Being safe in the external environment is a major initial goal in therapy for traumatized people who are still threatened in their present-day life.
However, even though many traumatized people are (relatively) safe in their environment, they still do not feel safe. Thus, a major goal in therapy is to establish a sense of inner safety, of being safe with yourself, all parts of yourself, with your inner experiences.
An inner sense of safety, also referred to as a safe state (O’Shea, 2009), is the awareness of feeling relaxed and calm in the present moment, when there is no actual threat or danger.
1. Developing an Inner Sense of Safety:
Inner safety is strongly related to being able to be present in the here and now, and in feeling secure in at least one or two trusting relationships with other people.
Traumatized individuals often do not feel safe with their own inner experiences, that is, with some of their own emotions, thoughts, sensations, and other actions of dissociative parts.
Subsequent avoidance of inner experience makes it hard to stay present, and it sets in motion an inner cycle of fear, criticism, and shame, adding yet more to a lack of inner safety.
If the concept of “safety” seems too foreign to you, you may think instead of a pleasant and calm place, a place where you feel understood and accepted, or perhaps a place where you are alone and know you will not be disturbed.
2. Ways to Create a Sense of Inner Safety:
a. Being in the Present:
You can train yourself to consciously let go of inner tension, to allow all parts of you to notice this moment of safety and well-being, of relaxation and inner quiet, even though at first these moments may be few and far between.
A sense of safety can occur when all parts of you can agree to at least temporarily let go of inner conflicts and criticism and to focus on the present moment.
This may be difficult to achieve and may not last long in the beginning, but you will find that all parts of you appreciate this state, and the more you practice, the easier it will become.
b. Developing Imaginary Inner Safe Places:
Individuals with a dissociative disorder typically experience a vicious cycle of rage, shame, fear, and hopelessness inside that contributes to a lack of inner safety.
Some parts are angry and critical, while others are hurting, afraid, or ashamed. There are often strong conflicts among these different parts. The more parts express their pain, the angrier and more hurtful other parts become, because they cannot tolerate what they consider to be “weakness.”
The more angry and critical parts are toward other parts, the more these parts suffer. This creates an endless loop of inner misery and lack of safety.
Angry parts feel some relief once they learn that terrified or hurting parts are quieter when they feel safer.
Thus, you are able to reduce conflict by helping both types of parts simultaneously. Once you are able to develop an inner imaginary safe space, all parts of you can experience it and have it available anytime you need or want.
For example, when some parts of the personality are overwhelmed, and you need to accomplish an important task, these parts may go to the safe place to rest while you complete your task.
Such parts may feel calmer in an imaginary safe place until such time that they can focus on their healing during therapy.
Some people find that one imaginary place is sufficient for all parts of themselves, while others feel the need for different places that match the differing needs of parts. And of course, inner safe places should always be paired with efforts to ensure your safety with other people and in the world. You cannot have an inner sense of safety without actually being safe!
3. Example of Imaginary Inner Safe Place:
Although technically not spaces, some people like the image of protective covering: space suit, suit of armor, invisible force field, invisible cloak (for more of this type of imagery, see “The Store” exercise in chapter 14).
4. Your Safe Place:
You may want a safe (or quiet) place for all parts of yourself together, or some parts may want their own place. Pay close attention to what various parts of you want or need. Remember that imagination is limitless and can be continually adapted as your needs change.
Remember that a prime rule is not to criticize or judge parts for what they imagine, and for what they want or need, even if you do not agree. Perhaps not all parts of you can yet participate; that is fine. Just start where you are able.
A safe place should be a private place that only you know about, and that no one else can find or intrude upon without your permission. If you feel especially unsafe, you can imagine that your place is surrounded by a fence, a wall, a special invisible field, or an alarm system.
You are in charge of whether you allow other people there. You can also negotiate with all parts to respect each other’s places and not intrude or “visit” without permission.
Feel free to add anything you want in this place to improve your sense of comfort, well-being, and safety.
Any part of you may go to a safe place at any time. Some parts may voluntarily go to a safe place when there has been some inner collaboration and agreement that this might provide temporary relief or containment. However, never try to shut away or hide parts to get rid of them!
A literal safe place at home is also important for many people. You can create a special room or corner of a room that represents your safe place. You may add items to this place that represent safety and calm to you. Choose colors and textures that are pleasant or quieting, objects that have a positive meaning to you, photographs of people who care about you, or of places that you find pleasant.
5. Homework:
a. Developing an Inner Sense of Safety and Safe Places
