In the song “No Matter What” by Calum Scott, he talks about his experience of coming out about his sexuality to his mom. This song has a very special meaning to me because of the struggles I am experiencing through my divorce process…
I don’t know why but throughout my life, I’ve encountered people who are very critical of me.
When I was in dental school, there was a girl from Taiwan, Ms. M, that was also studying dentistry, a few years behind me. Their family always invited me over to their flat and she’ll often come over to my flat and chat with me as well. I’ve always wanted to have a younger sister since I’m the youngest in my family and I loved her as my baby sister.
After I decided to stop being a dentist, she told me one day that when she attended an alumni party and someone mentioned my quitting dentistry, she was too embarrassed to say that she knows me. I felt so hurt and betrayed when I heard that.
Firstly, why would her dental classmates even know about me? We never attended any classes together, and we’re not from the same school year. So, am I now famous in the entire dental school for quitting dentistry? How did people even know about that? I didn’t tell anyone except for my close friends.
When my professor at my acupuncture school found out that I used to be a dentist and am now studying to become an acupuncturist, he basically told me that I’m a “loser” for choosing to do so.
These harsh words have remained stuck with me for the rest of my life, and I often feel like no one has my back. I feel so embarrassed to tell people that I have three educational degrees but am not putting any one of them to good use. I often just end up telling people these days that I do nothing. I feel like “I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t”, since either way, they’ll still end up thinking that I’m a loser, so I might as well just declare myself a loser from the start and save everyone the trouble…
Even my poor dad, after all these years, still keeps all of my dental books, study notes, and anything related to my dental career at home. I’ve already told them a long time ago that I’m not going back and they can just throw everything away, but he still insists on keeping them, in case one day I change my mind.
It makes me feel so bad. I feel like I’ve let him down completely. Yet, he still tells me to this day that he is so proud of me and my achievements in life. What achievements? What do I have to show for besides a whole bunch of diplomas and certificates? And soon, I’ll have a new certificate, my divorce certificate…
I spoke with my mom this morning and she asked me how my online business is going. I told her that I’m writing articles, but it’s going so slowly. I intended on publishing one article at least every 3 days, but now I’m struggling to even publish one a week because I have to seriously start dealing with everything related to our divorce and physical separation now.
I was expecting some kind of encouragement from mom on how I can be more productive. Instead, she just said to me, “It’s Okay“. I was shocked to hear that. I’ve been so tough and unforgiving towards myself my entire life. I constantly criticize myself for not doing something perfectly as planned, and yet, here is my beloved mother just telling me that it’s okay. I told her last week that lately, I’ve been experiencing panic attacks when doing all the things required for my divorce. I guess she’s also trying to be as supportive as she can regarding my emotional struggles right now, and I appreciate that so much.
Once my divorce is final, it will just be another confirmation that I am a total failure in life. I am struggling so badly to come to terms with that. However, I am truly grateful to have such a loving family that will accept me exactly as I am, no matter what. My biggest obstacle right now is to accept myself exactly as I am, no matter what…
No Matter What
~ Songwriters: Toby Gad / Calum Scott
When I was a young boy I was scared of growing up
I didn’t understand it but I was terrified of love
Felt like I had to choose but it was outta my control
I needed to be saved, I was going crazy on my own
It took me years to tell my mother, I expected the worst
I gathered all the courage in the world
She said, “I love you no matter what
I just want you to be happy and always be who you are”
She wrapped her arms around me
Said, “Don’t try to be what you’re not
‘Cause I love you no matter what”
She loves me no matter what
I got a little older wishing all my time away
Riding on the pavement, every sunny day was grey
I trusted in my friends then all my world came crashing down
I wish I never said a thing, ’cause to them I’m a stranger now
When I ran home I saw my mother, it was written on my face
Felt like I had a heart of glass about to break
She said, “I love you no matter what
I just want you to be happy and always be who you are”
She wrapped her arms around me
Said, “Don’t try to be what you’re not
‘Cause I love you no matter what”
Yeah
Now I’m a man and I’m so much wiser
I walk the earth with my head held higher
I got the love that I need
But I was still missing one special piece
My father looked at me
He said, “I love you no matter what
I just want you to be happy and always be who you are”
He wrapped his arms around me
Said, “Don’t try to be what you’re not
‘Cause I love you no matter what”
He loves me no matter what
And they love me no matter what