🌺 Journal

💭 Thoughts for June 2022 🌺

by
  • Theme for the Month:
  • 🌷 Self-Love! ❤️
  • This is a wonderful month for offering the gift of service. Every day I find a way to express patience, encouragement, support, forgiveness, or appreciation. I find fulfillment in blessing those around me.
  • Affirmations for the Month:
  • 🌼 I Allow Myself Time to Heal.
  • 🌼 Today, and Everyday, I Choose Joy!
  • 🌼 One Day at a Time, One Step at a Time!
  • Sunday (05/29/22):
  • I love others and know that they are doing the best they can.
  • Monday (05/30/22):
  • I share kind, loving thoughts with everyone.
  • Tuesday (05/31/22):
  • My day begins and ends with gratitude.
  • Wednesday (06/01/22):
  • I love the great outdoors. I am at peace with the weather, whatever it may be!
  • I am aware of my feelings and identify them, often in the moment. I know the difference between my thoughts and my feelings.
  • (Have difficulty identifying what they are feeling).
  • I act with courage and strength.
  • Thursday (06/02/22):
  • I easily let go of everything I no longer need.
  • I embrace my feelings; they are valid and important.
  • (Minimize, alter, or deny how they truly feel).
  • Friday (06/03/22):
  • I release the need to blame anyone, including myself.
  • I know the difference between caring and caretaking. I recognize that caretaking others is often motivated by a need to benefit myself.
  • (Perceive themselves as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others).
  • I am expressing the best of who I am.
  • Saturday (06/04/22):
  • I trust my future to be bright, always.
  • I am able to feel compassion for another’s feelings and needs.
  • (Lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others).
  • Sunday (06/05/22):
  • Others are different, not wrong. We are all one.
  • I acknowledge that I may own the negative traits I often perceive in others.
  • (Label others with their negative traits).
  • Monday (06/06/22):
  • Today and every day I am free to be me!
  • I acknowledge that I sometimes need the help of others.
  • (Think they can take care of themselves without any help from others).
  • I am safe and grounded.
  • Tuesday (06/07/22):
  • I now make positive changes concerning my health.
  • I am aware of my painful feelings and express them appropriately.
  • (Mask pain in various ways such as anger, humor, or isolation).
  • I attract people who treat me with respect.
  • Wednesday (06/08/22):
  • I can express my feelings openly, directly, and calmly.
  • (Express negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways).
  • There is enough time and space for everything I want to do.
  • I make my own decisions with confidence and conviction.
  • Thursday (06/09/22):
  • As I change my thoughts, the world around me changes.
  • I pursue intimate relationships only with others who want, and are able to engage in, healthy and loving relationships.
  • (Do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom they are attracted).
  • I am fully open to giving and receiving love.
  • Friday (06/10/22):
  • I know that small events can bring great good into my life.
  • I trust my ability to make effective decisions.
  • (Have difficulty making decisions).
  • I am an important voice in the world and my voice is heard.
  • Saturday (06/11/22):
  • I take excellent care of my body. I cherish and revere the temple I live in.
  • I accept myself as I am. I emphasize progress over perfection.
  • (Judge what they think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough).
  • Sunday (06/12/22):
  • Today I look forward to what each new hour brings.
  • I feel appropriately worthy of the recognition, praise, or gifts I receive.
  • (Are embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts).
  • I am pure energy resonating with what I choose to focus on.
  • Monday (06/13/22):
  • I live in a safe and secure world, so I move through it fearlessly.
  • I value the opinions of those I trust, without needing to gain their approval. I have confidence in myself.
  • (Value others’ approval of their thinking, feelings, and behavior over their own).
  • I am nourished and supported by Mother Earth.
  • Tuesday (06/14/22):
  • I get the help I need, when I need it, from various sources. My support system is strong and loving.
  • I recognize myself as being a lovable and valuable person.
  • (Do not perceive themselves as lovable or worthwhile persons).
  • I am a lovable and desirable being.
  • Wednesday (06/15/22):
  • I live each day to the fullest!
  • I seek my own approval first, and examine my motivations carefully when I seek approval from others.
  • (Seek recognition and praise to overcome feeling less than).
  • I give myself permission to be my authentic self.
  • Thursday (06/16/22):
  • I move freely and easily, knowing that each moment is new and special.
  • I continue to take my personal inventory, and when I am wrong, promptly admit it.
  • (Have difficulty admitting a mistake).
  • I create loving and supporting relationships.
  • Friday (06/17/22):
  • I am very good at giving encouragement and positive feedback to others.
  • I am honest with myself about my behaviors and motivations. I feel secure enough to admit mistakes to myself and others, and to hear their opinions without feeling threatened.
  • (Need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and may even lie to look good).
  • I live in my truth, I communicate truth, I AM the truth.
  • Saturday (06/18/22):
  • Today I choose to send loving, healing energy to the whole planet. I know this makes a positive difference.
  • I meet my own needs and wants when possible. I reach out for help when it’s necessary and appropriate.
  • (Are unable to identify or ask for what they need and want).
  • I nurture my spirit and am in tune with its need.
  • Sunday (06/19/22):
  • I now accept and appreciate the abundant life the Universe offers me.
  • I perceive myself as equal to others.
  • (Perceive themselves as superior to others).
  • I am right where I need to be to fulfill my soul purpose.
  • Monday (06/20/22):
  • With the help of my Higher Power, I create safety in my life.
  • (Look to others to provide their sense of safety).
  • Tuesday (06/21/22):
  • I avoid procrastination by meeting my responsibilities in a timely manner.
  • (Have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects).
  • I allow creativity to flow through me freely.
  • Wednesday (06/22/22):
  • I joyfully keep my inner child safe at the center of my being. I love and cherish my inner child.
  • I am able to establish and uphold healthy priorities and boundaries in my life.
  • (Have trouble setting healthy priorities and boundaries).
  • I forgive myself for past mistakes and grow from them.
  • Thursday (06/23/22):
  • I treat others the way I wish to be treated. All my relationships are thriving.
  • I am committed to my safety and leave situations that feel unsafe or are inconsistent with my goals.
  • (Are extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long).
  • I deeply, and completely, love and accept myself.
  • Friday (06/24/22):
  • Whenever I need anything, I know that it will be provided.
  • I am rooted in my own values, even if others don’t agree or become angry.
  • (Compromise their own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger).
  • I always express myself with clear intent.
  • Saturday (06/25/22):
  • I am working to find a harmonious solution to my problems.
  • I consider my interests and feelings when asked to participate in another’s plans.
  • (Put aside their own interests in order to do what others want).
  • I choose to tap into my inner wisdom.
  • Sunday (06/26/22):
  • My home fulfills all my needs and desires. I fill it with the vibration of love.
  • I can separate my feelings from the feelings of others. I allow myself to experience my feelings and others to be responsible for their feelings.
  • (Are hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings).
  • I am open to guidance from the Universe.
  • Monday (06/27/22):
  • Peace begins with me. The more peaceful I am inside, the more peace I have to share with others.
  • I respect my own opinions and feelings and express them appropriately.
  • (Are afraid to express their beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others).
  • Tuesday (06/28/22):
  • I have excellent, loving, warm, open communication with every member of my family.
  • My sexuality is grounded in genuine intimacy and connection. When I need to feel loved, I express my heart’s desires. I do not settle for sex without love.
  • (Accept sexual attention when they want love).
  • I am spontaneous and I allow my senses to guide me.
  • Wednesday (06/29/22):
  • I recognize that I am the source of my happiness.
  • I ask my Higher Power for guidance, and consider possible consequences before I make decisions.
  • (Make decisions without regard to the consequences).
  • Thursday (06/30/22):
  • I am willing to release what is no longer necessary in my life.
  • I stand in my truth and maintain my integrity, whether others approve or not, even if it means making difficult changes in my life.
  • (Give up their truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change).
  • It is safe for me to love and be loved.

🌄 Amazing Grace ~ My Chains are Gone 🌹

by

Resentment is like drinking poison

and waiting for the other person to die

~ Saint Augustine

The section on “Forgiveness” in my Divorce Care workbook talks about understanding bitterness and forgiveness. It says that bitterness is like the clog in the drain, and forgiveness is the Drano.

Amazing Grace ~ My Chains are Gone – Pentatonix

Ever since I attended the Divorce Care support group which is sponsored by church organizations, I’ve been feeling closer to God and want to understand him at a deeper level.

Christianity speaks of God sending his one and only beloved son Jesus Christ, who died on the cross, to take away our sins so that we can be forgiven. God wants us to forgive others because He provides forgiveness for us. He knows that holding on to hurts from others will only hurt us more, so He wants us to forgive. When we forgive, we are driving bitterness from our lives and replacing it with godly and healthy qualities.

Forgiveness equals Freedom. Forgiveness does Not equal Condoning. Forgiveness is the releasing of our rights to get even with the person.

The workbook talks about praying for someone as soon as we start dwelling on how that person has hurt us.

I recite the Lord’s Prayer (along with my Buddhist meditation prayer) every morning and strive every day to forgive the wrongs that have been done to me. Does that make me a Saint? Far from it. I have on occasions surprised others when I become very angry. It mostly stems from when I feel that great injustice has been done to me, or if the person keeps on doing the same hurtful thing to me over and over again.

I am usually the sweetest and kindest person on this earth, so when I become very angry, many people, especially those who do not know me well, can not handle it. They don’t know how someone so sweet and kind can suddenly turn so mean and angry? What they do not know is that I constantly get taken advantage of, especially because I am very kind and trusting. Yet, I still wear my heart on my sleeve, and I still want to believe in the goodness of every person, because I do not want to turn into an angry, bitter person. But there just comes a time, when I can not take it anymore, when I just can not understand why people want to take advantage of my kind nature? Why can’t they just reciprocate in kind naturally, instead of viewing me as easy prey?

After being screwed over so badly by my soon-to-be ex-husband for so long, I told myself that he is the last person that will ever take advantage of my kind nature again. It’s very difficult having to be on guard towards others because that is not my nature. I need to put in the effort to remind myself that I can not be too trusting of others, and that there are truly people in this world with bad intentions towards others.

At the same time, I remind myself that I hurt other people as well, be it inadvertently, or due to hurt and anger. I also ask every day to be forgiven of my sins, by the grace of God.

Amazing Grace ~ My Chains are Gone

~ Pentatonix

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I’m found
Was blind, but now I see

‘Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed

My chains are gone
I’ve been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood, His mercy rains
Unending love, Amazing grace

The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures

My chains are gone
I’ve been set free (been set free)
My God, my Savior has ransomed me (ransomed me)
And like a flood (like a flood) His mercy rains (mercy rains)
Unending love, oh, Amazing grace

The Earth shall soon dissolve like snow
The sun forbear to shine
But God, Who called me here below
Will be forever mine

My chains are gone
I’ve been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood, His mercy rains
Unending love, Amazing grace (grace)

I once was lost, but now I’m found
Was blind (was blind), but now (but now) I see

🐝 Honeybee 🌷

by

‘Honeybee’ really captures the idea of living the end of your life with some regret – realizing you have been living a life complacent with the familiar – maybe even taking the person closest to you for granted and regretting not expressing your love towards them until it’s too late.” – Charity Rose

🐝 Honeybee 🌷 ~ The Head and the Heart

🐝 Honeybee 🌷

~ The Head and the Heart

Honeybee
Could you imagine where our lives would lead?
That silly ring, it wasn’t meant to be
Luckily you saw in me
Something I couldn’t see

Honeybee
I can’t imagine how my life would be
If all your gravity did not hit me
Oh, don’t you see?
Darling, my honeybee

But here we are
After all the misses and confessions
To the stars
That we never really owned as ours

And if our world comes tumbling down
I never could forgive myself for leaving out
You’re the one, you are the only one

Such a fool
I took your love and I bent all the rules
You took the blow and didn’t let it show
Stuck around to let me know
Built a family of our own

Look around
We made a garden of the love we found
So many reasons I would fight to stay
You’re the courage when I fade
Take a look at what we’ve made

But here we are
After all the misses and confessions
To the stars
That we never really owned as ours

And if our world comes tumbling down
I never could forgive myself for leaving out
You’re the one, you are the only one

Won’t you decide?
Won’t you decide?
I want you to soar
Don’t doubt anymore

Won’t you decide? (What’s your name?)
Won’t you decide?
(I hope you can hear me, I needed you near me)
I want you to soar (you save my life)
Don’t doubt anymore (let’s keep this between you and I)

And if our world comes tumbling down
I never could forgive myself for leaving out
And if our world comes tumbling down
(The world comes tumbling down)
I never could forgive myself, for leaving out
You’re the one, you are the only one

And if our world comes tumbling down
I never could forgive myself, I’ll say it now
You’re the one, you are the only one

Source(s): Genius

😃 Viva La Vida ~ Long Live Life! 💐

by

This song was released just a few days before my husband and I got married. The company he was working for was achieving overnight success and we drove to San Diego to attend a medical device conference where they had a booth marketing their patent invention. They just had millions of dollars poured in and they’re looking to attract more investors so that they can eventually market their product to the public.

Viva La Vida ~ Coldplay

I still vividly remember hearing this song playing on the radio while we’re driving down to San Diego in his fancy blue sports car. He decided to take a few days off so that we can also celebrate our honeymoon while we’re down there.

When he was at work, I took the San Diego Trolley and visited various scenic spots in San Diego. I took the scenic Pacific Ocean route, I toured downtown San Diego, and I also went to the border between US and Mexico. It was relaxing and I had so much fun!

When he was off work, we went on the San Diego Harbor Cruise and passed by the Coronado Island, the Naval Base, and many other famous landmarks in San Diego. We went to the San Diego County Fair at the Del Mar Fairgrounds and hopped on this really exciting ride where my husband and I sat inside a “ball” and we were thrown up into the air and all over while being videotaped. I was screaming my lungs out so loudly! After we finished the ride and were ready to get off, they told us to get back up again for free! I guess my loud screaming was great advertisement for them and since it wasn’t at a busy time, they wanted me to do more advertisement for them! 😝 We went to fancy restaurants at night and had so much fun. It was a romantic and fun honeymoon. I had such a great time! 😍

Fast-forward to September 2019… My husband’s medical device company suffered various huge blows and the board members finally decided to dissolve the company. We were going through a survival crisis and my husband was also going through an identity and mid-life crisis at the same time.

He screamed at me more than once saying that he knows that I will leave him, and no amount of reassurance on my part can make him stop thinking that. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy. He had already decided in his mind that I will leave him sooner or later, so he started pushing me away in all ways possible ~ both physically and emotionally. This is the power of the human mind; what you believe in strongly, you will act accordingly, you will achieve the desired outcome eventually. Thus, he will not stop pushing me away until I leave him eventually and that is when his anxiety regarding this can eventually stop.

Even though we have a lot of personality differences and personality clashes, but I know that he does love me. There is a saying that, “It’s because of love that we decided to be together, and it’s because now we truly understand each other that we decide to move apart”. We both know that we are unhappy being together. We just don’t connect on the same wavelength even though we love each other. When you truly love someone, set them free and let them be happy. It’s hard to let go, but it’s easier knowing that it’s for the highest good for the both of us.

Just like the lyrics in this song which says that, “Next the walls were closed on me. And I discovered that my castles stand, Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand”…, it is never easy to release someone you love from your life. However, I feel comfort knowing that we will both be more happy.

I asked him a few weeks ago why did he secretly withdraw a huge amount of money from our joint bank account, just a few days before he asked for the divorce, but then put it back into our account immediately? He said that he changed his mind. I guess he still wasn’t 100% sure that he wanted to ask me for a divorce, so he still didn’t want to betray me. However, as fate would have it, a few days later, his car got totaled and I found out that he had been drinking again for a year. That was when he asked for the divorce. I guess at that point, he figured that I will not forgive him again for drinking again and for lying to be about it for so long, so he just decided to bring it up himself. A few days after he asked for divorce, he started to take out huge amounts of money from our joint bank account, and then when I put a stop to it, he applied for the huge loan secretly.

When I found out about the huge loan he took and gave to the other woman, I told him that I feel so hurt and angry for all the wrongs he has done to me. I asked him if he felt any remorse towards what he has done to me especially for the past year? He said to me, “Yes, and that’s why I’m running away from you…”. Sigh…

I am slowly beginning to forgive him for the hurt and pain he has caused me in the past. I am also starting to recognize my role in the dissolution of this marriage. It takes two to tango. I also played a role in the demise of this marriage. I also ask for his forgiveness for the hurt and pain that I have caused him in the past. We did have many good times together. I am grateful for that, and I will treasure those happy memories forever…

I just realized last night that even though we hardly even see each other or speak to each other, but I feel safer just knowing that there’s someone else at home. I need to be strong now, and start getting used to living on my own…

I’ve just realized that there is still so much healing I need to do…

Viva La Vida

~ Coldplay

I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning I sleep alone
Sweep the streets I used to own

I used to roll the dice
Feel the fear in my enemy’s eyes
Listened as the crowd would sing,
“Now the old king is dead! Long live the king!”
One minute I held the key
Next the walls were closed on me
And I discovered that my castles stand
Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand

I hear Jerusalem bells a-ringing
Roman cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can’t explain
Once you’d gone there was never
Never an honest word
And that was when I ruled the world

It was a wicked and wild wind
Blew down the doors to let me in
Shattered windows and the sound of drums
People couldn’t believe what I’d become
Revolutionaries wait
For my head on a silver plate
Just a puppet on a lonely string
Oh who would ever want to be king?

I hear Jerusalem bells a-ringing
Roman cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can’t explain
I know St. Peter won’t call my name
Never an honest word
But that was when I ruled the world

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh [5x]

Hear Jerusalem bells a-ringing
Roman cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can’t explain
I know St. Peter won’t call my name
Never an honest word
But that was when I ruled the world

😃 I Will Come Through! 💐

by

I’m starting to feel a bit better now about my longing for my sister… My sister has always wanted the best for me. I know that she wants me to live my best life; to be healthy, happy and well-loved.

Can you Comethru ~ Jeremy Zucker

Before taking off, the flight attendant will show you where the oxygen masks are and tell you that if needed, then you have to first put the oxygen mask on yourself, before helping others, including your own family. If you can not even help yourself, if you do not have the strength and health to be productive, then how can you possibly help others?

I’ve realized that the best and only way for me to help my sister is for me to get better myself first ~ to be healthy, happy and have financial stability. Only then will I have the resources required in order to support her.

Just like the lyrics in this song which says that, “I’m trying to realize. It’s alright to not be fine on your own…”, It’s alright that I’m not feeling 100% fine. None of us ever are. We all have to learn the lessons in life, and most importantly, how to manage our emotions as our life circumstances change. Learn how to go with the flow….

I will come through! It will take time and patience, but in the end, I will come through! 😃

Comethru

~ Jeremy Zucker

I might lose my mind
Waking when the sun’s down
Riding all these highs
Waiting for the comedown
Walk these streets with me
I’m doing decently
Just glad that I can breathe, yeah

I’m trying to realize
It’s alright to not be fine on your own

Now I’m shaking, drinking all this coffee
These last few weeks have been exhausting
I’m lost in my imagination
And there’s one thing that I need from you
Can you come through, through?
Through, yeah
And there’s one thing that I need from you
Can you come through?

Ain’t got much to do
Too old for my hometown
Went to bed at noon
Couldn’t put my phone down
Scrolling patiently
It’s all the same to me
Just faces on a screen, yeah

I’m trying to realize
It’s alright to not be fine on your own

Now I’m shaking, drinking all this coffee
These last few weeks have been exhausting
I’m lost in my imagination
And there’s one thing that I need from you
Can you come through, through?
Through, yeah
And there’s one thing that I need from you

Can you come
Through, through
Through, yeah
And there’s one thing that I need from you
Can you come through?

💗 Memories 🌷

by

I heard this song playing at my chiropractor’s office this afternoon. On “Memories” by “Maroon 5”, Adam Levine is addressing a close friend whom he has been separated from for some time that he misses very much. He has been devoid of the company of this loved one for so long and is now forced to rely on ‘memories’ of the two of them being together.

Memories ~ Maroon 5

It has brought back so many memories of my past ~ of my loved ones, my pets, and most of all… my sister. I miss my sister so much, it tears my heart into pieces. I’m so scared to think of my sister, because I’ve had such wonderful memories with her and we have such a close bond, but that bond is no longer there anymore. It’s not because we no longer love each other, but because my sister’s mind is not what it used to be. It’s been like this for so long now…

Sometimes, my brain tells me that I no longer feel that deep connection with her, but my heart tells me otherwise. My heart tells me that our love for each other is so deep that nothing will ever tear us apart. She is my soulmate, my best friend. She loves me unconditionally and accepts me exactly as I am. She sees the beauty within me that I don’t even see myself.

When I came back to Taiwan from the UK, after deciding to stop being a dentist, I had a severe allergic reaction to a facial cream and my entire face had breakouts all over, which lasted for months. I felt so embarrassed that I didn’t want to get out of the house during the day. I only went out at night, hoping that people won’t notice me in the dark. My parents jokingly said that I’ve now become an owl. My sister told me that when she looks at me, she does not see the hundreds of breakouts on my face, she only sees that sweet, loving, dear me. I was so touched, I will never forget what she said to me that day.

She does not belong in this world, she is too good for this world. She is so loving, kind, generous, sweet, compassionate and trusting. And yet, she now has to stay in a psychiatric institution for life. My heart breaks when I think about that, so I dare not think. I dare not miss her. I dare not remember all our times together, and all the sweet memories we’ve shared since childhood.

I’m so scared to think of my sister. I’m so scared to miss her. We’ve shared such wonderful memories together, just thinking of them makes me long to be with her again. And yet, most of the time, she lives in this fantasy world where she talks to her fairies and thinks that she runs the psychiatric institution. She stands up for the other patients and oftentimes she ends up getting punished for doing that. e.g. if a patient gets tied up for doing something bad, she’ll go and untie the patient, and then she ends up getting tied up herself. She can’t stand injustice. I also can’t stand injustice. However, I don’t have the kind of courage that she has. If it was me, I wouldn’t dare go and untie the patient, knowing that I will get punished for doing that. I respect her for her courage so much, but then I also feel so mad at her for not knowing how to protect her own interests first. And all this for what? That patient still gets tied up again, and now so has she!

I just realized now that my love and longing for my sister may be a major reason I’ve always ended up in either abusive relationships or relationships where I feel that I need to ‘rescue’ the other person, e.g. with his addiction. Since I love my sister so much, but she has this lifelong psychiatric illness that started when she was 18, I think in my mind, I just associated true love with pain & suffering. And of course, I can’t help but to subconsciously feel being abandoned by my sister since she hardly has any lucid moments anymore, so I can not even have a heart-to-heart conversation with her, like we used to. This has also triggered my sense of abandonment. That the one person that I love so much and who loves me equally so, will just end up abandoning me for good.

I love my sister so much, and that’s why it hurts so bad. I miss her so much. Why was I gifted with my best friend since I was a child, just to have her mind taken away by this psychiatric illness? Why is life so unfair? Why did this have to happen to her? Why doesn’t bad things happen to bad people? Why does bad things happen to kind, loving people like my sister? Why?!!!!!

She was also accepted into dental school, and she was also accepted into architecture school. She is so intelligent, creative, and artistic. She drew post-impressionism paintings just like van Gogh. I feel that she’s just like van Gogh ~ an artistic genius tormented by too many creative thoughts in her mind. Sigh…..

Thinking back, my dissociation started around two years ago, when my parents finally made the painful decision to place her in a psychiatric institution for life after her second failed suicide attempt. I think this huge blow to my heart also played an enormous role to me dissociating again. I cried every single day for months and finally, I just wanted to numb myself. I guess the dissociation in a way freezes my thoughts to help me numb my feelings. However, numbing them is only a temporary relief because whenever something reminds me of my sister, I start crying a lot.

Memories… what do I do with all these precious, loving and happy memories I have with my sister? What do I do with them? They cause me so much pain because they remind me of what I will never be able to experience with her again.

I miss you so much. I wish we never had to grow up. I wish you never got ill. I wish I could experience all those happy moments with you again. I’m so scared to face you. I feel so guilty that you are in a psychiatric institution for life and yet I am unable to help you. I want to take care of you but I don’t know how. I want to accept you as who you are now, but I can’t. I miss the old you so much. Please forgive me that I still can not accept you as who you are now. I am trying, please be patient with me. I love you so much, this hurts so much. I miss you so much…

Memories

~ Maroon 5

Here’s to the ones that we got
Cheers to the wish you were here, but you’re not
‘Cause the drinks bring back all the memories
Of everything we’ve been through
Toast to the ones here today
Toast to the ones that we lost on the way
‘Cause the drinks bring back all the memories
And the memories bring back, memories bring back you

There’s a time that I remember, when I did not know no pain
When I believed in forever, and everything would stay the same
Now my heart feel like December when somebody say your name
‘Cause I can’t reach out to call you, but I know I will one day, yeah

Everybody hurts sometimes
Everybody hurts someday, ayy ayy
But everything gon’ be alright
Go and raise a glass and say, ayy

Here’s to the ones that we got
Cheers to the wish you were here, but you’re not
‘Cause the drinks bring back all the memories
Of everything we’ve been through
Toast to the ones here today
Toast to the ones that we lost on the way
‘Cause the drinks bring back all the memories
And the memories bring back, memories bring back you

Doo doo, doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo
Memories bring back, memories bring back you

There’s a time that I remember when I never felt so lost
When I felt all of the hatred was too powerful to stop (ooh, yeah)
Now my heart feel like an ember and it’s lighting up the dark
I’ll carry these torches for ya that you know I’ll never drop, yeah

Everybody hurts sometimes
Everybody hurts someday, ayy ayy
But everything gon’ be alright
Go and raise a glass and say, ayy

Here’s to the ones that we got (oh)
Cheers to the wish you were here, but you’re not
‘Cause the drinks bring back all the memories
Of everything we’ve been through (no, no)
Toast to the ones here today (ayy)
Toast to the ones that we lost on the way
‘Cause the drinks bring back all the memories (ayy)
And the memories bring back, memories bring back you

Doo doo, doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo
Memories bring back, memories bring back you
Doo doo, doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo (ooh, yeah)
Memories bring back, memories bring back you

Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, doh, doh
Memories bring back, memories bring back you

Source(s): https://www.songmeaningsandfacts.com/maroon-5s-memories-lyrics-meaning/

💖 Tomorrow Will Be Even Better!

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The 2022 just came out now to support countries that are still suffering from the Covid pandemic. I first journaled on this topic on June 1st, 2021. I’m journaling on this topic almost a year later.

2022 ~ 明天會更好

So much have changed since then… I’m getting divorced. I had a concussion in January. I’m getting my neuro-psychological testing in 2 hours. I had my first one done after my concussion back in 2019, and that was when it was discovered that I had PTSD.

I was looking back at the 2019 neuro-psychological testing report just now. I’m still struggling with the same issues. I had started counseling for my PTSD in 2019 after finding out that I had untreated PTSD, but then stopped after a month because the company that my husband worked for for 13 years went under.

I started getting counseling again in September of 2021, and thankfully, I’m still going to my weekly sessions for over 6 months now. My dissociation symptoms are so much better now. I’m still struggling a lot especially with this new concussion and my divorce.

However, I have faith that Tomorrow Will Be Better!

June 1st, 2021:

The Taiwanese version of ‘We are the World’! 😊 This is a very stressful week for me. I just pray that Today Will Be Great! and that Tomorrow Will Be Even Better! 🌼

明天會更好 Tomorrow Will Be Better!

明天會更好 Tomorrow Will Be Even Better!

作詞：羅大佑、張大春、許乃勝、李壽全、邱復生、張艾嘉、詹宏志

作曲：羅大佑

編曲：陳志遠

輕輕敲醒沉睡的心靈　慢慢張開你的眼睛
qīng qīng qiāo xǐng chénshuì de xīnlíng màn man zhāng kāi nǐ de yǎnjīng

Lightly awake your soul awake from its sleep

Slowly, open your eyes

看那忙碌的世界是否依然孤獨地轉個不停
kàn nà mánglù de shìjiè shìfǒu yīrán gūdú dì zhuàn gè bù tíng

and watch whether the very busy earth

is still continuing to solitarily revolve without stopping

春風不解風情　吹動少年的心
chūnfēng bù jiě fēngqíng chuī dòng shàonián de xīn

The spring winds have failed to understand

how sentiment has affected the hearts of teenagers


讓昨日臉上的淚痕　隨記憶風乾了
ràng zuórì liǎn shàng de lèihén suí jìyì fēnggānle

Let the tear stains of yesterday

allow all the memories to dry up

抬頭尋找天空的翅膀　候鳥出現牠的影跡
táitóu xúnzhǎo tiānkōng de chìbǎng hòuniǎo chūxiàn tā de yǐng jī

Raise your head and seek the wings of heaven

Migratory birds have appeared

帶來遠處的飢荒無情的戰火 依然存在的消息
dài lái yuǎn chǔ de jīhuang wúqíng de zhànhuǒ yīrán cúnzài de xiāoxī

to bring over the still existing news of famine,

and the heartless flames of war from far away


玉山白雪飄零　燃燒少年的心
yùshān báixuě piāolíng ránshāo shàonián de xīn

On the Jade Mountain,

the scattering white snow burns a teenager’s heart


使真情溶化成音符　傾訴遙遠的祝福

shǐ zhēnqíng rónghuà chéng yīnfú qīngsù yáoyuǎn de zhùfú

Allowing the truest passion to dissolve into a musical note,

disclosing the blessings from afar.

唱出你的熱情　伸出你雙手
chàng chū nǐ de rèqíng shēn chū nǐ shuāng shǒu

Sing out your passion

and extend out both your hands
讓我擁抱著你的夢　讓我擁有你真心的面孔
ràng wǒ yǒngbàozhe nǐ de mèng ràng wǒ yǒngyǒu nǐ zhēnxīn de miànkǒng

to let me embrace your dreams.

Let me retain your most sincere face.
讓我們的笑容　充滿著青春的驕傲
ràng wǒmen de xiàoróng chōngmǎnzhe qīngchūn de jiāo’ào

Let our smiles

fill up the pride of youthfulness
為明天獻出虔誠的祈禱
wéi míngtiān xiàn chū qiánchéng de qídǎo

And give tomorrow our devout prayer

誰能不顧自己的家園　拋開記憶中的童年
shuí néng bùgù zìjǐ de jiāyuán pāo kāi jìyì zhōng de tóngnián

Who can ignore their homeland,

and cast aside childhood memories?
誰能忍心看他昨日的憂愁　帶走我們的笑容
shuí néng rěnxīn kàn tā zuórì de yōuchóu dài zǒu wǒmen de xiàoróng

Who can bear to see yesterday’s worries

take away our smiles?
青春不解紅塵　胭脂沾染了灰
qīngchūn bù jiě hóngchén yānzhī zhānrǎnle huī

Youthfulness cannot understand humanity,

rouge contaminated by dust
讓久違不見的淚水　滋潤了你的面容
ràng jiǔwéi bùjiàn de lèishuǐ zīrùnle nǐ de miànróng

Let the tears from long ago moisten

and nourish your countenance

唱出你的熱情　伸出你雙手
chàng chū nǐ de rèqíng shēn chū nǐ shuāng shǒu

Sing out your passion

and extend out both your hands
讓我擁抱著你的夢　讓我擁有你真心的面孔
ràng wǒ yǒngbàozhe nǐ de mèng ràng wǒ yǒngyǒu nǐ zhēnxīn de miànkǒng

to let me embrace your dreams

Let me retain your sincerest face
讓我們的笑容　充滿著青春的驕傲
ràng wǒmen de xiàoróng chōngmǎnzhe qīngchūn de jiāo’ào

Let our smiles

fill up the pride of youthfulness
為明天獻出虔誠的祈禱
wéi míngtiān xiàn chū qián chéng de qídǎo

Let us all await a better day tomorrow

輕輕敲醒沉睡的心靈　慢慢張開你的眼睛
qīng qīng qiāo xǐng chénshuì de xīnlíng màn man zhāng kāi nǐ de yǎnjīng

Lightly knock your soul aware from its sleep

Slowly, open your eyes
看那忙碌的世界是否依然孤獨地轉個不停
kàn nà mánglù de shìjiè shìfǒu yīrán gūdú dì zhuàn gè bù tíng

and watch whether the very busy earth

is still continuing to solitarily revolve without stopping
日出喚醒清晨　大地光彩重生
rì chū huànxǐng qīngchén dàdì guāngcǎi chóngshēng

The sunrise awakens the morning

and the earth is radiant with new life
讓和風拂出的音響　譜成生命的樂章
ràng héfēng fú chū de yīnxiǎng pǔ chéng shēngmìng de yuèzhāng

Letting the obscurely emerging sound

weave into life’s music

唱出你的熱情　伸出你雙手
chàng chū nǐ de rèqíng shēn chū nǐ shuāng shǒu

Sing out your passion

and extend out both your hands
讓我擁抱著你的夢　讓我擁有你真心的面孔
ràng wǒ yǒngbàozhe nǐ de mèng ràng wǒ yǒngyǒu nǐ zhēnxīn de miànkǒng

to let me embrace your dreams.

Let me retain your most sincere face
讓我們的笑容　充滿著青春的驕傲
ràng wǒmen de xiàoróng chōngmǎnzhe qīngchūn de jiāo’ào

Let our smiles

fill up the pride of youthfulness
讓我們期待明天會更好
ràng wǒmen qídài míngtiān huì gèng hǎo

Let us all await a better day tomorrow!

🕊️ Seabird ~ Fly Home! 🌺

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I have the attention span of a sparrow. There’s always creative juices flowing within and I’m always coming up with fun ideas to do. I’ve always been like this since I was a child. I’m smart, there’s no doubt about it and I have three educational degrees & various certificates to prove that. The downside of this is that it’s hard for me to follow through with what I’ve started…

Seabird ~ Babeheaven

It doesn’t help either that I’ve had two concussions within the past 3 years, the most recent one being in January of this year. The one I had in January 2019 happened outside the parking lot of a hotel. I slipped and fell on ice and hit the back of my head on the rock-hard ice! I dissociated and what I recall happened does not make sense as to what I think really happened anatomically. There’s no way for me to know for sure since no one was there to witness it when it happened.

At least my head hit the carpet for the one that just happened two months ago. My soon-to-be ex-husband was helping me apply the bandage dressing to my lipoma surgical wound (I had the lipoma removal surgery done towards the end of December 2021) and he said that I started to walk towards the door to leave before he could apply the surgical tape onto the bandage dressing. He said that after my head hit the carpet, I started to vomit and thank goodness he quickly turned my head to the side. Otherwise, I may have just choked on my own vomit and died of suffocation. Once again, what I thought happened was completely different from what he said happened to me, including the direction I fell and even the location that I fell backwards.

I went to a clinic specializing in people who have had concussions and did a series of tests for the past two months. I finally had my call with the physician this week to tell me about my test results and the treatment plan.

My main issues, besides having headaches and neck pain, is that I have balance issues and eye-brain coordination incongruency. This is why I can not read for long, I start to get really tired and have headaches not long after I start to read. I also can not focus for long, whereas in the past, if I’m really focused on doing something, I can go for hours non-stop.

Ever since my first concussion back in 2019, I have felt that I just can not function properly, nowhere near where I was before. The physician said it seems like I had already suffered from chronic post-concussion symptoms since my first fall 3 years ago, and the one I just had 2 months ago are now making things a lot worse for me.

I’ll be going for physical therapy for balance issues, and occupational therapy mainly to help my eye and brain to communicate properly again. The physician suggested that I go for PT and OT once a week but knowing how I get overwhelmed so easily, I plan on alternating them instead.

I’m doing a lot of work regarding my mind, body and spirit and I have been committing myself to learn a bit about stock trading each and every day. That’s my long term goal; to manage my investment portfolios wisely.

Bit by bit, and day by day, I will get there! 😃

Seabird

~ Billy Alessi, Bobby Alessi

There’s a road I know I must go
Even though I tell myself that road is closed
Listen lonely seabird
You’ve been away from land too long
Oh far too long

I don’t listen to the news no more
Like an unwound clock
You just don’t seem to care
This world isn’t big enough
To keep me away from you
Ah, far from you
Tell the seabird

Seabird, Seabird, fly home
Seabird, Seabird, fly home
Like a lonely seabird
You’ve been away from land too long
Oh far too long

Suddenly you’re with me
I turn and you’re gone
Like a ghost, you haunt me
You find warmth in a 1-night bed
Tell the seabird

Seabird, Seabird fly home
Seabird, Seabird fly home

Seabird, Seabird fly home
Seabird, Seabird fly home

😃 My New Life Indices 🌺

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💗 My Divorce Healing Journey Indices 💗

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