There’s no place like Home

I miss Home. I miss my Family…

dui zhe ge shi jie ru guo ni you tai duo de bao yuan
ๅฐ้€™ๅ€‹ไธ–็•Œๅฆ‚ๆžœไฝ ๆœ‰ๅคชๅคš็š„ๆŠฑๆ€จ
If you have too many complaints in this world

die dao le jiu bu gan ji xu wang qian zou
่ทŒๅ€’ไบ†ๅฐฑไธๆ•ข็นผ็บŒๅพ€ๅ‰่ตฐ
Once you fall down, you wonโ€™t have the courage to move forward

wei shen me ren yao zhe me de cui ruo duo luo
็‚บไป€้บผไบบ่ฆ้€™้บผ็š„่„†ๅผฑๅขฎ่ฝ
Why are humans so fragile
?

qing ni da kai dian shi kan kan
่ซ‹ไฝ ๆ‰“้–‹้›ป่ฆ–็œ‹็œ‹
Please turn on the TV and watch

duo shao ren wei sheng ming zai nu li yong gan de zou xia qu
ๅคšๅฐ‘ไบบ็‚บ็”Ÿๅ‘ฝๅœจๅŠชๅŠ›ๅ‹‡ๆ•ข็š„่ตฐไธ‹ๅŽป
How many people try hard and brave to move forward in order to continue living

wo men shi bu shi gai zhi zu
ๆˆ‘ๅ€‘ๆ˜ฏไธๆ˜ฏ่ฉฒ็Ÿฅ่ถณ
Shouldnโ€™t we feel that we already have enough
?

zhen xi yi qie jiu suan mei you yong you
็ๆƒœไธ€ๅˆ‡ๅฐฑ็ฎ—ๆฒ’ๆœ‰ๆ“ๆœ‰
Treasure what you have now, even if you have nothing, you actually own everything

hai ji de ni shuo jia shi wei yi de cheng bao
้‚„่จ˜ๅพ—ไฝ ่ชชๅฎถๆ˜ฏๅ”ฏไธ€็š„ๅŸŽๅ ก
Remember back then you said that Home is the only castle

sui zhe dao xiang he liu ji xu ben pao
้šจ่‘—็จป้ฆ™ๆฒณๆต็นผ็บŒๅฅ”่ท‘
Run with the Fragrance of rice, as the river continue flowing

wei wei xiao xiao shi hou de meng wo zhi dao
ๅพฎๅพฎ็ฌ‘ๅฐๆ™‚ๅ€™็š„ๅคขๆˆ‘็Ÿฅ้“
Slightly smile, dreams of childhood, I know

bu yao ku rang ying huo chong dai zhe ni tao pao
ไธ่ฆๅ“ญ่ฎ“่žข็ซ่™ซๅธถ่‘—ไฝ ้€ƒ่ท‘
Donโ€™t cry, let the fireflies bring you running

xiang jian de ge yao yong yuan de yi kao
้„‰้–“็š„ๆญŒ่ฌ ๆฐธ้ ็š„ไพ้ 
Forever rely on village folk song
s

hui jia ba hui dao zui chu de mei hao
ๅ›žๅฎถๅงๅ›žๅˆฐๆœ€ๅˆ็š„็พŽๅฅฝ
Let’s go home, back to the beginning of beauty

bu yao zhe me rong yi jiu xiang fang qi
ไธ่ฆ้€™ไนˆๅฎนๆ˜“ๅฐฑๆƒณๆ”พๆฃ„
Donโ€™t give up so fast

jiu xiang wo shuo de
ๅฐฑๅƒๆˆ‘่ชช็š„
Like what I said

zhui bu dao de meng xiang huan ge meng bu jiu de le
่ฟฝไธๅˆฐ็š„ๅคขๆƒณๆ›ๅ€‹ๅคขไธๅฐฑๅพ—ไบ†
The dream you canโ€™t achieve, just exchange it, you got it

wei zi ji de ren sheng xian yan shang se
็‚บ่‡ชๅทฑ็š„ไบบ็”Ÿ้ฎฎ่‰ทไธŠ่‰ฒ
Let your life be coloured brightly

xian ba ai tu shang xi huan de yan se
ๅ…ˆๆŠŠๆ„›ๆถ‚ไธŠๅ–œๆญก็š„้ก่‰ฒ
First, paint the love with your favourite colour

xiao yi ge ba gong cheng ming jiu bu shi mu di
็ฌ‘ไธ€ๅ€‹ๅงๅŠŸๆˆๅๅฐฑไธๆ˜ฏ็›ฎ็š„
Smile, becoming famous is not the purpose in life

rang zi ji kuai le kuai le zhe cai jiao zuo yi yi
่ฎ“่‡ชๅทฑๅฟซๆจ‚ๅฟซๆจ‚้€™ๆ‰ๅซๅšๆ„็พฉ
Let yourself be happy, is more meaningful

tong nian de zhi fei ji
็ซฅๅนด็š„็ด™้ฃ›ๆœบ
The childhood paper plane

xian zai zhong yu fei hui wo shou li
็พๅœจ็ต‚ไบŽ้ฃ›ๅ›žๆˆ‘ๆ‰‹้‡Œ
Has now finally flown back into my hand

suo wei de na kuai le
ๆ‰€่ฌ‚็š„้‚ฃๅฟซๆจ‚
The so called happiness

chi jiao zai tian li zhui qing ting zhui dao lei le
่ตค่…ณๅœจ็”ฐ้‡Œ่ฟฝ่œป่œ“่ฟฝๅˆฐ็ดฏไบ†
Running barefoot on the rice field, catching dragonflies until your tired

tou zhai shui guo bei mi feng gei ding dao pa le
ๅทๆ‘˜ๆฐดๆžœ่ขซ่œœ่œ‚็ตฆๅฎๅˆฐๆ€•ไบ†
Plucking fruit, scared of being stung by bee
s

shei zai tou xiao ne
่ชฐๅœจๅท็ฌ‘ๅ‘ข
Who
‘s laughing coyly?

wo kao zhe dao cao ren chui zhe feng chang zhe ge shui zhe le
ๆˆ‘้ ่‘—็จป่‰ไบบๅน่‘—้ขจๅ”ฑ่‘—ๆญŒ็ก่‘—ไบ†
I lean against the scarecrow/straw man, blown by the wind, singing and then falling sleep

Oh! Oh! wu hou ji ta zai chong ming zhong geng qing cui
ๅ“ฆ ๅ“ฆ ๅˆๅŽๅ‰ๅฎƒๅœจ่™ซ้ณดไธญๆ›ดๆธ…่„†
Oh! Oh! The afternoon guitar sounds accompanied by the insect singings make it more melodious

Oh! Oh! yang guang sa zai lu shang jiu bu pa xin sui
ๅ“ฆ ๅ“ฆ ้™ฝๅ…‰ๆด’ๅœจ่ทฏไธŠๅฐฑไธๆ€•ๅฟƒ็ขŽ
Oh! Oh! With the sunlight shining on the road, you don’t have to fear of your heart being broken

zhen xi yi qie jiu suan mei you yong you
็ๆƒœไธ€ๅˆ‡ๅฐฑ็ฎ—ๆฒ’ๆœ‰ๆ“ๆœ‰
Treasure what you have now, even you have nothing. you actually own everything

hai ji de ni shuo jia shi wei yi de cheng bao
้‚„่จ˜ๅพ—ไฝ ่ชชๅฎถๆ˜ฏๅ”ฏไธ€็š„ๅŸŽๅ ก
Remember back then you said that Home is your only castle

sui zhe dao xiang he liu ji xu ben pao
้šจ่‘—็จป้ฆ™ๆฒณๆต็นผ็บŒๅฅ”่ท‘
Run with the Fragrance of rice, as the river continue flowing

wei wei xiao xiao shi hou de meng wo zhi dao
ๅพฎๅพฎ็ฌ‘ๅฐๆ™‚ๅ€™็š„ๅคขๆˆ‘็Ÿฅ้“
Slightly smile, dreams of childhood, I know

bu yao ku rang ying huo chong dai zhe ni tao pao
ไธ่ฆๅ“ญ่ฎ“่žข็ซ่™ซๅธถ่‘—ไฝ ้€ƒ่ท‘
Donโ€™t cry, let the fireflies bring you running

xiang jian de ge yao yong yuan de yi kao
้„‰้–“็š„ๆญŒ่ฌ ๆฐธ้ ็š„ไพ้ 
Forever rely on village folk songs

hui jia ba hui dao zui chu de mei hao
ๅ›žๅฎถๅงๅ›žๅˆฐๆœ€ๅˆ็š„็พŽๅฅฝ
Let’s go home, back to the beginning of beauty

Love-Fear Relationship

I have a love-fear relationship with my dad. I will always be my Daddy’s little girl. But a part of me is scared of being too close to him. I feel that I have let him down, and I will never be able to live up to his expectations.

I think I’ve always wanted to be a teacher growing up, probably because my mom was a school teacher. She has retired many years ago. I would place my dolls around me and teach them different things. But, for some unknown reason, I felt that I had to be a doctor. I think subconsciously, I felt that this is what would make my dad proud. My family members said that my dad brainwashed me since I was a child, and would buy doctor’s toys for me to play with. I don’t know how true that is though, since I do remember that I would always carry a small first aid kit with me as a child to school, and my classmates would come to me for a Band-Aid, or some pain ointment if they got hurt.

I had such great aspirations growing up. I knew exactly what my future would be like. Even though I enjoyed cooking and sewing, but when I had to choose my classes in Standard 9 (in South Africa), I chose classes that would benefit me to get accepted into medical school. I dropped Home Economics and decided to chose Computer Science instead, even though I really had no interest in that. The classes were boring and I took them without any enjoyment whatsoever, especially compared to how I felt when I used to take Home Economics classes.

I was so confident in myself that I only applied for the medical degree at one medical school in South Africa, not far from where I was living back then, in Pretoria. My mom eventually convinced me to apply for a second choice, so, I reluctantly applied for a dental degree at the same university.

I did not get accepted into the medical school, only the dental school. Even though I had no desire whatsoever to stare down into people’s mouths for the rest of my life, I still accepted it. The main reason being, that I will still be called a ‘Dr.’, and can thus still make my dad proud.

This was a huge turning point in my life. My self-confidence hit an all-time low, and to make matters worse for myself, I ended up dating a medical student (and got myself stuck in a long-term abusive relationship – which may be when I started having PTSD), who would constantly make fun of me for being in dental school. Those were the most miserable years of my life. I usually walked to school since it’s so close to my flat, and whenever I crossed the street, I would secretly hope that a car will just hit me and kill me.

Even my friends urged me to go to the police and file a report, but I said to myself that he is going to become a brilliant doctor, and I do not want to ruin his reputation of having charges being filed against him. I guess my only consolation is that he is now a prominent specialist, and a professor at his medical school… We still email each other very occasionally all these years, just to say hi and check up on each other. Probably because we were basically each other’s first love. We were both so young and so foolish back then…

I think not getting into medical school had triggered an intense ‘Fear of Failure’ feeling within me. It had also subconsciously made me decide to ‘Dream Small’. I can’t fail if I just don’t try, right? This way, I won’t have to face the painful feelings of being disappointed either…

I’ve heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don’t really care for music, do ya?
Well it goes like this: the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah, hmm

Well, your faith was strong, but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew ya
She tied you to the kitchen chair
She broke your throne and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Well baby, I’ve been here before
I’ve seen this room and I’ve walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew ya
And I’ve seen your flag on the marble arch
And love is not a victory march
It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Well, maybe there’s a God above
But all I’ve ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya
And it’s not a cry that you hear at night
It’s not somebody who has seen the Light
It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah