Month: December 2020

I miss Home. I miss my Family…

dui zhe ge shi jie ru guo ni you tai duo de bao yuan
對這個世界如果你有太多的抱怨
If you have too many complaints in this world

die dao le jiu bu gan ji xu wang qian zou
跌倒了就不敢繼續往前走
Once you fall down, you won’t have the courage to move forward

wei shen me ren yao zhe me de cui ruo duo luo
為什麼人要這麼的脆弱墮落
Why are humans so fragile?

qing ni da kai dian shi kan kan
請你打開電視看看
Please turn on the TV and watch

duo shao ren wei sheng ming zai nu li yong gan de zou xia qu
多少人為生命在努力勇敢的走下去
How many people try hard and brave to move forward in order to continue living

wo men shi bu shi gai zhi zu
我們是不是該知足
Shouldn’t we feel that we already have enough?

zhen xi yi qie jiu suan mei you yong you
珍惜一切就算沒有擁有
Treasure what you have now, even if you have nothing, you actually own everything

hai ji de ni shuo jia shi wei yi de cheng bao
還記得你說家是唯一的城堡
Remember back then you said that Home is the only castle

sui zhe dao xiang he liu ji xu ben pao
隨著稻香河流繼續奔跑
Run with the Fragrance of rice, as the river continue flowing

wei wei xiao xiao shi hou de meng wo zhi dao
微微笑小時候的夢我知道
Slightly smile, dreams of childhood, I know

bu yao ku rang ying huo chong dai zhe ni tao pao
不要哭讓螢火虫帶著你逃跑
Don’t cry, let the fireflies bring you running

xiang jian de ge yao yong yuan de yi kao
鄉間的歌謠永遠的依靠
Forever rely on village folk songs

hui jia ba hui dao zui chu de mei hao
回家吧回到最初的美好
Let’s go home, back to the beginning of beauty

bu yao zhe me rong yi jiu xiang fang qi
不要這么容易就想放棄
Don’t give up so fast

jiu xiang wo shuo de
就像我說的
Like what I said

zhui bu dao de meng xiang huan ge meng bu jiu de le
追不到的夢想換個夢不就得了
The dream you can’t achieve, just exchange it, you got it

wei zi ji de ren sheng xian yan shang se
為自己的人生鮮艷上色
Let your life be coloured brightly

xian ba ai tu shang xi huan de yan se
先把愛涂上喜歡的顏色
First, paint the love with your favourite colour

xiao yi ge ba gong cheng ming jiu bu shi mu di
笑一個吧功成名就不是目的
Smile, becoming famous is not the purpose in life

rang zi ji kuai le kuai le zhe cai jiao zuo yi yi
讓自己快樂快樂這才叫做意義
Let yourself be happy, is more meaningful

tong nian de zhi fei ji
童年的紙飛机
The childhood paper plane

xian zai zhong yu fei hui wo shou li
現在終于飛回我手里
Has now finally flown back into my hand

suo wei de na kuai le
所謂的那快樂
The so called happiness

chi jiao zai tian li zhui qing ting zhui dao lei le
赤腳在田里追蜻蜓追到累了
Running barefoot on the rice field, catching dragonflies until your tired

tou zhai shui guo bei mi feng gei ding dao pa le
偷摘水果被蜜蜂給叮到怕了
Plucking fruit, scared of being stung by bees

shei zai tou xiao ne
誰在偷笑呢
Who‘s laughing coyly?

wo kao zhe dao cao ren chui zhe feng chang zhe ge shui zhe le
我靠著稻草人吹著風唱著歌睡著了
I lean against the scarecrow/straw man, blown by the wind, singing and then falling sleep

Oh! Oh! wu hou ji ta zai chong ming zhong geng qing cui
哦 哦 午后吉它在虫鳴中更清脆
Oh! Oh! The afternoon guitar sounds accompanied by the insect singings make it more melodious

Oh! Oh! yang guang sa zai lu shang jiu bu pa xin sui
哦 哦 陽光洒在路上就不怕心碎
Oh! Oh! With the sunlight shining on the road, you don’t have to fear of your heart being broken

zhen xi yi qie jiu suan mei you yong you
珍惜一切就算沒有擁有
Treasure what you have now, even you have nothing. you actually own everything

hai ji de ni shuo jia shi wei yi de cheng bao
還記得你說家是唯一的城堡
Remember back then you said that Home is your only castle

sui zhe dao xiang he liu ji xu ben pao
隨著稻香河流繼續奔跑
Run with the Fragrance of rice, as the river continue flowing

wei wei xiao xiao shi hou de meng wo zhi dao
微微笑小時候的夢我知道
Slightly smile, dreams of childhood, I know

bu yao ku rang ying huo chong dai zhe ni tao pao
不要哭讓螢火虫帶著你逃跑
Don’t cry, let the fireflies bring you running

xiang jian de ge yao yong yuan de yi kao
鄉間的歌謠永遠的依靠
Forever rely on village folk songs

hui jia ba hui dao zui chu de mei hao
回家吧回到最初的美好
Let’s go home, back to the beginning of beauty

I have a love-fear relationship with my dad. I will always be my Daddy’s little girl. But a part of me is scared of being too close to him. I feel that I have let him down, and I will never be able to live up to his expectations.

I think I’ve always wanted to be a teacher growing up, probably because my mom was a school teacher. She has retired many years ago. I would place my dolls around me and teach them different things. But, for some unknown reason, I felt that I had to be a doctor. I think subconsciously, I felt that this is what would make my dad proud. My family members said that my dad brainwashed me since I was a child, and would buy doctor’s toys for me to play with. I don’t know how true that is though, since I do remember that I would always carry a small first aid kit with me as a child to school, and my classmates would come to me for a Band-Aid, or some pain ointment if they got hurt.

I had such great aspirations growing up. I knew exactly what my future would be like. Even though I enjoyed cooking and sewing, but when I had to choose my classes in Standard 9 (in South Africa), I chose classes that would benefit me to get accepted into medical school. I dropped Home Economics and decided to chose Computer Science instead, even though I really had no interest in that. The classes were boring and I took them without any enjoyment whatsoever, especially compared to how I felt when I used to take Home Economics classes.

I was so confident in myself that I only applied for the medical degree at one medical school in South Africa, not far from where I was living back then, in Pretoria. My mom eventually convinced me to apply for a second choice, so, I reluctantly applied for a dental degree at the same university.

I did not get accepted into the medical school, only the dental school. Even though I had no desire whatsoever to stare down into people’s mouths for the rest of my life, I still accepted it. The main reason being, that I will still be called a ‘Dr.’, and can thus still make my dad proud.

This was a huge turning point in my life. My self-confidence hit an all-time low, and to make matters worse for myself, I ended up dating a medical student (and got myself stuck in a long-term abusive relationship – which may be when I started having PTSD), who would constantly make fun of me for being in dental school. Those were the most miserable years of my life. I usually walked to school since it’s so close to my flat, and whenever I crossed the street, I would secretly hope that a car will just hit me and kill me.

Even my friends urged me to go to the police and file a report, but I said to myself that he is going to become a brilliant doctor, and I do not want to ruin his reputation of having charges being filed against him. I guess my only consolation is that he is now a prominent specialist, and a professor at his medical school… We still email each other very occasionally all these years, just to say hi and check up on each other. Probably because we were basically each other’s first love. We were both so young and so foolish back then…

I think not getting into medical school had triggered an intense ‘Fear of Failure’ feeling within me. It had also subconsciously made me decide to ‘Dream Small’. I can’t fail if I just don’t try, right? This way, I won’t have to face the painful feelings of being disappointed either…

I’ve heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don’t really care for music, do ya?
Well it goes like this: the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah, hmm

Well, your faith was strong, but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew ya
She tied you to the kitchen chair
She broke your throne and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Well baby, I’ve been here before
I’ve seen this room and I’ve walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew ya
And I’ve seen your flag on the marble arch
And love is not a victory march
It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Well, maybe there’s a God above
But all I’ve ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya
And it’s not a cry that you hear at night
It’s not somebody who has seen the Light
It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

One of my favorite romance movie is ‘Bird on a Wire‘ with Mel Gibson and Goldie Hawn. Their on-screen chemistry is amazing. I even wonder if they’ve actually dated in real life.

In this movie, Mel Gibson got involved in some kind of shady business and had to join the Witness Protection Program, leave his past completely behind, and start a new life all over again. Many years later, he by chance, reconnected with the love of his life, and they both had to fight against the people who have been trying to silence Mel Gibson for all these years. They eventually succeeded and were able to enjoy the rest of their lives together.

This theme makes me reflect upon my own life…. On the one hand, I would like to start my life all over again, with a clean slate. On the other hand, I feel like at some point in my life, I had already joined the Witness Protection Program, and have been living my life in isolation; not allowing anyone to truly get close to me, or to know the real me.

I’ve also been running all this time, from fear of the unknown. I’m not even sure what I’m running away from in my life???

Like a bird on the wire
Like a drunk in a midnight choir
I have tried in my way to be free

Like a worm on a hook
Like a knight from some old-fashioned book
I have saved all my ribbons for thee
If I, if I have been unkind
I hope that you can just let it go by
If I, if I have been untrue
I hope you know it was never to you

For like a baby, stillborn
Like a beast with his horn
I have torn everyone who reached out for me
But I swear by this song
And by all that I have done wrong
I will make it all up to thee

I found out a couple of weeks ago that a case of mine ended up in the ICU and died. I saw in his notes that other case workers had been calling his cellphone for several days in a row, but never received a response.

On that fateful day, I decided to try his home phone number instead. His widow picked up the phone and said that he died the night before in the ICU. I was in complete shock and disarray when I heard that. I had to then call the hospital, speak with the attending doctor and take down all the details regarding his death. When was he transferred to the ICU unit? Was he placed on a ventilator? Was he placed on ECMO? What symptoms was he experiencing? What was his time of death? It was like I was going through the entire final painful life journey with him. I could feel his regrets, his helplessness, his hopelessness, his final sense of resignation when he realized that he has lost the battle of life. What must have been going through his soul during those final moments of realization?

I felt depressed for a long time. It also triggered a fear within me, especially due to me having auto-immune issues. Will I also end up in the ICU and die there? I don’t feel that I have been living my life to its fullest. If I die soon, then I will have many regrets for not doing the things that I’ve wanted to do, or saying the words that I’ve wanted to speak.

After this incident, I asked my supervisor to please not give me cases that are at a high risk of dying, i.e. the elderly, people with predisposing medical conditions, pregnant women, etc. My supervisor had been understanding and I could see that she (and even other supervisors as well. I’m assuming she has notified them of this situation) has been giving me seemingly ‘normal’ Covid cases – the ones that are not at a high risk of getting hospitalized or dying.

Yesterday morning, I had this same supervisor for the shift. She gave me a case to investigate who’s 30 years old. I mean, that seems very low risk right? I called and left a voicemail and also texted him to please call me back asap. I called again 2 hours later and once again, left a voicemail and texted him to please call me back asap. I don’t know why, but after a few minutes, I felt called to look more carefully at his notes and saw that he has been hospitalized since a few days ago.

I messaged my supervisor on our group Teams regarding this, and she said that she will move him from the ‘Investigation’ stage to the ‘Monitoring’ stage, so that I can continue to monitor his progress. Immediately afterwards, I messaged my supervisor privately and asked her to please reassign this case to another case worker instead.

In the past, she would agree to do that right away, but this time, it took a while before she asked me “Why?”. I messaged her back to remind her that hospitalization may lead to death, and that I’m still deeply affected by the death of the other case previously. It took her 5 minutes before replying to say that she will do that, but she also suggested that I go and get counseling for this. During those 5 minutes of waiting for her to reply, I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. The thought that I may have to follow this case from the beginning to the end frightened me. What if his end is not recovery, but once again ‘death’? I didn’t feel that I would be able to cope with that this time round, and I may just fall into a deep state of depression.

I told my supervisor that I will think about it. I also told her that normal jobs do not require having to deal with people dying and that I was not expecting this. I honestly was not expecting having to deal with people dying when I signed up for this. I don’t know if I just wasn’t thinking clearly back then, but somehow, I felt like I have been deceived as to what my job duties were.

I gave a lot more thought to this and I don’t feel like therapy will be beneficial to me in this situation. I am a very sensitive and empathic person. It brings me a lot of pain and suffering, but this is who I am to the core. As painful as it may be, if I have to make a choice between dying of a heartbreak, or dying with a cold-heart, I will choose dying of a heartbreak.

I understand that my supervisor has good intentions behind her suggestion. However, by suggesting to me that I should get therapy for being ‘too’ sensitive, she is basically telling me that there is something wrong with me. Why can’t I be accepted for who I am? Why can’t I be this sensitive, emotional person that naturally tries to heal the pain of others, and myself? I have proven time and time again that I produce excellent work, so why can’t they work on my strengths and accept my weaknesses? There are many other case workers out there, so why can’t they give these high risk cases to another case worker that will not be affected emotionally as much as I will? Why does this have to be such a big deal???

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There’s always some reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh a beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
Let me be empty
Oh and weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight

In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel

May you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There’s vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don’t make no difference
Escaping one last time

It’s easier to believe
In this sweet madness

Oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees

In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie

You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

Stand in my own power – honor what is really important to me. Know who I am, what I am capable of, and why I make the decisions I make. Nothing can rock my boat, or shake my foundation of who I really am. Do not invalidate my own feelings and my own thoughts just to please others. Do not allow anyone else to rule my life. Do not silence the real me. In order to stand in my power, I need to allow myself the option of saying “No”. Stop worrying about what others think of me. When I don’t take care of myself because I am trying to make others happy, I start to resent the very people I am trying to please.

Whenever the situation arises where I have to make a decision about what to do, ask myself this question: “Am I standing in my power or am I trying to please someone else?“. Be clear about my priorities. What’s more important than my own balance, harmony, and health?

Pleasing someone else is not the same as caring for them. It’s the old story: If I’m not caring for myself, then I’ll have nothing left, no inner resources to care for another. It is vital that I learn to stand in my own power for my own mental, physical, emotional, and even my spiritual health!

Do I have trouble connecting with my intuition? When I’ve learned to stand in my own power, my own I AM, I will be able to connect on a much deeper level to my spiritual core and to the invisible realms. 

Source: https://deborahking.com/standing-in-your-power/

I Won’t Back Down – Song by Tom Petty

Well, I won’t back down
No, I won’t back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won’t back down

No, I’ll stand my ground
Won’t be turned around
And I’ll keep this world from draggin’ me down
Gonna stand my ground

And I won’t back down
(I won’t back down)

Hey, baby, there ain’t no easy way out
(I won’t back down)
Hey, I will stand my ground
And I won’t back down

Well I know what’s right
I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin’ me around
But I’ll stand my ground

And I won’t back down
(I won’t back down)
Hey, baby, there ain’t no easy way out
(I won’t back down)
Hey, I will stand my ground
And I won’t back down

Hey baby, there ain’t no easy way out
(I won’t back down)
Hey, I won’t back down
(I won’t back down)
Hey, baby, there ain’t no easy way out
(I won’t back down)
Hey, I will stand my ground
And I won’t back down
No, I won’t back down

I was diagnosed with untreated PTSD in the beginning of last year. This explains why I am hyper-vigilant, and why sometimes I dissociate. When I think back, I believe I’ve suffered from this for at least the past 27 years. Perhaps, even longer. It has become my way of life; my coping mechanism.

After learning of this diagnosis, I started to think that perhaps dissociating is not such a bad thing. It’s how I can survive in this noisy world, without having to feel everything and everyone around me. Yet, I am filled with anxiety and depression. It’s sort of a life-time low-grade depression, which seems to be just at the surface, but is actually deep within. I can’t seem to shake it off. I also seem to have a lot of psychosomatic disorders and chronic pain issues everywhere. Its intensity and location changes depending on my exercise level, how well I slept the night before and if there’s new stressors happening in my life.

Deep down inside, I know that I already have everything I need in order to heal myself; I just need to look within.

With dissociation, I basically leave my body and look at my body as an outsider. I also cut my feelings off from experiencing all of the pain and fear. This way, I don’t have to feel all of the painful emotions or physical distress that my body is experiencing. However, by me doing that, I also stop feeling…. I no longer know what I like or dislike, or what I actually want in life. And it just dawned upon me that perhaps I’m not living my life to its fullest because I’ve been living my life in a constant state of dissociation, just so I won’t have to feel all of the pain and anguish that comes into my life. Dissociation is a double-edged sword, and in my case, it may be for the worse…

When we were living in California, I used to walk for an hour on the beach every day. The coldest it could get was in the low 60’s, and just putting on two jackets made me feel warm enough. After we moved to Minnesota 6 years ago, I’ve been having seasonal affective depression almost every winter. I took anti-depressants for some years, but this year, I decided to try using a light box, and to exercise more. Exercise more, meaning, using my mini-stepper at home as I’ve stopped going to the gym since the beginning of this year due to Covid. I feel isolated and alone. I don’t know anyone here and my life is being controlled by the weather in winter. Due to past bad experiences, when it snows, I’m afraid to leave the house. I tend to get more depressed when there’s a snow storm, especially one after the other, because I feel trapped, like a bird in a cage. Besides the snow storms, I know that most of the time, I feel trapped because of the prison bars I’ve set for myself. I’ve trapped myself due to the things I tell myself of what I should do, or should not do. No one has put me in this emotional prison, besides myself. And I alone, am the only one who can free myself from this emotional prison.

There have been times, especially when there’s a blizzard, where I have this sudden strong urge to just pack my suitcase, and take the next flight out of Minnesota. If I were to win the jackpot, I would go back to California, rent a beach house, and start my life all over again. But the chances of winning the jackpot are slimmer than getting struck by lightning, so how can I realistically find my way out? Not just in this physical tundra prison, but most importantly, my emotional prison?

我是一隻小小鳥

作詞：李宗盛 / 作曲：李宗盛

有時後我覺得自己像一隻小小鳥
想要飛 卻怎麼樣也飛不高
也許有一天我棲上了枝頭 卻成為獵人的目標
我飛上了青天才發現自己從此無依無靠

每次到了夜深人靜的時候 我總是睡不著
我懷疑是不是只有我的明天沒有變得更好
未來會怎樣究竟有誰會知道
幸福是否只是一種傳說 我永遠都找不到

我是一隻小小小小鳥
想要飛呀飛 卻飛也飛不高
我尋尋覓覓尋尋覓覓一個溫暖的懷抱
這樣的要求算不算太高

所有知道我的名字的人啊 你們好不好
世界是如此的小 我們注定無處可逃
當我嘗盡人情冷暖 當你決定為你了的理想燃燒
生活的壓力與生命的尊嚴哪一個重要