This song was released just a few days before my husband and I got married. The company he was working for was achieving overnight success and we drove to San Diego to attend a medical device conference where they had a booth marketing their patent invention. They just had millions of dollars poured in and they’re looking to attract more investors so that they can eventually market their product to the public.
I still vividly remember hearing this song playing on the radio while we’re driving down to San Diego in his fancy blue sports car. He decided to take a few days off so that we can also celebrate our honeymoon while we’re down there.
When he was at work, I took the San Diego Trolley and visited various scenic spots in San Diego. I took the scenic Pacific Ocean route, I toured downtown San Diego, and I also went to the border between US and Mexico. It was relaxing and I had so much fun!
When he was off work, we went on the San Diego Harbor Cruise and passed by the Coronado Island, the Naval Base, and many other famous landmarks in San Diego. We went to the San Diego County Fair at the Del Mar Fairgrounds and hopped on this really exciting ride where my husband and I sat inside a “ball” and we were thrown up into the air and all over while being videotaped. I was screaming my lungs out so loudly! After we finished the ride and were ready to get off, they told us to get back up again for free! I guess my loud screaming was great advertisement for them and since it wasn’t at a busy time, they wanted me to do more advertisement for them! 😝 We went to fancy restaurants at night and had so much fun. It was a romantic and fun honeymoon. I had such a great time! 😍
Fast-forward to September 2019… My husband’s medical device company suffered various huge blows and the board members finally decided to dissolve the company. We were going through a survival crisis and my husband was also going through an identity and mid-life crisis at the same time.
He screamed at me more than once saying that he knows that I will leave him, and no amount of reassurance on my part can make him stop thinking that. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy. He had already decided in his mind that I will leave him sooner or later, so he started pushing me away in all ways possible ~ both physically and emotionally. This is the power of the human mind; what you believe in strongly, you will act accordingly, you will achieve the desired outcome eventually. Thus, he will not stop pushing me away until I leave him eventually and that is when his anxiety regarding this can eventually stop.
Even though we have a lot of personality differences and personality clashes, but I know that he does love me. There is a saying that, “It’s because of love that we decided to be together, and it’s because now we truly understand each other that we decide to move apart”. We both know that we are unhappy being together. We just don’t connect on the same wavelength even though we love each other. When you truly love someone, set them free and let them be happy. It’s hard to let go, but it’s easier knowing that it’s for the highest good for the both of us.
Just like the lyrics in this song which says that, “Next the walls were closed on me. And I discovered that my castles stand, Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand”…, it is never easy to release someone you love from your life. However, I feel comfort knowing that we will both be more happy.
I asked him a few weeks ago why did he secretly withdraw a huge amount of money from our joint bank account, just a few days before he asked for the divorce, but then put it back into our account immediately? He said that he changed his mind. I guess he still wasn’t 100% sure that he wanted to ask me for a divorce, so he still didn’t want to betray me. However, as fate would have it, a few days later, his car got totaled and I found out that he had been drinking again for a year. That was when he asked for the divorce. I guess at that point, he figured that I will not forgive him again for drinking again and for lying to be about it for so long, so he just decided to bring it up himself. A few days after he asked for divorce, he started to take out huge amounts of money from our joint bank account, and then when I put a stop to it, he applied for the huge loan secretly.
When I found out about the huge loan he took and gave to the other woman, I told him that I feel so hurt and angry for all the wrongs he has done to me. I asked him if he felt any remorse towards what he has done to me especially for the past year? He said to me, “Yes, and that’s why I’m running away from you…”. Sigh…
I am slowly beginning to forgive him for the hurt and pain he has caused me in the past. I am also starting to recognize my role in the dissolution of this marriage. It takes two to tango. I also played a role in the demise of this marriage. I also ask for his forgiveness for the hurt and pain that I have caused him in the past. We did have many good times together. I am grateful for that, and I will treasure those happy memories forever…
I just realized last night that even though we hardly even see each other or speak to each other, but I feel safer just knowing that there’s someone else at home. I need to be strong now, and start getting used to living on my own…
I’ve just realized that there is still so much healing I need to do…
Viva La Vida
~ Coldplay
I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning I sleep alone
Sweep the streets I used to own
I used to roll the dice
Feel the fear in my enemy’s eyes
Listened as the crowd would sing,
“Now the old king is dead! Long live the king!”
One minute I held the key
Next the walls were closed on me
And I discovered that my castles stand
Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand
I hear Jerusalem bells a-ringing
Roman cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can’t explain
Once you’d gone there was never
Never an honest word
And that was when I ruled the world
It was a wicked and wild wind
Blew down the doors to let me in
Shattered windows and the sound of drums
People couldn’t believe what I’d become
Revolutionaries wait
For my head on a silver plate
Just a puppet on a lonely string
Oh who would ever want to be king?
I hear Jerusalem bells a-ringing
Roman cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can’t explain
I know St. Peter won’t call my name
Never an honest word
But that was when I ruled the world
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh [5x]
Hear Jerusalem bells a-ringing
Roman cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can’t explain
I know St. Peter won’t call my name
Never an honest word
But that was when I ruled the world