I went through a long and painful ‘Dark Night of the Soul’ phase last year. They say “What doesn’t kill you, only makes you stronger”. Thank goodness I’m still alive, and feel stronger mentally and emotionally now, having surviving through last year.
This song is me defying whoever in the Universe that decided to put my entire family through this painful dark period. We survived, and we are much stronger now!!!
It wasn’t just the pandemic and my auto-immune issues that were tough on me (and everyone else in this world) last year. So many things happened last year, actually at the end of 2019. It was as if the universe decided to put me through this ‘To Do or To Die’ test. No more dipping my toes to test the waters. Either deal with adversities in life, or be eliminated ~ according to Darwin’s ‘Survival of the Fittest’ theory.
Things started turning south towards the last few months of 2019. The start-up company that my husband was involved with since day 1 (back in California) for the past 13 years, had to shut down in September of 2019. All of a sudden, my husband, who had a very prominent position in that company became nothing. All of our stock options, our retirement to riches, became worthless. Toilet paper was worth much more than our stock option certificates, especially compared to when there was a shortage of toilet paper during the pandemic.
I cannot even try to imagine what my husband went through. This was his baby, that he raised with his heart and soul for 13 years. He gave up his health, his happiness, and even our marriage, for this child, and there were at least twice throughout the years, when the product was going to be marketed and we could finally reap the rewards. This was his invention, his patent, and now the child is dead. The child was put on a ventilator for months, and eventually, the Board members decided that it wasn’t worth saving, and decided to pull the plug. I give him a lot of credit for being able to pull through this painful ordeal, probably because he has already been through so much in his life, so he has developed a strong resiliency towards adversities. I’m not sure I would have been able to get out of this tragedy in one piece; not just financially, but most importantly, psychologically. He had on rare occasions, when out of total desperation, said that somedays he would wake up and just wished that he could drive his car into the opposite side of the traffic and end his misery.
He has not had to look for a job for the past 13 years. All he had to do was keep his baby thriving, hire people and fire people, and now, he has to start from scratch – From Riches to Rags. I felt a parallel sense of tormented emotions just as when I decided to go from being a dentist, to being a “I don’t know what on earth I want to be, so I might as well just be nothing at all” kind of mentality. I’m not even sure I was able to heal that mentality entirely all these years.
We had no idea what to do, or where to go. We thought of doing Amazon deliveries, or driving an Uber. Maybe go back to an isolated place in California, or go back to Taiwan (but not sure of what we’re going to do there). I was going for DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) counseling for my recently discovered untreated PTSD, and various treatments for my aches and pains, but I stopped everything completely, because we lost our excellent medical insurance plan that was through his company.
My husband started working for a company as a third-shift supervisor (and at the same time, trying to attract clients as an independent contractor in the medical device industry) and came home exhausted every single day because he has always been an early bird; going to bed early, and waking up early. But now, he barely has time to sleep. So, that was how we ended 2019 and started 2020.
As if that wasn’t bad enough, my sister got hospitalized after another failed suicide attempt. My mother sank into total despair and desperation and my dad’s memory loss and thyroid tumor worsened. My mother (who now has to be the sole decision maker of the family) finally made the painful decision of sending my sister to a psychiatric institution. Mom became so depressed and worried that she lost a lot of weight and could hardly crawl out of bed each morning. She feared that she wouldn’t have much time left to live so felt that this was the only way for my sister to be taken care of for life. She still feels so much responsibility of having to take care of my father and my sister, and that was probably the only reason that kept her alive. She was also worried about my husband and myself on the other side of the earth, now that we have no financial stability and suffered great financial losses. My mother has never put the burden of taking care of my sister on our shoulders because she knows how stressful that is. But one day, out of total desperation, while we were talking on the phone, she said to me “Didn’t you say that you’re going to come back and live in Taiwan so you can take care of your sister? Will you?”. I did say that when I went back to Taiwan to visit my family, and I feel guilty for not keeping that promise yet. I told mom that I will. I just need more time, but I feel like time is running out with my parents aging every day….
I had no one I could console with and I couldn’t share any of my fears and worries with my husband as he is in a constant state of survival (barely surviving) mode. And of course, he would take his anger and frustrations out on me on a constant basis. “Go get a job!”. “I know you’re going to leave me. Are you a fair-weather wife? I know you’re going to leave me. Just leave me!”. Nothing I do or say makes a difference. None of my words of encouragement makes a difference as words do not put bread on the table. At the end of the day, they are just words. I started trying to save more (I never cared for luxuries in the first place to begin with) and one day I showed him our empty fridge and freezer. I was trying to let him know that I’m being very mindful of everything I buy for us, and make sure that we finish everything so that we don’t waste money. But looking back, I think that triggered his sense of ‘lack’ and he became so angry! I went and got a work-from-home job and was starting to look for more, which was why I ended up taking two contact tracing jobs, but then ended up exhausting myself too much because there’s still so many other things I need to take care of constantly ~ across three continents.
Our townhouse ended up with water leakage, extensive water damage and mold issues. Due to the pandemic; with the lack of staff and lack of supplies, the entire mold demolition and restoration took two months. We had to stay in a hotel during that time. Thank goodness we had accumulated enough hotel reward points, otherwise, that would have been another huge expense for us. The stress of working 3 jobs, being cooped up in a small noisy room, and the constant lack of sleep (since my husband has to wake up in the middle of the night for his third shift job, when I had just finished my shift not long ago and was just starting to fall asleep) took a complete toll on my health. I also had to supervise the demolition and restoration since we still planned on going back to live there after it’s done, and continue to take care of issues across 3 continents.
I think that was the last straw that completely broke down my body. My auto-immune issues got triggered, and my PTSD got triggered as well. I started dissociating a lot, which made me become even more weak and exhausted. I also started experiencing aches and pains everywhere throughout my body.
I still feel like I’m constantly putting out fires. Somedays, I don’t even want to wake up. I’m afraid each morning of checking my emails for another fire that I need to put out. I’m afraid I’ll receive a voicemail from my mom asking me to call her back. I always call my family at least once a week to stay connected, so if my mom calls me, then I get very worried that something is wrong.
But you know what? I’m still alive. I survived! What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I am stronger now. To whoever in this Universe that decided to put my entire family through this painful and difficult period – You Will NOT Break Us! We Have Survived! And We Are Much Stronger Now!!!