Day: August 14, 2021

This was one of my favorite songs back in dental school. It has a melancholic tone to it, and reflects how I used to feel back then. Sometimes, I feel like I’m “the Guitar Man”. I keep on drifting miles and miles away, constantly searching for the songs to play…

Johannesburg (the city where my dental school is located) is about 6.5 hours away from the nearest ocean (the Indian ocean, in Durban). I have always loved the ocean since I was a child, so always long to go to the beach and watch the waves ebb and flow.

My father got transferred back to Taiwan after I started dental school, and then my entire family went back not long thereafter. I was the only one left in South Africa, all on my own. The university breaks were the hardest times for me since most of my friends live near Durban and they all went home during the spring and winter breaks.

One time (I can’t remember if we were on a spring break or winter break), three of my friends (and classmates) were going to carpool together and go back to Durban. They came to visit me at my flat to bid me goodbye. After we got talking for a while, they told me to come along with them. And I said “Yes”! 😃 So I quickly packed my bags and we took off together to Durban. I remember something funny that happened along the way. We passed by many farmlands and could smell the manure even with our windows closed. So someone accused someone else (can’t remember who accused who now) of farting! 😆

All four of us are good friends and study buddies. We each have a study partner and the 6 of us became good friends and formed our own study group, so we hung out together a lot. We did everything together; whether it’s studying together, or having fun.

My good friend (if I remember correctly, it was he who held me in his arms as I was passing out during our group meeting) invited me to stay with him at his parent’s home. He always took good care of me, and helped me with whatever I was struggling with at the time. We also studied together and just sat on the grass chatting and relaxing during breaktimes. I would actually lie on his lap (or on the grass next to him? I can’t remember now…) and just fall asleep for a while.

He’s very supportive of me, and I always felt this energy of unconditional love emanating from him; that even if we never got together romantically, he will always still be there for me. He’s a couple of years older than me, and I also felt like he’s my big brother.

We went to the beach at night when I stayed at his parent’s place in Durban. We stood on the pier and I told him that I just want to jump off the pier and end my life. The stress from dental school (that I did not enjoy to begin with), from being completely alone on my own, from my sister’s illness, and from my abusive relationship with my ex just took a complete toll on my health ~ physically and mentally. He held me tightly and comforted me.

Eventually, something happened between us physically, but I did not feel that we were compatible intimately, so I wanted us to stay as friends. He came to my flat to talk about it. Thinking back, when I was under extreme stress, my brain would shut down completely. It was a long conversation and after a while, my brain just shut down and I fell asleep. I woke up when I heard him storming out and slamming the door behind him. I quickly ran out and he yelled something very hurtful to me as he walked away…

His parents came to congratulate me on our graduation ceremony, but him and I never spoke again since that day he stormed out of my flat.

I had thought about him and about us over the years. When I first joined Facebook, I added all of my dental school friends and was so excited to be communicating with them once again, and in such a convenient way. I didn’t send a friend request to him back then as I wasn’t sure if I should.

I finally created a new Facebook profile this year after being dormant for many years, ever since all of my devices & accounts got hacked back in 2017. I quickly found all of my dental friends and we started communicating again! 😃 My study partner told me that she has formed a group on WhatsApp and invited me to join that group. She told me the members in that group, and it included him as well. I told her that I’m too overwhelmed with having to re-create and manage a whole bunch of social media accounts and just want to stick with Facebook for now. I told her that I will contact him on Facebook instead.

I messaged him on Facebook and sent him a friend request as well. He added me on as a Facebook friend and told me that he contracted Covid from a patient last year. He lost 22 kgs in 3 weeks and almost died, but that he is healed now. I told him that I am so happy that he is okay now and am glad that our friendship has stayed as strong as ever.

He messaged me on Facebook last Saturday to let me know that ever since our last conversation (which was a few months back), his heart has stopped beating three times, due to Covid complications. He said that he is feeling better now and wake up every day feeling so lucky to be alive.

I was so sad and worried to hear that. 😥 I thanked him for letting me know about this and asked for us to keep in touch more often. I told him that I’m really happy that we got to reconnect again; that he was a good friend, and we had some really good times together.

He replied back and said that I was the best friend to him and he appreciates it very much. He said that he is also very happy that we have finally reconnected.

I was so touched from what he said. 😭 I wish things were different, and that we were able to remain good friends for all these years… I’m so grateful that he has survived Covid, and is slowly feeling better now. I wish for us to rebuild our friendship again. I’ll message him more often and see how he’s doing…

I don’t know why, but whenever I hear this song, it brings me back to the memories I have of standing on the pier, and just wanting to jump into the ocean…

The Guitar Man

~ Bread

Who draws the crowd and plays so loud
Baby it’s the guitar man
Who’s gonna steal the show
You know, baby, it’s the guitar man

He can make you love
He can make you cry
He will bring you down
Then he’ll get you high
Somethin’ keeps him goin’
Miles and miles a day
To find another place to play

Night after night who treats you right
Baby, it’s the guitar man
Who’s on the radio
You go listen to the guitar man

Then he comes to town
And you see his face
And you think you might
Like to take his place
Somethin’ keeps him driftin’
Miles and miles away
Searchin’ for the songs to play

Then you listen to the music
And you like to sing along
You want to get the meaning
Out of each and every song
Then you find yourself a message
And some words to call your own
And take them home

He can make you love
He can get you high
He will bring you down
Then he’ll make you cry
Somethin’ keeps him movin’
But no one seems to know
What it is that makes him go

Then the lights begin to flicker
And the sound is getting dim
The voice begins to falter
And the crowds are getting thin
But he never seems to notice
He’s just got to find
Another place to play

Fade away
Got to play
Fade away
Got to play

• Theme for the Week:
• Functional Nutrition Test Results – Appointment 1
• One glass of vege juice per day
• Start taking Neuroptene every day
• Affirmations for the Week:
• Better and Better!
• I AM getting Happier & Healthier each and every day!
• I AM filled with Energy and Vitality!
• Sunday (08/08/21):
• 🌺 Today is Father’s day in Taiwan. It would have been easier if Taiwan just followed the rest of the world and celebrated Father’s day on the third Sunday in June each year. However, the number ‘8’ is pronounced ‘Ba’ in Mandarin, and so is the word ‘father’. This is why Taiwan celebrates Father’s day on the 8th of August each year. I just have to remember to buy the Father’s day card in June because they no longer sell it after Father’s day in the US.
• 🌺 I called my parents just now to wish my dad “Happy Father’s Day”. We actually sent my dad two Father’s day cards this year. Mom said that she keeps all of the greeting cards we send them and took out two from the previous years to read to my dad today.
• 🌺 Mom read the Father’s day cards that my husband and I sent to my dad in 2018 and 2019 to me over the phone just now. I love the one I wrote to dad in 2018. I wished dad great health, happiness, and love. I also wrote that I hope dad can live for another 30 or 40 years! 😃
• 🌺 I really hope my mom and dad can live for another 30, 40 years. I wanna be able to take care of them and repay back some of the love and support that they have provided me with my entire life. I will never be able to match all of the love and support that they provide me with, but wish to at least be able to repay some back to them.
• 🌺 Happy Father’s Day my Dearest Daddy! I love you so much! I will always be your little girl! I wish you great health, happiness, wealth, joy and love! I pray that you live for another 30, 40 years in great health. I look forward to our family being together again one day, soon! Love you lots, WaWa! 🥰
• Monday (08/09/21):
• 🎂 My dad, mom and sister’s birthdays are all at the beginning of September, just a few days apart from each other. Yup, three Virgo’s in our family of five! Sometimes, I’d get lazy and just send one birthday card for all three of them but one year, mom told me that my sister was feeling unhappy because she didn’t get a card of her own.
• 🎂 This year, I bought two beautiful birthday cards. One for my parents, and one for my sister. I forgot to ask mom for my sister’s address when I called them yesterday to wish my dad Happy Father’s day, so I called mom again just now to ask her. She was very happy to hear that my husband I are sending a birthday card to my sister. She said that she had thought of asking me to do that, but didn’t want to bother us too much.
• 💐 I’ll be going for my Functional Medicine test results this afternoon. I have not eaten bread for over 6 months now. When I went grocery shopping yesterday and got my husband his bread, I started craving for it so much! If my test results show that I’m actually not sensitive (intolerant) to gluten, then I’m gonna either make myself a humongous sandwich, or go and buy the largest burger I can find! 🤤
• 🌸 I’ve been dissociating more these days, especially when I’m in pain. It used to be when I got chiropractic adjustments, but now it’s also when I go for physical therapy and get myofascial release treatments. I’m going to tell my Functional Neurology doctor when I see him this afternoon about this. I may also have to let my physical therapist know about it, so that he doesn’t worry as to what’s going on with me these days?
• Tuesday (08/10/21):
• 🍑 I went for my first Functional Medicine follow-up appointment yesterday afternoon, and No, I did not go and get a Big Mac burger afterwards. ☹️ Reason being that my my saliva test results show that I do have the ‘Gluten Positive Genes’, which means that I have positive gluten sensitivity associated gene alleles. So, I am gluten-sensitive, in plain English. My body does not react well when I take in gluten; which is found in wheat, barley, pastas, noodles, bread, baked goods, cereal & granola, pancakes, and flour tortillas, etc. Basically, in most carbohydrates. 😢
• 🍑 I am also very deficient in Selenium, which is very important for thyroid health. TPO and Selenium are responsible for converting T4 into T3, which helps to maintain muscle control, brain function and development, heart and digestive functions.
• Wednesday (08/11/21):
• My eyes hurt. They’ve been hurting since last year. I just had my annual eye exam two weeks ago and the ophthalmologist said that my eyes are fine, just that I’m not secreting enough oil. He said that my eye pain is caused by my eye dryness. He told me to increase my Omega-3 intake. He also said that my Optic nerve is slightly enlarged, but that it seems to be age-related. I’m due to come back for an eye test in a few months time in order to establish a baseline for that.
• But if it’s just a simple issue of not secreting enough oil, then how can it hurt so much? and every day? Especially when I wake up in the middle of the night, I feel this pain (pressure) behind my eyes.
• My sister once again got hospitalized after she tried to take her own life again towards the end of 2019. After a few months, my parents made the painful decision of sending her to an institution for long term care. It was a grueling few weeks after they made that decision, before she got transferred as this is when doubts kick in and they keep on wondering if that is the right decision?
• She was transferred to the long-term care on January 9th, 2010 in an ambulance, in a sedated state. Otherwise, she would have never agreed to it.
• I cried every single day for months since the end of 2019. Every morning after waking up, I would go and lie on my yoga mat to stretch and start crying. This went on for weeks. Then winter came, so my SAD (seasonal affective depression) kicked in as well.
• I think this is why my eyes have been hurting ever since then. I probably damaged the eye glands somehow from all the crying. Then I took on three work-from-home jobs that required me to stare at the computer monitor constantly. I started noticing more eye issues after I took on the third job.
• I’ve since then slowly stopped all three. I stopped the last one in June. However, my eyes still hurt. I pray that I have not caused irreversible damage to my eyes.
• Thursday (08/12/21):
• 💐 I started DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) group therapy and individual sessions around the middle of 2019 to help with my PTSD symptoms. But then the medical device company that my husband had worked for for over 13 years had to shut down so we lost our health insurance. I stopped all of my medical and health treatments at the end of August 2019.
• 💐 Lately, I had been looking into finding a therapist that specializes in trauma since my dissociation has gotten worse now. Many of them are booked months in advance. I guess the pandemic has brought on more mental health issues now.
• 💐 Yesterday morning, I thought of checking back to see if my DBT therapist that I saw back in 2019 is still with the same clinic, and whether they still had the DBT group sessions. I emailed her and she replied back right away to say that they still are! 😃
• 💐 She had an opening at 2pm so I went and saw her for my initial consultation. I told her that I would like to focus on my “PTSD with dissociation and hypervigilance” for now. I saw that she is also trained in EMDR, which seems to help with dissociation, and asked if we could start from there instead? I told her that lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m just constantly in a mildly dissociated state, and am unable to live my life to its fullest.
• 💐 I still need to go through a couple of intake sessions before we can start the actual treatment. I’m looking forward to starting my EMDR session! 😄
• When I left, I pulled the door of my car and once again it would not open. Why? Because that silver car was not my car! 😝 This time, it wasn’t even a silver SUV, it was a silver sedan. Gosh, Helen, what am I gonna do with you? 🤪
• Friday (08/13/21):
• 😊 I told my physical therapist about my untreated PTSD with hypervigilance & dissociation yesterday afternoon. I told him that I’ve started my first counseling session on Tuesday and am so happy about that. He was very understanding and supportive of my condition. I appreciate that a lot!
• 😊 My therapist emailed to let me know that she’s currently unavailable for the EMDR sessions, but that I can start with the DBT sessions. They have a lot of rules and regulations and if I want to join their DBT group therapy, then I’m not allowed to have any outside therapy at the same. We’ve been going back and forth with our email communications and I just emailed her now to say that I will start with the individual DBT sessions, then add on the DBT group sessions, and later on add on the EMDR sessions as well. Good thing is that the DBT group session that’s starting at the end of September will be on “Distress Tolerance”, which I think will be very useful for me as well.
• 😊 I’m trying to always see the good side of things now, since every situation has a good and bad. So, even though I can’t start with the EMDR sessions right away, but the DBT group sessions on “Distress Tolerance” will be beneficial to me as well.
• 😊 I don’t know how long we’ll still have to stay in Minnesota (or the US), and I don’t know what Taiwan’s mental health system is like. So, I’m going to make the best out of whatever time I have left in Minnesota to learn all the tools I can, and heal as much as I can while I’m still here.
• Saturday (08/14/21):
• 6th Chakra – Third Eye Chakra – Imagination
• My thoughts create my reality at the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual levels.
• I use this power to create harmonious relationships between all these levels.
• I imagine the life I would like to have and I encourage my thoughts to be truthful, wise and discerning!