawing huge amounts of money from our bank accounts since the beginning of November, and even a few days after he said that he wanted a divorce.
Not soon thereafter, I went for my lipoma surgery on December 22nd, and was in a lot of pain and discomfort especially after the first two weeks. Then, I was in extreme stomach pain, passed out and vomited on January 13th, 2022. Thank goodness, it happened while I was inside my ex’s room with him helping me to apply the pressure bandage onto my lipoma surgical site. He doesn’t ever check up on me (he spends his spare time either getting drunk, or getting over his hangover), so if it happened at any other time, then I would have chocked on my own vomit and died. My ex would have probably eventually walked into my room 3 days later when he smelled my decomposing body.
On January 15th, in the evening, my EMDR therapist (that I last saw on January 12th), called to tell me that she tested positive for Covid, and started having symptoms on January 13th. So, I was definitely in close contact with her during her infectious period.
I went for my MRI/MRA brain and cervical scans on January 24th and saw the report yesterday from my MRI brain scan that I have white spots in my brain, which may indicate that I have had a stroke, have MS, have Lyme disease, or have a brain tumor, etc. I also had a MRI brain scan done 3 years ago after my concussion (slipped and fell on ice) but did not have white spots in the brain show up back then. So, something definitely happened to me in the past 3 years.
When I went into my ex’s bedroom last night to help me apply the pressure bandage to my lipoma surgical site, I found that he hid a bottle of hard liquor in his room. Once again, I’ve asked him to please consider getting counseling for his addiction.
I woke up this morning feeling extremely fatigued. I plan on getting tested for Covid this afternoon with my primary doctor. I have auto-immune issues, so I’m hoping that if I test positive, then he will be willing to prescribe to me Covid anti-viral medications.
I just can’t seem to catch a break. It’s been one shitty thing after another since the beginning of December last year. I’ve been trying to stay positive all this time but it’s starting to wear down on me now.
I just saw this video now of this brave sweet puppy, Cora Rose. She is my inspiration that even in the worst of times, you can still be the happiest person alive. The key is to be grateful for what you have in life. I will continue to watch inspirational videos and continue to practice my daily gratitude practice.
๐ May 2022 Be the Best Year of Our Lives, So Far! May We All Be Blessed with Health, Love, Joy, Wealth, Luck, Protection and Happiness! ๐
Liu Yu Ning (ๅๅฎๅฏง) โ ้ๅนด็ๆญ (Guo Nian De Ge) ~ Happy New Year Song! ๐
Singer: Liu Yu Ning (ๅๅฎๅฏง) Title: ้ๅนด็ๆญ (Guo Nian De Ge) – Happy New Year Song!
Du du Du~ ็ฅๆๅนธ็ฆ ็ฅไฝ ้ๅฟ zhu wo xingfu zhu ni kaixin
Du du Du~ ๆฐๅนดๅฐ ๆฐๅนดๅฅฝ xinnian dao xinnian hao
ๅๆฏไธๅนดๆฅไพๆฉ you shi yi nianchun lai zao
ไฝ ๅฐ้ไธๅฅๆ่ ni dui zhe yiju anhao
ๆๆ็ด ๅ ๆบๅๅฅฝ wo ba hongbao zhunbei hao ไฝ ไฝๆ ๆๆๆฑ ni zuoyi wo yongbao ๅฅฝไน ไธ่ฆๅฏ้ๅฅฝ haojiu bujian ke hai hao ไธๅฃๆนฏๅๆๆฐด้ค yikou tangyuan huo shuijiao
้ฝๆฏๅๅ็ๅณ้ dou shi tuanyuan de weidao ๆญๅๆญๅไฝ ๅ gongxi gongxi ni ya ๆ้ๅป้ๅปๆ็ฆฎไบ wo zhe xiang zhe xiang you lile ็ฆฎๅค่ชฐไนไธ็ฎ่ฆๅค li duo shui ye bu suan jian wai
ๅ็ งๅฐฑ็ฌๅฎๅ้ๆท hezhao jiu xiao ta ge kaihuai ๆญๅๆญๅไฝ ๅ gongxi gongxi ni ya ๆฒๆ็ ฉๆฑๆๆพไฝ ๅข meiyou fannao darao ni ne ๅฟซๆจไธ็ด่ๆจๅๅจ kuaile yizhi yu nin tong zai
ๅฅฝ้ๆปพๆปพไพ haoyun gungun lai ่ชชไธๅฅๆญๅๆญๅ shuo yiju gongxi gongxi ไธๅฎๆๅฆๆๅฆๆ yiding hui ruyi ruyi ๅไนๆฏ่ชช o yeshi shuo
ๆๆ่ไฝ wo aizhe ni ๆฏไธๅฅๅๅๅๅ mei yiju tong xi tong xi ๆ่ฌๆๆไฝ ๆไฝ ganxie wo you ni you ni ๅๅจไธ่ตท o zai yiqi
ๆฏๆๅผๅพๆญกๅ็ไธป้ก shi zui zhide huanxi de zhuti ็ฆ่ฆๅ ็ฆไพไบ fu yao dao fu laile ๆปฟๆปฟ็ฆๆฐฃ่ซๆฅๅฅฝ man man fuqi qing jie hao ๅพๆ่ๅฎถ็้ๅฃ cong wo laojia de menkou
่ฒผๅฐchina town่ก่ง tie dao china town jiejiao ๅฅๅซๅค ๅฅๅซๅต bie xian duo bie xian chao ๆฟ้ๆๆฉ้้ป่ ฆ na kai shou jiguan diannao ไปๆ็ฌไธๅ้ๅฎต jin wan ao yige tongxiao
ๆๅคฉ่ถ้็็ฑ้ฌง mingtian ganji kan renao ๆญๅๆญๅไฝ ๅ gongxi gongxi ni ya ๆ้ๅป้ๅปๆ็ฆฎไบ wo zhe xiang zhe xiang you lile ็ฆฎๅค่ชฐไนไธ็ฎ่ฆๅค li duo shui ye bu suan jian wai
ๅ็ งๅฐฑ็ฌๅฎๅ้ๆท hezhao jiu xiao ta ge kaihuai ๆญๅๆญๅไฝ ๅ gongxi gongxi ni ya ๆฒๆ็ ฉๆฑๆๆพไฝ ๅข meiyou fannao darao ni ne ๅฟซๆจไธ็ด่ๆจๅๅจ kuaile yizhi yu nin tong zai
ๅฅฝ้ๆปพๆปพไพ haoyun gungun lai ่ชชไธๅฅๆญๅๆญๅ shuo yiju gongxi gongxi ไธๅฎๆๅฆๆๅฆๆ yiding hui ruyi ruyi ๅไนๆฏ่ชช o yeshi shuo
ๆๆ่ไฝ wo aizhe ni ๆฏไธๅฅๅๅๅๅ mei yiju tong xi tong xi ๆ่ฌๆๆไฝ ๆไฝ ganxie wo you ni you ni ๅๅจไธ่ตท o zai yiqi
ๆฏๆๅผๅพๆญกๅ็ไธป้ก shi zui zhide huanxi de zhuti Du du Du~ ็ฅๆๅนธ็ฆ ็ฅไฝ ้ๅฟ zhu wo xingfu zhu ni kaixin
Du du Du~ ่ชชไธๅฅๆญๅๆญๅ shuo yiju gongxi gongxi ไธๅฎๆๅฆๆๅฆๆ yiding hui ruyi ruyi
ๅไนๆฏ่ชช o yeshi shuo ๆๆ่ไฝ wo aizhe ni ๆฏไธๅฅๅๅๅๅ mei yiju tong xi tong xi ๆ่ฌๆๆไฝ ๆไฝ ganxie wo you ni you ni
ๅๅจไธ่ตท o zai yiqi ๆฏๆๅผๅพๆญกๅ็ไธป้ก shi zui zhide huanxi de zhuti ่ชชไธๅฅๆญๅๆญๅ shuo yiju gongxi gongxi ไธๅฎๆๅฆๆๅฆๆ yiding hui ruyi ruyi
ๅไนๆฏ่ชช o yeshi shuo ๆๆ่ไฝ wo aizhe ni ๆฏไธๅฅๅๅๅๅ mei yiju tong xi tong xi ๆ่ฌๆๆไฝ ๆไฝ ganxie wo you ni you ni
ๅๅจไธ่ตท o zai yiqi ๆฏๆๅผๅพๆญกๅ็ไธป้ก shi zui zhide huanxi de zhuti ่ชชไธๅฅๆญๅๆญๅ shuo yiju gongxi gongxi ไธๅฎๆๅฆๆๅฆๆ yiding hui ruyi ruyi
ๅไนๆฏ่ชช o yeshi shuo ๆๆ่ไฝ wo aizhe ni ๆฏไธๅฅๅๅๅๅ mei yiju tong xi tong xi ๆ่ฌๆๆไฝ ๆไฝ ganxie wo you ni you ni
ๅๅจไธ่ตท o zai yiqi ๆฏๆๅผๅพๆญกๅ็ไธป้ก shi zui zhide huanxi de zhuti
I joined GriefShare a few weeks ago, at around the same time I joined DivorceCare. I had a cat called “Lucky” back when I was studying Dentistry in South Africa. He ended up with a UTI and then died from septicemia afterwards. I was devastated. He was my best friend, my baby. I ended up with major depression and had to take “Aropax” which finally helped me to get better. The psychiatrist suggested that I continue to take it until I graduate from dental school since I’m under so much stress as well. I stopped taking it after I graduated.
๐ฅ Fire and Rain ๐ง๏ธ ~ James Taylor
However, I’ve learned from that experience that I do not deal with the death of my loved ones well, or just death in general. My father is 90 years old and has a thyroid tumor. He also has Parkinson’s and memory loss. I pray every day that he will live for another 30 years or more. However, I constantly have this great fear in the back of my mind that one of these days, I’ll get a call from mom, telling me that he has passed away or will be soon…
I wasn’t even aware that I had clinical depression after Lucky died. I just knew that everyday after coming home from dental school, I’ll lie down on my bed and start to cry. It just became my way of life. I was also failing at school. I wasn’t meeting the quota of the number of patients that I had to see. The Head of the Maxillo-Facial and Oral Surgery, Dr. Lownie, told me to go to her office one day and told me that I will not pass the year, unless I go and see the Head of the Psychiatry department. I had no choice but to do that, and it was then found that I had clinical depression. I am very thankful to her for forcing me to seek help, as it never occurred to me that I was depressed. I was only aware of it after taking Aropax for about month, when one day, I suddenly felt as if the dark clouds have been lifted over my shoulder.
My ex-husband continues to drink and drive. I have this constant fear that he will end up in an accident one of these days and either end up hurting someone/himself, or killing someone and/or himself.
I feel so helpless and powerless over this fear and that’s why I’ve joined GriefShare. I’m hoping to learn some survival skills to deal with it when the time comes. I am very afraid that I won’t be able to deal with it.
I also attended an online Al-Anon meeting last weekend and felt more at peace afterwards. I’m going to start attending more Al-Anon online meetings now, as it helps me to feel that I’m not all alone in this world dealing with my ex-husband’s addiction and my fear as to what grave consequences may happen to him.
I was also attending Co-Dependency in-person meetings last year. However, it’s at the same time as the DivorceCare in-person meeting that’s starting in February. So, I’ll probably check up for some Co-Dependency online meetings until I finish the DivorceCare in-person meetings.
I Need to Let Go. I Need to Just Let Go and Let God…
Fire and Rain
~ James Taylor
Just yesterday mornin’, they let me know you were gone Suzanne, the plans they made put an end to you I walked out this morning and I wrote down this song I just can’t remember who to send it to
I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end I’ve seen lonely times when I could not find a friend But I always thought that I’d see you again
Won’t you look down upon me, Jesus? You’ve got to help me make a stand You’ve just got to see me through another day My body’s aching and my time is at hand And I won’t make it any other way
Oh, I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end I’ve seen lonely times when I could not find a friend But I always thought that I’d see you again
Been walking my mind to an easy time My back turned towards the sun Lord knows, when the cold wind blows It’ll turn your head around Well, there’s hours of time on the telephone line To talk about things to come Sweet dreams and flying machines in pieces on the ground
Oh, I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end I’ve seen lonely times when I could not find a friend But I always thought that I’d see you, baby One more time again, now Thought I’d see you one more time again There’s just a few things coming my way this time around, now Thought I’d see you, thought I’d see you, fire and rain, now
I just heard a very profound quote now ~ My Life is not defined by the people who walked away. My Life is defined by the people who decided to stay. ๐ These are the kinds of people that I want to be with; someone who will always be there with me through thick and thin! ๐ฅฐ
๐ฅฐ I’m Still Here- ้ๆๆ – ไปป่ณข้ฝ – Richie Jen ๐
๐ฅฐ I’m Still Here- ้ๆๆ – ไปป่ณข้ฝ – Richie Jen ๐ – English translation
It’s cold outside, but I think I’ve hibernated for long enough now. I’m not going to be able to find my soulmate sitting at home. I had my Covid shot, my Covid booster shot and my flu shot. I am very careful when I’m outside and always put my mask on. However, that does not mean that I need to continue living like a hermit.
I realize that realistically speaking, I’m going to have to kiss a lot of frogs in order to find my prince, but it will be worth it. I’m going to start joining online dating websites, and attend the in-person divorce support group that starts in February.
I look very young, and am very child-like. It’s funny actually, when I go to the gym (dressed conservatively), teenage boys (and men of all different age groups) are ogling after me! So, I think it will be suitable for me to find a man in around the 36 – 56 age range. Just because someone is older, doesn’t necessarily mean that he is wiser, and vice versa. There is a huge difference though, between being “child-like”, and being “immature”. What I have found throughout the years is that I no longer have any patience left to deal with immature men (i.e. boys) who love playing mind games!
I’ve been playing the sad role of this “grieving widow” for far too long now. Meanwhile, all this time, my ex-husband was out there having a ball; drinking, lying, and being with other people, while I’m all alone playing the unappreciated good wife at home. I’m done with that!
Just like in the movie “Braveheart”, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S3ubag7dtn4 while being tortured to death, Mel Gibson (William Wallace) used his final breath to scream the word, “Freedom!!!“. This is how I feel as well. Even though my heart is being torn into hundreds of pieces, but I am finally set free!!! Here’s to being proactive to my new happy love life! ๐
I will accept that being an empath, I AM different from the rest of the world. I do not like crowds. I do not like loud noises. I do not like aggressiveness. I do not like to play games. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am open and honest. I am trusting and I am trustworthy. This is the kind of person I AM, and this is the kind of soulmate that I want to be with! ๐
When I was studying for my Traditional Oriental Medicine master’s degree, I was always aiming for an A+, or at least an A grade.
๐ The Moonlight in the City – ๅ้็ๆๅ ~ Liu Yuning – ๅๅฎๅฏง ๐
Unfortunately, I ended up with A- for one of my courses. At first, I felt devastated, that my perfect track record is now no more. But over time, I started to feel elated, because I no longer have to put myself under so much pressure to maintain my so called “perfect” track record. I started to relax and enjoy studying, instead of just studying for the sake of studying.
This is how I’m starting to feel regarding my love life as well. I strived so hard for the past 13.5 years to keep my marriage from falling apart. Now that it has, and now that I’m finally starting to accept the truth of the matter, I’m beginning to feel more relaxed towards life, especially regarding my love life.
Now, I can finally choose to be with someone that I am truly compatible with, someone that loves me with his heart and soul, someone that will laugh with me through the happy times, and cry with me through the sad times.
I feel sad for the ending of my marriage, but at the same time, I feel happy, that I am finally set free! ๐บ
๐ The Moonlight in the City – ๅ้็ๆๅ ~ Liu Yuning – ๅๅฎๅฏง ๐ – Looped (1 hour) ๐
ๅ่ฃก็ๆๅ – The Moonlight in the City
(with my English interpretation of the lyrics) ๐
ไฝ่ฉ๏ผ้ณไฝณๆ
ไฝๆฒ๏ผ้ณไฝณๆ
ๆฏ้กๅฟไธๆไธๅๅฐๆน
mei ke xin shang mou yi ge di fang
Somewhere in everyone’s heart.
็ธฝๆๅ่จๆถๆฎไธๆฃ
zong you ge ji yi hui bu san
Lies a memory that can not be scattered.
ๆฏๅๆทฑๅคๆไธๅๅฐๆน
mei ge shen ye mou yi ge di fang
Somewhere in the middle of the night.
็ธฝๆ่ๆๆทฑ็ๆ้
zong you zhe zui shen de si liang
Lies within our deepest thoughts…
ไธ้่ฌๅ็่ฎๅนป
shi jian wan qian de bian huan
Changes happen constantly in our lives.
ๆๆๆๆ ็ไบบๅๅ ฉ็ซฏ
ai ba you qing de ren fen liang duan
Always pulling lovers apart…
ๅฟ่ฅ็ฅ้้็็ๆนๅ
xin ruo zhi dao ling xi de fang xiang
But if our telepathic hearts can connect with one another,ใ
้ฃๆไธ่ฝๅค ๆๅค็ธไผด
na pa bu neng gou chao xi xiang ban
Then we will always be together.
ๅ่ฃก็ๆๅ ๆๅคข็ งไบฎ
cheng li de yue guang ba meng zhao liang
The moonlight in the city illuminate our dreams.
่ซๆบซๆไปๅฟๆฟ
qing wen nuan ta xin fang
Please warm his tender heart.
็้ไบไบบ้่ๆฃ
kan tou le ren jian ju san
I’ve seen through the ebbs and flows of life.
่ฝไธ่ฝๅค้ปๅฟซๆจ็ๆฎต
neng bu neng duo dian kuai le pian duan
All that’s important now is to be happy.
ๅ่ฃก็ๆๅ ๆๅคข็ งไบฎ
cheng li de yue guang ba meng zhao liang
The moonlight in the city illuminate our dreams.
่ซๅฎ่ญทๅฎ่บซๆ
qing shou hu ta shen pang
Please protect him at all times.
่ฅๆไธๅคฉ่ฝ้้ข
ruo you yi tian neng zhong feng
If we can be together again one day,
่ฎๅนธ็ฆๆๆปฟๆดๅๅคๆ
rang xing fu sa man zheng ge ye wan
Then let happiness spread throughout the entire night sky!
I went to the gym to walk on the treadmill after my husband came home from work this afternoon.
While driving, especially after blowing the hot air for a while, I started to faintly smell alcohol in the air. I’m very sensitive and especially with me being alcohol intolerant, my tongue starts getting a tingling sensation and some numbness when I’m in the presence of alcohol, especially in the air.
Oftentimes, when my husband comes home and I greet him, he looks at me with these very angry eyes but I have no idea why he is so angry with me? Sometimes, just that one angry stare from him sends my stomach into spasms and then I end up with stomach pain for the rest of the day.
I wonder if he’s angry because as much as he hates me stopping him from drinking, he’s even more angry at himself for drinking, and thus, also angry at me for not stopping him from drinking?
I don’t know what to do. When we’re not on good terms, he’s drinking. When we’re on good terms, he’s also drinking. When I only let him use credit cards and bring me back itemized receipts, he still manages to find cash to drink. And now I find out that he has been drinking since a year ago because the company that he spends most of the time every day has their fridge constantly stocked with alcohol.
He’s told me before that beer does nothing for him. So, I know that he’s buying hard liquor, and will have to up the dose over time, in order to feel the same effect as before. The amount of money he took from our bank accounts is enough for him to drink himself to death, and many times over.
When we were still in California, we went to see a hepatologist and found out that he has liver cirrhosis, and yet, he still drinks.
Even though we are getting divorced, I will always love and care for him as a family member. However, I don’t know how to help him. I feel so powerless and helpless. I felt sadness and compassion for him this afternoon. I don’t know what else to do. I’m turning to you, God, to please help him.
My Prayer
Dear God
Thank you for always letting me feel your presence
Thank you for having your angels protecting me permanently at all times
Please do not forsake him, for he is also your child
Please find a way for him to feel your presence and your love
Please help him to want to seek help for his emotional issues and his addiction
Please let him know that he deserves love and is loved by you for always,
I called the furnace repair company and left a voicemail to see when to schedule for a repair service this morning. Our reception here is poor so I often get dropped calls and will only know that someone called if they left a voicemail. I got a voicemail from their customer service rep asking me to call her back. I called back and got her voicemail again. Then 10 minutes later, the technician called me and said that he just finished a service nearby and can be here in 5 minutes. ๐
That’s like really short notice but if I don’t accept it, then who knows when they’ll be able to come and repair our furnace, so I had to agree to it. Thank goodness I always keep our townhouse neat and clean, and actually just used my newly purchased robot vacuum to clean our townhouse this morning. ๐
I told the technician that we weren’t considered an urgent case because our thermostat was registering at 67F, but that we had to run multiple space heaters. The technician said to tell HomeSmart next time that our thermostat is registering at 50F so that we’ll be considered an urgent case. It makes sense though, since if we didn’t have space heaters, then our thermostat would have been registering at a much lower temperature.
The technician kindly helped me to test and see if there’s any gas leakages as well especially since I told him that I work from home.
Hopefully, the furnace will be fine now, fingers crossed. ๐ค
The owner texted back this morning to say that the replacement washer request has been approved by HomeSmart and he’ll let me know once he receives the approval. Hope that gets taken care of soon, too! ๐ค
December 18th 2021 (Saturday)
I noticed when I came home last night that our furnace is once again only blowing cold air, and our temperature is in the teens right now! ๐ฅถ
I called HomeSmart to schedule for a repair. I guess there’s many furnaces breaking down now in this extremely cold weather so, whereas last time we were considered to be an urgent case, now only thermostats registering below 60F are considered urgent cases. Our thermostat is registering at 67F so the service technician will only be calling us next Monday to schedule for a service date. ๐ข
I always try to remain optimistic in life. However, so many crappy things have happened since the end of last month:
Just before the end of November: Our washer started to malfunction (stops in mid-cycle, and not draining the water completely). The technician came to look at it on December 1st and said that he will submit a request for HomeSmart to reimburse our owner with a new washer. I just texted the owner again last night and he still has not received HomeSmart’s approval for the washer replacement yet. So, I’ve been doing multiple re-washes and re-spinning, and just praying and hoping that it’s not going to stop dead completely all of a sudden.
On December 4th: I was hit with a 3-in-1 crappy shocker that: a. My husband’s car got totaled in a car accident (thank goodness he’s okay, knock on wood…). b. He had started drinking again since a year ago. c. He asked me for a divorce.
December 16th (Thursday): I found out that my husband is doing Google searches for “Promise ring princess-cut diamond”, and wonder if he has been seeing someone, besides starting to drink alcohol again since a year ago?
December 17th (Friday): I found out that my husband has been secretly withdrawing huge amounts of money from our bank accounts. I feel so betrayed by him. All these years of his lies and gaslighting just doesn’t seem to stop! I said to him when he came home yesterday, that “Thirteen and a half years, you’d think you’d be more honest with the (divorce) procedure!”.
December 17th (Friday) evening: our furnace stops blowing hot air again.
I returned one of the space heaters after the technician repaired our furnace on November 10th and replaced it with a mini space heater just to put by my working space. But now, I’m going to have to get a bigger one because that mini space heater is overworking and under-delivering. ๐ฅถ
Does this ever end??? Sigh….
November 10th, 2021
I didn’t sleep too well last night, kept on waking up throughout the night. Our Daylight Saving Time changed this morning, don’t know if it has anything to do with that?
I had been smelling some kind of faintly weird smell from our furnace for the past 2-3 days on and off. Then, just now I was starting to feel cold, even though I’ve set the thermostat at my usual 69F/70F. I decided to turn it up to 74F and that was when I realized that our furnace has stopped working. Even with the fan on the “On” position, there’s no air coming out of the vents.
I was just starting to wonder if I was getting ill and thus feeling cold. At least now I know that it’s because our furnace has broken down. Thank goodness the weather is actually warming up this week and it’s 49F right now as I’m writing this blog.
Our furnace also broke down last year, in the middle of winter. It was very early in the morning and I was freezing so badly and I was going into hypothermia. I didn’t think there was something wrong with our furnace because there was still air coming out of the vents, so I just assumed that I wasn’t well. It was only around 2-3 hours later that I did more investigation and thinking, and realized that the air coming out of the vents were icy cold, regardless of how high I turn the thermostat setting to.
And of course, as we all know, this is when everyone’s furnace decides to stop working. Thank goodness it was on a weekday, and considered to be an urgent issue so I think I got a call back a few hours later, and it was fixed much later on in the day.
I texted the owner just now and he asked me to call HomeSmart, which I did right away. The agent took down my details and said that a provider should be giving me a call soon, but if I still don’t receive a call by tomorrow morning, then to call back again. Tomorrow morning??? ๐ฅถ I’m just grateful that it’s not freezing right now….. Pray that it’ll get fixed very very soon today, fingers crossed……
11/07/21 pm: Technician said that the motherboard needs to be replaced. He’s not sure when it’ll arrive, he’ll give me an update tomorrow. He managed to start the fan while he was there but it stopped after he left. I then tried the central A/C and the fan kicked on again. I texted him to let him know and he said that he still thinks that it’s a problem with the furnace’s motherboard. Thank goodness it’ll be a warm week this week, knock on wood! I went to buy a space heater for my room for now.
Well, actually, my husband has the fancy expensive Dyson cool/heat fan in his room. I didn’t have since I tend to be on the warm side. They didn’t sell it at Bed, Bath and Beyond, so I bought a much cheaper Lasko ceramic space heater and exchanged it with him. He doesn’t know about it yet, but I’ll let him know and thank him when he comes home just now. ๐
11/09/21 (Tues):
A different technician came by and after fumbling for an hour, said that it’s the wrong part. They’ll have to order it and it may take days to arrive. ๐
After hearing, I decided to go back to Bed, Bath and Beyond to purchase another space heater for downstairs, since it’s going to get colder and colder throughout the week, and we don’t know when our furnace will get fixed.
11/10/21 (Wed):
I got a call from the furnace repair company at 7.48am saying that they got the correct part and now the technician will arrive between 8am – 12pm. It’s really like very short notice but, hey, I’ll take it!
The same technician from Sunday came by and said that the technician from yesterday kinda of got confused with how to install the part, that it’s actually the correct part.
Thank goodness after about an hour, it seems to be fixed now! Fingers crossed!!! ๐ค
