I have a love-fear relationship with my dad. I will always be my Daddy’s little girl. But a part of me is scared of being too close to him. I feel that I have let him down, and I will never be able to live up to his expectations.
I think I’ve always wanted to be a teacher growing up, probably because my mom was a school teacher. She has retired many years ago. I would place my dolls around me and teach them different things. But, for some unknown reason, I felt that I had to be a doctor. I think subconsciously, I felt that this is what would make my dad proud. My family members said that my dad brainwashed me since I was a child, and would buy doctor’s toys for me to play with. I don’t know how true that is though, since I do remember that I would always carry a small first aid kit with me as a child to school, and my classmates would come to me for a Band-Aid, or some pain ointment if they got hurt.
I had such great aspirations growing up. I knew exactly what my future would be like. Even though I enjoyed cooking and sewing, but when I had to choose my classes in Standard 9 (in South Africa), I chose classes that would benefit me to get accepted into medical school. I dropped Home Economics and decided to chose Computer Science instead, even though I really had no interest in that. The classes were boring and I took them without any enjoyment whatsoever, especially compared to how I felt when I used to take Home Economics classes.
I was so confident in myself that I only applied for the medical degree at one medical school in South Africa, not far from where I was living back then, in Pretoria. My mom eventually convinced me to apply for a second choice, so, I reluctantly applied for a dental degree at the same university.
I did not get accepted into the medical school, only the dental school. Even though I had no desire whatsoever to stare down into people’s mouths for the rest of my life, I still accepted it. The main reason being, that I will still be called a ‘Dr.’, and can thus still make my dad proud.
This was a huge turning point in my life. My self-confidence hit an all-time low, and to make matters worse for myself, I ended up dating a medical student (and got myself stuck in a long-term abusive relationship – which may be when I started having PTSD), who would constantly make fun of me for being in dental school. Those were the most miserable years of my life. I usually walked to school since it’s so close to my flat, and whenever I crossed the street, I would secretly hope that a car will just hit me and kill me.
Even my friends urged me to go to the police and file a report, but I said to myself that he is going to become a brilliant doctor, and I do not want to ruin his reputation of having charges being filed against him. I guess my only consolation is that he is now a prominent specialist, and a professor at his medical school… We still email each other very occasionally all these years, just to say hi and check up on each other. Probably because we were basically each other’s first love. We were both so young and so foolish back then…
I think not getting into medical school had triggered an intense ‘Fear of Failure’ feeling within me. It had also subconsciously made me decide to ‘Dream Small’. I can’t fail if I just don’t try, right? This way, I won’t have to face the painful feelings of being disappointed either…
I’ve heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don’t really care for music, do ya?
Well it goes like this: the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah, hmm
Well, your faith was strong, but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew ya
She tied you to the kitchen chair
She broke your throne and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Well baby, I’ve been here before
I’ve seen this room and I’ve walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew ya
And I’ve seen your flag on the marble arch
And love is not a victory march
It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Well, maybe there’s a God above
But all I’ve ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya
And it’s not a cry that you hear at night
It’s not somebody who has seen the Light
It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah