It has finally happened. My husband has asked me for a divorce.
I have been wanting to ask for a divorce for a long time now, but have been scared of doing so. A major reason being that I am scared that my family (especially my father) will turn against me. I am also scared of being judged by society as being a “divorced” woman. I don’t know what life will be like being all alone by myself after being married for so long, and I don’t feel financially secure to be on my own.
We have basically been living separate lives for a long time now. The Covid pandemic magnified how truly incompatible we are with each other, since we no longer went out to eat on the weekends or go anywhere that’s non-essential.
I see him for about a minute a day when he comes home from work to greet him, and then leave and go run errands on my own. He irons in the living room for about 20 minutes on Sundays while I sit in front of my desk in the dining room. Sometimes, I’m also gone running errands while he’s ironing. So, we see each other for about a minute a day, that’s 7 minutes a week, and 30 minutes a month. We are more distant than roommates are with each other.
How did we get to this place? I think it was around March of this year that I finally decided to do an experiment. I wanted to see what would happen if I stopped being the one taking the initiative to try and find conversations with him? Even when I had been doing so, he wasn’t appreciate of it and I struggled to even be able to speak to him for 5 minutes. So, I finally decided to find out about the truth with our marriage. If I stopped putting in all the effort to connect, will he be willing to put in some effort himself, or will it just be the end for us? I’ve been doing this for over 13 years now. I feel totally unappreciated and exhausted emotionally. I can’t continue to do this for another 40 or 50 years. I need to know that I’m not the only person who is putting in all the work to keep this marriage from falling apart completely.
I’m glad I did that experiment because I found out that he was not willing to do any work that is required to make this marriage work. It was as if the 13.5 years of me trying for us to find conversations to talk about and to connect was for nothing. In fact, I wonder now if he felt annoyed of all the time wasted talking to me for the past 13.5 years.
Yesterday was a complete “Tower” moment for the both of us. He knocked on my bedroom door at around 4am and woke me up. I was still half-sleep and unsure of what was going on. He said that he wanted to show me a photo. He showed me a photo on his phone of his car, all beaten up, in the ditch.
He was driving in between his workplaces and got hit from behind. He was on the slow lane on I-494, then a sedan drove at a high speed and hit him hard from behind. His car swerved all the way to the median divider between I-494-N and I-494-S, and then swerved all the way back to the slow lane, and then went down the ditch.
I was in shock and wasn’t sure what to make of it. But, at least I can see him standing right in front of me with all his limbs moving, seemingly normal, and talking in a normal manner, so I didn’t freak out too much.
He then said that he’s going to take a shower and go back to work. I told him to just take a shower and then lie down and get some rest but he said that he’s feeling too tense right now to sleep, so he just wants to go back to work. I realized that once again, he just numbs himself emotionally; not ever allowing himself to heal from a traumatic encounter, and just wants to shove all those unresolved emotions into a dark hole and plunge himself back to his work. I told him that this is not how to live life!
His car got totaled and towed away. So we only have my car left now. While he’s taking his shower, I went downstairs to make sure that he has my car key fob, since he’ll have to drive my car to work. His backpack is like a junk yard. I dread trying to find something in there as he doesn’t even bother to cover up sharp objects inside his backpack (like a pencil sticking upwards) and I’ve injured myself on occasion trying to find something from his backpack. But, I wanted to make sure that my spare key fob is in his backpack so I opened it, and to my horror, I saw a can of empty beer and three cans of unopened ones.
I had been suspecting that he has started drinking again but whenever I ask him, he gets upset at me and tells me that he has not. So, I can’t do anything about it unless I have proof that he’s drinking again.
The officer that handled his car accident kindly took him home and I now realize that the reason he wanted to go back to work right away is to consume his alcohol. After he finished showering, I told him that we have to talk. I guess he figured that since he already got caught red handed, he might as well just drink as much as he wants to now. So he said to me that he wants a divorce. He said that he has been thinking about it for a long time now. He had been checking online about getting a divorce and had wanted to print out the divorce application papers a few times, but stopped because work got in the way, or something else did. He said that the past year has been really bad between us and he doesn’t want this anymore.
They say that when you see life flashing before your eyes, you finally realize what is most important to you. I guess when his car went down the ditch, and he thought that he was going to die, he realized that the most important thing to him is to be freed from this unhappy marriage.
To his credit, I actually respect him for this, as we both do not want to be the “bad” person, the one asking for the divorce. I don’t know whether he finally did it because he could no longer take it anymore, or if he did it so that I can finally be set free, but regardless, I am thankful to him for doing this.
My parents, especially my dad, will not allow me to ask for a divorce, and if I force it, then I’m afraid my dad my judge me until the day he passes away. I think my mom will finally accept it, but she will also judge me nonetheless. My husband asking for it will spare me from being judged too harshly by my family, and by society. I will still be judged for not being the “good” wife, not being able to make him happy, to keep a marriage. But, at least, I won’t be judged as being a cold, heartless woman who decided to leave her husband.
He is a fair man. He has always been generous financial-wise towards me in our marriage, so I know that we’ll be able to work out the details regarding that. Knock on wood…
I asked him more details regarding his drinking. He said that he has started drinking again since a year ago. I only let him use credit cards and show me itemized receipts to see exactly what he has bought. But over the years, he still managed to find some cash here and there to buy alcohol. I asked him how did he do it this time? and for a year??? How the Universe likes to play cruel jokes on us! Turns out that the company he works for as an independent contractor has their fridge constantly stocked up with alcohol. His coworkers drink beers at work and think nothing of it.
This is honestly the first time in my life that I have heard of such a thing. I have never in my wildest dreams imagine that this could happen. I asked him why has he started drinking again? He said that it’s because he’s an alcoholic and the alcohol is freely available for him to consume all the time. Well, at least he’s finally admitting that he’s an alcoholic!
I asked him if he was drinking when he got hit but he said no. I told him people probably drink and drive 100 times before getting caught with a DUI. He’s lucky that he’s only had three, so far. Which means, that he had been drunk driving for at least 300 times in the past. And this was back in California in 2010. I don’t know how many times he has been drunk driving since then. I don’t know what the statistics are of being caught drunk driving either? Maybe it’s getting caught once in 1000 times instead, who knows?
I told him that if he wants a divorce because he wants to be happy, then doesn’t he also want to live a healthy life? He said that he doesn’t know what he wants, he just knows that he doesn’t want “This”, anymore.
I asked him if he has watched “Leaving Las Vegas”? He said that he has, for many times. I told him that he is a “functional” alcoholic, until he no longer is. I asked him if he wanted to end up like the character in “Leaving Las Vegas”? He didn’t say anything.
After his third DUI back in 2010, I completely broke down. I also found out at the time that he was seeing someone else. I wanted to leave him, but then he started to get ill, and we found out that he had a pituitary microadenoma. We were told many years later after doing two more brain MRI scans that he just had a developmental anomaly, that it’s not a tumor. However, back then, he had to go to jail, and his driver’s license was revoked once again. How could I possibly leave him in that state? What kind of person would I be to do so? So I stayed, and I got ill, not just emotionally, but physically as well. It was the final blow to my health that I’m still struggling with. I’m still struggling all these years to try and pick myself up again, and to find back my energy and stamina to lead a productive life.
I told him that if he truly wants to be freed from this marriage, then he has to stop drinking! Otherwise, if he gets his fourth DWI, and his driver’s license gets revoked again, then he will be crawling back to me, begging me to stay with him, so that I can drive him around again, and take care him. And I wouldn’t be able to say no to that because I am not a cold-hearted person. I told him that he needs to stop drinking and especially stop drinking and driving for good, in order for us to be freed from one another!
These are my thoughts so far… Maybe I’m still in some state of shock…
He hasn’t been able to bring in much income from his independent contracting work for a few months now, and now we need to buy him another car. Just another major expense we have to deal with.
However, I just remind myself that I am very thankful that he is alive, and seems to be okay, besides having some minor injuries. I pray that this is so…
Some of the things that has happened in my life are almost impossible for me to be imagine to be true. Did I really go through this for the past 13.5 years? Was I really in a physically abusive relationship for years? Was I really raped by my ex? It almost seems like this only happens in movies! Did all this really happen to me?
I Hope You Dance
Songwriters: Sanders Mark Daniel / Sillers Tia M
I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger,
May you never take one single breath for granted,
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed,
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you’ll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.
I hope you dance… I hope you dance…I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,
Never settle for the path of least resistance,
Livin’ might mean takin’ chances, but they’re worth takin’,
Lovin’ might be a mistake, but it’s worth makin’,
Don’t let some Hell bent heart leave you bitter,
When you come close to sellin’ out reconsider,
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.
I hope you dance… I hope you dance.
I hope you dance… I hope you dance.
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,
Tell me who wants to look back on their years
And wonder where those years have gone.)I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you’ll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.
Dance… I hope you dance.
I hope you dance… I hope you dance.
I hope you dance… I hope you dance.
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,
Tell me who wants to look back on their years
And wonder where those years have gone.)