My life has been going through a complete downward spiral ever since my soon-to-be ex-husband asked for a divorce on 12/04/21, and then I found out about all the shady things he had been doing behind my back not long afterwards.
I am going through the worst existential crisis I’ve ever been through in my life, especially because he has started drinking, and drinking and driving again. I sacrificed my health, my work, and my emotional stability all just to get him to stop drinking, and now I’m questioning if I’ve wasted over 14 years of my life for Nothing???
I just told him a few days ago that it’s the complete sense of betrayal from the shady things he’s done since last year that’s affecting me the most, and that’s what I’ve been working on this entire year. Some days, I think that I’m almost over it, but then other days, I get triggered (especially when it comes to his drinking and our finances) and feel like I’m back to Day 1 of discovering what he has done to me.
I joined a Divorce Care group at the beginning of this year, which is founded by church organizations, and started wanting to understand more about Christianity, so I joined a MeetUp group at a local church with a weekly meetup introducing people to Christianity as well.
The entire MeetUp group series is based on “Mark’s Gospel” and I actually had a great time during the first meetup group. However, I glanced at their workbook and saw that getting a divorce is committing a sin. That once again threw me into the worst state of mind as I now feel that I’m screwed and damned for eternity. I messaged the pastor and told him that I’m going through a very difficult divorce right now and am unable to continue attending the meetup group as it’s too triggering being told constantly that I will be committing a sin by doing so.
All of the people at the church Meetup group seemed so “proper”, and most of them came with their significant other. After glancing through the workbook and seeing the part on divorce being a sin, I started to feel smaller and smaller…. What will they think of me if they find out that I’m getting divorced? Will all the wives now think that I’m a dangerous predator to their husbands?
I managed to push myself through the entire 13 weeks of Divorce Care group meetings but unsubscribed from the Divorce Care daily inspirational emails.
Now that I’m near my agreed-upon divorce deadline, and being forced into facing reality, I’m once again going through this existential crisis on a deeper level. What on earth did I accomplish during my over 14 years of marriage when I placed my main focus on him, on his drinking, and on my marriage??? He placed his only importance throughout our marriage on his work and his drinking, so nothing much is changing in his life, besides not having someone to do all the non-work-related things for him anymore. I, on the other hand, placed the sole importance on our marriage and getting him to stop drinking, and now I will have nothing left to show for the past 14 years of my life. I placed all my eggs in one basket, and now they’re all shattered…
Even when he wasn’t drinking, he was still a “dry drunk” as he never sought any help in sorting out his emotional issues, which was the main reason that he was drinking, to self-medicate. He was unhappy and emotionally unavailable all the time and I just kept on telling myself that I’ll just have to accept it, as long as he’s not drinking. And what good did that do? I had to shut down my own emotions as well so that I won’t feel so neglected and hurt by his unavailability on all levels.
I’ve just resubscribed to the Divorce Care daily inspirational emails a few days ago and am once again being forced to remember how the church speaks of getting divorced being a sin.
I’ve been following the Embrace Church which speaks of following Jesus, and Not church organizations; even if you’re not a Christian, even if you’re a sinner, which we are all. This is what their latest series on “Deconstruct” talks about. I’m keeping an open mind to understand more about the real Christianity, even if I’m a sinner, which we all are.
Some days, I really feel like I’m in a complete state of panic. I don’t even know the meaning of life anymore. I’m still trying to figure out the meaning of life. Will I ever figure that out? I’m trying to go easy on myself and just take it one day at a time now…
Battle Belongs
~ Songwriters: Brian Mark Johnson / Philip David Wickham
When all I see is the battle, You see my victory
When all I see is the mountain, You see a mountain moved
And as I walk through the shadow, Your love surrounds me
There’s nothing to fear now for I am safe with You
So when I fight, I’ll fight on my knees
With my hands lifted high
Oh God, the battle belongs to You
And every fear I lay at Your feet
I’ll sing through the night
Oh God, the battle belongs to You
And if You are for me, who can be against me? Yeah
For Jesus, there’s nothing impossible for You
When all I see are the ashes, You see the beauty
Thank You God
When all I see is a cross, God, You see the empty tomb
So when I fight, I’ll fight on my knees
With my hands lifted high
Oh God, the battle belongs to You
And every fear I lay at Your feet
I’ll sing through the night
Oh God, the battle belongs to You
Almighty fortress, You go before us
Nothing can stand against the power of our God
You shine in the shadow, You win every battle
Nothing can stand against the power of our God
An almighty fortress, You go before us
Nothing can stand against the power of our God
You shine in the shadow, You win every battle
Nothing can stand against the power of our God
An almighty fortress, You go before us
Nothing can stand against the power of our God
You shine in the shadows, You win every battle
Nothing can stand against the power of our God
So when I fight, I’ll fight on my knees
With my hands lifted high
Oh God, the battle belongs to You
And every fear I lay at Your feet
I’ll sing through the night
Oh God, the battle belongs to You
Oh God, the battle belongs to You