I have always felt some kind of tiny grudge towards my ex (my soulmate) for the way things ended between us. Even though I tell myself that I don’t hold any grudges towards him, but the way I’ve been acting towards him makes me feel that I do still hold some kind of grudge against him, especially now that I’m free to do whatever I want, because I’m getting divorced.
I’ve been telling him of people that I’m talking with and meeting up with, and fun things that I’m doing with my life, now that I’ve finally been set free. I omit telling him the times when I feel totally alone and isolated, and just want to let him think that I am so happy now with my new found freedom in life.
I told him and showed him photos of the new car that I got since my ex-husband kindly said that he’ll just take my car (since his car got totaled in December 2021), and that I can get another one. I took a selfie on the spur of the moment while I was at a Target dressing room with no makeup and no camera touch ups, but looking absolutely cute and young, almost like a teenager, and texted that to him. I asked him if I looked very young, and he agreed, and said it with sincerity.
Thinking back now, I don’t think that I’m doing it intentionally. At least, not on the conscious level. However, I think that I may be doing it on a subconscious level…
I miss him a lot. I miss all the fun times that we’ve had together. We truly connected so deeply in the mind, body, spirit and intimately. I was his first love, so I know that he will always love me and will never forget me, ever. Even though he wasn’t my first love, but I will also never forget him, ever. I will always love my ex-husband as my family member since we’ve been together for over 14 years now, but the love I have towards my ex, is truly like the union of two souls. It’s so deep, I just can’t explain it in words…
We’ve been talking for at least once a week for the past few months and I could sense some longingness and sadness in him when I tell him about my new life and the new friends that I’m making these days. I also feel this tiny little sense of satisfaction when showing him what he had, and what he could have had for all these years.
Until just now…
I was clearing old emails from an email address that I used when I was in South Africa, it my very first email address in my entire life. I saw a folder that I created back then with his nickname on it, and saw that I saved some email correspondences we had during our breakup period over 17 years ago.
In one email, he was so angry at me and cursed at me for the way that I’ve hurt him in the past. He told me how I was being inconsiderate of his feelings and how he had already apologized for his wrongdoings but I still wasn’t willing to let it go, and kept on picking on that wound over and over again….
Our breakup was from so long ago, I only remembered how hurt and how betrayed I felt, I forgot how hurt and how betrayed he felt as well…
I’m so sorry. I forgive you for all the wrongdoings that you have done to me. I don’t know if I can at this moment, forgive you completely, for sexually and physically assaulting me, but I know that I will eventually. Please forgive me too, for all the wrongdoings that I have done to you. I love you with all my heart, although I’m not sure what kind of love it is anymore. I have always seen you as my family member as well. I am happy that you are still married (as to how happily married you are, I’m not so sure?), and I wish you all the best in life!
I’m sorry, please forgive me. Thank you for loving me, and for continuing to keep me in your thoughts, and in your life…
Last Time I Say Sorry
~ Kane Brown, John Legend
I won’t say I’m sorry over and over
Can’t just say I’m sorry, I’ve gotta show you
I won’t do it again, I’ll prove my love is true
I hope the last time I said sorry
Is the last time I’ll say sorry to you
The first time I slept on the couch, was our first New Year’s Eve
I heard words come out my mouth, that I still can’t believe
Broken hearts and shattered champagne
We both don’t wanna feel that again
The second I apologized you said, “Boy, I don’t know”
I said it ’cause I meant it, but you still wouldn’t let it go
So I swallow my pride, see it from your side
I promise I’ll do the best I can do
I won’t say I’m sorry over and over
Can’t just say I’m sorry, I’ve gotta show you
I won’t do it again, I’ll prove my love is true
I hope the last time I said sorry
Is the last time I’ll say sorry to you
No, oh, oh-oh (Oh)
No, oh, oh-oh
To you
No, oh, oh-oh
No, oh, oh-oh
The last time I said sorry
Is the last time I’ll say sorry
If I could build a perfect world I’d only make you smile
I’d hang the stars, the sun and moon outside this room but I’ll
I’ll never be perfect, though I’m gonna try
Oh, I’m gonna do better I swear that I
I won’t say I’m sorry over and over
Can’t just say I’m sorry, I’ve gotta show you
I won’t do it again, I’ll prove my love is true
I hope the last time I said sorry
Is the last time I’ll say sorry to you
No, oh, oh-oh (Oh)
No, oh, oh-oh
To you
No, oh, oh-oh
No, oh, oh-oh
The last time I said sorry
Is the last time I’ll say sorry to you
No, oh, oh-oh (Oh)
No, oh, oh-oh
To you
No, oh, oh-oh (Oh)
No, oh, oh-oh
I hope the last time I said sorry
Is the last time I’ll say sorry, to you