Day: August 28, 2021

Once again feeling nostalgic… It was a strange experience. He is ten years younger than me, although he initially thought that I was younger than him. He’s a karate black belt Dan and instructor. He is strong, powerful and very sexual. He’s had threesomes in the past. His best friend’s ex-fiancé wanted to experience a threesome with the both of them. I guess things got complicated afterwards and they broke up.

When we had sex, he told me that I was the best sex he has ever had. I didn’t know that he had a girlfriend when we first slept together. Right after we had sex, he told me that he has a girlfriend, and that he’s leaving her.

We had tender, loving and gentle sex the first time we were together. It seemed like he thought I was a virgin. He stared at my naked body and my face with no make up on (I don’t usually put on any make up, sometimes just a light foundation powder for sunscreen protection) and told me that he can’t believe that I am 10 years older than him.

We hooked up for quite a bit afterwards, and he also stayed over at my apartment and I gave him acupuncture treatments. We had sensual, kinky and erotic sex all combined into one. I sat in him and told him to choke me while we had sex, and I told him to “fuck me like a whore” ~ I guess to help me get in touch with the pain that I felt deep down inside of me…

I like intense pressure and force, but not pain though….

I told him to punch towards my face with a closed fist, and to stop at the very last second, because I trusted that he would be able to. He was very nervous about that, but he managed to pull it through! I wanted to see if I would be able to not wince. I did not wince, but I did scream though. It was so exhilarating!

However, the more we hung out together, the more I realized how immature he was. The videos that he watched, the movies that he told me about, the music that he listened to (There was one song that I really liked though ~ “Father and Son” by Cat Stevens. I think he had experienced some “Father Wounding” while growing up… If I remember correctly, his parents got divorced when he was young.), and the things that he was interested in… We drifted further and further apart….

I think this would have been what my encounter would have been like with manho, had we ever gotten together; as he seems like a very immature person, especially regarding the way he handled us. You can be younger, yet mature, like someone else I know of, who is of the exact same age as manho.

The sex with manho (if we had ever gotten together) ~ maybe not too bad; but the communication would have been dreadful! He already can’t hold a short 5-minute conversation together, how are we supposed to have a conversation for 30 minutes or longer??? Communication is of utmost importance in any kind of relationship, and that unfortunately, is the skill that manho lacks.

My husband is not a bad man. He’s just not the man who can fulfill my deepest desires and wishes, I guess… in my mind, body, spirit, and soul…

When I have sex, I let go of all of my inhibitions and end up screaming and writhing a lot. One time, when my husband and I had sex, he told me that when we make love, that it doesn’t have to always be like what is done in the porn movies. I was so taken aback by what he said. So now I can’t even let go of my inhibitions during sex with him??? I guess he would like to imagine himself fucking a virgin, instead of a temptress, when having sex. From that point onwards, it started to affect how I felt, and how I acted whenever we had sex. I will never forget that moment…

I guess, I need to be with a man who appreciates, and enjoys me being totally uninhibited (and he himself as well) when we have sex. Someone who is willing to be vulnerable and open to our raw, intense emotions, feelings, and sensations.

I have to admit though, that I used to prefer having gentle, tender and loving sex. It was after being raped by my ex that I started to develop this tendency at times to want to experience rough sex ~ perhaps as a way to heal my pain, and the sense of guilt and shame that I felt while being raped by him?

These two beautiful superstars (they both are actors and singers) in this music video passed away too soon. Anita Mui died of cervical cancer at the age of 40. Leslie Cheung committed suicide at the age of 46. Rest in Peace my sweet angels.

I am grateful for life, and I am grateful for what I have in life… 🌷

似水流年 (The Passing Years Are Like the Flowing Water)

wàng zhe hǎi yí piàn 
望著海一片
Gazing at the endless sea
mǎn huái juàn   wú lèi yě wú yán 
滿懷倦    無淚也無言
I run out of tears and words
wàng zhe tiān yí piàn 
望著天一片 
Looking at the endless sky
zhǐ gǎn dào qíng huái luàn 
只感到情懷亂   
I’m dazed and confused
wǒ de xīn yòu sì xiǎo mù chuán 
我的心又似小木船  
My heart is like a small wooden boat
yuán jǐng bú jiàn 
遠景不見
Though I can not see the future
dàn réng xiàng zhe qián 
但仍向著前   
But I still move forward
shuí zài mìng lǐ zhú zǎi wǒ 
誰在命裡主牢我
Who is in control of my life?
měi tiān zhēng zhá rén hái lǐ miàn 
每天掙扎 人海裡面
Struggling every day among the crowds
xīn zhōng gǎn tàn sì shuǐ liú nián 
心中感嘆 似水流年   
My heart mourns. The passing years are like the flowing water…
bù ké yǐ liú zhù zuó tiān 
不可以留住昨天   
You can’t hold on to yesterday

liú xià zhí yǒu sī niàn  (Chorus starts)
留下只有思念 
What is left are only memories
yí chuàn chuàn yóng yuǎn chán 
一串串永遠纏 
In bits and pieces that I will forever treasure
hào hàn yān bō lǐ 
浩瀚煙波裡 
Amidst the immense mist-covered sea
wǒ huái niàn   huái niàn wǎng nián 
我懷念     懷念往年  
I cherish the memories of the passing years
wài mào zǎo gǎi biàn 
外貌早改變   
The appearances have already changed
chǔ jìng dōu biàn 
處境都變   
The situation has changed too
qíng huái wèi biàn 
情懷未變   
But the feelings never will… (Chorus ends)

• Theme for the Week:
• 🌷 Letting Go!
• Affirmations for the Week:
• 🌷 I fight my battles wisely.
• 🌷 I let go of the need to control others, and of the outcome.
• 🌷 By not letting other people’s actions affect me, I free myself from fear, anger, anxiety and sadness.
• 🌷 I let go for the sake of my own health and wellbeing!
• 🌷 Let Go and Let God!
• My Healing Plan
• Sunday (08/22/21):
• 🌺 Crown (7th) Chakra ~ Meditation and Silence
• 🌺 I sit still in meditation regularly. I know there is power in silence.
• 🌺 In the silence, I am open to receive without asking and without expectation. In the silence, I will hear and see the truth!
• 🍋 My husband just came home now. Once again, he decided to not do what I asked of him, same as last week when I got mad at him. I decided to just let it go. I remind myself how he acted kindly towards me last Sunday when I thought that I had lost my cellphone while shopping. I tell myself that this is not that big of a deal.
• 🍋 I also remind myself the reality, that oftentimes, he’ll intentionally do the opposite of what I ask of him.
• 🍋 At the same time, I also remind myself that I should also put myself in his shoes. If he keeps on asking me of things that I don’t think is such a big deal, then I’ll get annoyed with him as well. I might also intentionally do the opposite of what he has asked me to do (or not to do) since I’ll feel that either way is acceptable.
• 🍋 I also remind myself that I should let go of control issues. The more I care about fine details, the more it affects me. By letting go of issues that are not of great concern, I am actually freeing myself from a lot of fear, anger and anxiety. If anything, I’ll let it go for my own health and wellbeing. With that being said, I’m letting it go!
• 🍋 There was definitely a reason for my husband and I to meet each other and to be together. Our very difficult relationship forces me to change my behavior and thought patterns. It forces me to learn many difficult lessons in life, such as letting go of the need to control others, letting go of perfectionism, and learning to look at things from another perspective.
• Monday (08/23/21):
• 🌻 Happy Monday!
• 🌻 I did not sleep well last night, got a lot of things on my mind. I also tried out the CES (Cranial Electrotherapy Stimulation) device I ordered to help with my sleep issues & for pain management. It actually gave me a headache, but I’m hoping that’s because I’m just getting used to it.
• 🌻 I’m feeling pretty happy though, because I just joined a 7 Week Tarot Masterclass to teach me how to do tarot readings for myself and for others. I’ve been wanting to learn how to read Tarot cards for a long time now! It starts on September 7th, I can’t wait! 😃
• 🌻 I also just found out that there will be another 15-day Hormone Reset starting on Sept 20. I first joined back in May and once you join this program, you’re in for life. They start a new reset every 4 months. I felt a lot of positivity when I joined the program back in May and can’t wait to start it again in September! They taught last time that one of the ways to maintain a healthy hormonal balance is to have an orgasm every day! Woohoo! 🥰
• 🌻 I have my second Functional Medicine appointment this afternoon to go through the rest of my test results. Dr. P already told me last time that I have mold issues in my body, so hopefully he’ll provide me with more details on how to do a mold detox. Our townhouse had serious water damage and mold issues last year. I guess I must have inhaled a lot of mold spores that remained trapped in my body ever since then.
• 🌻 I am getting healthier and happier each day in my Mind, Body and Spirit! Woohoo! 😃
• Tuesday (08/24/21):
• 🌈 I have finally decided to use Google voice typing instead to help me relieved my right shoulder and arm pain. This is a learning progress but I think it is definitely beneficial for me in the long run.
• 🌈 I am a fast thinker, especially being an Aries sun and Gemini rising, I have many thoughts going through my head all at once constantly. This voice recognition typing is actually a lot slower than my thought speed, but I guess it will help me to slow down my mind.
• 🌈 I’ll still have to do a lot of editing, but this will help to eliminate at least 70% of my typing.
• 🌈 This way, I can continue to journal and express my thoughts, to help heal myself; without causing repetitive motion injuries to myself. Why didn’t I think of this much sooner? 🤔
• 💗 I feel so much love coming from so many people in my life. I feel that all of my healthcare practitioners truly care for my health and wellbeing ~ my chiropractor, my physical therapist, my functional medicine & functional neurology doctor, and my DBT therapist. Thank you all so much! I am so blessed! 😃
• Wednesday (08/25/21):
• 🏵️ Thank goodness I finished my DBT intake sessions yesterday afternoon and could start having phone coaching support 24/7, i.e. there is a support number that I can call whenever I feel that I need some emotional support. I called the phone coaching line last night when I was feeling overwhelmed with having to move back to Taiwan for my sister, and the resentful feelings I have towards that situation.
• 🏵️ While waiting for a therapist to call me back, I started journaling “Red Bean”. A therapist called me back and walked me through the steps of “Radical Acceptance”.
• 🏵️ Acceptance is not saying what happened is okay, and acceptance is not giving up or giving in. Acceptance is acknowledging reality so you can marshal your psychological and emotional resources to move forward and heal. Learning to accept reality, and then using your skills to be as effective as possible, is the path forward and the way to end suffering. Source(s): The DBT Deck for Clients and Therapists: 101 Mindful Practices to Manage Distress, Regulate Emotions & Build Better Relationships
• 🏵️ After we ended the call, I finished journaling “Red Bean”, did some EFT tapping and finally was able to fall asleep for a few short hours. I still feel pretty tired right now, but just am glad that I was finally able to fall asleep last night.
• 🏵️ I had been thinking, that for the past two nights, my brain has been on overdrive. My sister didn’t just get ill last weekend. It’s also not the first time that they had to transfer her back to the critical care unit since she has been placed in long term care at the beginning of 2020. So I did some more digging to see for any other possibilities that’s causing me all this excess anxious energy for the past two nights.
• 🏵️ I remembered that I’ve started two new activities for the past two days: a. CES therapy (30 minutes) just before bed, and b. taking a whole lot more of supplements (prescribed by Dr. P) after interpreting my Functional Medicine lab test results on Monday. I think it has overloaded my body. I’m already experiencing abdominal pain from the large dosages of supplements being prescribed to me by Dr. P, e.g. 5000mg of Vit C (I’ve only increased it to 2000mg in the past 2 weeks, but am already experiencing digestive symptoms).
• 🏵️ I’m supposed to go back for my first follow up appointment in a month’s time but I called this morning to move it to two month’s time instead. I want to very gently increase my supplements and their dosages so that I don’t overwhelm my body. I’ll also just do one 15-min CES treatment per day (not just before bed) for now and see if my body can start to calm down again.
• 🏵️ I was feeling so tired yesterday that I almost crashed into the car in front of me while I was driving to my DBT appointment. I stepped on the brakes so hard and thank goodness was able to avoid a disaster at the very last minute. I need to make sure that I take care of my sleep, energy level, and focus for now.
• 🏵️ Whenever my sister is not doing well, I get triggered so badly. It would be easier if someone just stabbed my heart with a dagger, then pulled out the dagger so that I can quickly bleed to death. In my sister’s case, it’s as if someone stabbed my heart with a dagger and then just pulled it out a little bit, so that I can’t die from it, I can only bleed drops of blood and feel the pain constantly. I fear that this is how I will have to live for the rest of my life ~ bleeding drops of blood and feeling the pain constantly…
• Thursday (08/26/21):
• 😃 Yay, it’s time!!! Congratulations to them and I pray that it goes smoothly!
• Friday (08/27/21):
• 💐 I am still feeling very angry and hurt as to how that player toyed with my emotions and feelings for over a year, and is still continuing to do so.
• 💐 However, resentment is like taking poison, and waiting for the other person to die. While I’m here still unable to get over how badly he has treated me, he’s there physically screwing high school drop out floozies while at work, and elsewhere!
• 💐 And for someone to be screwing their colleague at work, that already tells you how little integrity this person has!
• 💐 I believe in Karma and I believe in Justice. He will get what he deserves in due time.
• 💐 The best revenge you can have is to live a healthy, happy and wonderful life for yourself!
• 💐 I now see you exactly as you are ~ a Player, an immature boy who is trapped by his ego, fears and addictions. I hope you will be able to grow up one day, accept responsibility for all the harm that you have caused me, and make amendments for them.
• 💐 However, I am not holding my breath. Even if you never ever see the error of your ways, I will continue to live a joyful and fulfilling life!
• 💐 I don’t know what has happened to you in your life, but you’re really messed up badly! I hope you’ll be able to heal whatever has caused you to become a manipulative and conniving devil that use people to get what you want, at all costs!
• 💐 If it becomes too difficult to continue having to see you, then I have my backup plan as well.
• 💐 When I watch the way you treat some of them; I can’t quite put my finger on it yet, but something does not feel right. I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels this way. If you don’t stop what you’re doing, then you will end up losing your license and destroying your entire future!
• 💐 Ironically, I was treated previously by someone with the same first name as you. His license was revoked and he went to prison for sexual misconduct. He blatantly violated me once, and I found out later on that it was just before he lost his license and went to prison. I guess he figured that he might as well do whatever he wants before it happens. He never learned his lesson. I hope that same fate does not happen to you as well!
• 💐 You are NOT my Twin Flame! You are just the DEVIL! Even the shadow side of me would not have had the heart to do all of the manipulative and hurtful things that you’ve done to me. We are not of the same kind!
• 💐 All is Well. I AM Doing Just Fine!
• Saturday (08/28/21):
• Sixth (Third Eye) Chakra ~ Acknowledge Spirit
• I trust in a higher source and I acknowledge my direct connection with it.