I’ve been feeling down and nostalgic lately. I think it’s mainly because it was my birthday just two weeks ago, and yesterday was my ex-husband’s birthday as well…
I was singing along this song in the car during our relocation road trip from CA to MN back in Sept 2014.
For some reason, I just had an intuitive feeling about us, and I was praying that we won’t end up like this one day.
I wanted to text this to my ex-husband a few days ago but held back:
Despite what you think of me being controlling and all that… That fact of the matter is that when we were together:
- I cleared all of your debt.
- I took care of all your appointments.
- I took care of your health and well-being.
- I took care of all of the paperwork. All you ever had to do was sign.
- I cared about you completely, even though you hardly cared about me and asked me how I was doing?
- Did you know I was suffering from PTSD, from the concussions, and was dissociating?
- Did you know I was suffering from major depression when I was a case manager & contact tracer during Covid?
- That I even started to feel suicidal when the people I was tracking were dying? Did you know that’s why I had to stop working as a Covid contact tracer and case manager? Or did you think I was just being lazy?
- Did you know my sister tried to commit suicide twice and my parents finally had to send her to the psychiatric institution? And how deeply that had affected me, even to this day?
- I was always there for you. Why weren’t you there for me when I needed you the most?
- Everything was taken care of daily, and the only thing you had to worry about was your work.
- We always had at least $10,000 refund from the IRS every year (because I’d rather overpay and get refunded later, than owe Uncle Sam taxes).
- We always had tens and thousands of dollars in our Checking account.
- You no longer had to worry about probation from your previous DUI’s and even had one of them expunged.
- We had more than enough money to buy anything we wanted, whenever we wanted to (however, I was still always being mindful not to waste money and continued to clip coupons for us).
- We could just take off anytime to anywhere in the world without having to worry about money.
And now?
He’s tens of thousands of dollars in debt to Uncle Sam. He is not allowed to leave the country until he starts paying off his debt, due to him being non-responsive to all of their letters throughout the past few years.
He took up loans. I also found out from his ex-roommate that he bought two fancy motorcycles as well. I wonder how much debt he owes for that, and for the loans that he took back in 2022 for that scammer whore?
We started getting hacked in 2015 constantly and since then, I’ve been on high alert for all of our accounts and devices. However, I never thought the biggest scammer and thief was right under my nose. I only found out after a long time that he had been secretly taking out tens and thousands of dollars from our joint bank account.
From what I’m aware of (and I’m sure there’s a lot more), he gave away at least $200k. Half of which are mine.
He still owes me money and never kept his word regarding the financial settlement from our divorce agreement and has completely ghosted me.
There was a long phase where I’d only give him very little cash to carry in his wallet (for emergencies) and asked him to use credit cards for everything. I also asked him to bring back itemized receipts.
Why? Because in the past, he has done some really manipulative things so that he can get cash to buy alcohol without me knowing about it.
For instance:
- I placed a red envelope with $100 in both our wallets (and asked him not to use it) for good luck and prosperity. One day, out of the blue, I just decided to open his red envelope, and found out that the $100 was gone.
- Even when I asked for itemized receipts, he found a store that was willing to refund back in cash. So, he bought something expensive (for business purposes), then took it back and asked for refund in cash.
I felt guilty throughout our entire marriage due to his DUI’s. Thinking that I might be a major reason that he’s drinking again and even drinking & driving again. 18 years of guilt and shame… I even gave up at some point regarding his drinking and just begged him to please call me after drinking to go and pick him up, so that he won’t end up endangering himself and others on the road.
It was only after I found that he was once again arrested for DUI towards the end of 2024 (our long dragged-out divorce was finalized in April 2024. And he had already moved out in Oct 2022 and hardly responded back to me since then), did I realize that I am not the reason! I can be anyone else with a pulse that’s in a relationship with him. There will always be arguments and stressful times throughout a relationship.
Did you know I was so exhausted for always being the one fighting for us? But it is a two-way street. Why couldn’t you fight for us? Why couldn’t you let me know that you cared about our marriage enough to fight for us? Why did you just turn to another woman instead?
Why didn’t you even for once tell me that you felt very unhappy and wished for us to work on our marriage? If you at least said that, so that I knew you cared about us, then knowing my personality, I would have immediately tried everything to make us work, including begging/even forcing you to get treatment for your alcoholism?
Why did you become so cold and cruel after you thought she was your “Happily Ever After”? Which was no longer the case since a long time ago after you asked for the divorce on Dec 4th, 2021? Just two weeks before my lipoma surgery that stressed me out completely?
If you ever hear this song, will you think of us? Think of what we had? Think of what you poured down the drain?
Do you ever miss me like I miss you? Do you ever miss us? And I’m not just talking about financially, I’m talking about all the good times we’ve shared, and the bad times, when I always stood up for you, and always stayed by your side? I still care about you, up to this day. Do you care about me?
Did you ever truly love me?
Do you ever think of giving me closure so that I can finally let go?
Do you ever regret letting me go?
Let Her Go
~ Passenger
Well, you only need the light when it’s burnin’ low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you’ve been high when you’re feelin’ low
Only hate the road when you’re missin’ home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go
Starin’ at the bottom of your glass
Hopin’ one day you’ll make a dream last
Dreams come slow and they go so fast
You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you’ll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies
But you only need the light when it’s burnin’ low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you’ve been high when you’re feelin’ low
Only hate the road when you’re missin’ home
Only know you love her when you let her go
Starin’ at the ceilin’ in the dark
Same old empty feelin’ in your heart
‘Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast
Well, you see her when you fall asleep, but
Never to touch and never to keep
‘Cause you loved her too much, and dived too deep
Well, you only need the light when it’s burnin’ low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you’ve been high when you’re feelin’ low
Only hate the road when you’re missin’ home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go, oh
And you let her go, oh
Well, you let her go
Well, you only need the light when it’s burnin’ low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you’ve been high when you’re feelin’ low
Only hate the road when you’re missin’ home
Only know you love her when you let her go
Well, you only need the light when it’s burnin’ low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you’ve been high when you’re feelin’ low
Only hate the road when you’re missin’ home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go