If there was one thing I could change in my past, that would be to ‘Be Myself, Honor Myself, and to Love Myself’.
2021 is the Best Year ever in my life, because this is the year that I am closing not just the old chapter in my book, but the entire book. I am writing a new book in my life, and it starts NOW.
Looking back, if I had just been myself, honored my true feelings, and stood by myself, then I would have been able to handle a lot of difficult events in my life differently. I would have been able to prevent a lot of tragedies in my life, or at least end them quickly, and not suffer long term consequences from them.
From this day onwards, I will check in with myself, WaWa (my childhood nickname, which means ‘baby doll’), at least once a day, to see how I am feeling. I will stand my ground. I will support myself in a loving manner, especially when there is no one else to support me. I will love myself unconditionally!
I’ll Stand By You
The Pretenders
Oh, why you look so sad? Tears are in your eyes Come on and come to me now Don’t be ashamed to cry Let me see you through
‘Cause I’ve seen the dark side too When the night falls on you You don’t know what to do Nothing you confess Could make me love you less
I’ll stand by you I’ll stand by you Won’t let nobody hurt you I’ll stand by you
So if you’re mad, get mad Don’t hold it all inside Come on and talk to me now Hey, what you got to hide? I get angry too
Well I’m a lot like you When you’re standing at the crossroads And don’t know which path to choose Let me come along ‘Cause even if you’re wrongI’ll stand by you I’ll stand by you Won’t let nobody hurt you I’ll stand by you Take me in, into your darkest hour And I’ll never desert you I’ll stand by you
And when When the night falls on you, baby You’re feeling all alone You won’t be on your own
I’ll stand by you I’ll stand by you Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you Take me in, into your darkest hour And I’ll never desert you I’ll stand by you I’ll stand by you Won’t let nobody hurt you I’ll stand by you Won’t let nobody hurt you I’ll stand by you I’ll stand by you Won’t let nobody hurt you I’ll stand by you Take me in, into your darkest hour And I’ll never desert you I’ll stand by you
This song makes me think of my Dad. When he was still a young boy in China, and was on his way to school, he was picked up by Chiang Kai-Shek’s army to fight the communist army. When the Kuomintang lost the war to the communist party, my dad and his older brother (my uncle) managed to get onto one of the last battleships that was retreating to Taiwan.
Ironically, the writer of this song, Pete Seeger, was accused of being a communist back in the 50’s.
My dad’s family suffered greatly because of the communist party. They murdered his mother – my grandmother. One of his brothers denounced the entire family and joined the communist party, in order to survive. My dad developed PTSD.
Mom said that throughout the years, dad would be punching and kicking in his sleep, sometimes, even accidentally hurting my mom. When asked what he was dreaming of, he said he was dreaming that he was fighting the enemies.
Sometimes, dad would suddenly get into a rage for what seems to be for no reason at all. This is why sometimes I wonder if I had developed PTSD even before I met my long term abusive boyfriend. This was also during the era where parents and school teachers believed that ‘Spare the rod, spoil the child’, so getting disciplined back then, was not considered to be abuse. Dad did not hit us often, but what was most frightening about dad was the thought of what he might do to us. The anticipation of fear was greater than the fear itself.
‘We are the World’ came out when we were still living in Taiwan, before dad got transferred to South Africa. My sister went and bought the album and us three kids were playing it over and over again, and singing along. When dad came home, he tried to ask us nicely to lower the volume. My brother innocently said that it wasn’t that loud. Without saying a word, dad went into the kitchen, took a meat cleaver, and chopped the tape in half. This frightened me greatly as I felt like dad could just lose it one day, and without any warning signs, just kill us….
I have a lot of compassion for dad though, and I love him dearly. There was no such thing as counseling back then. He managed to escape to Taiwan with nothing, leaving the army, finishing his university degree, passing the foreign service exam, and eventually becoming a diplomat. I don’t think anyone outside of our home knows of his violent, erratic temper.
I have never picked up the courage to ask dad if he had ever had to kill anyone in order to survive back then? Honestly speaking, I don’t think I’d ever want to know…
I also have PTSD… How can I heal myself?
“Where Have All The Flowers Gone”
Pete Seeger
Where have all the flowers gone, long time passing? Where have all the flowers gone, long time ago? Where have all the flowers gone? Young girls have picked them everyone. Oh, when will they ever learn? Oh, when will they ever learn?
Where have all the young girls gone, long time passing? Where have all the young girls gone, long time ago? Where have all the young girls gone? Gone for husbands everyone. Oh, when will they ever learn? Oh, when will they ever learn?
Where have all the husbands gone, long time passing? Where have all the husbands gone, long time ago? Where have all the husbands gone? Gone for soldiers everyone Oh, when will they ever learn? Oh, when will they ever learn?
Where have all the soldiers gone, long time passing? Where have all the soldiers gone, long time ago? Where have all the soldiers gone? Gone to graveyards, everyone. Oh, when will they ever learn? Oh, when will they ever learn?
Where have all the graveyards gone, long time passing? Where have all the graveyards gone, long time ago? Where have all the graveyards gone? Gone to flowers, everyone. Oh, when will they ever learn? Oh, when will they ever learn?
Where have all the flowers gone, long time passing? Where have all the flowers gone, long time ago? Where have all the flowers gone? Young girls have picked them everyone. Oh, when will they ever learn? Oh, when will they ever learn?
Why does he almost always knows exactly how to drive me up the wall, and to lose my marbles?
If he’s not acting like a pressure cooker about to explode with his underlying deep monstrous rage, then he’s being passive-aggressive with that fake cool, collected, calm, careless attitude towards what I’m concerned with.
Clearing Anger – Tapping with Brad Yates
There was a phase I had to go through where every day when he comes home, he starts yelling and screaming, complaining about his work, his boss, and his subordinates. The only crime I committed each time was asking the phrase ‘Hi honey, how was your day?’.
And he knew he could get away with that each time because he’s yelling to me, NOT at me. Therefore, I can’t exactly yell back at him. Being conditioned by my culture, and especially by my dad as to how a ‘good’ wife is supposed to act; I need to take all that in, and try to comfort him, and that’s when he then feels entitled to yell at me for saying the ‘wrong’ words to try and comfort him. I went through a phase where not long after he starts screaming and yelling, I start getting stomach spasms and then stomachache for the rest of the night.
Narcissists (getting free from past or present pain) – Tapping with Brad Yates
I eventually told mom about it, and mom suggested I tell him that I’m getting stomach spasms and stomachaches each time he starts yelling and screaming about his day. I’m not sure if I did end up telling him that, but thank goodness, that phase eventually stopped!
Then there’s the ‘breaking things’ phase, and most of the time, the ’emotionally-unavailable’ phase, which seems to be the main theme throughout our relationship.
When I get mad, he gives me this ‘I don’t give a S*IT’, or ‘You are just too emotional’, or ‘You are acting crazy’ attitude. It is so disrespectful and so frustrating!
I have a dental degree and used to be a dentist in South Africa and the UK. I have a MBA degree. I am also a California-licensed Acupuncturist and Herbalist. I have also taken additional courses in Astrology, Homeopathy, Flower Essences, Reflexology, Feng-Shui, Chinese Astrology, Stock Trading, Internet Marketing, Website design, and the list just goes on and on and on…
I’m basically a ‘professional’ student and feel most at home when I’m in a learning environment. I tend to struggle in my work environment mainly because I have issues with setting boundaries, so often get taken advantage of.
This, of course, makes me want to learn more, and work less.
I have reached a point in my life where I no longer know what on earth I want to do with my life? I feel unfulfilled. What is my calling? Why am I here? What is my purpose in life?
I feel, and always have felt most attracted to the spiritual and personal development field, and really wish to be able to flourish in those fields. However, because of all those degrees I already have, and am not putting into good use, I feel like if I don’t do something that is more ‘intelligent’, ‘tangible’, and ‘acceptable’, then I’m not putting my potential into good use, that I’ve wasted all my years of life, and all the money, in obtaining those degrees.
My dad was a military officer, who then changed careers and became a diplomat for Taiwan. My mom was a school teacher. I am a dentist and an acupuncturist. Yet, I want to just go into this spiritual development field, that is not accepted by ‘mainstream’. Can I really do that? Will I be disappointing my parents by choosing to do that?
I love being an acupuncturist and herbalist, and I am very good at it. I have natural healing abilities, and my patients love me. But due to relocating to MN, Covid, and my auto-immune issues, I have not pursued that. I’ve also noticed that I tend to pick up on other people’s energies and the energy around me easily. I can sense and feel everything around me. But I’m not very good at letting go, and releasing those external energies, so I end up getting very ill myself. A lot of times, my body and soul just absorbs the negative energies of people around me to help heal them, and I carry the karma of those negative energies myself.
That is why I’m a bit scared to start treating patients again. I feel like with the current circumstances, it’s best of me to do some kind of online work, and distant healing. I also wish to continue learning all the self-development and spiritual practices, but then once again, feel like it’s not putting my intelligence into good use. Is this my ego talking? Who do I think I am? Why do I think that a dentist is better than an astrologer, or that an acupuncturist is better than a tarot reader? At the end of the day, they’re all doing the same thing, and that is, to help heal humanity.
This is my psychological block, career-wise. I want to work towards releasing this block, so that I can do what I truly enjoy in life, and help humanity, and turn my passion into profit.
I Started a Joke
by The Bee Gees
I started a joke which started the whole world crying But I didn’t see that the joke was on me oh no I started to cry which started the whole world laughing Oh If I’d only seen that the joke was on me
I looked at the skies running my hands over my eyes And I fell out of bed hurting my head from things that I said ‘Till I finally died which started the whole world living Oh if I’d only seen that the joke was on me
I looked at the skies running my hands over my eyes And I fell out of bed hurting my head from things that I said ‘Till I finally died which started the whole world living Oh if I’d only seen that the joke was on me Oh no that the joke was on me
I am supposed to work on Category 6 – Love & Relationship, of my Lifebook journey this week, but I feel absolutely blocked and stuck… I don’t even feel like watching the video for this category.
I’ve been married for what seems like forever now. However, it was either turbulent or void of life. I had to deal with his addiction, health, legal, and marital issues for the most part of our marriage. And then around 3 years ago was when I just started drifting more and more apart from this marriage. We, and I, went through a lot of stress, but I did not feel that he was supportive of me at all during those times. Strangely enough, for the past 3 years, I have been unable to remember our wedding anniversary, even though it’s written down on my planner. I think subconsciously, I just didn’t want to remember that fateful day…
Not only was my medical school boyfriend in South Africa abusive towards me, but he was also a ‘High Functioning’ Alcoholic. After him, I swore to myself that I will never be with an alcoholic again. Yet, lo and behold, I ended up marrying one! I am a psychology textbook case! If he isn’t in a wet drunk phase, then he’s in a dry drunk phase. When it comes to being married to an addict who isn’t willing to seek help and better himself, I can’t win. I’m damned if I do, and damned if I don’t!
About a month ago, he came home one night upset, and just acting strange. Then, he went upstairs to the bathroom and I could hear loud noises. Next thing I know, he walks down the stairs and says to me ‘The shower knob broke’. Seriously? The shower knob just broke on its own? And he doesn’t think that it has anything to do with him banging things around when he was in the bathroom? In fact, I can not recall him once admitting that he broke something. It is always that the thing ‘broke on its own’, and he is just so unlucky to always be the last person ‘touching’ it before it broke.
When I pointed out to him that he was being very loud and banging things around in the bathroom, so he could have possibly handled the shower knob roughly, he got even more upset. I was upset too, so I told him to fix it! Man, was that a bad mistake on my part! I basically gave him the green light to take out his frustrations and break more things. He ended up breaking our screwdriver when he was banging it against the shower plate, and he also destroyed the shower plate as well. I suspect that he had been drinking, but I’ve stopped bothering to ask him as in the past, he was even willing to swear on his mother’s life that he did not drink, even though I was 99% sure that he did. He had in the past, stared into my eyes with his bloodshot eyes, and alcoholic breath, and said me, ‘No, I did not drink!’.
Once again, I, had to make excuses for him. I, had to call up our landlord and tell him that my husband just ‘touched’ the shower knob, and it broke. I am so angry at myself for always having to cover his tracks, and always enabling him. I, had to deal with the handyman coming into our townhouse to replace the shower knob in the midst of this pandemic.
This is why I even stopped thinking that I deserved love from him. I told myself, that as long as he’s not drinking, especially not drinking and driving, then I should be grateful, and I should be content with that.
I keep on trying to think positive, but how is this possible with my circumstances? Even though we sleep in separate bedrooms, and have not been intimate for years now, yet, I’m scared to even leave him home alone for one night, because I’m afraid that he’ll go out and drink again. And what really bothers me is his behavior. I mean, if you must drink, then why can’t you just take the alcohol home and drink at home? Why must you drink outside, and then take the risk of getting caught with a DUI, and worse, with injuring or killing someone? I can’t figure out the psychology behind someone choosing to drink and drive. Does he get a thrill for not getting caught? Is that what this is all about?
When we were still in California, he was even bragging to me that he has found this local route from the bar to our home, so that there’s minimal risk of him getting caught. I used to feel so much guilt and shame. Because I feel that I’m enabling a criminal, and someone who doesn’t care for other people’s lives. If he ended up killing someone because he was drinking and driving, then the burden is on me. I am an accomplice to his crime.
I had even pleaded with him, practically begging him, that if he did drink, to please call me so that I can go and pick him up, but to please not drive. And of course, that fell on deaf ears as well.
I feel no love in this marriage, my needs are not taken care of, and yet, I can not leave. Because if I do, then I am not a good person. Even my parents tell me that if I leave him, then he will just drink himself to death. As much as I love my dad, his ignorance and chauvinism just shows when he doesn’t think it’s a big deal, and constantly tells me to let (even to the point of encouraging!) him drink a little bit each day, and to even drink together with him! I keep trying to forgive my dad for the horrible values he has instilled into us as children, and as a woman, for he does not know better. My dad was born in the era where ‘Children and Women are meant to be seen, NOT to be heard’. We weren’t allowed to have a voice as a child, and as a woman as well.
Dad also brainwashed mom to tell me the same thing as well every time we spoke on the phone. It drove me nuts! I wanted to please my parents and make them happy. Yet, deep down inside, I knew that what they were telling me was a load of crap! And the main reason being their ignorance of having no idea what ‘Alcoholism’ truly is. So here I am, fighting this battle entirely on my own, with zero support from anyone whatsoever.
I can just see it, if I finally have the courage to leave him one day, then his ending will just be like the movie ‘Leaving Las Vegas’. He will spend whatever hard-earned money he has left and drink himself to death. Therefore, if I leave him, I am basically committing murder. What do I do? What can I do? I feel so trapped. I feel like the only purpose for my existence on this earth is to stop him from drinking. And I am the best excuse he has for acting cold and mean towards everyone, because he has a horrible, mean wife who won’t let him drink. I am damned if I do, and damned if I don’t!
All this stress and being neglected for the past 13 years has drained the life force out of me. I keep on telling myself that I need to stay positive, but the reality is, I am so miserable. I am so trapped, and I am so stuck with my life circumstances. I don’t know how long I can continue to take this. I don’t know what to do anymore…
As I start to meditate more and work more on my vision of my life, I’m being lifted to a higher level of consciousness and I love remaining in that higher vibrational state. I love journaling, blogging on my website, listening to music, and learning new things every day.
However, the reality is that there are so many things I ‘need’ to do.
I need to:
Finish my Acupuncture CEU’s and renew my CA Acupuncture license in March.
Start my online business, and start learning on how to profit from affiliate marketing online.
Work on ideas of developing my own online membership or digital product.
Take care of all of my husband’s independent contractor’s tax-related documents.
Start organizing all of our tax documents.
Take care of my dad’s ‘stuff’ in South Africa.
Continue with my work-from-home bilingual customer service position.
And of course, the non-ending routine of cleaning, grocery shopping, organizing, and just mundane tasks that we as humans have to do on this earth constantly.
I wish I could just hide on a deserted island in the Pacific ocean where I can just meditate and enjoy what I really love doing every day; instead of what I ‘need’ to do, or what I think I ‘need’ to do. I wish I could find a way of turning my passions into profit without the limitation of time and space. I wish I could just remain in my happy loving dream state for a little longer…
Sigh, guess it’s time for me to go back to Earth, and get some work done now…
Twin Flame is an intense soul connection, sometimes called a “mirror soul,” thought to be a person’s other half. It’s based on the idea that sometimes one soul gets split into two bodies. One of the main characteristics of a twin flame relationship is that it will be both challenging and healing. This is due to the mirroring nature of a twin flame; they show you your deepest insecurities, fears, and shadows. But they also help you overcome them and vice versa—your twin flame will be equally affected by you. (Source: https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/twin-flames-signs-meaning-and-stages).
It feels like a love-hate relationship you have with yourself, that is being reflected upon by your twin flame partner.
After I moved in with him, our relationship started to change. Things got too real for us and we could no longer hide our true selves from each other anymore. Thinking back, the first sign of us having a twin flame connection was that not long after moving in together; feeling deceived and betrayed by how he was treating me differently than before, I said to him, “You’ve changed!”. He snapped back at me and said “No, you’re the one who has changed!”.
I was shocked! I felt like, he’s so damn lazy that he couldn’t even come up with something more original, and just decided to copy what I’ve said? Yet, could this be us mirroring each other?
I felt that he has changed, in his attitude towards me, but perhaps, I have as well??? Who changed first? What happened, I don’t know?
I think after struggling with him for so long, I’m afraid to once again be me… Like a chameleon, I metamorphosed in order to keep peace. I gave up what I truly believe in: communication, intimacy, and the expression of love – to the point where I’ve lost myself…..
I think he reflects the shadow side of me which doesn’t believe that I am deserving of love…
Where Did All the Good Times Go?
by Dennis Yost & the Classics IV
We lived in the country when I was a child You lived up the highway, ’bout half a mile We laughed away the hours, runnin’ to and fro Tell me baby, where did the good times go?
I can still remember summers in the shade Winters by the fireplace, the promises we made You said, you’d always love me, what happened, I don’t know Baby, where did all the good times go?
Where did all the good times go? Where did they go? Tell me, woman, if you know, where did the good times go?
I can still remember summers in the shade Winters by the fireplace, the promises we made You said, you’d always love me, what happened, I don’t know Baby, where did all the good times go?
Where did all the good times go? Where did they go? Tell me, woman, if you know, where did the good times go?
After experiencing so many losses and sufferings in my life, and finally being able to start to forgive myself and acknowledge all the emotions that goes through me – sadness, fear, anger, resentment, and the loss of trust…
I am finally starting to be able to understand that we are all suffering and in pain, and we are all trying our best to do the best we can in this world. I am finally starting to be able to forgive them for all of the pain, sadness, anger, resentment and suffering that they have caused me in my life. I am finally starting to be able to have compassion and empathy for what they are going through in their own lives…
Malachy McCourt once said, “Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” I no longer want to continue to drink poison anymore.
As I am beginning to be able to forgive myself, I am finally beginning to be able to forgive others as well…
Blowin’ in the Wind…
Bob Dylan
How many roads must a man walk down Before you call him a man? How many seas must a white dove sail Before she sleeps in the sand? Yes, and how many times must the cannonballs fly Before they’re forever banned?
The answer, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind The answer is blowin’ in the wind
Yes, and how many years must a mountain exist Before it is washed to the sea? And how many years can some people exist Before they’re allowed to be free? Yes, and how many times can a man turn his head And pretend that he just doesn’t see?
The answer, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind The answer is blowin’ in the wind
Yes, and how many times must a man look up Before he can see the sky? And how many ears must one man have Before he can hear people cry? Yes, and how many deaths will it take ’til he knows That too many people have died?
The answer, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind The answer is blowin’ in the wind
