I joined GriefShare a few weeks ago, at around the same time I joined DivorceCare. I had a cat called “Lucky” back when I was studying Dentistry in South Africa. He ended up with a UTI and then died from septicemia afterwards. I was devastated. He was my best friend, my baby. I ended up with major depression and had to take “Aropax” which finally helped me to get better. The psychiatrist suggested that I continue to take it until I graduate from dental school since I’m under so much stress as well. I stopped taking it after I graduated.
However, I’ve learned from that experience that I do not deal with the death of my loved ones well, or just death in general. My father is 90 years old and has a thyroid tumor. He also has Parkinson’s and memory loss. I pray every day that he will live for another 30 years or more. However, I constantly have this great fear in the back of my mind that one of these days, I’ll get a call from mom, telling me that he has passed away or will be soon…
I wasn’t even aware that I had clinical depression after Lucky died. I just knew that everyday after coming home from dental school, I’ll lie down on my bed and start to cry. It just became my way of life. I was also failing at school. I wasn’t meeting the quota of the number of patients that I had to see. The Head of the Maxillo-Facial and Oral Surgery, Dr. Lownie, told me to go to her office one day and told me that I will not pass the year, unless I go and see the Head of the Psychiatry department. I had no choice but to do that, and it was then found that I had clinical depression. I am very thankful to her for forcing me to seek help, as it never occurred to me that I was depressed. I was only aware of it after taking Aropax for about month, when one day, I suddenly felt as if the dark clouds have been lifted over my shoulder.
My ex-husband continues to drink and drive. I have this constant fear that he will end up in an accident one of these days and either end up hurting someone/himself, or killing someone and/or himself.
I feel so helpless and powerless over this fear and that’s why I’ve joined GriefShare. I’m hoping to learn some survival skills to deal with it when the time comes. I am very afraid that I won’t be able to deal with it.
I also attended an online Al-Anon meeting last weekend and felt more at peace afterwards. I’m going to start attending more Al-Anon online meetings now, as it helps me to feel that I’m not all alone in this world dealing with my ex-husband’s addiction and my fear as to what grave consequences may happen to him.
I was also attending Co-Dependency in-person meetings last year. However, it’s at the same time as the DivorceCare in-person meeting that’s starting in February. So, I’ll probably check up for some Co-Dependency online meetings until I finish the DivorceCare in-person meetings.
I Need to Let Go. I Need to Just Let Go and Let God…
Fire and Rain
~ James Taylor
Just yesterday mornin’, they let me know you were gone
Suzanne, the plans they made put an end to you
I walked out this morning and I wrote down this song
I just can’t remember who to send it to
I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain
I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I’ve seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I’d see you again
Won’t you look down upon me, Jesus?
You’ve got to help me make a stand
You’ve just got to see me through another day
My body’s aching and my time is at hand
And I won’t make it any other way
Oh, I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain
I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I’ve seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I’d see you again
Been walking my mind to an easy time
My back turned towards the sun
Lord knows, when the cold wind blows
It’ll turn your head around
Well, there’s hours of time on the telephone line
To talk about things to come
Sweet dreams and flying machines in pieces on the ground
Oh, I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain
I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I’ve seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I’d see you, baby
One more time again, now
Thought I’d see you one more time again
There’s just a few things coming my way this time around, now
Thought I’d see you, thought I’d see you, fire and rain, now