I don’t really have anyone to talk to regarding my issues with my ex-husband, besides my mom and my therapist. Most of the other people I talk to are men who are interested in me, so they’re not interested in hearing anything about the issues I have with my ex-husband. I also don’t feel like telling people in my daily life about my ex-husband either. I’ve learned in the past few months to just journal my thoughts and share them with whomever is out there that happens to land on my blog. That’s probably how I’ll be living for the rest of my life as well, speaking to myself, and journaling my happiness and sorrows on my blog…
After our first date, my ex-husband called me the very next day and told me that he wants me to be his girlfriend. We had a fun day together, which extended to the wee hours of the night as well. He emailed me, texted me, and called me every day. He celebrated our anniversary every month.
He asked me to go with him on his skiing trip to June mountain but I had already booked my flight to go back to Taiwan and visit my family for a month. He called me daily when I was in Taiwan and we had very good conversations.
He had been in a very good mood lately since the company he was working for was doing very well and he was receiving recognition for his success. He called me when he was driving back to Oak Park from his skiing trip in June mountain. He sounded almost grandiose on the phone. He was telling me intimate acts of what he’ll do to me and we were just having a sexy fun time on the phone.
But then, he told me that he has to hang up now because the police car behind him has signaled him to pull over. He said that he’ll call me back afterwards. I waited all night but he never did. He eventually called me back perhaps a day or two later. I can’t remember exactly now especially because of the time differences between California and Taiwan. He said that he got arrested for driving under the influence (DUI). I felt so guilty when I heard that. If only I was there with him, then it wouldn’t have happened, was what I thought to myself… This was the beginning of the demise of our relationship.
Before this incident, he was fun, joyful, and loving toward me. We had wonderful conversations on the phone every night. We were talking on the phone one night after I came back to California and he told me that he feels emotionally drained now and he would like for me to take charge some of the time, as in thinking of places where we can go and things that we can do, etc. We also started discussing what to do now regarding his (second) DUI. His driver’s license will be revoked for a year. He has to pay a huge fine and monthly probation fees. He also has to attend DUI classes in Santa Barbara.
My father has always taken care of us, to the point of being controlling. Regardless, I didn’t have to plan or worry about anything. I’m also the youngest child in the family, so I’m used to being pampered and taken care of. But now, my boyfriend is going through a huge crisis, and he has asked me to help him take care of matters. So, I decided to grow up, and place all the responsibilities on my shoulders, especially since I feel guilty for not going with him on his skiing trip, and thus not being able to prevent him from being arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol.
He texted me one night in 2010 to say that he was leaving work to come home. He always texts me when he leaves work so I’ll know when to expect him, even up to this day. He also started texting me his daily driving routes ever since he started working as an independent contractor so that I can calculate his daily mileage for tax deduction purposes. It usually takes less than an hour for him to arrive home, but he never did. I frantically waited and waited for hours and stayed up all night not knowing where he could be. I called my mom and told her I don’t know what has happened to him, and I don’t know what to do. I told mom that he has been drinking and driving a lot lately and I’m wondering if he got arrested again for driving under the influence.
I decided to try my luck and see if our county jail has booking records online and to call all the hospitals in Ventura County to see if he was in one of them. We were living in Westlake Village at the time, which is at the border of Los Angeles County and Ventura County, so I was worried that he might have been brought to a hospital in LA County instead if he got injured in an accident. I think it was around 1 am or 2 am when I searched the Ventura county jail inmate search and saw that he has just been booked in jail for driving under the influence.
Things were already bad between us and we were thinking of getting a divorce, but now how can I possibly leave him when he is once again in trouble, and this time in huge trouble, because it’s his third DUI? He has to go to jail besides all the other fines and probation and DUI classes, not to mention the drastic increase in our car insurance rates, especially since he is driving a fancy sports car. Then, he started to get ill, and the doctor found that he has a brain tumor (thank goodness we found out years later, at the Mayo Clinic in MN, that it was a developmental anomaly, and not a pituitary microadenoma), so that was the end of our talks about getting divorced. I decided that I will stay with him and help him through this even more difficult time in his life.
That was the only phase in my life where I, “Miss Goody Two Shoes” was inside a jail. I went to visit him whenever they had visiting hours and had to wait a long time before I could go inside. I spoke to him on the phone every day and encouraged him to just relax and take it easy while inside the jail. The charges for placing a reverse call inside a jail are ridiculously high, but I knew that was the only time he had any communication with the outside world, and I treasured being able to speak with him daily as well. I sent him greeting cards, coloring pencils, money, and whatever fun things I could think of to help him past the time in jail. He actually drew many beautiful drawings of me while he was in jail and showed them to me behind the glass window when I went to visit him.
I found out afterwards that he was drinking at his buddy’s place in Santa Barbara that night, and he calculated it so that the timing will be correct to text me when he said that he was leaving work. He also told me earlier that he was going to work until later that night. Addiction is such a horrid monster. This successful, intelligent, hard-working medical device engineer turns into a liar, cheater, and irresponsible person because he is unable to overcome his addiction to alcohol. And it’s not just the physiological component, it’s the psychological component that’s the worse. The games he plays, and the lies he tells, are all because of his addiction to alcohol.
When he’s in an active addictive phase, he turns into a completely different person. I remember there was a phase back in around 2012 when he was once again going through an active addiction phase. We were sleeping in separate rooms at the time due to constant arguments regarding his drinking. We got into a verbal altercation (regarding his drinking) which turned so bad that I actually feared for my life. I locked my bedroom door and put a kitchen knife under the pillow because I was scared that he might break down the door when I’m asleep and kill me. He went through a phase of threats of death, mostly of himself, but sometimes indirectly referring to me as well. I went through a few years of marriage just accepting it one day at a time and wondering if today will be my last day on earth. I can understand though why sometimes he gets so mad at me when it comes to his drinking. I once poured his over $1000 bottle of spirit down the drain because I felt that the damage outweighed the benefits for him to put that into his body.
I try to block these traumatic incidents from my mind, but they still come up to the surface at times.
He texted me at 5.14 pm this afternoon to say that he was heading home. It usually takes him around an hour to get home. He texted me at 5.41 pm to say that there was “Traffic on 694”. I got home at 6.42 pm and he still was not home.
Once again, I was worried if he was drinking and driving and either got pulled over, booked in jail, or is in the hospital, or worse, the morgue. My mind started racing frantically since he wasn’t answering any of my calls or my texts. I can understand that he’s being careful now after being pulled over for talking on the phone while driving, but he only eventually got home after 3.5 hours.
I asked him what happened and he just said that he was on the phone with a client. I asked him why didn’t he call me back or text me back. He just replied, “It doesn’t matter”. And this is not the first time something like this has happened this year, especially now that I’m aware that he’s drinking (and driving) again.
I’ve been in this constantly traumatized, hypervigilant, waiting for the other shoe to drop mode ever since he got arrested for driving under the influence while driving home from June mountain, which was over 14 years ago. He doesn’t even have the consideration and respect to text me back and let me know that he’s okay. I don’t want to go through another DUI with him again. This has taken a complete toll on my mind and my body and I’m still going through this fear and trauma daily.
I told him last night that if he’s going to act like “the boy who cried wolf”, then the next time he doesn’t come home, I won’t be looking for him.
I am done with uncaring, inconsiderate men who expect me to be there for them all the time but do not care for my feelings.
Up All Night
~ Songwriters: Bonnie Mckee / Charlie Puth / Giorgio Hesdey Tuinfort / Thomas Troelsen
Well I get the thrill run down my spine
When I see you hitting me up
Feeling so electrified
With the heat of a million suns
You know just one touch can keep me high
And I think I’ll never come down
‘Til a couple days go by
And you’re nowhere to be found
Up all night
Up all night
All the things that you said to me yesterday
Playing over in my mind
It’s a crime
It’s a crime
How you’re reeling me in with the games you play
Then you hang me out to dry
So I try to shake you out my head
Try to dance with somebody new
But you got those lips so red
And that smoking voice, you do
So I know it’s pointless anyway
‘Cause there ain’t nobody else
That could light me up so bright
And break this crazy spell
Up all night
Up all night
All the things that you said to me yesterday
Playing over in my mind
It’s a crime
It’s a crime
How you’re reeling me in with the games you play
Then you hang me out to dry
If I wait a little longer
Then maybe you’ll come back around
Wait a little longer
Then maybe you’ll be ready now
‘Cause I would wait forever
For you to fall back into my arms
So come on
Up all night
Up all night
All the things that you said to me yesterday
Playing over in my mind
It’s a crime
It’s a crime
How you’re reeling me in with the games you play
Then you hang me out to dry
Up all night
Up all night
All the things that you said to me yesterday
Playing over in my mind
It’s a crime
It’s a crime
How you’re reeling me in with the games you play
Then you hang me out to dry
How you’re reeling me in with the games you play
Then you hang me out to dry