‘Honeybee’ really captures the idea of living the end of your life with some regret – realizing you have been living a life complacent with the familiar – maybe even taking the person closest to you for granted and regretting not expressing your love towards them until it’s too late.” – Charity Rose
🐝 Honeybee 🌷 ~ The Head and the Heart
🐝 Honeybee 🌷
~ The Head and the Heart
Honeybee Could you imagine where our lives would lead? That silly ring, it wasn’t meant to be Luckily you saw in me Something I couldn’t see
Honeybee I can’t imagine how my life would be If all your gravity did not hit me Oh, don’t you see? Darling, my honeybee
But here we are After all the misses and confessions To the stars That we never really owned as ours
And if our world comes tumbling down I never could forgive myself for leaving out You’re the one, you are the only one
Such a fool I took your love and I bent all the rules You took the blow and didn’t let it show Stuck around to let me know Built a family of our own
Look around We made a garden of the love we found So many reasons I would fight to stay You’re the courage when I fade Take a look at what we’ve made
But here we are After all the misses and confessions To the stars That we never really owned as ours
And if our world comes tumbling down I never could forgive myself for leaving out You’re the one, you are the only one
Won’t you decide? Won’t you decide? I want you to soar Don’t doubt anymore
Won’t you decide? (What’s your name?) Won’t you decide? (I hope you can hear me, I needed you near me) I want you to soar (you save my life) Don’t doubt anymore (let’s keep this between you and I)
And if our world comes tumbling down I never could forgive myself for leaving out And if our world comes tumbling down (The world comes tumbling down) I never could forgive myself, for leaving out You’re the one, you are the only one
And if our world comes tumbling down I never could forgive myself, I’ll say it now You’re the one, you are the only one
This song was released just a few days before my husband and I got married. The company he was working for was achieving overnight success and we drove to San Diego to attend a medical device conference where they had a booth marketing their patent invention. They just had millions of dollars poured in and they’re looking to attract more investors so that they can eventually market their product to the public.
Viva La Vida ~ Coldplay
I still vividly remember hearing this song playing on the radio while we’re driving down to San Diego in his fancy blue sports car. He decided to take a few days off so that we can also celebrate our honeymoon while we’re down there.
When he was at work, I took the San Diego Trolley and visited various scenic spots in San Diego. I took the scenic Pacific Ocean route, I toured downtown San Diego, and I also went to the border between US and Mexico. It was relaxing and I had so much fun!
When he was off work, we went on the San Diego Harbor Cruise and passed by the Coronado Island, the Naval Base, and many other famous landmarks in San Diego. We went to the San Diego County Fair at the Del Mar Fairgrounds and hopped on this really exciting ride where my husband and I sat inside a “ball” and we were thrown up into the air and all over while being videotaped. I was screaming my lungs out so loudly! After we finished the ride and were ready to get off, they told us to get back up again for free! I guess my loud screaming was great advertisement for them and since it wasn’t at a busy time, they wanted me to do more advertisement for them! 😝 We went to fancy restaurants at night and had so much fun. It was a romantic and fun honeymoon. I had such a great time! 😍
Fast-forward to September 2019… My husband’s medical device company suffered various huge blows and the board members finally decided to dissolve the company. We were going through a survival crisis and my husband was also going through an identity and mid-life crisis at the same time.
He screamed at me more than once saying that he knows that I will leave him, and no amount of reassurance on my part can make him stop thinking that. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy. He had already decided in his mind that I will leave him sooner or later, so he started pushing me away in all ways possible ~ both physically and emotionally. This is the power of the human mind; what you believe in strongly, you will act accordingly, you will achieve the desired outcome eventually. Thus, he will not stop pushing me away until I leave him eventually and that is when his anxiety regarding this can eventually stop.
Even though we have a lot of personality differences and personality clashes, but I know that he does love me. There is a saying that, “It’s because of love that we decided to be together, and it’s because now we truly understand each other that we decide to move apart”. We both know that we are unhappy being together. We just don’t connect on the same wavelength even though we love each other. When you truly love someone, set them free and let them be happy. It’s hard to let go, but it’s easier knowing that it’s for the highest good for the both of us.
Just like the lyrics in this song which says that, “Next the walls were closed on me. And I discovered that my castles stand, Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand”…, it is never easy to release someone you love from your life. However, I feel comfort knowing that we will both be more happy.
I asked him a few weeks ago why did he secretly withdraw a huge amount of money from our joint bank account, just a few days before he asked for the divorce, but then put it back into our account immediately? He said that he changed his mind. I guess he still wasn’t 100% sure that he wanted to ask me for a divorce, so he still didn’t want to betray me. However, as fate would have it, a few days later, his car got totaled and I found out that he had been drinking again for a year. That was when he asked for the divorce. I guess at that point, he figured that I will not forgive him again for drinking again and for lying to be about it for so long, so he just decided to bring it up himself. A few days after he asked for divorce, he started to take out huge amounts of money from our joint bank account, and then when I put a stop to it, he applied for the huge loan secretly.
When I found out about the huge loan he took and gave to the other woman, I told him that I feel so hurt and angry for all the wrongs he has done to me. I asked him if he felt any remorse towards what he has done to me especially for the past year? He said to me, “Yes, and that’s why I’m running away from you…”. Sigh…
I am slowly beginning to forgive him for the hurt and pain he has caused me in the past. I am also starting to recognize my role in the dissolution of this marriage. It takes two to tango. I also played a role in the demise of this marriage. I also ask for his forgiveness for the hurt and pain that I have caused him in the past. We did have many good times together. I am grateful for that, and I will treasure those happy memories forever…
I just realized last night that even though we hardly even see each other or speak to each other, but I feel safer just knowing that there’s someone else at home. I need to be strong now, and start getting used to living on my own…
I’ve just realized that there is still so much healing I need to do…
Viva La Vida
~ Coldplay
I used to rule the world Seas would rise when I gave the word Now in the morning I sleep alone Sweep the streets I used to own
I used to roll the dice Feel the fear in my enemy’s eyes Listened as the crowd would sing, “Now the old king is dead! Long live the king!” One minute I held the key Next the walls were closed on me And I discovered that my castles stand Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand
I hear Jerusalem bells a-ringing Roman cavalry choirs are singing Be my mirror, my sword and shield My missionaries in a foreign field For some reason I can’t explain Once you’d gone there was never Never an honest word And that was when I ruled the world
It was a wicked and wild wind Blew down the doors to let me in Shattered windows and the sound of drums People couldn’t believe what I’d become Revolutionaries wait For my head on a silver plate Just a puppet on a lonely string Oh who would ever want to be king?
I hear Jerusalem bells a-ringing Roman cavalry choirs are singing Be my mirror, my sword and shield My missionaries in a foreign field For some reason I can’t explain I know St. Peter won’t call my name Never an honest word But that was when I ruled the world
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh [5x]
Hear Jerusalem bells a-ringing Roman cavalry choirs are singing Be my mirror, my sword and shield My missionaries in a foreign field For some reason I can’t explain I know St. Peter won’t call my name Never an honest word But that was when I ruled the world
I’m starting to feel a bit better now about my longing for my sister… My sister has always wanted the best for me. I know that she wants me to live my best life; to be healthy, happy and well-loved.
Can you Comethru ~ Jeremy Zucker
Before taking off, the flight attendant will show you where the oxygen masks are and tell you that if needed, then you have to first put the oxygen mask on yourself, before helping others, including your own family. If you can not even help yourself, if you do not have the strength and health to be productive, then how can you possibly help others?
I’ve realized that the best and only way for me to help my sister is for me to get better myself first ~ to be healthy, happy and have financial stability. Only then will I have the resources required in order to support her.
Just like the lyrics in this song which says that, “I’m trying to realize. It’s alright to not be fine on your own…”, It’s alright that I’m not feeling 100% fine. None of us ever are. We all have to learn the lessons in life, and most importantly, how to manage our emotions as our life circumstances change. Learn how to go with the flow….
I will come through! It will take time and patience, but in the end, I will come through! 😃
Comethru
~ Jeremy Zucker
I might lose my mind Waking when the sun’s down Riding all these highs Waiting for the comedown Walk these streets with me I’m doing decently Just glad that I can breathe, yeah
I’m trying to realize It’s alright to not be fine on your own
Now I’m shaking, drinking all this coffee These last few weeks have been exhausting I’m lost in my imagination And there’s one thing that I need from you Can you come through, through? Through, yeah And there’s one thing that I need from you Can you come through?
Ain’t got much to do Too old for my hometown Went to bed at noon Couldn’t put my phone down Scrolling patiently It’s all the same to me Just faces on a screen, yeah
I’m trying to realize It’s alright to not be fine on your own
Now I’m shaking, drinking all this coffee These last few weeks have been exhausting I’m lost in my imagination And there’s one thing that I need from you Can you come through, through? Through, yeah And there’s one thing that I need from you
Can you come Through, through Through, yeah And there’s one thing that I need from you Can you come through?
I heard this song playing at my chiropractor’s office this afternoon. On “Memories” by “Maroon 5”, Adam Levine is addressing a close friend whom he has been separated from for some time that he misses very much. He has been devoid of the company of this loved one for so long and is now forced to rely on ‘memories’ of the two of them being together.
Memories ~ Maroon 5
It has brought back so many memories of my past ~ of my loved ones, my pets, and most of all… my sister. I miss my sister so much, it tears my heart into pieces. I’m so scared to think of my sister, because I’ve had such wonderful memories with her and we have such a close bond, but that bond is no longer there anymore. It’s not because we no longer love each other, but because my sister’s mind is not what it used to be. It’s been like this for so long now…
Sometimes, my brain tells me that I no longer feel that deep connection with her, but my heart tells me otherwise. My heart tells me that our love for each other is so deep that nothing will ever tear us apart. She is my soulmate, my best friend. She loves me unconditionally and accepts me exactly as I am. She sees the beauty within me that I don’t even see myself.
When I came back to Taiwan from the UK, after deciding to stop being a dentist, I had a severe allergic reaction to a facial cream and my entire face had breakouts all over, which lasted for months. I felt so embarrassed that I didn’t want to get out of the house during the day. I only went out at night, hoping that people won’t notice me in the dark. My parents jokingly said that I’ve now become an owl. My sister told me that when she looks at me, she does not see the hundreds of breakouts on my face, she only sees that sweet, loving, dear me. I was so touched, I will never forget what she said to me that day.
She does not belong in this world, she is too good for this world. She is so loving, kind, generous, sweet, compassionate and trusting. And yet, she now has to stay in a psychiatric institution for life. My heart breaks when I think about that, so I dare not think. I dare not miss her. I dare not remember all our times together, and all the sweet memories we’ve shared since childhood.
I’m so scared to think of my sister. I’m so scared to miss her. We’ve shared such wonderful memories together, just thinking of them makes me long to be with her again. And yet, most of the time, she lives in this fantasy world where she talks to her fairies and thinks that she runs the psychiatric institution. She stands up for the other patients and oftentimes she ends up getting punished for doing that. e.g. if a patient gets tied up for doing something bad, she’ll go and untie the patient, and then she ends up getting tied up herself. She can’t stand injustice. I also can’t stand injustice. However, I don’t have the kind of courage that she has. If it was me, I wouldn’t dare go and untie the patient, knowing that I will get punished for doing that. I respect her for her courage so much, but then I also feel so mad at her for not knowing how to protect her own interests first. And all this for what? That patient still gets tied up again, and now so has she!
I just realized now that my love and longing for my sister may be a major reason I’ve always ended up in either abusive relationships or relationships where I feel that I need to ‘rescue’ the other person, e.g. with his addiction. Since I love my sister so much, but she has this lifelong psychiatric illness that started when she was 18, I think in my mind, I just associated true love with pain & suffering. And of course, I can’t help but to subconsciously feel being abandoned by my sister since she hardly has any lucid moments anymore, so I can not even have a heart-to-heart conversation with her, like we used to. This has also triggered my sense of abandonment. That the one person that I love so much and who loves me equally so, will just end up abandoning me for good.
I love my sister so much, and that’s why it hurts so bad. I miss her so much. Why was I gifted with my best friend since I was a child, just to have her mind taken away by this psychiatric illness? Why is life so unfair? Why did this have to happen to her? Why doesn’t bad things happen to bad people? Why does bad things happen to kind, loving people like my sister? Why?!!!!!
She was also accepted into dental school, and she was also accepted into architecture school. She is so intelligent, creative, and artistic. She drew post-impressionism paintings just like van Gogh. I feel that she’s just like van Gogh ~ an artistic genius tormented by too many creative thoughts in her mind. Sigh…..
Thinking back, my dissociation started around two years ago, when my parents finally made the painful decision to place her in a psychiatric institution for life after her second failed suicide attempt. I think this huge blow to my heart also played an enormous role to me dissociating again. I cried every single day for months and finally, I just wanted to numb myself. I guess the dissociation in a way freezes my thoughts to help me numb my feelings. However, numbing them is only a temporary relief because whenever something reminds me of my sister, I start crying a lot.
Memories… what do I do with all these precious, loving and happy memories I have with my sister? What do I do with them? They cause me so much pain because they remind me of what I will never be able to experience with her again.
I miss you so much. I wish we never had to grow up. I wish you never got ill. I wish I could experience all those happy moments with you again. I’m so scared to face you. I feel so guilty that you are in a psychiatric institution for life and yet I am unable to help you. I want to take care of you but I don’t know how. I want to accept you as who you are now, but I can’t. I miss the old you so much. Please forgive me that I still can not accept you as who you are now. I am trying, please be patient with me. I love you so much, this hurts so much. I miss you so much…
Memories
~ Maroon 5
Here’s to the ones that we got Cheers to the wish you were here, but you’re not ‘Cause the drinks bring back all the memories Of everything we’ve been through Toast to the ones here today Toast to the ones that we lost on the way ‘Cause the drinks bring back all the memories And the memories bring back, memories bring back you
There’s a time that I remember, when I did not know no pain When I believed in forever, and everything would stay the same Now my heart feel like December when somebody say your name ‘Cause I can’t reach out to call you, but I know I will one day, yeah
Everybody hurts sometimes Everybody hurts someday, ayy ayy But everything gon’ be alright Go and raise a glass and say, ayy
Here’s to the ones that we got Cheers to the wish you were here, but you’re not ‘Cause the drinks bring back all the memories Of everything we’ve been through Toast to the ones here today Toast to the ones that we lost on the way ‘Cause the drinks bring back all the memories And the memories bring back, memories bring back you
There’s a time that I remember when I never felt so lost When I felt all of the hatred was too powerful to stop (ooh, yeah) Now my heart feel like an ember and it’s lighting up the dark I’ll carry these torches for ya that you know I’ll never drop, yeah
Everybody hurts sometimes Everybody hurts someday, ayy ayy But everything gon’ be alright Go and raise a glass and say, ayy
Here’s to the ones that we got (oh) Cheers to the wish you were here, but you’re not ‘Cause the drinks bring back all the memories Of everything we’ve been through (no, no) Toast to the ones here today (ayy) Toast to the ones that we lost on the way ‘Cause the drinks bring back all the memories (ayy) And the memories bring back, memories bring back you
The 2022 just came out now to support countries that are still suffering from the Covid pandemic. I first journaled on this topic on June 1st, 2021. I’m journaling on this topic almost a year later.
2022 ~ 明天會更好
So much have changed since then… I’m getting divorced. I had a concussion in January. I’m getting my neuro-psychological testing in 2 hours. I had my first one done after my concussion back in 2019, and that was when it was discovered that I had PTSD.
I was looking back at the 2019 neuro-psychological testing report just now. I’m still struggling with the same issues. I had started counseling for my PTSD in 2019 after finding out that I had untreated PTSD, but then stopped after a month because the company that my husband worked for for 13 years went under.
I started getting counseling again in September of 2021, and thankfully, I’m still going to my weekly sessions for over 6 months now. My dissociation symptoms are so much better now. I’m still struggling a lot especially with this new concussion and my divorce.
However, I have faith that Tomorrow Will Be Better!
June 1st, 2021:
The Taiwanese version of ‘We are the World’! 😊 This is a very stressful week for me. I just pray that Today Will Be Great! and that Tomorrow Will Be Even Better! 🌼
明天會更好 Tomorrow Will Be Better!
明天會更好 Tomorrow Will Be Even Better!
作詞：羅大佑、張大春、許乃勝、李壽全、邱復生、張艾嘉、詹宏志
作曲：羅大佑
編曲：陳志遠
輕輕敲醒沉睡的心靈 慢慢張開你的眼睛 qīng qīng qiāo xǐng chénshuì de xīnlíng màn man zhāng kāi nǐ de yǎnjīng
Lightly awake your soul awake from its sleep
Slowly, open your eyes
看那忙碌的世界是否依然孤獨地轉個不停 kàn nà mánglù de shìjiè shìfǒu yīrán gūdú dì zhuàn gè bù tíng
and watch whether the very busy earth
is still continuing to solitarily revolve without stopping
I have the attention span of a sparrow. There’s always creative juices flowing within and I’m always coming up with fun ideas to do. I’ve always been like this since I was a child. I’m smart, there’s no doubt about it and I have three educational degrees & various certificates to prove that. The downside of this is that it’s hard for me to follow through with what I’ve started…
Seabird ~ Babeheaven
It doesn’t help either that I’ve had two concussions within the past 3 years, the most recent one being in January of this year. The one I had in January 2019 happened outside the parking lot of a hotel. I slipped and fell on ice and hit the back of my head on the rock-hard ice! I dissociated and what I recall happened does not make sense as to what I think really happened anatomically. There’s no way for me to know for sure since no one was there to witness it when it happened.
At least my head hit the carpet for the one that just happened two months ago. My soon-to-be ex-husband was helping me apply the bandage dressing to my lipoma surgical wound (I had the lipoma removal surgery done towards the end of December 2021) and he said that I started to walk towards the door to leave before he could apply the surgical tape onto the bandage dressing. He said that after my head hit the carpet, I started to vomit and thank goodness he quickly turned my head to the side. Otherwise, I may have just choked on my own vomit and died of suffocation. Once again, what I thought happened was completely different from what he said happened to me, including the direction I fell and even the location that I fell backwards.
I went to a clinic specializing in people who have had concussions and did a series of tests for the past two months. I finally had my call with the physician this week to tell me about my test results and the treatment plan.
My main issues, besides having headaches and neck pain, is that I have balance issues and eye-brain coordination incongruency. This is why I can not read for long, I start to get really tired and have headaches not long after I start to read. I also can not focus for long, whereas in the past, if I’m really focused on doing something, I can go for hours non-stop.
Ever since my first concussion back in 2019, I have felt that I just can not function properly, nowhere near where I was before. The physician said it seems like I had already suffered from chronic post-concussion symptoms since my first fall 3 years ago, and the one I just had 2 months ago are now making things a lot worse for me.
I’ll be going for physical therapy for balance issues, and occupational therapy mainly to help my eye and brain to communicate properly again. The physician suggested that I go for PT and OT once a week but knowing how I get overwhelmed so easily, I plan on alternating them instead.
I’m doing a lot of work regarding my mind, body and spirit and I have been committing myself to learn a bit about stock trading each and every day. That’s my long term goal; to manage my investment portfolios wisely.
Bit by bit, and day by day, I will get there! 😃
Seabird
~ Billy Alessi, Bobby Alessi
There’s a road I know I must go Even though I tell myself that road is closed Listen lonely seabird You’ve been away from land too long Oh far too long
I don’t listen to the news no more Like an unwound clock You just don’t seem to care This world isn’t big enough To keep me away from you Ah, far from you Tell the seabird
Seabird, Seabird, fly home Seabird, Seabird, fly home Like a lonely seabird You’ve been away from land too long Oh far too long
Suddenly you’re with me I turn and you’re gone Like a ghost, you haunt me You find warmth in a 1-night bed Tell the seabird
Seabird, Seabird fly home Seabird, Seabird fly home
Seabird, Seabird fly home Seabird, Seabird fly home
I have always felt some kind of tiny grudge towards my ex (my soulmate) for the way things ended between us. Even though I tell myself that I don’t hold any grudges towards him, but the way I’ve been acting towards him makes me feel that I do still hold some kind of grudge against him, especially now that I’m free to do whatever I want, because I’m getting divorced.
Last Time I Say Sorry ~ Kane Brown, John Legend
I’ve been telling him of people that I’m talking with and meeting up with, and fun things that I’m doing with my life, now that I’ve finally been set free. I omit telling him the times when I feel totally alone and isolated, and just want to let him think that I am so happy now with my new found freedom in life.
I told him and showed him photos of the new car that I got since my ex-husband kindly said that he’ll just take my car (since his car got totaled in December 2021), and that I can get another one. I took a selfie on the spur of the moment while I was at a Target dressing room with no makeup and no camera touch ups, but looking absolutely cute and young, almost like a teenager, and texted that to him. I asked him if I looked very young, and he agreed, and said it with sincerity.
Thinking back now, I don’t think that I’m doing it intentionally. At least, not on the conscious level. However, I think that I may be doing it on a subconscious level…
I miss him a lot. I miss all the fun times that we’ve had together. We truly connected so deeply in the mind, body, spirit and intimately. I was his first love, so I know that he will always love me and will never forget me, ever. Even though he wasn’t my first love, but I will also never forget him, ever. I will always love my ex-husband as my family member since we’ve been together for over 14 years now, but the love I have towards my ex, is truly like the union of two souls. It’s so deep, I just can’t explain it in words…
We’ve been talking for at least once a week for the past few months and I could sense some longingness and sadness in him when I tell him about my new life and the new friends that I’m making these days. I also feel this tiny little sense of satisfaction when showing him what he had, and what he could have had for all these years.
Until just now…
I was clearing old emails from an email address that I used when I was in South Africa, it my very first email address in my entire life. I saw a folder that I created back then with his nickname on it, and saw that I saved some email correspondences we had during our breakup period over 17 years ago.
In one email, he was so angry at me and cursed at me for the way that I’ve hurt him in the past. He told me how I was being inconsiderate of his feelings and how he had already apologized for his wrongdoings but I still wasn’t willing to let it go, and kept on picking on that wound over and over again….
Our breakup was from so long ago, I only remembered how hurt and how betrayed I felt, I forgot how hurt and how betrayed he felt as well…
I’m so sorry. I forgive you for all the wrongdoings that you have done to me. I don’t know if I can at this moment, forgive you completely, for sexually and physically assaulting me, but I know that I will eventually. Please forgive me too, for all the wrongdoings that I have done to you. I love you with all my heart, although I’m not sure what kind of love it is anymore. I have always seen you as my family member as well. I am happy that you are still married (as to how happily married you are, I’m not so sure?), and I wish you all the best in life!
I’m sorry, please forgive me. Thank you for loving me, and for continuing to keep me in your thoughts, and in your life…
Last Time I Say Sorry
~ Kane Brown, John Legend
I won’t say I’m sorry over and over Can’t just say I’m sorry, I’ve gotta show you I won’t do it again, I’ll prove my love is true I hope the last time I said sorry Is the last time I’ll say sorry to you
The first time I slept on the couch, was our first New Year’s Eve I heard words come out my mouth, that I still can’t believe Broken hearts and shattered champagne We both don’t wanna feel that again The second I apologized you said, “Boy, I don’t know” I said it ’cause I meant it, but you still wouldn’t let it go So I swallow my pride, see it from your side I promise I’ll do the best I can do
I won’t say I’m sorry over and over Can’t just say I’m sorry, I’ve gotta show you I won’t do it again, I’ll prove my love is true I hope the last time I said sorry Is the last time I’ll say sorry to you
No, oh, oh-oh (Oh) No, oh, oh-oh To you No, oh, oh-oh No, oh, oh-oh The last time I said sorry Is the last time I’ll say sorry
If I could build a perfect world I’d only make you smile I’d hang the stars, the sun and moon outside this room but I’ll I’ll never be perfect, though I’m gonna try Oh, I’m gonna do better I swear that I
I won’t say I’m sorry over and over Can’t just say I’m sorry, I’ve gotta show you I won’t do it again, I’ll prove my love is true I hope the last time I said sorry Is the last time I’ll say sorry to you
No, oh, oh-oh (Oh) No, oh, oh-oh To you No, oh, oh-oh No, oh, oh-oh The last time I said sorry Is the last time I’ll say sorry to you No, oh, oh-oh (Oh) No, oh, oh-oh To you No, oh, oh-oh (Oh) No, oh, oh-oh
I hope the last time I said sorry Is the last time I’ll say sorry, to you
I think I am going through an identity crisis right now… I think it may also be because my birthday is coming up soon.
Nothing New ~ Taylor Swift
Taylor Swift’s “Nothing New” reflects her feelings of growing older. She describes the “Red” album as resembling a “heartbroken person.” In her announcement of the re-release on Twitter, she wrote: “It was all over the place, a fractured mosaic of feelings that somehow all fit together in the end. Happy, free, confused, lonely, devastated, euphoric, wild, and tortured by memories past.”
I’ve been married for so long, who will I become once my divorce is finalized? Do I change my surname back to my maiden name? I have three educational degrees, and various licenses & certificates. It took me a long time to change those names to my married surname, and now I gotta do that all over again and change them back to my maiden name?????
This may seem like a small detail in the process of getting divorced, but somehow, that is triggering an identity crisis within me now.
Who was I before I got married? Who was I during my marriage, and Who will I become after I’m divorced? Who Am I? Which one is the real me???
Nothing New
~ Taylor Swift
They tell you while you’re young “Girls, go out and have your fun” Then they hunt and slay the ones who actually do it Criticize the way you fly when you’re soarin’ through the sky Shoots you down and then they sigh, and say “She looks like she’s been through it”
Lord, what will become of me Once I’ve lost my novelty? I’ve had too much to drink tonight And I know it’s sad, but this is what I think about And I wake up in the middle of the night It’s like I can feel time moving How can a person know everything at 18 but nothing at 22? And will you still want me when I’m nothing new?
How long will it be cute All this crying in my room Whеn you can’t blame it on my youth And roll your eyes with affеction? And my cheeks are growing tired From turning red and faking smiles Are we only biding time ’til I lose your attention? And someone else lights up the room? People love an ingénue
I’ve had (I’ve had) too much to drink tonight How did I go from growing up to breaking down? And I wake up (wake up) in the middle of the night It’s like I can feel time moving How can a person know everything at 18 but nothing at 22? Will you still want me when I’m nothing new?
I know someday I’m gonna meet her, it’s a fever dream The kind of radiance you only have at 17 She’ll know the way, and then she’ll say she got the map from me I’ll say I’m happy for her, then I’ll cry myself to sleep Oh, whoa, whoa Oh, whoa, whoa, oh, whoa, oh
I’ve had (I’ve had) too much to drink tonight But I wonder if they’ll miss me once they drive me out I wake up (wake up) in the middle of the night And I can feel time moving How can a person know everything at 18 but nothing at 22? And will you still want me Will you still want me Will you still want me When I’m nothing new?
🤬 Liar! Cheat! Thief! Addict! Keep on Doing So Many Shady Things Behind My Back!
I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!
I Hate You So Much Right Now! ~ Kelis
[Intro] Yo, this song, yo This song is for all the women out there That have been lied to by their men And I know y’all been lied to over and over again This is for y’all, yo, maybe you didn’t break The way you should’ve broke, yo But I break, you know I’m sayin’? So this is how it goes yo Psst… damn Yo
[Verse 1] Last year, Valentine’s Day, you would just warmly say “Babe I love you, love you, babe I swear” (Yo, he’s lying) Held you when you were sick, even… The whole time I’d think to myself, this isn’t fair
[Pre-Chorus] What is this I see? You don’t come home to me (No! Oh no!) When you don’t come home to me, can’t deal, can’t bear (Man) You keep tellin’ me lies, but to your surprise Look, I found her red coat and you’re caught out there
[Chorus] I hate you so much right now! I hate you so much right now! Aaaaaaaaaaaah! I hate you so much right now! I hate you so much right now! I hate you so much right now! Aaaaaaaaaaaah! I hate you so much right now!
[Verse 2] So sick of your games, I’ll set your truck to flames And watch it blow up, blow up – tell me, how you gonna see her now? So far from sincere, fabrications in my ear (I love you) Drive me so far up the wall, I come slidin’ down
[Pre-Chorus] What is this I see? You don’t come home to me (I don’t believe this!) When you don’t come home to me, I can’t deal, can’t bear (I won’t) You keep tellin’ me lies, but to your surprise Look, I hope you’re happy since you’re caught out there
[Interlude] Yeah, you’ve been caught Yo, come on Come on
[Chorus] I hate you so much right now! I hate you so much right now! Aaaaaaaaaaaah! I hate you so much right now! I hate you so much right now! I hate you so much right now! Aaaaaaaaaaaah! I hate you so much right now!
[Verse 3] She’s so raunchy, so vulgar; not me, why the hell her? Look, she dresses a mess, what do you see? (Look at her! I don’t know) It’s not all about cash, nor how much you flash (Hell no) How I dress is a reflection of me
[Pre-Chorus] What is this I see? You don’t come home to me (Uh-uh) When you don’t come home to me, can’t deal, can’t bear (Told you I won’t) You keep tellin’ me lies, but to your surprise Look I got something for y’all since you’re caught out there
[Chorus] I hate you so much right now! I hate you so much right now! Aaaaaaaaaaaah! I hate you so much right now! I hate you so much right now! I hate you so much right now! Aaaaaaaaaaaah! I hate you so much right now! I hate you so much right now! I hate you so much right now! Aaaaaaaaaaaah! I hate you so much right now! I hate you so much right now! I hate you so much right now! Aaaaaaaaaaaah! I hate you so much right now!
Thank you God, for healing my physical, emotional and spiritual wounds.
Scars in Heaven ~ Casting Crowns
Thank you for healing the physical, emotional, and spiritual wounds of my loved ones ~ past and the present. AMEN.
Scars in Heaven
~ Casting Crowns
If I had only known the last time would be the last time I would’ve put off all the things I had to do I would’ve stayed a little longer, held on a little tighter Now what I’d give for one more day with you ‘Cause there’s a wound here in my heart where something’s missing And they tell me that it’s gonna heal with time But I know you’re in a place where all your wounds have been erased And knowing yours are healed is healing mine
The only scars in Heaven, they won’t belong to me and you There’ll be no such thing as broken, and all the old will be made new And the thought that makes me smile now, even as the tears fall down Is that the only scars in Heaven are on the hands that hold you now
I know the road you walked was anything but easy You picked up your share of scars along the way Oh, but now you’re standing in the sun, you’ve fought your fight and your race is run The pain is all a million miles away
The only scars in Heaven, they won’t belong to me and you There’ll be no such thing as broken, and all the old will be made new And the thought that makes me smile now, even as the tears fall down Is that the only scars in Heaven, yeah, are on the hands that hold you now
Hallelujah, Hallelujah Hallelujah, for the hands that hold you now
There’s not a day goes by that I don’t see you You live on in all the better parts of me Until I’m standing with you in the sun, I’ll fight this fight and this race I’ll run Until I finally see what you can see, oh-oh
The only scars in Heaven, they won’t belong to me and you There’ll be no such thing as broken, and all the old will be made new And the thought that makes me smile now, even as the tears fall down Is that the only scars in Heaven are on the hands that hold you now
