I called mom just now to see how everyone has been doing for the past week. I told her that the Covid-19 Delta variant is becoming rampant now in the US, and the CDC is now encouraging everyone to wear a mask when indoors, whether they’ve been vaccinated or not. I told mom that it’s a little difficult in Minnesota since most people here have stopped wearing their masks after the mask mandate got lifted back in June.
I’ll Be There – Mariah Carey
I rejoined the gym back in June so that I can walk on the treadmill for a couple of times per week. The main reason is to encourage myself to leave the house every day, and get some sunlight & fresh air. I seem to be the only person that wears a mask at the gym. It’s a good thing that I’m just walking on the treadmill and stretching, so it’s easier to do that with my mask on, since I don’t run out of breath. But sometimes, people will still look at me funny. I’ve also started to attend a weekly meeting focusing on improving self-love, and I’m also the only person there that wears a mask. It takes a lot of courage to do this, and sometimes, I feel like just not wearing a mask so that I don’t stand out from the crowd (in a not so good way), but I then remind myself that my health is much more important than saving face.
Dad’s memory loss has worsened in the past few years. I started noticing it the last time my husband and I went back to Taiwan to visit my family at the end of 2018. We were going to visit them again at the end of 2019 but then my husband lost his job and started his third-shift job around that same time. I was considering going back myself at the beginning of 2020 to visit them, especially after my sister tried to commit suicide, but then Covid struck. We haven’t gone back to Taiwan to visit my family for 2.5 years now, and I miss them dearly.
For the past year, whenever I speak with dad on the phone, he still thinks that my husband is working for the same company that went under at the end of 2019. Being the honest person that I am, I once tried to tell my dad the truth, but the next time we spoke on the phone, he still asked if my husband is working for that same company? I think dad’s memory is stuck with around that time frame. Just like with the movie “50 First Dates” with Drew Barrymore & Adam Sandler, I figured that there’s no use traumatizing my dad just for him to forget the whole thing, and then having to get re-traumatized over and over again. So, whenever dad asks if my husband is still working for the same company these days, I just tell him “Yes”.
And for some odd reason, dad thinks that I’m an immigration officer (instead of the bilingual customer service representative job that I stopped working for two months ago). I’ve also stopped trying to explain to dad that I’m not, and just play along with it. 😛
I remember back in 2018, I asked dad and mom to write some words at the back of a photograph I took of our family, and mom had to tell dad what to write. Dad wrote the words “I will remember you forever”. It still brings tears to my eyes when I think about it, because of dad’s memory loss condition. It was as if subconsciously, he wants to let us know that even if he doesn’t remember us in the future, that deep down inside, he still does. I just miss my family a lot …
I’ll Be There
~ Mariah Carey
You and I must make a pact We must bring salvation back Where there is love, I’ll be there (I’ll be there)I’ll reach out my hand to you I’ll have faith in all you do Just call my name and I’ll be there (I’ll be there)I’ll be there to comfort you Build my world of dreams around you I’m so glad that I found you
I’ll be there with a love so strong I’ll be your strength You know I’ll keep holdin’ on
Let me fill your heart with joy and laughter Togetherness, well it’s all I’m after Just call my name, and I’ll be there (I’ll be there)I’ll be there to protect you (yeah baby) With an unselfish love that respects you Just call my name, and I’ll be there (I’ll be there)I’ll be there to comfort you Build my world of dreams around you You know I’m so glad that I found you baby (so glad baby)I’ll be there with a love so strong I’ll be your strength, (Be your strength) You know I’ll keep holdin’ on
If you should ever find someone new I know she better be good to you ‘Cause if she doesn’t Then I’ll be there (I’ll be there)Don’t you know baby, yeah I’ll be there I’ll be there
Just call my name, and I’ll be there Yeah, I’ll be there baby You know I’ll be there Just call my name and I’ll be there Just look over your shoulder! Just call my name and I’ll be there
I called the cops last Saturday morning, and no, it’s not because of the neighbor that we’re having issues with. The reason may sound silly, but I’m allowed to do so, because I’m a woman 😛.
There was a wasp in our laundry room upstairs. When I went to throw the washed clothes into the dryer, I heard and saw the wasp flying around the lamp on the ceiling. Without finishing putting the washed clothes into the dryer, I quickly left the laundry room and closed the door behind me.
That’s what friends are for
I texted my husband and asked him to come home from work to try and remove the wasp without having to kill it. My husband texted back to say that he’s in the middle of mixing chemicals and will leave in around 30-45 minutes time.
I then called mom and told her that there’s a wasp in our laundry room upstairs, and now what should I do? 🙁 Mom suggested that I leave the laundry door closed until the wasp naturally dies. I started doing an online search while talking with mom and saw that a wasp can survive indoors from 2 days to a few weeks, depending on how much air, food, and water supply there is. Well, I got a bunch of wet clothes waiting to be dried. I told my mom that the wasp could live there for weeks, and we need fresh clothes!
I then told mom that I’ve asked my husband to come home and try to take the wasp outdoors without having to kill it. But as we got talking more, I started to realize that this could be dangerous for my husband as wasps can attack fiercely. Also, the fact that there’s a wasp flying in our upstairs laundry room may indicate that there’s an unsealed opening somewhere for it to come through (We always keep our windows and doors closed due to my allergies). What if other wasps start attacking my husband while he’s trying to carefully capture this one?
I told mom that I will call the cops and see if they can come over and remove the wasp instead. I read on the news a few months ago of firefighters helping a family rescue their cat that went through a hole in their wall and was hiding somewhere in between the walls. I decided to try my luck and see if they’ll send an officer or a firefighter over to help me remove the wasp as well.
I told mom about my plan and we ended the call so that I can call for help. Obviously, I’m not going to call 911 and occupy their phone lines for a non-emergency issue, so I found a non-emergency number to call for our local police station. A dispatcher lady picked up my call and was hesitant in taking down my information. However, she finally kindly took down my info and said that an officer will call me back. An officer called me back a few minutes later and told me that they don’t handle this type of issue and that I’ll have to call an exterminator, or take care of it myself. I asked the officer if he had any suggestions as to how I can remove the wasp inside my home? He said that if it was him, he would just swat it with a newspaper. I thanked the officer and we ended the call.
I then texted my owner to let him know about the situation and asked if I could call an exterminator to come and take care of the wasp, and see if there’s an unsealed opening somewhere? The owner did not respond (he finally did in the afternoon and told us to go ahead if this happens again), so while I was waiting for my husband to come home and for the owner to respond back to my text, I did more online searches and called an exterminator company for a free quote. I asked the customer service representative how much it would cost to send an exterminator over to remove the wasp and check for any unsealed openings?
The customer service representative was kind enough to tell me that it would not be worth my money for them to come over just to remove one wasp. 🤪 He also said that one wasp in our laundry room does not mean that there may be an unsealed opening inside the house. That wasp could have just flew in through our front door and made its way up to our laundry room. He also said that they’ve been getting calls for the past week of wasps everywhere due to the heat and dry conditions that we’re experiencing right now in Minnesota. He said that if this happens again, or if we’re outside our house and notice a wasp nest, then we should call back to get an exterminator to come and have a look. I asked him if he had any suggestions as to how I can remove this wasp in our laundry room. He said the same thing that the officer said, to swat it with a newspaper, or spray it with some insecticide. I started thinking in my mind that I would like to use an insecticide as a last resort, because the smell will last for a long time and I don’t want to end up poisoning ourselves.
While I was talking to the exterminator, my husband texted me to say that he’s on his way home. I started thinking more and felt that it was too great a risk to ask my husband to try and remove the wasp without killing it. I don’t want to kill life, and that even goes for insects. Exceptions may be mosquitoes and cockroaches sometimes though…. Even with insects, if there’s some way I can get it out of the house without having to kill it, then that’s the route I’ll go with. But, my husband’s life (or any human’s life, for that matter) is much more important. What if the wasp goes crazy and starts attacking him viciously, while he tries his best not to harm it (especially because I asked him not to)? What if he gets stung all over and needs to go to the ER, or even worse, ends up with an anaphylactic shock right there and then? You never know about these things. There have been kids who became severely allergic to bee stings and ended up with an anaphylactic shock and died. Just like in the movie “My Girl”, Macaulay Culkin died of multiple bee stings. OK, I’m aware that we’re talking about just one wasp here, but still, you can never be too careful about these things, right?
I decided that my husband’s life is more important than the wasp’s. I will pray for the wasp and ask my husband to make sure that it’s completely dead, so that it doesn’t suffer a slow painful death. I called my husband and told him that I think it’s too risky for him to try and capture the wasp, and it’s better to just kill it instead. I asked him if he wanted to go and buy a fly swatter before coming home. He said that it’s not necessary.
My husband arrived a few minutes later with a red plastic drinking cup. I was shocked! 😲 Like, seriously? This was his only weapon against the wasp???? I asked him if he wanted a larger container but he said no. So we went upstairs and he opened the laundry room door then closed it behind him. I felt scared for him when he closed the door behind him. I was imagining the worst scenarios possible. What if the wasp is flying around angrily and ready to attack him fiercely? He was silent after he closed the laundry room door, which I guessed was a good thing. Then he shouted “I don’t see it!”. I told him that the wasp was flying above the ceiling light when I shut the laundry room door, but he kept on saying that he doesn’t see the wasp. In the past, I would have had no choice but to believe him. However, throughout the years, I’ve slowly learned to trust myself and to become more assertive. I told him again that the wasp must be there as I saw it flying around the ceiling light as I was closing the door to the laundry room (unless there truly is an unsealed opening somewhere). I heard some thumping sounds, then he shouted for me to get a piece of paper. That seemed to mean that he has managed to trap the wasp inside his red drinking cup so I quickly opened the laundry room door and he told me once again to get a piece of paper. I quickly rushed downstairs and found a thick paper folder and brought it back to him.
So, yay! My husband managed to capture the wasp without having to kill it or getting himself hurt! I was really proud of him as I was already emotionally prepared for him to kill the wasp. I told him that he has accumulated 100 “Good Karma Points” and I’m really appreciative for what he did! It truly was very brave of him! 😃. He took the wasp inside the plastic cup with the folder covering the cup’s opening, and went back to work. I reminded him to be careful when releasing the wasp so as not to get stung by it.
I called mom after my husband left to let her know that my husband has removed the wasp so that mom won’t worry about us and can go to sleep. Just like my ex, my mom also enjoys listening to me talk. I went into details about the entire encounter, and I also told her my own opinion as to what the wasp may have been thinking. I told mom that a fly also flew inside a few days ago and that I was patient enough to wait 2 days before I was able to also capture it inside a cup, and then release it outdoors. I told my mom what the fly must have been thinking, and how these insects are communicating with each other about which homes to go to, and the fact that it’s so hot now, so they’re just lurking around, waiting for a chance to fly inside and enjoy our air-conditioned house, with free food and free water.
Mom was so sweet. 😝 After hearing what I had to say, she told me that I should write children’s books, starting from how I first called the cops, then called the exterminator, and then my husband caught the wasp, and how the insects are talking with each other, etc. etc. It’s true, I have a very active imagination, and I can often sense what animals (and people) are saying or thinking. I was so happy to hear mom say that because she always sees the best in me, even with little silly things that I say or do. 😁
My mom is my best cheerleader, and my best friend. She always has a lot of faith and belief in what I think or do. Whatever self-worth I have learned growing up, I learned it because of my mom. My mom always makes me feel like I can accomplish anything I want in life. Sometimes, to the extent where I think that my mom is being a little unrealistic, but I still appreciate her completely. I love my mom so much, not just for being such a kind, and caring person, but for seeing the best in me, especially when I can’t see it myself. Thank you mom!
Oh, and thank you hubby, for being willing to risk your safety to try and capture the wasp instead of killing it! You definitely accumulated 100 or more “Good Karma Points” for doing that! 😝
That’s What Friends Are For
And I never thought I’d feel this way And as far as I’m concerned I’m glad I got the chance to say That I do believe, I love you
And if I should ever go away Well, then close your eyes and try To feel the way we do today And then if you can remember
Keep smiling, keep shining Knowing you can always count on me, for sure That’s what friends are for For good times and bad times I’ll be on your side forever more That’s what friends are for
Well, you came in loving me And now there’s so much more I see And so by the way I thank you
Oh and then for the times when we’re apart Well, then close your eyes and know The words are coming from my heart And then if you can remember
Keep smiling and keep shining Knowing you can always count on me, for sure That’s what friends are for In good times and bad times I’ll be on your side forever more That’s what friends are for
Keep smiling, keep shining Knowing you can always count on me, for sure That’s what friends are for For good times and bad times I’ll be on your side forever more That’s what friends are for
Keep smiling, keep shining Knowing you can always count on me, for sure Cause I tell you, that’s what friends are for Whoa, good times and the bad times I’ll be on your side forever more That’s what friends are for
I haven’t spoken with my ex on the phone for a few weeks now, and we had a nice conversation this afternoon.
I Miss You ~ Klymaxx
I told him about my verbal altercation with my neighbor last weekend. I was describing to my ex the entire story from the beginning to the end. After being married to my husband for 13 years, I’ve learned to make summaries of what I want to say, since my husband will make it obvious after I speak a few sentences that he is losing interest in what I have to say.
My husband is not just like that with me though, he’s like that with everyone. He will summarize something that takes 10 sentences to describe fully into one sentence. However, because of that, specific details often get omitted, or he will come across as being uncaring or insincere.
I guess I’m supposed to not take it personally since my husband is like that with everyone. He often makes it known that he’s not just being short and unemotional towards me, so I shouldn’t be upset about it. Therefore, I’m being treated the same by him just like with anyone else. I guess there’s nothing special about me being his wife, and I shouldn’t be expecting any special treatments from him either.
Not only does my husband not speak much to me, but he also doesn’t want me to speak much to him either. I guess I reluctantly got used to it. When I was telling my ex about my verbal altercation with my neighbor, I started getting self-conscious after about 5 sentences into the conversation. I couldn’t believe that I was still talking about the same topic, and my ex was still listening attentively, with no interruptions, or showing signs that he’s losing interest in what I have to say.
My ex doesn’t talk that much himself either. However, he enjoys listening to what I have to say. In fact, he’ll encourage me to speak. I remember when we’re both in the car (which was very often, since we were always doing things together), and if I didn’t say anything after 5 minutes, he’ll ask me if there’s something that’s bothering me? I remember sometimes I would feel a little stressed out because I felt like I had to constantly come up with some kind of conversation with him. Otherwise, he’ll think that there’s either something wrong with me, or that I’m upset. Man, what a huge difference that is now with my husband!
I got hurt really deeply by my husband last year. I was working three jobs and losing my voice because I had to constantly talk non-stop with the 2 contact tracing jobs. But even so, I still felt that it was important to have daily conversations with my husband and I often had to wrack my brain to think of something to say, since we don’t have much in common to begin with. One day, after he came home, I was talking with him about something, I can’t remember what now, it was probably just small talk. I was already exhausted from my contact tracing job in the morning, and still had my bilingual customer service rep job in the evening, but I still made the effort to speak with him. I barely said three sentences and then he said me, “I guess you’re not THAT tired from your jobs”.
Knowing now that he’s a narcissist, he was able to say it with a smile and a seemingly joking tone, but I could feel it like a dagger piercing through my heart. I could feel him actually wanting to say to me “Stop talking! This is not important! I don’t care to hear about it!”. That was what he really wanted to say to me. It hurt me so deeply, I will never forget it! I think it was after that incidence, that I started to slowly shut down and stopped putting in the effort to communicate with him, unless it’s necessary.
I still miss my ex even though it’s been over 15 years now, and he has physically and sexually hurt me in the past. We don’t ever speak of those incidences in our conversations though. He still keeps all of my belongings, some of which I’m not even aware of that he has. Sometimes, he’ll send me a photo he found saved in his computer of us. Sometimes, he’ll call me just to reminisce of the past. I always try to keep it cool with him over the phone. But the fact of the matter is, I still reminisce of our past as well.
I don’t know why, but my ex is the only person (besides my dad, my mom, and my sister) that I will end up crying when leaving. My ex and I used to always stick together, but there was a very rare occasion where I had to go back to Taiwan first, so he took me to the airport and we hung out at the airport together until it was time for me to board. I remember I kept on looking back, like an abandoned child, and I kept on crying, and he didn’t leave either. He just stood there for the entire time until I finally passed through the immigration gates and could no longer see him. Then one time, he had to go back to Taiwan on his own, and he asked our landlord (who is also our friend) to drive him to the airport because for one, he knows that I have no sense of direction, and I will not for the life of me be able to drive myself out of LAX to go home. I probably won’t even know how to walk back to my car. Secondly, he doesn’t want me to cry my eyes out when he boards.
Even though my ex is three years younger than me, he acts like he’s older than me. It’s probably also because he’s the eldest in the family and I’m the youngest, and I tend to be more child-like. He has said before that he never feels like I’m older than him when we’re together. Thinking back, he’s actually pretty bossy, and controlling of me….. sometimes to the extent where I just get upset and feel like rebelling…..
When I told my ex that we were leaving for Minnesota in 2014, my ex wanted to have dinner with us. I told him it’s not necessary. I didn’t tell him it’s because I know that I’m going to cry my eyes out, and that wouldn’t go well with my husband (I think my ex’s wife was back in Taiwan visiting her father at that time).
When we were on day 2 of our relocation road trip to Minnesota, my ex texted me to tell me that he sat at the Carpinteria beach for the entire day. We used to live in Carpinteria, which was also where my husband’s company was based. I guess my ex was still trying to feel whatever aura I had left behind me in Carpinteria. I was so touched, I wanted to cry, but instead, I just played it cool, like what I’ve been doing all these years, whenever my ex got emotional about our past….
I don’t think that my husband completely does not love me. I mean, he must have some love for me, right? He doesn’t expect me to work or to earn money. He feels that this is his responsibility, his duty. Unfortunately, like many other Asian men who were brought up by their parents from the old culture, my husband just feels that as long as he brings home the bread, it’s enough. He doesn’t have to do anything else. He doesn’t have to care about his wife’s emotional wellbeing or anything else. My husband was an attentive, loving boyfriend, and yet, as soon as we got married, it was like, his whole mentality changed. It was like he had this Book of Life that told him, this is how you treat your girlfriend, and this is how you treat your wife.
When my ex and I first started dating, we made love to each other every single day for over a year. I remember when it went down to three times a week, I told my ex that I was worried about us, that we weren’t making love every single day like before. With my husband, it wasn’t often from the beginning. There were always reasons, when we were dating, he’d travel over three hours (thanks to SoCal’s lousy traffic) back and fro to come and see me, then he started drinking again….
Life is so complicated. Relationships are so complicated. I feel lost in this world…
I suddenly miss SoCal so much now, it physically hurts. My Microsoft OneDrive emails me of photos that were taken on this day throughout the years. There’s one of me with my ex from a long time ago taken at the Hearst Castle in San Luis Obispo, California. There’s another one of me, also taken years ago (on this day) by my husband.
This just brings back waves of memories of my past. The past that I just want to let go, so that I can move on with my life.
In the Neighborhood – Vonda Shepard
I got into a verbal altercation with my neighbor next door yesterday over his noise issues and his visitors’ cars parking onto our side of the driveway. It ended with him saying that he will play loud music just for us every morning, and with me telling him that I will call his agent and call the cops.
After saying that, I stormed back into my townhouse and slammed the door. I called his agent and left a voicemail asking her to intervene before this situation escalates further. I also texted my agent and she said that she will call our association on Monday to see what actions can be taken against my neighbor.
I ended up with a huge headache and had to put acupuncture needles on my head, and practice deep breathing.
I texted my agent just now to tell her that we’ll wait for a while longer to see if the situation improves, before escalating it with the association. We would like to give our neighbor the benefit of the doubt that he just said those mean words in the heat of the moment and doesn’t really want to make the situation worse.
I’ll also start looking for another place for rent. It’s difficult though, with it being the seller’s market. Most homeowners are choosing to sell their homes, instead of renting it out. The Covid situation last year also didn’t help, with homeowners being forced to let non-paying tenants continue to stay rent-free.
I’ll also start packing, purging and donating things that we don’t need to lighten up our load.
I just miss the ocean so much. I wish I could drive down to the ocean right now. We’ve lived on beachfront property in Ventura County previously and I would just go for a walk every afternoon and feel rejuvenated afterwards. Even after we moved to the hilltop, it was still just a 15 minute drive to the ocean. Now, I’m not even remotely close to any ocean, never mind the Pacific ocean, that I love so much …..
In the Neighborhood
~ Vonda Shepard
Here’s a photo I’ve been looking for It’s a picture of thee boy next door And I loved him more than words could say Never knew it ’til he moved away
Faded pictures in my scrapbook Just thought I’d take one more look And recall when we were all In the neighborhood
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Here’s a photo of the neighborhood Here’s the corner where we stood Here’s a snapshot of dad’s old car
Never got us very far Faded pictures in my scrapbook Just thought I’d take one more look And recall when we were all
In the neighborhood And all those friends Where did they go, I don’t know All those friends we used to know In the neighborhood
( Don’t bring up the past, life is already tough enough ) 往事不要再提 人生已多風雨 wǎng shì bú yào zài tí rén shēng yǐ duō fēng yǔ
( Although memories won’t go away, love and hate are kept in heart ) 縱然記憶抹不去 愛與恨都還在心裏 zòng rán jì yì mò bú qù ài yǔ hèn dōu hái zài xīn lǐ
( Cut ourselves from the past, let’s move on to a better tomorrow ) 真的要斷了過去 讓明天好好繼續 zhēn de yào duàn le guò qù ràng míng tiān hǎo hao jì xù
( Please don’t try to search for me anymore ) 你就不要再苦苦追問我的消息 nǐ jiù bú yào zài kǔ kǔ zhuī wèn wǒ de xiāo xi
*Marking ( Love is a big puzzle, it makes us lose our directions ) 愛情它是個難題 讓人目眩神迷 ài qíng tā shì gè nán tí ràng rén mù xuàn shén mí
( I might forget the pain, but I can’t forget about you ) 忘了痛或許可以 忘了你卻太不容易 wàng le tòng huò xǔ kě yǐ wàng le nǐ què tài bù róng yì
( You have never left me, you are always in my heart ) 你不曾真的離去 你始終在我心裏 nǐ bù céng zhēn de lí qù nǐ shǐ zhōng zài wǒ xīn lǐ
( I’m still in love with you, I can’t do nothing about it ) 我對你仍有愛意 我對自己無能為力 wǒ duì nǐ réng yǒu ài yì wǒ duì zì jǐ wú néng wéi lì
( Because I still have dreams, I still have you in my heart ) 因為我仍有夢 依然將你放在我心中 yīn wèi wǒ réng yǒu mèng yī rán jiāng nǐ fàng zài wǒ xīn zhōng
( I’m always moved by the past, my heart is always broken for you ) 總是容易被往事打動 總是為了你心痛 zǒng shì róng yì bèi wǎng shì dǎ dòng zǒng shì wèi le nǐ xīn tòng
( Don’t mind my inadvertent tenderness over the years ) 別留戀歲月中我無意的柔情萬種 bié liú liàn suì yuè zhōng wǒ wú yì de róu qíng wàn zhǒng
( Don’t ask me whether we will meet again, don’t mind if I’m not telling the truth ) 不要問我是否再相逢 不要管我是否言不由衷 bú yào wèn wǒ shì fǒu zài xiāng féng bú yào guǎn wǒ shì fǒu yán bù yóu zhōng
( Why you just don’t understand, where there is love there is pain ) 為何你不懂 只要有愛就有痛 wèi hé nǐ bù dǒng zhǐ yào yǒu ài jiù yǒu tòng
( Someday you will realize that life won’t be any different without me ) 有一天你會知道 人生沒有我並不會不同 yǒu yì tiān nǐ huì zhī dào rén shēng méi yǒu wǒ bìng bú huì bù tóng
( Life is too short, I’m so afraid to be tearful all the time ) 人生已經太匆匆 我好害怕總是淚眼朦朧 rén shēng yǐ jīng tài cōng cōng wǒ hǎo hài pà zǒng shì lèi yǎn méng lóng
( Forget me then your pain will go away, let the past drift in the wind ) 忘了我就沒有痛 將往事留在風中 wàng le wǒ jiù méi yǒu tòng jiāng wǎng shì liú zài fēng zhōng
