Sunday was Day 49 of my Dad’s memorial ceremony. I believe that he is now in Pure Land Nirvana, and will continue to chant Buddhist prayers for him and for myself daily.
Now, I’m back to reality, and I am going to breakaway from all of the trash in my life!
My sister got ill when I was still in high school. I remember one day picking up the phone and hearing her speaking incoherently, being extremely fearful that she may die soon. That day changed our family’s lives forever. From that day onwards, it was all about her illnesses and sufferings. Don’t get me wrong, I love her very much and feel great sorrow for her suffering. However, I also need to recognize and acknowledge the pain and suffering I have been through as well.
I started going to the movies by myself and doing everything by myself since my mother was too busy taking care of her. I remember all of the broken promises from my mother because of my sister’s constant episodes. I realized from that point onwards, that I will just have to be by myself. Both of my best friends; my sister and my mom can no longer be there by my side constantly, as before.
I remember after starting dental school, I wanted to go to the library in the evenings to study so that I can focus better. Mom took my sister out during the day and said that she’ll be back at a certain time to take me to the library. One night, I waited and waited and eventually had it. I decided to walk late at night to the library through an unsafe path by myself and wished that someone will just rape me and kill me so that I can finally end this life of loneliness and misery. Fortunately, I made it back home safely that night.
I have been through so much shit in the past few years, starting from my soon-to-be ex-husband’s addiction and “throwing money away like it’s candy” delirious acts, up to meeting people exhibiting the same self-centered, narcissistic traits as him. It’s just like what I’ve learned in the “Divorce Care” support group meetings; heal the traumas from your past relationships, or end up being with the same person all over again, but just with a different face.
Since my ex has been avoiding all of my emails, calls, and texts, I have been driving by his workplace at various times and finally found him there yesterday evening. I told him that I am done with his shit. I am done with paying for the loan he took up for the scammer whore, paying for our joint expenses, and not getting anything back from him. I asked him why is he not giving me the required information to file for our divorce? He said that he has been too busy working. Ya, right, too busy trying to apply for loan after loan, and for what, I have no freaking idea! I told him that since we are still legally married, I can, and am very close to admitting him to a mental institution. I told him that I am also very close to taking legal action against him and freezing all of his assets. Since I am using our joint account (which he is not putting money into) to pay for the loan he took up for that scammer whore, I told him that I am also considering closing that joint account and defaulting on his loan, so that he will never in his life be able to get approved for a loan again. I told him I regret so much for getting his credit from poor to excellent all these years. If I just let him continue with his shitty credit history, of not even being able to get approved for a credit card, then he would not have been able to take up all these loans for that scammer whore!
I am done with shit in my life. I told him to get our divorce done now!
I am breaking away from all of the trash in my life. Not just with him, but with every single self-centered, narcissistic person in my life.
I am starting my life all over again, on my own. Breakaway!!!
Breakaway
~ Kelly Clarkson
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da
Da, da, da, da, da, da
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da
Da, da, da, da, da, da
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da
Grew up in a small town and when the rain would fall down
I’d just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be and if I’d end up happy
I would pray (I would pray)
Trying hard to reach out but when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here but something felt so wrong here
So, I prayed I could break away
I’ll spread my wings and I’ll learn how to fly
I’ll do what it takes ’til I touch the sky
And I’ll make a wish, take a chance, make a change and breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won’t forget all the ones that I love
I’ll take a risk, take a chance, make a change and breakaway
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da
Da, da, da, da, da, da
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da
Wanna feel the warm breeze, sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train, travel on a jet plane, far away and breakaway (I will)
I’ll spread my wings and I’ll learn how to fly
I’ll do what it takes ’til I touch the sky
And I’ll make a wish, take a chance, make a change and breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won’t forget all the ones that I love
I’ll take a risk, take a chance, make a change and breakaway
Buildings with a hundred floors, swinging around revolving doors
Maybe I don’t know where they’ll take me but
Gotta keep moving on, moving on, fly away, breakaway
I’ll spread my wings and I’ll learn how to fly
Though it’s not easy to tell you goodbye
I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change and breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won’t forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change and breakaway
Breakaway, breakaway