🌺 Journal

I have been writing down a lot of tasks on my to-do list every day and then moving them to the next day, because I didn’t get them done. I’ve been beating myself up over it daily and wondering what on earth is wrong with me? I’ve also been feeling the pressure of the deadlines approaching soon, and been feeling stressed out about those issues even more.

After starting to watch the 2021 Tapping World Summit, and committing myself to tapping every day during the summit, I decided to start tapping on my procrastination since 2 days ago. I’m not even sure if it’s just psychological, but man, I’m on a roll here now! 😀

I’ve been putting off of taking care of my dad’s stuff in South Africa and last night I finally made a decision that I will take care of it today! I woke up early today (due to the time difference) and finally made that call. There’s still other issues that I need to take care of regarding that, and I am committed to taking care of those right away as well.

I’ve been thinking that I may have been procrastinating because I just feel like I constantly have to put out fires across 3 continents (here, Taiwan, and South Africa). I feel so emotionally drained doing so all the time, and for such a long time now. Sometimes, I just wished that my family members would help out more, and I think that’s why I’m holding off on taking care of those issues. But at the back of my mind, I know that if I don’t take care them, then no one else will, so I’m just cutting off my nose to spite my face by not taking care of them. There is definitely resentment and non-acceptance at play here, sigh….. Once I come to that realization and acceptance, then I’m finally able to start taking action again. But some days, that non-acceptance creeps back up again, and then I’ve got this internal struggle that I have to deal with again…

When I was wearing myself out last year with two additional jobs (as a Covid-19 contact tracer for two different states) and becoming totally exhausted with pain all over, I told him that I am so far behind on my own work (CA acupuncture license, and learning online marketing) and his work (all work related to his independent contractor’s job). I was secretly hoping that he would volunteer to do those independent contractor-related tracking work himself. Instead, he said only one word to me, ‘Quit!’. You don’t need to be a rocket scientist in order to do this, but, man, it is so time consuming, and monotonous! I feel like I’ve wasted all my years of education by spending most of my time doing such mundane, boring, non-brain-required work constantly! I think the lack of intellectual stimulation is what’s driving me nuts here! All these necessary things that I’m doing constantly, does not require even half a brain!

I’m not sure if I should feel happy that he trusts that I do a good job regarding our finances and would rather I focus my energy on his job-related stuff, or if I should feel unhappy that he doesn’t really care about my own personal sense of self-fulfillment? Or maybe I should feel grateful that he just doesn’t care if I earn an income or not? So I feel conflicted, with a sense of resentment on one end, and a sense of gratitude on the other…

I couldn’t stand the company’s culture for one of the state’s contact tracing job and it was making me miserable. When I told him about that, he said to me “You know that you don’t have to work. But, if you choose to, then suck it up and don’t complain. I don’t want to hear about it”. So, once again, I don’t know if I should be happy that he’s once again reminding me that I don’t have to work, or if I should be unhappy that he thinks that my job is so unimportant, that he doesn’t want to waste his time hearing about it.

Every coin has two sides, and I know that I should focus on the positive, and be grateful that he doesn’t give me pressure to earn an income, and that he works so hard himself. But, sometimes, I just wish that he would care a little bit more about what I do, and how I feel…

I have to admit though, that what I am supposedly ‘suffering’ from, is a ‘First World’ problem. I think I need to practice more gratitude…

To be fair to him, I was accepted to become a course instructor for an online company that provides Acupuncture continuing educational (CEU) courses a while back. I would have to turn over all of my intellectual property rights for all of the courses that I create, and if I stopped working for the company, then I wouldn’t be allowed to work in a similar field for at least a year. I asked him to help me look over the contract. I guess he felt that I could do better, so he said to me “I’ll make you a deal, if you don’t accept this job, then I’ll help you with your YouTube channel”, as I have also been thinking of creating my own YouTube channel. I have to admit, I was pretty touched by what he said.

I guess he sees a lot of potential in me, so oftentimes, he would rather I not work, than accept a position in which he feels that I could do better, to be protective towards me, I guess???

I have become more productive since yesterday, and today, I’m just checking off my to-do list left and right! I’m so happy that I’ve finally been able to overcome my procrastination on taking care of really important things in a timely manner. I’m going to continue to do so and make this a habit. Procrastination no more! Productivity, here I come! 😀

I dreamt of my sister last night. I don’t recall ever having her in my dreams. It was just an ordinary dream. We were in Taiwan, doing some shopping. But somehow, that dream woke me up. As soon as I woke up, I started missing her so much, and I felt this physical deep ache in my heart. It wasn’t pain in my chest, it was pain in my actual heart…

My sister and I have been soulmates and best friends since childhood. We grew especially close when we were both in high school, in South Africa. We each had our own bedrooms with the exact same setup – desk, chair and bed. We were so close that we decided to move both of our desks into one room, and our beds in another. This way, we can study together during the day, and fall asleep together at night.

We hardly ever fought. I think there was only one time when we had something close to being a physical altercation, in high school. Mom was getting ready for a banquet at our house that evening and my sister and I were helping out. I don’t remember what we were fighting about, but it got heated and my sister and I both reached out our arms to grab each other. We’re about the same physical strength, so none of us moved an inch. After about 5 seconds, we looked at each other and burst out laughing! We then started chatting and helping out again, as if nothing ever happened. That’s how fast we’re able to let go of our arguments.

We made a pact that whenever we get into an argument, it doesn’t matter whose fault it was, or whose fault we think it was, we will take turns in making the first move to make up. We kept to our word and always made up really quickly.

My sister told me that I was a little bully when I was small, because I am the baby in the family, so I always got things my way (by crying). When I was a toddler, I had my own adult-sized chair, and if anyone sat it, I would just start crying until they got off my chair. My sister said that she didn’t like me that much back then. However, as the years went by, she started realizing how kind and loving I am, so she made an effort to connect with me, and to accommodate my shortcomings.

I was really touched when she told me that. I always thought that we were just naturally close to each other. I didn’t know that she consciously made an effort to be close to me. After learning about that, I just grew to love her even more.

She hasn’t been well and her condition has deteriorated more in the past few years. My parents are getting old and I feel that one day I will have to go back to Taiwan to take care of them, and my sister. I still feel very uneasy about it since I left Taiwan when I was 3 years old, and I don’t have many happy memories of being there. I’m also not used to it being so congested, and humid (especially in summer). I’m still trying to conquer this obstacle I have of going back to Taiwan one day to be close to my family again. This is why I want to learn about online marketing, and be able to make money from it, because then I can earn an income without being limited by where I’m at, or by time zone differences.

I miss my sister so much. I love her so much.

I had pretty bad pain on the right side of my hip last night. It even woke me up in the middle of the night. I woke up this morning with it as well. I was feeling fine yesterday. I don’t know what could have triggered this right hip pain since last night?

I was once again feeling confused, helpless and hopeless. If I don’t know what caused this right hip pain, then how am I supposed to prevent it from happening again? It seems like my body has a mind of it’s own, and just acts out whenever it feels like it…

I committed myself to eft tapping for the entire time that I’m listening to the 2021 Tapping World Summit, so I decided to do some tapping for pain after practicing my gratitude exercise this morning. I felt a little better after doing the tapping. I then used my Deep Massager Pro to massage my lower back, hip and thigh muscles; focusing more on my right hip this time. I felt even better afterwards! I still feel that my right hip is out of alignment as I feel that my right leg is shorter than my left leg. I still need to get that adjusted, so that I don’t end up with really bad right hip pain again later on. The root of the problem (right hip being out of alignment) still needs to be addressed. However, the symptom (the right hip pain) has alleviated significantly.

I started listening to an episode from the Gut-Brain Solution – Episode 9 – Reclaiming your Center: Restorative Solutions for Better Moods, Sound Sleep & A Happy Gut whilst multi-tasking – doing a million other things at the same time (as usual) as well. I suddenly felt a tremendous sense of gratitude for my life, and for what I have in life.

There are millions of people out there that still has to physically go to work to earn a living. It’s great if they enjoy what they’re doing, but most of them are just doing it to make ends meet. I am still able to keep my work at home job at night, and get a lot of my own work done during that time as well. I don’t have to worry about putting food on the table. I don’t have to worry about making ends meet, or paying rent, etc. There are so many people in my life that I feel grateful for – my family, my friends, my health-care practitioners, and myself. I am so grateful that I am finally being able to begin to love myself and accept myself as I am.

I am so grateful that I am here inside my cozy, warm 69F townhouse journaling about how grateful I feel. I am so grateful that I have so many resources available to me in order to better myself – mind, body, spirit & financially. I am so grateful to the Universe for bringing love, health, happiness, luck, abundance and prosperity into my life. Thank you so much!!!

Your Song

Sir Elton John

It’s a little bit funny
This feeling inside
I’m not one of those who can easily hide
I don’t have much money, but boy if I did
I’d buy a big house where we both could live

If I was a sculptor, ha
But then again, no
Or a man who makes potions in a traveling show
I know it’s not much, but it’s the best I can do
My gift is my song, and this one’s for you

And you can tell everybody
This is your song
It may be quite simple, but now that it’s done
I hope you don’t mind
I hope you don’t mind
That I put down in the words
How wonderful life is while you’re in the world

I sat on the roof and kicked off the moss
Well a few of the verses, well they’ve got me quite cross
But the sun’s been quite kind
While I wrote this song
It’s for people like you that keep it turned on

So excuse me forgetting
But these things I do
You see I’ve forgotten, if they’re green or they’re blue
Anyway the thing is, what I really mean
Yours are the sweetest eyes I’ve ever seen

And you can tell everybody
This is the song
It may be quite simple, but now that it’s done
I hope you don’t mind
I hope you don’t mind
That I put down in the words
How wonderful life is while you’re in the world

I hope you don’t mind
I hope you don’t mind
That I put down in the words
How wonderful life is while you’re in the world

I was raped, by the love of my life. We were on a break. I have been feeling so much shame and guilt and throughout the years, and still have not been able to come to terms with this, or to even truly acknowledge that he raped me. Because if I admit that he raped me, then it makes him a bad person, a criminal. But he was my soulmate, and we’re still friends even up till this day, 17 years later.

I’ve started watching this ‘Trauma’ series on Whole.tv which talks about PTSD and it’s stirring up a lot of emotions deep within me, many that I wish I could just bury forever. But I’m learning that by not acknowledging the trauma that has happened to me, I’m not allowing myself to heal. It’s like sticking a Band-Aid on an infected lesion without putting on an antibiotic ointment first to stop the bacterial infection. So a scab may form on the surface, but deep down, it’s still oozing with pus.

How do I come to terms with being raped by someone who was the love of my life, and who still is, and always will be, my good friend?

After the traumatic incident, I started dissociating a lot for about 3 years. Somehow, it started getting better and I seemed to have stopped dissociating, or at least, it wasn’t so bad. But thinking back, I think I often dissociated on some mild level.

Last year, I went through a very stressful phase, and started dissociating again quite often. Only then, did I remember that I was diagnosed with untreated PTSD the year prior.

I still don’t know how to come to terms with what he did to me…

If there was one thing I could change in my past, that would be to ‘Be Myself, Honor Myself, and to Love Myself’.

2021 is the Best Year ever in my life, because this is the year that I am closing not just the old chapter in my book, but the entire book. I am writing a new book in my life, and it starts NOW.

Looking back, if I had just been myself, honored my true feelings, and stood by myself, then I would have been able to handle a lot of difficult events in my life differently. I would have been able to prevent a lot of tragedies in my life, or at least end them quickly, and not suffer long term consequences from them.

From this day onwards, I will check in with myself, WaWa (my childhood nickname, which means ‘baby doll’), at least once a day, to see how I am feeling. I will stand my ground. I will support myself in a loving manner, especially when there is no one else to support me. I will love myself unconditionally!

I’ll Stand By You

The Pretenders

Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don’t be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through

‘Cause I’ve seen the dark side too
When the night falls on you
You don’t know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less

I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you

So if you’re mad, get mad
Don’t hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too

Well I’m a lot like you
When you’re standing at the crossroads
And don’t know which path to choose
Let me come along
‘Cause even if you’re wrongI’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I’ll never desert you
I’ll stand by you

And when
When the night falls on you, baby
You’re feeling all alone
You won’t be on your own

I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you

I’ll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I’ll never desert you
I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I’ll never desert you
I’ll stand by you

This song makes me think of my Dad. When he was still a young boy in China, and was on his way to school, he was picked up by Chiang Kai-Shek’s army to fight the communist army. When the Kuomintang lost the war to the communist party, my dad and his older brother (my uncle) managed to get onto one of the last battleships that was retreating to Taiwan.

Ironically, the writer of this song, Pete Seeger, was accused of being a communist back in the 50’s.

My dad’s family suffered greatly because of the communist party. They murdered his mother – my grandmother. One of his brothers denounced the entire family and joined the communist party, in order to survive. My dad developed PTSD.

Mom said that throughout the years, dad would be punching and kicking in his sleep, sometimes, even accidentally hurting my mom. When asked what he was dreaming of, he said he was dreaming that he was fighting the enemies.

Sometimes, dad would suddenly get into a rage for what seems to be for no reason at all. This is why sometimes I wonder if I had developed PTSD even before I met my long term abusive boyfriend. This was also during the era where parents and school teachers believed that ‘Spare the rod, spoil the child’, so getting disciplined back then, was not considered to be abuse. Dad did not hit us often, but what was most frightening about dad was the thought of what he might do to us. The anticipation of fear was greater than the fear itself.

‘We are the World’ came out when we were still living in Taiwan, before dad got transferred to South Africa. My sister went and bought the album and us three kids were playing it over and over again, and singing along. When dad came home, he tried to ask us nicely to lower the volume. My brother innocently said that it wasn’t that loud. Without saying a word, dad went into the kitchen, took a meat cleaver, and chopped the tape in half. This frightened me greatly as I felt like dad could just lose it one day, and without any warning signs, just kill us….

I have a lot of compassion for dad though, and I love him dearly. There was no such thing as counseling back then. He managed to escape to Taiwan with nothing, leaving the army, finishing his university degree, passing the foreign service exam, and eventually becoming a diplomat. I don’t think anyone outside of our home knows of his violent, erratic temper.

I have never picked up the courage to ask dad if he had ever had to kill anyone in order to survive back then? Honestly speaking, I don’t think I’d ever want to know…

I also have PTSD… How can I heal myself?

“Where Have All The Flowers Gone”

Pete Seeger

Where have all the flowers gone, long time passing?
Where have all the flowers gone, long time ago?
Where have all the flowers gone?
Young girls have picked them everyone.
Oh, when will they ever learn?
Oh, when will they ever learn?

Where have all the young girls gone, long time passing?
Where have all the young girls gone, long time ago?
Where have all the young girls gone?
Gone for husbands everyone.
Oh, when will they ever learn?
Oh, when will they ever learn?

Where have all the husbands gone, long time passing?
Where have all the husbands gone, long time ago?
Where have all the husbands gone?
Gone for soldiers everyone
Oh, when will they ever learn?
Oh, when will they ever learn?

Where have all the soldiers gone, long time passing?
Where have all the soldiers gone, long time ago?
Where have all the soldiers gone?
Gone to graveyards, everyone.
Oh, when will they ever learn?
Oh, when will they ever learn?

Where have all the graveyards gone, long time passing?
Where have all the graveyards gone, long time ago?
Where have all the graveyards gone?
Gone to flowers, everyone.
Oh, when will they ever learn?
Oh, when will they ever learn?

Where have all the flowers gone, long time passing?
Where have all the flowers gone, long time ago?
Where have all the flowers gone?
Young girls have picked them everyone.
Oh, when will they ever learn?
Oh, when will they ever learn?

I have a dental degree and used to be a dentist in South Africa and the UK. I have a MBA degree. I am also a California-licensed Acupuncturist and Herbalist. I have also taken additional courses in Astrology, Homeopathy, Flower Essences, Reflexology, Feng-Shui, Chinese Astrology, Stock Trading, Internet Marketing, Website design, and the list just goes on and on and on…

I’m basically a ‘professional’ student and feel most at home when I’m in a learning environment. I tend to struggle in my work environment mainly because I have issues with setting boundaries, so often get taken advantage of.

This, of course, makes me want to learn more, and work less.

I have reached a point in my life where I no longer know what on earth I want to do with my life? I feel unfulfilled. What is my calling? Why am I here? What is my purpose in life?

I feel, and always have felt most attracted to the spiritual and personal development field, and really wish to be able to flourish in those fields. However, because of all those degrees I already have, and am not putting into good use, I feel like if I don’t do something that is more ‘intelligent’, ‘tangible’, and ‘acceptable’, then I’m not putting my potential into good use, that I’ve wasted all my years of life, and all the money, in obtaining those degrees.

My dad was a military officer, who then changed careers and became a diplomat for Taiwan. My mom was a school teacher. I am a dentist and an acupuncturist. Yet, I want to just go into this spiritual development field, that is not accepted by ‘mainstream’. Can I really do that? Will I be disappointing my parents by choosing to do that?

I love being an acupuncturist and herbalist, and I am very good at it. I have natural healing abilities, and my patients love me. But due to relocating to MN, Covid, and my auto-immune issues, I have not pursued that. I’ve also noticed that I tend to pick up on other people’s energies and the energy around me easily. I can sense and feel everything around me. But I’m not very good at letting go, and releasing those external energies, so I end up getting very ill myself. A lot of times, my body and soul just absorbs the negative energies of people around me to help heal them, and I carry the karma of those negative energies myself.

That is why I’m a bit scared to start treating patients again. I feel like with the current circumstances, it’s best of me to do some kind of online work, and distant healing. I also wish to continue learning all the self-development and spiritual practices, but then once again, feel like it’s not putting my intelligence into good use. Is this my ego talking? Who do I think I am? Why do I think that a dentist is better than an astrologer, or that an acupuncturist is better than a tarot reader? At the end of the day, they’re all doing the same thing, and that is, to help heal humanity.

This is my psychological block, career-wise. I want to work towards releasing this block, so that I can do what I truly enjoy in life, and help humanity, and turn my passion into profit.

I Started a Joke

by The Bee Gees

I started a joke which started the whole world crying
But I didn’t see that the joke was on me oh no
I started to cry which started the whole world laughing
Oh If I’d only seen that the joke was on me

I looked at the skies running my hands over my eyes
And I fell out of bed hurting my head from things that I said
‘Till I finally died which started the whole world living
Oh if I’d only seen that the joke was on me

I looked at the skies running my hands over my eyes
And I fell out of bed hurting my head from things that I said
‘Till I finally died which started the whole world living
Oh if I’d only seen that the joke was on me
Oh no that the joke was on me

I am supposed to work on Category 6 – Love & Relationship, of my Lifebook journey this week, but I feel absolutely blocked and stuck… I don’t even feel like watching the video for this category.

I’ve been married for what seems like forever now. However, it was either turbulent or void of life. I had to deal with his addiction, health, legal, and marital issues for the most part of our marriage. And then around 3 years ago was when I just started drifting more and more apart from this marriage. We, and I, went through a lot of stress, but I did not feel that he was supportive of me at all during those times. Strangely enough, for the past 3 years, I have been unable to remember our wedding anniversary, even though it’s written down on my planner. I think subconsciously, I just didn’t want to remember that fateful day…

Not only was my medical school boyfriend in South Africa abusive towards me, but he was also a ‘High Functioning’ Alcoholic. After him, I swore to myself that I will never be with an alcoholic again. Yet, lo and behold, I ended up marrying one! I am a psychology textbook case! If he isn’t in a wet drunk phase, then he’s in a dry drunk phase. When it comes to being married to an addict who isn’t willing to seek help and better himself, I can’t win. I’m damned if I do, and damned if I don’t!

About a month ago, he came home one night upset, and just acting strange. Then, he went upstairs to the bathroom and I could hear loud noises. Next thing I know, he walks down the stairs and says to me ‘The shower knob broke’. Seriously? The shower knob just broke on its own? And he doesn’t think that it has anything to do with him banging things around when he was in the bathroom? In fact, I can not recall him once admitting that he broke something. It is always that the thing ‘broke on its own’, and he is just so unlucky to always be the last person ‘touching’ it before it broke.

When I pointed out to him that he was being very loud and banging things around in the bathroom, so he could have possibly handled the shower knob roughly, he got even more upset. I was upset too, so I told him to fix it! Man, was that a bad mistake on my part! I basically gave him the green light to take out his frustrations and break more things. He ended up breaking our screwdriver when he was banging it against the shower plate, and he also destroyed the shower plate as well. I suspect that he had been drinking, but I’ve stopped bothering to ask him as in the past, he was even willing to swear on his mother’s life that he did not drink, even though I was 99% sure that he did. He had in the past, stared into my eyes with his bloodshot eyes, and alcoholic breath, and said me, ‘No, I did not drink!’.

Once again, I, had to make excuses for him. I, had to call up our landlord and tell him that my husband just ‘touched’ the shower knob, and it broke. I am so angry at myself for always having to cover his tracks, and always enabling him. I, had to deal with the handyman coming into our townhouse to replace the shower knob in the midst of this pandemic.

This is why I even stopped thinking that I deserved love from him. I told myself, that as long as he’s not drinking, especially not drinking and driving, then I should be grateful, and I should be content with that.

I keep on trying to think positive, but how is this possible with my circumstances? Even though we sleep in separate bedrooms, and have not been intimate for years now, yet, I’m scared to even leave him home alone for one night, because I’m afraid that he’ll go out and drink again. And what really bothers me is his behavior. I mean, if you must drink, then why can’t you just take the alcohol home and drink at home? Why must you drink outside, and then take the risk of getting caught with a DUI, and worse, with injuring or killing someone? I can’t figure out the psychology behind someone choosing to drink and drive. Does he get a thrill for not getting caught? Is that what this is all about?

When we were still in California, he was even bragging to me that he has found this local route from the bar to our home, so that there’s minimal risk of him getting caught. I used to feel so much guilt and shame. Because I feel that I’m enabling a criminal, and someone who doesn’t care for other people’s lives. If he ended up killing someone because he was drinking and driving, then the burden is on me. I am an accomplice to his crime.

I had even pleaded with him, practically begging him, that if he did drink, to please call me so that I can go and pick him up, but to please not drive. And of course, that fell on deaf ears as well.

I feel no love in this marriage, my needs are not taken care of, and yet, I can not leave. Because if I do, then I am not a good person. Even my parents tell me that if I leave him, then he will just drink himself to death. As much as I love my dad, his ignorance and chauvinism just shows when he doesn’t think it’s a big deal, and constantly tells me to let (even to the point of encouraging!) him drink a little bit each day, and to even drink together with him! I keep trying to forgive my dad for the horrible values he has instilled into us as children, and as a woman, for he does not know better. My dad was born in the era where ‘Children and Women are meant to be seen, NOT to be heard’. We weren’t allowed to have a voice as a child, and as a woman as well.

Dad also brainwashed mom to tell me the same thing as well every time we spoke on the phone. It drove me nuts! I wanted to please my parents and make them happy. Yet, deep down inside, I knew that what they were telling me was a load of crap! And the main reason being their ignorance of having no idea what ‘Alcoholism’ truly is. So here I am, fighting this battle entirely on my own, with zero support from anyone whatsoever.

I can just see it, if I finally have the courage to leave him one day, then his ending will just be like the movie ‘Leaving Las Vegas’. He will spend whatever hard-earned money he has left and drink himself to death. Therefore, if I leave him, I am basically committing murder. What do I do? What can I do? I feel so trapped. I feel like the only purpose for my existence on this earth is to stop him from drinking. And I am the best excuse he has for acting cold and mean towards everyone, because he has a horrible, mean wife who won’t let him drink. I am damned if I do, and damned if I don’t!

All this stress and being neglected for the past 13 years has drained the life force out of me. I keep on telling myself that I need to stay positive, but the reality is, I am so miserable. I am so trapped, and I am so stuck with my life circumstances. I don’t know how long I can continue to take this. I don’t know what to do anymore…

As I start to meditate more and work more on my vision of my life, I’m being lifted to a higher level of consciousness and I love remaining in that higher vibrational state. I love journaling, blogging on my website, listening to music, and learning new things every day.

However, the reality is that there are so many things I ‘need’ to do.

I need to:

• Finish my Acupuncture CEU’s and renew my CA Acupuncture license in March.
• Start my online business, and start learning on how to profit from affiliate marketing online.
• Work on ideas of developing my own online membership or digital product.
• Take care of all of my husband’s independent contractor’s tax-related documents.
• Start organizing all of our tax documents.
• Take care of my dad’s ‘stuff’ in South Africa.
• Continue with my work-from-home bilingual customer service position.

And of course, the non-ending routine of cleaning, grocery shopping, organizing, and just mundane tasks that we as humans have to do on this earth constantly.

I wish I could just hide on a deserted island in the Pacific ocean where I can just meditate and enjoy what I really love doing every day; instead of what I ‘need’ to do, or what I think I ‘need’ to do. I wish I could find a way of turning my passions into profit without the limitation of time and space. I wish I could just remain in my happy loving dream state for a little longer…

Sigh, guess it’s time for me to go back to Earth, and get some work done now…

I think we have a Twin Flame connection…

Twin Flame is an intense soul connection, sometimes called a “mirror soul,” thought to be a person’s other half. It’s based on the idea that sometimes one soul gets split into two bodies. One of the main characteristics of a twin flame relationship is that it will be both challenging and healing. This is due to the mirroring nature of a twin flame; they show you your deepest insecurities, fears, and shadows. But they also help you overcome them and vice versa—your twin flame will be equally affected by you. (Source: https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/twin-flames-signs-meaning-and-stages).

It feels like a love-hate relationship you have with yourself, that is being reflected upon by your twin flame partner.

After I moved in with him, our relationship started to change. Things got too real for us and we could no longer hide our true selves from each other anymore. Thinking back, the first sign of us having a twin flame connection was that not long after moving in together; feeling deceived and betrayed by how he was treating me differently than before, I said to him, “You’ve changed!”. He snapped back at me and said “No, you’re the one who has changed!”.

I was shocked! I felt like, he’s so damn lazy that he couldn’t even come up with something more original, and just decided to copy what I’ve said? Yet, could this be us mirroring each other?

I felt that he has changed, in his attitude towards me, but perhaps, I have as well??? Who changed first? What happened, I don’t know?

I think after struggling with him for so long, I’m afraid to once again be me… Like a chameleon, I metamorphosed in order to keep peace. I gave up what I truly believe in: communication, intimacy, and the expression of love – to the point where I’ve lost myself…..

I think he reflects the shadow side of me which doesn’t believe that I am deserving of love…

Where Did All the Good Times Go?

by Dennis Yost & the Classics IV

We lived in the country when I was a child
You lived up the highway, ’bout half a mile
We laughed away the hours, runnin’ to and fro
Tell me baby, where did the good times go?

I can still remember summers in the shade
Winters by the fireplace, the promises we made
You said, you’d always love me, what happened, I don’t know
Baby, where did all the good times go?

Where did all the good times go? Where did they go?
Tell me, woman, if you know, where did the good times go?

I can still remember summers in the shade
Winters by the fireplace, the promises we made
You said, you’d always love me, what happened, I don’t know
Baby, where did all the good times go?

Where did all the good times go? Where did they go?
Tell me, woman, if you know, where did the good times go?