Dialectical Behavioral Therapy

Day 9:  Opposite Action:

When you feel like lashing out, or not following through on things that you should be doing, then the DBT skill of “Opposite Action” can help change the course of this experience for the better.

With Opposite Action, you act in a way that is opposite to your emotional urge, e.g. If you feel like lashing out at your partner, then the OppositeAaction would be to show some kindness.

If you’re upset and the other person is also snapping at you, then being kind may seem very counter-intuitive.  You don’t have to go to the extreme and be phony with yourself and the other person.  Just showing a bit of kindness will do.  This helps you both to shift gears and not be stuck in the anger mode.  If the other person is not receptive, just breathe, accept that you’ve tried, and don’t let it ruin your day.

Opposite Action is most often recommended when our emotional impulse seems out of proportion to whatever has triggered the emotion.  Even when our response is very well in proportion to the trigger, practicing Opposite Action helps to prevent making the situation worse and to regulate our emotions.

Source(s):

Stop Sabotaging: A 31 Day DBT Challenge to Change Your Life

by Debbie Corso

Day 8:  Respect Yourself:

Learn to keep your self-respect intact when interacting with others.

Use the acronym FAST:

F = (be) Fair – Use fairness in dealing with both yourself and others.
A = (no) Apologies – You have a right to have your needs met.  There is no need to apologize for speaking your mind respectfully.
S = Stick to Values – If you are aware of any values you have around the situation at hand, respect those.  If someone tries to get you to go against your values, let them know that you will not.
T = (be) Truthful – Stay in the truth.  Avoid falling into the “victim” mentality of someone who needs to be rescued, to lie, or to exaggerate to get your needs met.  You’ll respect yourself more if you avoid these behaviors and just stick to the truth.

(Linehan, 1993)

By honoring our values, we live in integrity and have positive emotions towards ourselves.  We end up caring more about our well-being and the outcome of our lives.

Source(s):

Stop Sabotaging: A 31 Day DBT Challenge to Change Your Life

by Debbie Corso

Day 7:  Be a Dear:

Relationships are an important part of life.  It can be very challenging and emotionally draining for many with emotion regulation issues.

In DBT, there are many skills under the “Interpersonal Effectiveness” module.  When interacting with others, ask yourself which of the following goals you wish to accomplish:

1.  Getting What You Want
2.  Keeping a Good Relationship
3.  Keeping your Self-Respect

Today, exercise on getting what you want.  Many of us feel that we don’t deserve to get what we want.  With the DEAR MAN skills, we learn to assertively, though gently, ask for what we need in a way that is healthy and kind to both ourselves and the other person.

D = Describe – Describe the situation in term of what you are hoping to achieve.
E = Express – Express your thoughts and how you feel about the situation.
A = Assert – Clearly ask for what you want, and firmly but respectfully say no if you are being asked to do something you don’t want to do.
R = Reinforce – Reinforce your point of view by explaining what good or negative results will come from you not getting what you’re asking for.  Also reinforce the positive results by thanking the person in advance.

Keep Focused on the outcome that you want.

M = Mindful – Stay mindful of being respectful to both yourself and the other person.  Also, accept if it seems that the situation isn’t going to go your way this time.  You’ve done all of the right things to assert yourself in a healthy way.
A = Appear Confident – e.g. no over-apologizing.
N = Negotiate – If things did not go as you hoped, see if there is a way to negotiate – give up a little bit of what you sought to achieve if it will cause the other person to meet you part way.

(Linehan, 1993)

Be PROUD of yourself!  Asking for your needs to be met or telling someone that you can’t do something that they want you to do might be very new experiences for you.  Keep practicing, and remember to “Be A Dear” when you do.

How does being assertive in our relationships with others help us to Stop Sabotaging?

People who suffer from emotion regulation issues may have never learned clear boundaries.  We may have had our boundaries violated time and time again.  From this perspective, it is easy to perceive ourselves as being the ‘victim’.

We can now choose to stand tall, take care of ourselves, and decide how we will let other people treat us.  By learning to become assertive, we can avoid passive-aggressive behaviors and bottling up our frustrations.

We feel empowered and can be respectful towards ourselves and to others, and thus stop self-destructive behaviors.

Source(s):

Stop Sabotaging: A 31 Day DBT Challenge to Change Your Life

by Debbie Corso

 

Day 6:  Build Positive Experiences:

Come up with a list of activities that make or might make you happy.  Schedule at least one day in advance, one positive experience for the following day.  e.g. Have tea with your friend, go to a movie, or go for a walk, etc.

The more we fill our day with opportunities to feel good, our emotions will follow suit.

Log in your journal what you will do today and tomorrow to build one or more positive experiences into your day.  Also log how you feel, having engaged in these positive activities.  Continue this throughout the rest of the challenge.

This will boost your level of happiness and optimism.

Source(s):

Stop Sabotaging: A 31 Day DBT Challenge to Change Your Life

by Debbie Corso

Day 5:  Build Mastery:

This skill only requires that you pick something to do that is at least somewhat challenging given where you are in your journey at the moment.  It might mean finally getting the closet cleaned out and organized.

Pick something that feels only slightly out of reach or challenging.  It can be a housework task, an arts and crafts project, or making an important phone call that you’ve been putting off.

Once you’ve completed it, you’ve practiced the skill of building mastery.  Notice how you feel.  Often times, we experience a sense of accomplishment and relief.  When we feel more accomplished, we are more likely to continue behaving effectively rather than sabotaging our efforts.

Source(s):

Stop Sabotaging: A 31 Day DBT Challenge to Change Your Life

by Debbie Corso

Day 4:  Identify Yourself:

Not everyone has a strong sense of identify.  Do your opinions, thoughts, viewpoints, and even values shift depending on whose company you’re in?  The development of your personality may have been stunted due to an invalidating home environment you had as a child and thus preventing you from forming a full personality of your own. They may have been your mind’s way of adapting to your environment and protecting you, but as an adult, the patterns begin to no longer serve you.

Figuring out who you are takes time, love, and self-compassion – especially if you’re getting a late start.

Make a note in your journal each time you notice something that you believe to be a truth (coming from your heart) about who you are.  Keep a log and review it from time to time.  Continue to explore the unique, wonderful being that you are.

How does working on identity issues help us to Stop Sabotaging?

When we don’t know who we are, there is a tendency to change course with every wind that blows.  If we are not grounded in our own values and goals, we can easily become emotionally dys-regulated and unbalanced. Developing a clear picture of who we are, what we stand for (and what we don’t stand for) can help guide us in making decisions that lead us toward our goals rather than destroy our progress by sabotaging.

Source(s):

Stop Sabotaging: A 31 Day DBT Challenge to Change Your Life

by Debbie Corso

Day 3:  One Thing At A Time:

Studies, such as one conducted at Stanford University (Gorlick, 2009) show that multi-taskers are actually less effective than those who focus on one project at a time.

When we do more than one thing at once, we are missing out on those moments in life. We are not paying attention.

Practice One Mindfulness by doing one thing at a time.

We are less likely to be overwhelmed when we are able to give our full attention to one task at a time.  Feeling overwhelmed leads to emotional vulnerability, which can lead to sabotaging.  By slowing ourselves down and being mindful, we reduce our vulnerability to overwhelm.

Source(s):

Stop Sabotaging: A 31 Day DBT Challenge to Change Your Life

by Debbie Corso