Day: August 1, 2023

My Dad was always my go-to person. He took care of everything for us (perhaps, a bit too much though), and I valued his opinion a lot. He could also be very calm, composed, and analytical, and come up with great solutions.

I am so confused. My soon-to-be ex-husband has been lying to me so much for the past few years, I don’t even know what is true or untrue anymore.

My feelings oscillate between hating him, to feeling sorry for him, to forgiving him with compassion and kindness, and then back to wanting to scream at him for layers upon layers of lies that he has been telling me, even up till this afternoon.

I found out two weeks ago that he went to about 15 car dealerships within a few days because he had that many credit inquiries during that small amount of time. When I asked him, he said that it was because I told him a few days ago that I’m placing him on a credit freeze so that he can no longer take up loans, and he wanted to see if he was still able to get his credit pulled. However, could that be true? Could he honestly be that crazy just to make sure his credit can still be pulled? I then find evidence that suggests he’s actually wanting to buy a fancy sports car?

I feel like it’s divine intervention that keeps on letting me discover more and more pieces of information regarding what he’s been doing after he moved out on Oct 1st of last year. I’m also finding contradictory pieces of evidence about his financial health. On the one hand, he’s taking up loans and even pawning whatever little valuables he has. On the other hand, he’s submitting invoices of large amounts to his clients. What is going on????

I kept on calling Mom just now but I’m not sure if she’s still sleeping or if she’s praying but I couldn’t get ahold of her, and I feel so confused and lost. I think of my Dad and try to see what suggestions he may come up with? Do I call my ex out? Or do I just get my divorce over and done with, before even thinking of doing anything else?

I was always my Daddy’s little girl and I almost always listened to his advice, mostly because I think that they are very wise. However, after I got married, I started having a lot of confrontations with my dad over the phone. I noticed that his attitude has changed in that he believes that once a woman is married, she’s stuck with the man for life. Therefore, he almost always stood by my ex’s side, especially when it came to his drinking. He kept on trying to convince me that it was not that big of a deal, even after 3 DUIs! And DUIs are only after he got caught. Who knows how often he was drinking and driving before he finally got caught each time?

My father would have never stood by my side if I was the one wanting the divorce. However, my ex asked for it, and he did a whole lot of shady things behind my back. And he’s still dragging the divorce up to this day. I’m starting to understand why now though. I think it’s because he will have to disclose his financial health, which, from what I am slowly discovering, may not be as bad as he had been acting like it is. I’m even starting to wonder if that scammer told him to keep on taking up these loans to lower his financial health so that he will have a better outcome from the divorce? And in the meantime, keep on draining my financial resources to pay for my own expenses, our joint expenses, and even his loan?

I keep on going through alternating phases where at one stage, I still want to help him get out of this mess, but then later on, I find other pieces of evidence suggesting that he is doing it willingly and even with some kind of ill-intention that I am still uncertain of. I believe if my Dad was still alive right now, then he would finally be on my side, and be able to give me some sound advice on what to do.

What do I do Daddy? I want so badly to get that scammer put away in prison for life. Yet, all the legal authorities I’ve spoken to, keep on telling me that there is nothing they or I can do unless my ex files a police report himself. At first, I thought that maybe he’s just infatuated by the scammer so don’t want to rat her out, but now I’m starting to wonder if he’s also an accomplice himself in this web of lies that he keeps on telling me? Do I just let it go and walk away? Should I just let him face his own karma? I keep on feeling that even though we’re not suitable as partners, I’ll always see him as a family member and want to make sure that he’ll be okay. However, he’s doing everything he can to dodge me and lie to me. I am so mentally drained now I feel that I need to just look out for myself first, and if I can, then help him one day.

I think this is what my Dad would say to me, get the divorce over and done with, so I don’t carry the burden of his loans. But, I just wish I could hear you say it to me, Dad. I wish I could hear your voice again. Most days, I’m happy for you, that you’re no longer suffering and will always be happy and healthy now in Pure Land Nirvana. But some days, like today, I just miss you so much. I keep on remembering the wonderful times we had when we lived in Honolulu for 3 years and every weekend, we’d go swimming at the Waikiki beach. You and I would race to see who swam faster to our landmark. Some days, I wonder if I did not do enough, especially in the last few years. You had memory loss and just kept on repeating the same sentences every time we spoke on the phone. Could I have spent more time with you Dad? Could I have spoken longer to you on the phone each time?

I miss you, Daddy. You will forever be with me, in my heart and my soul. When I am in times of need, you are there with me. Please help me survive through this very difficult stage in my life. Please protect me and our family. Please help my ex stop whatever scheming he is doing to hurt himself and me, whether it’s intentionally, or inadvertently. Please help him wake up. Please help me wake up.

I’ll be missing you…

I’ll Be Missing You

~ Puff Daddy

Yeah, this right here (tell me why)
Goes out to everyone that has lost someone
That they truly loved (come on, check it out)

It seems like yesterday we used to rock the show
I laced the track, you locked the flow
So far from hangin’ on the block for dough
Notorious, they got to know that
Life ain’t always what it seem to be
Words can’t express what you mean to me
Even though you’re gone, we still a team
Through your family, I’ll fulfill your dream (that’s right)
In the future, can’t wait to see
If you open up the gates for me
Reminisce some time, the night they took my friend (uh-huh)
Try to black it out, but it plays again
When it’s real, feelings hard to conceal
Can’t imagine all the pain I feel
Give anything to hear half your breath (half your breath)
I know you still livin’ your life after death

Every step I take
Every move I make
Every single day, every time I pray
I’ll be missing you
Thinkin’ of the day
When you went away
What a life to take, what a bond to break
I’ll be missing you (I miss you, B.I.G.)

It’s kinda hard with you not around (yeah)
Know you in Heaven smilin’ down (ha)
Watchin’ us while we pray for you
Every day we pray for you
‘Til the day we meet again
In my heart is where I’ll keep you, friend
Memories give me the strength I need to proceed (uh-huh)
Strength I need to believe
My thoughts, B.I.G., I just can’t define (can’t define)
Wish I could turn back the hands of time
Us in the six, shop for new clothes and kicks
You and me taking flicks
Makin’ hits, stages they receive you on
Still can’t believe you’re gone (can’t believe you’re gone)
Give anything to hear half your breath (half your breath)
I know you still livin’ you’re life after death

Every step I take
Every move I make (I miss you)
Every single day, every time I pray
I’ll be missing you (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Thinkin’ of the day
When you went away
What a life to take, what a bond to break
I’ll be missing you (somebody tell me why)

One glad morning
When this life is over
I know I’ll see your face

Every night I pray, every step I take
Every move I make, every single day
Every night I pray, every step I take (every day that passes is a day that I get closer)
Every move I make, every single day (to seeing you again)
Every night I pray, every step I take (we miss you, B.I.G., and we won’t stop)
Every move I make, every single day (’cause we can’t stop, that’s right)
Every night I pray, every step I take
Every move I make, every single day (we miss you, B.I.G.)

Every step I take
Every move I make (I’ll miss you)
Every single day, every time I pray
I’ll be missing you (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Thinkin’ of the day
When you went away
What a life to take, what a bond to break
I’ll be missing you

Every step I take
Every move I make
Every single day, every time I pray
I’ll be missing you (I’ll be missing you)
Thinkin’ of the day (thinking of the day)
When you went away
What a life to take, what a bond to break
I’ll be missing you

Every step I take (one glad morning)
Every move I make (when this life is over)
Every single day, every time I pray (I know)
I’ll be missing you (I’ll see your face)
Thinkin’ of the day (one glad morning)
When you went away (when this life is over)
What a life to take

Sunday was Day 49 of my Dad’s memorial ceremony. I believe that he is now in Pure Land Nirvana, and will continue to chant Buddhist prayers for him and for myself daily.

Now, I’m back to reality, and I am going to breakaway from all of the trash in my life!

My sister got ill when I was still in high school. I remember one day picking up the phone and hearing her speaking incoherently, being extremely fearful that she may die soon. That day changed our family’s lives forever. From that day onwards, it was all about her illnesses and sufferings. Don’t get me wrong, I love her very much and feel great sorrow for her suffering. However, I also need to recognize and acknowledge the pain and suffering I have been through as well.

I started going to the movies by myself and doing everything by myself since my mother was too busy taking care of her. I remember all of the broken promises from my mother because of my sister’s constant episodes. I realized from that point onwards, that I will just have to be by myself. Both of my best friends; my sister and my mom can no longer be there by my side constantly, as before.

I remember after starting dental school, I wanted to go to the library in the evenings to study so that I can focus better. Mom took my sister out during the day and said that she’ll be back at a certain time to take me to the library. One night, I waited and waited and eventually had it. I decided to walk late at night to the library through an unsafe path by myself and wished that someone will just rape me and kill me so that I can finally end this life of loneliness and misery. Fortunately, I made it back home safely that night.

I have been through so much shit in the past few years, starting from my soon-to-be ex-husband’s addiction and “throwing money away like it’s candy” delirious acts, up to meeting people exhibiting the same self-centered, narcissistic traits as him. It’s just like what I’ve learned in the “Divorce Care” support group meetings; heal the traumas from your past relationships, or end up being with the same person all over again, but just with a different face.

Since my ex has been avoiding all of my emails, calls, and texts, I have been driving by his workplace at various times and finally found him there yesterday evening. I told him that I am done with his shit. I am done with paying for the loan he took up for the scammer whore, paying for our joint expenses, and not getting anything back from him. I asked him why is he not giving me the required information to file for our divorce? He said that he has been too busy working. Ya, right, too busy trying to apply for loan after loan, and for what, I have no freaking idea! I told him that since we are still legally married, I can, and am very close to admitting him to a mental institution. I told him that I am also very close to taking legal action against him and freezing all of his assets. Since I am using our joint account (which he is not putting money into) to pay for the loan he took up for that scammer whore, I told him that I am also considering closing that joint account and defaulting on his loan, so that he will never in his life be able to get approved for a loan again. I told him I regret so much for getting his credit from poor to excellent all these years. If I just let him continue with his shitty credit history, of not even being able to get approved for a credit card, then he would not have been able to take up all these loans for that scammer whore!

I am done with shit in my life. I told him to get our divorce done now!

I am breaking away from all of the trash in my life. Not just with him, but with every single self-centered, narcissistic person in my life.

I am starting my life all over again, on my own. Breakaway!!!

Breakaway

~ Kelly Clarkson

Da, da, da, da, da, da, da
Da, da, da, da, da, da
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da
Da, da, da, da, da, da
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da

Grew up in a small town and when the rain would fall down
I’d just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be and if I’d end up happy
I would pray (I would pray)

Trying hard to reach out but when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here but something felt so wrong here
So, I prayed I could break away

I’ll spread my wings and I’ll learn how to fly
I’ll do what it takes ’til I touch the sky
And I’ll make a wish, take a chance, make a change and breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won’t forget all the ones that I love
I’ll take a risk, take a chance, make a change and breakaway

Da, da, da, da, da, da, da
Da, da, da, da, da, da
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da

Wanna feel the warm breeze, sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train, travel on a jet plane, far away and breakaway (I will)

I’ll spread my wings and I’ll learn how to fly
I’ll do what it takes ’til I touch the sky
And I’ll make a wish, take a chance, make a change and breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won’t forget all the ones that I love
I’ll take a risk, take a chance, make a change and breakaway

Buildings with a hundred floors, swinging around revolving doors
Maybe I don’t know where they’ll take me but
Gotta keep moving on, moving on, fly away, breakaway

I’ll spread my wings and I’ll learn how to fly
Though it’s not easy to tell you goodbye
I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change and breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won’t forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change and breakaway

Breakaway, breakaway