Day 7: Be a Dear:
Relationships are an important part of life. It can be very challenging and emotionally draining for many with emotion regulation issues.
In DBT, there are many skills under the “Interpersonal Effectiveness” module. When interacting with others, ask yourself which of the following goals you wish to accomplish:
- Getting What You Want
- Keeping a Good Relationship
- Keeping your Self-Respect
Today, exercise on getting what you want. Many of us feel that we don’t deserve to get what we want. With the DEAR MAN skills, we learn to assertively, though gently, ask for what we need in a way that is healthy and kind to both ourselves and the other person.
D = Describe – Describe the situation in term of what you are hoping to achieve.
E = Express – Express your thoughts and how you feel about the situation.
A = Assert – Clearly ask for what you want, and firmly but respectfully say no if you are being asked to do something you don’t want to do.
R = Reinforce – Reinforce your point of view by explaining what good or negative results will come from you not getting what you’re asking for. Also reinforce the positive results by thanking the person in advance.
Keep Focused on the outcome that you want.
M = Mindful – Stay mindful of being respectful to both yourself and the other person. Also, accept if it seems that the situation isn’t going to go your way this time. You’ve done all of the right things to assert yourself in a healthy way.
A = Appear Confident – e.g. no over-apologizing.
N = Negotiate – If things did not go as you hoped, see if there is a way to negotiate – give up a little bit of what you sought to achieve if it will cause the other person to meet you part way.
(Linehan, 1993)
Be PROUD of yourself! Asking for your needs to be met or telling someone that you can’t do something that they want you to do might be very new experiences for you. Keep practicing, and remember to “Be A Dear” when you do.
How does being assertive in our relationships with others help us to Stop Sabotaging?
People who suffer from emotion regulation issues may have never learned clear boundaries. We may have had our boundaries violated time and time again. From this perspective, it is easy to perceive ourselves as being the ‘victim’.
We can now choose to stand tall, take care of ourselves, and decide how we will let other people treat us. By learning to become assertive, we can avoid passive-aggressive behaviors and bottling up our frustrations.
We feel empowered and can be respectful towards ourselves and to others, and thus stop self-destructive behaviors.
Source(s):
Stop Sabotaging: A 31 Day DBT Challenge to Change Your Life
by Debbie Corso