Detoxifying my body, healing my mind, and getting in touch with my soul. 🤗
Witness – Dance Scene – What a Wonderful World ~ Sam Cooke
Got some doctors’ appointments coming up, and have been putting them off for a long time now. I almost wanted to cancel this afternoon’s appointment after I woke up this morning. Even my body has not been feeling well, possibly to help give me an excuse to do so. I finally told my body that “You are going to this afternoon’s appointment!”. After that, my body started to calm down with all the symptoms.
I’m going to face my fears. I’m going to take it one step at a time. I will go to this afternoon’s appointment, and then decide about the other ones later on…
Wish me luck! 😃
What a Wonderful World!
~ Sam Cooke
Don’t know much about history Don’t know much biology Don’t know much about a science book Don’t know much about the French I took
But I do know that I love you And I know that if you love me, too What a wonderful world this would be
Don’t know much about geography Don’t know much trigonometry Don’t know much about algebra Don’t know what a slide rule is for
But I do know one and one is two And if this one could be with you What a wonderful world this would be
Now, I don’t claim to be an A student But I’m trying to be For maybe by being an A student, baby I can win your love for me
Don’t know much about history Don’t know much biology Don’t know much about a science book Don’t know much about the French I took
But I do know that I love you And I know that if you love me, too What a wonderful world this would be
Latatatatata ah History (Mmmm) Biology (Well a-tatatatata) Science book (Mmmm) French I took, yeah
But I do know that I love you And I know that if you love me, too What a wonderful world this would be
Watching “New in Town” on Amazon Prime, which is a romantic comedy about a Miami city girl coming to New Ulm, Minnesota, and the shock she initially had, especially regarding Minnesota’s winter. 🥶 She later came to love this place and decided to settle down here, with her newfound love.
Race You ~ Elizabeth & the Catapult
My husband and I were fortunate that we arrived in Minnesota in fall, which to me, is the most beautiful time of the year to be in Minnesota. This is when the leaves change colors and the entire state turns into gorgeous shades of pink, orange, yellow, and pretty much any color you can think of. The weather is mild and temperate and this is when you don’t need to turn on the heater or the A/C.
This movie portrays Minnesotans as very down-to-earth, humble, kind, and generous people, which is how I feel as well, after living here for almost 7 years now.
Love the song that was played in this movie – “Race You” by Elizabeth and the Catapult.
It does bring on some feelings of nostalgia, of going Home, to Taiwan, to be with my family again…….
Race You
~ Elizabeth & the Catapult
I’m gonna race you race you race you race you back home The sun’s going down now And I’m ready to go, I’m ready to go
‘Cause there’s dirt on my skirt and pebbles stuck in my Toes Oh which way should we go down Nobody knows, nobody knows I’m gonna race you back home Ba ba ba ba ba ba ooh I’m gonna race you back home Ba ba ba ba ba ba oooh
‘Cause there’s a shortcut down the beaten path One step to the right, three to the left The moon’s so high The wind’s so fast Makes us feel like goddesses
1 2 3 set, ready set go May heaven help you if you’re slow We’re gonna run like bandits While the flames are chasin’ Racin’ racin’ racin’ racin’ back home
Ooh I’m gonna race you race you race you race you back Home Everyone’s waitin’ And your supper’s gone cold, your supper’s gone cold
Yeah the table’s ready, your sisters all in a row They’re all waitin’ to kiss you And tell me you’ve grown, my how you’ve grown I’m gonna race you back home Ba ba ba ba ba ba oooh I’m gonna race you back home Ba ba ba ba ba ba oooh
Roll roll roll Run run run Meet me at the bottom After I have won
Roll roll roll Run run run Meet me at the bottom After I have won I have won
‘Cause there’s a shortcut down the beaten path One step to the right, three to the left The moon’s so high The wind’s so fast Makes us feel like goddesses
1 2 3 set, ready set go May heaven help you if you’re slow We’re gonna run like bandits While the flames are chasin’ Racin’ racin’ racin’ racin’ Oh I’m gonna race you back home Home home Home.
My Facebook account was hacked a few years ago. In fact, our home wifi, all of our accounts and all of our devices were hacked. We have since moved, changed all of our devices and account passwords. However, we still can not retrieve many of our accounts.
I finally decided this week to reconnect with my friends via a new Facebook account. I know that I will not be able to find many of them, but will just have to try my best.
I reconnected with one of my sister’s high school classmates in South Africa, who is also my friend. We had a small Asian community back then, and especially with my dad being a diplomat, we all knew each other well.
I had a short romantic affair with her brother-in-law, who at the time, was engaged to another friend of mine. We knew that it was forbidden love and could not last for long.
Our family got to know him from a long time ago, when we used to go to a temple in South Africa every weekend. He was a very spiritual person. I remember back then that he was so “pretty”, so handsome, with a great physical physique. He also had a charming and intriguing personality. But we just knew each other on a superficial level back then, and just chatted briefly, whenever we met at the temple.
Fast-forward years later. After feeling totally unfulfilled and miserable with being a dentist in the UK, I came back to South Africa, to my old university, and decided to become a pharmacist instead.
One day, by chance, I met him at a shopping mall. We felt this instant magnetic attraction and had lunch together. Then, started our crazy whirlwind romance. I don’t remember the exact details, but I was in his car and he was driving me somewhere. He suddenly said to me that he didn’t want me to leave and suggested that we head down to the beach, which is like a 14 hour drive. And I agreed! So there we were, heading towards Cape Town, with nothing but my purse and his wallet!
He was a kind, generous and caring man. Throughout the whole trip, I just felt taken care of completely. He bought me all the necessary essentials, bought food, and got us booked into a hotel room. We ate, took a shower together, had passionate, kinky sex, and just chatted and had a lot of fun! We stopped by different scenic areas along the way and just enjoyed each other’s company a lot. It almost felt like a honeymoon!
After we headed back home, we still met up and I stayed at his house for a while. We took romantic showers together, made love, listened to music, and had deep emotional conversations. He took me out to eat, and bought me things as well. We were just like a romantic couple in love. Even though we were only together for a short time, I felt a deep connection with him, but we knew that it could not last for long. At one point, he broke down emotionally and told me his deepest, darkest secrets. I felt really sorry for him. I could feel him being torn apart and deeply affected by it.
After a short while studying pharmacology, I realized that I don’t really want to become a pharmacist. I didn’t know what I wanted be, but I just knew that I no longer wanted to be a dentist. I left South Africa for good, and then came to California and studied MBA at a Buddhist-founded university, which was where I met my ex.
I connected with the guy in South Africa via Facebook messenger about 6 years ago. I was already in Minnesota and he was still in South Africa, but traveling around a lot. I think he was either in his third marriage, or had just ended it. I remember one time seeing a Facebook post of him ranting and raving about how his ex-wife burned all of his photos, and I still remember how handsome he used to look.
After getting back on the social media grid this week, I thought of reconnecting with him, just to see how he’s doing. I asked the high school friend (his sister-in-law) of his Facebook username and she told me that sadly, he passed away last year. I think he’s only one or two years older than me. :(….
I feel devastated, but since no one knows of the love affair we had in the past, I can not let anyone know how sad I feel. I thought of the deep dark secrets he told me, which I think affected his life a lot. I miss the short, yet unforgettable time we had together from such a long time ago. I miss him…
I pray that he is a much better place now; constantly surrounded by love, light, joy, happiness and health.
Rest in Peace my dear friend, your secret is safe with me.
My ex owns an online business and has been delivering a part to me, and asking me to help him mail it whenever someone orders it from his online store. For some reason, the vendor that sell the parts won’t deliver it to California, so my ex asked if I could help him out and I said “Yes”. So whenever someone orders the part from his online store, he emails me the shipping label. I then print out the shipping label, pack the part, and drop it off at the post office nearby.
Let Her Go – Passenger
My printer has been having connection problems since a few months ago and after a few times of working and then not working again, I just kind of gave up and didn’t want to deal with it anymore (at least for now…). So, whenever I need something to be scanned or printed out, I would ask my husband to please help me do that from his workplace.
A few weeks ago, I asked my husband to help me print out my ex’s shipping label, so that I can drop it off at the post office the next day. I honestly felt (from the way he spoke) that he intentionally ‘forgot’ to do it. Since it was already a few days after the customer had placed the order, I asked my husband if he could just help me drop it off the next morning after printing out the shipping label?
I felt like he had a bone to pick with me and decided to conveniently use this as an excuse. He first asked me “Is ________ paying you to do this?”. I told him “No”. I was just starting to explain to him that the reason my ex is asking for my help is because the vendor won’t ship the part to California, but before I could even get two words in, my husband started to take off with me. The argument turned bad and I walked downstairs in order to stop engaging with him. After my husband went to sleep, I called my ex and told him to just mail me the shipping labels from now on so that I won’t have to “beg” my husband to print them out, and then have him use it as an excuse to get into an argument with me over something else.
My ex asked if my husband had a problem with me helping him out, and I said “No”. I’m not sure if my husband does have a slight problem with it, but I didn’t want my ex to feel bad about it. So my ex said “Sure”, and has started to mail me the shipping labels whenever someone places an order.
I received two shipping labels from him this afternoon, and this was the first time he enclosed the receipt for the customers as well. I found out that he only charges them around $15 for the part. This means that even if he managed to buy it from the vendor at 50% off, he probably only ends up profiting at $5/order at the most, since he still has to mail the shipping labels to me as well.
I’ve been feeling kind of down after finding out about this. I didn’t realize that his profit margin was so low. I have always felt like my ex is so money-hungry; always wanting to profit from every single cent, and save money whenever he can (including asking me to help him out with various things for free all these years). He seems to be pretty financially sound, but I don’t know to what extent?
I just feel this compassion and sympathy for him for having to work so hard in order to earn such a small profit. It’s not like I don’t think that my husband works hard. My husband works very hard. I actually think that my husband works a lot harder than my ex. But I feel that my husband’s “return on investment” for his hard work seems to be a lot more compared to my ex. I can’t even tell my husband about this, because I don’t think he’d be too pleased to hear about me feeling sorry for my ex… My husband and my ex know each other, but it’s not exactly like they’re the best of friends either.
I also don’t tell my parents much about my ex because they feel like he delayed the best years of my life to get married and to start a family. Even my mom, who has almost saint-like qualities, still has some resentment towards my ex (and I know that she only feels this way because she loves me very much, and is standing up for me), and I often end up having to tell my mom that it’s time to let this go…
Mom doesn’t like it too much when she hears that my ex and I still talk on the phone even though I’ve been telling her that we’re just friends, and have just been friends for such a long time now. Mom says that my ex regrets letting me go…
After we were no longer a couple, my ex said to me one day, “Don’t ever treat your man too well. Don’t do everything for him. Otherwise, he will take you for granted”. I think this is my ex’s way of thanking me for all that I have done for him, and to apologize to me for taking me for granted… I still didn’t learn my lesson though, and once again, I feel that I’m being taken for granted (and not taken care of) in my marriage….
I went for a pleasant walk in the park this afternoon. It was sunny, but quite chilly though, 43F, Brrrrr! Had my winter layers on but didn’t wear my gloves. Was thinking of wearing my mask to warm up my face (and for protection, in case there’s a lot of people walking past), but that kind of defeats the purpose of being in nature (to smell the fresh air)… Ended up with cold hands and a runny nose for a while, but back in my warm, cozy home now. 😀
Called my mom just now and had another long, heartwarming conversation with her, as always….
You’re Still The One – Shania Twain
I have not been telling mom a lot of stressful things going on in my life for quite a while now, because she’s stressed out herself with taking care of my dad and my sister. However, I’ve been having so much stress especially for the past few weeks, it was all boiling up inside of me, ready to explode.
I finally vented a whole lot of anxiety and frustrations to my mom (in a nice way, of course. Not using her as a punching bag, unlike some other people…).
I know that I’ve been complaining about my dad more these days. However, I am very protective of my family. NO ONE is allowed to bad mouth (except for me, when I’m venting to my mom or sister) or hurt my family.
So, I was once again complaining about something (forgot about what now, something insignificant) about my dad. And mom defended dad. I was actually so happy she did that. Because as much I want to complain about something I’m unhappy about dad, I still love him very much. So, I’m really glad that mom has his back. This makes me feel more at ease if I want to complain about dad, without having to feel guilty for doing so.
This also got me thinking… my parents have been married for over 50 years now. Throughout the past 20 years, dad started to appreciate my mom more and more. Especially in the past 10 years or so, dad will always tell mom that the wisest decision he has ever made in his life was to marry her, and I agree with him wholeheartedly!
It warms my heart so much to know of this everlasting kind of true love. And as much as I sometimes don’t feel like dad treated my mom right in certain ways, mom doesn’t feel that way. I guess every one feels differently about different things. Besides, I don’t know what happens behind closed doors. Maybe dad is all mushy around mom when no one else is around?
I’m just so happy that regardless of whatever hardships our family has been through and are still going through, we will always have each other’s backs. We will always look out for each other and take care of each other. Been married for over 50 years and still loving each other, my gosh, you hardly hear of romances like this these days!
I dedicate this song to my parents. I hope that everyone can find their “You’re Still The One” to be with forever and ever!
You’re Still The One
~ Shania Twain
Looks like we made it
Look how far we’ve come my baby
We mighta took the long way
We knew we’d get there someday
They said, “I bet they’ll never make it”
But just look at us holding on
We’re still together still going strong
You’re still the one I run to
The one that I belong to
You’re still the one I want for life (You’re still the one)
You’re still the one that I love
The only one I dream of
You’re still the one I kiss good night
Ain’t nothin’ better
We beat the odds together
I’m glad we didn’t listen
Look at what we would be missin’
They said, I bet they’ll never make it
But just look at us holding on
We’re still together, still going strong
You’re still the one I run to
The one that I belong to
You’re still the one I want for life (You’re still the one)
Being married to the wrong person really sucks! It’s bad enough when you don’t share the same aspirations towards life, or have common interests, it’s far worse when you’re at the opposite end of the spectrum, when you’re at conflict as to what is right or wrong. When what you feel is the right thing to do is being vehemently opposed by the other person.
And now you’re stuck. You’ve given up your hopes, your dreams for this marriage, without being appreciated, and all for what? For nothing. Nothing that really matters to you – love, joy, happiness, passion, being cared for, and a sense of belonging. None of that, all that is left is a piece of paper reminding you that you are stuck.
He is so negative, not just towards you, but towards everyone else as well. Towards life in general. Especially in the past few years, he’s had problems with his work and it’s understandable to feel defeated. But you went through it with him as well, you suffered through it as well. You tried your best to make yourself happy again, and you try your best to make him feel happy, but it’s like the only emotions he has towards life are anger, jealousy, and resentment. And he can’t stand it when you try to feel joy and laughter in your life, so he will do his damn best to bring you down to same low vibrational level as himself. Misery loves company! If this was just an acquaintance, then you can just decide to stop interacting with him. But no, you live in the same house. As little as you two interact with each other, when he’s in a bad mood, he will actually take some time to talk to you and make you angry and upset. That’s the only time he’s willing to waste his ‘precious’ time and energy on you, to bring you down to the same low vibrational energy as himself.
You were brave enough tonight to just decide to stop engaging with him, and go downstairs to do some tapping, and let him continue yapping and yelling upstairs, while trying to drown out what he says. Well done, until next time…..
If you choose to leave this marriage, especially after so long, then you are a bad person. You probably weren’t being loving enough, or caring enough, or understanding enough. You’re a woman, you’re supposed to obey everything your man says. At least, that was how you were brought up. You’re not supposed to speak your mind. What you care, or how you feel, does not matter.
He didn’t ask to end this, so how dare you even think about it? He is your family member now. Even your parents and siblings see him as your family member. If you leave him, then you are a cruel, cold and heartless person. Even your own family will speak against you, especially your dad (whom you love dearly), who believes that a good wife is supposed to be at her husband’s beck and call, and is not supposed to argue with him; someone like your mom, your loving, kind mom, who was basically treated like a doormat. Not that your dad doesn’t her, he loves her dearly, but he expects her to behave in a certain obedient way, and she obeys him. And you know what’s even worse? Your mom, who has a saint-like quality, doesn’t think so. Therefore, you feel guilty for agreeing with your siblings that your mom was treated like a doormat. And this is your dad that we’re talking about, for goodness sake! How can you think bad things about your dad? This is how you grew up, this is what you’re familiar with. So, the fact that you even argue with your husband makes you feel guilty, because you are not obeying what your father has taught you growing up. How can you disobey your father? So now, you feel guilty, not just towards your husband, but towards your father as well! No one in your family has ever gotten a divorce, so you will be shaming your family if you do so! You made the choice, so live with it!
Even though your father is now suffering from memory loss due to aging, he will still remember to remind you whenever you two speak on the phone that, “Your husband is busy, so he probably won’t talk to you much. I was like that as well”. He will remind you constantly to bury your feelings, to accept that your husband doesn’t want to talk, or even have any interactions with, because he’s busy, so he’s “entitled” to treat you like you don’t exist. And it’s your job to try and make conversations with him, but remember, if he doesn’t want to interact, or even if he seems annoyed that you’re making conversation with him, then don’t bother him. And if he wants to take his frustrations from work out on you, then let him do that, because you’re supposed to be a good wife. He works so hard, so it is his God-given right to take his anger and frustrations out on you. Just accept it and behave accordingly. Your mom accepted her fate, so what is your problem???
He has never appreciated anything that you have done for him. Never did, and never will!
Even your dear, loving mother will say to you, “You can’t leave him, or he will drink himself to death”. So there you have it, both your mom and dad, that you love dearly, make it clear to you over and over again that you need to sacrifice your happiness for the greater good. Basically, the message (perhaps inadvertently) that they are sending to you, is that “You Don’t Matter”! Besides, it’s not like you’re a saint yourself. If your husband is willing to put up with your shortcomings, then you should be grateful enough already! Sigh…. No wonder my sister is ill! I’m surprised I haven’t lost my mind completely yet! Sometimes, I’m not sure who I’m more angry with? My husband, or my parents???
Live small, dream small, be a doormat, because that’s how a woman is supposed to behave, especially when she becomes a wife. That’s basically what you were taught growing up…
You are stuck, you are so stuck. This is probably why you’re always feeling like so many joints in your body is stuck! Because that is the energy you carry with you everywhere you go, of being stuck, and staying stuck. And if you want to unstuck yourself, then you are a bad person, a bad daughter and a bad wife.
It’s not like you have not encountered people that you have strong feelings towards, but what the heck are you supposed to do, besides burying those feelings deep inside of you, and just drowning those feelings. You might as well just not feel, because what you’re feeling towards another person is wrong. You’re supposed to be feeling those feelings towards your husband, not someone else. That is wrong! So, you might as well just not feel anything at all, what’s the point?
I was born into a life filled with trauma. My parents are survivors of war. My siblings and I went through a lot of traumatic events. I was in a long-term abusive relationship with a man who experienced a lot of trauma. I also married a man who is a trauma survivor. We all react differently to trauma. Perhaps, some ways better than others. But at the end of the day, we are all suffering…
I have been feeling unfulfilled especially in the past few years, not knowing my purpose in life. Why am I here on this earth? What is my true calling in life?
I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that I went through so much pain and suffering in my life so that I will be able to feel the pain and suffering of others, and share my experiences and resources with them, so that we can all help each other heal.
I feel that this is my true calling in life; to provide other trauma survivors resources to help heal ourselves, so that we can all live a fulfilled, healthy and happy life. A purposeful life that is filled with love, joy, and laughter.
I want to develop more compassion, more sympathy, and more empathy towards others. I want to become more accepting of other people’s point of view. I want to learn to love and accept others as they are, just as I am also learning to love and accept myself, as I am.
Servant of Peace
~Snatam Kaur
Aad Sach, Jugaad Sach (True in the beginning, True thoughout the ages)
Haibhay Sach, Nanak Hosee Bhay Sach (True here and now, O Nanak, God shall forever be True)
Aad Sach, Jugaad Sach (True in the beginning, True thoughout the ages)
Haibhay Sach, Nanak Hosee Bhay Sach (True here and now, O Nanak, God shall forever be True)
Lord, make me an instrument of Thy Peace; Where there is hatred, let me sow love; Where there is injury, pardon; Where there is doubt, faith; Where there is despair, hope; Where there is darkness, light; Where there is sadness, joy.
Oh Divine Master, Grant that I may not so much seek To be consoled as to console; To be understood, as to understand; To be loved, as to love; For it is in giving that we receive, It is in pardoning that we are pardoned, It is in dying that we are born into eternal life.
“Our lives are like a candle in the wind” – Carl Sandburg
I had a heartfelt talk with my mom this morning. It has only been a few days since we last spoke, yet, she sounded depressed and was beating herself up over how she raised us 3 kids. This is mainly because of my sister’s recalcitrant illness…
Mom said that she read an article a few days ago saying that if the parents aren’t happy, then they pass the sadness down to their children. My mom also had a traumatic upbringing, and she apologized to me for not laughing enough with us when we were growing up.
Lately, we had been discussing all the factors that may have lead to my sister’s illness, starting from when she was in my mother’s womb. I expressed to her as to what I thought may have been the contributing factors leading to my sister’s illness, and she agreed with me wholeheartedly.
We had a picture-perfect family that even my dad’s colleagues were envious of. This was all shattered when my sister became ill around 32 years ago. My brother blamed my parents for my sister’s illness and he started rebelling towards them. I was still in high school when my sister got ill, and I started feeling sick all over my body. I still remember vividly typing up 6 pages of all the physical symptoms that I was experiencing and I handed that to the doctor. The doctor glanced at it for less than a minute, and then told my mom that I need to get counseling. No prescription medication, nothing, just counseling…
Mom asked me this morning to reiterate the factors causing my sister’s illness. My brother still blames my parents up to this day for not raising us properly and thus causing my sister to become ill. I told mom previously that both she and dad suffer from PTSD but I believe that they did the best they could to raise us, given their circumstances.
I finally found the courage this morning to tell mom that I also have PTSD. Mom thought that my medical school boyfriend physically assaulted me only once. She did not know that it was on an ongoing basis, especially when he was drunk. Mom asked me this morning if that one time of his physical violence was what caused me to have PTSD?
I started panicking and almost wanted to end the phone call, but I could sense that mom wanted to make amends to us and make peace with herself. I also remember that during one of the mind-body webinars I was listening to regarding PTSD, the speaker said that the only way to heal your trauma is by moving through the traumatic event, not by running away from it.
I finally told mom that it was on an ongoing basis. I didn’t even mention to her that the boyfriend which I considered to be my soulmate also assaulted me; both physically and sexually. I guess when there is too much passion between two lovers, their conflicts can become very explosive as well. He assaulted me physically twice. The third time when he was starting to assault me, I stopped struggling and I finally found the strength to say to him, “Hit me, and then afterwards, I’ll call the cops”. He looked at me in shock and stopped. He never physically assaulted me again, until the sexual assault when we were on a break… Mom is already so heartbroken and exhausted with my sister’s illness, so I don’t know if she can handle knowing more of what I’ve been through all these years.
I feel so much pain for my mom’s suffering. I don’t think there can be anything more painful than watching your child suffer, and not being able to do anything about it. That’s the main reason as to why I want to go back to Taiwan one day to take care of my sister, besides the fact that I love my sister very much. Mom has said repeatedly throughout the years that she will not be able to die in peace because of my sister’s illness. I feel that if I can stay happy and healthy, and take care of my sister, then when the day finally comes for my mom to depart from this world, she will be able to leave in peace, knowing that I will be there for my sister.
I told mom in a prior conversation that she is my best friend and I hope that she can live to a ripe old age, because when she finally departs from this world, I will have no one left to have these heartfelt conversations with. I will feel so alone…
