“Our lives are like a candle in the wind” – Carl Sandburg
I had a heartfelt talk with my mom this morning. It has only been a few days since we last spoke, yet, she sounded depressed and was beating herself up over how she raised us 3 kids. This is mainly because of my sister’s recalcitrant illness…
Mom said that she read an article a few days ago saying that if the parents aren’t happy, then they pass the sadness down to their children. My mom also had a traumatic upbringing, and she apologized to me for not laughing enough with us when we were growing up.
Lately, we had been discussing all the factors that may have lead to my sister’s illness, starting from when she was in my mother’s womb. I expressed to her as to what I thought may have been the contributing factors leading to my sister’s illness, and she agreed with me wholeheartedly.
We had a picture-perfect family that even my dad’s colleagues were envious of. This was all shattered when my sister became ill around 32 years ago. My brother blamed my parents for my sister’s illness and he started rebelling towards them. I was still in high school when my sister got ill, and I started feeling sick all over my body. I still remember vividly typing up 6 pages of all the physical symptoms that I was experiencing and I handed that to the doctor. The doctor glanced at it for less than a minute, and then told my mom that I need to get counseling. No prescription medication, nothing, just counseling…
Mom asked me this morning to reiterate the factors causing my sister’s illness. My brother still blames my parents up to this day for not raising us properly and thus causing my sister to become ill. I told mom previously that both she and dad suffer from PTSD but I believe that they did the best they could to raise us, given their circumstances.
I finally found the courage this morning to tell mom that I also have PTSD. Mom thought that my medical school boyfriend physically assaulted me only once. She did not know that it was on an ongoing basis, especially when he was drunk. Mom asked me this morning if that one time of his physical violence was what caused me to have PTSD?
I started panicking and almost wanted to end the phone call, but I could sense that mom wanted to make amends to us and make peace with herself. I also remember that during one of the mind-body webinars I was listening to regarding PTSD, the speaker said that the only way to heal your trauma is by moving through the traumatic event, not by running away from it.
I finally told mom that it was on an ongoing basis. I didn’t even mention to her that the boyfriend which I considered to be my soulmate also assaulted me; both physically and sexually. I guess when there is too much passion between two lovers, their conflicts can become very explosive as well. He assaulted me physically twice. The third time when he was starting to assault me, I stopped struggling and I finally found the strength to say to him, “Hit me, and then afterwards, I’ll call the cops”. He looked at me in shock and stopped. He never physically assaulted me again, until the sexual assault when we were on a break… Mom is already so heartbroken and exhausted with my sister’s illness, so I don’t know if she can handle knowing more of what I’ve been through all these years.
I feel so much pain for my mom’s suffering. I don’t think there can be anything more painful than watching your child suffer, and not being able to do anything about it. That’s the main reason as to why I want to go back to Taiwan one day to take care of my sister, besides the fact that I love my sister very much. Mom has said repeatedly throughout the years that she will not be able to die in peace because of my sister’s illness. I feel that if I can stay happy and healthy, and take care of my sister, then when the day finally comes for my mom to depart from this world, she will be able to leave in peace, knowing that I will be there for my sister.
I told mom in a prior conversation that she is my best friend and I hope that she can live to a ripe old age, because when she finally departs from this world, I will have no one left to have these heartfelt conversations with. I will feel so alone…